Thursday, 18 July 2013

Not Forgotten, Just Very Little Time.

I've had quite a big week in terms of what has happened. Well kind of. I had a psychology session Monday morning, and then Monday afternoon I had the meeting at uni with the course director and the psychologist. I think it would be quite a big post, but I haven't had time to sit down and write about it. I have hardly been at home since Monday. The weather has been so nice I have been out most the day into the evening.

I go on holiday on Saturday. I have not been looking forward to a holiday as much as this in ages. I think the last time was just before I went travelling over 3 years ago. Only staying in Europe and going with my parents, but I am really looking forward to it.

If I have the time I will write about it before I go. But, I just really wanted to say that I am ok, and that I am going away so there probably won't be any posts for possibly a couple of weeks. I know a couple of people do read this regularly so I just wanted to let you know what is happening.

Au Revoir.

Sunday, 14 July 2013

Feeling Shit

I hope this doesn't bring me back down again in to the deepest despair of a depression. I am going to try and ensure that it doesn't.

I have been on the dating site Plenty of Fish. And so far I have not met anyone I have felt attracted to or they have been quite weird and just not right. Insecure, attached, emotional etc etc etc. I have been on quite a few dates recently and nothing. The night I opened up to my friend about things about what happened on holiday when I was 15 (as some people say it was rape but I haven't seen it like that and never will) but anyway. that night I was talking to her about dating again and she said it was a good thing as broadens the people I meet etc. She said I am unlikely to ever have that massive spark and instant love that I had when I first met GOM and that it develops so I need to stop writing people off after a first date and give them a chance. So I took heed. I went out last Sunday with a Spanish guy. We got on ok and he seemed to be in to me. So I thought, why not, give it another go. He text me as soon as I got home telling me how much he liked me and hoped it could develop into something else. So we arranged to see each other again. Then he went from being in contact almost constantly to nothing for about 24 hours. Which yes, I get not hearing for a guy for a while is pretty normal, and I don't mind it. But for him it wasn't. So I kinda figured something was going on. Anyway, when we were talking about our next date he then told me his friend had unexpectedly arrived from Spain and he wouldn't be able to see me this week as he would be with his friend. So I reckon I was blown off there. But I wasn't too bothered. I didn't really feel much for him and wasn't really attracted to him. I just thought that we got on quite well, he was a nice guy that I would give it another go and maybe something would/could develop. So that one didn't work out.

I went out again last night. The guy told me he was 37. A bit old for me. But he seemed like a nice guy. So I went. He said he used to be in the police so I thought he would be quite head strong and a well rounded guy. He turned up and he looked more like 47 than 37. He said to me that people had told him he didn't look his age, obviously looking for me to say he looked younger. All I could say was no, you don't look your age at all. So yeah, I did kind of agree with him there, but not in the way he wanted. And, he noticed the scars on the top of my arms and said oh you have scars. My arms aren't too bad with the scars as I have never really self harmed badly there. I was wearing a vest and really wished I hadn't been. I just came up with some story how I had burnt them on my hair straighteners whilst curling my hair. He made me feel really uncomfortable about them. I just think it's quite rude to mention scars etc on a person. It's something I would never do. Maybe it's because mine have come about in such a socially unacceptable way that I am more conscious of them. Maybe for most people mentioning scars isn't too bad. I mean I suppose if there is no disturbed back ground to them I suppose most people wouldn't be bothered about them. Maybe it's just me who thinks it is rude to ask as I am more aware that some people are ashamed by them.

Anyway. I didn't really like this guy.

So today I had arranged to meet this other guy. My friend said he looked like a good looking version of Wayne Rooney. So that put a bit of a dampener on my feelings about it. I mean, can you really be a good looking version of Rooney. So all I had in my head was that I was going to meet Shrek. But when we met up, I quite liked him. He seemed normal and we seemed to be getting on ok. Or so I thought. We had a drink in a bar and then took a walk in to a city park as they had this music thing going off. So we brought some drinks from the shop and sat with a few drinks in the park. He said he was going to go to the loo. I had this horrible feeling. A few minutes later he text me and said he was sorry but he wasn't having a nice time and wasn't coming back. I was totally mortified. I did actually send a nice message back saying no worries, it was nice to meet him and to not worry about it (he apologised and said he knew it was spineless) as it was something I had done before so I couldn't really say anything. Well I have kind of done it. Not gone without saying anything, but made up some elaborate story about why I had to go. Never actually just disappeared. So I was quite hurt by it.

I text my friend after I made a joke saying that I hoped he would come back, she said not to worry, he's not you. So I text her back saying it seemed we were actually quite a like after all. She was quite surprised and said he was a knob and I should not get hung up on it. I moved to a quieter area of the park put my sunglasses on and actually started crying in the middle of the park. Luckily I wasn't near anyone and no one could see me. I wasn't sobbing or anything but there were tears. I am quite hurt by it. I don't think you can help but take it personally. I was as nice as anything, I didn't say anything that would cause offence and I was nice. So I can only put it down to was the fact that he found me unattractive. So yet again I feel shit about my weight, scars and feel horrible. So yeah, I did take it personally. And he was the first person I kind of liked and was attracted to. And then that. So yes, I feel really shit about it. Really shit. I just wanted a nice day in the sun, having a couple of drinks and to take my mind off what is happening tomorrow with this meeting at uni. But no. Now I just feel shit. Really shit. And it sent my self harm urges in to overdrive. But, I am not going to give in to them. I am not going to let one person be the reason I self harm. I never have done and I won't.

So now I have come home. I needed the loo so I had to come home. And now I am feeling really miserable and shit and sorry for myself. I want to drink. I want to get totally pissed. If it wasn't for this meeting at uni tomorrow I would do. I have my usual session with the psychologist at 9.30am and then the meeting with the psychologist and course director at 2. If it wasn't for that meeting at 2 I would have just got really pissed tonight and called and cancelled my psychology session tomorrow saying I was ill.

So I will have a couple more beers and that is it. No getting totally wrecked for me. Even though I feel totally shit about myself. Grrrrr.

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Psychology Session - 08/07/13

I didn't actually get to talk about what I wanted to talk about. We talked mainly about my going back to uni and how I would be able to cope I just need to start telling myself that and believing it. He said to look at evidence from the past at how I have coped and how I have never failed at anything. He's kind of got a point I suppose.

He asked how the last week had been and about 10 minutes before the end of the appointment he asked me if I had self harmed. I hadn't, but I said I was struggling with thoughts on Thursday evening. He asked what had happened and I said I had seen a friend and I had talked to her about a few things which I found really hard to talk about. I told him I had invited her round as there was something that I wanted to discuss with her. It was like I was talking in code, well I suppose I was as I didn't really want to mention it so close to the end of the appointment as it would feel rushed or we would have ended up running over and I didn't want to do that. I have a habit of not bringing up important big things until near the end of the appointment and he always asks me why I left it so long to bring up. So I didn't want to do that. I need to give it time to go over it, not rush it through.

Next week is the day of the important meeting with uni. He is coming with me in the afternoon. We have a meeting in the morning, but I doubt I will bring it up then as we will be talking about the meeting. So, it will have to wait until the week after. I will probably have changed my mind over it all then. So, giving it time is probably for the best.

I am mega stressing out about next week. I am getting in to such a panic over it and have even had thoughts of cancelling it because I find it all so hard. I am losing sleep over it and when I do actually get some sleep I am dreaming about it. I am knackered and just want a decent nights sleep. I am still 6 days away from it, and even then that is not the worst bit. I think it's going to be pretty informal and it's more for the psychologists benefit so he can find out more about the course. I am in such a huge mess over this, what the hell happens at the next stage that I have to be more involved in.

I am in a right mess over it all and I don't know what to do with myself about it really.

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Been Thinking...(Talk of sexual abuse, may find triggering)

I have just watched a BBC documentary about rape and how it affects people and the process in which people have been raped go through. And it got me thinking. It made me think about the experience that happened when I was 15 on holiday where, well, I wouldn't call it rape, I haven't thought of it like that. I haven't wanted to. Other people have given it that name, but I haven't.

A couple of reasons really. I didn't really put up much of a fight and I probably could have done more to stop it from happening, and also, while it does niggle me, I am not overly affected by it. It is not something I dwell on. Yes, I see that it was wrong of him. He was 30, I was 15. Whoah, just writing that gave me a weird feeling. I am nearly the same age he was. And while in some respects thinking of the event it doesn't seem all that long ago, I think about what has changed in the last 14 years and how I have gone from a child into an adult. At the time I didn't feel like a child. But I was I suppose.

 Anyway, back to my line of thought, he was 30, I was 15. That is wrong, it's weird that a bloke that old would want to sleep with someone that young. I look at 15 year olds now and am annoyed by them for how immature and child like they are. How can anyone of a considerable greater age find that attractive. I get maybe up to 5 years, but more than that, well it's wrong isn't it? So there is that.

It bothers me that he was married. I didn't find out until a couple of days after, and his wife was pregnant. So I actually feel bad about it, like I encouraged him to cheat on her. That I was somehow to blame in it all.

What I don't think I have mentioned before, I am not sure. Is that one of the girls I was friendly with (you know how you make holiday friends when you are that age), she was 14. And she told me he had slept with her, this was before it happened with me. Yet, I still knowingly went on my own with him in to a room on my own away from everyone else knowing that he had been with her. I remember a conversation I had with her about it. She was under the belief that as it was her first time she couldn't get pregnant. Seriously, who taught sex education back then? She had a crush on him and so after it happened with me and him I felt bad about it, like somehow I had taken something off her. I never told her what happened though, I think because I was ashamed and didn't want her to be angry at me.

I can't help but think I was a slutty 15 year old girl, who knew exactly what I was doing and even though I said no, I let it happen. It was only 4 months before I was 16, the legal age of consent. So, it's not like I was a child.

So, he would be around 44-45 now. His kid will be around 14. Not much younger than I was. What if, and it's a small if, he is some kind of sex offender who has never been caught and he has a thing for young girls? He was working in an environment where he was working with kids, what if he is still doing that. What if he is sleeping with young girls, what if he is more forceful with them than he was with me. I didn't want to do it, I said no, but was pressured in to it by him. There wasn't any force. I remember it hurting, and I remember there being blood. I even remember what colour pants I was wearing. I don't remember anything else about what I was wearing.

On the other hand. It was 14 years ago. All I have is his first name, a photo and the name of one of two hotels he was working at as I can't remember which one it was that year we stayed at (abroad in the Canary Islands). All I would be doing would be telling my story and it wouldn't go anywhere would it. They would wonder why I had not said anything all this time. I wouldn't be believed would I? Why would I only come forward now. But then on the other hand, what if it is something he has done since, what if he is still doing it? What if I, by reporting it could stop it from happening again. I have not been affected by it, but what if someone is deeply traumatised by it, or if someone could be? I would be stopping that wouldn't I? But then, I won't be believed. I hate to say it, but I am diagnosed with a mental health problem, one of those being PD traits. And, it's not exactly a great diagnosis when looking at credibility is it? I know that sounds harsh, what I mean is, the way in which others perceive it. It's not good. I would probably be seen as attention seeking etc.

I have always dismissed going anywhere with this as I have always felt it has not had a big impact on me. But seeing this program tonight has made me see what impact sexual assault does have on women. I have only ever thought about myself in all of this. But perhaps I need to think of others.

I don't really know what to do? Any advice here please would be great...

EDIT @ 22.18

Been looking at some things online and came across this...surly this person is not for real?

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Psychology Session - 01/07/13

We spent quite a bit of time talking about how I feel about my brother. He asked me if there was anything I wanted to make sure we talked about and I said it was probably stupid but I told him what had happened and how I felt about him not contacting me on my birthday. I explained to him how although I was upset about it all I actually didn't really want him to contact me as then it would validate my feelings of being mad/pissed off with him.

He linked it to what I had told him a few weeks back how I always felt that he was seen as the golden boy and I was compared to him quite a bit. My brother is about to break up with his partner, I was telling the psychologist how it has always been a when it happens not if it happens. They don't have a great relationship and I think they have differing views on how to raise the children. He never gets up with them in the morning so it means she is always knackered as she is getting up each morning at 05.30am, where he is up until the early hours smoking weed and drinking every night. I told the psychologist this and he said he wondered if my brother was depressed as that was not something a normal person would do. I said he had always been like that so I didn't think that he was. But, I kind of got the impression the psychologist was trying to justify it in someway. Who knows. Maybe he knows something I don't? Anyway, he wondered if that now my brother was going through a break up that he was now not seen so much as the golden child and if in some ways I was relishing in it. I don't think he used those exact words, but I think it was his drift. I said I had not really thought about it and I doubted that that was the case anyway.

He pointed out that I looked really uncomfortable. I said I had had last Tuesday to feel sorry for myself and then since then I have tried not to think about it because when I do I feel shit. Yeah, so I have been avoiding it, like everything I find tough.

We spent about 45 minutes talking about it, I can't really remember what we said about it really.

We then moved on to uni stuff again. He said to me that he wasn't sure about my commitment to going back and he got the impression that I wanted him to make the decision for me. I don't think I do. Maybe there is some of it there in that if someone else makes the decision for me I can externalise it all. In that if it doesn't work out for me in that I go back and I can't cope then I can feel that someone else has that responsibility. Also if they decide that I can't go back then it is someone else's responsibility, not mine. He said he wasn't sure if it was what I wanted to do and that I seem blase about it. I explained to him that it is what I want to do but I am really scared and worried about it, that I won't be able to cope and I am going to mess it up and fail. So in not fully committing myself I can kind of avoid that. He said it was a very glass half empty approach. Which I suppose it kind of is. But it is my way of dealing with it to avoid getting hurt or avoiding the pain and anguish I will feel if things go wrong. I suppose it's the schema of failure going in to overdrive again.

He has asked me to write a pros and cons list, short and long term for going back to uni to do my course. So I need to do that. I think it's what I want to do. I am almost sure of it. But then am I thinking/feeling that because I feel if I don't do it it will just be another thing to add to my list of things that I have failed at (failure schema again!!!!).

I didn't really get an awful lot out of the session. He said that as well. He was the one who pointed it out. And I was quite honest with him and said how I was feeling worse at the end of it than I was when I came in. Then yesterday I was feeling shit all day. I didn't want another feeling sorry for myself day so I went for quite a long drive into the countryside. I was going to go for a walk but then it started to throw it down with rain and I was quite cold so I just went up to the lake and sat and had my lunch there before driving home. Then I really hammered it in the gym in the evening to get some frustrations out.

So how have things been in this last week? Well, Tuesday I did spend all day feeling very sorry for myself and not leaving the flat. I self harmed as well by swallowing. I couldn't tell him that though. So he was going on about how I am getting to master this not self harming all I did was sit there and feel awful that I wasn't. But it had been a while before that though since I last did it. He asked how I felt about not self harming. He said I should feel happy and proud of myself. I just said that I had gone periods of time before without self harming, sometimes months, but it is always something I come back to so I don't really feel anything when I don't do it. I don't feel I could tell him about the self harm, a couple of reasons really, the first being that he is the one who is going to be telling uni whether or not he feels I am ready to be going back. I don't think he would be saying I am ready if he knew I was what they class as seriously self harming. Another reason is because I don't know if they would be informing my parents if I tell them I have self harmed seriously. I can't take those risks. I can't! I know if I am not being honest it is not going to help me as much, but it is not something I feel I can risk at the moment. I see my CPN in just over a week so I will be asking her what the exact circumstances are of informing other people are, as at the moment for me it is a grey area.

I know they need to know if it is something I am doing still. So me lying about it isn't really helping anyone. But, if I am honest, it could actually have a negative impact on me.

A part from Tuesday where I felt quite shit I have made a real big effort to not let that bring me back under. I am aware of what the psychologist was saying the week before how something small could have an impact on me in the way in which I approach it. I don't know if steaming through, avoiding things is the best way to deal with it, but it is kind of working for me at the moment. I said while I am feeling good I do want to avoid things as I don't want bringing down. So we talked more about avoiding things and he said how sometimes it can be healthy but not all the time. In my case probably not healthy.

But, a part from Tuesday. I think this week has been ok. I have been quite busy and I have done a lot of exercise. I had a shit day yesterday. And today has been a nothing day as I have come down with a cold so I have allowed myself to have a PJ and TV day, but tomorrow, illness or not I am not letting my body give up on me and I am going to the gym and doing a class. Keep busy and avoid anything that makes me feel bad. Probably not the healthiest way to go about things, but at the moment it is working for me.