More On Yesterday's Post.

I wanted to talk more about how I feel and yesterday's post. I couldn't write all I wanted to as I did it from my phone and I have fat fingers so can't use the querty key pad so I do it on the numeric pad and it takes ages.

Anyway, I wanted to write down my feelings more so I can make sense of them. I went to see Sam today and I said I was feeling low and the thoughts of suicide were coming in thick and fast. I explained how I hadn't made a plan but I had thought of a few different methods that I could use. I also said I thought that a lot of this was because I feel as though I have no purpose.

Currently I don't do anything at all during the day. I have no purpose. But I feel as though I am in a vicious circle. I talked at length with Sam about this as I feel as I get lower the less I want to do anything about it. I said that the thoughts make me feel angry and sad. These thoughts and feelings usually lead to behaviours, and if you have read my blog in the past you know what these behaviours are. I feel unmotivated at the moment as I do feel low. Being unmotivated means I stay in bed til lunch time and don't do anything during the day unless someone makes me. This will be my mum making me get showered and dressed or having appointments I need to attend. The feeling of not having purpose comes from not being at uni.

When I was at uni I felt I had some purpose in life in that I was learning so that eventually I could give something back. It gave me structure, it gave me routine, it gave me some sense of achievement when I passed assignments or got positive feedback on something I'd done. Although the course was not without it's stress it was something I enjoyed. And it's been taken away from me. So yeah, I know and I have been told by numerous people that it's quite normal that I feel low.

I have thought about volunteer work so I feel as though I do have some purpose and I can give something back to society but if I am truthful I don't want to do it. I don't feel as though I can do it at the moment. I know I will need to get some paid employment eventually but again at the moment I don't feel as though I could hold a job down. Not with my lack of motivation and lack of concentration.

So there is the circle. I don't have the energy to help myself at the moment and so it makes me feel worse.

I had a phone call from Beth earlier (my CPN/CCO if you had forgotten who she is), I am still seeing her on a weekly basis, she has referred me to OT in the community. They are coming with her tomorrow to see what they can offer me. But again, I have the feeling of not wanting to do anything. I had planned what I wanted to do and it was taken away from me and I don't want to do anything else. I know I need to take responsibility for how I am feeling and not let it spiral again, but I don't think I can.

I am also feeling shit about the medication I have to take at the moment. It's a ball ache sorting it all out. It wasn't so bad when I was in hospital as all I would have to do is go collect it and swallow it but doing it myself is just annoying. I also think the Sodium Valporate is causing me to have extreme nausea. It's terrible. For the past week I have been getting it really bad in the afternoon and throughout the evening. It has a big effect on me and it makes me not want to take it. The whole thing with medication makes me not want to take any of it and I have considered just stopping taking it. Part of me thinks fuck it why bother with it as eventually you'll kill yourself anyway but then there is part of me that knows that it works. The SV has worked at stabilising my mood out. The lofepramine brought me out of the deep depression I was in when I was first admitted. But it's too much. I am on 3 different psychiatric drugs plus my contraceptive pill and the medication I am supposed to take 3x a day for PCOS. I rattle. I don't want to be on all this medication.

Most of it at the moment is I don't want to help myself. But I don't know why. I don't have the confidence that I can help myself. I don't want to end up in hospital again. More because what it will do to my family than me. For me being in hospital is an easy way to self harm and attempt. But, I know that my family will be devastated if I have to go back in again.

Sam was saying I needed to help myself and I was explaining to her since being in hospital and then being told I needed to stop my course over the next year it had really knocked my confidence and I didn't feel as though I could do it. I became quite tearful which is a regular occurrence at the moment.

I know what I need to be doing, but I don't think I can. But what does that mean for me?

Discharged

I am no longer under section. Yay! The PDoc took me off it today when I went in after leave. So I am happy about that. I was totally honest with doc. I said I was having more suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm, however, I hadn't self harmed, but I felt that this was more to not having the opportunity to, not because I was making the conscious decision or making the conscious effort not to.

He said it was expected that I would be having more thoughts and struggling as my structure has been taken away and I don't know what's going to happen. He said when I am a person who doesn't really plan too far in to the future because I don't know where I will be with moods it is going to be hard for me to have to wait a year before being allowed to go back to uni.

Being at uni was the thing that gave me structure to my life. I had something to concentrate on. I have voiced my concerns that without this in place I will sink back and end up in a vicious downward spiral. The doc agreed with me and said that it is critical that I work with the community OT because of it giving me some structure. Beth is getting something set up with community OT for me so that something will be in place.

At the moment I am finding it really hard to do most things for myself. If I am told to go to an appointment I will get up and shower and go. But to do things for myself, then I am struggling. I have had a few PJ days where I haven't showered, brushed my teeth or done anything with myself. It's gross really. My mum has had a go at me for it also.

I do feel my mood has dipped in the last couple of weeks. I can't say I am in a depressive episode as I don't think I am. It worries me that it could be the start of one and maybe the sodium valporate isn't working after all. But, I suppose the PDoc is right in what he says. It is to be expected. Being told I couldn't go back to uni this year has hit me really hard which is a normal reaction when someone has worked so hard to get on the course and then worked hard while they have been on it.

So I am going to be under Dr T again. I am really not happy about this. I don't like him. I feel that he doesn't listen to me and he changes what I say. He will tell me I am feeling feelings I am not and ignores the ones I am. I was seeing him on a monthly basis before I was admitted and I suppose in a way I kind of feel let down by him especially as I did share with him things were getting worse for me and I was having strong suicidal thoughts. But, saying that, I know I have to take responsibility for it myself. It was my decision to try and kill myself and I did not do all I could to stop me taking those steps. In this I mean that I was not honest with people and I did not work with Crisis team. So I can't say I blame him.

There is a support plan in place for me, I'm not exactly sure what it is though. I don't know how often I will be seeing Beth or Dr T. I have been proactive in one thing though. I have made an appointment to see Sam again. I am looking forward to seeing her as I really like her. I feel as though I have a good relationship with her. I will miss her when she goes on maternity leave.

If I am honest I am feeling a little lost at the moment. Not sure why, but it's how I feel. I think maybe I became institutionalised slightly. It was weird walking out for the last time today. Hopefully I am heading in the right direction. I have been told I am (and I have been honest with them), I just feel different and am kinda worried I'm not. I have this feeling deep down that something is not right. I suppose it's something to talk about with Sam when I see her on Wednesday.

For now though...I'm off to bed!

I Wish I Hadn't Said Anything

Went to see Sam earlier. She asked me what was going through my head. I told her. She asked if I had a plan and I said I did. But I wouldn't tell her anymore. I couldn't. I said I hadn't even written about it on here. And I haven't. It's my thing that I keep to myself. She asked what I was scared of and I said being stopped. Sam had actually said for us to get anywhere I would need to tell her about it and I said I couldn't. I said to her I was more scared of going in to hospital than I was of dying. So she said she couldn't just leave it at that and she would need to speak to The Directors and also Crisis Team. Shit!

She asked what I was worried and that in me telling her shows I have come a long way. I don't feel like it. I said I was worried about her breaking confidentiality. She rationalised with me saying that before when she had to break it, it was all ran past me first and she wouldn't do anything behind my back. In her breaking it last time in the long run it was for my advantage as uni were aware and I got extenuating circumstances on work etc. She explained that although I may not feel like it's in my best interests that it would be (personally I still can't see it).

So we talked about it for quite a while and I was trying not to cry. She said we needed to formulate a plan. She had written up previously a pros and cons sheet of the CAT team and of counselling...

Here is what I came up with...

CAT Team Pros.

- Medication
- Referrals to other services if needed. EG - Clinical Psychology and CPN.

Cons

- He ( as in Dr T) will tell me I am feeling something I am not
- Impersonal and Clinical
- Can't really talk about feelings and thoughts
- Can be challenging
- Get frustrated and pissed off with it
- Don't feel as though I am being listened to
- Come away feeling worse than before
- Get the feeling my thoughts and feelings are being ignored
- He invalidates my feelings
- He will ignore bits of what I am telling him ( last time I told him I had suicidal thoughts)
- Information I tell people gets misinterpreted or they are informed wrong.

Counselling Pros

- Have my feelings validated
- Being able to discuss feelings without feeling abnormal
- I have a good relationship with Sam
- I can be more open and honest with Sam than I can with anyone.
- Sam can read how I am feeling.
- It feels as though someone understands how I feel.
- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings

Cons

- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings

So while I was coming up with these Sam was on the phone. She called Beth (the/my CPN who is now my CCO). Beth said she wanted to speak to me so she then arranged to call me on my phone. She called me on my mobile while I was with Sam. She said Sam was really worried about me. She asked me lots of questions. She asked why I had told Sam. I said I didn't really tell her but she asked if I was still feeling the same and if I had a plan. And I just said yes. I said to Beth that I wish I hadn't said anything. She asked me if I would be willing to meet with her and the Crisis team today and I said I didn't really have a choice in it so I would.

Anyway, Beth called Crisis Team and said someone from Crisis team and herself would be at my house for 4pm. It was 3.25pm and in town still with Sam. Sam said to me she was more than worried about me and she cared about me a great deal. She said we had a good relationship and she cared about what happened. So on the way out Sam gave me a hug and told me it would be ok and things will work out if I work with people. Sam is an amazing person and she ended up cancelling appointments so that she could spend more time with me this afternoon.

 So a rush in to Tesco to get some cigs and then rushed home. Managed to get home and get the dirty pots moved and some air freshener sprayed around. I just thought of some of the houses I visited on my first placement and thought anything is an improvement on those, so they had probably seen a hell of a lot worse.

So Beth turns up with a guy from Crisis team called Matt. He was quite cute actually. Embarrassing.

Beth did most the talking at first. She asked what was going off and how long I had felt like this so I explained to her I had been feeling depressed since the failed attempt, but, I had been having suicidal thoughts for a long time. She asked why I had agreed to meet them if I was so intent on my plans. I said that if I didn't feel as though I had much choice as I would imagine that if I didn't agree they would send the police and they would make me go to hospital on a 136 if I was out when they found me or get a 135 so they could do a MHA. She asked me what I thought the outcome of the MHA would be and I said if I had said what I had said to them and said to them that I could make no guarantees about keeping safe then I would be sectioned.

She asked me if I would consider going in to hospital on an informal basis and I said no. She asked why and I said I had worked in the local big hospital and knew staff and was no way I could go there. She then said they could get an out of area bed and I still said no. I knew what the wards were like, noisy, busy, not nice places. No space for myself, shared rooms, lots of people asking questions. My idea of hell. I need my own space. I can't imagine anything worse than being there in hospital.

They said that they were probably looking at a MHA as I couldn't guarantee that I would be ok until Friday. I said it wasn't in my plans to but I was struggling to hold it together at the moment. I still wouldn't tell them when my plans were. They kept going on and on at me saying that if I was unwilling to work with them then they would be getting people for MHA. I said calling Crisis Team hadn't worked so that was why I didn't want to work with them. I said I wouldn't be calling them again.

I don't know why I just can't lie. Why can't I tell them that "yup, I will call them, I don't have plans anymore etc etc etc". I think it's because lies take effort and energy. Effort and energy I don't have. I don't have the energy in me to hide it. I don't want people involved.

I kept saying over and over how I shouldn't have said anything. I wished I could just be left to get on with things. Beth said that I had said it now and they had a duty of care etc etc etc. That it couldn't be ignored.

Matt asked me a few questions like how long I had been feeling like this, and was backing up what Beth was saying.

They kept asking if I would go informally and I said no.

Anyway, they then said that they needed to have a chat and call a few people so they left the house for a few minutes. I was certain, because I wasn't going to commit to working with them as I have lost my inability to lie that they would come back in saying I needed to have a MHA. But...

They came back in saying that they didn't feel putting me through a MHA would be beneficial to me (as it would probably end up putting me under section) and that I needed to work with them. They said it was my choice whether or not I complied with them. I said I didn't want to and what would happen if I didn't. They didn't say much just that they would cross that bridge if it came to it.

They asked what I would do for the rest of the day and said I should try and do some uni work. I said I didn't really care about that anymore as the only plans I had were to die. I really keep digging myself a hole don't I? I have lost all my fight. I have become the nightmare patient.

Matt asked about my sleeping and I said it wasn't great. He asked last time I had sleeping pills. I said the last time I was prescribed them was about two years ago, but the last time I had them was in Asia last year where you can get them over the counter. I said I didn't have any left. He said he would contact the on call doctor and get some for me. He said it may not be tonight but he would get some arranged.

So they went. Thankfully. I didn't know what else to say. The whole time they were here I couldn't look them in the eye when talking to them. I was reserved, quiet and not like me. I was nervous, I was terrified.

So he has arranged to come out on Friday morning at 10am. He said I need to keep myself safe until then. And call them.

He phoned me again about an hour after they left and said that he was not able to get the zopiclone for tonight but he would get them tomorrow and he would phone me tomorrow and arrange to drop them round.

So how do I feel about it all? I really wish I had not said anything, I feel paranoid that they are going to arrange a MHA and not tell me. Cos to be quite honest if they did I am out of here. I know I would not pass one. I would do a runner and go live in my car somewhere until it's time to go ahead with the plan. So I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't say anything and arranged it. I am expecting a knock at my door any time. But I still have my plans. I am planning on carrying them out just as I planned to. Then none of this will matter!

I Have A Lot To Say, I'm Just Not Sure How To Say It.

I've had a week off from blogging as I was away. I missed it. I felt the need to write. Especially as the week was far from relaxing and in the end I could not wait to get home. That's not to say I hated it all. I had a nice time with my brother and his family, but my Dad ruined it for me.

There have only been two people in my life that have been able to make me regress back to a moody teenager. That's Gom and my Dad. The arguments I have with my Dad that make me want to pick something up and throw it at him. I was the same with Gom. I did used to throw things at him though, but he did it to me also. There were a few times with Gom where he would retaliate and throw something back or hit me back also. Those times I probably deserved it. But there were times where he would throw something at me (numerous occasions) or when he would hit me first, or not as what could possibly be classed self defence. Those times only happened on about 4 occasions. The first time I did call the police. I was hysterical as of what he had done and it was me that they threatened with a Section 5. It was me that had to leave the house, as Gom owned it. Gom was calm and rational with them. I wasn't. And I wasn't going to bring charges against him. It was around the time I first started self harming so I had a feeling that if the police got wind of that in their investigations then I would be made to look the irrational, crazy one with a temper and emotional issues. And, although I was scared for my safety at the time, I was more scared of losing him. I suppose that's pretty typical though.  A month or so after this happened I had a missed call and a voice mail from the police saying they had looked in to it and they would not be taking any further action and they didn't feel that I was at risk.

Anyway, that is not really relevant to where I was going with this post.

But my Dad, he infuriates me so much. He is a chauvinistic pig who believes that everyone should run round after him. He talks to people like shit and if he upsets them then it's their problem and they should not be so sensitive. If someone upsets him, even with the truth, he will go in to a mood for days on end, being really off with all family members and has a every one is against me attitude. He drives me insane. The other day I was at my brothers camp site as I stayed with them for a few nights and he was there getting everyone running around after him. Not once did he get up and get his own drink. My brother got them all for him. He told me to go get him one and my brother stood up for me saying GP is not drinking so why should she go and run around after you. I said that right also, he told me to. Not ask. He has no respect for anyone. Then he layed in to me really loudly on the campsite saying I don't do anything for him, I am lazy and I will never get a boyfriend with the attitude I had. My brother kind of layed in to him for it saying he shouldn't speak to me like that and my Dad's attitude was I shouldn't be so sensitive and I should just deal with it.

My Dad is the same with my Mum. He wont do anything. If he wants something he will get my Mum to go get it for him. All you can hear is "get me this", "get me that", "just go there and get that". It drives me mad. I believe that relationships should be equal, not so one sided. I honestly don't know why my Mum hasn't left him as if he spoke to me like that all the time then I wouldn't stick around if I was his wife.

So it came to a head this morning and he layed in to me again. I just blew up at him saying he stood need to talk as he was the most chauvinistic person I had met and he needed to have a personality transplant as he was vile. He called me childish and told me to grow up. I slammed a door and walked off. If it wasn't for the fact I was relying on them for a lift to the airport I would have buggered off for the day. And the thing is when I am angry I cry. I can't contain it. I hate people seeing me cry as worry people will see it as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is in other people but I hate people to see me cry or to know I have been crying.

I called Sam when I got back to England. I still had a 6 hour travelling time a head of me. She had called me this morning as I had accidentally called her number Friday evening. It's the first number in my phone and the phone doesn't automatically lock. So she called me to check in that everything was ok. I called her back but it went to voice mail and I left a message explaining it was a mistake and I hadn't meant to call her at 10pm on a Friday evening. I also asked her in the voicemail if she could let me know what had been said in the last week with the different services involved.

She called me back quite quickly. The first thing she said was that I sounded really pissed off and down in my message. I explained to her that I was ill (because of my not sleeping at night for the past week and also being up at about 7am every morning, an drinking most nights (actually I left the drinking bit out), I have come down with a cold, it's quite normal for me to get colds and coughs when I have periods of not sleeping and being tired, I think my immune system must be lowered), I was pissed off as of the arguments that morning and I still had a lot of travelling to do. I said I just felt like I could break down crying. I tend to get more emotional when I am tired and ill. She said I could probably do with a good cry. I said that it probably wouldn't do me any favours to be sitting in a waiting room at International Airport and just break down in tears. I said I would probably get a few weird looks. She said go off and find a quiet corner and I said I don't do crying in public. I don't really do crying. Unless it's a film, TV or something like that, or if I am angry. I started to break down a bit on the phone and had to pull my self back.

So, the reason I actually started this post was to talk about the next bit. So sorry if you have gone through all this waffle to now. But I suppose I was just building a picture.

I told Sam that I had thought a bit about the attempt that I made two weeks ago. I said to her that I didn't feel any different and I was still feeling a lot of regret that it didn't work. Which is true. I didn't tell her I am making more plans and I have a day in mind. She asked me if I could go in to a counselling session on Wednesday. I thought she was away on holiday for the next few weeks. Obviously, over the phone is not a good place to be talking about those feelings. Especially given that I was in an airport. So I am going to see her on Wednesday.

I feel as though I have so much to say, but I don't really know what to say and how to say it.

I do wish that my attempt had worked. I have said that much. But. I will do it again. I know when I will do it again also. But that kind of information is enough to get me locked up, so that wont be going any further. I wont lie to her if she asks me. I will ask her what the ramifications of me telling her if I was planning. But then not answer.

She said that what I was feeling about my day was pretty normal, as anyone would be pissed off and worn out with it all. But she said I should think about giving Crisis Team a heads up. I have been referred to them again and I have said that I would think about calling them before things got to that stage again. I have got a lot of people behind me now. But, I don't want them. I have the CPN again who has written to me saying from the end of August I will see her rather than Dr T as there is nothing else that he would do. Sam said she is going to take on the role of CCO. The CPN in the letter said that she had spoken to Sam and was apparent I was struggling at the moment. She said Dr T had made the referral to Crisis team should I need them so that they have relevant information. She has asked Sam to discuss with me what she as CPN can do and what I want her to do. But, if I did not need her or felt I couldn't use her or wanted to wait then that would be fine.

I also have the clinical psychologist working with Sam for me.

I said to Sam, in theory it's great. But I struggle to call in anyone when I should probably be calling them in. I won't talk to anyone. I even struggle to talk to Sam. What makes it easier with her is she can read my body language and tone and she knows how I am feeling. That makes it a bit easier with her when she will say, you look this are you feeling that. And usually she will be spot on and it makes it easier to discuss things. But. I know I should probably be open and honest about this next attempt. But, it's something I want to do. I don't want to be stopped. So I know, I am not going to call in anyone on it. I have all those people offering support but I can't seem to take it.

I think the only time I would possibly call on Crisis team is if I was struggling to hold on until my planned attempt date. I suppose though that that is not really what they are there for. They are there to be phone now, now when I am planning this and I should probably be stopped but I wont.

I have quite a lot of things worrying me at the moment also. That can't help really can it? I am ignoring quite big things as I can't deal with them. But they need dealing with. I need someone to take over my life for me. To organise me, There are a few pressing things that are quite urgent that need to be dealt with but I ignore it as I can't do anything about it. I can't deal with official things at the moment. It is something I could bring up with Sam. She may be able to offer me practicle advice. Although, I think I know what I need to do. And, what does it matter when I am planning on not being around to deal with it anyway.

This has turned in to a really long post so I am going to leave it there. And I am falling asleep with the lap top on my knee.

Night All...

xxx

I am so glad to be home and have my own space again. It's so nice having the house to myself. The quiet is lovely.

Letter From DPM to Dr T and GP

Here is a letter I have received from the person I saw from Psychological Medicine.

Dear Dr T,

I assessed GP on the ward at the hospital on the 20/07/11. She had been admitted at aprox 1am on the 19/07/11 following a planned suicide attempt. She told me she did not know how she had got to the hospital but the ED notes indicate she was found in a bus shelter by an ambulance crew after a phone call had been received by them. When she was found her GCS was 3 and remained at a lower consciousness level for approximately 10-11 hours after the event. GP told me she had the intent to die and once she had made the decision to attempt she felt calm and wanted it to work.

Mental Health History

GP told me she was under the care of the CAT team and the counselling service. She told me she is currently being treated with Quetiapine 400mg. She sees Sam at the counselling service for therapy sessions and was last seen on the 8/07/11 (the day of the attempt) by Dr T. She told me she self harmed about 5 times per month (it's actually a week, she got that bit wrong) by blood letting with a needle. However, she said that for the past 4 months she had been feeling "suicidal" and that her moods can drop for long periods of time. She told me she had attempted on Monday as she had the opportunity to do it whilst her parents were away. I believe GP has attempted a number of times in the past and she told me earlier this year she was placed on a S136 after telling people she was suicidal.

 Mental State

At the assessment GP appeared coherent, rational and was able to express her self well. She appeared reactive in mood and told me she had not been feeling depressed recently. She told me she is a Masters student and plans to be a mental health social worker and was up to date with her work. She told me she continues to have periods of what she describes as dysthymia, when her mood can drop for long periods of time and she will have more active suicidal thoughts. She described feeling that during periods of time when her family are with her she is more able to control and manages these thoughts, also she can distract herself by keeping busy with uni work. GP denied feeling depressed at the present time. GP told me the self harm thoughts can come on very quickly and create a sense of agitation and distress, she told me that once she had made the decision to act on the thoughts, she feels more calm and that once the decision has been made she cannot then control it. She told me she could "not guarantee" that she would not attempt again. She told me she had no active plan or intent to self harm again over the next few weeks as she planned to spend time with her brother and his family and had plans to go to France next week. She also had plans to finish her coursework and see her boyfriend (I don't know how many times I have said he is not my boyfriend but a guy I am seeing).

GP agreed that her risk of self harm remained high and she is aware of the risk of death due to her current self harm behaviour. We discussed the need for her to identify the triggers to her more serious self harm behaviour at an earlier stage and to use the resources available to her to try and prevent her acting on thoughts.

GP did not want to be admitted to hospital and was very keen to be discharged home as she had plans for the evening. She told me she does not want to use the Crisis team number as she finds it difficult to discuss her feelings over the phone. She plans to continue with therapy and is willing to see you at another out patient appointment.

As discussed with you the following plan was agreed with GP

1) GP has been given the number of the mental health crisis team and I have encouraged her to use this if she starts to have thoughts of serious self harm.

2) I advised her in the absence of doing she could also self present at the ED and ask to speak to our team.

3) I advised her to keep the next outpatient appointment with you.

4) Advised her to keep next counselling appointment and she agreed I could phone her worker to discuss the situation.

So that's it. I got the feeling she got a bit mixed up with some of the things I said but on the whole it's not too bad. I don't know where people get that I am agitated from. I don't think I have ever said that. Dr T thinks that also. I wish in a way they would just tape record the appointment and provide a transcript. That way things that I have never said wouldn't be put there.

Oh well.

It's My Decision

Sam said it's all up to me. She said I need to be calling people when I get it in my head I wanna do something. I can see where she's coming from, but, once it is in my head there is no getting rid of it. I am more bothered about the in between bits and making sure it doesn't get in my head in the first place. I said this to her earlier.

They had a meeting about me today. Sam, the CPN (who I think I saw 2 or 3 times) and the clinical psychologist who is supervising Sam. Sam knows most about me. I was quite guarded with what I told the CPN and I have never met the Clinical Psychologist. The CP is working through Sam. I was referred to her by Dr T. They decided because I have a good relationship with Sam that it doesn't make sense changing over to someone else. Makes sense really. Although this was all decided before I was made to tell uni and since then I have become more guarded with what I say.

The CPN is also on annual leave at the same time as Sam. Not that I would call her anyway. They wanted me to go see Dr T on the 1st of August but I don't get back until the evening. I have been told I need to ring the team I am under if things start going wrong. They are also going to make a referral to Crisis team again. I don't know if they will come and see me though. I know I won't call them. So I am pretty much in same position. I told Sam I still feel the same. I still want to die.

I have a new plan now also, but I have not said that. I can't help my self. I am not going to ask for help with it. I am not going to let people know I have plans. I have been told I need to try. I agreed, but I feel I was just saying the things people wanted to hear. Also, I couldn't really talk. I was in a kids play area and there were loads of people around. I don't know how to be honest. Especially when I feel like this as I know what I want. I do feel that the only way there is to keep me safe is to be locked up on high obs. But even then, I would probably find ways. I know tricks. You learn quite a lot working in psychiatric units with some of the most manipulative people I have ever met. I honestly believe being in a hospital would make things worse. I am not saying it as a threat. But, I realise it may sound like that. I have to be careful how I word it when speaking to people as I appreciate it may sound like that.

So why do I think it would be worse? Well at the moment, no one knows. Not the whole extent of things. In some ways that makes me have some control. In that there are only certain times when I attempt. If people were to know there would be no holding me back. It would also ruin me. There would be no way I could work in mental health. So what would I have then? At the moment, there is some tiny part that is holding on and wants a future. If that future would be ruined then I would have nothing. I know that probably sounds, actually I don't know how it sounds. But not good, a bit whiny and a bit "oh poor me".

At the meeting they have said they didn't want me in hospital. But, it doesn't mean it wont happen. And it doesn't mean I am not paranoid about it. I even rationalise with myself about what I write on here and suicide forum. I am paranoid that someone who I don't want reading it may read it. I wonder if someone like Sam had read it then if she could break confidentiality. It's not anything I have told her, so does it count as breaking confidentiality. She has said in the past if she was going to have to break it she would inform me first. At least that would give me a heads up. I could bring things forward or do a runner. I think I would probably end up doing a runner. Getting far away and doing what I need to do where I could be on my own. I'd probably go to the coast. I have a thing about the sea.

I know I wont be calling anyone about anything. I just need to say the right things. The thing is I have made my decision to have another go at it. So what's the point in calling someone now? I have made up my mind. What I need is someone to talk to when I don't feel like I want to kill myself. I need someone so I don't get to the suicidal point. But it's kind of passed all that now so I am not sure if anything can now be done. Probably not. I just need to keep saying the right things and be careful with what I say to people. But. Saying that. I won't be seeing anyone before the next attempt, so I need not worry really.

The other day Sam asked me if I wanted to carry on with the counselling. I think she had the idea that I wasn't going to go anymore. I suppose I have not been in a few weeks. I haven't really committed so it's probably where she got the idea from. I have only seen her once since the 8th of June. I am not going to see her until the middle of August. She said she knew something was going on the other week when I cancelled. I said it was that I was ill. I was in a way. I was tired and feeling a bit meh. Sometimes you just don't feel like talking.

Sam has been amazing. I feel she has gone above and beyond what she should be doing. I bet when she first met me she didn't expect to be the main support person, to liaise with everyone else, to be going to Psychiatrist appointments with me, to be going to meetings about me, to be helping me with uni stuff, to have someone from an external organisation supervising her and possibly changing the way she works. She has put so much time and effort in to me. It leaves me feeling really bad as I have been seeing her coming up to 9 months now and I don't seem to have improved. It's a charity that is not funded by NHS. If it was NHS and she was doing what she was doing it would be more understandable. But, she puts so much time in. She has just emailed me a letter now at 20.30 on a Friday night that asked her about. I decided I was going to apply for an extension on my essay and asked her if she would support me. So I get an email back from her so late. I feel bad for asking so much of her. Especially when I don't seem to give that much back. She is amazing. I never expected so much from someone and have got so much from her.

If you were in my position what would you do? Not what should I do and what is right, but what would you be doing?

I am Scared.

I think they have been discussing admission to hospital. I spoke to Sam earlier and she mentioned it. She said it had been discussed and asked my feelings on it. I honestly don't think that going in to hospital would make things any better. It would make things worse. I think Sam agrees with me. She said she is concerned and that if I couldn't keep myself safe, that would be an option.

She asked me if I was planning anything and my feelings after. I said I feel let down and disappointed. Partly in myself and partly because it didn't work. I said it was so easy and I came so close to succeeding that doing it again seems appealing. I feel the same in myself, I think I do anyway. I said I was thinking of doing it again and making another serious attempt but not in the next couple of weeks. I think I worried her. She said she was concerned as she is off on holiday when I get back and so I wont be seeing her for about a month now.

She asked me my feelings about Dr T. I said that I had told him I was having suicidal feelings again and they were not questioned. She asked me if I felt that he had not done his job properly. I said not necessarily, as I wouldn't have told him exact plans anyway so there was not a lot that he would have been able to do. I acknowledged that it's my doing. That I have to take responsibility for what I do. I said the only way to stop me once I made my mind up would be to put me in a straight jacket. And because I am so intent on not going to hospital I wouldn't say if I was planning anything any way.

The reason for doing it? Well because I sick and tired of there not being any change in my changing moods. I'll be ok for a while and then I will be low/depressed for a few weeks or I will go a bit hyper and elated. I can't see how any of it will change as I don't see any triggers of why things are like they are. People are telling me there are triggers and I just need to learn to see what they are but I can't.

So, tomorrow there is a meeting between the clinical psychologist, the CPN who I saw a couple of times and Sam. It's worrying me quite a bit that these people are getting together to discuss me. I've not said anything. I think Sam knows I have not been totally honest about my feelings. She says I have come on since starting counselling but personally I do not see it. She tells me different ways in which I have but, I still don't see it.

I hate the idea of people talking about me like tomorrow will be. But I hate even more being there when people talk about me. The meeting with Dr T and Sam was horrible. I felt put on the spot and really nervous. So I wouldn't want to be there anyway. Sam said she would call me after.

She wants me to have something in place while she is off. She thinks it may be good seeing the CPN for a bit longer but, I don't feel as though anything can help me right now. I know it will happen again. I don't know when exactly, but when I get back it will happen again. I was close, really close according to the woman from Psych Medicine. But, I don't know if they were just saying that. I wonder if I hadn't have been found if or when I would have died. I think my body would maybe have just have sorted it's self out.

Anyway, I am still quite ill from it all. I nearly passed out this morning. I was outside and as I stood from a squatting position everything went black and then started spinning. I had to hold on to something so I didn't hit the deck. I came inside and sat down for a bit until it passed but it did worry me a little. Then, I went to see the nurse today to have my blood pressure checked (for my contraceptive pill for the PCOS) and it was 186/105. It has never been that high. She took it a few times. I told her about the attempt and what happened this morning and she called through to the doctor. She asked quite a few questions. I explained how I had been feeling really sick all day and having dizzy spells. Anyway, they wouldn't let me go as it was so high. I don't get it. When I was in hospital it was always on the low side. They called the doc in hospital at one point as it was only 85/50. I was at the doctors all in all 2 hours. In the end it did come down, 115/72. I got a head ache while I was there and still felt sick. She said if I was to get any worse I was to call the out of hours doc tonight and if I was still the same tomorrow to get an emergency appointment. Don't know what they would do. I could see them sending me back to the hospital. So I think I will just grin and bear it. After all, if it is serious and does get me then that's just a bonus.

I am worried they are going to suggest Psych wards. I can't tell them I will not do it again. If I did they would know I was lying. I don't know what I can say to make it look better for me. They will know if I suddenly change my tune that something is not right.

I've got an essay to write by Sunday evening. Sam said I should get an extension but I can't really when I know I am going on holiday on Monday for a week. I can't say "can I have an extension as I am going on holiday for a week so can I have a 2 week extension". Doesn't look good does it. Also I just want it out the way. There's still that small part of me that wants to succeed in life also.

So tomorrow, Sam is going to call me and let me know what goes on. I will write again when I know more. But I kind of feel my fate is not in my hands anymore. There is some weird thing that's not me controlling it!

x

Alive

I attempted again. I nearly succeeded. In future I must lock myself in the house and hide the keys.

I won't say what I did but it has been classed as a serious attempt that if I had not have been found would have worked.

Now everyone (as in professionals) is flapping. Especially as I said I could make no guarantees that it wont happen again. Which is true. I was unconscious from about 1am to 11am. I only briefly remember coming round a bit in the resuscitation room on the bed in just my knickers. And fit nurse was there. I made a fuss as obviously there were 2 blokes and I was practically naked. But I passed out again. I came round again 10 or so hours later hooked up to loads of machines. Apparently my heart was not happy and they had to give me some medication to slow it down.

Another embarrassing bit...my friend was on shift on the ward as the registrar. He told them who I was as I didn't have any ID on me. Embarrassing. He wont tell anyone as he can't, doctor patient confidentiality and all that. Although this morning I had to say to the nurse that I knew him and I didn't want him as my doctor as he was about to see me with all the other doctors like they do on ward round. So the Sister (are they called sisters if it's a bloke, is it a brother?) had a quick word and he discreetly went away when it was my turn.

So, all this led to a Psych Medicine referral. She was panicking. Then she was worrying me saying she couldn't decide any thing without speaking to Dr T my consultant Psychiatrist. She said he may suggest MHA Assessment, or make me see crisis team, or he may want to come see me as he was in the same hospital that day. So she had me worried for about an hour as she had to wait for him to come out of meetings. I then had some alcohol liaison nurse come see me which was a waste of time. I explained I didn't get drunk then decide it was a decision to do both and that usually I only drink about a bottle of wine per week and I have seen someone in the past and they had said there was no alcohol problem. So she was happy with that and left me to it.

Finally the woman from PM came back and said she had spoken to Dr T. All he said was I should call Crisis Team if I need help. So he obviously hasn't listened to a dam word I have said in all the appointments with him. PM woman also called Sam. I gave her permission to. I knew I would find it easier to discuss with her if she already knew all the details. So I get home after being there nearly 40 hours and Sam calls me. She wants me to go in tomorrow. I said I couldn't as I have kids to look after tomorrow so we have arranged a telephone appointment for tomorrow. She said she was worried as she is going to a meeting with the Clinical Psychologist and the CPN I saw on Friday and she hasn't seen me for ages. Which is right I suppose. I have only seen her once in the last 5 weeks and I am not going to see her for another month now as of my holiday and her holiday. She also said the feelings that other professionals were having were that I did it because I was told I was being discharged back to my GP. How wrong are they. I feel like seeing Dr T has been a waste of time and there is nothing that he did that my GP couldn't have done anyway.

So how do I feel now. Deflated. Pissed off. And I want to do it again and get it right.
PM woman asked if I was depressed at the moment. I said not. That I felt pretty stable. She then asked why. So I told her.

It's all a waste of time anyway. I don't think anyone can actually help me. I have been under Psychiatric services for coming up to a year now. And, not a lot has changed really. I feel that they have not done anything for me. I don't know what can be done for me.I think my GP would probably be better. I like my GP also. He always smiles when he sees you which is really nice. If that makes sense. He makes me feel unique and not just another patient with the same problem he has seen a million times.

Sam asked how I was feeling and I said I felt crap at the moment but I didn't know how I felt about the whole attempt thing. I hadn't had chance to think about it. I dunno, even though you are really bored hooked up to machines and with nothing to do, I don't think about it. It's when I get home and I am on my own. I have Vince coming over in a bit. Obviously I wont tell him what happened but he will be here to take my mind off things.

I will write again tomorrow when I have had this telephone appointment with Sam.

xxxx

Psychiatrist Appointment.

Went to see Dr T this morning. And I am kinda pissed off kinda puzzled. Being pissed off after appointments with him is pretty standard. He asks me what I want, I tell him and he knocks me back. Why not just tell me what's going to happen.

He asked how things had been and I said they hadn't changed drastically but there had been a little change but I didn't know if this was due to pills or because things had changed. I said I would like to increase the dose of the Quetiapine. My theory being that if changes were due to medication then increasing the dose would increase how I feel. At first he knocked me back saying he wasn't going to do that. I said why I thought it may be worth doing it and in the end he agreed to put the dose up to 400mg from 300mg. He said he wouldn't increase it any more as any higher would see more side affects and he wants to keep it at a therapeutic dose (what ever that is) and he said because I am not psychotic he said he wouldn't give me a dose which is to treat psychosis. Which is fair enough. I have never said or felt that I have psychosis.

He asked me why I went to see him and I said because I was told to and for medication. He said usually people were only under their service for about a year and then they went on to a recovery team. He said that was more for people with strong diagnosable disorders. So he said he would be looking at referring me back to my GP. I feel he hasn't actually done anything and since I have been under him since the beginning of the year I don't feel as though anything has changed. So again, it feels like I have been labeled as untreatable and just being turfed back to where I came from.

I mentioned I had suicidal thoughts and he didn't ask about them. So I didn't elaborate anymore. I couldn't see the point when he just discredits my feelings. I told him how I had been seeing Sam since before Xmas and that I hadn't really seen any improvement in how I am feeling and what is there. He kept going on about how it would be something that makes me self harm. I disagreed with him. Why does there need to be a reason. And he was telling me how I wouldn't be getting veins where I was self harming. I disagreed with him also on that saying that all the sites that I blood let is where they have put cannulas in before so I knew there were veins there and that they way it bled gave it away that it was a vein. He said not. I left it at that. It's as though he wants to challenge me and say I am wrong on everything. It's as though every thing I say is wrong in his eyes.

He just makes me so angry and pissed off.

I think when I am discharged in a couple of months will be my time to leave Sam also. I don't want to go to the counselling anymore. It's obviously not working for me. I find writing on here a lot more therapeutic than counselling. Also, I feel less restricted on here. I can say what I want and not feel stupid. Sometimes speaking about my thoughts out loud I feel really stupid. It's like voicing them makes me mad. Like when I was talking about the paranoia that people were following me it felt so stupid saying it out loud. Does anyone else get that?

I don't think there is anything major in my past that would cause how I am now. It's just the way it is.

I will be glad to get away from that Psychiatrist anyway. He hasn't exactly helped and he just pisses me off. Also, as I have said before the only reason I go is so they don't section me. It will be nice to have that freedom and not feel as though evidence is being gathered against me.

Still Feeling The Same

Things have not changed. I feel the same. I think about suicide all the time. It is a big part of my life at the moment. I wonder if I am feeling more stable because I have made the decision to attempt in a couple of weeks. They say that people who have made the decision who are depressed can then seem quite lighter and less depressed. Is it that maybe?

Stupid thing made me upset yesterday. Was Gom related but not directly. I saw that his parents had sold their house and from the looks of it (from my Facebook stalking while logged in to my Mum's account) they are moving on to a house boat. I felt sad (I think it was sad anyway, if not there was an emotion that I was feeling) that I wasn't part of that big lifestyle change of theirs. For the 8 years that Gom and I were together they talked to me about quite a lot of things and they valued my opinion on things as I did theirs. So this got me thinking. Why, was I not bothered about Gom getting engaged but was about his parents selling their house? That is some weird thought processes. I am not bothered about LD's relationship with Gom. She is welcome to him. What I don't like is her being a part of their family. They were my family. And, I suppose they never did anything wrong to me and I loved them like my own family. It's weird.

Had a nice moment with Vince today. He came round to mine and we just hung out watching a film. We sat there cuddling on the sofa and he kissed me on top of my head. Ok, of course we have kissed normally but that was different. That was more meaningful. He also said my hair smelt nice. I do like him but there are some reservations I have about him in that I think he may be quite immature. I haven't worked it out yet if he is immature or just is like that in a fun way? I think drunk Vince may be the answer. I think people show their true colours when they have had a drink.

He has tiny hands. I hope that isn't an indication of the size of his...

These things are important. I like him but if he is bad in the sack then there's not much hope. I am quite reserved and shy when it comes to bedroom activities. I think Gom broke down my confidence there, it may just be that I am not very good of course.

As my friend said to me earlier though, I should just have some fun. I don't need to be looking at it as "am I going to settle down with this person". I never really thought about it that way. She is right. I should just see how things progress.

I say this, but then I am still making all these plans to end it. What's the dealio there? How can I want something so bad and yet still think about relationships etc when I have already made a plan. I think it comes down to the 2 parts of me thing again. I have written about it before and about how I am at least 2 different people. I know which one of them is the stronger one and I am in agreement with them.

I don't feel as though I can speak to anyone about it either. I have been withdrawing more and more from Sam and find it really hard to be open. I think because when we first started the sessions she didn't really challenge me or ask me things. She just agreed with me or made me feel better about the way I was feeling. She would be empathetic and make me feel as though what I was feeling was normal. And it was space to talk about what I wanted. But now she is focusing more on the self harm itself and my feelings at the time etc. And that makes me uncomfortable.

So what would you do?

Questions.

I think things are stable at the moment. But then when I am still planning on attempting in about 3 weeks I guess they can't be as stable as I think they are.

I have been planning it for a few months now. I have come out of the horrible depression but something still lurks. Something is hiding in the shadows waiting to pounce. It's how I feel all the time. The not knowing is killing me. I feel as though I have adrenaline coursing through my veins and I am on high alert. But this is my stable. This, other than those feelings of the adrenaline, is I suppose as close to normal as I am ever going to get.

I don't know why when I feel like maybe things are a bit more stable that I continue to plan for that night in the not to distant future. I made my decision about it when I was stuck in that deep black hole. But, even though I have somehow climbed out of it I am still left with the same plans, the same thoughts. The cycles are pretty normal for me. Low for a few weeks, come out of it for a week or so, low again, normal, high for a few weeks, then back to being normal. But how long for? It's always the same. It may be a few months I feel pretty normal for. I think the longest may have been about 3-4 months. Even when I was travelling last year I wasn't right. Those thought processes were not the thought processes of a normal person.

I was meant to see Sam yesterday. I cancelled. I came home from work early and I couldn't be bothered to leave the house again. She asked me last week about my thoughts on these next few weeks as I mentioned to her before about attempting when I am planning. But I didn't let her think it was a definite. I said it was a maybe. She asked me what I thought now on the whole thing. I lied and said I hadn't really given it much thought. I am finding it harder and harder to be honest with her. I am finding it harder and harder to be honest with myself.

Am I stable? I feel it but the thoughts and plans would suggest otherwise.

Update

Shit news first...

I put a pound on. So I am now 16'11 (total loss 3lb)

I think it's because the two weeks previous I had not been careful and my birthday weekend and alcohol consumption just caught up with me. So even though I was really careful last week I put a lb on. I would hate to imagine what it would be if I hadn't have been careful. So this week I am going to try even harder. I am going to a gig tomorrow. The White Lies are playing and so I am going to see them. Beyond excited. But I will be dancing and singing a long so hopefully that will help me shed some weight.

I am not doing too well really at this Fat Club. I really need to step up a gear. I finish placement next week so hopefully I can be a bit more active. After all I have a park for a back garden. I should make sure I use it.

Anyway, on to other news.

Had first appointment with Sam in about 4 weeks. I didn't tell her about the cutting. But we did discuss Vince. And she embarrassed me when she asked why I would be bothered about the scars as why would he see them. Knowing fully well. And thus making a prude me embarrassed. Yes. I can write about very personal things. But sex...well it makes me embarrassed. I know kind of pathetic. She was then teasing me about when my parents go away and what that will mean. I think I may have gone a little red. Anyway, she seemed to probe quite a bit about Vince. In a nice way, kind of, this is going to sound stupid but a friend getting the gossip.

She can read me so well. And she is so honest about what she thinks. It's kind of worrying. I suppose she needed to be. If I felt someone was keeping something from me I wouldn't say anything to them. But she will come right out with it. For instance, she has asked me numerous times to write just before I cut/let so I can write about my feelings so perhaps we can see if there is any pattern. She asks me quite often, well at every appointment if I have thought any more on doing it.

This week she asked me again. When I said no, as I didn't really think about my feelings that much I just don't do it. She came out with, " I get the feeling it's somewhere you don't want to let me in". I was dead honest with her and said she had hit the nail on the head. I then went on to explain how I don't talk about my thoughts. I believe some thoughts should remain private to yourself and not share them. I said I don't want to open for people to see.

 I suppose but I didn't say it at the time is that I don't want to be so vulnerable. I don't even write my thoughts on here, as, I am a firm believer some thoughts should just be that and not voiced. I also said part of me felt like this because of having worked in mental health services I have seen bad practice where things are mentioned to other people where it doesn't need to be mentioned or people may have a bit of a giggle at what the person has said. Or, they would underestimate the importance of what someone has said. I don't want to be that person that someone discounts, has a giggle at etc etc. And, some of my thoughts are kind of stupid and I don't want to share those. I want to keep part of me private. I don't want people knowing everything about me and how I think, what I think about. My thoughts should be private and I don't want people knowing about them.

I suppose here though you could say what is the point in therapy. And if I am honest I would have to agree with you on this. I suppose I have been quite open with Sam but there is something holding me back and if I am honest I don't think I will be able to overcome. So, what does that mean for me? Does it mean I am wasting my time?

Also, another bit of being honest here...I don't know what I think before I self harm. I am not aware of my thoughts. So I suppose that is why I should write before self harming. It's not like I crave it, or I feel I need to do it for a purpose. The thought comes in to my head and I do it. It's like having a chocolate bar. You want one you have one. You want one, you know you shouldn't, but you do it anyway. OK, weird analogy there but, does that make sense to anyone?

I don't know where I am going to go from here. I am still thinking of suicide even though at the moment things are as stable as they have been in well over a year. But, I know like always at some point I will go down and go bad again. I can't cope with that. You may think I am being a pessimistic fool, I admit I am a pessimist, but it does seem to come in cycles where I will be ok-ish for a while but then take a dip where I will be down, low, depressed what ever you wanna call it for a few weeks at a time. Stable for a couple of weeks, hit a high and who knows how long that will last. The thing that brought me out the last one was being dosed up on morphine and dihydrcodeine. It knocked me out. That was after about 2-3 weeks of being on a high. I can't cope with these stages, these cycles.

Does still contemplating suicide and having a kind of plan put together for in about 4 weeks mean that I am depressed and not acknowledging it? Or according to Dr T, chronic feelings of emptiness what ever that is supposed to mean. I get the feeling as I manage somehow to function when I am low, depressed what ever it is, it is not taken as seriously and they are saying it's not depression. I think in their eyes they want me to be in bed for a week in a dark room and all the other stereotypical depressive symptoms before they will say..."yes, you have depression". But because some how I can drag myself in to placement or uni, that means I am not depressed as it doesn't fit in with what a depressed person should be! And therefore, because I can half function and I self harm it is a personality disorder.

Anyway, rant over. I am sure you don't want to read more about my thoughts and feelings on this whole diagnosis palaver!!!!

Off to bed now to watch Waterloo Road on catch up.

xxx

Hope This Isn't The Start Of Things To Come

The past few days I have felt so fed up, low and not had any motivation. I really don't know why I feel like this. I am ensuring I eat healthily, things are going well with Vince and I quite like him. But for some reason my mood is low.

I suppose I am not feeling thrilled that my car has failed it's MOT and until I can get a certificate for it I can't drive it. The prospect of a 20 minute walk to the bus stop and an hour on a bus to get to the placement doesn't fill me with much hope. I hate buses and the fact I am going to have to spend 2 hours per day on one is pissing me off. It's not me being snobby why I hate the bus, it's because they make me feel really sick and I experience travel sickness on them. Especially at the end of the day I end up with head aches that I can't shift for the rest of the evening.

It also means I am going to have to get up an hour earlier to leave my house at 7.15am instead of 8.30am and I won't get back until about 6.45pm instead of about 5.15pm. I've got work I need to be doing and reading I need to be doing in the evenings and so it gives me less time. If I didn't get travel sick I would be ok doing it on the bus and I wouldn't mind so much as is forced work time but all I will be able to do is sit there and stare out the window for all 32 bus stops. I just hope it doesn't stop at every one!

Enough moaning about that anyway. I do feel my mood has taken a dip. I noticed on Wednesday and I have been struggling since then. So I can't really attribute my car to it. And really, a car would be a pretty pathetic reason to have a low mood. I am worried as I don't want to end up back down again. Even without the low mood part of me still struggles to see a future and is planning on attempting as soon as parents and family go away. I have been thinking about it for so long and have planned methods.

I think about it quite a lot. Even the thing with Vince isn't bringing me out of it or changing my mind. I sort of expect him to do a runner as soon as he knows the truth anyway. I am not expecting anything from it. Part of me wants to. I'm getting a more strong feeling of there being more than one person inside of me again.

I am meant to have an appointment with Sam this week but I don't think I will be able to make it. I have this week and next week booked in with her and then she stops for the summer holidays. It's been about a month now since I last saw her. Not sure if I want to continue with it. I feel that these professionals want to know my inner most private thoughts. I am not a believer of spilling all. I think some things should remain private to your self. Why should you open up about every single thought you have?

I don't really do it on here either. I don't talk about all my thoughts, feelings, etc. If I can't do it on here how am I expected to be able to do it face to face?

Cancelled

I was sitting there with my phone in my hand. I was waiting to go to a tutorial, I knew I shouldn't have been parked where I was so was leaving it until the last minute before I had to go. I suppose I was pushing it, parking outside the security office in a permit holder area only.

Any way. I was thinking "I really don't want to go to counselling today. I can't be bothered, what's the point". But I didn't want to say "I can't come as I can't be bothered". So I was sitting there (notice I was sitting not I was sat, as I was sitting is proper English innit right) thinking what I could write in a message, when. "beep" my message tone.


"Hi GP, really sorry it's short notice but I have to cover the drop in today and so can't make the session".

Was she reading my mind. Freaky. She has asked me if I am free in the day at any point before our next session which is the 6th of July. I said not. Not technically a lie. I will have study days on this 20 day placement but I am not sure when they are yet, and, as the title says STUDY days.

Maybe a break will give me a fresh look at it all. I hope so. Or do I. I've met this guy, Vince, and I quite like him. So now I am wanting to pull away even before we go anywhere as I don't want to do the explaining of the scars. I think I am going to go to my doctor and ask for a referral to this Red Cross thing and get the make-up to cover them up. I want to go swimming. OK, I am self conscious in a cossie but it makes it even worse in a cossie with massive scars all over your legs. One of my local pools does a deep water aerobics which is held in the dive tank. It sounds kinda fun, but there is no way I'll go while the scars are like this.

So I think I have about 3 weeks off  now. I am going to take the time to think about things and see if I do want to continue with the counselling.

Oh, and my cockyness paid off. I didn't get clamped or even a warning. Jammy me!

Fat Club - 3rd Weigh In. Also...the 1st date and other bits and bobs.

Not a good week.

Weight at Start - 17stone 0
Weight last week - 16stone 9
Weight this week - 16stone 10
Loss/Gain - Gain of 1lb.
Total Loss - 4lb

I am not happy. I knew it wouldn't be a good week but to put on weight. I am pretty miffed. I knew I wouldn't lose much if any. But to put on. I am quite upset by it. I know this week I need to measure what I have. Measure the meat etc. Not snack on goodies. I don't think I went over my points last week. I know Saturday was awful with the drinking and then Sunday I was snacking. OK, it wasn't awful but I did eat loads. So this week I am going to try and not use my weekly allowance. I have an essay to do and I hope that I  can get that written over the weekend and not drink loads. Not drinking loads means no hang over and no hang over cravings.

So here's to a good next week.

On to other news. I went on that date last night. I really liked him and seems as though he liked me. We are going to see each other again at the weekend. I told him he had to plan it and think of something cheap and cheerful. I now feel even more stupid for cutting myself. It's going to take about 6 weeks to heal. Also, I was thinking of going to the doctors and asking about that red cross scar cover up stuff as I am starting to get conscious of them. I didn't tell him about the scars but I think I'll have tp spin him a story if things go well between us. I do quite like him and he seems normal which I am surprised at, as usually the guys you meet off line are a little odd.

I have an appointment with Sam in a couple of hours. I really don't want to go. I didn't used to be that bothered by the appointments but I really don't like going now. I don't like being challenged. I know it's all part and parcel of counselling but I don't like it. It's changed also. Before I would just talk about what I wanted to talk about and would usually only mention self harm but she seems to be focussing more on the self harm now and I find it so difficult.

I decided I am not going to mention Saturday night when I cut. I don't really have a lot to say to her. I really do think I am going to have to stop with counselling and everything and manage on my own. Perhaps I would be better on my own. I can't see any benefits really since I started all this.

I suppose I have a couple of weeks to think about it after today. I have 2 weeks off. Yay! But, what does worry me is if I decide I do want to carry on I have about 2 weeks after my 2 weeks off and then she is off for the summer school holidays.

I've had enough of it all now.

And Again

That post I wrote in the early hours of this morning needs more explanation.

Basically I ended up cutting last night. I don't know why. It came from no where. The decision was made and I did it. I had had a drink so maybe it was that and it stopped any self control I had.

I did end up going to the ED as someone saw me. I didn't cut at home. I went to the local park and someone saw me and the ambulance came. I said I didn't need to go but they said if I didn't go they would call the police. I was scared of being put on a 136 again.

I feel quite ashamed by my behaviour last night. Fit Nurse was on. The one on first name terms with. I embarrassed myself. I don't know why I just didn't keep quiet but I was telling him about Bitch Nurse, and used her first name. So he knows exactly who I was on about. I must have come across as someone who just abuses NHS services. I did say that I had not cut since January and that was the last time I had to go as of self harm. I was saying it like it was something I should be proud of and making it seem as though it wasn't as bad as I hadn't been there since January. I am so ashamed by my behaviour. And I really didn't need to go there. I actually stabbed myself in the leg with a scalpel blade. It went all the way in. In my own stupid state I fished it back out also. The wound itself is not bad and all they did was clean it. But I think I have gone through muscle as it is quite painful. It's hard trying to walk without a limp. It's not as though I can blame my ankle as it's the wrong leg.

I feel so ashamed. I shouldn't have cut. I don't know why I gave in last night. Is it stress? Is it the situation with my friends? Oh and they have no idea I feel like this either. They have no idea I am pissed off and upset by them. So it's a whole one sided thing. And, no one has emailed me or anything saying they were sorry I had cancelled my birthday plans.

I feel quite down today. I think it is because I am feeling let down with myself over last night. Not so much the cutting but my behaviour. I refused to give a full name. I hope they didn't figure it out. I don't want it on my medical records. That's why I refused to give full details. They asked me if I wanted to talk to someone and I said no. I didn't want to talk to crisis team. And, as I said I don't want it on my medical records. I don't want the Psychiatrist finding out. I am not even going to talk to Sam about it. I am not going to let anyone know. When the doctor was asking me about my thoughts and if I wanted to kill myself I refused to answer her also. I was a fool last night and I am appalled by my own behaviour!

What bothers me is the fact that whilst I was cutting it felt amazing. Am I going back down the cutting route? I thought the letting was stopping me from cutting. Maybe it's not.

I am having a PJ, feeling sorry for myself day today. I have been lying on my bed most the day watching re-runs of casualty. Tomorrow I am in Uni all day. Just hope this bloody weather stops. It is supposed to be summer, yet I am freezing and it's pissing it down with rain.

Grrrrr

Paying For Services

I wish that I paid for the services I receive. That way I would have a valid reason about stopping. That I can't afford it.

I have had counselling in the past and I was paying for it. So when it got that I didn't want to do it any more I could use lack of funds as and excuse. I was paying £30 per hour. That was the student rate. It should have been £50.

But, the more and more I think about it the more I don't want to do it anymore. I know. I do still let. But I can control it. I know it may go out of my control as Beth was saying on Tuesday. She said when I first started cutting I could control it quite well but got to stage where I couldn't. So this may happen with the letting.

I think what I don't like about all this work etc that I am doing is being told that I can't or wont be able to do something. Who the fuck are they to tell me that. Also, it kinda feels like too many people are involved. And too may people are getting together and discussing me. First Nurseman Mike calling in Crisis Team (after a lengthy discussion with the PDoc. I think Mike wants me sectioned!!!!!

Then Dr T talking to everyone. Dr T talking to Sam. Dr T having "discussions" about me and how a MH Assessment may be on the cards. Dr T discussing me in meetings about Support workers. Being discussed in meetings about what I do and they probably think they all know the answers. Being discussed in supervision between Sam and clinical psychologist (CP) whom I was referred to. Then Beth (My CPN) wanting to have a meeting with Sam and CP to talk about me again. I don't want these people talking about me anymore. I don't want these discussions anymore. I don't want people talking about me. It's not that I am worried what they will say behind my back. OK, I am a little. Sam generally tells me most things that are going on. Well I say that and I bet she is still having meetings about me.

I don't want it going on behind my back, but I don't want to be involved with it anymore. I don't want them talking when I am there either. I don't want it anymore.

I want to walk out. I know Catherine has said what would you say if it was a patient and you were working. Well. I feel now that I can never go back in to that job. I know on the face of it how it all looks. But look more deeper at my thoughts and feelings and as a worker I wouldn't be able to say anything. Seriously!

I would start off with all the shebang about needing help and rah rah rah rah. I would probably, may, possibly (I don't know) discount my own feelings. But no one knows how it feels deep inside.

I know that I don't want this anymore. It's too hard and I feel I have so much shit going on that this can be filed and put away.

Also, I am not planning on being here from mid August onwards. So why even try?

XXXXX

Thinking of Quitting

I don't really want to be in therapy anymore. I can't see where I a going with it and I have started to feel uncomfortable in sessions. I used to be ok and I could open up but I don't feel that way anymore.

I also don't want to see Beth or Dr T any more.

I feel as though I am not getting anywhere. Things are no different now than they were when it all started. I have been seeing someone 7-9 months now and I don't feel as though things have changed. So what's the point? I don't like making my private thoughts open for every one to share. Also. Beth has said she wants to meet up with Sam and also the clinical psychologist so they can all work together. And, I know I shouldn't feel it but with all these people involved I am feeling as though I am being ganged up on. I am also feeling bad as Sam is nothing to do with NHS yet they keep pulling her in to things about me. It's not right. I feel as though I am taking too many of the organisations resources as she must be spending quite a bit of time on me. More than other people who just go to see her for an hour a week.

And, there is probably a waiting list for the service. I don't want to stop the blood letting and when I cut it is planned and usually with an OD and all part of a plan of trying to kill myself. Or if it's not it doesn't happen that often. I have got the blood letting and that has stopped me cutting. I haven't cut since January. I use that instead. So I feel as though I am being selfish as there may be someone who is waiting who actually wants to stop self harming and I am taking up a space.

Am I being rational? Can you see my point?

I need advice here please.

xxx

Fat Club - 2nd Weight In + Meeting with CPN

So,

Weight at Start 17stone.
Weight Now - 16 st 9 pounds
Weight Loss this week - 3 pounds
Total Loss - 5 pounds

I'm quite happy that I managed three pounds this week. It's working quite well this diet as I am not really trying. I am just swapping crap for fruit. And when I feel like I want to eat to comfort myself I will still but it will be a banana. I can't get enough of banana's. They have a comfort side to them. Although, I think I am spending more money on fruit than I was on crap. This eating healthy is not cheaper.

Like today. I went to the CO-OP and got some tinned grapefruit as thought that would be nice liquidised in with my pineapple and oranges, tinned pineapple, oranges, bananas and raspberries and it was £7. Fruit is not cheap.

So I am hoping that I will get my half a stone next week.

On to the next thing on the agenda.

Had my meeting with Beth the CPN today. I left feeling crap. I think a lot of the reason I feel so shit after any appointments is I don't like to be told how I am feeling. It is quite demeaning. And frustrating.

She wanted me to go in to detail about the last time that I tried to kill myself. So I told her about how back in January I knew my parents were away for a long weekend or however long it was and wanted to use that as an opportunity. I explained how I had been planning it for ages. I brought in alcohol, as I may as well go out pissed. I like to feel pissed but anyway. I said I had been planning it a while. I explained how I took an OD but not all of what I had and cut my legs really badly. I explained how I didn't know how I ended up locked in the office but my plan was to finish taking all the pills and go somewhere else and ligate. I know OD's don't get you right away and it is a long drawn out process but I wanted to cover all bases. I woke up on the floor of the office locked in. I don't even remember going in to the office. I explained to her how I went to the ED. She asked me why. I explained how I didn't go as of the OD. I didn't even tell them about it. I went because my leg was hurting and I wanted it stitching up as anything I wore was pressing on it and making it painful.

Beth said that if I really wanted to die I wouldn't have gone to the ED. And that I would have taken what else I had left that morning when I woke up. I tried to explain to her that I don't want to die at home. I don't want that for my parents. So being as though it was the middle of the day, that is why. Also, I plan my attempts in advance. It's not about how I am feeling at the time when I do it. It is my over all feelings. I didn't say this to her but, like now I am pretty stable at the moment. In that my mood is neither in my boots or is it in the trees. Yet, I know at some point it is going to change. I know, everyone has good times and bad times. But mine aren't like that. If it was just the normal feelings that everyone else got I would be able to deal with it. But it's not. And when I say everyone else I mean like people who have not had MH issues in the past. I want to make you understand I am not saying I can't cope with being a little sad as my pet dies, but it's big sad. It takes over my life. It's not like just being a little sad and being able to cope with it. I can deal with things when I know what has caused them. So, if I do feel sad because something happens I can attribute my feelings to that and deal with it. Deal with it like a rational, normal person.

It's the not knowing. The ones when it comes on from no where. Why I don't have reason to be feeling like I do, the ones where I should be feeling happy as things are going great. But for some reason, whether it be chemical, hormonal, emotional I am not. And that's another thing. When I feel like this I can't see any reason why I do. To me it comes from no where. All around me I have people telling me it has to be because of something. Well, does it? What if it is hormonal or chemical? They don't seem to want to even consider that! Anyway, I was off on one there...

But what I was saying is, it doesn't matter how I feel when I make those plans. It is the not knowing and the not wanting to go on not having control over it. I don't want these cycles all the bloody time. That is why I plan in advance, that is why I take what opportunities I am given. Like now, pretty stable but planning my own death again!

Anyway, I told Beth about that attempt on the Thursday night and how and why I didn't try on the Friday straight away. I did however try on the Saturday night. I took an OD again hoping that the pills I took would mess with my blood sugar, I cut and I did manage to make it out the house this time and I went to a quiet car park and ligated. I explained how someone must have seen me stagger, or there was CCTV and I am taken to hospital.

She seemed to think that this was an impulsive act. The second one. It was and it wasn't I suppose. It was as a result of the failure of the Thursday night and it was another go at it. She didn't seem to comprehend that making an attempt is knackering. That is takes so much energy and when you have failed you feel deflated and depressed. Too depressed to go about trying again. I said how I had felt like this for a while and one night there was an impulsive act where by I went to the Bridge and ended up on a 136. That was impulsive. That was because I was pissed and saw something. I also said to her how I would have never had jumped as I am too scared and that would not be one of my methods as I am a chicken and it was cold and I couldn't be sure it would work straight away and I don't want to go by drowning.

I just feel at appointments I am fighting my corner all the time. I come out feeling deflated. Maybe it's because I don't think about it that much before and I never know what to say. I struggle to articulate how things have been or how I feel about something.

I hate the way everything is about feelings. I don't feel anything. Not really. OK, at the moment I am feeling stressed. I have a shed load of uni work to be doing and no motivation. I am having doubts about my own ability for the course and so that makes me feel a bit shit. But, I know why that is making me feel crap. Who wouldn't if you were doubting your own ability.

All I know is at the moment I don't want to live in these cycles. I don't know when they are going to come. I don't know how long they will be there for or how they will go away. I don't like being told that there must be some emotion kicking it all off. Not necessarily. Grrrr.

We talked more about crisis resolution and the Crisis Team and how I would not contact them and why. I mentioned the going for a walk, have a bath thing and how I hated it.

To be honest I think all this therapy and psych input is a waste of time. I don't care about the blood letting. It's not an issue to me. OK, it's self harm, but it's nothing major to me. The other self harm is very often planned so far in advance that Crisis Team could do fuck all. By the time I have made up my mind there is no going back. I don't have crisis'. I make my decision and that is it. I don't have the feelings of needing to self harm as the blood letting takes this away. If I had the feelings of needing to then maybe I could see a point. The cutting I do because I enjoy it. So why would I have a crisis about that. The OD'ing; planned in advance. Again no crisis.

I don't think anyone can help me. I don't think I want help anymore. It just seems to land me in trouble anyway. I am fed up with it all and can't see the point with it all anymore. I am only doing it to keep them happy. But it makes me feel worse. I think I need to stop everything!

Don't Know Whether or Not to Carry On?

So, another appointment with Sam. It's given me alot to think about. I have not liked the last 2 appointments at all. She is now wanting answers. I can't provide them. We talked about the first time I self harmed and why. I said it was impulsive but I was incredibly angry and it was a way of internalising that anger. But now, it's different. It's not about internalising my emotions. She asked me what is was about and I said I didn't know. And I don't.

She kept talking about this 10 minute rule thing and how I should give it ago. I don't want to. Basically the way I feel is that the letting is not an issue to me. It's something I do. Like I smoke. I don't want to give up smoking even though other people tell me I should. I know it's not good for my health but if someone told me to not smoke and I wanted to then I would just smoke. You have to want it yourself to stop. Telling a smoker to cut down or try and stop smoking when they don't want to is not going to be successful, Nor are they going to be able or want to come up with reasons why they smoke and how they should go about stopping if they don't want to stop. I used this analogy with Sam and she said she understood where I was coming from but no one was asking me to stop but to analyse what my feelings and thoughts are should I not be able to self harm. I said to her that I don't see this as a problem. Cutting I see as a problem, not letting. Letting I see as something that stops me from cutting. Should I not let, I believe that I will start cutting again. I don't want to be cutting. I am covered in enough scars!

I said I was reluctant to when I didn't see it as a problem and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to stop. What I get from it is more than anything else in my life. When I know that I am going to do it I feel excited. Even if it is a few hours later the feeling I have when I decide I am going to do it is excitement. When I do it, I feel euphoria. Putting it off is just putting off something I am excited about. So it builds until I struggle to contain it. Say for example you have an event that you are excited about, a party, your birthday, a night out. You feel a good excitement don't you? Not nerves. Then as it gets closer you get more and more excited. If that event was then put off how would you feel? But you know it's still going to happen? I dunno, I am really struggling to articulate how it makes me feel. I think I self harm because I want to. Not because I need to. I am not punishing myself, I am not releasing emotions. I am doing it because I enjoy it. Maybe possibly I have some weird curious thing about the human body. I know I am curious about just how much the human body can take. Am I my own lab rat?

If someone told you that you should stop doing something that you enjoyed doing, that wasn't causing anyone else any trouble, and you didn't want to stop doing it. And, they wanted you to look at your thoughts and feelings about why you do it. Would you be a willing person?

We also had the no one is forcing you to come here talk. She asked me why I come to therapy if self harming was something I didn't want to stop. First off I said it was useful to have someone who wasn't phased by stuff that I said and to have a sounding board to bounce off. Also she gives me quite a lot of reassurance in things. Like if I say I am feeling one way about something which I am not sure is the right way to feel, or feel bad for voicing it.

For Example I didn't want my Nanna to die just before Xmas as it would taint Xmas every year. My other Nan did die just before Xmas. However, we have a way of dealing with it. We don't take our feelings out on everyone else and we just don't really get in the Xmas mood until after her anniversary. But after the anniversary we kind of get on with it. If my Nanna my Dad's Mum died just before Xmas, Xmas would have been a miserable affair for ever more as of the way my Dad would have dealt with it. I am not close to my Dad's mum, and to be honest, she has dementia and a whole other heap of old age related illnesses. She doesn't know anyone and really is just a shell that has a heart beat. So in a way I feel that it would be kinder for her to be left to die. What kind of life is that? Anyway, all that is another topic along with religion which I wont get on to as it's messy.

Anyway, I could never have said I hope that she holds on a couple more months just so Xmas isn't ruined each year to anyone. But I did say it to Sam and she said it was normal to think like that and was not unusual that I didn't want Xmas ruined for everyone. Please don't send me loads of hate comments now.

So I explained that it was nice to have that someone I feel I can be more honest with. Someone to listen and reassure me. I go to counselling so I can speak to someone where I am normal. Does that make sense?

So we talked more about why I was there. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to address everything. Sam said it was a busy time for me and I am dealing with a lot anyway. So if I wanted I could stop going and re-visit when things have settled down. There were 2 things I brought up with this...

1) I am going to be a Social Worker. Things are never going to settle down. I am going to be in a demanding job with a lot of pressures on me. I thought that maybe it would be better now for me to address things while I am still being closely supervised. And, that when is it the right time for these things???

2) Goes back to my massive fear of hospitalisation. I feel that by going a long with what they want means that I am less likely to be made to go in to hospital or be sectioned. Me going to counselling and seeing Dr T and taking the meds shows I am engaging. Basically I know the self harm isn't going to stop any time soon. So what happens if/when I rock up at the ED. I then turn round and say "no, I am not seeing those people, I am not going to take medication, I am not going to see a Dr and I have tried counselling, have decided it's not the right time for me and to be honest I don't really like counselling". My thoughts on this are that they are going to think that they will be left with no other option than to put me in hospital.

Picture it. I am being assessed by the crisis team or by Nurseman Mike. NMM has already said it is out of hand. He contacted the duty Psych before as he thought I was heading towards admission. He contacted Crisis team and made them come see me the next day at the appointment with Dr. They ask me what I have in place at the moment and I say I had but I stopped attending and taking meds. They are going to go for section aren't they?

 No matter what people tell me about not having to go to counselling, not having to take the meds, not having to go see a Psychiatrist. I do! Yes, I could stop seeing them. But I know it's only a matter of time before I am back at the ED after cutting and being assessed again. So I feel as though I am told I have a choice in all of this. Well I don't really do I? Where is that choice?

I know I sound a bit mad here as I have been saying that I want to self harm because I enjoy it. But, even though I have just written about the negative sides or the possible repercussions of it. Yet I still want to. So maybe perhaps there is more than just wanting to and enjoying it.

Fuck. Now I am confusing myself and I am back to square minus 100. Sam keeps telling me I have come on a long way. I really don't see it. I don't see what good counselling will do for me. Maybe I am scared to stop. But of what? Failure? Not having an outlet. I think I have just gone and totally confused myself here. I need to stop thinking!!!!