Saturday, 18 June 2011

New Placement and Birthdays

I start my new placement on Monday and I am dreading it. It's with kids. Young kids. Yuk. I can deal with teenagers, you can begin to rationalise with them. But kids under 5. Not my cup of tea. It doesn't help that I am miles away. And, my car is due MOT in the next couple of weeks and there is no way my shed will make it through. Not when it's a P reg rust bucket. So I don't know what I am going to do.

I'm really not feeling good about this placement. I know very little of policies etc when it comes to kids. Not that I know loads when it comes to adults but I feel as though my experience lies with adults and there is not that many policies really. I have a good grasp of the Children Act. But that is it. I have a  better grasp of NHS Community Care and Mental Health Acts which have been put to use in my previous placements. But I am really not feeling confident or good about it in anyway. I am also being sent to one of the most scumy areas there is in the county. As I have said before I don't like chavs, and I have a feeling this is going to be all about the chavs. I know, I really shouldn't be saying this considering I am training to be a social worker.

However, this is not as bad as someone in one of our lectures, someone who states she wants to be a mental health social worker, someone who wants to be a social worker care is for the best as what will happen if all group care ended as there is no way she would want to live next door to someone with mental health problems. People actually walked out the lecture. I don't blame them. Statistically 1 in 3 of us in that room will suffer with a mental health problem at some point in their life. I also know, that there is not just me but someone else who has said to me he has had problems. Someone else has also said they took an OD when they were 17. So that's 3 of us already! And there is probably more I don't know about.

So, yeah there were a few people pissed off when this all happened. This person has also said before that she thought that disabled people shouldn't be allowed to have children. Disgusting really. So me saying I don't like chavs is hardly that bad in comparison. And anyway, I am a good worker. I do leave all my values at the door and don't let my personal opinions impact on my practice or judgement. I would bang on about how that is all anti oppressive etc, but this is not an essay for uni.

It's my birthday next week. I don't really feel like celebrating. I don't want to get any older. It's all quite depressing really. I think one of the reasons I don't feel like celebrating is because no one else does. It would be nice if my friends decided that they would like to celebrate it and did something for me but that wont happen. If I am lucky I'll get a brief Facebook message and that's it. Birthdays get crapper the older you get. Last year I spent the day in a bar in Vang Vieng (Laos) watching FRIENDS, feeling sorry for myself as I was mega hungover and didn't wake up until 2pm. I had been out the night before and as the clock turned 12 was getting free drinks in the bars. I walk home in a thunder storm, crawl across the bridge as I was scared as it was rickety (a nice Lao person helped me) and then fell over a bit more, cut my lip open, met my neighbour and slept with him. We were up until 8.30am and I woke up feeling worse for wear and ashamed with myself as I didn't actually like him that much. I did drink through the hangover though. At first I decided I was going to go back to my guest house, have a shower and read a book in my room on my own. Then I told myself I was being stupid so went back got showered and went out again. Getting more free drinks and drinking through the hangover.

This year I will be on the placement I don't want to be doing. No lie in. I am not even telling them on placement that it's my birthday. I always think this year it will be different and I look forward to my birthday from about Xmas until about middle May.

Then I remember

1) I am going to be a year older and have still not achieved anything in life, as by this age I expected to be married, have a couple of kids, be in a stable job and have my own nice house to live in. At my age my Mum was married with 3 kids and they lived in a nice house in a reasonable area etc etc etc. But, I suppose I should think myself lucky that I do have my parents and brothers still. At 26 my Mum lost her Dad in an accident, he was only 52. I can't remember him as I was only 1 when he dies. But I should think myself lucky that I do still have both parents and they are quite supportive of me still living at home while I am doing my Masters.

Do you ever wish you could turn back time to about when you were 12 and have done things differently. I do all the time. 12 is my time to go back, read previous posts and you will understand why. I don't like directly talking about it so I won't! I would be like Erica in Being Erica. You know, change a regret and then go back to the time you are in now. I do wonder though if I would have been better never having met Gom? And really, I am not sure if I would have, if those events that happened when I was 12 I would not have been working at the pub I was working at as we wouldn't have move house. So I wouldn't have been out with a work friend that night and possibly not have met him. And as much as I go on about hating him I do have a lot to be thankful for from him.

Another regret would be the first time I self harmed. I remember it clearly. If I could go back to then and handle things differently I would never have done it. I wonder what I would be doing now though if I hadn't self harmed. As what made me consider social work was the lovely social worker I used to see who was amazing, and oh yeah, I had a crush on him.

I think maybe if none of those events occurred I would probably be doing medical nursing as was a career I toyed with a few times as I went through school and even as recently as a couple of years ago. When this whole thing with uni was kicking off my Mum said to me that she wasn't sure I was doing the best thing for me and my own sanity. I said that I couldn't do a boring job where I didn't get job satisfaction and she suggested going down the medical nursing side. She even said I could still do medicine. Growing up it was my dream to be a doctor. It kind of still is. But, I don't fancy another 6 years at uni. I would have to do some kind of foundation year in something like biomedical science which I should be able to get on to as my degree is a BSc and then do medicine after. But, I don't want to be an eternal student. I want to work. And, I don't think I could work hard enough. I am average. I am average as I don't try as hard as I should do. And medicine and being average just don't go together.

And 2) I really don't like organising anything as it seems as though although people like me they would rather have teeth pulled than maybe change a work day ( she was working the Saturday), make a slight effort to drive 40miles to come to a FREE BBQ where all they were expected to bring was their own supply of booze (and yes, I have travelled for other peoples birthday things) or be too busy to even let me know if they can come or not. Then usually the people that are going to come are a mix match of people from different friendship groups who don't seem to want to mix with each other as they may catch some awful air borne disease if they breath the same air. So I try and go between the two etc etc etc.

You can probably tell from reading this I am kinda pissed off with my so called friends. But, I should not have expected any better really. Maybe it's me being childish. Maybe it's me as I don't make an effort to go out with them anymore. But why should I go out to places I hate just so I can see them. I thought I was a good friend but maybe I am not. I am trying to think about what it could be that I have done, or what it is about me that people don't like enough to attend the thing I had organised for my birthday. Is it me? Do I come across as someone who is selfish and not a good friend?

Please tell me if I am doing something wrong. Or if perhaps I am being childish, or do I need to change my attitude?

Please comment on this one!!!!!!

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