It's Nearly Christmas :-(

I don't like Christmas. I haven't since I was a kid. But anyway....

Saw G last Friday. I mainly talked about this guy that I had been seeing (well still am), and how I didn't really know what to do. I told G most things about him, but did leave out some of the more intimate things out. And I will on here as well!

But anyway, I was telling him about how weird he is and how I am scared that he may be controlling and how that worries me. It's little things like how he will read a message over my shoulder as I am texting friends, and he will comment on what they've said or what I've said. OK, so it was in his eye line, but to make it obvious you are reading it, I find that weird. But the the other day, he actually moved himself so he could read what was on my phone. I don't like that at all! Another thing was I had some paperwork in a folder that was on the arm of one sofa. I came back in the room and the folder was open on the other sofa.


He doesn't have any idea what personal space is and he stands on top of me all the time making me feel uncomfortable. I have also found myself getting very irritated by him. The other day, I wasn't very well at all. I have had a really bad cold and cough, so I haven't been sleeping and been feeling pretty horrible. He came round on Sunday and I cooked a big Sunday dinner. 2 joints and all the trimmings. It took me about 4 hours to do everything. So he came round, ate it. Said it was nice. And didn't make any effort to help me clean up or wash up. So I started moaning about how ill I was feeling and banging around in a bit of a huff and to make it obvious I was struggling. I had just about finished, all I had to do was wipe down the surfaces, and he then pipes up and said if I want, he can help me. In my mind he should have said before I started "I'll do that, you cooked, you sit down while I wash up". Of course I'm not going to say actually yes, I do want you to. He should have taken control, or even at least offered after we had had dinner not just as I was finishing off. If someone had taken the effort to cook me dinner, even if it was just pasta, I would make sure I helped clean up after. I wouldn't take no for an answer. I know it's quite small. But, he strikes me as quite lazy and expects to be waited on. And the way he eats. It's so bloody delicate. It drives me mad. He needs to man up! He holds the knife and fork the wrong way and it's like he is using chop sticks to cut up his food. I think perhaps I am being irritated by very small things because I don't like him that much anymore.

Then there's the big thing. He doesn't have any contact with his family. He says it's because they treated him badly when he was suffering with anxiety. But, from what he said some of the things they did, they really don't sound that bad. Not so much that you would not have any contact with them and then go and change your name through deed poll. And not just changing his name, but to that of a well known author, an author who was very controversial and whose books, one in particular had some sort of cult following and copies of it were found on a person when they were arrested after assassinations of some quite famous people!

I feel like there is something he is hiding from me. Something he is not being honest about that is quite big. So much so, I have contacted the police and requested information about him under this Clare's Law. So that basically if there is anything in his history that could possibly cause harm to my family or myself, such as domestic violence, they can tell me.

So, if I am honest. I am pretty scared. My friends have got it in my head that something is seriously wrong. They have said that I shouldn't tell him face to face that it's over as they are worried about me. And now so am I.

I was telling G about some of the things that bothered me. This was before I had fully made up my mind and was more just the little mannerisms that annoyed me. And I said to him how I felt that there could be something he was not saying. G said he wasn't going to tell me what to do, as he couldn't do that. But what he did say was that he was a massive believer in gut instinct and I should follow that. So basically, he was telling me I shouldn't go there.

So now, I have to find a way in telling him I don't want a relationship with him anymore. But, I have to do it in a way that won't upset him, as I don't want to upset him as there is the worry he could hurt me.

Also, because of where I met him. If I want to continue to go there I don't want it to be awkward. I want to continue to be able to go there as I really enjoy it and it's helped me no end in combating this whole low mood etc. So, I don't want to stop with that.

I don't think, I want to stop this relationship as I am scared you'll murder me will really work. But what would?

I can't really remember what G and I talked about in our session. We did talk about this guy quite a bit. And what it meant to me having someone who has seen my scars. That has been a big thing for me. Hence why I hadn't been with anyone in 3 years. That there was also the part of me that wanted to hold on to what I had with him as he had accepted me for who I was. Well, who I am! While the sex with him is pretty good, I can't help but think I am getting to that age where I want to meet someone I can have children with. Someone who will be a good father, and someone I don't mind being in my life, for the rest of my life. He is definitely not that person.

I've been having quite a few urges recently. Both harm and suicidal. Perhaps it is because of how I am feeling about this situation and there is all that uncertainty, also because I have been ill the last week, I have not been able to go to the gym and hammer it.

I have also been having feelings of being quite worthless and that I mean nothing. Again, this is probably because I have been physically ill and I haven't been able to get out and about like I usually would. I haven't had the energy and I have spent the last few days at home, only going out for short periods, where as usually I am out most the day. I hope it's that anyway.

Going to monitor it and see how things go. But I am worried it is the start of a downward spiral again.

It's my last ever appointment with my CPN tomorrow. She is moving me off her service and I am being moved over to a different one. I have had her since 2011, so coming up to 3 years. It's only been the last few months that I have felt that I have been able to trust her and be open with her. So feeling a bit off about that. I feel as though I am finally getting somewhere with someone and then I stop seeing them. For so long I didn't like her, where as now I do. But, I suppose that probably shows recovery doesn't it? It shows that I am moving forward.

The schema therapy is helping too. It's making me more aware of my thought processes and how all the things I think and do are related to these schemas, also known as life traps. He did talk about me writing a letter to my parents about how I feel about the things that happened when I was brought up. I have thought about this and am not sure. I can't help but feel it's me being over sensitive. That, it's just the way I have reacted to it. That it's some flaw within me that has caused me to be the way I am. I have said this and G has said that this is my defectiveness schema/life trap being activated. But, I mean, it really wasn't that bad my upbringing. I am sure other people have had it a hell of a lot worse and they haven't come out of it the way I have. So it is me isn't it? It must be a flaw within me. Yes, it may be my defectiveness schema/life trap coming in. But this isn't a belief that it is a flaw. It quite obviously is isn't it?

Perhaps this is something I need to work on more with him. I can't help believing what I believe. But this isn't a belief. A belief would be me thinking I am useless, I have nothing good about me, I fail at everything I do. And while, yes, I do get these at times, I can see that they are just beliefs and I have facts to back up that they are not true. For instance, I have a lot of friends who like to spend time with me, people ask my opinion on things, I achieved a degree. But this. This is fact!

Emotional Deprivation.

That's what came out of the psychology session last Friday.

He basically came out with that as a child, he didn't think my emotional needs were met, which is one of the main reasons why I have the problems that I do now. I was quite shocked and he really hit a nerve with me. As he was saying it, he stopped and asked if I was ok? Then he said he could see I wasn't and that he wasn't sure whether or not to carry on with where he was going as he was aware I was doing well at the moment and didn't want to bring me down. I said to him, while it was hard hearing it and I was struggling with it, I would rather do the hard stuff now and get it out the way now when I can better deal with it. I am more likely to come home, process it and not do anything with it than when I am low. If I am low I get a "what's the point" attitude and cause harm to myself. But, it was a really hard session and I was feeling a bit shit after.

So I saw R Friday night and he kept me awake all night with his snoring and his moving around in his sleep was causing me to do things in my half sleep. So, by the time Saturday morning rolls around I am very irritated and don't want him any where near me at all. All night he has been snoring and wanting to have his arms round me. I was really irritated by him and didn't want him anywhere near me. So I faked ill. I really played the dying girl act, I wanted him to go home and give me some time to myself. We were supposed to be spending the day together but everything just pissed me off.

I've got a few concerns about the whole relationship with him. A few worries. There's a few early signs that are bothering me. So much so I am going to contact the police and talk to them about this Clare's Law. I don't know if it's because my Mum planted the seed and I have told my friend this and then every thing I look for there is something. But surly, it's better to be safe than sorry?

I am worried about him as well. I don't want to hurt him. I have said to my friend I am going to give it a few weeks and see where things lie then. I am aware that he hasn't got anyone else so I don't want to end it with him before Xmas, and it's his birthday in January, so if I still have all my doubts I will end it then. But there is a niggling doubt at the back of my mind that some things aren't right and I am not getting the whole truth.

I'm just going to see how things pan out with it. I am worried that it's me who is being more accepting of it and blind to it because he seems to accept me for who I am. He knows about the scars and what caused them. And because of that there is some underlying fear that I won't get anyone else and because he is accepting, to hold on to it. I don't think it's a conscious thought, but part of me is worried it's an unconscious thing. But also another unconscious thing could be that I am trying to pick fault with everything and am picking it a part. It scares me because I don't know my own mind. I don't understand myself and what's going on. I used to be so self assured, but I am not anymore. I don't know myself anymore. And that is scary!

The Way Things Are.

I mentioned before that my parents have now split up. Well it just keeps getting nasty and nastier. Well maybe that's not the right term. It's getting worse and worse. It's come out that my Dad has been seeing someone already and he has been sleeping with her. What makes it worse is it was a family wedding they met at (my brothers nor me noticed) and it looks likely that it is the mother of the bride. My mum is totally devastated by it. She left him, as I have talked about before, my Dad has the habit of being a bit of a knob so her leaving him was understandable. But it wasn't even 2 weeks after she moved out before he was in some one elses bed. It's a bit weird really.

I live with my Mum and she is in a right mess. She can barely hold it together. Obviously I feel for her. But she left him. OK, it can't be nice. I have said to my Dad I don't want to get involved and am not going to get in the middle of them but it seems as though he has just gotten over my Mum so quickly like the past 35 years didn't matter.

But, is it really wrong of me to think about how all this is affecting me? I am struggling enough with my own thoughts and I need someone to look out for me at the moment. Not me being the carer. Also, I think the boundaries of mother-daughter are close to being crossed as she is wanting to tell me what has happened and how it makes her feel revengeful and asking my thoughts on what she is doing when it is something that has a drastic effect on my Dad. If I am honest I can't cope with all of this. I can't be counsellor/friend/etc. I need that myself at the moment and am unable to offer it to anyone else. I know this makes me sound like the most selfish person in the world. It probably makes me it.

It's draining also. I don't know what to say and when she cries which is most the time I just don't know what to say. I feel so bad that I can't find the words to say. I know I had similar with Gom but then not really as it was only 8 years I was with him, we didn't have kids, and he was the instigator in us breaking up. So in some respect it is more hurtful in my eyes when it happened to me. I didn't want to break up I wanted him. This is her wanting to break up and not wanting him, but no one else can. All I can think of to say is that it seems like the end of the world at the moment but things will get better. But, I think she's sick of hearing it. She must be.

So that's my update on the parent situation and how I feel about it. I wish in a way I was a kid so at least I would 1) Be kept out of it, or 2) at least be able to behave like a child in dealing with it all.

I had Jo the OT woman come round today. She asked me what I had been doing and looked at my activity diary. She told me what I already knew that when I was with people I was in better mood. In that when looking after my nephews the other day my mood wasn't as low. This is because I felt I had more purpose and was nice to feel needed. Anyway, she wants me to think about filling in this application for volunteering a few hours a week. If I am honest I am terrified. I have lost all my confidence in my abilities since being in hospital and I don't feel like I can commit to anything. She has also given me a sheet to fill out that is a load of activities that I have done in the past, do now or would consider doing in the future. I suppose it's so she can get me some groups that I can start going to.

I'm kind of all over the place at the moment and I am really struggling to write tonight. I can't focus on a topic and I'm struggling to make much sense. So I am going to leave it there. I may come back and edit at some point or I may just write another post. But that's it for now.

x

Update

I am still under the section 3, but I am on leave. Being told that I can not return to my course until next year has hit me hard and my mood has dipped because of it. I don't know what I am going to do for the next year. I don't seem to see things long term which the other day Beth and the Pdoc made me see. They asked me if I could see being a social worker or just doing the course. At the moment it was just doing the course. I don't know what I want long term.

I am still having the suicidal thoughts, granted it's not a constant thing but they are there. They creep in when they are least expected and knock me back quite hard. Also have not been self harming on a daily basis as I was before going in to hospital. The reasons behind this are because I have not had time on my own, the house I now live in is tiny and I can't lock any doors. It's not through not wanting to and I can feel it building. This worries me quite a lot as given the chance I think I will and I think it would/could be quite serious. As I already know, I don't self harm in a light way very often. The scar on my stomach from having emergency surgery shows that. I spoke to Beth about this the other day when she came to see me. At the moment I am seeing her on a weekly basis. She came to my house and my Mum went out. She said she was also concerned that it wasn't a choice of mine that I wasn't self harming and it was because I didn't have the opportunity to. But, I suppose where there is a will there is a way so it may be some unconcious decision I I making not to self harm.

After nearly 3 months of being in hospital I didn't think I would hear from Vince again. I assumed he would give up. But, he didn't. He saw when I was back in the real world (Facebook) and messaged me (Facebook again) saying he was glad I was alive and he was worried about me while I had been away as my phone was bouncing back messages and he could tell I hadn't been online in a while. I made some story up, well I didn't. I just didn't tell him I had been in hospital under a section or that I had been anywhere near a psych hospital. We got talking again and we agreed that while we couldn't pick up where we left off (about to jump in to bed with each other and on the road to becoming boyfriend and girlfriend) we did want to see each other. So...I am seeing him on Tuesday. I've got even more scars now on my legs from where I self harmed quite a lot when I was in hospital. I am worried that he will know that they are self harm scars. One day, if we did become a couple and a LOT further down the line I will tell him I am diagnosed as having Cyclothymia and explain about it and tell him in the future how I had to go in to hospital so that I could be treated for it.

As I said though, my mood seems to have taken a dip. I have lost that motivation that was there before and would be happy to spend the day in my PJ's without showering or brushing my teeth. I got away with it yesterday because I am ill also, but would not be allowed to get away with it usually. I drag myself out of bed after 13hours in there to show face but again, if I was on my own I would probably be spending a lot more time in bed. Hopefully I will pick up soon, I hope it's not a sign that the sodium valporate is not working as I thought it was and me going back into a depressive episode. I hope it is just in response to the thing with uni.

Anyway, I will mention all this to the Pdoc on Monday when I go back for review. I have a meeting on Monday and I am hopefully being discharged from the section. Although I am on leave I feel quite vulnerable that I could just be dragged back in at any time and that I don't have control. And being as though one of my things is about control it's not a nice feeling to have. I need to feel that I have control over my life. Which is why I carry a razor in my purse. It's there, I know it's there and when I feel I want to self harm I am making that choice not to use it, thus I have some control. I tried to explain this one evening to the ward staff but this landed me in trouble and a restraint. I understand it and the Pdoc understood it also, he said he did.

That's my update for now anyway.

Hopefully I will be able to find enough stuff to write about on here now that I am out of hospital.

I find keeping a blog is like keeping a diary and is the only place I can be fully open about my thoughts and feelings.

Where Am I Now?

I have still not been discharged. But I am on leave. This post is today October 17th.

I have been on leave since Monday last week, bar one night when I was asked to stay. Big mistake. Will explain more in a minute.

First off, uni have pissed me off. All along they have been supportive saying concentrate on getting better, don't worry about the course as you can come back on it when you are better and indicating it would be fine for me to return once I was out of hospital. Then all of a sudden they emailed the hospital with a whole bunch of reasons why they thought it not be a good idea that I return this year. Some of them I understood, I expected it from the beginning when I first informed them I was in hospital. But it came so quick. The hospital knew that. And, it was why I was not discharged on Thursday as the plan was. I was asked if I would stay that night as the news had upset me and I agreed. Going back to uni this year has been my main focus in trying to get better, trying to show them that I could seek help when I needed it. By this I mean seeking out staff when I was struggling and talking to them and asking for PRN medication if I felt I needed it. And in uni giving me this news I kind of felt as what's the point! The hospital were worried I would act badly and because it was my focus wanted me to be around staff that night so I could talk to them if I needed.

So I was allowed to go home for a few hours to take my car home and pick up clothes so I could get changed the next day etc. 9pm I was back on the ward. 10pm I had to get off. So I did. I took myself off without telling anyone where I was going and over stayed my unescorted leave. I needed to be alone. I needed to be out of the place. It has a smell about it. It has a feeling. It makes me feel worse. It wasn't that settled either and so it was making me feel anxious and I couldn't think. So I needed to have time on my own. I knew the ward were getting worried when I had missed calls from them and then the security guards asked me if I was GP and I denied it. I moved to a quieter place, still within hospital grounds. After about 2 hours some staff found me. I did not want to go back to the ward and they called a security guard. I explained how I felt and that it was being on there. I tried walking away from them but they grabbed me. They were being nice to me though.

After a while one of the staff flagged down the police who were driving past. They asked me to go back and I still was saying no. So they handcuffed me. They put me in their car. I managed to get out the handcuffs and tried to get out the car by winding down the window and trying to open it from the outside but the police man grabbed on to me. By now I was feeling even worse and was getting quite angry about being dragged back to the ward so I was struggling. They dumped me back on the ward and staff took me to my room and IM'd me with medication but I was still quite irate. I had a razor on me also as I planned on self harming. I didn't tell them this but they knew as they had found the broken remnants of one. They were holding on to me as I would not give it up and while I was upset they wouldn't leave me alone. At this point they were wanting to get me transferred to PICU again and even called the local one trying to get me a bed there. Thankfully they were full and the one I was in before was too far away for transfer in the middle of the night. It all ended with the staff coming off me and staying in my room. They let me keep the razor but said I had to take it out my mouth if I wanted them to leave me alone as they didn't want me swallowing it in my sleep. So I was able to wrap it in a tissue and put it under the pillow. It ended with me falling asleep.

The next morning I was woken by staff coming in my room to get the razor. Being as though I was in a medication hangover I gave it up with no resistance. So that was on Thursday.

What has happened since then?

Even though I had been upset the night before the PDoc granted my leave and over the weekend I went to a family wedding. It was really hard. All my family know that I have been in hospital and so I had them constantly checking on me making sure I was ok and trying to talk to me about what had happened and what was happening now. I got home from the wedding drained. It didn't help my Dad got really pissed and was really annoying. The split between my parents is also bothering me quite a lot. I feel as though I am in the middle of both of them. I am living with my Mum at the moment. We have moved house and it is a lot smaller than the house we lived in with my Dad. So she has had to leave quite a lot of stuff. But he doesn't want her stuff around and so he keeps on at me to try and get my Mum to sort it out and has boxed up a load of stuff and made me bring it back. I keep getting from both of them their own takes on things and how they are coping and I know it sounds selfish but I can't cope at the moment with dealing with their problems as well as my own. The PDoc said I need to set boundaries with them, but I don't feel that I can.

What am I going to do with the next year?

Well I am going to have to claim benefits for a while. I don't hold much hope in getting a job any time soon. I feel that I am not well enough yet to do something that I hate doing as it will make me feel worse. I know that will probably receive criticism from some people but if you don't like what you read don't read it. I don't plan on being on them long. I am giving myself until Xmas to get myself sorted out with a job. I am also going to try and do some short courses while I am off over the next year. I want to do something that is going to help me with my career as I haven't exactly gone and helped it by getting sectioned. So I was thinking something like counselling skills. I will have to see what's out there.

So, I went back to the hospital today after my weekend of leave. I had to see the PDOC. We had a chat about basically everything I have written on here and diagnosis. He asked me what I thought about everything now and I said I was worried as I had been having bad thoughts over the weekend. He said he had the feeling that being in hospital made things worse for me in terms of the self harm as I have more things stopping me at home. The fact I can't lock any doors is a major factor at home. And the house is so small that I would feel weird self harming while my Mum is so close. He said he felt that if something was going to happen it would have happened by now with me. So although I felt worried he had less concerns. He spoke to me about diagnosis also.

 He said it wasn't a PD. He said there was no way I could complete a year of a Masters level course and not completely fall apart at the first hurdle. He said he would expect someone with a PD to have increased self harm and attempts when they were stressed and struggling over things such as hard essays and other bad things that happen in life. He said it hadn't happened with me. He said I had stumbled at times but had managed to get myself through it. He also said with PD the traits are there all the time where as with me they are not, they are just there when I am struggling. And on to the traits. There are not enough traits there to be able to be diagnosed with it. He said he agreed with the diagnosis of Cyclothymic disorder (basically a milder form of bi-polar) that the other PDoc had given me. The medication that I have been given for mood disorder has worked which again indicates it is a mood disorder.

I have said all along that there are traits. I have acknowledged that, but I have also said it is not a PD. I have tried to fight this, not just because of the stigma of PD but because I felt I didn't have it.

There is someone who commented on one of my posts under anonymous was quite rude over the diagnosis thing. I don't get people who go by anonymous. Why hide behind it? Anyway, that's a whole new topic and I have written enough now. I am tired and going to go to bed after being a good patient on leave and taking my range of medication. I wonder how long I will have to deal with medication for if it's something I will be on for the rest of my life. It makes me kind of worried really. But if the sodium valporate is stabilising my mood then I should be thankful for that. At the moment I need just to concentrate on that.

It Is Getting Worse.

So first off what I wanted to say about my recent stay on medical wards.

You know I wrote that post in which I talked about my dream of being in hospital when I stabbed myself. I said it wasn't my hospital but it was the staff. Well turns out it was my hospital. It was the intensive care ward. The ward in which I was on over the weekend. I have never been on that ward, never visited anyone and had no idea what it was like. Until I was there and it was the same as my dream. It goes to show my dreams do show me things. Dreams have shown me things in the past but I have never had it where I have written about it and then, bam! I have been there. Kind of weird really. Does it mean my dreams can predict the future in some weird way?

Anyway, today.

So, summoned to the hospital to see Dr T and Beth. Dr T as usual was running late. So Beth sat with me in the waiting room. She was asking me loads of questions. She basically said that last week the only thing that would have stopped me from doing what I did would have been to use the MHA then. I just said nothing would stop me. She kept going over and over things. Talking about stuff that had happened that I didn't know about. A call to the police saying there was a dead body from someones mobile phone. I don't get why they didn't call an ambulance? Why the police? If you come across what you think is a dead body, unless quite obviously dead, such as being decapitated, or just some limbs, you would call an ambulance. Even if you felt for a pulse and couldn't find one, you would still call an ambulance. I find all that weird. So much so I wonder if that was actually the way in which things panned out. I mean, this team have been known to get things wrong before.

So in with Dr T. I can't make eye contact. I can't speak. All I can say is I don't want to see anyone and I won't work with anyone. Again, they asked me to go in to hospital on a voluntary basis. I said no. As I said before, I fear hospital more than I fear death.

Dr T then told me I was feeling angry at them. No, not particularly. I just want to be left alone. I feel that their input makes me worse. I said I wanted to go alone. They said they couldn't do that as they were worried and my actions had caused a lot of concern. And, my behaviour now was causing concern.

I was asked how I felt, I said I wished it had worked, what I didn't say was because I don't want to deal with what is going off now. Everyone knows. I never wanted that. I don't want anyone knowing. They asked if I was still having thoughts and I said I was but I didn't have any plans. And here they go again with getting it wrong. They said I had attempted in the past when I didn't have plans. Well, actually no! Every attempt has been planned. I didn't have the energy to attempt to argue with them. I don't have the energy to argue with them.

Dr T asked me if I thought I was unwell. I said no. I don't feel that I am. These feelings aren't any different to what I have been feeling for a long time. So I don't think I am unwell. I don't know what they think though. I couldn't look at them in the eye and I couldn't speak really. Just the occasional one word answer and the odd nod, shake and shrug. I tried to get out of my head and from what was going on. I noticed Beth's nice shoes and her purple toes, Dr T's very unfashionable black lace up shoes with a diamond kind of print socks. The carpet was blue with a small pattern in which I thought looked like a leopard print pattern, very discreet though. It smelt of paint. It smelt of a new building. Which it was. After all it's only been open less than a year.

I declined their input. Dr T said he would see me weekly, only yesterday I was told he is discharging me. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone.

Dr T asked Beth what she thought. She said I needed a Mental Health Act Assessment. She said they had a duty of care, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah!!!!! Dr T agreed and they asked me if I would wait in reception. I said I just wanted to go home. They asked me if I would agree to the assessment and I just kind of shrugged. I don't have a choice. I don't want them turning up at my door with the police and get me on a S135. It was quite late and I think Dr T wanted to see his last clients and go home. And, he wanted to get my GP involved. So they said an assessment would be arranged for tomorrow and they would come to my house. I don't know if it will be Dr T. I don't know who it will be. They are going to try and get my GP to come also, as I think he is supposed to be the doctor that knows me. I was asked to guarantee that I would keep myself safe tonight. Again, I said I didn't have plans so it was fine.

They did the whole going in to the past thing again. Wanting to know what has gone on in my life and any significant events. I said there were none. I am not sure if those things that happened are significant enough to cause this. Why does it have to be an event that causes it. Why can't it just be the way things are. I still feel it's all very Freudian. A Psychiatrist I don't have respect for as quite frankly, he was talking rubbish. I mean, how can you take someone seriously who comes up with things like the Oedipus and Alexis Complex. Really?

I was asked if I was ok to drive. They wanted to call my Mum and I said she was out. She was, she was at meetings. I said I only lived 5 minutes away and I would be fine. I got in my car. Composed myself. Then instead of turning right to go home I turned left. I wasn't really sure where I was heading. I was going to drive around my childhood haunts. Go and walk up to my wishing tree. This is a tree that when I was a kid, my friend and I used to go to and we used to believe it had magic powers to grant wishes. It was quite a cool tree and easy to climb. I went back there a few years ago. But, I had no energy. I couldn't be bothered to walk through the rain, through the park/forest what ever it's called to go find my tree. Instead, I drove to the cemetery.

When I have been really bad and at a low point I speak out loud to my Nan. Hoping that somehow, if I am doing such a wrong thing she will somehow let me know. I decided I was going to visit her and my Grandad's grave. I haven't been in about 2 years. No one tends to go. As a family we were never one for visiting people's graves, after all only the body is there and their soul has (supposedly, if you believe religion) gone to heaven. So if you wanted to talk to them you should pray. I went to the cemetery. There were no cars in the car park. Being as though it was an area in which some of the rioting at happened (it hit my city the other night with police stations being firebombed and shops in the city centre being looted), not majorly, but I didn't want some yob seeing my car all alone and think they could just nick it or set fire to it. The latter being more likely as not the type of car you steal as it's a rust bucket and takes about an hour to get from 0-60mph. I saw another car drive in to the cemetery so it's what I did.

I drove up to the grave. I got a blanket out and as I sat down, I looked around to ensure I wasn't in earshot of anyone and talked to my Nan and a little to my Grandad. He died when I was one so I never really knew him. But my Nan, well, she was second Mum. I was there about 45minutes. I apologised and asked that if there was some form of afterlife, could she some how let me know. Then I asked if it was because what I had done was against the religion she tried to bring me up as (Catholic...dragged to church every Sunday until she died when I was 15 and I have not been back since), and was that the reason why she wasn't making herself known to me?

I don't know what I believe when it comes to the whole death thing. I would like to think re-incarnation. As after all, forever after as a dead person, is a bloody long time. And I am not sure if I like that. I mean what if you marry, they die and you re marry, and they die. If there is such thing as heaven...who are you with? Think about it? It's not exactly the best thought out plans is it?

So after that I go home. I really don't want to go home. I said to my friend earlier, if I had the money I would do a runner for a while. Hop on a plane and get out of here. Disappear for a while. But, all I have is a shit load of debt and only £60 in cash. Won't get me far or last for long will it?

I think I am going to be sectioned. I won't work with them, and I don't know if they will just let me go on my merry way. I fear hospital more than I fear death. I have already started thinking about how I can do it while I am in hospital, if they make me go in. I have hidden needles in my belongings. So, hopefully, if I am searched they won't find all of them and I have some outlet still.

My career is fucked basically also.

I came home and spoke to my Mum telling her what was going to happen tomorrow. She made jokes like asking me if she should make them all a cuppa and try and butter them up. Me, I think make them a cuppa and put chloroform in it so I can do a runner. Didn't say this out loud though.

We then got talking about my Dad. She said that this whole situation had made her realise she was always being defensive about me and my brothers and she didn't like feeling like that. I agreed. He is hard work. So I came out with it and asked if they were going to break up. She said it was looking like that. She doesn't want to lead the rest of her life feeling defensive around my Dad. I just said I had seen it coming for a long time now and was surprised she lasted this long. I do worry about my Dad though. As much as I can't stand to be around him at times and I would hate for him to be here now. I don't think he could cope on his own.

I asked if she had thought about practicalities and she said she had. I asked what would happen to the house we live in now. She said she couldn't afford to run it on her own as it's a big house and the bills are large etc. So we talked about if it remained amicable would my Dad support her still in living in the house. It's a possibility. Also, there are2 very similar houses for sale on my road already. They are only on the market for about £400,000 and so is not a good time to sell as they are worth more than that. So, maybe we could stay here and my Dad would move to one of his houses that he owns. If they do split I hope it remains amicable between them.

So that's been my day. I think tomorrow I am going to end up in hospital. I am scared.

I have one friend telling me to lie, and the other telling me she thinks it may be for the best. I have only told 2 friends. I don't want anyone else knowing.

So, if I don't blog for a while. It's cos I have been put in a straight jacket and rushed off to be drugged up and kept quiet!

I Have A Lot To Say, I'm Just Not Sure How To Say It.

I've had a week off from blogging as I was away. I missed it. I felt the need to write. Especially as the week was far from relaxing and in the end I could not wait to get home. That's not to say I hated it all. I had a nice time with my brother and his family, but my Dad ruined it for me.

There have only been two people in my life that have been able to make me regress back to a moody teenager. That's Gom and my Dad. The arguments I have with my Dad that make me want to pick something up and throw it at him. I was the same with Gom. I did used to throw things at him though, but he did it to me also. There were a few times with Gom where he would retaliate and throw something back or hit me back also. Those times I probably deserved it. But there were times where he would throw something at me (numerous occasions) or when he would hit me first, or not as what could possibly be classed self defence. Those times only happened on about 4 occasions. The first time I did call the police. I was hysterical as of what he had done and it was me that they threatened with a Section 5. It was me that had to leave the house, as Gom owned it. Gom was calm and rational with them. I wasn't. And I wasn't going to bring charges against him. It was around the time I first started self harming so I had a feeling that if the police got wind of that in their investigations then I would be made to look the irrational, crazy one with a temper and emotional issues. And, although I was scared for my safety at the time, I was more scared of losing him. I suppose that's pretty typical though.  A month or so after this happened I had a missed call and a voice mail from the police saying they had looked in to it and they would not be taking any further action and they didn't feel that I was at risk.

Anyway, that is not really relevant to where I was going with this post.

But my Dad, he infuriates me so much. He is a chauvinistic pig who believes that everyone should run round after him. He talks to people like shit and if he upsets them then it's their problem and they should not be so sensitive. If someone upsets him, even with the truth, he will go in to a mood for days on end, being really off with all family members and has a every one is against me attitude. He drives me insane. The other day I was at my brothers camp site as I stayed with them for a few nights and he was there getting everyone running around after him. Not once did he get up and get his own drink. My brother got them all for him. He told me to go get him one and my brother stood up for me saying GP is not drinking so why should she go and run around after you. I said that right also, he told me to. Not ask. He has no respect for anyone. Then he layed in to me really loudly on the campsite saying I don't do anything for him, I am lazy and I will never get a boyfriend with the attitude I had. My brother kind of layed in to him for it saying he shouldn't speak to me like that and my Dad's attitude was I shouldn't be so sensitive and I should just deal with it.

My Dad is the same with my Mum. He wont do anything. If he wants something he will get my Mum to go get it for him. All you can hear is "get me this", "get me that", "just go there and get that". It drives me mad. I believe that relationships should be equal, not so one sided. I honestly don't know why my Mum hasn't left him as if he spoke to me like that all the time then I wouldn't stick around if I was his wife.

So it came to a head this morning and he layed in to me again. I just blew up at him saying he stood need to talk as he was the most chauvinistic person I had met and he needed to have a personality transplant as he was vile. He called me childish and told me to grow up. I slammed a door and walked off. If it wasn't for the fact I was relying on them for a lift to the airport I would have buggered off for the day. And the thing is when I am angry I cry. I can't contain it. I hate people seeing me cry as worry people will see it as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is in other people but I hate people to see me cry or to know I have been crying.

I called Sam when I got back to England. I still had a 6 hour travelling time a head of me. She had called me this morning as I had accidentally called her number Friday evening. It's the first number in my phone and the phone doesn't automatically lock. So she called me to check in that everything was ok. I called her back but it went to voice mail and I left a message explaining it was a mistake and I hadn't meant to call her at 10pm on a Friday evening. I also asked her in the voicemail if she could let me know what had been said in the last week with the different services involved.

She called me back quite quickly. The first thing she said was that I sounded really pissed off and down in my message. I explained to her that I was ill (because of my not sleeping at night for the past week and also being up at about 7am every morning, an drinking most nights (actually I left the drinking bit out), I have come down with a cold, it's quite normal for me to get colds and coughs when I have periods of not sleeping and being tired, I think my immune system must be lowered), I was pissed off as of the arguments that morning and I still had a lot of travelling to do. I said I just felt like I could break down crying. I tend to get more emotional when I am tired and ill. She said I could probably do with a good cry. I said that it probably wouldn't do me any favours to be sitting in a waiting room at International Airport and just break down in tears. I said I would probably get a few weird looks. She said go off and find a quiet corner and I said I don't do crying in public. I don't really do crying. Unless it's a film, TV or something like that, or if I am angry. I started to break down a bit on the phone and had to pull my self back.

So, the reason I actually started this post was to talk about the next bit. So sorry if you have gone through all this waffle to now. But I suppose I was just building a picture.

I told Sam that I had thought a bit about the attempt that I made two weeks ago. I said to her that I didn't feel any different and I was still feeling a lot of regret that it didn't work. Which is true. I didn't tell her I am making more plans and I have a day in mind. She asked me if I could go in to a counselling session on Wednesday. I thought she was away on holiday for the next few weeks. Obviously, over the phone is not a good place to be talking about those feelings. Especially given that I was in an airport. So I am going to see her on Wednesday.

I feel as though I have so much to say, but I don't really know what to say and how to say it.

I do wish that my attempt had worked. I have said that much. But. I will do it again. I know when I will do it again also. But that kind of information is enough to get me locked up, so that wont be going any further. I wont lie to her if she asks me. I will ask her what the ramifications of me telling her if I was planning. But then not answer.

She said that what I was feeling about my day was pretty normal, as anyone would be pissed off and worn out with it all. But she said I should think about giving Crisis Team a heads up. I have been referred to them again and I have said that I would think about calling them before things got to that stage again. I have got a lot of people behind me now. But, I don't want them. I have the CPN again who has written to me saying from the end of August I will see her rather than Dr T as there is nothing else that he would do. Sam said she is going to take on the role of CCO. The CPN in the letter said that she had spoken to Sam and was apparent I was struggling at the moment. She said Dr T had made the referral to Crisis team should I need them so that they have relevant information. She has asked Sam to discuss with me what she as CPN can do and what I want her to do. But, if I did not need her or felt I couldn't use her or wanted to wait then that would be fine.

I also have the clinical psychologist working with Sam for me.

I said to Sam, in theory it's great. But I struggle to call in anyone when I should probably be calling them in. I won't talk to anyone. I even struggle to talk to Sam. What makes it easier with her is she can read my body language and tone and she knows how I am feeling. That makes it a bit easier with her when she will say, you look this are you feeling that. And usually she will be spot on and it makes it easier to discuss things. But. I know I should probably be open and honest about this next attempt. But, it's something I want to do. I don't want to be stopped. So I know, I am not going to call in anyone on it. I have all those people offering support but I can't seem to take it.

I think the only time I would possibly call on Crisis team is if I was struggling to hold on until my planned attempt date. I suppose though that that is not really what they are there for. They are there to be phone now, now when I am planning this and I should probably be stopped but I wont.

I have quite a lot of things worrying me at the moment also. That can't help really can it? I am ignoring quite big things as I can't deal with them. But they need dealing with. I need someone to take over my life for me. To organise me, There are a few pressing things that are quite urgent that need to be dealt with but I ignore it as I can't do anything about it. I can't deal with official things at the moment. It is something I could bring up with Sam. She may be able to offer me practicle advice. Although, I think I know what I need to do. And, what does it matter when I am planning on not being around to deal with it anyway.

This has turned in to a really long post so I am going to leave it there. And I am falling asleep with the lap top on my knee.

Night All...

xxx

I am so glad to be home and have my own space again. It's so nice having the house to myself. The quiet is lovely.

Still Feeling The Same

Things have not changed. I feel the same. I think about suicide all the time. It is a big part of my life at the moment. I wonder if I am feeling more stable because I have made the decision to attempt in a couple of weeks. They say that people who have made the decision who are depressed can then seem quite lighter and less depressed. Is it that maybe?

Stupid thing made me upset yesterday. Was Gom related but not directly. I saw that his parents had sold their house and from the looks of it (from my Facebook stalking while logged in to my Mum's account) they are moving on to a house boat. I felt sad (I think it was sad anyway, if not there was an emotion that I was feeling) that I wasn't part of that big lifestyle change of theirs. For the 8 years that Gom and I were together they talked to me about quite a lot of things and they valued my opinion on things as I did theirs. So this got me thinking. Why, was I not bothered about Gom getting engaged but was about his parents selling their house? That is some weird thought processes. I am not bothered about LD's relationship with Gom. She is welcome to him. What I don't like is her being a part of their family. They were my family. And, I suppose they never did anything wrong to me and I loved them like my own family. It's weird.

Had a nice moment with Vince today. He came round to mine and we just hung out watching a film. We sat there cuddling on the sofa and he kissed me on top of my head. Ok, of course we have kissed normally but that was different. That was more meaningful. He also said my hair smelt nice. I do like him but there are some reservations I have about him in that I think he may be quite immature. I haven't worked it out yet if he is immature or just is like that in a fun way? I think drunk Vince may be the answer. I think people show their true colours when they have had a drink.

He has tiny hands. I hope that isn't an indication of the size of his...

These things are important. I like him but if he is bad in the sack then there's not much hope. I am quite reserved and shy when it comes to bedroom activities. I think Gom broke down my confidence there, it may just be that I am not very good of course.

As my friend said to me earlier though, I should just have some fun. I don't need to be looking at it as "am I going to settle down with this person". I never really thought about it that way. She is right. I should just see how things progress.

I say this, but then I am still making all these plans to end it. What's the dealio there? How can I want something so bad and yet still think about relationships etc when I have already made a plan. I think it comes down to the 2 parts of me thing again. I have written about it before and about how I am at least 2 different people. I know which one of them is the stronger one and I am in agreement with them.

I don't feel as though I can speak to anyone about it either. I have been withdrawing more and more from Sam and find it really hard to be open. I think because when we first started the sessions she didn't really challenge me or ask me things. She just agreed with me or made me feel better about the way I was feeling. She would be empathetic and make me feel as though what I was feeling was normal. And it was space to talk about what I wanted. But now she is focusing more on the self harm itself and my feelings at the time etc. And that makes me uncomfortable.

So what would you do?

Maybe The Start Of Something New...

I like him. I had date number 2 tonight. I am so awkward though. I don't know how to be. I wanted to kiss him at the end. Seemingly he wanted to kiss me. I got a message from him after saying he had a great night and he wasn't sure if I liked him or not as he really wanted to kiss me but didn't wanna make it awkward for me in case I didn't like him. He is nice to hang out with and he makes me laugh and he is quite fancyable. I do quite like him.

So problems now are that

1) I have totally ran out of money now and so can't really afford to do much if anything. I don't like guys paying for me, I like to go halves on things.

2) I start placement this week. Which means a lot of hard work and very little time.

3) My scars. And at the moment the cut. It's looking infected again. I have a load of antibiotics from previous times of infection so am wondering if I should take a course of those. I don't want to end up in hospital again. Also, how do I explain to him about them? Will he believe fallen on glass coffee table? Am I kidding myself over this? Also, is now the right time for me to be going in to something new. Part of me feels it's unfair on him and on anyone when obviously I am not fully over my ex. But maybe me being ok with him being engaged means I am over him? And, the way I feel about Vince. I feel like a teenager when he texts me.

I have a couple of reservations about him. One of them being that he is the same age as me. Ideally I would like someone older. I think this is because I want to settle down soon. I want kids in the next few years. Obviously I have not had this talk with him, as we have been on 2 dates. But we have both said we like each other and we want to see each other again. So, I think there is possible potential. I don't want to end up in a relationship with someone who then says they don't want kids for another 10 years. I could see me having fallen for them and then not having kids until I am way in to my 30's. I don't want that. So what do I do if I am in that situation...stop taking the pill and not tell him? But I suppose, I don't know that much about him yet to be making those judgements, and doing that to someone would be awful!

So, could this be the start of something?

Can anyone suggest free date ideas please!

xxxx

Disappointment.

Yet again I am disappointed. I don't know why I bother.

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks. So, I thought I know, it's summer it will be nice to have a BBQ and have my friends over. I was thinking about others in that I didn't want people to spend loads of money and I don't have money so thought it would be nice. So I make a Facebook event and invite friends from Uni and friends who I have known a while. Out of about the 25 people I invited 8 people said they would come. And then, when you have people who say they will come they never do.

What bothers me is that I make an effort to go to other people's things. I have been away usually once a year for someones birthday which costs me a fortune. And it usually means re arranging other things. But it seems as though no one wants to make the effort for me. People have already arranged to be going away that weekend (when they know fully well it's my birthday and they are supposed to be my friend). Bloody hell. I sound a bit young don't I?

I know I shouldn't be upset. After all I am going to be 27. People have plans etc. But what gets me and what upsets me is I give over 6 weeks notice that I am planning on doing something. And then they go and make other plans. And, if it was another of their birthday they always change their plans etc to fit in around. It's not like I am asking much. Bring a bottle of wine and maybe about 10quid in taxis. £15. It's not exactly the £100 and more that it costs to go somewhere for the night. I feel quite let down by them.

Any way. Because I always end up getting upset by my birthday, hence why I made sure I was away for it last year, I have decided to cancel what I had planned and have asked my brothers and my mum if we can go out for a meal together. But I am not even sure if my brother will as he is moving house the next day.

Not family related but what is it with friends. I thought I was a nice person. I thought I was a good friend. I do good things for other people. I know it's childish but I can't help but be upset by it.

I am more upset by this than I am by finding out Gom was planning his wedding to LD. Either that says I am closer at getting over Gom or I am being childish about this whole thing with friends.

One Husky Mama

Gom is engaged. I found out last night. How do I feel? Well I saw it coming. I'll write more about this but first what led up to me finding out.

I went out last night with uni girls. Decent bars and lots of men. We ended up in my favourite club as it is an Indie Disco type place. Brilliant. I never get to go there as my normal friends don't like it. I love it. And it's always full of really hot men. Anyway, so we were there. I met a few nice men. I sat with a couple outside while I was having a cig and went on to tell them that as there was such a big age difference between him and his brother, he was 40 his brother was 23, and the other siblings were around the same age that he was probably an accident. Yeah. I have a way with the guys don't I? I was only joking with him and he did find it quite amusing. They brought me a drink also.

So, back downstairs and I meet another guy, we talked, we kissed and we had a drink. I don't really remember what happened to him. I don't know if I decided I'd had enough, or if I went to the loo and got distracted on the way back. More dancing with the girls and I meet another guy. I quite liked him. We danced, we kissed, we drank. We left the club went to the bar next door as I thought it would be quieter. He kept asking me to go home with him but I said no. I was a good girl. Also, he was really pissed. And I seemed to be the one who was the one in control. If it was the other way around and I had have been not really knowing what I am doing the bloke would have been seen to be possibly taking advantage of a pissed girl. So, I said we would go to the 24hour place and get soft drinks and woop his ass at pool. As we were queuing to go in he grabbed a guy who was already in there. It turned out to be Gom's ex best mate. My friends boyfriend, Jack.

Turns out he was out in a group with him. Then I got chatting to his mates and they said they were going back to Jack's flat which is a penthouse flat and did I wanna go back with them. At this point the guy I was with had gone and I said why not. I knew Jack and so thought his mates would be ok. It was as we were walking back that we were talking and found out that one of the guys knew Gom quite well and he was telling me how he was all busy planning his wedding. I was like, what? He's engaged. And the guy was like you didn't know?

We walked back holding hands but that was it. He was well fit, but he had a live in girlfriend. He kept trying it on but I was having none of it. I said to him that if I was her and he was my bloke I would  be upset by his behaviour. He then went on to tell me about his online girlfriend in Denmark also. Nice guy!

So how am I feeling about all of this. Surprisingly ok. I am going to sound like a bitch now. But...

She is nothing compared to me. I don't like to blow my own trumpet but I am pretty. Ok, overweight but I can change that and I am doing. I have a big personality and know what I want and what I don't. I have aspirations in life and I am doing a Masters so that I can get a meaningful job and do something with my life. I am good fun. People say I am fun to be around and interesting. Now compare this to someone who is not that good looking. As I said before she looks as though there is something not quite right with her. I think she may also be a bit on the podgy side. So I win on looks! Lol. Ok I am a bitch but I am not going to stop.

From what people have said about her she is dull and boring. She has nothing about her and her favourite topic of conversation is what goes on in the City Centre shopping mall's car park. She doesn't have a job that is going anywhere and from what people have said has no aspirations to do anything else. Jack was really slagging her off last night saying how boring she is and he is considering dumping Gom as a friend as he really can't stand LD.

Now the way I feel is. I am not that person. I don't want to be that person and I will never be that person. If that is what Gom wants then we were obviously best off out of it. If that is what is making him happy then let him have it. If she had been drop dead gorgeous and my other friends liked her and she was a different person then I would feel differently. If, she was like me I would feel differently. But she is the total opposite to me.

Ok, I am not with anyone at the moment. But, as you can see from what I have written I am having a whole heap of fun. I spent most of my 20's with Gom. I am enjoying the rest.

Jack was saying last night that I was looking good. He could tell I had lost weight. When Gom and I broke up I was around 19stone. Just not being with him made me lose weight without even trying that much. Jack's friend seemed to think so also. They said they couldn't believe I was with Gom for so long as I am fun, and they couldn't picture us together.

I wasn't supposed to find out Gom was engaged. Gom had told Jack he couldn't even tell his girlfriend Neve incase she told me. Why would he even be bothered? I find it odd. Forget about me and move on.

If I was him and happy with someone else; like he must be if he is getting married to her, then I wouldn't think about his feelings. Why wouldn't he want me to find out? Weird. Or am I just reading too much in to it... please if you have read this far would you comment your thoughts on this.

So I am a husky thing at the moment. I have lost my voice. It's so weird. The past couple of days I was in agony with my throat as of the operation. I think they bruised my throat with the tubes or something. I have been in so much pain with it that I have been in tears. Every time I swallowed it was like someone stabbed me in the neck. The pain isn't as bad now, but I have lost my voice. I have never lost my voice before so I am finding it quite amusing. I was having the piss taken out of me last night.

I had a really good night last night. Even hearing about the engagement didn't ruin it. I am a little upset, who wouldn't be, but I know I am better than her! I really am a bitch aren't I. I sort of feel if that is what he wants and that is what makes him happy I deserve better.

Please comment on this as I would love to hear other peoples views on this!

High Blood Pressure.

I had to go get my BP checked today as I am taking the pill for PCOS. It was not good. 166/105. Too high. Much too high. I don't understand it. I think it's the situation I am in and getting false results. When I have been in hospital my BP has always been pretty average at around 115/70. Yet when I go to get it checked specifically I am getting high results.

I am quite worried about it as the pill works. That combined with the Metformin XR. It seems to be controlling it and I am happy with the way it works and I have the bonus of contraception. OK. I am not in a relationship. But I have been known to have been a little silly and have one night stands. Have one night stands and not use protection. I know stupid. I have been checked for STI's though and all is ok. I don't make a habit of ONS'. While travelling there were 3. One (I think) of whom was unprotected. I am almost sure I used protection with the other 2. With the last guy I def did as he went out to get them. But the first guy I have  a vague recollection of using a plastic bag to pick up the condom after. But there was only one and I think we did it more than once. And. Latin American guys do not live up to their reputation of being good lovers.

Anyway. By the by I got checked when I got back and I am ok on the STI front.

But, it does worry me. I have done it before. Will I do it again. I know there is the morning after pill but I don't wanna do the walk of shame. I don't plan on having unprotected sex in the near future. But I like being on the pill. I really don't want to come off it. So I am worrying about it now. I don't want the coil again as there is no way I can go through that pain again. And. It made me really heavy. I like how the pill works.

I am thinking about asking my Doc for some diet pills on prescription. I want to lose weight and I know that being over weight does not help the symptoms of PCOS. Also it is one of those things that get me down also. I have written about it before. On a good note though...I have lost around 10kg, or about a stone and a half in the last year without even trying. I can't afford to join a gym. And I don't have time. I also get bored really quickly. I would like to start playing badminton again but I can't while I have the needle in my arm as it bloody hurts. I have 2 friends who will do it with me so means I can play 2x a week. I have tried so many times to lose weight before and I have failed or I have put it back on. I have tried weight watchers and slimming world but I lose motivation really quickly.

I was thinking next time I go I would ask him if I could have some pills or something. I'll try and argue my point by saying I know it's expensive now but surly in the long run it may be better for me and will save costs. Depends if my surgery subscribe to the same spend money now save it later theory that I do.

Mentally. I am still pretty much the same. I was wondering if the way I was could impact my BP. I mentioned it to the nurse and she didn't really say much. I tried to explain that I wasn't feeling anxious. I don't know how to describe it. I was sort of hoping she would make me see the doc today and I could get me some benzos see if that would bring me down a bit. I hope it's just a matter of snapping out of it all of a sudden should I take some magic wonder drug. I like medication. You can probably tell. I have written about it before. If I can take medication, it's medical therefore I can stop blaming myself or I can attribute it to other things that are not behavioural.

I think I have decided to go down the Adults route. I was speaking to a Social Worker today on the phone. I was talking to her about my choices and that I was currently on placement. We then had a lengthy discussion on how the eligibility criteria of providing care is being raised in all councils. Currently the law states that if I person is assessed as needing and eligible for a service the local authority has to provide it. We were saying about how a people are not getting worse and worse before they meet the criteria. Also how people who previously met it and were receiving services are now having their services withdrawn as the eligibility criteria is rising and so they are now longer eligible. That's the government for you.

I think I have decided I am going to vote Labour come May 5th. Not that it will change national government but it will impact on what group run the local council. I have always seen myself until recently as being quite a Conservative person. But. I think I was led by my parents and what they said. For them being wealthy business people it is better for them. But for me now, not just in what I am going in to but because I have seen how the cuts are drastically effecting people, I think Labour would be better. But. I do have concerns around it as I wonder if a different government would have got in to do much debt and have let the bankers continue as they were?

Enough politics, as I don't really know what the hell I am going on about.

I've got a nice massage, manicure and facial booked in for the same day as my appointment with Dr T. Sam is coming with me to the appointment with him. I don't really know what to say about how things have been. As, in a way I am feeling not as depressed. I am happier. But I am niggled by people's comments saying it's mania, hypomania etc. I know things aren't quite right at the moment. I want my concentration back. In a way I would rather be lower in mood and be able to concentrate and focus and not have a kabillion (yeah I know it's a made up number but it's bigger than a million and a billion and no it's not a trillion) thoughts going through my head at the same time. OK when I think a hell of a lot more, well, it's all the time nearly, of suicide. That worries me. Am I likely to act on it. Also I have it where I am having the suicidal thoughts but they are coming in at a kabillion mph. What happens when I can't control it. I think maybe, I am not sure if I am just low I have more control. Things are slow. When I am like this I don't have control. It does scare me as I am worried I will flip from being hyper to being massively suicidal. So what is for the best really?????

Help!!!!!

Amphetamines

I saw Sam today. She said I was acting like I was on amphets. I have never taken them to know what it's like but she said I was in a way odd.

I suppose I do feel a bit speeded up. I just explained to her how I have been feeling like this since Sunday. No reason why. I said I don't feel anxious but thoughts are racing and a different thought keeps just popping in to my head before I have dealt with the last one. I said though that at least it meant I was productive. I was managing to get quite a lot of work done. While it makes me mentally tired as I can't relax, I don't feel that tired considering I have had little sleep. I am struggling to relax. When she asked what I could do what may help I jokingly said "take some diazepam". She then went on to say it may be a good idea if I could book an appointment with my GP and get something to calm me down a little. But. I don't really want to calm down. This beats being so low and depressed that I can't do anything. OK. The lack of sleep sucks. But I don't feel that tired. I miss sleep as it is something I enjoy. My favourite place in the world is bed.

I spoke to her about my paranoid thoughts. Not in detail but one about hospitalisation. I didn't say that the first thing I think when I see a police car or an ambulance is that it is for me and they are following me and I then really struggle to rationalise. I am also paranoid that people are following me, gathering evidence of my mentalness so they can lock me up. I know writing this sounds stupid. I really struggle to rationalise with myself and it gets me down.

I thought it was kind of odd that I was feeling like this as nothing had triggered it. Most of the times that this has happened I have had something that has triggered it. The worst I have been was just after the break up with Gom. I was working on the psych wards and I was having these paranoid thoughts that I was a patient and the doctors were really observing me. I went straight to my GP that night for some diazepam. It slowed me down a bit but not massively. Also I suppose I didn't really take it properly. I was only given a couple of days supply and I only took one pill and I saved the rest for the long haul flight to Asia I was making only a few weeks later.

I know Monday was a shit day with My Cat having to be put to sleep. I was really upset by it. And also I had an email conversation with Gom. I have not spoken to him in a year. But surprisingly I cared about how he felt in it all. That was once I had made sure he hadn't chosen the cheaper option and there could have been treatment. And that he had actually put some thought and effort in to where he buryed him. And that I knew he was upset and it came across in his emails. I got more emotion from him in those emails than I think I ever did when we were together. I don't know if it's me getting over it (the relationship) now and being able to move on that has let me deal with it quite rationally. Although saying that I was having stupid thoughts and ponderings about what if's. Like what if he wants to get back together? What if he wants to meet up? Should I? I know stupid. I know I shouldn't go anywhere near him. I am making sure I don't contact him first about anything. I have any need to. It kicked off a lot of feelings in a way. But I think I have been able to deal with them. I think it's just the ease of being with him. You know. He knows about the self harm (although obs not recently and how bad it has been), he knows about my being slightly mentally interesting. OK. He was a crap support but, it was easy!

And, I feel with him he knows. It would mean I don't need to explain the self harm and everything about me from the start to some new guy. I think that is what makes me have these thoughts. The thought of having to tell a new guy I self harm(ed) and how bad I have been at times makes me not want to bother. What if I really like someone, I tell them and they decide they don't want to know. OK. That person is not worth being with and not worth my time but I would have already fallen for them by the time it takes me to tell him. I am not telling someone from the offset I self harm and have other problems....like  "hi, I'm golden, your cute, by the way I self harm". It's a lot of the reason about why I don't want to be with anyone at the moment. I don't have the effort to be putting in to a new relationship and I am not ready to share all this with anyone. I don't want to meet anyone while I am going through all this shit. It's not fair on them and I don't think I could handle the pressures of a new relationship. I am quite happy being single.

The only times it bothers me are on Sunday afternoons when the parents are getting pissed and I don't like it when they drink as they both get very very annoying and one can become quite abusive. Also, I want to go to gigs. My friends don't like gigs. I want to go on holidays or mini breaks. I don't want to go with my friends as they are not exactly fans of culture. Or their idea of a mini break consists of a night in a travelodge and a night out in the city. I don't miss the sex. I suppose I am not really a sexual person. But I do miss the closeness of someone. I used to love putting my head on Goms bare chest (luckily he did not have much hair above the waist...below was a different matter), or I used to lift his shirt up and just sit with my hand on his stomach for that skin to skin contact. I do miss that. He had nice soft skin and he had a nice smell also.

But other than that I quite like being single. I suppose all my adult life until a year ago I was with someone.

I wish I could relax. I wouldn't mind so much being like this if I lived on my own and I could potter around the house but my parents are in bed now so I have to be careful about how much noise I make. So it can get boring sitting in my room wanting to do something as I can't sit still and relax and I can't as I have to be quiet.

I think it's pretty obvious that the Quetiapine isn't really doing it's job! Grrrrr

Letter to Gom's Mum.

Dear Anne,

My mum said she bumped in to you today Anne and she said that you said you missed me. I want you to know the feeling is mutual. I miss you all so much and I saw you as my own family. It was so sweet what you said about wanting to give me a hug. Especially as in the 9 years I knew you we only ever hugged once. That was on that horrible Saturday that Gom threw me out. I feel that I haven't just lost my best friend that I had in Gom but also 3 other members of my family.

I have been thinking about you quite a bit recently. Sounds stupid but I wonder if Meg your dog is still alive as she was getting on a bit. I wonder how Charles' (Gom's Dad) Dad is. I liked him. He was a sweet old man. Really thoughtful. I have also thought of your mum of course. I wonder how she is, and if she is happy now Gom and I are no longer together. She never liked me and Gom told me how she gave him some money once I had moved out.

My mum said that you said how you hoped you would bump in to me. I sort of feel the same. I don't really want to get in contact as I think it would upset me and I haven't been in contact with you since May when I found out that Gom was now going out with someone else. I didn't want it to seem as though I was fishing for info or trying to get at Gom in another way. I feel bad for not keeping in contact more, but then I suppose it's normal isn't it when a relationship breaks down. I don't know what I would say to you if I saw you. I have been in your area quite a bit through my placement over the past few days. I keep an eye out for you when I am driving around. I went in to Morrisons today in my lunch break but I didn't see anyone I know. I suppose it's unlikely I'd bump in to you as I think in all the years we lived only a mile away from each other we only ever bumped in to each other once in the supermarket.

I really miss Sundays and coming to yours for dinner. It was a nice family thing and I liked the way we would moan at our men being the same...like father like son.

I miss Charles also. He always made me laugh. I liked the way that Gom and him bonded over football and stuff like decorating and car stuff.

How is Martine. I know I deleted her on Facebook. It was nothing she had done but I didn't want constant reminders about Gom and seeing photos of him and another girl was just not healthy for me. Where is she working now? How did she do in her PGCE?  I never actually said anything to Gom, but I also envied the relationship you had with Martine. I wish I had the same relationship with my mum.

I loved the way you always included me when it came to things like Christmas. I felt so relaxed at yours and coming round to visit was never a chore. I actually used to suggest it to Gom in the week when we were thinking of something to do and I used to suggest coming to yours.

I know that you must know of some of the problems I had with my Mental Health as Gom would have told you. I know that you know that I had problems. I think I am finally getting to the route of them now. I know I never talked about them with you but I know you knew. I don't think you know the extent of them but I wont go in to details and I wont tell you about what has happened since Gom and I broke up. It's not fair, you don't want to hear it so I wont tell you.

So I started my Masters course in September. It's going well. Really hard work and I am so skint all the time as the bursary doesn't go very far. When they said full time they weren't joking. My Psychology degree was supposed to be full time but I was in 6 hours a week and never did work for the lectures. This is full time and some. So I am still living with the parents who drive me insane, but I am so busy I spend a lot of time in my room reading for uni. At the moment I am on placement so I am spending my evenings working on work stuff. I have spent most of tonight trying to find a house for a client so I have been emailing about that. It's hard work but I am really enjoying it. I can really get my teeth stuck in to it. I am a little worried about it being too much and me not being able to turn off. I know I shouldn't be looking up houses for her in my own time but it saves me doing it tomorrow so I can actually concentrate on other clients and getting things sorted for this one.

As you know I went travelling for 3 months. It was amazing. It was a bit scary being in Bangkok when there were riots going off but I managed to avoid most the trouble. I left on the morning of the worst riots where loads of people were killed. It all over spilled on to the road I was staying on. It would have been quite scary. I had an amazing time and I did not want to come home. I actually considered getting a job out there and staying a bit longer. But as it happens I suppose I was quite lucky coming home when I did. Not sure if you know but I ended up in hospital about 2 weeks after getting back and I was in for nearly 2 weeks. I fell off a motorbike (although my parents and family think push bike) and smashed my knee up pretty badly. 3 months later (yeah in true Mental101 style I did it on my 2nd day in to the trip) it hadn't healed, was really infected and I was really ill. The infection spread to my blood. Was a horrible few days that was. But the best diet in the world.

Any way. There is not much else left to say.

I really miss you guys and wish there was someway that we could keep in contact without it being weird as of Gom.

Love you.

xxxxx

Why Do We Do The Things We Do?

So why do we do the things we do? I keep asking myself the same question. I do stuff that I know will upset me yet you can't help but do it. I blame the internet. The things I have been doing

1) Facebooking Gom - I don't know why I look as his profile is private. But he has a picture on there from 5 years ago that I took. I deleted it on facebook as on my albums but still shows on his. I don't know why I keep looking.

2) Facebooking LD - Gom's new live in girlfriend. Again her profile is private. She has the most unflattering profile picture and looks a right mupet. But it's in the front room of the house I shared with Gom.

3) Looking up Gom on eBay and seeing what he has been buying. And then getting more upset when can see that he has been buying things for LD.

Why do I do it. I ask my friend Neve who happens to be Gom's mates now ex things about her as they used to do things as couples. She tells me stuff about them, stuff I don't wanna hear but stuff that I ask anyway.

Anyone got any idea on why we (or is it just me) does these things when we know they will upset us?

Please comment with your answers!!!!!

I've decided I am going to keep this one going and update it with the silly things I do that can make things worse. You know, types of things that make you wonder why you have done it....

So another one
A) Having an exam. Then looking back at your revision notes to see where you went wrong. It's too late. There is nothing you can do about it so why do you bother? I did this after a seen exam. So I had all the answers. After the exam I went back and looked at my revised answers and pulled up where I went wrong. Got my self in to a state as there were a few areas where I had forgotten to put which law was applied to the situation. Was in a bit of a quandary for 4-6 weeks until actually got the exam mark back. Turns out I passed and did quite well with 67%. A good exam grade for me but then beat myself up that didn't get just 3% more to take it up to the next level of grading!

Letter to Gom - Pt2

I dream about you most nights. I wake up in tears having re-lived in my dreams what I went through last year. I don't know how I managed to hold it together. I did go travelling with a plan of not coming home. I was reckless. I put myself in situations that could have been dangerous to me. I got wasted on mushrooms and weed and alcohol and went swimming in a river. Raq was with me and enlisted the help of others to get me back safely. I just thought at the time, let me go. I don't care. I want to die.

It's stupid how much I still love you. There are so many things I hate about you.
You are so tight with money
You don't mind living in what resembles student accommodation

You wouldn't have the heating on when it was cold

The pants you used to wear. Old man boxers!

Having to plan meals out on a Sunday and then get really moody with me when I didn't feel like it that night.

You got angry over small things.

You are an old man who never wanted to do anything.

Routine!

Our sex life was crap.
What turned you on really freaked me out. I would try and change it so the control thing was more bondage like but what you like was just weird.

You thought wanking was ok when I was around - do you have any idea how much that used to hurt my feelings.

You never wanted to try anything new in our sex life.

I could never stay up later than you as you say you couldn't sleep knowing that I was going to bed.

You got mardy with me when I wanted to sit with my feet on sofa - having laminate flooring and a cold house anyway meant I got really cold legs all the time and needed to sit with them up. Also I was not like you. I could not sit upright and not move. I like to sprawl out.

Your lack of understanding or trying to understand about my mental health.


I am sure there are many more. There are things I loved about you also.


You made me laugh.
Our bed time routine of having a few minutes of talk with no tv nothing and going over each of our days. We would then spoon for a while and then both turn our backs to each other and get as far away as possible from each other as we both like our space when we sleep.

Your stupid little bets...how one night you bet me you would be able to sleep with a ladder from a bunk bed between us. I won. I can sleep anywhere in any situation.

Our stupid talk.

Little in jokes.

You were always quite generous with me. When it came to birthdays and xmas you weren't tight with my presents.

You got me interested in travelling

You were my best friend. I didn't just lose my boyfriend when we broke up I lost my best friend. OK I wasn't honest with you about the self harm etc. You knew when I cut but you don't know that there were over doses that were nearly everyweek. I lost your family. I loved your family as much as I loved my own. They were my family also. I was with you such a long time. I miss your family so much. I lost my cat. You brought my him when I overdosed for the first time. The first time that was serious and with intent to die anyway. I called him my suicide cat. I couldn't take him with me as he was a bit violent towards other animals. But he was a big softy with humans. He was a stroking whore and would go to anyone who would stroke him. He would run to the door when it went to see who was there and he would meet you like a dog does when you come home from work. He used to beg for food also. He was a strange cat and I miss him like mad.

It's quite hard for me knowing you have moved LD in now. I chose that house with you. I helped you make all the changes we made. It was my home. I hated the way you always used to say things like it's my house, OK, you owned it but it was my home also. I lost everything in such a short space of time.

I don't think you will ever have any idea in to how much you hurt me.

Remember when we were in Australia. We both used to have dreams that we were back home and we used to wake up relieved that we were still in Australia. Well, I have dreams like that now. I dream we get back together. In the dream I know it is wrong and I wake up relieved that it's not true.

I would like to ask you why you tried to stay in contact with me. Why did you give me money for my birthday when you were with LD. You sent me pointless emails and things up until recently about small things that I couldn't care less about or asking me something. I would like to think you were wanting to stay in touch some how. Testing the waters. I have been really strong this time. I am not going to chase you anymore. The amount of times we broke up and I kept forcing the issue and we would end up getting back together. I wonder if I hadn't have done if things would have changed about how I feel now.

I know we shouldn't be together. I know we were not right as a couple. I am too bolshy and outgoing where as you prefer the quiet life. Also you couldn't handle the mental health problems could you. You didn't understand. You never really tried to either.

I went from being a child to being an adult while I was with you. I have a lot to thank you for. I genuinally do. But I have a lot to resent you for. I don't think these feelings will go anytime soon either. I am sorry for the hurt I caused you. I am sorry that we lost each other. In a way I am sorry we met.

I think you will always have a place in my heart though. As much as I hate you at the moment I think a small part of me will always love you.

xxxx

Letter to Gom.

Dear Gom,

This month has been a year since we officially broke up for the last time. It has also been 10 months since I last saw you and about 10 weeks since you last sent me any correspondence. I thought writing you a letter would be therapeutic. Lets see shall we? You always said you hated that I wasn't honest with you so here we go!

I've done a lot since we broke up. I've travelled around Asia on my own, I suppose I do have you to thank for the love of travel as without you I would have never travelled. I fell off a motorbike while in Asia and 3 months later after getting home winded up in hospital as of the infection. I went on holiday with the family. The one that you were also invited on when it was all being arranged. You said you didn't want to go at the time. I understood why and I said I wouldn't go either. However, due to being ill from the infection I was coerced in to it as didn't really have any excuses as to why not. I started uni. I am finally going somewhere career wise and I know what I want to do and I am doing what I need to do to get me there.

Also though, my mental health problems have come back. The self harming is at it's worst. I suppose there is nothing holding me back. When we were together you used to get so angry at me for cutting and you used to know when I was going to do it, sometimes even before I did. Where as now, I don't have to show anyone my legs. I don't know if the depression returning and the self harm being at it's worst is related to our break up. I can't see that it can be really as we broke up last February and it only really started in September. Ok there were a few incidents after the break up but they were usually related to too much alcohol. I think the worst back then was when I had drank far too much one evening and then I had an impulsive moment where I ligated. I can't remember much about it. I vaguely remember leaving the bar and going up an alley way. I found a bungie cord and wrapped it around my neck. I must have passed out as I came around in the resus area at the hospital. I was pinned to a board and had one of those collars on me. They said I had tried to hang my self and then told me what with. I told them I was fine and that I hadn't tried to hang myself. I even denied the ligating. I am a crap liar though and my face gave it away as had loads of broken capillaries and I had bruising and rope burn where the cord had been. I look back on that incident now and kinda wished that had have killed me. I would have been dead if no one would have found me. I remember something about my sats being at 70%. Quite an easy way really as I would have just fallen asleep and never have known any better. They tried restraining me to the board as they said they were worried about my neck. I said ok but as soon as their backs were turned I had pulled every thing off and tried to do a runner. That got me a security escort. I suppose that was the closest I came really.

So how we broke up. It really messed me up. I suppose it would do to anyone. We were together 8 years. 8 and a half to be precise. I know we weren't without our problems and we had broken up so many times before and got back together. This time I didn't think it would be any different. It kind of came out the blue back in September 2009 when you said you wanted to break up as only a couple of weeks earlier we were talking of getting married. However, as things progressed I decided what we needed was a break. So I booked to go travelling. I honestly thought that I would go and when I came back it would be enough time a part and we would get back together. We had a lot of break ups where we got back together and I just thought this one would be the same. To humour you I said I would move out when I went travelling. Thinking oh yeah, he'll soon miss me and when I get back we'll be back living together. You went really weird on me. You kept shouting at me for no reason and you hit me and were quite violent with me on a couple of occasions. You had been in the past but usually I had instigated the violence so I suppose when you hit me I had asked for it. I don't condone domestic violence at all. I know I lost my temper with you on so many occasions and threw things at you and swung out at you. So on these occasions when you retaliated I couldn't blame you. Yet there were occasions where you were the one who started.

The first time was waaay back in 2006. We had been drinking and arguing but then you got really scary. I called the police as you were really scaring me. I hid in the spare room under the bed and you came in and dragged me out and started pushing me around. I was screaming at you to stop. I managed to get the door closed and locked on you and called the police. By the time they got there you were cool as a cucumber and I was in hysterics in the spare room bundled in a duvet. The police woman came in to the room and tried calming me down. They asked what happened and I explained. They said as it was your house and I didn't want you arrested ( I know thinking about this now seems stupid, why call the police if you don't want anything done. But you had calmed down and I thought that it could ruin our relationship if I got you arrested) one of us had to leave the house as they couldn't leave us together if it was a domestic violence call. Being as though you owned the house I was the one who had to go. So I went and stayed at a friends house.
A few weeks after the incident I got a voicemail left from the police on my phone saying they have looked in to my complaint and wont be taking it further as they didn't feel I was risk of anymore violence from you.

That was the first time it happened where I had not really done anything to provoke you. You did used to get angry and throw things when you were angry, sometimes at me also but it usually missed as I moved quick enough.

The next time was just before we ended in Feb. There was a period of about 10 days where there were a few incidents.

The first was when you pushed me and I went flying across the living room as I jokingly told you to move out the fucking way in a jokey sarcastic tone which you thought I was being serious. You shouted at me and then pushed me really hard.

 The second in this cycle where I was watching tv 2 rooms away and I could never hear you when you shouted from another room anyway. It used to annoy you but I can't help being deaf. You were shouting at me to help you with something. I was having a hard time of it over the past few days and was having low mood and grrr for no reason. When I heard you you started going mad at me as you had paint on your hands and you wanted me to squeeze some fairy up liquid in to your hands to wash them as you didn't want to get paint on the bottle. The way you asked me and the way I was feeling resulted in me having a bit of a strop and squeezing it really hard making loads come out. You then called me a stupid fucking bitch and as I walked behind you you elbowed me really hard in the stomach winding me. I was really shocked and upset and my response was to clout you round the head. So you chased after me then punched me twice really hard, as hard as you could in my shoulder blades. It meant I couldn't lift my arm properly and had to call in sick at work as I wouldn't have been able to restrain. I lay in bed that morning crying as of the hurtful things you said to me. You said I was being lazy and it was that I didn't want to go to work. You then abused me loads more.

The third was when you chased me again as I was running away from you up the stairs as you had swung out at me and you threw something at me as I was running up the stairs.

There were more occasions also where you threw things at me. I did consider going to the police after we broke up. But we had broken up and I thought it would have been more out of spite than anything. But at the same time if you could lose your temper like that with me maybe you would with future girlfriends. Maybe I should have done so something about you having done it in the past. But I always thought, who will believe me. I have mental health problems. Who will believe me they will think I am just doing it out of spite. Part of it would have been. Well most of it would have been but in the end I didn't.

So the break up. You had been acting really weird. You had been out the night before and it took you ages before you came to bed. The next morning you were carrying your phone around with you everywhere which was not like you. Your friends and family used to contact me to get hold of you. I knew something was going on. When you went in the shower you left your phone and I picked it up and looked at the messages. You had been in contact with a girl and you were arranging to meet her that night. You had told me you were going out with a friend. You had even asked me to give you a lift to go and play pool. I asked you who she was and you said no one. We started arguing and I said you could at least have the decency to wait until I went away before you started seeing other people.You responded with you are a fucking bitch, I hate you, I don't want you living here so if you don't like it fuck off somewhere else as you are not wanted here.

 I stormed out the house with his phone in my hand still. I drove around aimlessly for a bit and looked at your phone and gathered that you were arranging to meet her that night. You kept calling me and calling me on my mobile. I went to my parents and was sobbing on her shoulder. I hacked your facebook and hotmail and found that there was a few girls you were emailing and keeping in contact with. This one girl you were meeting that night you had spun a web of lies telling her things like we owned the house together and you were in the process of buying me out, that we were in separate rooms and a load of other stuff I couldn't really understand why you had said. I hacked your paypal account and transferred the savings I had put in your account for safe keeping back to me as I was worried you may not give them to me.

That night when you got in I asked you if you were still going to play pool with your friend. You said yes. I then said I knew where you were really going and if you were still going to go. You still said yes. So I told you if you went do not even think about coming back to the house. You went. That was on the Wednesday I didn't see you until the Saturday. I don't know where you were and I hadn't even heard from you. On the Saturday we had another argument. You got really spiteful and pushed me around a bit. I said I couldn't bare to be around you and then you kept going on how it was your house and that I should get out. In the end you asked if you could borrow my phone to call your mum to come get you. I still hadn't given you yours back. Why should I when you were arranging dates and stuff. I disconnected the land line also. So you called your mum.

Next thing I know you both storm in to the bedroom. I was in bed watching tv and you are with your mum with a load of boxes saying get out. Get some stuff together and get out. You said you couldn't be in the house alone with me as you were scared. What a load of crap. I felt like a psych patient. You both stood there watching me while I tried to put a few bits together. It was horrible. I said i needed to get changed and you both just stood there. I had to ask you to leave the room so I could get dressed. It was mortifying. I really did feel like a psychiatric patient. You made me feel so small. You really did make me question my own sanity. I wanted to speak you alone but you wouldn't send your mum away. As I went downstairs your mum said she was really sorry things worked out the way they had. She said how the family loved me and I said I loved all of them and she gave me a hug. I got changed and jumped in the car. I drove down to the river. Loads of thoughts were going through my mind and I didn't know what to do. I really wanted to talk to you. I was also thinking of just driving the car in to the river.

I called my brother but he wasn't available. I called my friend and she said go back. Get a few bits and get out of there. She knew that you could become violent and she said that I had kept going back to you time and time again and I should get some pride and stop. So I went back to the house. You had tried to lock me out by putting the key in the front door but I got in. I spoke to my brother and he said grab a few bits for the night and go stay with them until I went travelling. I knew by this point that this was it. I knew that I needed to not have you in my life anymore. You made me question my own sanity. You made me doubt myself.

I saw you a couple of times before I went travelling. One night I turned up at yours at about 4am really drunk thinking I still lived there. I had taken a few pills that night and was not quite with it. I was hallucinating and was quite out of it. You let me stay. The next morning you started telling me how I needed professional help and you thought I needed to be in psychiatric care.

I didn't really cry that much for you. I never cried in front of my friends and there was only the one occasion in front of family I cried. I was concerned about my mental health. The following week I was at work. It was on the Monday after the Saturday when it all happened. I was working on the psych assessment ward and I was having paranoia attacks. I was delusional. I was manic. Everything was going at a million miles an hour. There was no sequence to my thinking. I thought that I was a patient. I knew deep down I wasn't but I was having these thoughts. I was being paranoid that the doctors were really assessing me. I went to my GP that afternoon and said I need help. I want to be referred to psych services as I was concerned. I said I needed something to chill me out. I begged for some diazepam. I explained all that was going on and what I was feeling. The diazepam worked. It slowed things down and it brought me out of the manic state.

It was about this time I started to blood let. Not much at a time. Just more sticking a needle in to the vein and then letting it bleed. I didn't see this as self harm was wasn't serious. It was cutting that was self harm. So I went travelling and I was fine. I was happy. When I landed in Bangkok I could have cried. I never felt so free. So liberated. I hadn't cut since September. It was 6 months since I had cut. Then in May I was speaking to your sister and looking through her photos from her birthday and saw pictures of you with your arms round a girl. I knew it wasn't one of your sisters friends and had seen you became friends with her on facebook in March. I then realised this was a new girlfriend. I was so hurt. I tried getting hold of some friends back home but couldn't. I was on a night out with some girls I had met the day before on a tour so we were having a night drinking in Hue Vietnam. They could tell something wasn't right and I told them. They helped cheer me up and told me you weren't worth the upset when I had told them what had gone on in the past between us. I did cut that night. Well I started to. I was cutting and all of a sudden this thought came to me "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? DO NOT CUT OVER HIM"! So I didn't. I stopped. I wasn't going to chance getting ill as of infected wounds and even cutting over you. I cried and I cried though. They next day I felt so guilty. I was paranoid as I felt people would know what I had done with the cutting etc.

That night I was getting an over night train from Hue to Hanoi. I met this lovely guy on the train and we sat talking way in to the night drinking vodka. Nothing happened. I wouldn't tell you anyway and I am not telling you to make you jealous as I doubt you would be. But he was so nice. He reminded me not all men are dickheads. It was then I cut off all ties with you. I told you never to contact me again and I hated you. You tried calling me and calling me and sending me emails.

I was upset you had moved on so quickly. Here I was seemingly ok to other people about the break up between us and you had moved on and forgotten. Why should you be happy after how you had treated me. Why should you be able to move on and forget. I resented you. I hated you. For some stupid reason I still loved you.

I was told by a couple of different sources that your new girlfriend was VERY dull. I thought Raq was just saying that her being my friend and every thing. But when Neve told me also. She had spent quite a bit of time with you and LD (my term for looks a bit retarded - I can't exactly give her a nice name can I when she is your new bit). She said LD had nothing about her and really didn't know what you saw in her. But then you were an old man who was quite boring so you were probably quite a good match. From what I have heard it suprises me. It seems as though this girl has no ambition in life an lives for her job as shop assistant. Don't you want someone who has dreams and ambitions. Or is it just that. You like to feel as though you have the upper hand.


I saw you a couple of times before I went travelling. One night I turned up at yours at about 4am really drunk thinking I still lived there. I had taken a few pills that night and was not quite with it. I was hallucinating and was quite out of it. You let me stay. The next morning you started telling me how I needed professional help and you thought I needed to be in psychiatric care.




So the SH started in September again. Quite bad. The worst it's ever been. I don't know if it's related to you. I have seen so many different people. I have even been told being sectioned is a possibility. Seems you may have been right. You always did seem to know what was best for me. I think I should probably be in hospital. But, at the moment the threat of people finding out is enough for me to try and have some control over it. If family and friends knew then what control would I have. There would be no stopping me. I keep arguing with myself over it. My main thing is stigma. And people being aware of it and that it could affect my career chances. I tell myself and others like Mike (the psych nurse I have seen at psych medicine) and Sam (my counsellor) that if i was admitted then there would be no stopping me with the self harm. That it would get worse as I would have no reason to control it anymore as people would already know. I tell them it would send me over the edge pushing me further in. The thing is I know from having worked in psych myself that patients like me who I have worked with are the ones who end up on high obs so they can't SI. I know if I was a member of staff and we had someone like me I would ensure that they couldn't hurt themselves. It's stupid isn't it that I am even thinking of ways in which I would SH if I were to go in.
 
Anyway I will continue this on a different blog as getting rather long.
 
x