Thursday, 9 August 2012

Psychologist Appointment

I saw my psychologist today. I think I may give him a nervous breakdown. He must get so pissed off with me.

I'm going to Europe for 3 weeks tomorrow. I don't want to go. I want to stay at home on my own and have my own space to be miserable. But I have taken a sensible decision and decided to go with my parents as I don't think being on my own for 3 weeks this soon after discharge from hospital would be good for my health. Not when I feel like I do at the moment.

I explained all this to him. He knows all about it as I have talked to him about it in previous meetings and he said I have made the right decision. I told him about how I have been fighting the urges and low mood since Sunday and that I don't think I can do it for much longer. He asked me a number of times if I had done any thing and being as though I haven't I said that I haven't but it is getting harder not to. He said I have got through it before when I was on PICU and I could do it again. I also said there were times when I hadn't got through it and I was feeling like that. He asked me what was stopping me and I explained that I knew if I did it then the whole cycle would start again and there would be no stopping me and I didn't want to be in hospital. Before this he asked me if I wanted to come back in and I said not. I don't.

He asked me if I wanted to die. I was honest and said while I had thought about it and thought about how, I also had plans to go travelling next year and to go back to uni. So that sort of conflicted so if I wanted those things how could I truly want to die. He said you can't go travelling and back to uni if your dead. I agreed. But he said it's normal to have these conflicting thoughts.  We talked more about the urges and what I wanted to do and I said all of it. I had urges to do all my normal self-harming, self destructing things. Cutting, blood letting and swallowing. We talked about the needle I had stashed and if I would be taking it to Europe with me. I said I hadn't decided and had been looking at the pros and cons of taking it with me. Since then I have decided to take it with me. Not so I can use it. Hopefully not anyway, but as a safety net.

He said he got the impression I had given up. I am not doing anything I said I would to get myself out of it. Things like walking the dog, calling a friend etc. I said I can make these plans when I am ok but when I am in it I don't want to do anything and he said to think back to the past when you keep putting off doing something as you think it would be awful and when you actually do it it's not as bad as you first thought. I said I would give it a go.

We talked a lot about how I don't want to go to Europe for 3 weeks as all I want to do is be on my own and I am dreading be in such close proximity to my parents for so long. He was trying to make it better for me and I just kept coming back with a yeah but... I know I frustrate him. He made me promise that I would see him for our next appointment (in other words that I wouldn't do something stupid) and that I would try and do a couple of the things he has asked me to do while I am away. It's nice having someone who cares, who I can talk to and can be really open with. But I am worried I have come to rely on him a little too much and I put too much faith into him. He's not going to be there forever and so I probably shouldn't put so much in to it. I had an appointment on Monday with a covering CPN as mine, Beth, is away. He asked me why I didn't tell her why I was having urges and my mood had dropped. I said I didn't know but I do. It's because I didn't know her and I knew she would only be seeing me the one time. It takes me a long time to build a relationship with someone. It took me ages to be open with him. I have been seeing him since January and it wasn't until March time seeing him twice a week for an hour plus at a time that I have been able to tell him how I feel. He also takes great pleasure in telling me that one of the first things I said to him was that I thought psychologists were all arrogant twats. I can't remember saying that at all, but, hey ho.

He kept reminding me that one of the things we talked about while I was on PICU was that we knew that there would come a time when I would get urges and we had discussed how I would deal with it. True. I just didn't think it would turn around so quickly. One day I am fine the next my mood is in my boots, I'm anxious and getting massive urges. He thinks it's something to do with me not wanting to go away. Hopefully he is right and by the time I get back in 3 weeks things will have turned around again. He usually is right so let's hope he is on this one.

Anyway, I have to be up at 03.30am so I best be getting some sleep.

Night world

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Back Home

It started off ok. But now I'm kinda worried. I'm struggling a bit. I've been home a week now. I was discharged last Tuesday and I was over the moon. I was up beat and happy and all of a sudden come Sunday my mood dipped, I started getting anxious and getting self-harm urges. I haven't acted on them, not yet anyway.

I had an appointment with my psychologist last Thursday when things were going well. I told him while cleaning out my dressing table I came across one of the needles I used to use for blood letting. I couldn't throw it away. I sat with it in my hands for ages thinking what to do and remembering when I used to do it every day and the time I swallowed the needle which perforated my bowel requiring me to have emergency surgery and I nearly died. Yet, the thoughts were still there and I couldn't get rid of it. I've not used it but I know it's there should I need to.

I'm worried I shouldn't have been discharged from hospital. My mood is low again and the thoughts and urges are there. I'm going to the doctors this afternoon to get a prescription and it's not my usual doctor who knows me so I don't know if I am going to be able to say any thing. If I was still on the ward I would talk to a member of staff who I knew well and ask for some PRN lorazepam and haloperidol. But, I can't do that. I can't talk to anyone about how I am feeling. I don't want to worry my parents so I have not said anything to them and am trying to remain upbeat as though nothing is wrong while I am around them but it's hard to cover up anxiety etc.

Sunday was a year to the day since I ended up in intensive care after the huge overdose which led to me being sectioned. This past year has been unbelievably awful. I think the anniversary of it all happening may have something to do with why my mood has dipped. I have been thinking what has actually happened in the last year, what I have achieved, which I don't feel is a great deal yet, I am told different by staff at the hospital. I feel that perhaps after a year in hospital I shouldn't be having the "I'd be better off dead" thoughts and be able to get rid of the self harm urges but they are both still there. Perhaps I deal with them differently. I have a better idea of what my triggers are now and what the warning signs are also. The psychologist says the thoughts I have are a positive thing as they are a warning sign and it means I can act in a positive way about them. To me they are negative as I still have to deal with them when they are there and it's horrible having thoughts like that swimming round in your head on a loop.

I was so positive when I saw him on Thursday yet when I go back this week it feels as though things have changed so much and so quickly.

Being in hospital was easy. Maybe I should still be there. It's hard after all that time having the responsibility to look after myself. Maybe they were right when they said low secure may have been the best way for me to go. I wouldn't want to be there but it may have been best for me. I don't feel much different from a year ago and they've just let me go. I don't know what they thought they were going to achieve keeping me in hospital for so long. And then all of a sudden saying I can go. In a way it feels like they've given up on me. That my moods are always going to be all over the place and that nothing can be done about it.

It's really affected my confidence being in hospital for so long. People keep saying to me that I must be quite confident if I am planning on going travelling on my own. But I don't see it that way. It's something I have done before and I know what to expect. It's going to be mostly relaxing so wont cause much stress. I don't need confidence for it. But anything that may invoke some stress, I am getting terrified at. I had OT come to see me today and we talked about a part time job as I can work and earn up to £97.50 per week and not lose any of my benefits. Which being as though I am saving to go away would be brilliant. But the idea of doing something that may stress me out is really causing me anxiety as I don't know how I would deal with it. I have also thought about volunteering but again the idea of it is causing me anxiety. I'm not an anxious person but being in hospital has turned me in to one.

I'm terrified of ending up back in hospital. Yes, it's easier, and I say I am not sure if I should have been discharged yet but I don't want to go back in. Mainly because of my family. It would really disappoint them and they would really struggle with it. Also there's that possibility of being sent to a low secure place which really would screw up any future plans as these type of places are longer term than a year. And the people you come across in them are very different. The other patients can be forensic patients and the staff seem to be different in forensic settings. They don't seem to care as much.

 I can't quite remember what he said but the psychologist was saying my fear of ending up back in hospital and the way I was using it was a negative thing. I think he probably thinks if my fear is so much I will stop being honest with people about how I am feeling and that me not being able to talk about it will cause it all to build up. Who knows though. He probably has a point. He said I should try and focus on the positive things not the negative things. He has a point and he's always right. Grrr.

I'll talk to him on Thursday and be open and honest with him about how I am feeling and see if he has any pointers. For now though I really need a wee so I'm going to finish.