Not a long post, but I just want to write about something that quite annoyed me today. But, me being me, and me being ashamed of the way I am didn't challenge what someone else had to say.
I was in the hairdressers earlier and I was talking about the neighbour that I had a lot of problems with and who, the police had been out to numerous times etc etc etc. I had said how I had had paramedics at my door late at night thinking that they could gain access to his from mine. She said a long the lines of that they had regularly had them coming in to the hair dressers and also the police as they thought they could gain access from there also. So, then she started going on about how it was because he would call up saying he had tried to kill himself by taking ODs etc etc etc. How he was a crazy person who just wasn't right in the head and she felt that if he was going to kill himself, why didn't he just go off somewhere and do it properly, not bring everyone else in to it and he was being selfish, he was attention seeking and that that was his problem and there was nothing wrong with him other than he was just attention seeking.
It did make me a little angry. Obviously, I have had a lot of issues with this guy and wanted him out the flat below me as of the problems he had caused me. Mental health problems or not, when he starts trashing his place at 2am in the morning and threatens to kill my other neighbours, threatens me, causes criminal damage to near by property, it's not someone you really want to be sharing a building with is it? Not when you are prone to anxiety yourself and when sleep is a big indicator of when things can start to spiral for you. But, the way she was talking about him made me angry. I don't have any time for this guy, but at the same time, I don't want to see him having the wrong opinion formed about him because he has mental health issues. This guy, obviously has alcohol problems. But why? Why does he drink so much? Is it to forget, to numb? What has gone on in his life which lead him to drink too much? We don't know do we?
There are always going to be these people that make these assumptions about others. People who make assumptions that because someone self harms, makes an attempt at their life that they are just doing it for attention. People are so ill informed about mental health and that bothers me. But, what also bothers me is that I won't use my own experiences publicly to challenge this.
I am not really sure how much of that makes sense. I don't know if I have got across what I have meant to get across there. I have had a bit to drink tonight, I'm not drunk, but, I have had a drink, so I may possibly come back to this.
I also need to write about my session with G on Thursday.
Showing posts with label self harm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self harm. Show all posts
Saturday, 21 December 2013
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
Emotional Deprivation.
That's what came out of the psychology session last Friday.
He basically came out with that as a child, he didn't think my emotional needs were met, which is one of the main reasons why I have the problems that I do now. I was quite shocked and he really hit a nerve with me. As he was saying it, he stopped and asked if I was ok? Then he said he could see I wasn't and that he wasn't sure whether or not to carry on with where he was going as he was aware I was doing well at the moment and didn't want to bring me down. I said to him, while it was hard hearing it and I was struggling with it, I would rather do the hard stuff now and get it out the way now when I can better deal with it. I am more likely to come home, process it and not do anything with it than when I am low. If I am low I get a "what's the point" attitude and cause harm to myself. But, it was a really hard session and I was feeling a bit shit after.
So I saw R Friday night and he kept me awake all night with his snoring and his moving around in his sleep was causing me to do things in my half sleep. So, by the time Saturday morning rolls around I am very irritated and don't want him any where near me at all. All night he has been snoring and wanting to have his arms round me. I was really irritated by him and didn't want him anywhere near me. So I faked ill. I really played the dying girl act, I wanted him to go home and give me some time to myself. We were supposed to be spending the day together but everything just pissed me off.
I've got a few concerns about the whole relationship with him. A few worries. There's a few early signs that are bothering me. So much so I am going to contact the police and talk to them about this Clare's Law. I don't know if it's because my Mum planted the seed and I have told my friend this and then every thing I look for there is something. But surly, it's better to be safe than sorry?
I am worried about him as well. I don't want to hurt him. I have said to my friend I am going to give it a few weeks and see where things lie then. I am aware that he hasn't got anyone else so I don't want to end it with him before Xmas, and it's his birthday in January, so if I still have all my doubts I will end it then. But there is a niggling doubt at the back of my mind that some things aren't right and I am not getting the whole truth.
I'm just going to see how things pan out with it. I am worried that it's me who is being more accepting of it and blind to it because he seems to accept me for who I am. He knows about the scars and what caused them. And because of that there is some underlying fear that I won't get anyone else and because he is accepting, to hold on to it. I don't think it's a conscious thought, but part of me is worried it's an unconscious thing. But also another unconscious thing could be that I am trying to pick fault with everything and am picking it a part. It scares me because I don't know my own mind. I don't understand myself and what's going on. I used to be so self assured, but I am not anymore. I don't know myself anymore. And that is scary!
He basically came out with that as a child, he didn't think my emotional needs were met, which is one of the main reasons why I have the problems that I do now. I was quite shocked and he really hit a nerve with me. As he was saying it, he stopped and asked if I was ok? Then he said he could see I wasn't and that he wasn't sure whether or not to carry on with where he was going as he was aware I was doing well at the moment and didn't want to bring me down. I said to him, while it was hard hearing it and I was struggling with it, I would rather do the hard stuff now and get it out the way now when I can better deal with it. I am more likely to come home, process it and not do anything with it than when I am low. If I am low I get a "what's the point" attitude and cause harm to myself. But, it was a really hard session and I was feeling a bit shit after.
So I saw R Friday night and he kept me awake all night with his snoring and his moving around in his sleep was causing me to do things in my half sleep. So, by the time Saturday morning rolls around I am very irritated and don't want him any where near me at all. All night he has been snoring and wanting to have his arms round me. I was really irritated by him and didn't want him anywhere near me. So I faked ill. I really played the dying girl act, I wanted him to go home and give me some time to myself. We were supposed to be spending the day together but everything just pissed me off.
I've got a few concerns about the whole relationship with him. A few worries. There's a few early signs that are bothering me. So much so I am going to contact the police and talk to them about this Clare's Law. I don't know if it's because my Mum planted the seed and I have told my friend this and then every thing I look for there is something. But surly, it's better to be safe than sorry?
I am worried about him as well. I don't want to hurt him. I have said to my friend I am going to give it a few weeks and see where things lie then. I am aware that he hasn't got anyone else so I don't want to end it with him before Xmas, and it's his birthday in January, so if I still have all my doubts I will end it then. But there is a niggling doubt at the back of my mind that some things aren't right and I am not getting the whole truth.
I'm just going to see how things pan out with it. I am worried that it's me who is being more accepting of it and blind to it because he seems to accept me for who I am. He knows about the scars and what caused them. And because of that there is some underlying fear that I won't get anyone else and because he is accepting, to hold on to it. I don't think it's a conscious thought, but part of me is worried it's an unconscious thing. But also another unconscious thing could be that I am trying to pick fault with everything and am picking it a part. It scares me because I don't know my own mind. I don't understand myself and what's going on. I used to be so self assured, but I am not anymore. I don't know myself anymore. And that is scary!
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
It Is Getting Worse.
So first off what I wanted to say about my recent stay on medical wards.
You know I wrote that post in which I talked about my dream of being in hospital when I stabbed myself. I said it wasn't my hospital but it was the staff. Well turns out it was my hospital. It was the intensive care ward. The ward in which I was on over the weekend. I have never been on that ward, never visited anyone and had no idea what it was like. Until I was there and it was the same as my dream. It goes to show my dreams do show me things. Dreams have shown me things in the past but I have never had it where I have written about it and then, bam! I have been there. Kind of weird really. Does it mean my dreams can predict the future in some weird way?
Anyway, today.
So, summoned to the hospital to see Dr T and Beth. Dr T as usual was running late. So Beth sat with me in the waiting room. She was asking me loads of questions. She basically said that last week the only thing that would have stopped me from doing what I did would have been to use the MHA then. I just said nothing would stop me. She kept going over and over things. Talking about stuff that had happened that I didn't know about. A call to the police saying there was a dead body from someones mobile phone. I don't get why they didn't call an ambulance? Why the police? If you come across what you think is a dead body, unless quite obviously dead, such as being decapitated, or just some limbs, you would call an ambulance. Even if you felt for a pulse and couldn't find one, you would still call an ambulance. I find all that weird. So much so I wonder if that was actually the way in which things panned out. I mean, this team have been known to get things wrong before.
So in with Dr T. I can't make eye contact. I can't speak. All I can say is I don't want to see anyone and I won't work with anyone. Again, they asked me to go in to hospital on a voluntary basis. I said no. As I said before, I fear hospital more than I fear death.
Dr T then told me I was feeling angry at them. No, not particularly. I just want to be left alone. I feel that their input makes me worse. I said I wanted to go alone. They said they couldn't do that as they were worried and my actions had caused a lot of concern. And, my behaviour now was causing concern.
I was asked how I felt, I said I wished it had worked, what I didn't say was because I don't want to deal with what is going off now. Everyone knows. I never wanted that. I don't want anyone knowing. They asked if I was still having thoughts and I said I was but I didn't have any plans. And here they go again with getting it wrong. They said I had attempted in the past when I didn't have plans. Well, actually no! Every attempt has been planned. I didn't have the energy to attempt to argue with them. I don't have the energy to argue with them.
Dr T asked me if I thought I was unwell. I said no. I don't feel that I am. These feelings aren't any different to what I have been feeling for a long time. So I don't think I am unwell. I don't know what they think though. I couldn't look at them in the eye and I couldn't speak really. Just the occasional one word answer and the odd nod, shake and shrug. I tried to get out of my head and from what was going on. I noticed Beth's nice shoes and her purple toes, Dr T's very unfashionable black lace up shoes with a diamond kind of print socks. The carpet was blue with a small pattern in which I thought looked like a leopard print pattern, very discreet though. It smelt of paint. It smelt of a new building. Which it was. After all it's only been open less than a year.
I declined their input. Dr T said he would see me weekly, only yesterday I was told he is discharging me. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone.
Dr T asked Beth what she thought. She said I needed a Mental Health Act Assessment. She said they had a duty of care, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah!!!!! Dr T agreed and they asked me if I would wait in reception. I said I just wanted to go home. They asked me if I would agree to the assessment and I just kind of shrugged. I don't have a choice. I don't want them turning up at my door with the police and get me on a S135. It was quite late and I think Dr T wanted to see his last clients and go home. And, he wanted to get my GP involved. So they said an assessment would be arranged for tomorrow and they would come to my house. I don't know if it will be Dr T. I don't know who it will be. They are going to try and get my GP to come also, as I think he is supposed to be the doctor that knows me. I was asked to guarantee that I would keep myself safe tonight. Again, I said I didn't have plans so it was fine.
They did the whole going in to the past thing again. Wanting to know what has gone on in my life and any significant events. I said there were none. I am not sure if those things that happened are significant enough to cause this. Why does it have to be an event that causes it. Why can't it just be the way things are. I still feel it's all very Freudian. A Psychiatrist I don't have respect for as quite frankly, he was talking rubbish. I mean, how can you take someone seriously who comes up with things like the Oedipus and Alexis Complex. Really?
I was asked if I was ok to drive. They wanted to call my Mum and I said she was out. She was, she was at meetings. I said I only lived 5 minutes away and I would be fine. I got in my car. Composed myself. Then instead of turning right to go home I turned left. I wasn't really sure where I was heading. I was going to drive around my childhood haunts. Go and walk up to my wishing tree. This is a tree that when I was a kid, my friend and I used to go to and we used to believe it had magic powers to grant wishes. It was quite a cool tree and easy to climb. I went back there a few years ago. But, I had no energy. I couldn't be bothered to walk through the rain, through the park/forest what ever it's called to go find my tree. Instead, I drove to the cemetery.
When I have been really bad and at a low point I speak out loud to my Nan. Hoping that somehow, if I am doing such a wrong thing she will somehow let me know. I decided I was going to visit her and my Grandad's grave. I haven't been in about 2 years. No one tends to go. As a family we were never one for visiting people's graves, after all only the body is there and their soul has (supposedly, if you believe religion) gone to heaven. So if you wanted to talk to them you should pray. I went to the cemetery. There were no cars in the car park. Being as though it was an area in which some of the rioting at happened (it hit my city the other night with police stations being firebombed and shops in the city centre being looted), not majorly, but I didn't want some yob seeing my car all alone and think they could just nick it or set fire to it. The latter being more likely as not the type of car you steal as it's a rust bucket and takes about an hour to get from 0-60mph. I saw another car drive in to the cemetery so it's what I did.
I drove up to the grave. I got a blanket out and as I sat down, I looked around to ensure I wasn't in earshot of anyone and talked to my Nan and a little to my Grandad. He died when I was one so I never really knew him. But my Nan, well, she was second Mum. I was there about 45minutes. I apologised and asked that if there was some form of afterlife, could she some how let me know. Then I asked if it was because what I had done was against the religion she tried to bring me up as (Catholic...dragged to church every Sunday until she died when I was 15 and I have not been back since), and was that the reason why she wasn't making herself known to me?
I don't know what I believe when it comes to the whole death thing. I would like to think re-incarnation. As after all, forever after as a dead person, is a bloody long time. And I am not sure if I like that. I mean what if you marry, they die and you re marry, and they die. If there is such thing as heaven...who are you with? Think about it? It's not exactly the best thought out plans is it?
So after that I go home. I really don't want to go home. I said to my friend earlier, if I had the money I would do a runner for a while. Hop on a plane and get out of here. Disappear for a while. But, all I have is a shit load of debt and only £60 in cash. Won't get me far or last for long will it?
I think I am going to be sectioned. I won't work with them, and I don't know if they will just let me go on my merry way. I fear hospital more than I fear death. I have already started thinking about how I can do it while I am in hospital, if they make me go in. I have hidden needles in my belongings. So, hopefully, if I am searched they won't find all of them and I have some outlet still.
My career is fucked basically also.
I came home and spoke to my Mum telling her what was going to happen tomorrow. She made jokes like asking me if she should make them all a cuppa and try and butter them up. Me, I think make them a cuppa and put chloroform in it so I can do a runner. Didn't say this out loud though.
We then got talking about my Dad. She said that this whole situation had made her realise she was always being defensive about me and my brothers and she didn't like feeling like that. I agreed. He is hard work. So I came out with it and asked if they were going to break up. She said it was looking like that. She doesn't want to lead the rest of her life feeling defensive around my Dad. I just said I had seen it coming for a long time now and was surprised she lasted this long. I do worry about my Dad though. As much as I can't stand to be around him at times and I would hate for him to be here now. I don't think he could cope on his own.
I asked if she had thought about practicalities and she said she had. I asked what would happen to the house we live in now. She said she couldn't afford to run it on her own as it's a big house and the bills are large etc. So we talked about if it remained amicable would my Dad support her still in living in the house. It's a possibility. Also, there are2 very similar houses for sale on my road already. They are only on the market for about £400,000 and so is not a good time to sell as they are worth more than that. So, maybe we could stay here and my Dad would move to one of his houses that he owns. If they do split I hope it remains amicable between them.
So that's been my day. I think tomorrow I am going to end up in hospital. I am scared.
I have one friend telling me to lie, and the other telling me she thinks it may be for the best. I have only told 2 friends. I don't want anyone else knowing.
So, if I don't blog for a while. It's cos I have been put in a straight jacket and rushed off to be drugged up and kept quiet!
You know I wrote that post in which I talked about my dream of being in hospital when I stabbed myself. I said it wasn't my hospital but it was the staff. Well turns out it was my hospital. It was the intensive care ward. The ward in which I was on over the weekend. I have never been on that ward, never visited anyone and had no idea what it was like. Until I was there and it was the same as my dream. It goes to show my dreams do show me things. Dreams have shown me things in the past but I have never had it where I have written about it and then, bam! I have been there. Kind of weird really. Does it mean my dreams can predict the future in some weird way?
Anyway, today.
So, summoned to the hospital to see Dr T and Beth. Dr T as usual was running late. So Beth sat with me in the waiting room. She was asking me loads of questions. She basically said that last week the only thing that would have stopped me from doing what I did would have been to use the MHA then. I just said nothing would stop me. She kept going over and over things. Talking about stuff that had happened that I didn't know about. A call to the police saying there was a dead body from someones mobile phone. I don't get why they didn't call an ambulance? Why the police? If you come across what you think is a dead body, unless quite obviously dead, such as being decapitated, or just some limbs, you would call an ambulance. Even if you felt for a pulse and couldn't find one, you would still call an ambulance. I find all that weird. So much so I wonder if that was actually the way in which things panned out. I mean, this team have been known to get things wrong before.
So in with Dr T. I can't make eye contact. I can't speak. All I can say is I don't want to see anyone and I won't work with anyone. Again, they asked me to go in to hospital on a voluntary basis. I said no. As I said before, I fear hospital more than I fear death.
Dr T then told me I was feeling angry at them. No, not particularly. I just want to be left alone. I feel that their input makes me worse. I said I wanted to go alone. They said they couldn't do that as they were worried and my actions had caused a lot of concern. And, my behaviour now was causing concern.
I was asked how I felt, I said I wished it had worked, what I didn't say was because I don't want to deal with what is going off now. Everyone knows. I never wanted that. I don't want anyone knowing. They asked if I was still having thoughts and I said I was but I didn't have any plans. And here they go again with getting it wrong. They said I had attempted in the past when I didn't have plans. Well, actually no! Every attempt has been planned. I didn't have the energy to attempt to argue with them. I don't have the energy to argue with them.
Dr T asked me if I thought I was unwell. I said no. I don't feel that I am. These feelings aren't any different to what I have been feeling for a long time. So I don't think I am unwell. I don't know what they think though. I couldn't look at them in the eye and I couldn't speak really. Just the occasional one word answer and the odd nod, shake and shrug. I tried to get out of my head and from what was going on. I noticed Beth's nice shoes and her purple toes, Dr T's very unfashionable black lace up shoes with a diamond kind of print socks. The carpet was blue with a small pattern in which I thought looked like a leopard print pattern, very discreet though. It smelt of paint. It smelt of a new building. Which it was. After all it's only been open less than a year.
I declined their input. Dr T said he would see me weekly, only yesterday I was told he is discharging me. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone.
Dr T asked Beth what she thought. She said I needed a Mental Health Act Assessment. She said they had a duty of care, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah!!!!! Dr T agreed and they asked me if I would wait in reception. I said I just wanted to go home. They asked me if I would agree to the assessment and I just kind of shrugged. I don't have a choice. I don't want them turning up at my door with the police and get me on a S135. It was quite late and I think Dr T wanted to see his last clients and go home. And, he wanted to get my GP involved. So they said an assessment would be arranged for tomorrow and they would come to my house. I don't know if it will be Dr T. I don't know who it will be. They are going to try and get my GP to come also, as I think he is supposed to be the doctor that knows me. I was asked to guarantee that I would keep myself safe tonight. Again, I said I didn't have plans so it was fine.
They did the whole going in to the past thing again. Wanting to know what has gone on in my life and any significant events. I said there were none. I am not sure if those things that happened are significant enough to cause this. Why does it have to be an event that causes it. Why can't it just be the way things are. I still feel it's all very Freudian. A Psychiatrist I don't have respect for as quite frankly, he was talking rubbish. I mean, how can you take someone seriously who comes up with things like the Oedipus and Alexis Complex. Really?
I was asked if I was ok to drive. They wanted to call my Mum and I said she was out. She was, she was at meetings. I said I only lived 5 minutes away and I would be fine. I got in my car. Composed myself. Then instead of turning right to go home I turned left. I wasn't really sure where I was heading. I was going to drive around my childhood haunts. Go and walk up to my wishing tree. This is a tree that when I was a kid, my friend and I used to go to and we used to believe it had magic powers to grant wishes. It was quite a cool tree and easy to climb. I went back there a few years ago. But, I had no energy. I couldn't be bothered to walk through the rain, through the park/forest what ever it's called to go find my tree. Instead, I drove to the cemetery.
When I have been really bad and at a low point I speak out loud to my Nan. Hoping that somehow, if I am doing such a wrong thing she will somehow let me know. I decided I was going to visit her and my Grandad's grave. I haven't been in about 2 years. No one tends to go. As a family we were never one for visiting people's graves, after all only the body is there and their soul has (supposedly, if you believe religion) gone to heaven. So if you wanted to talk to them you should pray. I went to the cemetery. There were no cars in the car park. Being as though it was an area in which some of the rioting at happened (it hit my city the other night with police stations being firebombed and shops in the city centre being looted), not majorly, but I didn't want some yob seeing my car all alone and think they could just nick it or set fire to it. The latter being more likely as not the type of car you steal as it's a rust bucket and takes about an hour to get from 0-60mph. I saw another car drive in to the cemetery so it's what I did.
I drove up to the grave. I got a blanket out and as I sat down, I looked around to ensure I wasn't in earshot of anyone and talked to my Nan and a little to my Grandad. He died when I was one so I never really knew him. But my Nan, well, she was second Mum. I was there about 45minutes. I apologised and asked that if there was some form of afterlife, could she some how let me know. Then I asked if it was because what I had done was against the religion she tried to bring me up as (Catholic...dragged to church every Sunday until she died when I was 15 and I have not been back since), and was that the reason why she wasn't making herself known to me?
I don't know what I believe when it comes to the whole death thing. I would like to think re-incarnation. As after all, forever after as a dead person, is a bloody long time. And I am not sure if I like that. I mean what if you marry, they die and you re marry, and they die. If there is such thing as heaven...who are you with? Think about it? It's not exactly the best thought out plans is it?
So after that I go home. I really don't want to go home. I said to my friend earlier, if I had the money I would do a runner for a while. Hop on a plane and get out of here. Disappear for a while. But, all I have is a shit load of debt and only £60 in cash. Won't get me far or last for long will it?
I think I am going to be sectioned. I won't work with them, and I don't know if they will just let me go on my merry way. I fear hospital more than I fear death. I have already started thinking about how I can do it while I am in hospital, if they make me go in. I have hidden needles in my belongings. So, hopefully, if I am searched they won't find all of them and I have some outlet still.
My career is fucked basically also.
I came home and spoke to my Mum telling her what was going to happen tomorrow. She made jokes like asking me if she should make them all a cuppa and try and butter them up. Me, I think make them a cuppa and put chloroform in it so I can do a runner. Didn't say this out loud though.
We then got talking about my Dad. She said that this whole situation had made her realise she was always being defensive about me and my brothers and she didn't like feeling like that. I agreed. He is hard work. So I came out with it and asked if they were going to break up. She said it was looking like that. She doesn't want to lead the rest of her life feeling defensive around my Dad. I just said I had seen it coming for a long time now and was surprised she lasted this long. I do worry about my Dad though. As much as I can't stand to be around him at times and I would hate for him to be here now. I don't think he could cope on his own.
I asked if she had thought about practicalities and she said she had. I asked what would happen to the house we live in now. She said she couldn't afford to run it on her own as it's a big house and the bills are large etc. So we talked about if it remained amicable would my Dad support her still in living in the house. It's a possibility. Also, there are2 very similar houses for sale on my road already. They are only on the market for about £400,000 and so is not a good time to sell as they are worth more than that. So, maybe we could stay here and my Dad would move to one of his houses that he owns. If they do split I hope it remains amicable between them.
So that's been my day. I think tomorrow I am going to end up in hospital. I am scared.
I have one friend telling me to lie, and the other telling me she thinks it may be for the best. I have only told 2 friends. I don't want anyone else knowing.
So, if I don't blog for a while. It's cos I have been put in a straight jacket and rushed off to be drugged up and kept quiet!
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
Waste Of Time
So I called back again like I was told to. Firstly I was transferred to the switch board of the main hospital and had to be asked to be transferred. Spoke to someone called Helen. She was on the night team. The team I spoke to before, had finished.
Basically, I was told it was my decision. It was my choice what I did. And... to take a bath, go for a walk, make a phone call and not use the Internet to research if I took ... what would it do. I know if I took enough of the prescription meds that I have in the house it would work. I know that as I have been stock piling them knowing that they will cause me to go in to a hypo if I take enough. Anyway.
I was told I needed to distract myself. Queue crying as I have been trying that and it's not practical advice. So, I am in more of a mess than I was before.
I told her why I called tonight was because I had plans for another night and tonight wasn't right for me. She didn't really say much. Just that she would fax the CPN, Beth, and let her know I had called.
But, I can say I tried Crisis team. It didn't work and I won't be using them again. I can't see the point. I'm going to try taking triple dose of Quetiapine and hope it knocks me out for the night. If I take the triple dose it's only just over the maximum daily dose. So no big deal. But hopefully it will knock me out.
Even letting isn't helping tonight. It can sometimes make me feel calmer and relaxed but it was just frustrating me as couldn't get a decent vein and when I did it clotted really quickly. Going to get some aspirin tomorrow.
But, I can say I called and that I didn't find it useful. I kinda knew what they would say before I called as they were all the type of things that I would say to patients who came to me and told me they were suicidal. So, I shouldn't have expected much really.
I think the only thing that will work for me tonight is actually something to knock me out. I need a diazepam or a zopiclone but I don't have any. And it's not as though they can just bring one round for me either is it. And there is no way I am going down to the hospital, even if it is only a 10 minute walk away. But it wasn't even suggested anyway.
So it's going to be me self medicating. I just hope that works. I am going to take them now and hopefully in an hour I will be snoring away!
x
Basically, I was told it was my decision. It was my choice what I did. And... to take a bath, go for a walk, make a phone call and not use the Internet to research if I took ... what would it do. I know if I took enough of the prescription meds that I have in the house it would work. I know that as I have been stock piling them knowing that they will cause me to go in to a hypo if I take enough. Anyway.
I was told I needed to distract myself. Queue crying as I have been trying that and it's not practical advice. So, I am in more of a mess than I was before.
I told her why I called tonight was because I had plans for another night and tonight wasn't right for me. She didn't really say much. Just that she would fax the CPN, Beth, and let her know I had called.
But, I can say I tried Crisis team. It didn't work and I won't be using them again. I can't see the point. I'm going to try taking triple dose of Quetiapine and hope it knocks me out for the night. If I take the triple dose it's only just over the maximum daily dose. So no big deal. But hopefully it will knock me out.
Even letting isn't helping tonight. It can sometimes make me feel calmer and relaxed but it was just frustrating me as couldn't get a decent vein and when I did it clotted really quickly. Going to get some aspirin tomorrow.
But, I can say I called and that I didn't find it useful. I kinda knew what they would say before I called as they were all the type of things that I would say to patients who came to me and told me they were suicidal. So, I shouldn't have expected much really.
I think the only thing that will work for me tonight is actually something to knock me out. I need a diazepam or a zopiclone but I don't have any. And it's not as though they can just bring one round for me either is it. And there is no way I am going down to the hospital, even if it is only a 10 minute walk away. But it wasn't even suggested anyway.
So it's going to be me self medicating. I just hope that works. I am going to take them now and hopefully in an hour I will be snoring away!
x
Saturday, 23 July 2011
Letter From DPM to Dr T and GP
Here is a letter I have received from the person I saw from Psychological Medicine.
Dear Dr T,
I assessed GP on the ward at the hospital on the 20/07/11. She had been admitted at aprox 1am on the 19/07/11 following a planned suicide attempt. She told me she did not know how she had got to the hospital but the ED notes indicate she was found in a bus shelter by an ambulance crew after a phone call had been received by them. When she was found her GCS was 3 and remained at a lower consciousness level for approximately 10-11 hours after the event. GP told me she had the intent to die and once she had made the decision to attempt she felt calm and wanted it to work.
Mental Health History
GP told me she was under the care of the CAT team and the counselling service. She told me she is currently being treated with Quetiapine 400mg. She sees Sam at the counselling service for therapy sessions and was last seen on the 8/07/11 (the day of the attempt) by Dr T. She told me she self harmed about 5 times per month (it's actually a week, she got that bit wrong) by blood letting with a needle. However, she said that for the past 4 months she had been feeling "suicidal" and that her moods can drop for long periods of time. She told me she had attempted on Monday as she had the opportunity to do it whilst her parents were away. I believe GP has attempted a number of times in the past and she told me earlier this year she was placed on a S136 after telling people she was suicidal.
Mental State
At the assessment GP appeared coherent, rational and was able to express her self well. She appeared reactive in mood and told me she had not been feeling depressed recently. She told me she is a Masters student and plans to be a mental health social worker and was up to date with her work. She told me she continues to have periods of what she describes as dysthymia, when her mood can drop for long periods of time and she will have more active suicidal thoughts. She described feeling that during periods of time when her family are with her she is more able to control and manages these thoughts, also she can distract herself by keeping busy with uni work. GP denied feeling depressed at the present time. GP told me the self harm thoughts can come on very quickly and create a sense of agitation and distress, she told me that once she had made the decision to act on the thoughts, she feels more calm and that once the decision has been made she cannot then control it. She told me she could "not guarantee" that she would not attempt again. She told me she had no active plan or intent to self harm again over the next few weeks as she planned to spend time with her brother and his family and had plans to go to France next week. She also had plans to finish her coursework and see her boyfriend (I don't know how many times I have said he is not my boyfriend but a guy I am seeing).
GP agreed that her risk of self harm remained high and she is aware of the risk of death due to her current self harm behaviour. We discussed the need for her to identify the triggers to her more serious self harm behaviour at an earlier stage and to use the resources available to her to try and prevent her acting on thoughts.
GP did not want to be admitted to hospital and was very keen to be discharged home as she had plans for the evening. She told me she does not want to use the Crisis team number as she finds it difficult to discuss her feelings over the phone. She plans to continue with therapy and is willing to see you at another out patient appointment.
As discussed with you the following plan was agreed with GP
1) GP has been given the number of the mental health crisis team and I have encouraged her to use this if she starts to have thoughts of serious self harm.
2) I advised her in the absence of doing she could also self present at the ED and ask to speak to our team.
3) I advised her to keep the next outpatient appointment with you.
4) Advised her to keep next counselling appointment and she agreed I could phone her worker to discuss the situation.
So that's it. I got the feeling she got a bit mixed up with some of the things I said but on the whole it's not too bad. I don't know where people get that I am agitated from. I don't think I have ever said that. Dr T thinks that also. I wish in a way they would just tape record the appointment and provide a transcript. That way things that I have never said wouldn't be put there.
Oh well.
Dear Dr T,
I assessed GP on the ward at the hospital on the 20/07/11. She had been admitted at aprox 1am on the 19/07/11 following a planned suicide attempt. She told me she did not know how she had got to the hospital but the ED notes indicate she was found in a bus shelter by an ambulance crew after a phone call had been received by them. When she was found her GCS was 3 and remained at a lower consciousness level for approximately 10-11 hours after the event. GP told me she had the intent to die and once she had made the decision to attempt she felt calm and wanted it to work.
Mental Health History
GP told me she was under the care of the CAT team and the counselling service. She told me she is currently being treated with Quetiapine 400mg. She sees Sam at the counselling service for therapy sessions and was last seen on the 8/07/11 (the day of the attempt) by Dr T. She told me she self harmed about 5 times per month (it's actually a week, she got that bit wrong) by blood letting with a needle. However, she said that for the past 4 months she had been feeling "suicidal" and that her moods can drop for long periods of time. She told me she had attempted on Monday as she had the opportunity to do it whilst her parents were away. I believe GP has attempted a number of times in the past and she told me earlier this year she was placed on a S136 after telling people she was suicidal.
Mental State
At the assessment GP appeared coherent, rational and was able to express her self well. She appeared reactive in mood and told me she had not been feeling depressed recently. She told me she is a Masters student and plans to be a mental health social worker and was up to date with her work. She told me she continues to have periods of what she describes as dysthymia, when her mood can drop for long periods of time and she will have more active suicidal thoughts. She described feeling that during periods of time when her family are with her she is more able to control and manages these thoughts, also she can distract herself by keeping busy with uni work. GP denied feeling depressed at the present time. GP told me the self harm thoughts can come on very quickly and create a sense of agitation and distress, she told me that once she had made the decision to act on the thoughts, she feels more calm and that once the decision has been made she cannot then control it. She told me she could "not guarantee" that she would not attempt again. She told me she had no active plan or intent to self harm again over the next few weeks as she planned to spend time with her brother and his family and had plans to go to France next week. She also had plans to finish her coursework and see her boyfriend (I don't know how many times I have said he is not my boyfriend but a guy I am seeing).
GP agreed that her risk of self harm remained high and she is aware of the risk of death due to her current self harm behaviour. We discussed the need for her to identify the triggers to her more serious self harm behaviour at an earlier stage and to use the resources available to her to try and prevent her acting on thoughts.
GP did not want to be admitted to hospital and was very keen to be discharged home as she had plans for the evening. She told me she does not want to use the Crisis team number as she finds it difficult to discuss her feelings over the phone. She plans to continue with therapy and is willing to see you at another out patient appointment.
As discussed with you the following plan was agreed with GP
1) GP has been given the number of the mental health crisis team and I have encouraged her to use this if she starts to have thoughts of serious self harm.
2) I advised her in the absence of doing she could also self present at the ED and ask to speak to our team.
3) I advised her to keep the next outpatient appointment with you.
4) Advised her to keep next counselling appointment and she agreed I could phone her worker to discuss the situation.
So that's it. I got the feeling she got a bit mixed up with some of the things I said but on the whole it's not too bad. I don't know where people get that I am agitated from. I don't think I have ever said that. Dr T thinks that also. I wish in a way they would just tape record the appointment and provide a transcript. That way things that I have never said wouldn't be put there.
Oh well.
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Blog Carnival - Stigma and Discrimination.
This is quite an important topic to me. So important I am writing my dissertation for my Masters in Social Work on it. In particular the stigma of personality disorders.
With people I know, i.e friends and family I don't make well known the problems I have experienced or experience. Being a Social Work student perhaps I should be more able to let other people be aware of the issues that I face. But I don't. The reason being is I fear discrimination. The friends (if you can call them that, I have written posts before on the problems I have had with friends) that do know about some of the problems have seemed to have distanced themselves from me. The night I fell over and broke my ankle saw me being open-ish with them about what has been going on. Since then, I have not heard from them and not seen them. That's two and a half months ago. I have been left out of group things and no one has really been in contact. I wonder if they think it's catching, or, if they just don't want the hassle of having a friend who is slightly different to them.
I say that in being a student in Social Work I should probably be more open. You know, fighting for acceptance etc of mental health. But in reality, I know there is massive stigma and discrimination of people with MH problems. There are all these campaigns out there such as Time to Change which promote the acceptance of people with MH problems and encourage people to speak out about it. I am a big believer in this. I believe that people should be able to openly discuss that they have problems. I mean, if someone had a physical illness such as diabetes they wouldn't be chastised for talking about that. So why with MH? Yet, even though I am a believer in this, I can't find it in myself to be open with people I know or meet about it.
I want to be a MH Social Worker. I eventually want to do my AMHP's training. Surly as someone who wants to do this I should feel that I could be more open about the issues I have faced? But no, it's because I fear discrimination and stigma.
It's not just the wider society a person experiences stigma and discrimination. It's from the inside also. Especially if you are fortunate enough to have been given the "diagnosis" of a personality disorder. I wont go on about my thoughts of the concept and diagnosis of PD as I have many times before. There are studies out there that have shown that the patient with the diagnosis of PD is the least preferred patient. So what does this mean?
Off the top of my head and sorry if I am wrong, but 1 in 3 people will experience a mental health problem at some point in their life. 30% of people with MH problems have been diagnosed as having a PD. I don't know if this means that nearly 10 in 100 therefore are able to be diagnosed with a PD? Maybe I am getting it round my neck. But either way, the prevalence of PD is quite high. So, why is this the diagnosis that experiences most stigma and discrimination? You would have thought that a person who works in mental health would be used to dealing with people who are diagnosed with this (considering the prevalence), so why the stigma? It's something I am going to look into more when I start writing the dissertation.
I have also seen the stigma and discrimination first hand. Some of the things that qualified members of staff have come out with... such as "that's typical, she's PD" in regards to someone being upset over an event. "Be careful with them, they're a PD patient, they'll switch and use anything you tell them against you". "Typical PD" about someone who self harmed. I have seen people who have been diagnosed as having a PD being treated as second class citizens. This was in a unit specifically for PD. You would expect the staff to be a little more understanding and less harming to patients really. This particular unit I worked at has been in the news a couple of times recently as of bad management though, first a patient succeeded in killing her self as her obs weren't done correctly and then because of a riot breaking out! It was a horrendous place and I was so glad when I found another job to go to. Again, I have written more about this unit previously.
I have noticed the stigma when being in hospital. For instance, when I have had to go to the ED as of self harming or suicide attempts I have found that the staff have been very brisk with me. There is one member of staff who hates me. Well there's probably more but she makes it quite well known. She says things like "you are being a silly girl". "I thought you were going to sort your self out". "There's people who need our help out there"... and a few other nasty comments which have just not been needed. There has been a doctor when I asked how long it was likely to be (in a nice pleasant way) snap at me and say "bloody typical of you self harmers, you come here after self harming, expect to be patched up and rushed through". Never in the ED has someone asked why? They see self harm as an attention seeking thing.
When I have been at the hospital as my own accident proneness (usually 2x a year that is in no way related to self harm), I have been treated with respect, they have been nice to me and caring and showed an interest in my life.
It's not just with self harm that they are bad. I went in with a service user a few months ago. Basically I was concerned that the stress she was under because of the housing issues would trigger an episode for her as they had in the past. So I went out my way to take her to the emergency doctor, miles away from her house and then to the ED as the emergency doctor wouldn't do anything. Anyway, I took her to the ED as I wanted to get her seen by someone as I was concerned. They were awful to her. Shoved her in a cubicle and didn't come check on her or anything. 6 hours we waited and not once did they come to volunteer how long it was likely to be. The only information I got was when I kept asking and asking and then eventually saying I felt we were being fobbed off as no one was telling me anything.
Everyone holds prejudices. If you think you don't then you are not human. It's how you handle them that count. I have also written posts on the prejudices that I hold. But, most people learn to not let them affect what they do. I leave my own personal feelings and values at the door when making decisions. I think in some cases they are ingrained in to you from a young age.
When I was growing up I lived near a Psychiatric Hospital. We used to scare each other with stories of what the "psychos" would do and we would worry about them escaping. This is from being about 4 or 5 and talking about it with your friends. I have found myself correcting people now though about it. My brother being one of them calling it a mad house. And then he was getting it all wrong about the difference between the drug and alcohol ward and the normal wards (normal psychiatric wards). I was trying to explain that not all the people and the D+A ward were mentally unwell etc etc etc. And he was trying to tell me how it had moved from a place where it wasn't to the place he was now. Anyway, I had a lot of correcting to do. But it's amazing how people will describe psychiatric hospitals and wards with such throw away words like "mad house, crazies, loony bin" and a few others. Why can people get away with this, you don't hear people talking about physical illnesses like that. Why is it worse to be seen talking about someone with a physical illness in a derogatory way and not a person with mental health problems?
I've not quite written this blog how I wanted to so maybe I will come back to it and change it at a later point, but for now it will do...
xxx
With people I know, i.e friends and family I don't make well known the problems I have experienced or experience. Being a Social Work student perhaps I should be more able to let other people be aware of the issues that I face. But I don't. The reason being is I fear discrimination. The friends (if you can call them that, I have written posts before on the problems I have had with friends) that do know about some of the problems have seemed to have distanced themselves from me. The night I fell over and broke my ankle saw me being open-ish with them about what has been going on. Since then, I have not heard from them and not seen them. That's two and a half months ago. I have been left out of group things and no one has really been in contact. I wonder if they think it's catching, or, if they just don't want the hassle of having a friend who is slightly different to them.
I say that in being a student in Social Work I should probably be more open. You know, fighting for acceptance etc of mental health. But in reality, I know there is massive stigma and discrimination of people with MH problems. There are all these campaigns out there such as Time to Change which promote the acceptance of people with MH problems and encourage people to speak out about it. I am a big believer in this. I believe that people should be able to openly discuss that they have problems. I mean, if someone had a physical illness such as diabetes they wouldn't be chastised for talking about that. So why with MH? Yet, even though I am a believer in this, I can't find it in myself to be open with people I know or meet about it.
I want to be a MH Social Worker. I eventually want to do my AMHP's training. Surly as someone who wants to do this I should feel that I could be more open about the issues I have faced? But no, it's because I fear discrimination and stigma.
It's not just the wider society a person experiences stigma and discrimination. It's from the inside also. Especially if you are fortunate enough to have been given the "diagnosis" of a personality disorder. I wont go on about my thoughts of the concept and diagnosis of PD as I have many times before. There are studies out there that have shown that the patient with the diagnosis of PD is the least preferred patient. So what does this mean?
Off the top of my head and sorry if I am wrong, but 1 in 3 people will experience a mental health problem at some point in their life. 30% of people with MH problems have been diagnosed as having a PD. I don't know if this means that nearly 10 in 100 therefore are able to be diagnosed with a PD? Maybe I am getting it round my neck. But either way, the prevalence of PD is quite high. So, why is this the diagnosis that experiences most stigma and discrimination? You would have thought that a person who works in mental health would be used to dealing with people who are diagnosed with this (considering the prevalence), so why the stigma? It's something I am going to look into more when I start writing the dissertation.
I have also seen the stigma and discrimination first hand. Some of the things that qualified members of staff have come out with... such as "that's typical, she's PD" in regards to someone being upset over an event. "Be careful with them, they're a PD patient, they'll switch and use anything you tell them against you". "Typical PD" about someone who self harmed. I have seen people who have been diagnosed as having a PD being treated as second class citizens. This was in a unit specifically for PD. You would expect the staff to be a little more understanding and less harming to patients really. This particular unit I worked at has been in the news a couple of times recently as of bad management though, first a patient succeeded in killing her self as her obs weren't done correctly and then because of a riot breaking out! It was a horrendous place and I was so glad when I found another job to go to. Again, I have written more about this unit previously.
I have noticed the stigma when being in hospital. For instance, when I have had to go to the ED as of self harming or suicide attempts I have found that the staff have been very brisk with me. There is one member of staff who hates me. Well there's probably more but she makes it quite well known. She says things like "you are being a silly girl". "I thought you were going to sort your self out". "There's people who need our help out there"... and a few other nasty comments which have just not been needed. There has been a doctor when I asked how long it was likely to be (in a nice pleasant way) snap at me and say "bloody typical of you self harmers, you come here after self harming, expect to be patched up and rushed through". Never in the ED has someone asked why? They see self harm as an attention seeking thing.
When I have been at the hospital as my own accident proneness (usually 2x a year that is in no way related to self harm), I have been treated with respect, they have been nice to me and caring and showed an interest in my life.
It's not just with self harm that they are bad. I went in with a service user a few months ago. Basically I was concerned that the stress she was under because of the housing issues would trigger an episode for her as they had in the past. So I went out my way to take her to the emergency doctor, miles away from her house and then to the ED as the emergency doctor wouldn't do anything. Anyway, I took her to the ED as I wanted to get her seen by someone as I was concerned. They were awful to her. Shoved her in a cubicle and didn't come check on her or anything. 6 hours we waited and not once did they come to volunteer how long it was likely to be. The only information I got was when I kept asking and asking and then eventually saying I felt we were being fobbed off as no one was telling me anything.
Everyone holds prejudices. If you think you don't then you are not human. It's how you handle them that count. I have also written posts on the prejudices that I hold. But, most people learn to not let them affect what they do. I leave my own personal feelings and values at the door when making decisions. I think in some cases they are ingrained in to you from a young age.
When I was growing up I lived near a Psychiatric Hospital. We used to scare each other with stories of what the "psychos" would do and we would worry about them escaping. This is from being about 4 or 5 and talking about it with your friends. I have found myself correcting people now though about it. My brother being one of them calling it a mad house. And then he was getting it all wrong about the difference between the drug and alcohol ward and the normal wards (normal psychiatric wards). I was trying to explain that not all the people and the D+A ward were mentally unwell etc etc etc. And he was trying to tell me how it had moved from a place where it wasn't to the place he was now. Anyway, I had a lot of correcting to do. But it's amazing how people will describe psychiatric hospitals and wards with such throw away words like "mad house, crazies, loony bin" and a few others. Why can people get away with this, you don't hear people talking about physical illnesses like that. Why is it worse to be seen talking about someone with a physical illness in a derogatory way and not a person with mental health problems?
I've not quite written this blog how I wanted to so maybe I will come back to it and change it at a later point, but for now it will do...
xxx
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Update
Shit news first...
I put a pound on. So I am now 16'11 (total loss 3lb)
I think it's because the two weeks previous I had not been careful and my birthday weekend and alcohol consumption just caught up with me. So even though I was really careful last week I put a lb on. I would hate to imagine what it would be if I hadn't have been careful. So this week I am going to try even harder. I am going to a gig tomorrow. The White Lies are playing and so I am going to see them. Beyond excited. But I will be dancing and singing a long so hopefully that will help me shed some weight.
I am not doing too well really at this Fat Club. I really need to step up a gear. I finish placement next week so hopefully I can be a bit more active. After all I have a park for a back garden. I should make sure I use it.
Anyway, on to other news.
Had first appointment with Sam in about 4 weeks. I didn't tell her about the cutting. But we did discuss Vince. And she embarrassed me when she asked why I would be bothered about the scars as why would he see them. Knowing fully well. And thus making a prude me embarrassed. Yes. I can write about very personal things. But sex...well it makes me embarrassed. I know kind of pathetic. She was then teasing me about when my parents go away and what that will mean. I think I may have gone a little red. Anyway, she seemed to probe quite a bit about Vince. In a nice way, kind of, this is going to sound stupid but a friend getting the gossip.
She can read me so well. And she is so honest about what she thinks. It's kind of worrying. I suppose she needed to be. If I felt someone was keeping something from me I wouldn't say anything to them. But she will come right out with it. For instance, she has asked me numerous times to write just before I cut/let so I can write about my feelings so perhaps we can see if there is any pattern. She asks me quite often, well at every appointment if I have thought any more on doing it.
This week she asked me again. When I said no, as I didn't really think about my feelings that much I just don't do it. She came out with, " I get the feeling it's somewhere you don't want to let me in". I was dead honest with her and said she had hit the nail on the head. I then went on to explain how I don't talk about my thoughts. I believe some thoughts should remain private to yourself and not share them. I said I don't want to open for people to see.
I suppose but I didn't say it at the time is that I don't want to be so vulnerable. I don't even write my thoughts on here, as, I am a firm believer some thoughts should just be that and not voiced. I also said part of me felt like this because of having worked in mental health services I have seen bad practice where things are mentioned to other people where it doesn't need to be mentioned or people may have a bit of a giggle at what the person has said. Or, they would underestimate the importance of what someone has said. I don't want to be that person that someone discounts, has a giggle at etc etc. And, some of my thoughts are kind of stupid and I don't want to share those. I want to keep part of me private. I don't want people knowing everything about me and how I think, what I think about. My thoughts should be private and I don't want people knowing about them.
I suppose here though you could say what is the point in therapy. And if I am honest I would have to agree with you on this. I suppose I have been quite open with Sam but there is something holding me back and if I am honest I don't think I will be able to overcome. So, what does that mean for me? Does it mean I am wasting my time?
Also, another bit of being honest here...I don't know what I think before I self harm. I am not aware of my thoughts. So I suppose that is why I should write before self harming. It's not like I crave it, or I feel I need to do it for a purpose. The thought comes in to my head and I do it. It's like having a chocolate bar. You want one you have one. You want one, you know you shouldn't, but you do it anyway. OK, weird analogy there but, does that make sense to anyone?
I don't know where I am going to go from here. I am still thinking of suicide even though at the moment things are as stable as they have been in well over a year. But, I know like always at some point I will go down and go bad again. I can't cope with that. You may think I am being a pessimistic fool, I admit I am a pessimist, but it does seem to come in cycles where I will be ok-ish for a while but then take a dip where I will be down, low, depressed what ever you wanna call it for a few weeks at a time. Stable for a couple of weeks, hit a high and who knows how long that will last. The thing that brought me out the last one was being dosed up on morphine and dihydrcodeine. It knocked me out. That was after about 2-3 weeks of being on a high. I can't cope with these stages, these cycles.
Does still contemplating suicide and having a kind of plan put together for in about 4 weeks mean that I am depressed and not acknowledging it? Or according to Dr T, chronic feelings of emptiness what ever that is supposed to mean. I get the feeling as I manage somehow to function when I am low, depressed what ever it is, it is not taken as seriously and they are saying it's not depression. I think in their eyes they want me to be in bed for a week in a dark room and all the other stereotypical depressive symptoms before they will say..."yes, you have depression". But because some how I can drag myself in to placement or uni, that means I am not depressed as it doesn't fit in with what a depressed person should be! And therefore, because I can half function and I self harm it is a personality disorder.
Anyway, rant over. I am sure you don't want to read more about my thoughts and feelings on this whole diagnosis palaver!!!!
Off to bed now to watch Waterloo Road on catch up.
xxx
I put a pound on. So I am now 16'11 (total loss 3lb)
I think it's because the two weeks previous I had not been careful and my birthday weekend and alcohol consumption just caught up with me. So even though I was really careful last week I put a lb on. I would hate to imagine what it would be if I hadn't have been careful. So this week I am going to try even harder. I am going to a gig tomorrow. The White Lies are playing and so I am going to see them. Beyond excited. But I will be dancing and singing a long so hopefully that will help me shed some weight.
I am not doing too well really at this Fat Club. I really need to step up a gear. I finish placement next week so hopefully I can be a bit more active. After all I have a park for a back garden. I should make sure I use it.
Anyway, on to other news.
Had first appointment with Sam in about 4 weeks. I didn't tell her about the cutting. But we did discuss Vince. And she embarrassed me when she asked why I would be bothered about the scars as why would he see them. Knowing fully well. And thus making a prude me embarrassed. Yes. I can write about very personal things. But sex...well it makes me embarrassed. I know kind of pathetic. She was then teasing me about when my parents go away and what that will mean. I think I may have gone a little red. Anyway, she seemed to probe quite a bit about Vince. In a nice way, kind of, this is going to sound stupid but a friend getting the gossip.
She can read me so well. And she is so honest about what she thinks. It's kind of worrying. I suppose she needed to be. If I felt someone was keeping something from me I wouldn't say anything to them. But she will come right out with it. For instance, she has asked me numerous times to write just before I cut/let so I can write about my feelings so perhaps we can see if there is any pattern. She asks me quite often, well at every appointment if I have thought any more on doing it.
This week she asked me again. When I said no, as I didn't really think about my feelings that much I just don't do it. She came out with, " I get the feeling it's somewhere you don't want to let me in". I was dead honest with her and said she had hit the nail on the head. I then went on to explain how I don't talk about my thoughts. I believe some thoughts should remain private to yourself and not share them. I said I don't want to open for people to see.
I suppose but I didn't say it at the time is that I don't want to be so vulnerable. I don't even write my thoughts on here, as, I am a firm believer some thoughts should just be that and not voiced. I also said part of me felt like this because of having worked in mental health services I have seen bad practice where things are mentioned to other people where it doesn't need to be mentioned or people may have a bit of a giggle at what the person has said. Or, they would underestimate the importance of what someone has said. I don't want to be that person that someone discounts, has a giggle at etc etc. And, some of my thoughts are kind of stupid and I don't want to share those. I want to keep part of me private. I don't want people knowing everything about me and how I think, what I think about. My thoughts should be private and I don't want people knowing about them.
I suppose here though you could say what is the point in therapy. And if I am honest I would have to agree with you on this. I suppose I have been quite open with Sam but there is something holding me back and if I am honest I don't think I will be able to overcome. So, what does that mean for me? Does it mean I am wasting my time?
Also, another bit of being honest here...I don't know what I think before I self harm. I am not aware of my thoughts. So I suppose that is why I should write before self harming. It's not like I crave it, or I feel I need to do it for a purpose. The thought comes in to my head and I do it. It's like having a chocolate bar. You want one you have one. You want one, you know you shouldn't, but you do it anyway. OK, weird analogy there but, does that make sense to anyone?
I don't know where I am going to go from here. I am still thinking of suicide even though at the moment things are as stable as they have been in well over a year. But, I know like always at some point I will go down and go bad again. I can't cope with that. You may think I am being a pessimistic fool, I admit I am a pessimist, but it does seem to come in cycles where I will be ok-ish for a while but then take a dip where I will be down, low, depressed what ever you wanna call it for a few weeks at a time. Stable for a couple of weeks, hit a high and who knows how long that will last. The thing that brought me out the last one was being dosed up on morphine and dihydrcodeine. It knocked me out. That was after about 2-3 weeks of being on a high. I can't cope with these stages, these cycles.
Does still contemplating suicide and having a kind of plan put together for in about 4 weeks mean that I am depressed and not acknowledging it? Or according to Dr T, chronic feelings of emptiness what ever that is supposed to mean. I get the feeling as I manage somehow to function when I am low, depressed what ever it is, it is not taken as seriously and they are saying it's not depression. I think in their eyes they want me to be in bed for a week in a dark room and all the other stereotypical depressive symptoms before they will say..."yes, you have depression". But because some how I can drag myself in to placement or uni, that means I am not depressed as it doesn't fit in with what a depressed person should be! And therefore, because I can half function and I self harm it is a personality disorder.
Anyway, rant over. I am sure you don't want to read more about my thoughts and feelings on this whole diagnosis palaver!!!!
Off to bed now to watch Waterloo Road on catch up.
xxx
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Dumped
My CPN dumped me today. She said there was little point trying to come up with a crisis plan when I know I wont do anything about it as I make my mind up well in advance. She said there was little point doing anything as we only had a short time together and it was pretty obvious I wont open up to anyone I don't know. She also said another reason why I had been referred to them was because of diagnosis. I won't accept the diagnosis of PD and so attempts at working towards accepting it are futile. She said I should continue to work with Sam as that is where I have a more trusting relationship.
To be honest, I am not bothered about not having to see her anymore. She is right, it's pointless. I said I thought it was more of a mood disorder. The impression I have is because I self harm it's a PD. I wonder what the diagnosis would be if I didn't self harm. The mood changes would still be there. It seems as though they are ignoring all of this and concentrating on the self harm. They whole approach that they have taken with me just puts it in concrete even more how easy it is to label someone with PD, and that if a person self harms then it is a PD.
I don't want to see anyone anymore. I don't have to see Sam for another couple of weeks as I am on placement and I couldn't get a later appointment. I said to CPN that I didn't say a lot of what I was feeling or thinking as I was scared of the consequences. Like this whole thing with uni came out because I was honest with my feelings. I said I didn't like to say too much as I want to keep things private and to myself. Then CPN went on to say she worries more about the people that do that as at least if people are open and honest they can set up some kind of care plan. But when people don't say things they worry as they know there is stuff that is not being said and that there is nothing that can be done about it. Personally, I am going to take my chances. I don't hold much faith in psychiatric services and I will never be the type of person that can voice exactly what is going on in my head.
But, at the moment, I kind of feel a bit better when I haven't seen anyone. Is this normal? I have not seen Sam in a couple of weeks now and my world has not collapsed around me, I have not gone off the rails. OK, so I cut. I know people will probably think I did that because I have not seen Sam. It's nothing to do with that. The people I have seen are always trying to make me try and get out how I was feeling and what had gone off. They think there is some pattern, but there isn't. I cut because I felt like cutting. There was no emotions flying around, nothing had changed.
They don't seem to believe me when I say there is no pattern to my moods. I said I can feel pretty normal and stable when normal people would feel suicidal. Never mind a person who has tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions. If they want patterns etc it's not going to happen. Sometimes when everything in my life is all hunky dory I will feel suicidal. The feeling is just there. Nothing attributes to it. Sometimes when everything is going shit I can just get on with it. Take a really sensible approach to the whole thing and manage step by step and not feel low, not feel suicidal. Just feel pretty normal. That's about the lows. I don't have any thing to explain the highs. But apparently, there must be a pattern and all I need to do is carry on working with Sam and we will figure it out. Well, I am sorry, but there is nothing, NOTHING to bloody pissing figure out!
I'm gonna go to see Sam a couple more times. If I still feel they are trying to ram shit down my throat I am going to stop going. I think I would be better dealing with it on my own. Same with Dr T the psychiatrist. Give him a couple more tries and if things continue the way they are I am not going to bother and I am going to try going it on my own. I think it may be for the best!
Night all.
xxx
To be honest, I am not bothered about not having to see her anymore. She is right, it's pointless. I said I thought it was more of a mood disorder. The impression I have is because I self harm it's a PD. I wonder what the diagnosis would be if I didn't self harm. The mood changes would still be there. It seems as though they are ignoring all of this and concentrating on the self harm. They whole approach that they have taken with me just puts it in concrete even more how easy it is to label someone with PD, and that if a person self harms then it is a PD.
I don't want to see anyone anymore. I don't have to see Sam for another couple of weeks as I am on placement and I couldn't get a later appointment. I said to CPN that I didn't say a lot of what I was feeling or thinking as I was scared of the consequences. Like this whole thing with uni came out because I was honest with my feelings. I said I didn't like to say too much as I want to keep things private and to myself. Then CPN went on to say she worries more about the people that do that as at least if people are open and honest they can set up some kind of care plan. But when people don't say things they worry as they know there is stuff that is not being said and that there is nothing that can be done about it. Personally, I am going to take my chances. I don't hold much faith in psychiatric services and I will never be the type of person that can voice exactly what is going on in my head.
But, at the moment, I kind of feel a bit better when I haven't seen anyone. Is this normal? I have not seen Sam in a couple of weeks now and my world has not collapsed around me, I have not gone off the rails. OK, so I cut. I know people will probably think I did that because I have not seen Sam. It's nothing to do with that. The people I have seen are always trying to make me try and get out how I was feeling and what had gone off. They think there is some pattern, but there isn't. I cut because I felt like cutting. There was no emotions flying around, nothing had changed.
They don't seem to believe me when I say there is no pattern to my moods. I said I can feel pretty normal and stable when normal people would feel suicidal. Never mind a person who has tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions. If they want patterns etc it's not going to happen. Sometimes when everything in my life is all hunky dory I will feel suicidal. The feeling is just there. Nothing attributes to it. Sometimes when everything is going shit I can just get on with it. Take a really sensible approach to the whole thing and manage step by step and not feel low, not feel suicidal. Just feel pretty normal. That's about the lows. I don't have any thing to explain the highs. But apparently, there must be a pattern and all I need to do is carry on working with Sam and we will figure it out. Well, I am sorry, but there is nothing, NOTHING to bloody pissing figure out!
I'm gonna go to see Sam a couple more times. If I still feel they are trying to ram shit down my throat I am going to stop going. I think I would be better dealing with it on my own. Same with Dr T the psychiatrist. Give him a couple more tries and if things continue the way they are I am not going to bother and I am going to try going it on my own. I think it may be for the best!
Night all.
xxx
Saturday, 18 June 2011
New Placement and Birthdays
I start my new placement on Monday and I am dreading it. It's with kids. Young kids. Yuk. I can deal with teenagers, you can begin to rationalise with them. But kids under 5. Not my cup of tea. It doesn't help that I am miles away. And, my car is due MOT in the next couple of weeks and there is no way my shed will make it through. Not when it's a P reg rust bucket. So I don't know what I am going to do.
I'm really not feeling good about this placement. I know very little of policies etc when it comes to kids. Not that I know loads when it comes to adults but I feel as though my experience lies with adults and there is not that many policies really. I have a good grasp of the Children Act. But that is it. I have a better grasp of NHS Community Care and Mental Health Acts which have been put to use in my previous placements. But I am really not feeling confident or good about it in anyway. I am also being sent to one of the most scumy areas there is in the county. As I have said before I don't like chavs, and I have a feeling this is going to be all about the chavs. I know, I really shouldn't be saying this considering I am training to be a social worker.
However, this is not as bad as someone in one of our lectures, someone who states she wants to be a mental health social worker, someone who wants to be a social worker that...group care is for the best as what will happen if all group care ended as there is no way she would want to live next door to someone with mental health problems. People actually walked out the lecture. I don't blame them. Statistically 1 in 3 of us in that room will suffer with a mental health problem at some point in their life. I also know, that there is not just me but someone else who has said to me he has had problems. Someone else has also said they took an OD when they were 17. So that's 3 of us already! And there is probably more I don't know about.
So, yeah there were a few people pissed off when this all happened. This person has also said before that she thought that disabled people shouldn't be allowed to have children. Disgusting really. So me saying I don't like chavs is hardly that bad in comparison. And anyway, I am a good worker. I do leave all my values at the door and don't let my personal opinions impact on my practice or judgement. I would bang on about how that is all anti oppressive etc, but this is not an essay for uni.
It's my birthday next week. I don't really feel like celebrating. I don't want to get any older. It's all quite depressing really. I think one of the reasons I don't feel like celebrating is because no one else does. It would be nice if my friends decided that they would like to celebrate it and did something for me but that wont happen. If I am lucky I'll get a brief Facebook message and that's it. Birthdays get crapper the older you get. Last year I spent the day in a bar in Vang Vieng (Laos) watching FRIENDS, feeling sorry for myself as I was mega hungover and didn't wake up until 2pm. I had been out the night before and as the clock turned 12 was getting free drinks in the bars. I walk home in a thunder storm, crawl across the bridge as I was scared as it was rickety (a nice Lao person helped me) and then fell over a bit more, cut my lip open, met my neighbour and slept with him. We were up until 8.30am and I woke up feeling worse for wear and ashamed with myself as I didn't actually like him that much. I did drink through the hangover though. At first I decided I was going to go back to my guest house, have a shower and read a book in my room on my own. Then I told myself I was being stupid so went back got showered and went out again. Getting more free drinks and drinking through the hangover.
This year I will be on the placement I don't want to be doing. No lie in. I am not even telling them on placement that it's my birthday. I always think this year it will be different and I look forward to my birthday from about Xmas until about middle May.
Then I remember
1) I am going to be a year older and have still not achieved anything in life, as by this age I expected to be married, have a couple of kids, be in a stable job and have my own nice house to live in. At my age my Mum was married with 3 kids and they lived in a nice house in a reasonable area etc etc etc. But, I suppose I should think myself lucky that I do have my parents and brothers still. At 26 my Mum lost her Dad in an accident, he was only 52. I can't remember him as I was only 1 when he dies. But I should think myself lucky that I do still have both parents and they are quite supportive of me still living at home while I am doing my Masters.
Do you ever wish you could turn back time to about when you were 12 and have done things differently. I do all the time. 12 is my time to go back, read previous posts and you will understand why. I don't like directly talking about it so I won't! I would be like Erica in Being Erica. You know, change a regret and then go back to the time you are in now. I do wonder though if I would have been better never having met Gom? And really, I am not sure if I would have, if those events that happened when I was 12 I would not have been working at the pub I was working at as we wouldn't have move house. So I wouldn't have been out with a work friend that night and possibly not have met him. And as much as I go on about hating him I do have a lot to be thankful for from him.
Another regret would be the first time I self harmed. I remember it clearly. If I could go back to then and handle things differently I would never have done it. I wonder what I would be doing now though if I hadn't self harmed. As what made me consider social work was the lovely social worker I used to see who was amazing, and oh yeah, I had a crush on him.
I think maybe if none of those events occurred I would probably be doing medical nursing as was a career I toyed with a few times as I went through school and even as recently as a couple of years ago. When this whole thing with uni was kicking off my Mum said to me that she wasn't sure I was doing the best thing for me and my own sanity. I said that I couldn't do a boring job where I didn't get job satisfaction and she suggested going down the medical nursing side. She even said I could still do medicine. Growing up it was my dream to be a doctor. It kind of still is. But, I don't fancy another 6 years at uni. I would have to do some kind of foundation year in something like biomedical science which I should be able to get on to as my degree is a BSc and then do medicine after. But, I don't want to be an eternal student. I want to work. And, I don't think I could work hard enough. I am average. I am average as I don't try as hard as I should do. And medicine and being average just don't go together.
And 2) I really don't like organising anything as it seems as though although people like me they would rather have teeth pulled than maybe change a work day ( she was working the Saturday), make a slight effort to drive 40miles to come to a FREE BBQ where all they were expected to bring was their own supply of booze (and yes, I have travelled for other peoples birthday things) or be too busy to even let me know if they can come or not. Then usually the people that are going to come are a mix match of people from different friendship groups who don't seem to want to mix with each other as they may catch some awful air borne disease if they breath the same air. So I try and go between the two etc etc etc.
You can probably tell from reading this I am kinda pissed off with my so called friends. But, I should not have expected any better really. Maybe it's me being childish. Maybe it's me as I don't make an effort to go out with them anymore. But why should I go out to places I hate just so I can see them. I thought I was a good friend but maybe I am not. I am trying to think about what it could be that I have done, or what it is about me that people don't like enough to attend the thing I had organised for my birthday. Is it me? Do I come across as someone who is selfish and not a good friend?
Please tell me if I am doing something wrong. Or if perhaps I am being childish, or do I need to change my attitude?
Please comment on this one!!!!!!
I'm really not feeling good about this placement. I know very little of policies etc when it comes to kids. Not that I know loads when it comes to adults but I feel as though my experience lies with adults and there is not that many policies really. I have a good grasp of the Children Act. But that is it. I have a better grasp of NHS Community Care and Mental Health Acts which have been put to use in my previous placements. But I am really not feeling confident or good about it in anyway. I am also being sent to one of the most scumy areas there is in the county. As I have said before I don't like chavs, and I have a feeling this is going to be all about the chavs. I know, I really shouldn't be saying this considering I am training to be a social worker.
However, this is not as bad as someone in one of our lectures, someone who states she wants to be a mental health social worker, someone who wants to be a social worker that...group care is for the best as what will happen if all group care ended as there is no way she would want to live next door to someone with mental health problems. People actually walked out the lecture. I don't blame them. Statistically 1 in 3 of us in that room will suffer with a mental health problem at some point in their life. I also know, that there is not just me but someone else who has said to me he has had problems. Someone else has also said they took an OD when they were 17. So that's 3 of us already! And there is probably more I don't know about.
So, yeah there were a few people pissed off when this all happened. This person has also said before that she thought that disabled people shouldn't be allowed to have children. Disgusting really. So me saying I don't like chavs is hardly that bad in comparison. And anyway, I am a good worker. I do leave all my values at the door and don't let my personal opinions impact on my practice or judgement. I would bang on about how that is all anti oppressive etc, but this is not an essay for uni.
It's my birthday next week. I don't really feel like celebrating. I don't want to get any older. It's all quite depressing really. I think one of the reasons I don't feel like celebrating is because no one else does. It would be nice if my friends decided that they would like to celebrate it and did something for me but that wont happen. If I am lucky I'll get a brief Facebook message and that's it. Birthdays get crapper the older you get. Last year I spent the day in a bar in Vang Vieng (Laos) watching FRIENDS, feeling sorry for myself as I was mega hungover and didn't wake up until 2pm. I had been out the night before and as the clock turned 12 was getting free drinks in the bars. I walk home in a thunder storm, crawl across the bridge as I was scared as it was rickety (a nice Lao person helped me) and then fell over a bit more, cut my lip open, met my neighbour and slept with him. We were up until 8.30am and I woke up feeling worse for wear and ashamed with myself as I didn't actually like him that much. I did drink through the hangover though. At first I decided I was going to go back to my guest house, have a shower and read a book in my room on my own. Then I told myself I was being stupid so went back got showered and went out again. Getting more free drinks and drinking through the hangover.
This year I will be on the placement I don't want to be doing. No lie in. I am not even telling them on placement that it's my birthday. I always think this year it will be different and I look forward to my birthday from about Xmas until about middle May.
Then I remember
1) I am going to be a year older and have still not achieved anything in life, as by this age I expected to be married, have a couple of kids, be in a stable job and have my own nice house to live in. At my age my Mum was married with 3 kids and they lived in a nice house in a reasonable area etc etc etc. But, I suppose I should think myself lucky that I do have my parents and brothers still. At 26 my Mum lost her Dad in an accident, he was only 52. I can't remember him as I was only 1 when he dies. But I should think myself lucky that I do still have both parents and they are quite supportive of me still living at home while I am doing my Masters.
Do you ever wish you could turn back time to about when you were 12 and have done things differently. I do all the time. 12 is my time to go back, read previous posts and you will understand why. I don't like directly talking about it so I won't! I would be like Erica in Being Erica. You know, change a regret and then go back to the time you are in now. I do wonder though if I would have been better never having met Gom? And really, I am not sure if I would have, if those events that happened when I was 12 I would not have been working at the pub I was working at as we wouldn't have move house. So I wouldn't have been out with a work friend that night and possibly not have met him. And as much as I go on about hating him I do have a lot to be thankful for from him.
Another regret would be the first time I self harmed. I remember it clearly. If I could go back to then and handle things differently I would never have done it. I wonder what I would be doing now though if I hadn't self harmed. As what made me consider social work was the lovely social worker I used to see who was amazing, and oh yeah, I had a crush on him.
I think maybe if none of those events occurred I would probably be doing medical nursing as was a career I toyed with a few times as I went through school and even as recently as a couple of years ago. When this whole thing with uni was kicking off my Mum said to me that she wasn't sure I was doing the best thing for me and my own sanity. I said that I couldn't do a boring job where I didn't get job satisfaction and she suggested going down the medical nursing side. She even said I could still do medicine. Growing up it was my dream to be a doctor. It kind of still is. But, I don't fancy another 6 years at uni. I would have to do some kind of foundation year in something like biomedical science which I should be able to get on to as my degree is a BSc and then do medicine after. But, I don't want to be an eternal student. I want to work. And, I don't think I could work hard enough. I am average. I am average as I don't try as hard as I should do. And medicine and being average just don't go together.
And 2) I really don't like organising anything as it seems as though although people like me they would rather have teeth pulled than maybe change a work day ( she was working the Saturday), make a slight effort to drive 40miles to come to a FREE BBQ where all they were expected to bring was their own supply of booze (and yes, I have travelled for other peoples birthday things) or be too busy to even let me know if they can come or not. Then usually the people that are going to come are a mix match of people from different friendship groups who don't seem to want to mix with each other as they may catch some awful air borne disease if they breath the same air. So I try and go between the two etc etc etc.
You can probably tell from reading this I am kinda pissed off with my so called friends. But, I should not have expected any better really. Maybe it's me being childish. Maybe it's me as I don't make an effort to go out with them anymore. But why should I go out to places I hate just so I can see them. I thought I was a good friend but maybe I am not. I am trying to think about what it could be that I have done, or what it is about me that people don't like enough to attend the thing I had organised for my birthday. Is it me? Do I come across as someone who is selfish and not a good friend?
Please tell me if I am doing something wrong. Or if perhaps I am being childish, or do I need to change my attitude?
Please comment on this one!!!!!!
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
Cancelled
I was sitting there with my phone in my hand. I was waiting to go to a tutorial, I knew I shouldn't have been parked where I was so was leaving it until the last minute before I had to go. I suppose I was pushing it, parking outside the security office in a permit holder area only.
Any way. I was thinking "I really don't want to go to counselling today. I can't be bothered, what's the point". But I didn't want to say "I can't come as I can't be bothered". So I was sitting there (notice I was sitting not I was sat, as I was sitting is proper English innit right) thinking what I could write in a message, when. "beep" my message tone.
"Hi GP, really sorry it's short notice but I have to cover the drop in today and so can't make the session".
Was she reading my mind. Freaky. She has asked me if I am free in the day at any point before our next session which is the 6th of July. I said not. Not technically a lie. I will have study days on this 20 day placement but I am not sure when they are yet, and, as the title says STUDY days.
Maybe a break will give me a fresh look at it all. I hope so. Or do I. I've met this guy, Vince, and I quite like him. So now I am wanting to pull away even before we go anywhere as I don't want to do the explaining of the scars. I think I am going to go to my doctor and ask for a referral to this Red Cross thing and get the make-up to cover them up. I want to go swimming. OK, I am self conscious in a cossie but it makes it even worse in a cossie with massive scars all over your legs. One of my local pools does a deep water aerobics which is held in the dive tank. It sounds kinda fun, but there is no way I'll go while the scars are like this.
So I think I have about 3 weeks off now. I am going to take the time to think about things and see if I do want to continue with the counselling.
Oh, and my cockyness paid off. I didn't get clamped or even a warning. Jammy me!
Any way. I was thinking "I really don't want to go to counselling today. I can't be bothered, what's the point". But I didn't want to say "I can't come as I can't be bothered". So I was sitting there (notice I was sitting not I was sat, as I was sitting is proper English innit right) thinking what I could write in a message, when. "beep" my message tone.
"Hi GP, really sorry it's short notice but I have to cover the drop in today and so can't make the session".
Was she reading my mind. Freaky. She has asked me if I am free in the day at any point before our next session which is the 6th of July. I said not. Not technically a lie. I will have study days on this 20 day placement but I am not sure when they are yet, and, as the title says STUDY days.
Maybe a break will give me a fresh look at it all. I hope so. Or do I. I've met this guy, Vince, and I quite like him. So now I am wanting to pull away even before we go anywhere as I don't want to do the explaining of the scars. I think I am going to go to my doctor and ask for a referral to this Red Cross thing and get the make-up to cover them up. I want to go swimming. OK, I am self conscious in a cossie but it makes it even worse in a cossie with massive scars all over your legs. One of my local pools does a deep water aerobics which is held in the dive tank. It sounds kinda fun, but there is no way I'll go while the scars are like this.
So I think I have about 3 weeks off now. I am going to take the time to think about things and see if I do want to continue with the counselling.
Oh, and my cockyness paid off. I didn't get clamped or even a warning. Jammy me!
Fat Club - 3rd Weigh In. Also...the 1st date and other bits and bobs.
Not a good week.
Weight at Start - 17stone 0
Weight last week - 16stone 9
Weight this week - 16stone 10
Loss/Gain - Gain of 1lb.
Total Loss - 4lb
I am not happy. I knew it wouldn't be a good week but to put on weight. I am pretty miffed. I knew I wouldn't lose much if any. But to put on. I am quite upset by it. I know this week I need to measure what I have. Measure the meat etc. Not snack on goodies. I don't think I went over my points last week. I know Saturday was awful with the drinking and then Sunday I was snacking. OK, it wasn't awful but I did eat loads. So this week I am going to try and not use my weekly allowance. I have an essay to do and I hope that I can get that written over the weekend and not drink loads. Not drinking loads means no hang over and no hang over cravings.
So here's to a good next week.
On to other news. I went on that date last night. I really liked him and seems as though he liked me. We are going to see each other again at the weekend. I told him he had to plan it and think of something cheap and cheerful. I now feel even more stupid for cutting myself. It's going to take about 6 weeks to heal. Also, I was thinking of going to the doctors and asking about that red cross scar cover up stuff as I am starting to get conscious of them. I didn't tell him about the scars but I think I'll have tp spin him a story if things go well between us. I do quite like him and he seems normal which I am surprised at, as usually the guys you meet off line are a little odd.
I have an appointment with Sam in a couple of hours. I really don't want to go. I didn't used to be that bothered by the appointments but I really don't like going now. I don't like being challenged. I know it's all part and parcel of counselling but I don't like it. It's changed also. Before I would just talk about what I wanted to talk about and would usually only mention self harm but she seems to be focussing more on the self harm now and I find it so difficult.
I decided I am not going to mention Saturday night when I cut. I don't really have a lot to say to her. I really do think I am going to have to stop with counselling and everything and manage on my own. Perhaps I would be better on my own. I can't see any benefits really since I started all this.
I suppose I have a couple of weeks to think about it after today. I have 2 weeks off. Yay! But, what does worry me is if I decide I do want to carry on I have about 2 weeks after my 2 weeks off and then she is off for the summer school holidays.
I've had enough of it all now.
Weight at Start - 17stone 0
Weight last week - 16stone 9
Weight this week - 16stone 10
Loss/Gain - Gain of 1lb.
Total Loss - 4lb
I am not happy. I knew it wouldn't be a good week but to put on weight. I am pretty miffed. I knew I wouldn't lose much if any. But to put on. I am quite upset by it. I know this week I need to measure what I have. Measure the meat etc. Not snack on goodies. I don't think I went over my points last week. I know Saturday was awful with the drinking and then Sunday I was snacking. OK, it wasn't awful but I did eat loads. So this week I am going to try and not use my weekly allowance. I have an essay to do and I hope that I can get that written over the weekend and not drink loads. Not drinking loads means no hang over and no hang over cravings.
So here's to a good next week.
On to other news. I went on that date last night. I really liked him and seems as though he liked me. We are going to see each other again at the weekend. I told him he had to plan it and think of something cheap and cheerful. I now feel even more stupid for cutting myself. It's going to take about 6 weeks to heal. Also, I was thinking of going to the doctors and asking about that red cross scar cover up stuff as I am starting to get conscious of them. I didn't tell him about the scars but I think I'll have tp spin him a story if things go well between us. I do quite like him and he seems normal which I am surprised at, as usually the guys you meet off line are a little odd.
I have an appointment with Sam in a couple of hours. I really don't want to go. I didn't used to be that bothered by the appointments but I really don't like going now. I don't like being challenged. I know it's all part and parcel of counselling but I don't like it. It's changed also. Before I would just talk about what I wanted to talk about and would usually only mention self harm but she seems to be focussing more on the self harm now and I find it so difficult.
I decided I am not going to mention Saturday night when I cut. I don't really have a lot to say to her. I really do think I am going to have to stop with counselling and everything and manage on my own. Perhaps I would be better on my own. I can't see any benefits really since I started all this.
I suppose I have a couple of weeks to think about it after today. I have 2 weeks off. Yay! But, what does worry me is if I decide I do want to carry on I have about 2 weeks after my 2 weeks off and then she is off for the summer school holidays.
I've had enough of it all now.
Monday, 13 June 2011
Sprung
My friend text me today. She was taken to hospital Saturday night as someone threw a bottle at her and it hit her on the head. Result was her going to the ED. She said what time she was there etc. I didn't really think much of it. Just worried for her as it's a noticeable scar, or it will be when it heals. She kept asking and asking me if things were ok and then suddenly I clicked. I got home from the ED at about 5.30am. She was there at that time. She must have seen me.
So, I keep telling her that things are going great and then I get another message from her
So, I keep telling her that things are going great and then I get another message from her
"Are you sure you are ok? I saw you in the ED just before 5. I was about to be treated so couldn't speak to you and boyfriend was with me so didn't want to put you on the spot. I hope you feel you can say if something is wrong".
"Shit". Just what did she see and where? So after about an hour I had made some story up. Hoping she hadn't seen anything. I thought about saying I was there with someone else after a night out but I knew what I was wearing (joggers and a t-shirt) that that wouldn't go down. So I said that I had been sick and there was quite a bit of blood in it. I called NHS Direct and they advised me to go down to the ED. I then made up some story about how it was from my operation and the tubes being in my throat and being sick had caused a small tear. She asked me what had made me sick and I said some kind of allergic reaction. So she asked to what. I racked my brains what I have eaten with her before and am not likely to eat again and I said "clams". She was really questioning me over it. I could tell she doesn't believe me. She knows I self harm. She knows things are pretty shit but I wasn't going to tell her that.
I was worrying that she would have seen me while I was with the paramedics or when I was talking to a nurse when I was on the stretcher. But luckily not. She said she saw me on the phone in the entrance. Weirdly, I had a horrible feeling while I was there and I didn't want to walk through the department to get out so I went round a different corridor. I saw Bitch Nurse but I don't think she saw me. But I had this horrible feeling I didn't want to walk through the waiting area to get out. Turns out I was right. If I had have done she would have probably grabbed me there and asked what was going on and I wouldn't have been able to lie about it.
She kept asking me questions like why I wasn't in the main area. I said I was in a cubicle as I was throwing up and they didn't want me in the waiting area throwing up in front of other people as not nice for them. I said they gave me anti sickness pills while I was there which worked and told to go to my GP if I have any more problems.
I don't like lying but I am not prepared to tell anyone. As I said before I wouldn't give them my last name as I didn't want it on my medical records. I am glad she didn't approach me and it wasn't earlier as someone may have noticed and asked her what my last name was. It was a close call really. But I don't want it on my records. I am not going to tell Sam about it even. I can't see the point!
Bed time for me now. Another day of boring lectures tomorrow!
xxxx
Sunday, 12 June 2011
And Again
That post I wrote in the early hours of this morning needs more explanation.
Basically I ended up cutting last night. I don't know why. It came from no where. The decision was made and I did it. I had had a drink so maybe it was that and it stopped any self control I had.
I did end up going to the ED as someone saw me. I didn't cut at home. I went to the local park and someone saw me and the ambulance came. I said I didn't need to go but they said if I didn't go they would call the police. I was scared of being put on a 136 again.
I feel quite ashamed by my behaviour last night. Fit Nurse was on. The one on first name terms with. I embarrassed myself. I don't know why I just didn't keep quiet but I was telling him about Bitch Nurse, and used her first name. So he knows exactly who I was on about. I must have come across as someone who just abuses NHS services. I did say that I had not cut since January and that was the last time I had to go as of self harm. I was saying it like it was something I should be proud of and making it seem as though it wasn't as bad as I hadn't been there since January. I am so ashamed by my behaviour. And I really didn't need to go there. I actually stabbed myself in the leg with a scalpel blade. It went all the way in. In my own stupid state I fished it back out also. The wound itself is not bad and all they did was clean it. But I think I have gone through muscle as it is quite painful. It's hard trying to walk without a limp. It's not as though I can blame my ankle as it's the wrong leg.
I feel so ashamed. I shouldn't have cut. I don't know why I gave in last night. Is it stress? Is it the situation with my friends? Oh and they have no idea I feel like this either. They have no idea I am pissed off and upset by them. So it's a whole one sided thing. And, no one has emailed me or anything saying they were sorry I had cancelled my birthday plans.
I feel quite down today. I think it is because I am feeling let down with myself over last night. Not so much the cutting but my behaviour. I refused to give a full name. I hope they didn't figure it out. I don't want it on my medical records. That's why I refused to give full details. They asked me if I wanted to talk to someone and I said no. I didn't want to talk to crisis team. And, as I said I don't want it on my medical records. I don't want the Psychiatrist finding out. I am not even going to talk to Sam about it. I am not going to let anyone know. When the doctor was asking me about my thoughts and if I wanted to kill myself I refused to answer her also. I was a fool last night and I am appalled by my own behaviour!
What bothers me is the fact that whilst I was cutting it felt amazing. Am I going back down the cutting route? I thought the letting was stopping me from cutting. Maybe it's not.
I am having a PJ, feeling sorry for myself day today. I have been lying on my bed most the day watching re-runs of casualty. Tomorrow I am in Uni all day. Just hope this bloody weather stops. It is supposed to be summer, yet I am freezing and it's pissing it down with rain.
Grrrrr
Basically I ended up cutting last night. I don't know why. It came from no where. The decision was made and I did it. I had had a drink so maybe it was that and it stopped any self control I had.
I did end up going to the ED as someone saw me. I didn't cut at home. I went to the local park and someone saw me and the ambulance came. I said I didn't need to go but they said if I didn't go they would call the police. I was scared of being put on a 136 again.
I feel quite ashamed by my behaviour last night. Fit Nurse was on. The one on first name terms with. I embarrassed myself. I don't know why I just didn't keep quiet but I was telling him about Bitch Nurse, and used her first name. So he knows exactly who I was on about. I must have come across as someone who just abuses NHS services. I did say that I had not cut since January and that was the last time I had to go as of self harm. I was saying it like it was something I should be proud of and making it seem as though it wasn't as bad as I hadn't been there since January. I am so ashamed by my behaviour. And I really didn't need to go there. I actually stabbed myself in the leg with a scalpel blade. It went all the way in. In my own stupid state I fished it back out also. The wound itself is not bad and all they did was clean it. But I think I have gone through muscle as it is quite painful. It's hard trying to walk without a limp. It's not as though I can blame my ankle as it's the wrong leg.
I feel so ashamed. I shouldn't have cut. I don't know why I gave in last night. Is it stress? Is it the situation with my friends? Oh and they have no idea I feel like this either. They have no idea I am pissed off and upset by them. So it's a whole one sided thing. And, no one has emailed me or anything saying they were sorry I had cancelled my birthday plans.
I feel quite down today. I think it is because I am feeling let down with myself over last night. Not so much the cutting but my behaviour. I refused to give a full name. I hope they didn't figure it out. I don't want it on my medical records. That's why I refused to give full details. They asked me if I wanted to talk to someone and I said no. I didn't want to talk to crisis team. And, as I said I don't want it on my medical records. I don't want the Psychiatrist finding out. I am not even going to talk to Sam about it. I am not going to let anyone know. When the doctor was asking me about my thoughts and if I wanted to kill myself I refused to answer her also. I was a fool last night and I am appalled by my own behaviour!
What bothers me is the fact that whilst I was cutting it felt amazing. Am I going back down the cutting route? I thought the letting was stopping me from cutting. Maybe it's not.
I am having a PJ, feeling sorry for myself day today. I have been lying on my bed most the day watching re-runs of casualty. Tomorrow I am in Uni all day. Just hope this bloody weather stops. It is supposed to be summer, yet I am freezing and it's pissing it down with rain.
Grrrrr
Friday, 10 June 2011
Paying For Services
I wish that I paid for the services I receive. That way I would have a valid reason about stopping. That I can't afford it.
I have had counselling in the past and I was paying for it. So when it got that I didn't want to do it any more I could use lack of funds as and excuse. I was paying £30 per hour. That was the student rate. It should have been £50.
But, the more and more I think about it the more I don't want to do it anymore. I know. I do still let. But I can control it. I know it may go out of my control as Beth was saying on Tuesday. She said when I first started cutting I could control it quite well but got to stage where I couldn't. So this may happen with the letting.
I think what I don't like about all this work etc that I am doing is being told that I can't or wont be able to do something. Who the fuck are they to tell me that. Also, it kinda feels like too many people are involved. And too may people are getting together and discussing me. First Nurseman Mike calling in Crisis Team (after a lengthy discussion with the PDoc. I think Mike wants me sectioned!!!!!
Then Dr T talking to everyone. Dr T talking to Sam. Dr T having "discussions" about me and how a MH Assessment may be on the cards. Dr T discussing me in meetings about Support workers. Being discussed in meetings about what I do and they probably think they all know the answers. Being discussed in supervision between Sam and clinical psychologist (CP) whom I was referred to. Then Beth (My CPN) wanting to have a meeting with Sam and CP to talk about me again. I don't want these people talking about me anymore. I don't want these discussions anymore. I don't want people talking about me. It's not that I am worried what they will say behind my back. OK, I am a little. Sam generally tells me most things that are going on. Well I say that and I bet she is still having meetings about me.
I don't want it going on behind my back, but I don't want to be involved with it anymore. I don't want them talking when I am there either. I don't want it anymore.
I want to walk out. I know Catherine has said what would you say if it was a patient and you were working. Well. I feel now that I can never go back in to that job. I know on the face of it how it all looks. But look more deeper at my thoughts and feelings and as a worker I wouldn't be able to say anything. Seriously!
I would start off with all the shebang about needing help and rah rah rah rah. I would probably, may, possibly (I don't know) discount my own feelings. But no one knows how it feels deep inside.
I know that I don't want this anymore. It's too hard and I feel I have so much shit going on that this can be filed and put away.
Also, I am not planning on being here from mid August onwards. So why even try?
XXXXX
I have had counselling in the past and I was paying for it. So when it got that I didn't want to do it any more I could use lack of funds as and excuse. I was paying £30 per hour. That was the student rate. It should have been £50.
But, the more and more I think about it the more I don't want to do it anymore. I know. I do still let. But I can control it. I know it may go out of my control as Beth was saying on Tuesday. She said when I first started cutting I could control it quite well but got to stage where I couldn't. So this may happen with the letting.
I think what I don't like about all this work etc that I am doing is being told that I can't or wont be able to do something. Who the fuck are they to tell me that. Also, it kinda feels like too many people are involved. And too may people are getting together and discussing me. First Nurseman Mike calling in Crisis Team (after a lengthy discussion with the PDoc. I think Mike wants me sectioned!!!!!
Then Dr T talking to everyone. Dr T talking to Sam. Dr T having "discussions" about me and how a MH Assessment may be on the cards. Dr T discussing me in meetings about Support workers. Being discussed in meetings about what I do and they probably think they all know the answers. Being discussed in supervision between Sam and clinical psychologist (CP) whom I was referred to. Then Beth (My CPN) wanting to have a meeting with Sam and CP to talk about me again. I don't want these people talking about me anymore. I don't want these discussions anymore. I don't want people talking about me. It's not that I am worried what they will say behind my back. OK, I am a little. Sam generally tells me most things that are going on. Well I say that and I bet she is still having meetings about me.
I don't want it going on behind my back, but I don't want to be involved with it anymore. I don't want them talking when I am there either. I don't want it anymore.
I want to walk out. I know Catherine has said what would you say if it was a patient and you were working. Well. I feel now that I can never go back in to that job. I know on the face of it how it all looks. But look more deeper at my thoughts and feelings and as a worker I wouldn't be able to say anything. Seriously!
I would start off with all the shebang about needing help and rah rah rah rah. I would probably, may, possibly (I don't know) discount my own feelings. But no one knows how it feels deep inside.
I know that I don't want this anymore. It's too hard and I feel I have so much shit going on that this can be filed and put away.
Also, I am not planning on being here from mid August onwards. So why even try?
XXXXX
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Thinking of Quitting
I don't really want to be in therapy anymore. I can't see where I a going with it and I have started to feel uncomfortable in sessions. I used to be ok and I could open up but I don't feel that way anymore.
I also don't want to see Beth or Dr T any more.
I feel as though I am not getting anywhere. Things are no different now than they were when it all started. I have been seeing someone 7-9 months now and I don't feel as though things have changed. So what's the point? I don't like making my private thoughts open for every one to share. Also. Beth has said she wants to meet up with Sam and also the clinical psychologist so they can all work together. And, I know I shouldn't feel it but with all these people involved I am feeling as though I am being ganged up on. I am also feeling bad as Sam is nothing to do with NHS yet they keep pulling her in to things about me. It's not right. I feel as though I am taking too many of the organisations resources as she must be spending quite a bit of time on me. More than other people who just go to see her for an hour a week.
And, there is probably a waiting list for the service. I don't want to stop the blood letting and when I cut it is planned and usually with an OD and all part of a plan of trying to kill myself. Or if it's not it doesn't happen that often. I have got the blood letting and that has stopped me cutting. I haven't cut since January. I use that instead. So I feel as though I am being selfish as there may be someone who is waiting who actually wants to stop self harming and I am taking up a space.
Am I being rational? Can you see my point?
I need advice here please.
xxx
I also don't want to see Beth or Dr T any more.
I feel as though I am not getting anywhere. Things are no different now than they were when it all started. I have been seeing someone 7-9 months now and I don't feel as though things have changed. So what's the point? I don't like making my private thoughts open for every one to share. Also. Beth has said she wants to meet up with Sam and also the clinical psychologist so they can all work together. And, I know I shouldn't feel it but with all these people involved I am feeling as though I am being ganged up on. I am also feeling bad as Sam is nothing to do with NHS yet they keep pulling her in to things about me. It's not right. I feel as though I am taking too many of the organisations resources as she must be spending quite a bit of time on me. More than other people who just go to see her for an hour a week.
And, there is probably a waiting list for the service. I don't want to stop the blood letting and when I cut it is planned and usually with an OD and all part of a plan of trying to kill myself. Or if it's not it doesn't happen that often. I have got the blood letting and that has stopped me cutting. I haven't cut since January. I use that instead. So I feel as though I am being selfish as there may be someone who is waiting who actually wants to stop self harming and I am taking up a space.
Am I being rational? Can you see my point?
I need advice here please.
xxx
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
Fat Club - 2nd Weight In + Meeting with CPN
So,
Weight at Start 17stone.
Weight Now - 16 st 9 pounds
Weight Loss this week - 3 pounds
Total Loss - 5 pounds
I'm quite happy that I managed three pounds this week. It's working quite well this diet as I am not really trying. I am just swapping crap for fruit. And when I feel like I want to eat to comfort myself I will still but it will be a banana. I can't get enough of banana's. They have a comfort side to them. Although, I think I am spending more money on fruit than I was on crap. This eating healthy is not cheaper.
Like today. I went to the CO-OP and got some tinned grapefruit as thought that would be nice liquidised in with my pineapple and oranges, tinned pineapple, oranges, bananas and raspberries and it was £7. Fruit is not cheap.
So I am hoping that I will get my half a stone next week.
On to the next thing on the agenda.
Had my meeting with Beth the CPN today. I left feeling crap. I think a lot of the reason I feel so shit after any appointments is I don't like to be told how I am feeling. It is quite demeaning. And frustrating.
She wanted me to go in to detail about the last time that I tried to kill myself. So I told her about how back in January I knew my parents were away for a long weekend or however long it was and wanted to use that as an opportunity. I explained how I had been planning it for ages. I brought in alcohol, as I may as well go out pissed. I like to feel pissed but anyway. I said I had been planning it a while. I explained how I took an OD but not all of what I had and cut my legs really badly. I explained how I didn't know how I ended up locked in the office but my plan was to finish taking all the pills and go somewhere else and ligate. I know OD's don't get you right away and it is a long drawn out process but I wanted to cover all bases. I woke up on the floor of the office locked in. I don't even remember going in to the office. I explained to her how I went to the ED. She asked me why. I explained how I didn't go as of the OD. I didn't even tell them about it. I went because my leg was hurting and I wanted it stitching up as anything I wore was pressing on it and making it painful.
Beth said that if I really wanted to die I wouldn't have gone to the ED. And that I would have taken what else I had left that morning when I woke up. I tried to explain to her that I don't want to die at home. I don't want that for my parents. So being as though it was the middle of the day, that is why. Also, I plan my attempts in advance. It's not about how I am feeling at the time when I do it. It is my over all feelings. I didn't say this to her but, like now I am pretty stable at the moment. In that my mood is neither in my boots or is it in the trees. Yet, I know at some point it is going to change. I know, everyone has good times and bad times. But mine aren't like that. If it was just the normal feelings that everyone else got I would be able to deal with it. But it's not. And when I say everyone else I mean like people who have not had MH issues in the past. I want to make you understand I am not saying I can't cope with being a little sad as my pet dies, but it's big sad. It takes over my life. It's not like just being a little sad and being able to cope with it. I can deal with things when I know what has caused them. So, if I do feel sad because something happens I can attribute my feelings to that and deal with it. Deal with it like a rational, normal person.
It's the not knowing. The ones when it comes on from no where. Why I don't have reason to be feeling like I do, the ones where I should be feeling happy as things are going great. But for some reason, whether it be chemical, hormonal, emotional I am not. And that's another thing. When I feel like this I can't see any reason why I do. To me it comes from no where. All around me I have people telling me it has to be because of something. Well, does it? What if it is hormonal or chemical? They don't seem to want to even consider that! Anyway, I was off on one there...
But what I was saying is, it doesn't matter how I feel when I make those plans. It is the not knowing and the not wanting to go on not having control over it. I don't want these cycles all the bloody time. That is why I plan in advance, that is why I take what opportunities I am given. Like now, pretty stable but planning my own death again!
Anyway, I told Beth about that attempt on the Thursday night and how and why I didn't try on the Friday straight away. I did however try on the Saturday night. I took an OD again hoping that the pills I took would mess with my blood sugar, I cut and I did manage to make it out the house this time and I went to a quiet car park and ligated. I explained how someone must have seen me stagger, or there was CCTV and I am taken to hospital.
She seemed to think that this was an impulsive act. The second one. It was and it wasn't I suppose. It was as a result of the failure of the Thursday night and it was another go at it. She didn't seem to comprehend that making an attempt is knackering. That is takes so much energy and when you have failed you feel deflated and depressed. Too depressed to go about trying again. I said how I had felt like this for a while and one night there was an impulsive act where by I went to the Bridge and ended up on a 136. That was impulsive. That was because I was pissed and saw something. I also said to her how I would have never had jumped as I am too scared and that would not be one of my methods as I am a chicken and it was cold and I couldn't be sure it would work straight away and I don't want to go by drowning.
I just feel at appointments I am fighting my corner all the time. I come out feeling deflated. Maybe it's because I don't think about it that much before and I never know what to say. I struggle to articulate how things have been or how I feel about something.
I hate the way everything is about feelings. I don't feel anything. Not really. OK, at the moment I am feeling stressed. I have a shed load of uni work to be doing and no motivation. I am having doubts about my own ability for the course and so that makes me feel a bit shit. But, I know why that is making me feel crap. Who wouldn't if you were doubting your own ability.
All I know is at the moment I don't want to live in these cycles. I don't know when they are going to come. I don't know how long they will be there for or how they will go away. I don't like being told that there must be some emotion kicking it all off. Not necessarily. Grrrr.
We talked more about crisis resolution and the Crisis Team and how I would not contact them and why. I mentioned the going for a walk, have a bath thing and how I hated it.
To be honest I think all this therapy and psych input is a waste of time. I don't care about the blood letting. It's not an issue to me. OK, it's self harm, but it's nothing major to me. The other self harm is very often planned so far in advance that Crisis Team could do fuck all. By the time I have made up my mind there is no going back. I don't have crisis'. I make my decision and that is it. I don't have the feelings of needing to self harm as the blood letting takes this away. If I had the feelings of needing to then maybe I could see a point. The cutting I do because I enjoy it. So why would I have a crisis about that. The OD'ing; planned in advance. Again no crisis.
I don't think anyone can help me. I don't think I want help anymore. It just seems to land me in trouble anyway. I am fed up with it all and can't see the point with it all anymore. I am only doing it to keep them happy. But it makes me feel worse. I think I need to stop everything!
Weight at Start 17stone.
Weight Now - 16 st 9 pounds
Weight Loss this week - 3 pounds
Total Loss - 5 pounds
I'm quite happy that I managed three pounds this week. It's working quite well this diet as I am not really trying. I am just swapping crap for fruit. And when I feel like I want to eat to comfort myself I will still but it will be a banana. I can't get enough of banana's. They have a comfort side to them. Although, I think I am spending more money on fruit than I was on crap. This eating healthy is not cheaper.
Like today. I went to the CO-OP and got some tinned grapefruit as thought that would be nice liquidised in with my pineapple and oranges, tinned pineapple, oranges, bananas and raspberries and it was £7. Fruit is not cheap.
So I am hoping that I will get my half a stone next week.
On to the next thing on the agenda.
Had my meeting with Beth the CPN today. I left feeling crap. I think a lot of the reason I feel so shit after any appointments is I don't like to be told how I am feeling. It is quite demeaning. And frustrating.
She wanted me to go in to detail about the last time that I tried to kill myself. So I told her about how back in January I knew my parents were away for a long weekend or however long it was and wanted to use that as an opportunity. I explained how I had been planning it for ages. I brought in alcohol, as I may as well go out pissed. I like to feel pissed but anyway. I said I had been planning it a while. I explained how I took an OD but not all of what I had and cut my legs really badly. I explained how I didn't know how I ended up locked in the office but my plan was to finish taking all the pills and go somewhere else and ligate. I know OD's don't get you right away and it is a long drawn out process but I wanted to cover all bases. I woke up on the floor of the office locked in. I don't even remember going in to the office. I explained to her how I went to the ED. She asked me why. I explained how I didn't go as of the OD. I didn't even tell them about it. I went because my leg was hurting and I wanted it stitching up as anything I wore was pressing on it and making it painful.
Beth said that if I really wanted to die I wouldn't have gone to the ED. And that I would have taken what else I had left that morning when I woke up. I tried to explain to her that I don't want to die at home. I don't want that for my parents. So being as though it was the middle of the day, that is why. Also, I plan my attempts in advance. It's not about how I am feeling at the time when I do it. It is my over all feelings. I didn't say this to her but, like now I am pretty stable at the moment. In that my mood is neither in my boots or is it in the trees. Yet, I know at some point it is going to change. I know, everyone has good times and bad times. But mine aren't like that. If it was just the normal feelings that everyone else got I would be able to deal with it. But it's not. And when I say everyone else I mean like people who have not had MH issues in the past. I want to make you understand I am not saying I can't cope with being a little sad as my pet dies, but it's big sad. It takes over my life. It's not like just being a little sad and being able to cope with it. I can deal with things when I know what has caused them. So, if I do feel sad because something happens I can attribute my feelings to that and deal with it. Deal with it like a rational, normal person.
It's the not knowing. The ones when it comes on from no where. Why I don't have reason to be feeling like I do, the ones where I should be feeling happy as things are going great. But for some reason, whether it be chemical, hormonal, emotional I am not. And that's another thing. When I feel like this I can't see any reason why I do. To me it comes from no where. All around me I have people telling me it has to be because of something. Well, does it? What if it is hormonal or chemical? They don't seem to want to even consider that! Anyway, I was off on one there...
But what I was saying is, it doesn't matter how I feel when I make those plans. It is the not knowing and the not wanting to go on not having control over it. I don't want these cycles all the bloody time. That is why I plan in advance, that is why I take what opportunities I am given. Like now, pretty stable but planning my own death again!
Anyway, I told Beth about that attempt on the Thursday night and how and why I didn't try on the Friday straight away. I did however try on the Saturday night. I took an OD again hoping that the pills I took would mess with my blood sugar, I cut and I did manage to make it out the house this time and I went to a quiet car park and ligated. I explained how someone must have seen me stagger, or there was CCTV and I am taken to hospital.
She seemed to think that this was an impulsive act. The second one. It was and it wasn't I suppose. It was as a result of the failure of the Thursday night and it was another go at it. She didn't seem to comprehend that making an attempt is knackering. That is takes so much energy and when you have failed you feel deflated and depressed. Too depressed to go about trying again. I said how I had felt like this for a while and one night there was an impulsive act where by I went to the Bridge and ended up on a 136. That was impulsive. That was because I was pissed and saw something. I also said to her how I would have never had jumped as I am too scared and that would not be one of my methods as I am a chicken and it was cold and I couldn't be sure it would work straight away and I don't want to go by drowning.
I just feel at appointments I am fighting my corner all the time. I come out feeling deflated. Maybe it's because I don't think about it that much before and I never know what to say. I struggle to articulate how things have been or how I feel about something.
I hate the way everything is about feelings. I don't feel anything. Not really. OK, at the moment I am feeling stressed. I have a shed load of uni work to be doing and no motivation. I am having doubts about my own ability for the course and so that makes me feel a bit shit. But, I know why that is making me feel crap. Who wouldn't if you were doubting your own ability.
All I know is at the moment I don't want to live in these cycles. I don't know when they are going to come. I don't know how long they will be there for or how they will go away. I don't like being told that there must be some emotion kicking it all off. Not necessarily. Grrrr.
We talked more about crisis resolution and the Crisis Team and how I would not contact them and why. I mentioned the going for a walk, have a bath thing and how I hated it.
To be honest I think all this therapy and psych input is a waste of time. I don't care about the blood letting. It's not an issue to me. OK, it's self harm, but it's nothing major to me. The other self harm is very often planned so far in advance that Crisis Team could do fuck all. By the time I have made up my mind there is no going back. I don't have crisis'. I make my decision and that is it. I don't have the feelings of needing to self harm as the blood letting takes this away. If I had the feelings of needing to then maybe I could see a point. The cutting I do because I enjoy it. So why would I have a crisis about that. The OD'ing; planned in advance. Again no crisis.
I don't think anyone can help me. I don't think I want help anymore. It just seems to land me in trouble anyway. I am fed up with it all and can't see the point with it all anymore. I am only doing it to keep them happy. But it makes me feel worse. I think I need to stop everything!
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Don't Know Whether or Not to Carry On?
So, another appointment with Sam. It's given me alot to think about. I have not liked the last 2 appointments at all. She is now wanting answers. I can't provide them. We talked about the first time I self harmed and why. I said it was impulsive but I was incredibly angry and it was a way of internalising that anger. But now, it's different. It's not about internalising my emotions. She asked me what is was about and I said I didn't know. And I don't.
She kept talking about this 10 minute rule thing and how I should give it ago. I don't want to. Basically the way I feel is that the letting is not an issue to me. It's something I do. Like I smoke. I don't want to give up smoking even though other people tell me I should. I know it's not good for my health but if someone told me to not smoke and I wanted to then I would just smoke. You have to want it yourself to stop. Telling a smoker to cut down or try and stop smoking when they don't want to is not going to be successful, Nor are they going to be able or want to come up with reasons why they smoke and how they should go about stopping if they don't want to stop. I used this analogy with Sam and she said she understood where I was coming from but no one was asking me to stop but to analyse what my feelings and thoughts are should I not be able to self harm. I said to her that I don't see this as a problem. Cutting I see as a problem, not letting. Letting I see as something that stops me from cutting. Should I not let, I believe that I will start cutting again. I don't want to be cutting. I am covered in enough scars!
I said I was reluctant to when I didn't see it as a problem and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to stop. What I get from it is more than anything else in my life. When I know that I am going to do it I feel excited. Even if it is a few hours later the feeling I have when I decide I am going to do it is excitement. When I do it, I feel euphoria. Putting it off is just putting off something I am excited about. So it builds until I struggle to contain it. Say for example you have an event that you are excited about, a party, your birthday, a night out. You feel a good excitement don't you? Not nerves. Then as it gets closer you get more and more excited. If that event was then put off how would you feel? But you know it's still going to happen? I dunno, I am really struggling to articulate how it makes me feel. I think I self harm because I want to. Not because I need to. I am not punishing myself, I am not releasing emotions. I am doing it because I enjoy it. Maybe possibly I have some weird curious thing about the human body. I know I am curious about just how much the human body can take. Am I my own lab rat?
If someone told you that you should stop doing something that you enjoyed doing, that wasn't causing anyone else any trouble, and you didn't want to stop doing it. And, they wanted you to look at your thoughts and feelings about why you do it. Would you be a willing person?
We also had the no one is forcing you to come here talk. She asked me why I come to therapy if self harming was something I didn't want to stop. First off I said it was useful to have someone who wasn't phased by stuff that I said and to have a sounding board to bounce off. Also she gives me quite a lot of reassurance in things. Like if I say I am feeling one way about something which I am not sure is the right way to feel, or feel bad for voicing it.
For Example I didn't want my Nanna to die just before Xmas as it would taint Xmas every year. My other Nan did die just before Xmas. However, we have a way of dealing with it. We don't take our feelings out on everyone else and we just don't really get in the Xmas mood until after her anniversary. But after the anniversary we kind of get on with it. If my Nanna my Dad's Mum died just before Xmas, Xmas would have been a miserable affair for ever more as of the way my Dad would have dealt with it. I am not close to my Dad's mum, and to be honest, she has dementia and a whole other heap of old age related illnesses. She doesn't know anyone and really is just a shell that has a heart beat. So in a way I feel that it would be kinder for her to be left to die. What kind of life is that? Anyway, all that is another topic along with religion which I wont get on to as it's messy.
Anyway, I could never have said I hope that she holds on a couple more months just so Xmas isn't ruined each year to anyone. But I did say it to Sam and she said it was normal to think like that and was not unusual that I didn't want Xmas ruined for everyone. Please don't send me loads of hate comments now.
So I explained that it was nice to have that someone I feel I can be more honest with. Someone to listen and reassure me. I go to counselling so I can speak to someone where I am normal. Does that make sense?
So we talked more about why I was there. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to address everything. Sam said it was a busy time for me and I am dealing with a lot anyway. So if I wanted I could stop going and re-visit when things have settled down. There were 2 things I brought up with this...
1) I am going to be a Social Worker. Things are never going to settle down. I am going to be in a demanding job with a lot of pressures on me. I thought that maybe it would be better now for me to address things while I am still being closely supervised. And, that when is it the right time for these things???
2) Goes back to my massive fear of hospitalisation. I feel that by going a long with what they want means that I am less likely to be made to go in to hospital or be sectioned. Me going to counselling and seeing Dr T and taking the meds shows I am engaging. Basically I know the self harm isn't going to stop any time soon. So what happens if/when I rock up at the ED. I then turn round and say "no, I am not seeing those people, I am not going to take medication, I am not going to see a Dr and I have tried counselling, have decided it's not the right time for me and to be honest I don't really like counselling". My thoughts on this are that they are going to think that they will be left with no other option than to put me in hospital.
Picture it. I am being assessed by the crisis team or by Nurseman Mike. NMM has already said it is out of hand. He contacted the duty Psych before as he thought I was heading towards admission. He contacted Crisis team and made them come see me the next day at the appointment with Dr. They ask me what I have in place at the moment and I say I had but I stopped attending and taking meds. They are going to go for section aren't they?
No matter what people tell me about not having to go to counselling, not having to take the meds, not having to go see a Psychiatrist. I do! Yes, I could stop seeing them. But I know it's only a matter of time before I am back at the ED after cutting and being assessed again. So I feel as though I am told I have a choice in all of this. Well I don't really do I? Where is that choice?
I know I sound a bit mad here as I have been saying that I want to self harm because I enjoy it. But, even though I have just written about the negative sides or the possible repercussions of it. Yet I still want to. So maybe perhaps there is more than just wanting to and enjoying it.
Fuck. Now I am confusing myself and I am back to square minus 100. Sam keeps telling me I have come on a long way. I really don't see it. I don't see what good counselling will do for me. Maybe I am scared to stop. But of what? Failure? Not having an outlet. I think I have just gone and totally confused myself here. I need to stop thinking!!!!
She kept talking about this 10 minute rule thing and how I should give it ago. I don't want to. Basically the way I feel is that the letting is not an issue to me. It's something I do. Like I smoke. I don't want to give up smoking even though other people tell me I should. I know it's not good for my health but if someone told me to not smoke and I wanted to then I would just smoke. You have to want it yourself to stop. Telling a smoker to cut down or try and stop smoking when they don't want to is not going to be successful, Nor are they going to be able or want to come up with reasons why they smoke and how they should go about stopping if they don't want to stop. I used this analogy with Sam and she said she understood where I was coming from but no one was asking me to stop but to analyse what my feelings and thoughts are should I not be able to self harm. I said to her that I don't see this as a problem. Cutting I see as a problem, not letting. Letting I see as something that stops me from cutting. Should I not let, I believe that I will start cutting again. I don't want to be cutting. I am covered in enough scars!
I said I was reluctant to when I didn't see it as a problem and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to stop. What I get from it is more than anything else in my life. When I know that I am going to do it I feel excited. Even if it is a few hours later the feeling I have when I decide I am going to do it is excitement. When I do it, I feel euphoria. Putting it off is just putting off something I am excited about. So it builds until I struggle to contain it. Say for example you have an event that you are excited about, a party, your birthday, a night out. You feel a good excitement don't you? Not nerves. Then as it gets closer you get more and more excited. If that event was then put off how would you feel? But you know it's still going to happen? I dunno, I am really struggling to articulate how it makes me feel. I think I self harm because I want to. Not because I need to. I am not punishing myself, I am not releasing emotions. I am doing it because I enjoy it. Maybe possibly I have some weird curious thing about the human body. I know I am curious about just how much the human body can take. Am I my own lab rat?
If someone told you that you should stop doing something that you enjoyed doing, that wasn't causing anyone else any trouble, and you didn't want to stop doing it. And, they wanted you to look at your thoughts and feelings about why you do it. Would you be a willing person?
We also had the no one is forcing you to come here talk. She asked me why I come to therapy if self harming was something I didn't want to stop. First off I said it was useful to have someone who wasn't phased by stuff that I said and to have a sounding board to bounce off. Also she gives me quite a lot of reassurance in things. Like if I say I am feeling one way about something which I am not sure is the right way to feel, or feel bad for voicing it.
For Example I didn't want my Nanna to die just before Xmas as it would taint Xmas every year. My other Nan did die just before Xmas. However, we have a way of dealing with it. We don't take our feelings out on everyone else and we just don't really get in the Xmas mood until after her anniversary. But after the anniversary we kind of get on with it. If my Nanna my Dad's Mum died just before Xmas, Xmas would have been a miserable affair for ever more as of the way my Dad would have dealt with it. I am not close to my Dad's mum, and to be honest, she has dementia and a whole other heap of old age related illnesses. She doesn't know anyone and really is just a shell that has a heart beat. So in a way I feel that it would be kinder for her to be left to die. What kind of life is that? Anyway, all that is another topic along with religion which I wont get on to as it's messy.
Anyway, I could never have said I hope that she holds on a couple more months just so Xmas isn't ruined each year to anyone. But I did say it to Sam and she said it was normal to think like that and was not unusual that I didn't want Xmas ruined for everyone. Please don't send me loads of hate comments now.
So I explained that it was nice to have that someone I feel I can be more honest with. Someone to listen and reassure me. I go to counselling so I can speak to someone where I am normal. Does that make sense?
So we talked more about why I was there. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to address everything. Sam said it was a busy time for me and I am dealing with a lot anyway. So if I wanted I could stop going and re-visit when things have settled down. There were 2 things I brought up with this...
1) I am going to be a Social Worker. Things are never going to settle down. I am going to be in a demanding job with a lot of pressures on me. I thought that maybe it would be better now for me to address things while I am still being closely supervised. And, that when is it the right time for these things???
2) Goes back to my massive fear of hospitalisation. I feel that by going a long with what they want means that I am less likely to be made to go in to hospital or be sectioned. Me going to counselling and seeing Dr T and taking the meds shows I am engaging. Basically I know the self harm isn't going to stop any time soon. So what happens if/when I rock up at the ED. I then turn round and say "no, I am not seeing those people, I am not going to take medication, I am not going to see a Dr and I have tried counselling, have decided it's not the right time for me and to be honest I don't really like counselling". My thoughts on this are that they are going to think that they will be left with no other option than to put me in hospital.
Picture it. I am being assessed by the crisis team or by Nurseman Mike. NMM has already said it is out of hand. He contacted the duty Psych before as he thought I was heading towards admission. He contacted Crisis team and made them come see me the next day at the appointment with Dr. They ask me what I have in place at the moment and I say I had but I stopped attending and taking meds. They are going to go for section aren't they?
No matter what people tell me about not having to go to counselling, not having to take the meds, not having to go see a Psychiatrist. I do! Yes, I could stop seeing them. But I know it's only a matter of time before I am back at the ED after cutting and being assessed again. So I feel as though I am told I have a choice in all of this. Well I don't really do I? Where is that choice?
I know I sound a bit mad here as I have been saying that I want to self harm because I enjoy it. But, even though I have just written about the negative sides or the possible repercussions of it. Yet I still want to. So maybe perhaps there is more than just wanting to and enjoying it.
Fuck. Now I am confusing myself and I am back to square minus 100. Sam keeps telling me I have come on a long way. I really don't see it. I don't see what good counselling will do for me. Maybe I am scared to stop. But of what? Failure? Not having an outlet. I think I have just gone and totally confused myself here. I need to stop thinking!!!!
First Meeting
So I went to my first fat club meeting today. Also know as Weight Watchers. It went ok but I am not keen on the leader. She's a bit excitable. A bit over the top. The whole idea surrounding it with the new points system seems as though it could work ok. It's all a points based system. I quite like that as means that I am more aware of what I am eating. Also there are quite a few no point foods on there. Obviously I am going to have to make some changes. Which means no binging on chocolate or crap. But the boredom eating I should be able to combat through eating no point foods. These include things like fruit. So I can eat all the strawberries I want. I can also sprinkle on sweetener rather than sugar and keep it at no points.
I think my main problem is snacking and comfort eating. If I can make the swaps then it should work for me. I need to get more active though. At the moment it's a pain as of my ankle. It is hurting quite a bit more now I am out of the cast so I am being really weary of what I do. Once that heals though I am going to start going on the park and being more active. I have considered swimming but not sure with the scars. I considered female only in the evening but not sure if I want to get my legs out as I am over conscious of them. I do love swimming though. I always have. When I was younger (a lot younger) I was in swimming clubs and was really good. I used to swim at school and do well in competitions. I stopped going as I moved clubs as my instructor moved and some of the girls in the new club bullied me. So I gave it up. But I could swim even with my ankle being dodgy as the water would support it more. But, I still have the problem with the scars. They are just about healed now. It's only taken more than 4 months! But it's obvious scaring!
I lost 2 stone through WW about 6 years ago. It worked well for me and I felt as though I had a lot more confidence when I have lost some weight. So I hope that this is the last time that I will go for it.
I've got an appointment with Sam later. I'm dreading it. I've stopped telling her a lot about how I am feeling. For instance there is no way I am going to tell her about my plans for the end of July. I mentioned that I would probably cut while parents are away and she seemed as though she was really pissed off with me. So I won't be talking about it anymore.
I am feeling a bit emotional today. I hope that doesn't mean I will start crying in the appointment later. I was sat in the WW meeting and I just wanted to cry! I don't know why. But I thought I was going to have to leave as I could feel it coming on. I don't know why I wanted to cry. It came from no where.
I'm a bit nervous about the appointment today. She wanted me to try the whole 10 minute rule thing. I haven't. I've just let anyway. I explained to her last week that once I made the decision to let then there was no point in me trying that. Also as I don't see that as a problem then I don't see the point in waiting 10 minutes. I said it's so mundane to me it's like putting off getting a cup of tea and see how you feel in 10 minutes. No different.
Are my thoughts becoming twisted? Does is sound rational what I am saying?
I think my main problem is snacking and comfort eating. If I can make the swaps then it should work for me. I need to get more active though. At the moment it's a pain as of my ankle. It is hurting quite a bit more now I am out of the cast so I am being really weary of what I do. Once that heals though I am going to start going on the park and being more active. I have considered swimming but not sure with the scars. I considered female only in the evening but not sure if I want to get my legs out as I am over conscious of them. I do love swimming though. I always have. When I was younger (a lot younger) I was in swimming clubs and was really good. I used to swim at school and do well in competitions. I stopped going as I moved clubs as my instructor moved and some of the girls in the new club bullied me. So I gave it up. But I could swim even with my ankle being dodgy as the water would support it more. But, I still have the problem with the scars. They are just about healed now. It's only taken more than 4 months! But it's obvious scaring!
I lost 2 stone through WW about 6 years ago. It worked well for me and I felt as though I had a lot more confidence when I have lost some weight. So I hope that this is the last time that I will go for it.
I've got an appointment with Sam later. I'm dreading it. I've stopped telling her a lot about how I am feeling. For instance there is no way I am going to tell her about my plans for the end of July. I mentioned that I would probably cut while parents are away and she seemed as though she was really pissed off with me. So I won't be talking about it anymore.
I am feeling a bit emotional today. I hope that doesn't mean I will start crying in the appointment later. I was sat in the WW meeting and I just wanted to cry! I don't know why. But I thought I was going to have to leave as I could feel it coming on. I don't know why I wanted to cry. It came from no where.
I'm a bit nervous about the appointment today. She wanted me to try the whole 10 minute rule thing. I haven't. I've just let anyway. I explained to her last week that once I made the decision to let then there was no point in me trying that. Also as I don't see that as a problem then I don't see the point in waiting 10 minutes. I said it's so mundane to me it's like putting off getting a cup of tea and see how you feel in 10 minutes. No different.
Are my thoughts becoming twisted? Does is sound rational what I am saying?
Sunday, 22 May 2011
Thoughts
I am pretty stable at the moment. Although in a weird way I feel unsettled about it. I don't know how long it is going to last for. I don't know how long it is before I sink in to a depressive state again. Or how long before everything speeds up and my thoughts race and I feel a bit hyper. Although I don't mind it so much when that happens. I prefer the ups. But unfortunately they don't happen that often. So basically I am waiting to sink in to the depression again.
I say I am pretty stable. But last nights self harm probably wouldn't show that. The letting was bad last night. I probably did more than I have done before. And I used a different method to get more out. I found if I sucked on the end of the needle I could get more out and it wouldn't clot. So let a lot more than I probably should have done. And since I have found a new method I wanna do it again now.
Sam told me to wait 10 minutes from when I want to self harm and then seeing if I can wait another 10 minutes. I know if I continued to do it as bad as that every night then the letting would become a problem and I would be bothered about what it was doing to me. I know I will self harm later. I have come on here to distract myself away from doing it as I prefer to do it last thing at night. It's like taking a sleeping pill.
Also, I have been thinking more and more about July/August. I am thinking it may be a good time to end it all. No one will be around. It's perfect timing. I will be on my own. I wont have anyone around me to notice I am not around as uni will have finished for summer, I will have finished placement, family all on holiday and my friends don't seem to notice when I have not been in contact. I have had thoughts about what I will be doing also. I won't go in to detail on here but the more and more I think about it the more it seems logical.
I can't cope with these ups and downs. I want to be normal. I have tried so many different pills which don't seem to work and I am so sick of it. I don't want to live my life wondering how long I will have of being stable before the next episode. Also, I am stable at the moment so I am being rational. It's not as though I am in a depressed state where I can't see a way out, or if I am having racing thoughts and I am being irrational. I have thought about this loads recently. I need to fine tune a few things and get a few things figured out, like time, place, method. But I think I am being quite rational. I am stable at the moment. I am making a thought out decision, it's not rash, it's not impulsive. A lot of thought will have gone in to it.
I don't want to talk to Sam about it. My mind is made up on this one. I wont be talked out of it. I will carry on seeing Sam in the mean time as she does offer good support around the self harm. But, I have found that I am becoming less and less honest with her. I am not able to talk about the self harm with her. Does this mean that it is a waste of time me going now. I can't be open and honest with her. I am scared to be. Especially after what happened with the course. And especially as now she is being supervised by the Clinical Psychologist who is working with Dr T. I don't want what I say getting back to him. As I have said before I am worried about being made to go in to hospital. I won't let that happen. I have a plan for if it does but I would rather not end it that way.
I just feel as though everything I am doing is a big waste of time at the moment. Why should I continue to do stuff with uni if I am not going to be around to see it through. Why am I bothering.
Why am I waiting until July/August. Why wait? I suppose I should wait. I can plan more and make it more definite. I have time to play with I should make the most out of it!
I say I am pretty stable. But last nights self harm probably wouldn't show that. The letting was bad last night. I probably did more than I have done before. And I used a different method to get more out. I found if I sucked on the end of the needle I could get more out and it wouldn't clot. So let a lot more than I probably should have done. And since I have found a new method I wanna do it again now.
Sam told me to wait 10 minutes from when I want to self harm and then seeing if I can wait another 10 minutes. I know if I continued to do it as bad as that every night then the letting would become a problem and I would be bothered about what it was doing to me. I know I will self harm later. I have come on here to distract myself away from doing it as I prefer to do it last thing at night. It's like taking a sleeping pill.
Also, I have been thinking more and more about July/August. I am thinking it may be a good time to end it all. No one will be around. It's perfect timing. I will be on my own. I wont have anyone around me to notice I am not around as uni will have finished for summer, I will have finished placement, family all on holiday and my friends don't seem to notice when I have not been in contact. I have had thoughts about what I will be doing also. I won't go in to detail on here but the more and more I think about it the more it seems logical.
I can't cope with these ups and downs. I want to be normal. I have tried so many different pills which don't seem to work and I am so sick of it. I don't want to live my life wondering how long I will have of being stable before the next episode. Also, I am stable at the moment so I am being rational. It's not as though I am in a depressed state where I can't see a way out, or if I am having racing thoughts and I am being irrational. I have thought about this loads recently. I need to fine tune a few things and get a few things figured out, like time, place, method. But I think I am being quite rational. I am stable at the moment. I am making a thought out decision, it's not rash, it's not impulsive. A lot of thought will have gone in to it.
I don't want to talk to Sam about it. My mind is made up on this one. I wont be talked out of it. I will carry on seeing Sam in the mean time as she does offer good support around the self harm. But, I have found that I am becoming less and less honest with her. I am not able to talk about the self harm with her. Does this mean that it is a waste of time me going now. I can't be open and honest with her. I am scared to be. Especially after what happened with the course. And especially as now she is being supervised by the Clinical Psychologist who is working with Dr T. I don't want what I say getting back to him. As I have said before I am worried about being made to go in to hospital. I won't let that happen. I have a plan for if it does but I would rather not end it that way.
I just feel as though everything I am doing is a big waste of time at the moment. Why should I continue to do stuff with uni if I am not going to be around to see it through. Why am I bothering.
Why am I waiting until July/August. Why wait? I suppose I should wait. I can plan more and make it more definite. I have time to play with I should make the most out of it!
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Annoying People
I think Sam was kinda pissed off with me today. The stuff I was saying, well, kind of like going backwards. I told her about the appointment with Beth and how that made me feel.
I was then telling her how I know come July when I am on my own for a month I know I am going to cut. And when I cut, it's pretty serious and usually requires stitches. She seemed pissed off with me that I said it and that I felt that way. I tried to explain how when I cut it takes time. It's my thing. Some people throw a party when their parents go away, me, I cut. I said it was kind of like a treat. Not happening very often. Some people may like a pill when they want a treat, you know, like E. Me, I cut.
She got kind of worked up by it and was saying how if I end up in hospital I may end up being sectioned as the people who assess me don't know me and it's a possibility. So I said at the time I don't think about the consequences and of all the people I have spoken to before I can get out of hospital admissions by saying what they wanna hear. She kept asking what if I couldn't. I didn't answer but I think I have done it so many times before, unless I am acutely psychotic I don't think there is much chance of that. Also, my last hospital attendance because of self harm was in January. So come July they will look at that and see that and not worry. Anyway, I am not even saying I would have to go to hospital. It's just that I plan on having a couple of nights cutting as I like to cut.
I said to her that I didn't see the self harm as a problem. OK, it's every night but it's not a problem. It's not serious. And the reason I do that is so I am not cutting. It's my stopping cutting method. She asked me to try the 10 minute rule thing. That's where you stop before you cut for 10 mins and assess how you are feeling. I said I felt it was a waste of time for me. I did it and waited 10mins, but I see the blood letting as being a normal thing. It's not a big deal. If I saw or felt effects from it I would possibly change my view point. But, I don't. It's not like I am gauging big holes in myself that need hospital treatment, it's not as though I am risking losing my leg, or getting infection. So why should I stop? I don't want to stop.
So what now? Do I stop with counselling, do I stop with Dr T? If I stop and say I don't want any more input would that mean I end up in the hospital? I want to be left alone. I don't want to do any of this and the only reason I do so is because I scared of what will happen if I don't. The meds help me sleep. So I would quite like to stay on them. Also, since I have been on them weirdly I have lost weight. So it's one good side effect of Quetiapine.
But what do I do now?
I was then telling her how I know come July when I am on my own for a month I know I am going to cut. And when I cut, it's pretty serious and usually requires stitches. She seemed pissed off with me that I said it and that I felt that way. I tried to explain how when I cut it takes time. It's my thing. Some people throw a party when their parents go away, me, I cut. I said it was kind of like a treat. Not happening very often. Some people may like a pill when they want a treat, you know, like E. Me, I cut.
She got kind of worked up by it and was saying how if I end up in hospital I may end up being sectioned as the people who assess me don't know me and it's a possibility. So I said at the time I don't think about the consequences and of all the people I have spoken to before I can get out of hospital admissions by saying what they wanna hear. She kept asking what if I couldn't. I didn't answer but I think I have done it so many times before, unless I am acutely psychotic I don't think there is much chance of that. Also, my last hospital attendance because of self harm was in January. So come July they will look at that and see that and not worry. Anyway, I am not even saying I would have to go to hospital. It's just that I plan on having a couple of nights cutting as I like to cut.
I said to her that I didn't see the self harm as a problem. OK, it's every night but it's not a problem. It's not serious. And the reason I do that is so I am not cutting. It's my stopping cutting method. She asked me to try the 10 minute rule thing. That's where you stop before you cut for 10 mins and assess how you are feeling. I said I felt it was a waste of time for me. I did it and waited 10mins, but I see the blood letting as being a normal thing. It's not a big deal. If I saw or felt effects from it I would possibly change my view point. But, I don't. It's not like I am gauging big holes in myself that need hospital treatment, it's not as though I am risking losing my leg, or getting infection. So why should I stop? I don't want to stop.
So what now? Do I stop with counselling, do I stop with Dr T? If I stop and say I don't want any more input would that mean I end up in the hospital? I want to be left alone. I don't want to do any of this and the only reason I do so is because I scared of what will happen if I don't. The meds help me sleep. So I would quite like to stay on them. Also, since I have been on them weirdly I have lost weight. So it's one good side effect of Quetiapine.
But what do I do now?
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