So...
Starting Weight 17stone
Weight This Week 16st10
I have maintained my weight these last 2 weeks.
I wasn't able to go last week as of being late working and I was all over the shop. I didn't really make an effort to go on any other day as I didn't want to. I knew I had eaten out 5 times within the week. So, I didn't want to get weighed.
I was dreading this week. With it being my birthday over the weekend I had a blow out. Lots of alcohol, food I wanted and no being careful. So I was quite shocked when my weight was the same as it was 2 weeks ago. I was miffed two weeks ago as I had put on a pound.
I am having a new start now though and being really super duper careful this week. No alcohol for me! Alcohol has a lot of points but it also makes you want to eat crap the next day. So it's a double whammy. I am determined not to use any of my extra allowances at all and go for losing a couple of pounds.
Can I do it?
There's only one way to find out!
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
Fat Club - 3rd Weigh In. Also...the 1st date and other bits and bobs.
Not a good week.
Weight at Start - 17stone 0
Weight last week - 16stone 9
Weight this week - 16stone 10
Loss/Gain - Gain of 1lb.
Total Loss - 4lb
I am not happy. I knew it wouldn't be a good week but to put on weight. I am pretty miffed. I knew I wouldn't lose much if any. But to put on. I am quite upset by it. I know this week I need to measure what I have. Measure the meat etc. Not snack on goodies. I don't think I went over my points last week. I know Saturday was awful with the drinking and then Sunday I was snacking. OK, it wasn't awful but I did eat loads. So this week I am going to try and not use my weekly allowance. I have an essay to do and I hope that I can get that written over the weekend and not drink loads. Not drinking loads means no hang over and no hang over cravings.
So here's to a good next week.
On to other news. I went on that date last night. I really liked him and seems as though he liked me. We are going to see each other again at the weekend. I told him he had to plan it and think of something cheap and cheerful. I now feel even more stupid for cutting myself. It's going to take about 6 weeks to heal. Also, I was thinking of going to the doctors and asking about that red cross scar cover up stuff as I am starting to get conscious of them. I didn't tell him about the scars but I think I'll have tp spin him a story if things go well between us. I do quite like him and he seems normal which I am surprised at, as usually the guys you meet off line are a little odd.
I have an appointment with Sam in a couple of hours. I really don't want to go. I didn't used to be that bothered by the appointments but I really don't like going now. I don't like being challenged. I know it's all part and parcel of counselling but I don't like it. It's changed also. Before I would just talk about what I wanted to talk about and would usually only mention self harm but she seems to be focussing more on the self harm now and I find it so difficult.
I decided I am not going to mention Saturday night when I cut. I don't really have a lot to say to her. I really do think I am going to have to stop with counselling and everything and manage on my own. Perhaps I would be better on my own. I can't see any benefits really since I started all this.
I suppose I have a couple of weeks to think about it after today. I have 2 weeks off. Yay! But, what does worry me is if I decide I do want to carry on I have about 2 weeks after my 2 weeks off and then she is off for the summer school holidays.
I've had enough of it all now.
Weight at Start - 17stone 0
Weight last week - 16stone 9
Weight this week - 16stone 10
Loss/Gain - Gain of 1lb.
Total Loss - 4lb
I am not happy. I knew it wouldn't be a good week but to put on weight. I am pretty miffed. I knew I wouldn't lose much if any. But to put on. I am quite upset by it. I know this week I need to measure what I have. Measure the meat etc. Not snack on goodies. I don't think I went over my points last week. I know Saturday was awful with the drinking and then Sunday I was snacking. OK, it wasn't awful but I did eat loads. So this week I am going to try and not use my weekly allowance. I have an essay to do and I hope that I can get that written over the weekend and not drink loads. Not drinking loads means no hang over and no hang over cravings.
So here's to a good next week.
On to other news. I went on that date last night. I really liked him and seems as though he liked me. We are going to see each other again at the weekend. I told him he had to plan it and think of something cheap and cheerful. I now feel even more stupid for cutting myself. It's going to take about 6 weeks to heal. Also, I was thinking of going to the doctors and asking about that red cross scar cover up stuff as I am starting to get conscious of them. I didn't tell him about the scars but I think I'll have tp spin him a story if things go well between us. I do quite like him and he seems normal which I am surprised at, as usually the guys you meet off line are a little odd.
I have an appointment with Sam in a couple of hours. I really don't want to go. I didn't used to be that bothered by the appointments but I really don't like going now. I don't like being challenged. I know it's all part and parcel of counselling but I don't like it. It's changed also. Before I would just talk about what I wanted to talk about and would usually only mention self harm but she seems to be focussing more on the self harm now and I find it so difficult.
I decided I am not going to mention Saturday night when I cut. I don't really have a lot to say to her. I really do think I am going to have to stop with counselling and everything and manage on my own. Perhaps I would be better on my own. I can't see any benefits really since I started all this.
I suppose I have a couple of weeks to think about it after today. I have 2 weeks off. Yay! But, what does worry me is if I decide I do want to carry on I have about 2 weeks after my 2 weeks off and then she is off for the summer school holidays.
I've had enough of it all now.
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
Fat Club - 2nd Weight In + Meeting with CPN
So,
Weight at Start 17stone.
Weight Now - 16 st 9 pounds
Weight Loss this week - 3 pounds
Total Loss - 5 pounds
I'm quite happy that I managed three pounds this week. It's working quite well this diet as I am not really trying. I am just swapping crap for fruit. And when I feel like I want to eat to comfort myself I will still but it will be a banana. I can't get enough of banana's. They have a comfort side to them. Although, I think I am spending more money on fruit than I was on crap. This eating healthy is not cheaper.
Like today. I went to the CO-OP and got some tinned grapefruit as thought that would be nice liquidised in with my pineapple and oranges, tinned pineapple, oranges, bananas and raspberries and it was £7. Fruit is not cheap.
So I am hoping that I will get my half a stone next week.
On to the next thing on the agenda.
Had my meeting with Beth the CPN today. I left feeling crap. I think a lot of the reason I feel so shit after any appointments is I don't like to be told how I am feeling. It is quite demeaning. And frustrating.
She wanted me to go in to detail about the last time that I tried to kill myself. So I told her about how back in January I knew my parents were away for a long weekend or however long it was and wanted to use that as an opportunity. I explained how I had been planning it for ages. I brought in alcohol, as I may as well go out pissed. I like to feel pissed but anyway. I said I had been planning it a while. I explained how I took an OD but not all of what I had and cut my legs really badly. I explained how I didn't know how I ended up locked in the office but my plan was to finish taking all the pills and go somewhere else and ligate. I know OD's don't get you right away and it is a long drawn out process but I wanted to cover all bases. I woke up on the floor of the office locked in. I don't even remember going in to the office. I explained to her how I went to the ED. She asked me why. I explained how I didn't go as of the OD. I didn't even tell them about it. I went because my leg was hurting and I wanted it stitching up as anything I wore was pressing on it and making it painful.
Beth said that if I really wanted to die I wouldn't have gone to the ED. And that I would have taken what else I had left that morning when I woke up. I tried to explain to her that I don't want to die at home. I don't want that for my parents. So being as though it was the middle of the day, that is why. Also, I plan my attempts in advance. It's not about how I am feeling at the time when I do it. It is my over all feelings. I didn't say this to her but, like now I am pretty stable at the moment. In that my mood is neither in my boots or is it in the trees. Yet, I know at some point it is going to change. I know, everyone has good times and bad times. But mine aren't like that. If it was just the normal feelings that everyone else got I would be able to deal with it. But it's not. And when I say everyone else I mean like people who have not had MH issues in the past. I want to make you understand I am not saying I can't cope with being a little sad as my pet dies, but it's big sad. It takes over my life. It's not like just being a little sad and being able to cope with it. I can deal with things when I know what has caused them. So, if I do feel sad because something happens I can attribute my feelings to that and deal with it. Deal with it like a rational, normal person.
It's the not knowing. The ones when it comes on from no where. Why I don't have reason to be feeling like I do, the ones where I should be feeling happy as things are going great. But for some reason, whether it be chemical, hormonal, emotional I am not. And that's another thing. When I feel like this I can't see any reason why I do. To me it comes from no where. All around me I have people telling me it has to be because of something. Well, does it? What if it is hormonal or chemical? They don't seem to want to even consider that! Anyway, I was off on one there...
But what I was saying is, it doesn't matter how I feel when I make those plans. It is the not knowing and the not wanting to go on not having control over it. I don't want these cycles all the bloody time. That is why I plan in advance, that is why I take what opportunities I am given. Like now, pretty stable but planning my own death again!
Anyway, I told Beth about that attempt on the Thursday night and how and why I didn't try on the Friday straight away. I did however try on the Saturday night. I took an OD again hoping that the pills I took would mess with my blood sugar, I cut and I did manage to make it out the house this time and I went to a quiet car park and ligated. I explained how someone must have seen me stagger, or there was CCTV and I am taken to hospital.
She seemed to think that this was an impulsive act. The second one. It was and it wasn't I suppose. It was as a result of the failure of the Thursday night and it was another go at it. She didn't seem to comprehend that making an attempt is knackering. That is takes so much energy and when you have failed you feel deflated and depressed. Too depressed to go about trying again. I said how I had felt like this for a while and one night there was an impulsive act where by I went to the Bridge and ended up on a 136. That was impulsive. That was because I was pissed and saw something. I also said to her how I would have never had jumped as I am too scared and that would not be one of my methods as I am a chicken and it was cold and I couldn't be sure it would work straight away and I don't want to go by drowning.
I just feel at appointments I am fighting my corner all the time. I come out feeling deflated. Maybe it's because I don't think about it that much before and I never know what to say. I struggle to articulate how things have been or how I feel about something.
I hate the way everything is about feelings. I don't feel anything. Not really. OK, at the moment I am feeling stressed. I have a shed load of uni work to be doing and no motivation. I am having doubts about my own ability for the course and so that makes me feel a bit shit. But, I know why that is making me feel crap. Who wouldn't if you were doubting your own ability.
All I know is at the moment I don't want to live in these cycles. I don't know when they are going to come. I don't know how long they will be there for or how they will go away. I don't like being told that there must be some emotion kicking it all off. Not necessarily. Grrrr.
We talked more about crisis resolution and the Crisis Team and how I would not contact them and why. I mentioned the going for a walk, have a bath thing and how I hated it.
To be honest I think all this therapy and psych input is a waste of time. I don't care about the blood letting. It's not an issue to me. OK, it's self harm, but it's nothing major to me. The other self harm is very often planned so far in advance that Crisis Team could do fuck all. By the time I have made up my mind there is no going back. I don't have crisis'. I make my decision and that is it. I don't have the feelings of needing to self harm as the blood letting takes this away. If I had the feelings of needing to then maybe I could see a point. The cutting I do because I enjoy it. So why would I have a crisis about that. The OD'ing; planned in advance. Again no crisis.
I don't think anyone can help me. I don't think I want help anymore. It just seems to land me in trouble anyway. I am fed up with it all and can't see the point with it all anymore. I am only doing it to keep them happy. But it makes me feel worse. I think I need to stop everything!
Weight at Start 17stone.
Weight Now - 16 st 9 pounds
Weight Loss this week - 3 pounds
Total Loss - 5 pounds
I'm quite happy that I managed three pounds this week. It's working quite well this diet as I am not really trying. I am just swapping crap for fruit. And when I feel like I want to eat to comfort myself I will still but it will be a banana. I can't get enough of banana's. They have a comfort side to them. Although, I think I am spending more money on fruit than I was on crap. This eating healthy is not cheaper.
Like today. I went to the CO-OP and got some tinned grapefruit as thought that would be nice liquidised in with my pineapple and oranges, tinned pineapple, oranges, bananas and raspberries and it was £7. Fruit is not cheap.
So I am hoping that I will get my half a stone next week.
On to the next thing on the agenda.
Had my meeting with Beth the CPN today. I left feeling crap. I think a lot of the reason I feel so shit after any appointments is I don't like to be told how I am feeling. It is quite demeaning. And frustrating.
She wanted me to go in to detail about the last time that I tried to kill myself. So I told her about how back in January I knew my parents were away for a long weekend or however long it was and wanted to use that as an opportunity. I explained how I had been planning it for ages. I brought in alcohol, as I may as well go out pissed. I like to feel pissed but anyway. I said I had been planning it a while. I explained how I took an OD but not all of what I had and cut my legs really badly. I explained how I didn't know how I ended up locked in the office but my plan was to finish taking all the pills and go somewhere else and ligate. I know OD's don't get you right away and it is a long drawn out process but I wanted to cover all bases. I woke up on the floor of the office locked in. I don't even remember going in to the office. I explained to her how I went to the ED. She asked me why. I explained how I didn't go as of the OD. I didn't even tell them about it. I went because my leg was hurting and I wanted it stitching up as anything I wore was pressing on it and making it painful.
Beth said that if I really wanted to die I wouldn't have gone to the ED. And that I would have taken what else I had left that morning when I woke up. I tried to explain to her that I don't want to die at home. I don't want that for my parents. So being as though it was the middle of the day, that is why. Also, I plan my attempts in advance. It's not about how I am feeling at the time when I do it. It is my over all feelings. I didn't say this to her but, like now I am pretty stable at the moment. In that my mood is neither in my boots or is it in the trees. Yet, I know at some point it is going to change. I know, everyone has good times and bad times. But mine aren't like that. If it was just the normal feelings that everyone else got I would be able to deal with it. But it's not. And when I say everyone else I mean like people who have not had MH issues in the past. I want to make you understand I am not saying I can't cope with being a little sad as my pet dies, but it's big sad. It takes over my life. It's not like just being a little sad and being able to cope with it. I can deal with things when I know what has caused them. So, if I do feel sad because something happens I can attribute my feelings to that and deal with it. Deal with it like a rational, normal person.
It's the not knowing. The ones when it comes on from no where. Why I don't have reason to be feeling like I do, the ones where I should be feeling happy as things are going great. But for some reason, whether it be chemical, hormonal, emotional I am not. And that's another thing. When I feel like this I can't see any reason why I do. To me it comes from no where. All around me I have people telling me it has to be because of something. Well, does it? What if it is hormonal or chemical? They don't seem to want to even consider that! Anyway, I was off on one there...
But what I was saying is, it doesn't matter how I feel when I make those plans. It is the not knowing and the not wanting to go on not having control over it. I don't want these cycles all the bloody time. That is why I plan in advance, that is why I take what opportunities I am given. Like now, pretty stable but planning my own death again!
Anyway, I told Beth about that attempt on the Thursday night and how and why I didn't try on the Friday straight away. I did however try on the Saturday night. I took an OD again hoping that the pills I took would mess with my blood sugar, I cut and I did manage to make it out the house this time and I went to a quiet car park and ligated. I explained how someone must have seen me stagger, or there was CCTV and I am taken to hospital.
She seemed to think that this was an impulsive act. The second one. It was and it wasn't I suppose. It was as a result of the failure of the Thursday night and it was another go at it. She didn't seem to comprehend that making an attempt is knackering. That is takes so much energy and when you have failed you feel deflated and depressed. Too depressed to go about trying again. I said how I had felt like this for a while and one night there was an impulsive act where by I went to the Bridge and ended up on a 136. That was impulsive. That was because I was pissed and saw something. I also said to her how I would have never had jumped as I am too scared and that would not be one of my methods as I am a chicken and it was cold and I couldn't be sure it would work straight away and I don't want to go by drowning.
I just feel at appointments I am fighting my corner all the time. I come out feeling deflated. Maybe it's because I don't think about it that much before and I never know what to say. I struggle to articulate how things have been or how I feel about something.
I hate the way everything is about feelings. I don't feel anything. Not really. OK, at the moment I am feeling stressed. I have a shed load of uni work to be doing and no motivation. I am having doubts about my own ability for the course and so that makes me feel a bit shit. But, I know why that is making me feel crap. Who wouldn't if you were doubting your own ability.
All I know is at the moment I don't want to live in these cycles. I don't know when they are going to come. I don't know how long they will be there for or how they will go away. I don't like being told that there must be some emotion kicking it all off. Not necessarily. Grrrr.
We talked more about crisis resolution and the Crisis Team and how I would not contact them and why. I mentioned the going for a walk, have a bath thing and how I hated it.
To be honest I think all this therapy and psych input is a waste of time. I don't care about the blood letting. It's not an issue to me. OK, it's self harm, but it's nothing major to me. The other self harm is very often planned so far in advance that Crisis Team could do fuck all. By the time I have made up my mind there is no going back. I don't have crisis'. I make my decision and that is it. I don't have the feelings of needing to self harm as the blood letting takes this away. If I had the feelings of needing to then maybe I could see a point. The cutting I do because I enjoy it. So why would I have a crisis about that. The OD'ing; planned in advance. Again no crisis.
I don't think anyone can help me. I don't think I want help anymore. It just seems to land me in trouble anyway. I am fed up with it all and can't see the point with it all anymore. I am only doing it to keep them happy. But it makes me feel worse. I think I need to stop everything!
Tuesday, 31 May 2011
Fat Club - End of Week 1.
Weight at beginning - 17stone.
1 week in 16stone 12. So a loss of 2lb in one week.
I'm quite happy with that. Especially as I didn't even really seem to notice. I have just been swapping crap for fruit. And a lot of it. I have easily been having 5 portions a day. However, today, I have noticed a few side effects. Diarrhea, or however you spell it. So, back on the immodium. I have got a very sensitive stomach and often have problems so I always carry round a supply of immodium, or shop brand. It's cheaper. I even know which supermarket sells it cheapest...it's Sainsburys incase you wondered.
Anyway, enough talk of poo.
So, how have I found it. I have not minded really. I can still eat when I am bored I just make sure I eat fruit. So I still binge when I feel bad, and I can still get that full feeling. I just use lots of fruit instead.
I have my operation on Thursday. If I do make it through then I am going to start being more active. As I have said before I have one of the biggest inner city parks in the UK as my back garden. I need to make use of it. It's a beautiful park also with a lovely stately home which is free to go in.
So, my plan for next week. Carry on the same as this week but with no fried chicken and chips on my way home after a night out.
1 week in 16stone 12. So a loss of 2lb in one week.
I'm quite happy with that. Especially as I didn't even really seem to notice. I have just been swapping crap for fruit. And a lot of it. I have easily been having 5 portions a day. However, today, I have noticed a few side effects. Diarrhea, or however you spell it. So, back on the immodium. I have got a very sensitive stomach and often have problems so I always carry round a supply of immodium, or shop brand. It's cheaper. I even know which supermarket sells it cheapest...it's Sainsburys incase you wondered.
Anyway, enough talk of poo.
So, how have I found it. I have not minded really. I can still eat when I am bored I just make sure I eat fruit. So I still binge when I feel bad, and I can still get that full feeling. I just use lots of fruit instead.
I have my operation on Thursday. If I do make it through then I am going to start being more active. As I have said before I have one of the biggest inner city parks in the UK as my back garden. I need to make use of it. It's a beautiful park also with a lovely stately home which is free to go in.
So, my plan for next week. Carry on the same as this week but with no fried chicken and chips on my way home after a night out.
Monday, 30 May 2011
Tipsy But Not Pissed.
I wasn't the wrecked one tonight. Although if I had have been more wrecked I would have had less points as alcohol is not as bad as crap food. Me only being a little bit drunk wanted chicken, chips and coleslaw and I had it. So probably had more than a days allowance on food than if I had had a few more drinks and was too wasted to have food.
Anyway. I went out with a couple of friends tonight to see a few bands. And. I wasn't the one who was really pissed. I got to the stage where I couldn't drink more wine and poured it between my 2 friends glasses. I was quite sensible and got a diet coke when I was thristy. I kept pulling really pissed friend away from a situation where she could have got herself in a bit of bother or could have clouded peoples judgement of her. Especially as most the people that were out were people she worked with. She's going to be hanging tomorrow. And. I'm going to feel bad as I ate that much crap.
Today with the wine, chips, amaretto, fried chicken and coleslaw there was nearly 80 points. I feel so bad for having that crap. I actually feel like sticking my fingers down my throat and getting rid of it all. I suppose in a way this who WW thing is really good, It's making me really aware of what I eat and what I drink. For instance I have had 13units of alcohol tonight alone. That's one bottle of wine, plus one large glass of wine plus two amaretto and diet cokes. Usually I wouldn't think twice about it. But in counting callories and points it's really making me aware of what is in what. And It is stopping me binging. I had food tonight as I was hungary and with the alcohol I was craving chicken and coleslaw.
So tomorrow. I am on a mission to have as little food as possible. My snack foods are going to be fruit. I am going to sleep until late and make up for the SHIT day I have had today!
Who's with me???
Anyway. I went out with a couple of friends tonight to see a few bands. And. I wasn't the one who was really pissed. I got to the stage where I couldn't drink more wine and poured it between my 2 friends glasses. I was quite sensible and got a diet coke when I was thristy. I kept pulling really pissed friend away from a situation where she could have got herself in a bit of bother or could have clouded peoples judgement of her. Especially as most the people that were out were people she worked with. She's going to be hanging tomorrow. And. I'm going to feel bad as I ate that much crap.
Today with the wine, chips, amaretto, fried chicken and coleslaw there was nearly 80 points. I feel so bad for having that crap. I actually feel like sticking my fingers down my throat and getting rid of it all. I suppose in a way this who WW thing is really good, It's making me really aware of what I eat and what I drink. For instance I have had 13units of alcohol tonight alone. That's one bottle of wine, plus one large glass of wine plus two amaretto and diet cokes. Usually I wouldn't think twice about it. But in counting callories and points it's really making me aware of what is in what. And It is stopping me binging. I had food tonight as I was hungary and with the alcohol I was craving chicken and coleslaw.
So tomorrow. I am on a mission to have as little food as possible. My snack foods are going to be fruit. I am going to sleep until late and make up for the SHIT day I have had today!
Who's with me???
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
First Meeting
So I went to my first fat club meeting today. Also know as Weight Watchers. It went ok but I am not keen on the leader. She's a bit excitable. A bit over the top. The whole idea surrounding it with the new points system seems as though it could work ok. It's all a points based system. I quite like that as means that I am more aware of what I am eating. Also there are quite a few no point foods on there. Obviously I am going to have to make some changes. Which means no binging on chocolate or crap. But the boredom eating I should be able to combat through eating no point foods. These include things like fruit. So I can eat all the strawberries I want. I can also sprinkle on sweetener rather than sugar and keep it at no points.
I think my main problem is snacking and comfort eating. If I can make the swaps then it should work for me. I need to get more active though. At the moment it's a pain as of my ankle. It is hurting quite a bit more now I am out of the cast so I am being really weary of what I do. Once that heals though I am going to start going on the park and being more active. I have considered swimming but not sure with the scars. I considered female only in the evening but not sure if I want to get my legs out as I am over conscious of them. I do love swimming though. I always have. When I was younger (a lot younger) I was in swimming clubs and was really good. I used to swim at school and do well in competitions. I stopped going as I moved clubs as my instructor moved and some of the girls in the new club bullied me. So I gave it up. But I could swim even with my ankle being dodgy as the water would support it more. But, I still have the problem with the scars. They are just about healed now. It's only taken more than 4 months! But it's obvious scaring!
I lost 2 stone through WW about 6 years ago. It worked well for me and I felt as though I had a lot more confidence when I have lost some weight. So I hope that this is the last time that I will go for it.
I've got an appointment with Sam later. I'm dreading it. I've stopped telling her a lot about how I am feeling. For instance there is no way I am going to tell her about my plans for the end of July. I mentioned that I would probably cut while parents are away and she seemed as though she was really pissed off with me. So I won't be talking about it anymore.
I am feeling a bit emotional today. I hope that doesn't mean I will start crying in the appointment later. I was sat in the WW meeting and I just wanted to cry! I don't know why. But I thought I was going to have to leave as I could feel it coming on. I don't know why I wanted to cry. It came from no where.
I'm a bit nervous about the appointment today. She wanted me to try the whole 10 minute rule thing. I haven't. I've just let anyway. I explained to her last week that once I made the decision to let then there was no point in me trying that. Also as I don't see that as a problem then I don't see the point in waiting 10 minutes. I said it's so mundane to me it's like putting off getting a cup of tea and see how you feel in 10 minutes. No different.
Are my thoughts becoming twisted? Does is sound rational what I am saying?
I think my main problem is snacking and comfort eating. If I can make the swaps then it should work for me. I need to get more active though. At the moment it's a pain as of my ankle. It is hurting quite a bit more now I am out of the cast so I am being really weary of what I do. Once that heals though I am going to start going on the park and being more active. I have considered swimming but not sure with the scars. I considered female only in the evening but not sure if I want to get my legs out as I am over conscious of them. I do love swimming though. I always have. When I was younger (a lot younger) I was in swimming clubs and was really good. I used to swim at school and do well in competitions. I stopped going as I moved clubs as my instructor moved and some of the girls in the new club bullied me. So I gave it up. But I could swim even with my ankle being dodgy as the water would support it more. But, I still have the problem with the scars. They are just about healed now. It's only taken more than 4 months! But it's obvious scaring!
I lost 2 stone through WW about 6 years ago. It worked well for me and I felt as though I had a lot more confidence when I have lost some weight. So I hope that this is the last time that I will go for it.
I've got an appointment with Sam later. I'm dreading it. I've stopped telling her a lot about how I am feeling. For instance there is no way I am going to tell her about my plans for the end of July. I mentioned that I would probably cut while parents are away and she seemed as though she was really pissed off with me. So I won't be talking about it anymore.
I am feeling a bit emotional today. I hope that doesn't mean I will start crying in the appointment later. I was sat in the WW meeting and I just wanted to cry! I don't know why. But I thought I was going to have to leave as I could feel it coming on. I don't know why I wanted to cry. It came from no where.
I'm a bit nervous about the appointment today. She wanted me to try the whole 10 minute rule thing. I haven't. I've just let anyway. I explained to her last week that once I made the decision to let then there was no point in me trying that. Also as I don't see that as a problem then I don't see the point in waiting 10 minutes. I said it's so mundane to me it's like putting off getting a cup of tea and see how you feel in 10 minutes. No different.
Are my thoughts becoming twisted? Does is sound rational what I am saying?
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
Doing Something Good...
I've joined Weight Watchers. My plan, so put full details on here. That way if other people are following my weight loss I will get support. And yes, I do need to lose weight as my BMI is currently around 37. I was weighed at the hospital yesterday for my pre-operative assessment and I was 107kg. That's nearly 17 stone. So tomorrow I plan on getting up at a normal time and I am going to my first meeting. I will get weighed properly and I am going to detail it all on here about what I have done.
My weight is one of the things that has been affecting me for a while. It does get me down quite a bit. I am lucky in a way that it is proportionate and I have a curvy figure that goes in and out in the right places. But I want it to be smaller. Currently I am a size 20 bottom (UK) or in US a size 16 and a 18 UK on top or 14US. I would like to be about a size 14 (UK) all over. I would like to lose around 5stone. I have lost about 2 stone before on the WW diet and I know it works for me. According to the NHS for my weight to be in healthy ranges it needs to be somewhere between 8stone 8 and 11 stone 8. So if I lost 5 stone that would put me in normal ranges.
I would like to say I am going to follow an exercise plan also. But, I am a bit crap with the motivation for that. But. I have one of the UK's largest inner city parks as my back garden. I have a gate on to the park. I should make the most of it. I have a dog. And I have a bike. There is no reason why I should not be using these.
My leg is out of cast now. It is a bit soon to be exercising but there is no reason why in a couple of weeks I should not be able to. It is still sore and I am struggling with bits. Like I forget it hurts and I go and sit on it and then that really hurts.
So, will you support me? I know a few people read this and I thought if making it kind of public then it would be more motivating for me.
I do live with my parents and my mum cooks meals at night, generally they are healthy. My problems are with snacking and bingeing. I think I binge when I am feeling crap in myself, and when I am bored. But, if you have tips etc please pass them my way and I need all the help I can get as I sometimes lack motivation and if I have people bugging me about it then it will help.
xxx
My weight is one of the things that has been affecting me for a while. It does get me down quite a bit. I am lucky in a way that it is proportionate and I have a curvy figure that goes in and out in the right places. But I want it to be smaller. Currently I am a size 20 bottom (UK) or in US a size 16 and a 18 UK on top or 14US. I would like to be about a size 14 (UK) all over. I would like to lose around 5stone. I have lost about 2 stone before on the WW diet and I know it works for me. According to the NHS for my weight to be in healthy ranges it needs to be somewhere between 8stone 8 and 11 stone 8. So if I lost 5 stone that would put me in normal ranges.
I would like to say I am going to follow an exercise plan also. But, I am a bit crap with the motivation for that. But. I have one of the UK's largest inner city parks as my back garden. I have a gate on to the park. I should make the most of it. I have a dog. And I have a bike. There is no reason why I should not be using these.
My leg is out of cast now. It is a bit soon to be exercising but there is no reason why in a couple of weeks I should not be able to. It is still sore and I am struggling with bits. Like I forget it hurts and I go and sit on it and then that really hurts.
So, will you support me? I know a few people read this and I thought if making it kind of public then it would be more motivating for me.
I do live with my parents and my mum cooks meals at night, generally they are healthy. My problems are with snacking and bingeing. I think I binge when I am feeling crap in myself, and when I am bored. But, if you have tips etc please pass them my way and I need all the help I can get as I sometimes lack motivation and if I have people bugging me about it then it will help.
xxx
Monday, 14 March 2011
Titles A Waste Of Time.
Not blogged properly in a few days. I suppose because I have not had an awful lot to blog about. I was hoping I would be able to blog about my placement but because what I do is quite specialised I wouldn't be able to say much without giving away who I am and possibly putting my clients at risk.
I've not been that good over the past couple of weeks. I have found new ways in which I am self harming and also attempting suicide.
Last weekend I started swallowing stuff. I say that like it's been an ongoing thing but it hasn't. I would say it's something new. But it's not. A few years ago I did it a few times. Weird things. Like pen tops, paperclips, anything metal. I went to hospital about it once as I did regret straightening out the paperclip and swallowing it. I had x-rays done and that was it. Was told to go back if had any pain. I didn't so I didn't go back. I also had this weird thing of not wanting to actually admit to what I had done so spoke in code or said I couldn't remember when asked about it. I do it a lot now. Sometimes I can't remember but when I am ashamed or embarrassed about what I have done, say for example inserted something in my leg when I have cut it, or taken an od the day before, I don't say anything about it. I will lead them to it somehow but wont actually tell them. I don't know why this is. Sometimes it is a case of I don't remember. And then I have to say something as if I can't lead them to it and I don't remember, well, it could get me in to trouble. So I have to say, I can't remember but I have done such and such in the past. It makes me feel so stupid.
Anyway. Last weekend. Friday night I swallowed some metal. You know on a can (coke can) when you pull the ring pull the bit that goes inside. Well there is like an edging on that and I pulled it off and straightened it out and swallowed it. On Saturday I just decided to swallow a hypodermic needle.
When I have worked on Psychiatric wards in the past the methods that people succeeded in that I knew of were of them swallowing something. OK it was a pen they swallowed. There is no way I could do that. I have a terrible gag reflex (which coincidentally makes me crap at deep throating....sorry had to throw that in there and lower the tone. Lol).
I know of one patient who died from doing this and another who very nearly died and would have done had she not told anyone. I actually raised massive concerns over this particular member of staff which was supposed to be supervising as the patient was not allowed pen access and she was sat there reading a news paper while in a room with high risk patients who were all supervised with pens. She didn't notice this patient who I will name Jane leave the room with the pen. I know it sounds really over the top but these patients knew every trick in the book. I'll write more about Jane and the member of staff who I will name Eileen later.
So having this knowledge and speaking in great details to the surgeons that operated on Jane I hoped that in swallowing it, it would perforate somewhere and, either, cause internal bleeding or, cause massive infections. Well it's been a week and nothing. The thing is I am not sure if it has passed through. If I thought it had I would swallow another one. But what worries me is if it didn't do what I wanted it to do and it caused unbearable pain and they found it, with it just being one I could plead ignorance. With more than one I will be asked questions and possibly sectioned. From what Nurseman Mike was saying last time he said it wont be long before I am as it's all getting out of control.
My other method of trying to top myself is by trying to cause air bubbles in my blood. How have I been doing this? When I blood let, when I have found a vein I have been blowing as hard as possible in to the end of the needle. On Saturday I thought I had finally mastered it as I went all dizzy and it hurt when I breathed. But no, I woke up again on Sunday morning. The only tell tale sign was that my hand and arm had swelled up to unusual proportions and crackled when you pressed on them. I know I have to be careful with this blood letting thing as I look like a junkie. I went to visit one guy today who was an IV drug user (crack and heroin in case you are interested) and I looked at his hands and wrists and they looked like mine. Scary. So maybe only forearms and elbows from now on.
I am so bloody angry at the moment. I can't stand being around my Dad and he just keeps irritating me and winding me up. He started on Saturday and he thinks it's funny to do it to me. So, back to my room it is where I can keep out the way of anyone. I don't have to be sociable or put on airs and graces when I am in my room. I just don't want to be around him at the moment as every thing he does he really annoying me.
Like today he got back from work and had a go at me as I hadn't put the oven on to heat up his dinner. I said that I wasn't having any and I shouldn't have to always consider his every whim and need and run around after him. Actually I didn't say that. I started off shouting down stairs hello in a nice polite way as it's just easier rather than not saying anything. It's easier to pretend than have the "what's your pissing problem, you are always in a bloody mood, cheer up and don't get so stressed, you are a miserable cow" rant. Which doesn't go down well and usually makes me want to cry or shout at him to piss off and then I will usually slam a door and get really angry which usually results in me crying as I only really cry when I am angry. Anyway, I said hi all nice and polite and the response was "UH! Didn't anyone think to put the bloody oven on". To which I responded I am not eating that as I don't like bollognase and it only takes a few minutes to heat up. I then calmly closed my bedroom door and muttered curses under my breath and ignored him. Yay for me! Not rising to it!
It sounds awful and I feel so bad for saying it out loud, ok not out loud but articulating it that even the sight of him drives me mad at the moment. Why does everyone have to run around after him. It really pisses me off. Like if my mum is in late meetings and I have a late one at work I can come home and he will be sat there in one room the rest of the house will be cold and dark. He will have been in since about 3 ish and I will get back at 7 and he will ask me what is for dinner. The dog will have not been out and he expects me to run around after him. So I take the dog out and usually if it is the case where my mum has not left anything he will never think to do something him self. Why should my mum have to run around after him all the time. And there is no way he will have say spaghetti and egg on toast as a one off for dinner. NO, it needs to be a proper cooked dinner with veg etc. If it was just my mum and me we would have things like stir frys, baked potato, easy quick meals. Occasionally we'd have a proper dinner but we are both happy with easy simple things and because he isn't she has to do the running around after him.
Ok rant about that over.
On SF I spoke to a couple of people about what I have been doing and one person on there has said I need to talk to Sam about it. I know she would probably have to break confidentiality if I did. They can if there is a serious risk of harm to you or another and that would constitute it really. I have said I hope it does harm me so that side of me doesn't want to tell anyone. Then the other side of me that worries about placement doesn't want to have to miss placement because of something that may happen.Do you get what I mean. I don't want to have to hold on placement because I have to go in to hospital for the metal in me. Have to explain what it's all about. As far as my parents are aware I have had 3 hospital admissions in the last 9 months. As far as my brother is aware it's 4. Only one of these has been genuine. Ok that was due to reckless behaviour of getting a motorbike in Asia and falling off and not looking after the wound properly. But was a pretty genuine reason to be in. The others have been due to self harm. They know one of them was and they think the other is related to a UTI and the extra one my brother knows about is due to a heart arrhythmia. But it was because I self harmed, took an od and then had my clothes cut off me. I had to ring my brother tell him I went in as my heart was going far too fast. I took my clothes off for an ECG and then I put them under the trolley. I said I was then moved around and lost track of my clothes.
I am so sick of the lies and it's getting hard to keep up with them.
I want to die. I don't want to live. But, I don't know how long I will be around for. So I may as well try and get somewhere in my life with the course in the mean time. I want to do well on it. Yes, running away seems to appealing. I know that I haven't got the balls to do it though. I haven't got balls for anything as I am not a bloke, but you get what I mean right?
If I was going to attempt in such an obvious suicide way I would need to make sure it worked. Couldn't have the not working and then have people know I tried. With the air on the blood thing I doubt it would be classed as suicide but perhaps a self harm episode that went too far and accidental as the air thing wasn't intented. Yet I write about things like this on here and I know if I was to go in slightly suspicious circumstances then the first thing that would be looked at would be my laptop. They would then probably also find tracks to SF. So I suppose would I need to delete everything. But then, I would be dead. I would be gone. I wouldn't care. I know I am getting worse as I am not actually too concerned about people knowing it was suicide. I am bothered about it failing and people knowing it was a suicide attempt but if it worked. Then I suppose that's a whole different matter. I just need to be sure what ever I did worked. And for me is the least painful and doesn't take as much courage as say jumping in front of a train or off a bridge.
I am thinking about coming off the Mirtazapine. I can't stop eating. I want to blame it on that as I know what it has done to me in the past. But I am putting on weight. I am not a thin girl anyway. I have been unhappy with my weight since I was about 12. I am currently a size 18-20 (US I think 14-16) I am 5'8 and I go in and out in the right places and it's evenly proportioned. But I want to be a size 12 (uk). Actually I would be happy with a 14. When I was travelling and when I came back I lost about 1.5 stone in a few weeks as of being ill. But now I can't stop eating. I am craving junk and sweet stuff all the bloody time. It's making me really miserable. I know I need to take the metformin better as it does help a little bit with the cravings. But on top of all my other issues I have this to contend with also. I often think if I were thin would I still have the same problems. Or would they still be there. Or is it having done through over half my life being overweight has that contributed to how I am think about things now.
I have never actually talked about my weight in therapy as it is something I am really embarrassed about. I know when I am feeling bad I crave more crap and I comfort eat. And then I feel worse for that so I eat even more. I read blogs such as Bippidee's who has an ED and wish I was her size. I find it really hard to understand ED's. Mainly as I always compare myself to them and think that "you think you are fat....err HELLLLLOOOOOO, standing in front of you". I think being too thin is much more socially accepted as being overweight. Say if I weighed 8 stone. At my height that would make me only just on the underweight side. If I got to what I wanted to weigh then I would still be outside the range of normal on the BMI. I read these blogs of people with ED's and it makes me feel worse. I wish I could purge after eating. I wish I could do all that, without the having to weigh myself 10 times a day. There are days where I can not eat at all. I have done it before where I haven't eaten as a control thing when I have been a bit manic you could say...like when Gom broke up with me, it wasn't the relationship grief it was me wanting to have some control in my life. I have also done it before back when I was OD'ing every week. I felt I couldn't control the SH and the suicidal thoughts but I could control that. It was only nearly blacking out while driving and nearly causing an accident that I thought that I could injure or kill someone other than myself and that I couldn't take that risk. So why can't I have that now. Do I need to be manic to have that control? It is generally when I more hyper and unorganised. When I can't concentrate on anything and it lasts a few days. Why can't I have the same self control as a lot of other people do when it comes to food. Why do I crave the crap? I am going to try and ensure I keep on top of taking the metformin this week see if that reduces it. I have appointment with Dr T in 2 weeks. If it continues I'll tell him I want him to prescribe me something else. Something that will knock me out at night but not have same effect on my appetite. If he doesn't I'll just stop taking them anyway. So I will give it 2 weeks and see how things go.
Speaking of Dr T. I had a phone call today from my GP surgery saying they had had a letter from him and they wanted me to go in for blood tests as Dr T was concerned I was anaemic. My first thought was I will go a bit OTT on the iron tablets so I have high iron levels in my blood...that will confuse them? Why did I think that? But no, I am going to continue the way I am with letting as and when I need to.
I wonder if that means the GP surgery have only received a letter from him today if it also means that crisis team have only just had one. He was going to get them to contact me. I don't want to call them. Also the more I read peoples blogs about crisis teams it def puts me off calling them. No way can I be honest and say I have suicidal thoughts almost constantly if they are going to send the police round to make sure I am ok and drag me to hospital or if they will make me go down to the ED. I can't have them coming here as I live with my parents and they don't know anything. So calling them isn't really an option. I hope that with me being on their books still that it is stopping someone who really will make use of them and would be better for them to be on rather than me.
That's all I can be bothered to write about today. Next time I will write about my job in a medium secure forensic female PD ward. If you read this and you think you have problems...wait til you hear some of my stories. Hopefully I can keep it a bit more light hearted than this on.
I appreciate any comments made so if you have read this far please feel free to comment and tell me how mad I am.
xxxx
I've not been that good over the past couple of weeks. I have found new ways in which I am self harming and also attempting suicide.
Last weekend I started swallowing stuff. I say that like it's been an ongoing thing but it hasn't. I would say it's something new. But it's not. A few years ago I did it a few times. Weird things. Like pen tops, paperclips, anything metal. I went to hospital about it once as I did regret straightening out the paperclip and swallowing it. I had x-rays done and that was it. Was told to go back if had any pain. I didn't so I didn't go back. I also had this weird thing of not wanting to actually admit to what I had done so spoke in code or said I couldn't remember when asked about it. I do it a lot now. Sometimes I can't remember but when I am ashamed or embarrassed about what I have done, say for example inserted something in my leg when I have cut it, or taken an od the day before, I don't say anything about it. I will lead them to it somehow but wont actually tell them. I don't know why this is. Sometimes it is a case of I don't remember. And then I have to say something as if I can't lead them to it and I don't remember, well, it could get me in to trouble. So I have to say, I can't remember but I have done such and such in the past. It makes me feel so stupid.
Anyway. Last weekend. Friday night I swallowed some metal. You know on a can (coke can) when you pull the ring pull the bit that goes inside. Well there is like an edging on that and I pulled it off and straightened it out and swallowed it. On Saturday I just decided to swallow a hypodermic needle.
When I have worked on Psychiatric wards in the past the methods that people succeeded in that I knew of were of them swallowing something. OK it was a pen they swallowed. There is no way I could do that. I have a terrible gag reflex (which coincidentally makes me crap at deep throating....sorry had to throw that in there and lower the tone. Lol).
I know of one patient who died from doing this and another who very nearly died and would have done had she not told anyone. I actually raised massive concerns over this particular member of staff which was supposed to be supervising as the patient was not allowed pen access and she was sat there reading a news paper while in a room with high risk patients who were all supervised with pens. She didn't notice this patient who I will name Jane leave the room with the pen. I know it sounds really over the top but these patients knew every trick in the book. I'll write more about Jane and the member of staff who I will name Eileen later.
So having this knowledge and speaking in great details to the surgeons that operated on Jane I hoped that in swallowing it, it would perforate somewhere and, either, cause internal bleeding or, cause massive infections. Well it's been a week and nothing. The thing is I am not sure if it has passed through. If I thought it had I would swallow another one. But what worries me is if it didn't do what I wanted it to do and it caused unbearable pain and they found it, with it just being one I could plead ignorance. With more than one I will be asked questions and possibly sectioned. From what Nurseman Mike was saying last time he said it wont be long before I am as it's all getting out of control.
My other method of trying to top myself is by trying to cause air bubbles in my blood. How have I been doing this? When I blood let, when I have found a vein I have been blowing as hard as possible in to the end of the needle. On Saturday I thought I had finally mastered it as I went all dizzy and it hurt when I breathed. But no, I woke up again on Sunday morning. The only tell tale sign was that my hand and arm had swelled up to unusual proportions and crackled when you pressed on them. I know I have to be careful with this blood letting thing as I look like a junkie. I went to visit one guy today who was an IV drug user (crack and heroin in case you are interested) and I looked at his hands and wrists and they looked like mine. Scary. So maybe only forearms and elbows from now on.
I am so bloody angry at the moment. I can't stand being around my Dad and he just keeps irritating me and winding me up. He started on Saturday and he thinks it's funny to do it to me. So, back to my room it is where I can keep out the way of anyone. I don't have to be sociable or put on airs and graces when I am in my room. I just don't want to be around him at the moment as every thing he does he really annoying me.
Like today he got back from work and had a go at me as I hadn't put the oven on to heat up his dinner. I said that I wasn't having any and I shouldn't have to always consider his every whim and need and run around after him. Actually I didn't say that. I started off shouting down stairs hello in a nice polite way as it's just easier rather than not saying anything. It's easier to pretend than have the "what's your pissing problem, you are always in a bloody mood, cheer up and don't get so stressed, you are a miserable cow" rant. Which doesn't go down well and usually makes me want to cry or shout at him to piss off and then I will usually slam a door and get really angry which usually results in me crying as I only really cry when I am angry. Anyway, I said hi all nice and polite and the response was "UH! Didn't anyone think to put the bloody oven on". To which I responded I am not eating that as I don't like bollognase and it only takes a few minutes to heat up. I then calmly closed my bedroom door and muttered curses under my breath and ignored him. Yay for me! Not rising to it!
It sounds awful and I feel so bad for saying it out loud, ok not out loud but articulating it that even the sight of him drives me mad at the moment. Why does everyone have to run around after him. It really pisses me off. Like if my mum is in late meetings and I have a late one at work I can come home and he will be sat there in one room the rest of the house will be cold and dark. He will have been in since about 3 ish and I will get back at 7 and he will ask me what is for dinner. The dog will have not been out and he expects me to run around after him. So I take the dog out and usually if it is the case where my mum has not left anything he will never think to do something him self. Why should my mum have to run around after him all the time. And there is no way he will have say spaghetti and egg on toast as a one off for dinner. NO, it needs to be a proper cooked dinner with veg etc. If it was just my mum and me we would have things like stir frys, baked potato, easy quick meals. Occasionally we'd have a proper dinner but we are both happy with easy simple things and because he isn't she has to do the running around after him.
Ok rant about that over.
On SF I spoke to a couple of people about what I have been doing and one person on there has said I need to talk to Sam about it. I know she would probably have to break confidentiality if I did. They can if there is a serious risk of harm to you or another and that would constitute it really. I have said I hope it does harm me so that side of me doesn't want to tell anyone. Then the other side of me that worries about placement doesn't want to have to miss placement because of something that may happen.Do you get what I mean. I don't want to have to hold on placement because I have to go in to hospital for the metal in me. Have to explain what it's all about. As far as my parents are aware I have had 3 hospital admissions in the last 9 months. As far as my brother is aware it's 4. Only one of these has been genuine. Ok that was due to reckless behaviour of getting a motorbike in Asia and falling off and not looking after the wound properly. But was a pretty genuine reason to be in. The others have been due to self harm. They know one of them was and they think the other is related to a UTI and the extra one my brother knows about is due to a heart arrhythmia. But it was because I self harmed, took an od and then had my clothes cut off me. I had to ring my brother tell him I went in as my heart was going far too fast. I took my clothes off for an ECG and then I put them under the trolley. I said I was then moved around and lost track of my clothes.
I am so sick of the lies and it's getting hard to keep up with them.
I want to die. I don't want to live. But, I don't know how long I will be around for. So I may as well try and get somewhere in my life with the course in the mean time. I want to do well on it. Yes, running away seems to appealing. I know that I haven't got the balls to do it though. I haven't got balls for anything as I am not a bloke, but you get what I mean right?
If I was going to attempt in such an obvious suicide way I would need to make sure it worked. Couldn't have the not working and then have people know I tried. With the air on the blood thing I doubt it would be classed as suicide but perhaps a self harm episode that went too far and accidental as the air thing wasn't intented. Yet I write about things like this on here and I know if I was to go in slightly suspicious circumstances then the first thing that would be looked at would be my laptop. They would then probably also find tracks to SF. So I suppose would I need to delete everything. But then, I would be dead. I would be gone. I wouldn't care. I know I am getting worse as I am not actually too concerned about people knowing it was suicide. I am bothered about it failing and people knowing it was a suicide attempt but if it worked. Then I suppose that's a whole different matter. I just need to be sure what ever I did worked. And for me is the least painful and doesn't take as much courage as say jumping in front of a train or off a bridge.
I am thinking about coming off the Mirtazapine. I can't stop eating. I want to blame it on that as I know what it has done to me in the past. But I am putting on weight. I am not a thin girl anyway. I have been unhappy with my weight since I was about 12. I am currently a size 18-20 (US I think 14-16) I am 5'8 and I go in and out in the right places and it's evenly proportioned. But I want to be a size 12 (uk). Actually I would be happy with a 14. When I was travelling and when I came back I lost about 1.5 stone in a few weeks as of being ill. But now I can't stop eating. I am craving junk and sweet stuff all the bloody time. It's making me really miserable. I know I need to take the metformin better as it does help a little bit with the cravings. But on top of all my other issues I have this to contend with also. I often think if I were thin would I still have the same problems. Or would they still be there. Or is it having done through over half my life being overweight has that contributed to how I am think about things now.
I have never actually talked about my weight in therapy as it is something I am really embarrassed about. I know when I am feeling bad I crave more crap and I comfort eat. And then I feel worse for that so I eat even more. I read blogs such as Bippidee's who has an ED and wish I was her size. I find it really hard to understand ED's. Mainly as I always compare myself to them and think that "you think you are fat....err HELLLLLOOOOOO, standing in front of you". I think being too thin is much more socially accepted as being overweight. Say if I weighed 8 stone. At my height that would make me only just on the underweight side. If I got to what I wanted to weigh then I would still be outside the range of normal on the BMI. I read these blogs of people with ED's and it makes me feel worse. I wish I could purge after eating. I wish I could do all that, without the having to weigh myself 10 times a day. There are days where I can not eat at all. I have done it before where I haven't eaten as a control thing when I have been a bit manic you could say...like when Gom broke up with me, it wasn't the relationship grief it was me wanting to have some control in my life. I have also done it before back when I was OD'ing every week. I felt I couldn't control the SH and the suicidal thoughts but I could control that. It was only nearly blacking out while driving and nearly causing an accident that I thought that I could injure or kill someone other than myself and that I couldn't take that risk. So why can't I have that now. Do I need to be manic to have that control? It is generally when I more hyper and unorganised. When I can't concentrate on anything and it lasts a few days. Why can't I have the same self control as a lot of other people do when it comes to food. Why do I crave the crap? I am going to try and ensure I keep on top of taking the metformin this week see if that reduces it. I have appointment with Dr T in 2 weeks. If it continues I'll tell him I want him to prescribe me something else. Something that will knock me out at night but not have same effect on my appetite. If he doesn't I'll just stop taking them anyway. So I will give it 2 weeks and see how things go.
Speaking of Dr T. I had a phone call today from my GP surgery saying they had had a letter from him and they wanted me to go in for blood tests as Dr T was concerned I was anaemic. My first thought was I will go a bit OTT on the iron tablets so I have high iron levels in my blood...that will confuse them? Why did I think that? But no, I am going to continue the way I am with letting as and when I need to.
I wonder if that means the GP surgery have only received a letter from him today if it also means that crisis team have only just had one. He was going to get them to contact me. I don't want to call them. Also the more I read peoples blogs about crisis teams it def puts me off calling them. No way can I be honest and say I have suicidal thoughts almost constantly if they are going to send the police round to make sure I am ok and drag me to hospital or if they will make me go down to the ED. I can't have them coming here as I live with my parents and they don't know anything. So calling them isn't really an option. I hope that with me being on their books still that it is stopping someone who really will make use of them and would be better for them to be on rather than me.
That's all I can be bothered to write about today. Next time I will write about my job in a medium secure forensic female PD ward. If you read this and you think you have problems...wait til you hear some of my stories. Hopefully I can keep it a bit more light hearted than this on.
I appreciate any comments made so if you have read this far please feel free to comment and tell me how mad I am.
xxxx
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