Thursday, 28 February 2013

The 10th Circle of Hell

"there must be a tenth circle in hell, kept for those who hurt their beloved ones and kept acting as if everything was as usual".


One of my closest friends is emigrating to Australia in about a month. I am really going to miss her. She has been one of them that although I don't talk to in person about how I have been feeling or on the phone but in text I tell her quite a lot. Not details about the self harm but she was one of those I told when I woke up in intensive care after I nearly died. I didn't say what I had done. I didn't need to. I just said I had done something stupid and I was worried about what was going to happen.

I have known her about 9 years now. We met on our 1st day at uni trying to find the room/building we were supposed to go to.

I wish her all the best in her new better life out there. I was there 10 years ago. I lived in oz for nearly a year and it was amazing. I think she will love it. Who wouldn't? I came back wanting to move over there. It was only a couple of years later when I went around Europe a few times and you could hop on a flight and be in a totally different culture within an hour that I realised I didn't want to move anymore. The thing is with oz is that you have at least a 9 hour flight and you get to Asia. Asia is amazing, but, it's not Europe where you can be in a different country within an hour and be in a totally different place.

I love Asia. I love it . I really do. I want to go back there and was planning on going this year. I planned on Tokyo, China, Thailand (for about the 4th time at least), Indonesia and Laos again. But, I don't think I would only like that my only culture for the rest of my life. Australia is so big. Yes, the different states are different. Take for instance Perth, they have this whole why do it today when you can do it tomorrow attitude, NSW is very modern and rushed. Sydney is a brilliant cosmopolitan city. Melbourne is quite European. But you don't have Spain, France, Italy, Switzerland etc on your door step.

I loved Sydney the most. I spent 4 months living there in a flat with GOM close to main train station on George Street. An amazing place.

I am so jealous that she is getting to do all this. That she has found love and she is moving out there with him and they are going to start an amazing fantastic life in the sun.

All the best to her.

How It Went

OK. I suppose. We actually spent most of the session talking about something that I hadn't planned on talking about at all. Something that bothered me at the time but I didn't think did now. What I am talking about is the incident in the car park the other week and also the incident where there was a bit of road rage.

I told him how I was quite upset with myself how I had lost it, especially in front of the kids. He said I shouldn't worry about it too much and I should be proud of myself for standing up for myself as it's not something I usually do as I do all I can to avoid any confrontation. Also he said I initially tried to de-esculate and initially remained calm and sensible without getting angry. We talked quite a bit about it as I said I was upset by it as it's not like me to lose it at all. He said it's a pretty normal response flight or fight and all that. I told him about how if the kids hadn't have been there and a similar thing had happened I would have dragged that woman out the car. Also how when there was the incident where I was cut up how I was willing the guy to get out his car.

I told him about how when I was with GOM and we used to argue I sometimes used to lose it and end up throwing things at him when I was really angry. I also reminded him of the incident with Fingers where I kicked him in the balls. He said he had forgotten about that but then he said if he remembered correctly I had put in a complaint against Fingers about his treatment (his derogatory comments and the wrong restraint causing me loads of bruising) of me saying I was provoked by him and the complaint was upheld. So he has made me feel a little better about it. I didn't realise how much it had affected me those incidents until I talked about it. He hit the nail on the head when he said that my non-verbals indicated I felt shame about it all. I said he was right and he said I shouldn't. But it was pretty common for females to feel shame when they show powerful emotions such as anger as from a young age we are led to believe that girls should always be prim and proper and not get angry and boys are OK to rough and tumble and anger is more of a male trait. I agreed with him on that.

In terms of the experiences I have been having I said they were still continuing. He said he had talked to my CPN about it and she didn't think medication was the answer. He asked what I thought and I said how I didn't really want to take any more medication and being as though her and him are both mental health professionals if they think it's down to sleep deprivation (which is not the case anymore) and a lot of stress (which still is the case) then I'll go with what they say.

We talked about the self harm on Monday night. I said I felt really let down with myself that I had only managed 3 nights on my own before cutting deep enough to self harm. He told me not to beat myself up about it. As really it had been since November since I had done anything that required a trip to hospital. Of course I didn't tell him I had been swallowing razors a few times a week. But I did say how I didn't really get why I went to the hospital as I had done things a lot worse and not bothered going. He said I should be proud of myself for going. I told him about how I couldn't let them stitch one of them as it was too painful. He seemed quite concerned that I have a hole in my leg.

I don't know how we got on to it but came straight out and asked me if I had the means to do anything and I said I did. He asked if I had been storing them for a while and I said I had. He said I should consider taking them to a pharmacy to get them to dispose of them. I said I didn't want to as I need them.

He asked if he would see me for my next appointment in 2 weeks. I said I would. Of course I couldn't say that my plan is within the next two weeks so hopefully won't be seeing him. He asked why I would be seeing him when I said I wanted to die. I couldn't answer him.

I was quite surprised with how today's session went. There was more I wanted to discuss with him but we ran out of time. Sometimes I feel that an hour once a fortnight isn't enough.

Getting Ready For The Appointment

I have about 10 minutes before I need to leave the house for my appointment with the psychologist. I feel really nervous about it. I feel really worried as if something will happen. I don't know what, but there is something telling me something is going to happen. Something bad. I don't know why I feel like this.

I think he will probably ask me if I have any plans now that I have moved out. Last time I saw him I said I would be waiting to act on anything until I am on my own. So he will probably bring it up. I told him last time I didn't have a date but I have a plan and I know how I will go about it. And with him talking more about low secure last time I am really worried. What if they want me to go back in to hospital and go somewhere long term? He said last time he thought maybe they should have pushed the low secure route more.

Maybe I am worrying over nothing. Maybe I'm not. It makes me think about what I can and can't talk to him about. At least when I was in hospital I could be a lot more open with him. I was on a PICU and felt I didn't really have much to lose by being totally honest. But I do now. So it means I can't be totally honest with him. I can't say what I want to because I fear what will happen.

So I don't really know what to do about it all. I want to be able to be open and honest. The whole psychology thing would work a lot more for me if I was able to do that. But I don't think it will work while I am not able to be open and honest.

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

What I Need To Discuss At Psychology Tomorrow.

So tomorrow I see my psychologist after not seeing him for 3 weeks. Not much has changed with the way I have been feeling. I think I have a few things to talk about with him. My friend who is pregnant had to go to an appointment the other day and she wasn't told in advance it was actually a counselling appointment. I told her if that had have been me I would have been fuming as I need to mentally prepare myself for when I see someone. I need to think about what I want to talk about and get ready for it.

So, I am going to tell him how I only managed 3 nights in my own new place before self harming seriously enough that I needed to go to hospital. And then that I am not even sure why I went to the hospital for stitches and the FB to be removed when I have swallowed things and not bothered with medical treatment so the fact that I went doesn't really make sense to me. Maybe he can shed some light on that for me.

The hallucinations or what ever they are are still there. I am 3 floors up and I see faces in the window, people watching me, I see things come to life that aren't alive. I've got a stick man at the side of the TV and I see that start to move as I am watching TV. The Indian God Ganesh statue I have moves and the dog what ever it is comes alive. I still get that smell of burning also.

The paranoia is still there. My neighbours are spying on me from their flats and reporting back to the hospital. I have cameras in my flat watching me, they are installed in the smoke alarms which are in my bedroom and lounge and if it wasn't for them being so high up that I need a set of ladders to get to I would have ripped them out by now.

I am sleeping better now, getting around 8 hours a night...yay. But I am still getting these experiences happening. So it's not lack of sleep.

I am having massive anxiety attacks that can last hours. My heart starts to beat really fast and it feels like it's going to beat so hard it's going to bounce out my chest. I walk around not knowing what to do with myself as I can't do anything. Nothing seems to calm me down or make me feel better. So I walk around or just sit there kind of rocking until it passes.

I am not going to tell him I have a plan. I am not going to tell him that I did what he said in arranging a flat warming but not as a flat warming but as a goodbye party.

I feel there is a lot I need to get off my chest tomorrow. I want to speak about Monday night and all the feelings and thoughts that were going through my head.

Hopefully it will be an ok session. Although, I have this awful feeling something bad is going to happen. Like a feeling of an impending sense of doom.

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Feeling Terrible

I feel terrible about last night. I managed 3 nights on my own before doing something that required me to go to the hospital. 3 nights. That is pretty piss poor.

I had 2 cuts. Both really deep. But they could only stitch one of them. The other wouldn't numb properly and it was unbearable. So I have a whole in my leg. I was warned it wouldn't heal properly and she wasn't happy leaving it. But the way I see it, I'm not going to win any beauty contests any time so it doesn't really bother me. She was worried about infection.

I've been put on anti-biotics as of the razor in my leg also. It's really painful. I can't leave the house though to go buy painkillers as I am waiting in for a delivery.

I was asked if I wanted to see anyone and I said no. I was asked if I had had suicidal thoughts and I said no. The last thing I want at the moment is to be in hospital. I don't want to be stopped from carrying out my plans in a few weeks.

Last night raises a question in my head though. Why go to the hospital last night? I am so scarred that closing a wound doesn't matter as it doesn't make any difference if I have next to no scar as of a neat closure. It doesn't really matter if I get an infection. I swallow stuff and don't go to the hospital. Why's that?

Maybe my psychologist can give me answers on Thursday when I see him. I am seeing my TSW later and I feel I want to talk about it with someone, but I don't know if she is the right person.

I am so screwed up.

Last Night

Shit. These are from last night. I posted on my phone and was showing my location. Someone kindly pointed that out to me. Kind of blows my cover. Had over a hundred hits already today. Hope it doesn't lead to anything. So I have deleted the last posts.

Don't Do It Now.

I've got all the stuff out to do it. I can't do it now. It's not in my plan. I am going to have to cut. I need to and make it deep so that I don't do anything else. Massive anxiety. Seeing faces in the window. They can't be there as the faces I'm seeing are people I know and in the window that's 3 stories up. I thought this may happen. Urges before their time. I think there's only one way to deal with them.

The ED.

I ended up in the ed. Stupid me. Went too far with the cutting. But at least for now it wasn't anything else. It's packed to the seams in here. Trolleys in the middle of the dept. But I don't know why but they just seemed as though they fast tracked me. Now I feel terrible. The nurse said I may have to talk to someone. I don't want that. I can't do that. Not now.


Why do I go to the ed cos I have a razor stuck in my leg but not mention the numerous bits I've swallowed. It doesn't really make sense does it?


I must look intelligent. I just got asked if I was one of the doctors. I'm in joggers and a hoodie but hey. It's still a compliment.


What more proof do I need. This just proves it that I am a drain on society. The NHS shouldn't have to pay for me. To stitch me up time after time.

I thought earlier that I'd done really well. I'd not cut deep enough to require medical treatment since November. Ok so I'm swallowing etc. But not deep enough or nothing I feel I need a trip to hospital for. But then I had another thought.

What kind of weird fucked up way of thinking is that. Not cutting deep enough since November. And that's some kind of triumph. For fucks sake I cut. No matter how long it's been since I last did it that deep. I am weird. I am fucked up.


Home Straight

On the home straight now. They've removed the fb from my leg, re x-rayed and now just waiting for them to review them and come stitch me up. The doc was lovely. I could barely tolerate the injections. Which is weird considering I can mutilate myself.

I'm going to have a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea when I get home.

Friday, 22 February 2013

New Place

Paranoia in overdrive. Being in a flat is not good when you're hearing things.

Thursday, 21 February 2013

Tomorrow is D Day.

No not my planned date. My moving date. I am so incredibly anxious and stressed. They say moving is one of life's biggest stressors so I suppose with everything else going around in my head it's no surprise that I feel like I do. I can not relax. I can not stop thinking. The urges to cut are so massive. But I know if I do give it there is no way I will be able to stop, so it will be deep and then I can't exactly disappear tomorrow to go get stitched up when I have people roped in to help me.

I don't like asking people for help. And this just stresses me out more. I wish I had never asked my family to help me move and I had hired men with a van to come collect my shit and then go collect the furniture from all over this county and the next. At least if I am paying someone I wouldn't feel as bad. But I didn't factor this in soon enough and now I don't have the money to pay someone. And my family wouldn't accept the money from me anyway. But I feel like I am asking too much of them.

I suppose it's a theme in my life that I don't like asking for help. It took it being forced on me while I was in hospital as I would/could never seek it out. It wasn't until I had been in hospital about 8 months before I could approach someone and say, you know what, I'm doing really shit I need some help to get through this. I have never been the type of person that likes accepting other peoples help. I always feel I am putting people out.

I said to my Mum earlier I was really stressing about tomorrow, she said it's just one day just go with it. It's not just me I am stressing about. I know my Dad is going to be in a mood and a nightmare to be around. My brother didn't realise he was being roped in for the whole afternoon so everyone wants to do things their way and not really listen to me who has the plans which fit in around when I can pick the keys up and when the people who I have brought furniture off are available so that I can go round to their houses and collect it. I know what I am doing. I wish people would realise that. I know I should be grateful for their help, I really am. But if I knew I was going to be this stressed about it I would have looked in to hiring men with a lorry and getting them to drive all over and do the heavy duty stuff. They wouldn't complain.

I'm a selfish bitch aren't I?

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

My Life

I just seem to wait around for what appointments I have with the psych team. That's what my life is. I have psychology appointments every two weeks and I count down to them. I should be seeing him tomorrow as is two weeks since the last appointment but he is off on annual leave. So it's three weeks between appointments instead. It gets to a Thursday and I think only a week til my next appointment. I count down the days. I think I am relying too much on them. It shouldn't be like that.

Yet, I can't face letting anything else in to my life at the moment. I am in no place to be doing any voluntary work or anything like that as I am in a bad way.

Hopefully though, all being well I have a plan that should work and I can put it in to place in a couple of weeks. So all of this feeling like I am just living for one appointment to the next won't matter anymore.

Friday, 15 February 2013

Fucked Up Fantasy

I just re-read some comments of when I was first sectioned and someone wrote that they thought I was writing about some fucked up fantasy I was having. I truly wish it was just that. Some fucked up fantasy that I was making up. That the past 18 months of being in and out of hospital, 8 months on a PICU were all a fantasy and never happened.


So today I went to a shop with my two young nephews on my own. They are 3 and 2. It was all fine until we were back in the car park. I was putting the youngest in the car and had opened the other door for the other one. I didn't realise he had opened it all the way and it was ever so lightly resting on the crappy car next to mine. Next thing I know her window is winded down and she is screaming and shouting at me. So I asked the oldest one to pull the door in. I wanted to get the youngest strapped in first. Next thing I know she is looking like she is getting out and storming over to me f-ing and blinding at me. So I said you could have asked nicely and there are children here so do you mind watching your language. So she starts laying in to me calling me all the names under the sun. She drove out her space and winds her drivers window down and carries on and calls me a fat bitch and saying I need to lose weight etc. This woman is not exactly the the thinnest person I have ever seen. She is really going for it. My come back is...go to hell you bloody chav!

I really had to restrain myself. If it hadn't have been for the kids I would have marched over to her car and yanked her out. The funny thing was though. The oldest nephew goes to me if you don't know her how did you know her name. I said I didn't. He said you did you called her Chav. So I had a whole lot of explaining to do saying I had called her a name and it wasn't very nice and you shouldn't call other people names as it's not good. He said when he's his Daddy's age he would be allowed to. I said not as it's still not nice. So he asked me what it meant and I kept saying it's just not a nice word. He forgot what I called her and kept asking and I said it doesn't matter. I can't have him going round calling other kids at nursery chavs. Lol.

I think it scared him quite a bit as all the way home he was going on about the naughty woman and he was really worried I was angry at him and his brother. I assured him I wasn't. And then he kept asking if we were going around to her house, I said not. He was going on and on about it saying I don't want to go there please don't make me go there. Ever. I never ever want to go there. Poor little mite. What a bitch. I am glad in a way they were there as it did make me restrain myself as if it hadn't have been for them I would have marched right up there and pulled her out her car.

I don't know what is getting in to me. The other night I was cut up by some horrible young boy racer rough looking type. So I shoved my hand on my horn. He pulled up at the side of me and started giving me the finger so I gave him the wanker sign and started shouting at him. I was willing him to get out his car and come over to me. I was all ready for the confrontation. I do all I can to avoid confrontation usually. I kept having visions of him coming over to me and opening my car door and me getting out and giving him all of everything.

So that's that.

Went to see CPN today. Was quite weird. She has a student with her who has been there the past couple of times. She has usually remained quite quiet and observed but today she took over at first. I didn't like it. I don't know her and felt really weird answering her questions. I could tell she was nervous as she kept looking over to Beth for validation in what she was doing but I just couldn't engage with her.

So anyway, when Beth took over she asked me about the experiences. I told her about them and she told me what the psychologist had thought it was and she was in agreement. That basically lack of sleep and extra stress is causing it. I said I didn't feel stressed and we talked about stress a bit and it seems as though I have my terminology of it wrong. I said I feel stress to be when I have assignments due in, no money loads of outgoings and no time etc. She said that was a common thought of it but they meant mental anguish and that the mental anguish I am under is also seen as stress. I said ok, I could probably agree with this. She asked me if I would like to see the doctor for a diagnosis. I asked what the point was. She said he's a doctor he diagnoses and we can only give out opinion of what is happening. So I said, you and the psychologist if you are both saying you think it is caused by the same thing, you are both mental health professionals I don't see the point in seeing the doctor. I don't want to see him. She said she doesn't think it's a psychotic illness, I've not been drinking or doing drugs so is not to do with that so the only other cause is because of stress and lack of sleep. So I just said OK that's fine.

I also asked about the whole confidentiality thing once I move out. She said if is seen as life threatening and I won't do anything about it then it will probably be that they would look to do a MHA assessment and nearest relative would be informed anyway as you do with a MHA assessment. She said if I informed them of something it would be taken back to the MDT and they would decide as as team what would be the next step. So basically it still looks like I can't talk about exactly how serious the self harm has been these past few weeks as I'll end up having a MHA assessment.

Not that it really matters anyway as I plan on ending things pretty soon and I will only be seeing the psychologist once more and the OT once more. I shouldn't have to see anyone after that.

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

3 Years.

Today marks 3 years since GOM and I broke up for good. Since he kicked me out the house saying in front of his Mum who I loved like my own that he was too scared to be in the house on his own with me. A load of crap. He was just saying it for effect. Pissed me off big time.

Anyway though. 3 whole years. I can't believe what has happened in those three years and I wonder if they would be any different had I still have been with him. I am not saying I blame the break up on my break down as I was ill before we broke up. Not to the extent I needed to be in hospital but on medication and had seen psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors. I do put some blame on my illness of being the cause of us breaking up as it made the relationship hard and he didn't understand.

I do think about him a lot. So much so I wonder if I am over him. I don't know. It's hard. Have I let go. Is the interest I have in his relationships truly because he was my best friend and I do want him to be happy? I know some of it I compare myself to his new girlfriend and see ways in which I am better than her to make myself feel better.

I have dreams about him. Quite a bit recently. When we first broke up I dreamt about him loads and then it tailed off but they have started again. I dream we get back together or hook up and I can't tell anyone as I am too ashamed of what I have done. What does this mean?

I wouldn't get back together with him. Not a chance. I know the relationship was not a good even relationship and I am better off out of it. But I can't help thinking we broke up in the February in the September that's when I got ill again in that cycle again. I had had a pretty stable year before that. But another reason why I wouldn't want to get back with him is I wouldn't want him to see all the new scars. To question me or to know I spent a year in a psychiatric hospital, 8 months of that on a PICU. Basically prison. I would never want his family to know.

I've not had a relationship since him. Yeah, there has been guys who I have dated a few times and I was seeing Vince for a while before I was sectioned back in the summer of 2011. But no one I have thought, yeah, I could fall in love with you. Maybe it's because he was my first love and I knew with him straight away that I could fall in love with him.

But then. It's been three years now. I really shouldn't be thinking so deeply about all this. I should be totally over it shouldn't I. Three years is a long time to pass.

It's stupid isn't it?

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

I Think They're On To Me.

Maybe I am being paranoid, maybe I'm not. I get my prescriptions on a complete repeat from the pharmacy. Meaning that the pharmacy collects the repeat and then issues it. So I don't have to bother making a trip to the docs to hand in the repeat script, then go back again to pick up the new one. i just go to the pharmacy to collect my meds. Last month I was told they would be ready on the 6th. So last week I went to go get them and they then told me that they were not due til the 11th. I went in today, the 12th and they said that they had the script but the doctor had said they would not sign it as it was not yet due to be issued as I should have a few left. I told them I had ran out, a lie so the pharmacist had to go see the doc to get it signed.

I think they are on to me as to what I have been doing. For the past few times I have been getting my scripts earlier and earlier and stockpiling the meds left over. I think my team has informed my doctor that I am deteriorating and I have a plan so they are being mindful of what drugs they give me. I've noticed the date the pharmacist has given me to go collect the next batch will be the day I am supposed to completely run out so I won't be able to get them earlier.

It doesn't really matter though as I have enough now and I have a date as well.

I saw my OT yesterday and it was a bit of a waste of time. She keeps asking me what I am doing with my time and I don't really know what to say. I don't know what I am doing with my time. It just seems to pass and I am not doing anything in particular. I have had no meaning in my life now since July 2011 when I was last at uni. Nothing to get up for, nothing to work towards. But if I am honest. It doesn't bother me. I don't feel the need to have any meaning in my life. I can't see the point in getting out of bed in the morning or doing anything and it doesn't bother me that I feel that way. I suppose that is the depression though isn't it. People have said to me that I must feel like I am going mad (I am already there and have been a while) not having any meaning and that they couldn't live their life like that. That sure a few days of doing nothing at first is nice but after a while they get sick of it. I'm not like that. I can't face doing anything at the moment. I can't commit to anything.

I was supposed to be doing some volunteering work. But that is the last thing on my mind at the moment. I can't do it. I have no interests in anything at the moment. No interest in any kind of life. It's pretty sad really. And I do feel bad. I am getting all these benefits. Soon it will be around £1400 a month if you include housing benefit and council tax benefit yet what do I give back. Nothing. I am a drain on society. I should be doing something to give it back instead of being me. People go out to work and pay their taxes so I can do nothing!!! It won't be for much longer I suppose. But I still feel bad about it. I can't even really say that I have made much of a contribution towards it in the tax that I have paid as I don't think I have paid as much tax as I have claimed in the last year or so on benefits. Most of my jobs have been part time and low paid so you don't pay much tax. I am just a drain. If it wasn't for me the NHS would be in a better position. Hours wouldn't be being cut from people who want to work and help others. Those others being people who can get and will get better and will benefit from the resources that are being put in.

I have read that the cost of Quetiapine per 25mg is £6.08. I take 200mg a day. So in a month that's £680. To order depakote online it would cost £120 for a months supply and the lofepramine £58. Of and then there's my Metformin which is around £10 per month. Do I pay anything towards this. No. I don't even have to pay the £7.65 NHS prescription costs for each item. As you can see I am a drain!

I am not getting better. I am just taking up resources. I have an OT, a CPN, a Psychiatrist, a Psychologist. I'm am a joke!

Friday, 8 February 2013

Calling For Help

I called my CPN today and said I needed something to make me sleep. She said she knew I was struggling and arranged for a prescription of zopiclone to be sent to my GP so I could go collect it. 2 hours later I have 7 Zopiclone in my hands. As easy as that. As if they had been waiting for me to ask. As if they had been waiting for me to do something about it. And the CPN said I should call if I need her so I know she has been reading my notes. But still nothing over the experiences. Maybe they'll go away once I start sleeping properly. Maybe that is what they are wanting to try first and they were waiting on me taking the first step.

My parents were supposed to go away this weekend. I wasn't planning anything major. Just some pretty deep cutting and being left on my own. I had got worked up for it. It's why I didn't mention anything about them going away to the psychologist or anyone else in case they said something to them. But my parents haven't gone. And I can't help thinking that something has been said to them and that's why they haven't gone. All I wanted was this weekend on my own. I wasn't planning on taking my life. Not this weekend. I have other plans for that. But, I just wanted the time on my own.

It's only two weeks now until I have my own place.

One thing the psychologist asked me to consider yesterday was a place called The Retreat in York. I spent well over an hour reading about it yesterday. It's a therapeutic community. I know I wouldn't last two minutes in a place like that and I am better doing things on my own. As soon as I am put under rules and guidelines I crumble. Being in a place like that, even though it's not under the MHA would lead to me getting worse. And I actually think it would end up with me under the MHA again. It's something that can happen looking at the literature. It's really not for me. I was quite surprised he even suggested it. I thought he knew me and what I was like. Maybe, he hadn't read what it was all about, or maybe he doesn't know me that well. But I think it's something I will bring up with him next time I see him. In a jokey way. The only way I would ever consider that would be if I was on a section and that was the only way of getting off it. But it's really not for me.

And so tonight. I have had my first drink in about 6 weeks (since new year) and I have taken a sleeping pill. If that doesn't make me sleep tonight I don't know what will. Maybe not a good combination but it is not like I have OD'd on them or had over excessive amounts of alcohol. Just a bottle of wine. Maybe that is excessive to most people. Not to me though. Was nice. Oh, how I have missed wine!

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Commitment To Live.

That's what I was asked for today. He then kind of took it back saying it was probably too much to ask for. I agreed and said I didn't want to live but I was trying my hardest and he said that was good enough for him.

So we talked about me moving out in to my own place. He hit the nail on the head straight away about how I was feeling about it. He didn't ask me if I was excited or anything and just said are you nervous. I said yes and that I was really anxious about it. I told him how I had lived on my own before and it didn't really go that well as I was self-harming and overdosing a few times a week and I could see that happening again as of the way I was feeling now. I also asked him about how the confidentiality thing would work once I moved out. In that if I informed him of something that could be deemed life endangering would they then have to inform my parents. He said he didn't think so as at the moment the only reason they were doing that was because my parents were classed as my carers and I live with them and they would be informing them so that they could be on the look out for any deterioration in my health. He said me asking that made him anxious and he asked me if he should be pushing for more from me as he didn't really like leaving it at that. I think he meant he felt there was something I was not telling them now and he was worried about it. He's right though. I'm not telling them quite a bit. I'm really down playing the self harm and not told them that I'm regularly swallowing stuff.

We talked more about the self harm and the dangers of it. I said it was only superficial. He said even so I was taking risks in that I could unintentionally die by taking things too far or by infections etc. He asked if I was bothered by that and I said I wasn't at the moment as I wanted to die anyway.

I explained how at the moment living at home offers me some kind of control as I can't do anything to end my life as I would be found. And I can't seriously cut like I want to as it's not as though I can disappear in the middle of the night to the ED or even the next day without it raising questions on where I have been. When I was at uni I was able to use the excuse of going to the library or going in to uni when I was really going to the ED to get stitched up. Now I don't work, all my friends work during the day so me going out raises questions. I know I won't have that control once I move out. I said I can disappear a lot more easily when I live on my own making it a lot easier for me to end my life.

He said I need to look forward to something and plan something so he said I should organise a flat warming for when I move in. At first I didn't really like the idea of it as I am not in any mood for partying or being around lots of people. But the more I have thought about it the more I think why not? But not in a good way. I am now thinking of it as my going away party. A chance for me to see my close friends before I do it. So I have sent out the invites on facebook to my close friends inviting them over for drinks and nibbles. Then once that has been done with a couple of days later when I know I am not going to be disturbed for a few days and not missed until it's too late I can do what I need to do.

We also talked about low secure again. He asked me if I thought I should have gone and if I thought they had let me down by not pushing for it more. I said not. But then I said I hated the idea of it so much and was determined I didn't want to be there that that probably clouded my judgement on whether or not I should have gone. He said something that surprised me kind of that was along the lines of he thought maybe they should have pushed it more and that I should have gone. I asked why he thought that and he said so that he wasn't having to worry all the time about me. And that he felt that the doctor, my CPN and him haven't seemed to be doing much good for me if I am self harming as often and planning my own death still. I don't know if he has a point. But I said I wouldn't see him if I didn't think I was getting anything from it and that he should know by now I don't do anything I don't want to do or don't think is beneficial to me. He asked me to consider DBT again and I said no. He then went on to tell me what it would be like in low secure if I was to go there and how I would be expected to partake in group work etc. It kinda got me worried as if they had been discussing it again.

We talked about the experiences I have been having and I said they were pretty much the same and told him about seeing the snake the other night. He asked me what I had been doing just before and I said I had been looking for furniture online. He thinks it's down to being under a lot of stress and not sleeping and that I should consider asking for some sleeping tablets. I don't have any now. I am not even sure if they work for me but I think I may call my CPN tomorrow and ask her to get some from the doctor for me. It takes about 3 weeks to get in at my GP so can't really see the point in going down that route. I hope it is just that I am not sleeping. But the not sleeping has only been the last couple of weeks and these experiences started before that. So I can't see it being that. So I am worried about it. But then on the other hand I should only have to put up with it for a few more weeks now anyway.

We also discussed him carrying on seeing me. He asked if I would like to continue to see him and I said yes. When I was first discharged from hospital we said only until March that I would see him. That was because I was planning on going travelling. But he said now that is not happening he would if I wanted continue to see me. He said he would continue to see me every two weeks at the moment but from April his hours are being cut down to 3 days a week, which must really suck, bloody NHS and their funding. So it may have to be less often from then. He asked me what I thought of monthly and I was honest and said at the moment I didn't think that it would be enough. So we agreed at the moment to stick with the every two weeks.

Because he is on annual leave I will not be seeing him now for 3 weeks. So I will be moved in to my new place by then. It will also probably be the last time I see him anyway. I tried to avoid the subject of my plans as I didn't want him to think that as soon as I move out I have it all planned. I think if he knows that I will end up back in hospital for sure. So I am keeping quiet on that front.

We also discussed my blog and the forums I use. He asked me what advice I give to other people. I said how I would never encourage someone else to end their life and would always tell them to reach out. I said I knew I sounded hypocritical but I can never follow my own advice as as soon as is me experiencing it it feels totally different. Does that make sense?

And that's about it. Well it's what I can remember of today's appointment.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Still Not Sleeping

I've started on the Depakote and Lofepramine again but not the Quetiapine. I'm still not sleeping. Had about 3 hours the last few nights running. I can't cope with it. I get mega anxious and have panic attacks for no reason when I can't sleep. My mouth is covered in ulcers as I have been grinding my teeth none stop and has been catching my gums, so that's pretty sore.

I am seeing the psychologist again tomorrow. I am a bit worried about it after what I told him last time about how I have been seeing things that aren't there and smelling things that aren't there and just having these weird experiences. It makes me worried to drive. I have been avoiding driving at night as that is when it tends to happen. I have had a couple during the day but it's mostly at night. I am worried if I am seeing things that aren't there I could swerve or brake suddenly causing other people danger. I am worried as to what these experiences mean. Does it mean I need to be in hospital? Do I need medicating. I can't really see much point in telling him I didn't take my medication for a week, it doesn't change anything. He said he was going to get someone to be in contact with me regarding what I told him and no one ever did. So I'm glad about that.

The latest new experience I have had is yesterday I was laying on my bed. It was about 10pm and I saw this snake slither out my wardrobe and across my floor towards the window. I am totally phobic of snakes and run a mile if I see one and my heart rate doubles if I so much as see a picture of one. So this terrified me. I was too scared to move and it wasn't until it just disappeared that I knew it wasn't really happening. But at the time I thought it was real. There was no reasoning that it couldn't be real and that I was seeing things. It was real to me and it was horrible.

I am still planning. I have it pretty much set in stone now. I don't have an exact date but it should be mid March some time. It should go un-noticed until it's too late so in a way it's perfect. I am not allowing myself to drink anything until then as when I drink I get impulsive. I've not had a drink since New Years so that shouldn't be too hard. Part of the reason I haven't had a drink is I know how impulsive I can be and I don't want to do anything that would cause me to have to go to the ED at hospital and explain things. It's a one way ticket to hospital. Psych Hospital. And I'm not going back there. Ever.

So I'm quite worried about tomorrow. I am worried if I tell him it's still going on, that I am having obsessions about death, have been holding a knife to myself as I am still obsessing about stabbing myself that he is going to think I should be in hospital. I don't know if he knows that being at home with my parents does give some kind of boundaries to me in that I am less likely to do something. So I am a bit weary of telling him I am moving in 2 weeks. He'll put 2 and 2 together and get 4. I'm sure of it.

Will write again soon after the appointment to say how it went.


Saturday, 2 February 2013

Sleep and My Ex

I am sick of not sleeping. I went to bed at around 11 last night and didn't get to sleep til around 05.30am and woke at 09.30am. I can't survive on only 4 hours sleep. I am lucky I got that I suppose. I have been averaging around 3 hours a night since I stopped taking the medication. I don't know if it's because I have not been taking the medication of if I am extra anxious at the moment.

I have news on the flat. It's mine and I have a move in date for the end of this month. I have a plan for once I am moved in so I don't know why I am getting really worried about moving in and getting sorted with furniture etc. It's making me really anxious. I need everything as the place is unfurnished, and I don't have anything, and next to no money to buy anything. It's really getting to me and I don't know why. Maybe I am having some ambivalence towards my plan. I have been told before I am quite ambivalent in that I don't care if I live or die. Maybe having a plan is giving me some peace and I know it's there should I need it. Who knows.

In other news, and it's been a hell of a while since I talked about him but, I have found out today that my ex GOM is no longer engaged to the girl he started going out with just after me and now he is going out with someone else by the looks of it. This will sound weird but that news made me feel quite sad. Well maybe not sad. But weird. I don't know why. Maybe, this is going to sound kind of big headed but I knew the person he was engaged to as I called her LD, was the total opposite to me. I had friends who met her and said that they didn't like her as she seemed boring and really had nothing about her. Even GOM's best friend said he couldn't stand her and didn't want to see GOM as she was always with him. So of course this made me feel a lot better about things. It wasn't as though we broke up and he went for someone else the same as me. But on the other hand if he was engaged to her she obviously made him happy. She was what he wanted and now the way I feel about him I just want him to be happy. I kind of still care about him, but I think that's understandable when you spent 9 years with someone from being 17. My friend said today she saw him walking along holding hands with someone else. So we did some facebook stalking and worked out who this new girl was. My friend said she was really scruffy and had messy weird hair that looked like it needed a good wash. Anyway, we think she's about 20. He's 33. Most guys dream. But I find it quite sad. Especially as when we were together and we were younger he always said by the time he was 30 he wanted to have settled down and have kids. Most 20 year old girls aren't going to want that are they. Most want other things first. It's all very new anyway as they have only been friends on facebook within the last month so who knows. But I find it quite sad anyway.

I am in contact with his sister again and am dying to ask her but I don't dare. I've not seen her since we broke up which is 3 years ago in a couple of weeks. But we have said once I move she will come over for a few drinks and a catch up so maybe I can get it out of her then.

I don't really know what all this means about how I think about it. Maybe I am reading too much into it. I know I would never get back together with him. We weren't right for each other and was a volatile sometimes violent relationship and if you can cause someone to get like that then it's not good. I mean both ways here. I wasn't a good girlfriend either. I cheated on him when things weren't good between us. We broke up and got back together all the time. I don't even know if these times I slept with someone else were when we were in out broken up phases. But even when we were broken up we still lived together and shared the same bed, or saw each other a few times a week and stayed over at each others. So we were never really broken up properly. I think it says it all if that before him I had slept with 3 people. By the time we were broken up I was at 10. 6 other people in those 9 years we were together. I really am an awful person. I hate myself for it. Maybe if I hadn't have taken him for granted so much things would have worked out differently and we wouldn't have lost the respect for one another. Or maybe if I was truly in love with him and it was a good relationship I wouldn't have slept with those other people.

Any way. I don't want to dwell on it.

So I think I am going to start taking my medication again. I don't think it does anything for me mentally but I think it makes me sleep. I'll try it tonight see what happens.

Friday, 1 February 2013

How Things Have Been

Shutter Island really isn't the book to read if you are questioning your own sanity. Really made me paranoid. More paranoid. But in some ways it's a good sign that I have been able to read a book as it is something I have not been able to do in a long time. I really struggled at first but once I got in to it I remembered how much I do like reading and how getting in to a book can take you away from reality. Which at the moment is what I need.

Things are still pretty much the same with me. Still having the same feelings and plotting and planning. Still not taken any medication. I am sleeping better though. A bit anyway. I am not needing the 12 hours plus a night and I have not been binging on food. But, I suppose if the medication was doing anything and I am doing the wrong thing by stopping it I am not going to notice if things get worse for a while as it won't happen for a couple of weeks once it's all out my system. But, I stand by in thinking that it's not doing any good for me anyway and that it doesn't work. So we'll see there. I don't see how things could get much worse anyway.

That's about it really. I have barely left my room in the last week so I have nothing new to report.