I wish that I paid for the services I receive. That way I would have a valid reason about stopping. That I can't afford it.
I have had counselling in the past and I was paying for it. So when it got that I didn't want to do it any more I could use lack of funds as and excuse. I was paying £30 per hour. That was the student rate. It should have been £50.
But, the more and more I think about it the more I don't want to do it anymore. I know. I do still let. But I can control it. I know it may go out of my control as Beth was saying on Tuesday. She said when I first started cutting I could control it quite well but got to stage where I couldn't. So this may happen with the letting.
I think what I don't like about all this work etc that I am doing is being told that I can't or wont be able to do something. Who the fuck are they to tell me that. Also, it kinda feels like too many people are involved. And too may people are getting together and discussing me. First Nurseman Mike calling in Crisis Team (after a lengthy discussion with the PDoc. I think Mike wants me sectioned!!!!!
Then Dr T talking to everyone. Dr T talking to Sam. Dr T having "discussions" about me and how a MH Assessment may be on the cards. Dr T discussing me in meetings about Support workers. Being discussed in meetings about what I do and they probably think they all know the answers. Being discussed in supervision between Sam and clinical psychologist (CP) whom I was referred to. Then Beth (My CPN) wanting to have a meeting with Sam and CP to talk about me again. I don't want these people talking about me anymore. I don't want these discussions anymore. I don't want people talking about me. It's not that I am worried what they will say behind my back. OK, I am a little. Sam generally tells me most things that are going on. Well I say that and I bet she is still having meetings about me.
I don't want it going on behind my back, but I don't want to be involved with it anymore. I don't want them talking when I am there either. I don't want it anymore.
I want to walk out. I know Catherine has said what would you say if it was a patient and you were working. Well. I feel now that I can never go back in to that job. I know on the face of it how it all looks. But look more deeper at my thoughts and feelings and as a worker I wouldn't be able to say anything. Seriously!
I would start off with all the shebang about needing help and rah rah rah rah. I would probably, may, possibly (I don't know) discount my own feelings. But no one knows how it feels deep inside.
I know that I don't want this anymore. It's too hard and I feel I have so much shit going on that this can be filed and put away.
Also, I am not planning on being here from mid August onwards. So why even try?