Tuesday, 29 January 2013


I stopped taking my meds last night. I didn't sleep a wink. But I think that's just withdrawal. Tonight it's a sleeping tablet and see how I get on. Only an over the counter one as I am saving the zopiclone for the future plans. Going to see if I can get some more of them when I next see CPN. I'm going to see how I get on without them as I am convinced that they don't do anything for me. How can they be when the cocktail I am on still allows me to feel like this?

I have had major anxiety and strong urges today. The urges are nothing new but I am getting really anxious and close to having full on panic attacks about this flat I am supposed to be renting out from the middle/end of February all depending on references etc.

I have worked out I need to spend at least £315 before moving in just to get the basics. That is a bed, a hanging rail, a sofa, bookcase and all the kitchen stuff I need. My TSW said I can apply for a community care grant but looking at the criteria I don't think I will fit it. Not to be put as high priority anyway. I don't know if she will put on the application that it's detrimental to my mental health that I move, but even then I don't think that will make any difference. So it looks like I am going to be completely brassic for a couple of months and not be able to leave the house/flat.

Then after that I will still need to buy a wardrobe, coffee table. lamps, bedside tables and other homely items.

Then on the other hand I don't know why I am getting in to a state as I know that I probably won't be there that long when I carry out my plans anyway.

Well, it's day one of no medication and I don't feel any different. Not that I expected to as I know it takes a while for it to get out your system. I also don't expect to sleep for the next few nights as I have come off Quetiapine. When they reduced it when I was in hospital I had insomnia for about a week of no sleep at all. But maybe these over the counters will make me drowsy and at least the night will pass quicker if I am more relaxed. I go a bit high when I have not been sleeping. Is that normal?

Monday, 28 January 2013

Still No Phone Call

Well, I still haven't had a phone call from my CPN or Dr. They could have called Friday or today and they haven't. I am quite relieved by this as I don't really want to have to go see anyone about what I have been experiencing as I don't want to end up back in hospital.

But, at the same time I think it highlights that the team aren't doing a great job. The psychologist said he was going to contact the Dr about the experiences I had been having on Friday. Maybe he hasn't been in and that is why I have not been contacted. But the psychologist seems to think I need medicating. I said that I was already on Quetiapine which is an anti-psychotic so I didn't think they would change anything and he said he still wanted to speak with the Dr anyway.

I am not bothered that they have not contacted me anyway. I am going to stop taking my meds as I don't think they actually do anything for me. I am on a mood stabiliser which although has stopped the highs (which I liked) I still get the depressions. I am on an anti-depressant, yet look at me now. And again I am on an anti-psychotic, it's not like that is doing any good for me is it. I hate taking all the meds I am on. It's like they rule my life and I can't be doing with it. Not going to say anything to anyone as again I don't want them hauling me in to hospital. But I don't think it will make much difference anyway. It might stop me sleeping 14 hours a night, feeling like a zombie the next day and eating half the daily intake of the food in China each day. I need to stop taking them. I am not going to be ruled by them.

Put application in on a flat today. I am getting closer.

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Life After Death

I've been pondering it quite a bit of late. More so the past couple of days since the appointment with the psychologist. He said to me things won't be better if you are dead and I said they would. So we had a bit of a discussion about life after death and what I believed in. He said no one knows for sure what happens when you die, and, he asked me what I thought. I said I really didn't know. I said I was brought up to believe in heaven and hell but that all changed around the time I was 15 when my Nan died and I stopped going to church. I never liked going to church and it was always a chore. I went to a good catholic school and we never learned anything other than catholic beliefs. But I am not like that now.

I said I was agnostic in that I didn't know what to believe. But I was pretty sure that I would be better off dead. If there is such thing as reincarnation I must have done something pretty bad in a past life for it to be like it is now. I don't know much, but I honestly believe that things would improve for me if I was dead. The way he keeps saying things won't improve if I am dead makes me think he has other beliefs. I don't know what they are as we never talk about him. I have been seeing him for a year now, and I know nothing about him. Our time is coming to an end soon anyway so it doesn't bother me that much, and I appreciate that there is that professional/patient line that shouldn't be crossed.

When I was on PICU for nearly 7 months it did get crossed and I had staff tell me quite a lot about their personal life's. In a way it was nice that I was being given this information as it made them seem more human. Not just someone who was paid to do a job and be there watching me 24/7. Some of the staff I spent hours and hours with so got to know them and their pasts quite well. I suppose in some way it strengthened the relationship I had with them as I felt I was able to be more open with them.

Anyway, things are still pretty much the same with me. I am still feeling the same and experiencing the same things. No phone call came on Friday from my CPN or Dr and I doubt that I will receive one from them at all regarding what I told the psychologist about the experiences of seeing things etc. I am worried that I may receive one and that they will want me to go in and have a meeting with the doctor. I don't like him which is one reason I don't want to meet with him, but also as well, I worry that if I am asked questions about what has been going on and my current state that they will want me to be in hospital. And, it's my doctor who can arrange the MHA assessment etc. So, I really don't want to see him. As awful as these experiences are I would rather go on having them than be in hospital. Being as though I don't plan on being around much longer I feel that it's not as though I am going to have to put up with them for much longer.

Thursday, 24 January 2013

What Happened With The Psychologist.

It was bad in some ways and not in others. What I expected to be bad (about the self harming) wasn't, yet there were other things that were. The first thing he said to me was that he knew about the self harm as my CPN had told him about it. He said he was glad I felt I was able to tell her. I told him I had made the decision to tell him at this appointment anyway as I felt things had gone too far. He said he suspected I was considering things were going so badly for me, yet he wanted to respect my wish not to say anything. He said part of him hoped what I said was true but he had his suspicions.

He asked me outright if I had been swallowing anything or overdosing and I couldn't tell him the truth. I do want to. I want to speak about it with him but I know if I do they will have to inform my parents as they are classed as my carers. So, I just said I had been cutting, some quite deep but not needing stitches. He said he was concerned I was looking after them on my own without seeking medical treatment and he would like someone to take a look at them. I said I didn't want that to happen. He said he was worried about them getting infected, especially as I said I didn't really care either way. And then he went on to say what the risks were if they were to become infected. So I just said how I make sure they are clean and dressed and won't become infected.

So the stuff that bothered me and found really hard to talk about.

I told him about the paranoia that I was being watched and observed. About how when I saw police cars and ambulances I have a rush of anxiety in case they are coming for me. I had talked about this before with him so that was mainly him just asking if things were like that again.

I told him how I see people at the bottom of the garden or just outside the garden peering over the fence looking at me. He asked me if it was anyone I knew, if their features were distorted and a few other things. I said no, they were perfectly normal looking people. So, he asked me how I knew they weren't just people. This kind of freaked me a bit, it's one thing thinking you see someone but to actually see someone watching you is just well? I said I knew they weren't there as after a while they just disappeared.

I also told him about how unreal objects can become real. I struggled to explain it and he asked me for an example. So I said how I have this, well I am not sure what it is, it's either a foot stool or a door stop. Anyway, it's shaped like a dog. I said sometimes it's as though it comes alive and starts moving. I said it didn't last long, a matter of seconds but it freaked me out. He said I must be really scared how all of this is happening at the moment. I had not put that much thought into what has been happening and he asked me if I thought they were hallucinations and I said yeah, I suppose they are. He asked me how often it happens and if there was anything in the room now????

 He said that usually when a person experiences what I am they are under a huge amount of stress, suffering lack of sleep etc. I said that I didn't think that I was under any unusual amount of stress and he said that carrying around the suicidal feelings and it going through my head all the time was probably really stressful and the stress of everything has just built up until it's reached boiling point. I said I had been in the situation before where I have had suicidal urges but never had anything like this before and it was really freaking me out.

I found it really hard talking about those things and left it at just that as I was finding it so hard, so I didn't speak about what happens when I wake in the night sometimes or the smells that I smell that no one else does. He said he wanted to speak to my doctor to see if we could review my medication so we can stop these things from happening. In theory it sounds good, but I don't rate my doctor that much and can't see anything happening there.

So we moved on to the suicidal feelings. He asked how I was feeling that January was coming to an end. I had originally said to him I won't do anything in January but would probably in February. He asked me whether or not I could keep myself safe tonight and I said yes. He asked how I knew that and I said it wasn't in my plan. So he said that didn't really mean a lot as I have acted on impulse before and have also done things before I had planned to do them. So I really had to convince him I wouldn't do anything. I have now pretty much decided I am not going to do anything until I have my own flat. I think I have found somewhere so I only need to hold on a matter of weeks now anyway. But I didn't tell him this as I don't want anything to happen with it. I told him how I was not coping well at all and as time goes on the self harm is becoming more frequent and I am taking more risks. As it is at the moment I am swallowing stuff 3 or 4 times a week. Again, can't tell him that though. He asked how I was taking more risks and I was a bit stumped being as though I couldn't tell him exactly so just said something about not caring if I cause myself serious damage anymore.

So, then he asked me if I thought if I needed to be in hospital. I just shook my head. He was then like I wasn't asking whether or not you wanted to, but whether you need to be. I just said no. I am not going back in to hospital. I said I couldn't go back in. I told him how everyone thought I was doing really well and I am putting on a front and I don't want to shatter their illusions. So, he asked if I thought bringing my parents into a session with him would be a good idea so we could tell them together. That was a flat out no! He asked me to think about discussing it with my parents. But, if I am honest, it's a conversation I really don't want to have. I don't want them on top of me, constantly asking if I'm ok, searching my room when I am not in it; medication has gone missing on numerous occasions, even my contraceptive pill! If they knew it would just make me more paranoid.

So again we came to the usefulness of the sessions. When I had the meeting with my CPN last week I asked what would happen when the sessions with psychologist were to finish as we only agreed up until March and she said it would be something I would need to address with him. He brought it up at the end as obviously she had said something to him about it. He asked what I felt I needed and I said at the moment I didn't know. He asked if I wanted to continue with the sessions after March and when I didn't answer he said along the lines of you can't see that far, and if you are planning to be dead it doesn't really matter anyway. He asked me what I got out of the sessions and I said I found it good to get off my chest how I was really feeling and what was going through my head as I didn't feel I could do that with anyone else. He said he keeps offering me advice but what he says doesn't do anything for me so from his side he struggles to see what benefits I am actually getting from it. He asked me what he could do or if there was anything different he could do. I told him I don't want him to sit there and just listen and say ummmm, ahhhh every two minutes, he said he couldn't refrain from adding bits in anyway as he just doesn't work in that way. I said I need him to keep telling me what to do as something has got to work and eventually we will get to it. So in the end he said we can discuss it another time as we originally decided on March as I was planning on going travelling but now I'm not, it's open to negotiation.

And that was about it. On the way out in the car park he grabbed me before I got to my car and said along the lines of I hope you do realise that we realise and acknowledge your going through a really shit time at the moment and we want to help.

So today was a really hard session. I am scared about what I told him in case the doctor thinks I need to be in hospital again. I am now anxiously waiting that phone call being summoned to see him. I am not sure if it will happen but there is always that worry.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Dreading Tomorrow

So tomorrow is the appointment with the psychologist. He is going to know I have been self harming after weeks of telling him I haven't and I have some how been coping. I am going to have to discuss the self harm. I am not going to say what it is as that will land me in trouble as it will mean my parents will have to be informed.

I am really nervous about the appointment. More so than usual. They know I am having suicidal urges and that I have even made plans but don't have an exact date. I don't know how much I can actually tell them. There is so much that I haven't said. I did mention that there is a voice that says "do it now" last time and he told me to reply to it by shouting "no". But I haven't been doing that. I haven't been able to. All I can manage is "wait".

There's other things as well. A few times I have woken in the night and felt that there is something sitting on my bed. I have been seeing things move and my mind has been playing tricks on me by turning objects in to animate things. Like someones hat earlier became a dog. I have also been having the smell of burning following me around. I will say to people can you smell that and they say no so it's only me that's getting it. There's the paranoid thinking which is full on also. I think I am being watched in my own house. That people from the hospital are staring in through the windows just to see how mad I really am and to observe me. I can't walk into the kitchen without this thought coming in to my head. It's the same when I go on my balcony. I believe that there are people hidden in the trees at the bottom of the garden watching me. I try and rationalise this. I tell myself that it's absurd, that it would be against the law (right to private family life and all that) and that they are not going to put resources in like that just for little ol' me. But even though I keep telling myself that I am being stupid and that there is no way it could happen, there is still a massive seed of doubt.

All these things are really worrying me. It's not exactly normal is it. But I don't know how much of it I can share as I don't want to end up in hospital. Also, shouldn't the meds I am on mean that this doesn't occur...a anti-psychotic (Quetiapine), a anti-depressant (lofepramine) and a mood stabiliser (depakote).

I keep having dreams that my psychiatrist, CPN, psychologist, an AMHP and my GP storm my house for a MHA. Each time in the dream I end up being sectioned. I am really worried that that is going to happen. If I am honest then it could happen. I don't want to go into hospital. I want to carry out my plan. Hospital won't help me.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Bloody Hell

I think this will probably hit home to a lot of people.

It's about how we put on a front so people don't know we are ill...


Binge Eating + Food

I can't stop it. I often get like it when I am depressed. Each day I say to myself that's it I need to control it, no food at all tomorrow. Then I wake up the next morning and the first thing I do is open the fridge.

My main diet is quite healthy. Well, it's not unhealthy. I don't usually have breakfast as I am not up in time but about a half hour getting up I will probably have boiled egg and soldiers, or a bagel and boiled egg. Then I won't snack and I'll have my evening meal which usually has lots of veg in it. It's just after that I find myself binging on crap. I hide it as well as I am quite ashamed of it.

Food has been something of a problem for me for a long time. Often with the binging. I have tried making myself throw up on numerous occasions but I can't get rid of enough of it and being sick is something I have a fear of.

Also, I do sometimes stop eating all together. When I was first sectioned in August 2011 I didn't eat for over a week. It was a control thing. I only started again because they cottoned on to what I was doing and stopped me from doing things such as smoking and stopped giving me any medication. So I would lie awake at night because I wasn't allowed a sleeper or any of my normal meds. For a while I would be able to have a sandwich in my room but this ended up down the toilet most of the time. I was then transferred to the horrible PICU where all patients sat around one table at meal times so I couldn't do that anymore.

There were also times when I was on the nice PICU where I went through stages of not eating. It was a self harm strategy when I felt I couldn't do anything else and when I felt as though everything in my life was out of my control. But at the moment I am self harming in other ways so I have not come to that yet. I can't do it at the moment. And in some ways I feel like I am such a failure because I can't. I want to be able to control it. I want to be able to not eat.

My body image is something I have not been happy with since as long as I can remember. I am not one of those people who say "I'm so fat" and are actually about a size 12. I actually wish I was a size 12. I am fat. I weigh about 16 stone and a UK size 18-20. I have tried to do things about it in the past but I have never lost more than a couple of stone before putting it back on. It doesn't help with the medication either. I am on Depakote, which, in some clinical trials has shown weight gain to be a side effect, Lofepramine (which doesn't list weight gain as a side effect) and Quetiapine, which as a anti-psychotic it is well known to cause weight gain. I am not sure if the medication helps, but if I feel like this on it, I am scared to come off it in case things become worse. I can't cope now, never mind if things were worse. Although, if I am honest I can't see how things could become much worse for me at the moment.

It's like a vicious circle for me. I don't know what causes my problems. I wonder if my weight is some of it as it does get me down and causes me to have low confidence at times. If I am unhappy I eat. If I am unhappy I starve myself. Really not a good relationship with food is it. I prefer it when I can starve myself as I feel in a way as at least I am doing something good. If I can starve myself I can lose a few pounds. I feel in control. But this is usually the thing that comes last to me when I can't do anything else. The last time I was able to do it was when I was on arms length obs on a PICU. No chance of self-harming in the ways I usually would, but at least if I did that there was some element of control.

I have never actually talked about my issues with food with anyone as there has not been anyone I have felt I could do it with. Yes, my psychologist is fantastic but he is a bloke. It's this that is also the reason I don't discuss with him how I don't want to date/go into a relationship because at one point there is going to be sex and I hate my body as it is a mass of scars. But, I have never talked about it with the female members of staff I was close to or counsellors etc. At the end of the day I am ashamed by it. I see it as a weakness in myself.

Deleting Blogs I Follow

Does anyone know how I can delete blogs I follow? I have a lot on my follow list and most of them don't even post anymore or what they write no longer interests me....why on earth I followed someone who has twins and talks about them all the time. So it's things like that really.


Kinda Crazy

I re-read my last post and have realised that I sound kind of crazy in it. Well I suppose I am at the moment aren't I?

I am managing to hide it from those around me quite well. When people ask how I am doing I manage to avoid the subject somehow by making no committal comments or changing the subject.

I keep having dreams that I have either been stabbed in the stomach, have stabbed myself in the stomach or have opened up the scar from the operation on my stomach. I am kind of obsessed with it at the moment. I mean really obsessed. I keep having it go through my mind around and around. I even stood with a knife against me the other day thinking how easy it would be and could even look like an accident (falling over while holding a knife). But what stopped me was I knew it wasn't time. I have said to my self I have to leave it until February.

I saw my OT yesterday. She was a vision of purple. Everything she wore was purple. It was mad. She even then commented on my hat and scarf because they matched. I wished I could have taken a picture of her. I was at the cinema on Saturday and there was a woman all in red which I got a picture of. I could have started some art project like women in colour or something like that.

Anyway, she asked in what way she was helping as I am not actually doing all that much at the moment. She is supposed to be supporting me in doing some activities so I am not in the house all the time. But I want to be in the house and in my room. So she said she wasn't really helping that much then and I agreed.

We also talked about what would happen when I move out of my parents. I said I had lived on my own before and when I did I was self-harming more regularly and also taking overdoses. Some as self harm some as serious attempts at my life. She asked me how I thought it would pan out me moving out again and I was honest and said I could see the same thing happening. So she said it probably wasn't a great idea that I was to move out.

I hope there's not anyway that they can stop me moving out. I suppose they could break confidentiality and tell my parents and then they would not agree to be guarantors. I suppose we will cross that bridge if it comes to it. But I suppose I should keep my mouth shut about it just in case now.

Seeing psychologist on Thursday. I am so nervous. He is going to know that I have lied to him and have been self harming. He will ask me how and I won't be able to tell him and I will get the you should be able to trust me by now speech. I don't actually know what to say to him.

Saturday, 19 January 2013

TV, Film, Radio etc

It all seems to be sending me messages. I know, weird right? But everything I seem to watch recently and it's not intended seems to involve death and suicide. For instance, I went to see Les Mis. OK, the title should have given it away but there was suicide in that. Javert jumps off the bridge to his death and I get that. I have stood many a time on my local bridge contemplating it and climbing up and only stopping when someone has asked me if I am ok (sorry if you were planning on watching the film and I just spoiled it).

Casualty tonight. It featured an anorexic girl who was told if she didn't have this particular treatment she would die. She refused it. I got it. I know what it's like to live with something and know it's not going to go away. To want to die so you don't have to fight the illness anymore.

Every time I turn the radio on it seems to be a song about death. Death is all around me and it is as though it is speaking to me.

Then what put a bit of a downer on things for me was I went to see The Impossible (well I was already feeling really shit anyway but this exasperated it). This is a film about the 2004 Boxing day Tsunami. A couple of things were I was there only a short time before the tsunami hit. A matter of a few months. The people who sold things to us on the beach and looked after us in our hotels were probably killed that day. If we hadn't have left Australia early due to funding we would have probably have been there at the time.

The film started with them arriving in paradise etc etc. And it just reminded me that I am not there. And I should be. I should have been going travelling again this year. But because of my shitty mental health I am not able to. Instead I am moving out. Which is not that bad. But I was really excited about travelling. i had brought books, planned the trip, had been reading blogs and was at the stage of booking flights near enough. I also believe it was this plan of going travelling which gave me a little hope when I was on the PICU and it got me out of hospital as it gave me a plan B. Now I don't have that.

I am even struggling to see going back to uni. I honestly don't think I will be alive then.

I have an appointment with the psychologist on Thursday and I am really nervous about it. He will know that I have not been honest with him about the self harm. He will probably wonder what kind of relationship we have that I felt that I couldn't tell him. I hope I don't get questioned on it. I know I am going to have to talk about it. In a way I want to talk about the fact that I have been self harming because I feel they should know that I am not coping as they thought I was. But it's going to be hard to bring it up.

Thursday, 17 January 2013

Meeting With The CPN

It ended up coming out. Not everything. But some. I went to see her this morning and it started off quite normally. She was telling me about the Case Conference they had about me last week and what the outcomes were of that. No change there. Keep working with OT, Psychology, CPN, Social Inclusion, Tenancy Support and the Psychiatrist will see me if the CPN thinks I need to about medication. I asked her what would happen after March as was only agreed Psychologist would only see me until then and she said I needed to bring it up with him as was something that was on my mind and there could possibly be some flexibility there. I doubt he will continue to see me though.

She asked how I had been coping with these suicidal urges and how I had been getting through and I just replied using my now catchphrase "I don't know". She asked about the self harm and I said I hadn't. But I went bright red and quiet. So she said a long the lines of that they can only work with what I am telling them and it isn't useful for anyone if I am keeping things from them. I said that I was worried that they would break my confidentiality and inform my parents if I disclosed anything. She went through the spiel again of when and when they wouldn't inform them then asked me again if I had been doing anything. I admitted it. She asked me what and I said I didn't want to talk about it. She then went on to say that even small OD's could be life endangering as of the build up in the system and even though I had swallowed things numerous times and nothing has happened there is still a chance something could and I should know better than anyone of what it is like to have swallowed something and it perforate and make me very ill.

She said she was going to have to speak to my Psychiatrist about this as I wouldn't tell them what I had been doing and they couldn't rule out what I was doing wasn't life endangering.

So she asked me if I thought what I was doing was life endangering and I lied and said no. She asked me if it involved ingesting anything and again I lied and said no. I don't see that they need to know the particulars of the self harm. At the moment it is just self harm and not attempts on my life. When the time comes I'll give it a damn good go. Not just a handful of pills or the swallowing of sharp things. But the thing is if it does get me then that's just a bonus. I don't think they need to be aware of exactly what I am doing as that won't change the way they approach things with me. All they need to know is I am not coping as they thought I was and that I am self harming in someway as a coping mechanism.

I felt like I had been dragged before the head teacher who was contemplating phoning home to inform the parents I had misbehaved. Although that never happened to me. Not in secondary school just primary. The head teacher in primary was a cow bag and she disliked my whole family as my Nan was a governor and they didn't agree on a lot of things. One thing I got brought in front of the head for was selling diaries to the other kids for 50p each. I was 10, I was using my entrepreneur skills. I should have been rewarded for it not told off. But that's by the by.

But today didn't go that great really. I was asked what I thought they could do for me and I honestly don't know what they could do for me. I have given up on the mindfulness now. I did give it a good shot and was practising even when I didn't need it. Couldn't get it right even then never mind come to when I actually need it. It's just not for me. But I gave it a go. Having given it a good go, and knowing that this is what makes up a huge part of DBT I am sure that DBT is not for me. I'll have a chat with the psychologist about this when I see him next week.

I was quite surprised I actually told the CPN some of what has been happening. I was going to tell the psychologist (not details again), I think maybe after the last session with him he probably didn't believe me and mentioned something to CPN and she pushed it that little bit further and I broke.

I also had a meeting with the TSW today. That didn't go great either. We had to do a recovery star and so we talked about my current mental health in detail. For one I really don't feel comfortable discussing it in my own home. I don't know why this is. I always prefer appointments to be at the hospital when I see anyone but being as though tenancy support are a separate company this is not possible. Maybe I'll feel different when I am finally in my own place. Who knows. Anyway, talking about my MH in detail with someone I don't know that well is really hard. Especially as she is a TSW. She was asking me questions about self harm and what I did and I felt so uncomfortable. I just said I'd rather not talk about it. It seems for me talking about how I am feeling makes me feel worse. I want to use her as just help finding tenancy, not for my MH problems and it just makes me feel weird discussing it.

So I don't know how it's possible but I feel even worse than I had been doing today. The urges are massive. I am doing really bad things also like starting to stockpile prescription meds. I dream every night about the day I can finally do it. I also dream about having a MHA assessment forced on me. I have a plan though if this is the case.

Planning gives me some peace of mind.

Tuesday, 15 January 2013


I had a really weird dream last night that I told my psychologist about the self harm but not in detail. He turned around and said to me if you won't tell me what it is I am going to assume that it is serious self harm and therefore am going to have to inform your parents.

It sounds stupid but I don't know whether or not to take this as a sign not to say anything to him about it. I am so worried he will come to the conclusion that because I won't elaborate that I am seriously self-harming. Of course he would be correct but I am not going to tell him that.

It just seems stupid me continuing to go see him and the CPN while they think that I am coping and that although I am having these suicidal thoughts, feelings, urges, plans that I am coping with them. I feel that they may think because I haven't been self harming I am less likely to act on any suicidal urges because I am able to work through it. When in fact I have been self harming 3-4 times a week and quite seriously. Which probably means I can't work through the urges/ride them out and am more likely to act on them.

What worries me here is they will want to inform my parents or want me back in hospital. And there is no way I am going back in hospital. Not voluntarily anyway. Another dream I had last night was that they go a warrant on a S135 to assess me.

Ok, this is going to sound maybe a little mad but, in the past my dreams have kind of predicted the way things go. Remember about 18months ago I wrote about a dream I had where I stabbed myself in the stomach and I was in hospital but was a ward I didn't recognise. Then when I seriously OD'd and came around in intensive care that was the ward from my dream. I had never been there before so had no way in picturing it to dream about it. That's not the first time things like that have happened. So as you can imagine understandably I am worried in telling the half truth to the psychologist as of what may happen.

I am seeing my CPN on Thursday. I won't be saying anything to her but I am really worried about seeing her as I told her a couple of weeks ago how I was feeling and since then I have seen the psychologist and have told him in more detail that I have plans and have methods etc. So she is bound to know. I've not had a phone call from her though so that eases my worries a little as if she was overly concerned she would have probably phoned me by now, and luckily she hasn't.

No one commented on the last post about what you would do or what you think I should do and I really need some input here. I can't go this alone.

Saturday, 12 January 2013

Decisions Decisions.

So I said in my last post I was worried that if I told CPN or Psychologist the truth then they would tell my parents. Let me just explain this bit first as Werehorse commented on the last post about this asking why they would tell when I am an adult.

A few weeks back my CPN, Psychologist, Psychiatrist and OT all had a case conference about me. The main thing that was being discussed was when they break confidentiality. What came from this was if I disclosed something to one of them that was deemed to be life endangering (eg swallowing, OD'ing) then they would be duty bound to tell my parents. Their reasons being should anything happen to me and my parents had not been made aware then the hospital would be held liable as they could have possibly prevented it by informing my parents. So for instance if I told them I had swallowed something and then they informed my parents, my parents can then be on the look out for any deterioration in my physical health and possibly prevent anything from happening. They also say that they have a duty of care to me to inform my carers if I am doing that so that I am not at risk. I can't say I agree with what they are doing but that is that.

So understandably I have not been telling my psychologist or CPN the details of the self harm. What I was thinking though is that I could skirt around it a bit and admit that I have been self harming but not say how. They think I am doing really well as I have not been doing anything and I am really misleading them. I need more help and I am not going to get it if they think I am doing well the way things are.

What does worry me about this method is:

1) That they may inform my parents any way on the suspicion I was seriously self harming etc.
2) That they may use this against me and force me in to going in to hospital again as it's pretty obvious I am not keeping myself safe and am planning my own death.

It's pretty useless carrying on seeing psychologist when I can't even be honest with him so maybe I need to find a way to be more honest with him. Although he will only see me until March so realistically have about 3 or 4 sessions left with him. He said on Thursday that he didn't see what he was doing for me or what help he was. He said he really wanted to help but he didn't know what to do. What do I say to that as I don't know either. I'm kind of sad that our sessions are coming to an end. He does seem to be my only outlet. I know it's unhealthy and I need to find a new one. But in a way I kind of feel that people are starting to feel that I am untreatable and not doing anything anymore. I am only going to see the OT every 3 weeks now also. Not that I found them much use anyway.

Does this sound like a sense of fear of abandonment?

I suppose in one way I am worried all I am going to have left is my CPN who I don't have a great relationship with.

Part of me thinks well, it doesn't matter as come February hopefully I won't be here anyway, well hopefully.

And if I get told to try mindfulness anymore I am going to scream. I hate it. It doesn't work and I am not going to bother wasting my time on it anymore. I have also tried putting time aside to let the thoughts run free but that doesn't make much difference either. Maybe I need to give it more time. I've only given it a couple of days.

Anyway, if anyone reads this I could really do with some feedback on my plan of talking non-specifically about the self harm so I would really appreciate any comments.


Thursday, 10 January 2013

I'm Not Doing Well, Despite What They Say.

They say I am. But then what do they know. I'm not being honest with them which is why they are saying that. CPN and Psychologist know how I feel. And I told Psychologist it's only a matter of time and that once this month is over I can put my plan in to place. I told him how I have a voice which says "do it now" which is there an awful lot. He said to tell it to stop. All I can manage is "wait".

He says I am doing well feeling all this and not having acted on anything. There is no way I can tell him I have been swallowing blades a few times a week and taking about 5x the prescribed dose of my meds in one go. You see if I divulge this then they tell my parents. I wish I could be honest with him. I wish I could tell him how it really was. I don't think he believes I have done nothing though. I have two plasters on my fingers from where I have cut them from breaking open the razor. I didn't think they were that obvious. But he asked me what I had done and I didn't have an answer. Finally I managed to stutter it was paper cuts and he started interrogating me. "What on both fingers"? "What were you doing"? "When did you do it"? Far too many questions if he thought they were actually paper cuts.

I told him how the fantasies of dying were there pretty much all day and they took over everything. How I play out different scenarios in my head over and over. How it keeps me awake 3-4 hours after I have gone to bed. He said one way of trying to get round this is to set some time each day to let the thoughts be there. To go somewhere quiet for 30 minutes (a few times a day if needed) and just let them roll. I said I would try it but I wasn't sure if it would make any difference at night when I am trying to get to sleep.

I don't think OT are of much use anymore. They are there to help me plan to fill my time. I've found though that planning my time and doing stuff doesn't make any difference as I feel the same while doing and after doing it. Today is the first time I left the house since Saturday. Most of that time has been spent in my room on my bed. I don't want to be anywhere else.

I am meant to be looking for voluntary work also. I looked at the volunteer database and saw a couple of things that would usually interest me. But when it came down to it I felt that there was just no way I would be able to commit to something. The whole thing brought on an anxiety attack.

My family also think I am doing better and I really don't want to shatter that illusion they have. Everyone thinks I am doing better. Only I know the truth. I wasn't even this bad when I was on PICU.

Psychologist said he felt he should do something like call in Crisis Team or my CPN I practically begged him not to. He said he could ask my CPN if there was someone who could see me more regularly, I said there wasn't much point. I hope he doesn't make any calls. But now I am going to be anxiously waiting for that phone call.

I kind of cut myself off for a few days and ignored my phone when it rang as I didn't feel like speaking to anyone and then never returned their calls. My CPN tried today. After the second attempt she called the land line which I never use (it's the parents business line). I just wish I would be left alone.

Monday, 7 January 2013


I don't want to be on medication any more. I can't see the point in it. It's obviously not working when I am still planning my own suicide on an hourly basis. I feel so low and emotional. I don't have the energy to do anything and I don't want to do anything. I feel that no one can help with this. People have been trying to help me for the last few years and yet it always boils down to the same thing.

I am meant to be going into town to meet up with the OT tomorrow but I think I am going to give it a miss. Feign illness. Well, in a way I won't be lying. I can't face getting dressed and leaving the house at the moment. The whole idea of showering, putting normal clothes on and putting make-up on fills me with dread. I could never leave the house without make up in case I see someone I know. I just want to stay in my PJ's all day. Well, to make it look as though I have got dressed I just pull some jogging bottoms on with what ever t-shirt I slept in the night before. I don't think I have brushed my hair or teeth in 2-3 days. Gross.

The whole idea of ending my life just gets more and more appealing. I have been swallowing stuff, particularly razors in the hope that they will cut me up inside before passing through causing me an internal infection which gets me. It's happening nearly every day.

I lie awake for hours at night fantasising about how and when I can do it. It plays like a reel going round and round in my head. Keeping busy makes no difference. I tried that and I end up getting anxious as I get engulfed by the feelings and what's going on around me goes on in a haze and I lose track of things. My mind just wanders off and I get distracted by it and then I don't know what has been going on so I get anxious. So I feel it's better for me to let the thoughts be. Let them play their course. I've tried seeing a friend but I could barely hold a conversation.

I told the CPN when I saw her on Thursday that I would try and I did. But now I can't see the point. She said she would call me on Friday to check in and come up with a game plan. She called. Spent all of 2 minutes on the phone and just basically repeated the same thing. Keep busy and if you need to call crisis team. I doubt I will be doing that again. Not when they send the police round. Not when the only thing they have to say is keep busy and distract yourself. So what's the point?

So I am on my own. Nothing anyone says helps so I will just deal with it my way.

Thursday, 3 January 2013

Went to See CPN

I forgot she said she was going to have a student with her so it was really hard. I didn't get out all of what I wanted to say as I was conscious that there was someone else there. I did manage to tell her I was having thoughts. She said I needed to keep myself busy and distracted and I said that doesn't make a blind bit of difference.

 She kept asking me what I wanted and what I wanted to do and in the end I snapped that I knew what I wanted. She asked me what then I said I wasn't going to say. As soon as I had said this I wished I could have taken it back. She asked me if I had a plan. I said not yet. Which in a kind of way it's true as I am holding off for a couple of weeks before I put any plans into place. She said she wasn't sure if I would be able to keep myself safe until Tuesday when I have a meeting with OT. I said I would but I couldn't tell her what I would do to make sure that I would.

So then she said she was going to have to call my parents and inform them. I begged her not to and she said I wasn't leaving her with much option. But in the end I agreed that she could call me tomorrow. I don't want her to but that's the only way she would drop it.

I really wish I hadn't said anything to her now. She'll probably still go and tell my parents anyway. She asked me if I had self harmed since I last saw her. Of course I can't tell her that I have been. I know as soon as she knows what I've been up to she will tell my parents. So what's the point in telling her?

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Not In A Good Way

Yeah, I am really not doing that well. I am really struggling. And I don't know what to do.

All that I can think of is how and when I could kill myself. I kept myself going over the Xmas period as I don't want to ruin Xmas for years to come for people. I know what it's like having a close relative die close to Xmas and it is never the same again. So that stopped me doing anything. Now, it is my brothers birthday coming up so I am trying to avoid doing anything before that. But once that has gone I think that will be when I do something about how I am feeling.

It's like a reel going around in my head how I fantasise over my own death. It's all the time. I plan how and when and have long fantasies of how I would go about doing it.

I am worried if I tell anyone then I am going to end up back in hospital and I really don't want that. I couldn't cope with it. And, I am not sure if it actually helps in anyway. Last time I was there I came out feeling the same way I did when I went in. And I find the whole thing quite embarrassing. I can't be doing with people's pity and fake concern. My parents had friends over on Sunday and it was awful. Although no one came right out with talking about it there was undertones and sickly asking how I was doing. Of course I am not going to come out with "actually I fantasise about my own death most the time and am feeling pretty shit, I've been swallowing needles and razor blades in the hope they may do something but no such luck yet". So I put a fake smile on (which I am doing a lot of and have it down to a tee) and reply "really good thanks". No one really wants to hear how you are doing really.

So I see Beth my CPN tomorrow and I really don't know what I am going to say to her. I am worried if I tell her the truth she will want me back in hospital. And I'm not going there. Not again. I hope I've got enough in me to be able to convince a AMHP, Sec.12 approved doc and a normal doc that I don't need to be in hospital should it come down to Beth trying to get me in on a section and arranging a MHA. I am going to do all I can to avoid going back there again.

I can hide things from Beth I think. She's not as good at reading me as the psychologist is. So he's my main worry. I see him next Thursday. He'll ask all the relevant questions and will be able to tell when I am hiding stuff or not telling the truth. I don't have him for much longer. Just a couple more months. But I suppose it doesn't really matter if I do go ahead and do something.