Well, I still haven't had a phone call from my CPN or Dr. They could have called Friday or today and they haven't. I am quite relieved by this as I don't really want to have to go see anyone about what I have been experiencing as I don't want to end up back in hospital.
But, at the same time I think it highlights that the team aren't doing a great job. The psychologist said he was going to contact the Dr about the experiences I had been having on Friday. Maybe he hasn't been in and that is why I have not been contacted. But the psychologist seems to think I need medicating. I said that I was already on Quetiapine which is an anti-psychotic so I didn't think they would change anything and he said he still wanted to speak with the Dr anyway.
I am not bothered that they have not contacted me anyway. I am going to stop taking my meds as I don't think they actually do anything for me. I am on a mood stabiliser which although has stopped the highs (which I liked) I still get the depressions. I am on an anti-depressant, yet look at me now. And again I am on an anti-psychotic, it's not like that is doing any good for me is it. I hate taking all the meds I am on. It's like they rule my life and I can't be doing with it. Not going to say anything to anyone as again I don't want them hauling me in to hospital. But I don't think it will make much difference anyway. It might stop me sleeping 14 hours a night, feeling like a zombie the next day and eating half the daily intake of the food in China each day. I need to stop taking them. I am not going to be ruled by them.
Put application in on a flat today. I am getting closer.
Showing posts with label CPN. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CPN. Show all posts
Monday, 28 January 2013
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
More On Yesterday's Post.
I wanted to talk more about how I feel and yesterday's post. I couldn't write all I wanted to as I did it from my phone and I have fat fingers so can't use the querty key pad so I do it on the numeric pad and it takes ages.
Anyway, I wanted to write down my feelings more so I can make sense of them. I went to see Sam today and I said I was feeling low and the thoughts of suicide were coming in thick and fast. I explained how I hadn't made a plan but I had thought of a few different methods that I could use. I also said I thought that a lot of this was because I feel as though I have no purpose.
Currently I don't do anything at all during the day. I have no purpose. But I feel as though I am in a vicious circle. I talked at length with Sam about this as I feel as I get lower the less I want to do anything about it. I said that the thoughts make me feel angry and sad. These thoughts and feelings usually lead to behaviours, and if you have read my blog in the past you know what these behaviours are. I feel unmotivated at the moment as I do feel low. Being unmotivated means I stay in bed til lunch time and don't do anything during the day unless someone makes me. This will be my mum making me get showered and dressed or having appointments I need to attend. The feeling of not having purpose comes from not being at uni.
When I was at uni I felt I had some purpose in life in that I was learning so that eventually I could give something back. It gave me structure, it gave me routine, it gave me some sense of achievement when I passed assignments or got positive feedback on something I'd done. Although the course was not without it's stress it was something I enjoyed. And it's been taken away from me. So yeah, I know and I have been told by numerous people that it's quite normal that I feel low.
I have thought about volunteer work so I feel as though I do have some purpose and I can give something back to society but if I am truthful I don't want to do it. I don't feel as though I can do it at the moment. I know I will need to get some paid employment eventually but again at the moment I don't feel as though I could hold a job down. Not with my lack of motivation and lack of concentration.
So there is the circle. I don't have the energy to help myself at the moment and so it makes me feel worse.
I had a phone call from Beth earlier (my CPN/CCO if you had forgotten who she is), I am still seeing her on a weekly basis, she has referred me to OT in the community. They are coming with her tomorrow to see what they can offer me. But again, I have the feeling of not wanting to do anything. I had planned what I wanted to do and it was taken away from me and I don't want to do anything else. I know I need to take responsibility for how I am feeling and not let it spiral again, but I don't think I can.
I am also feeling shit about the medication I have to take at the moment. It's a ball ache sorting it all out. It wasn't so bad when I was in hospital as all I would have to do is go collect it and swallow it but doing it myself is just annoying. I also think the Sodium Valporate is causing me to have extreme nausea. It's terrible. For the past week I have been getting it really bad in the afternoon and throughout the evening. It has a big effect on me and it makes me not want to take it. The whole thing with medication makes me not want to take any of it and I have considered just stopping taking it. Part of me thinks fuck it why bother with it as eventually you'll kill yourself anyway but then there is part of me that knows that it works. The SV has worked at stabilising my mood out. The lofepramine brought me out of the deep depression I was in when I was first admitted. But it's too much. I am on 3 different psychiatric drugs plus my contraceptive pill and the medication I am supposed to take 3x a day for PCOS. I rattle. I don't want to be on all this medication.
Most of it at the moment is I don't want to help myself. But I don't know why. I don't have the confidence that I can help myself. I don't want to end up in hospital again. More because what it will do to my family than me. For me being in hospital is an easy way to self harm and attempt. But, I know that my family will be devastated if I have to go back in again.
Sam was saying I needed to help myself and I was explaining to her since being in hospital and then being told I needed to stop my course over the next year it had really knocked my confidence and I didn't feel as though I could do it. I became quite tearful which is a regular occurrence at the moment.
I know what I need to be doing, but I don't think I can. But what does that mean for me?
Anyway, I wanted to write down my feelings more so I can make sense of them. I went to see Sam today and I said I was feeling low and the thoughts of suicide were coming in thick and fast. I explained how I hadn't made a plan but I had thought of a few different methods that I could use. I also said I thought that a lot of this was because I feel as though I have no purpose.
Currently I don't do anything at all during the day. I have no purpose. But I feel as though I am in a vicious circle. I talked at length with Sam about this as I feel as I get lower the less I want to do anything about it. I said that the thoughts make me feel angry and sad. These thoughts and feelings usually lead to behaviours, and if you have read my blog in the past you know what these behaviours are. I feel unmotivated at the moment as I do feel low. Being unmotivated means I stay in bed til lunch time and don't do anything during the day unless someone makes me. This will be my mum making me get showered and dressed or having appointments I need to attend. The feeling of not having purpose comes from not being at uni.
When I was at uni I felt I had some purpose in life in that I was learning so that eventually I could give something back. It gave me structure, it gave me routine, it gave me some sense of achievement when I passed assignments or got positive feedback on something I'd done. Although the course was not without it's stress it was something I enjoyed. And it's been taken away from me. So yeah, I know and I have been told by numerous people that it's quite normal that I feel low.
I have thought about volunteer work so I feel as though I do have some purpose and I can give something back to society but if I am truthful I don't want to do it. I don't feel as though I can do it at the moment. I know I will need to get some paid employment eventually but again at the moment I don't feel as though I could hold a job down. Not with my lack of motivation and lack of concentration.
So there is the circle. I don't have the energy to help myself at the moment and so it makes me feel worse.
I had a phone call from Beth earlier (my CPN/CCO if you had forgotten who she is), I am still seeing her on a weekly basis, she has referred me to OT in the community. They are coming with her tomorrow to see what they can offer me. But again, I have the feeling of not wanting to do anything. I had planned what I wanted to do and it was taken away from me and I don't want to do anything else. I know I need to take responsibility for how I am feeling and not let it spiral again, but I don't think I can.
I am also feeling shit about the medication I have to take at the moment. It's a ball ache sorting it all out. It wasn't so bad when I was in hospital as all I would have to do is go collect it and swallow it but doing it myself is just annoying. I also think the Sodium Valporate is causing me to have extreme nausea. It's terrible. For the past week I have been getting it really bad in the afternoon and throughout the evening. It has a big effect on me and it makes me not want to take it. The whole thing with medication makes me not want to take any of it and I have considered just stopping taking it. Part of me thinks fuck it why bother with it as eventually you'll kill yourself anyway but then there is part of me that knows that it works. The SV has worked at stabilising my mood out. The lofepramine brought me out of the deep depression I was in when I was first admitted. But it's too much. I am on 3 different psychiatric drugs plus my contraceptive pill and the medication I am supposed to take 3x a day for PCOS. I rattle. I don't want to be on all this medication.
Most of it at the moment is I don't want to help myself. But I don't know why. I don't have the confidence that I can help myself. I don't want to end up in hospital again. More because what it will do to my family than me. For me being in hospital is an easy way to self harm and attempt. But, I know that my family will be devastated if I have to go back in again.
Sam was saying I needed to help myself and I was explaining to her since being in hospital and then being told I needed to stop my course over the next year it had really knocked my confidence and I didn't feel as though I could do it. I became quite tearful which is a regular occurrence at the moment.
I know what I need to be doing, but I don't think I can. But what does that mean for me?
Saturday, 22 October 2011
Update
I am still under the section 3, but I am on leave. Being told that I can not return to my course until next year has hit me hard and my mood has dipped because of it. I don't know what I am going to do for the next year. I don't seem to see things long term which the other day Beth and the Pdoc made me see. They asked me if I could see being a social worker or just doing the course. At the moment it was just doing the course. I don't know what I want long term.
I am still having the suicidal thoughts, granted it's not a constant thing but they are there. They creep in when they are least expected and knock me back quite hard. Also have not been self harming on a daily basis as I was before going in to hospital. The reasons behind this are because I have not had time on my own, the house I now live in is tiny and I can't lock any doors. It's not through not wanting to and I can feel it building. This worries me quite a lot as given the chance I think I will and I think it would/could be quite serious. As I already know, I don't self harm in a light way very often. The scar on my stomach from having emergency surgery shows that. I spoke to Beth about this the other day when she came to see me. At the moment I am seeing her on a weekly basis. She came to my house and my Mum went out. She said she was also concerned that it wasn't a choice of mine that I wasn't self harming and it was because I didn't have the opportunity to. But, I suppose where there is a will there is a way so it may be some unconcious decision I I making not to self harm.
After nearly 3 months of being in hospital I didn't think I would hear from Vince again. I assumed he would give up. But, he didn't. He saw when I was back in the real world (Facebook) and messaged me (Facebook again) saying he was glad I was alive and he was worried about me while I had been away as my phone was bouncing back messages and he could tell I hadn't been online in a while. I made some story up, well I didn't. I just didn't tell him I had been in hospital under a section or that I had been anywhere near a psych hospital. We got talking again and we agreed that while we couldn't pick up where we left off (about to jump in to bed with each other and on the road to becoming boyfriend and girlfriend) we did want to see each other. So...I am seeing him on Tuesday. I've got even more scars now on my legs from where I self harmed quite a lot when I was in hospital. I am worried that he will know that they are self harm scars. One day, if we did become a couple and a LOT further down the line I will tell him I am diagnosed as having Cyclothymia and explain about it and tell him in the future how I had to go in to hospital so that I could be treated for it.
As I said though, my mood seems to have taken a dip. I have lost that motivation that was there before and would be happy to spend the day in my PJ's without showering or brushing my teeth. I got away with it yesterday because I am ill also, but would not be allowed to get away with it usually. I drag myself out of bed after 13hours in there to show face but again, if I was on my own I would probably be spending a lot more time in bed. Hopefully I will pick up soon, I hope it's not a sign that the sodium valporate is not working as I thought it was and me going back into a depressive episode. I hope it is just in response to the thing with uni.
Anyway, I will mention all this to the Pdoc on Monday when I go back for review. I have a meeting on Monday and I am hopefully being discharged from the section. Although I am on leave I feel quite vulnerable that I could just be dragged back in at any time and that I don't have control. And being as though one of my things is about control it's not a nice feeling to have. I need to feel that I have control over my life. Which is why I carry a razor in my purse. It's there, I know it's there and when I feel I want to self harm I am making that choice not to use it, thus I have some control. I tried to explain this one evening to the ward staff but this landed me in trouble and a restraint. I understand it and the Pdoc understood it also, he said he did.
That's my update for now anyway.
Hopefully I will be able to find enough stuff to write about on here now that I am out of hospital.
I find keeping a blog is like keeping a diary and is the only place I can be fully open about my thoughts and feelings.
I am still having the suicidal thoughts, granted it's not a constant thing but they are there. They creep in when they are least expected and knock me back quite hard. Also have not been self harming on a daily basis as I was before going in to hospital. The reasons behind this are because I have not had time on my own, the house I now live in is tiny and I can't lock any doors. It's not through not wanting to and I can feel it building. This worries me quite a lot as given the chance I think I will and I think it would/could be quite serious. As I already know, I don't self harm in a light way very often. The scar on my stomach from having emergency surgery shows that. I spoke to Beth about this the other day when she came to see me. At the moment I am seeing her on a weekly basis. She came to my house and my Mum went out. She said she was also concerned that it wasn't a choice of mine that I wasn't self harming and it was because I didn't have the opportunity to. But, I suppose where there is a will there is a way so it may be some unconcious decision I I making not to self harm.
After nearly 3 months of being in hospital I didn't think I would hear from Vince again. I assumed he would give up. But, he didn't. He saw when I was back in the real world (Facebook) and messaged me (Facebook again) saying he was glad I was alive and he was worried about me while I had been away as my phone was bouncing back messages and he could tell I hadn't been online in a while. I made some story up, well I didn't. I just didn't tell him I had been in hospital under a section or that I had been anywhere near a psych hospital. We got talking again and we agreed that while we couldn't pick up where we left off (about to jump in to bed with each other and on the road to becoming boyfriend and girlfriend) we did want to see each other. So...I am seeing him on Tuesday. I've got even more scars now on my legs from where I self harmed quite a lot when I was in hospital. I am worried that he will know that they are self harm scars. One day, if we did become a couple and a LOT further down the line I will tell him I am diagnosed as having Cyclothymia and explain about it and tell him in the future how I had to go in to hospital so that I could be treated for it.
As I said though, my mood seems to have taken a dip. I have lost that motivation that was there before and would be happy to spend the day in my PJ's without showering or brushing my teeth. I got away with it yesterday because I am ill also, but would not be allowed to get away with it usually. I drag myself out of bed after 13hours in there to show face but again, if I was on my own I would probably be spending a lot more time in bed. Hopefully I will pick up soon, I hope it's not a sign that the sodium valporate is not working as I thought it was and me going back into a depressive episode. I hope it is just in response to the thing with uni.
Anyway, I will mention all this to the Pdoc on Monday when I go back for review. I have a meeting on Monday and I am hopefully being discharged from the section. Although I am on leave I feel quite vulnerable that I could just be dragged back in at any time and that I don't have control. And being as though one of my things is about control it's not a nice feeling to have. I need to feel that I have control over my life. Which is why I carry a razor in my purse. It's there, I know it's there and when I feel I want to self harm I am making that choice not to use it, thus I have some control. I tried to explain this one evening to the ward staff but this landed me in trouble and a restraint. I understand it and the Pdoc understood it also, he said he did.
That's my update for now anyway.
Hopefully I will be able to find enough stuff to write about on here now that I am out of hospital.
I find keeping a blog is like keeping a diary and is the only place I can be fully open about my thoughts and feelings.
Monday, 1 August 2011
I Have A Lot To Say, I'm Just Not Sure How To Say It.
I've had a week off from blogging as I was away. I missed it. I felt the need to write. Especially as the week was far from relaxing and in the end I could not wait to get home. That's not to say I hated it all. I had a nice time with my brother and his family, but my Dad ruined it for me.
There have only been two people in my life that have been able to make me regress back to a moody teenager. That's Gom and my Dad. The arguments I have with my Dad that make me want to pick something up and throw it at him. I was the same with Gom. I did used to throw things at him though, but he did it to me also. There were a few times with Gom where he would retaliate and throw something back or hit me back also. Those times I probably deserved it. But there were times where he would throw something at me (numerous occasions) or when he would hit me first, or not as what could possibly be classed self defence. Those times only happened on about 4 occasions. The first time I did call the police. I was hysterical as of what he had done and it was me that they threatened with a Section 5. It was me that had to leave the house, as Gom owned it. Gom was calm and rational with them. I wasn't. And I wasn't going to bring charges against him. It was around the time I first started self harming so I had a feeling that if the police got wind of that in their investigations then I would be made to look the irrational, crazy one with a temper and emotional issues. And, although I was scared for my safety at the time, I was more scared of losing him. I suppose that's pretty typical though. A month or so after this happened I had a missed call and a voice mail from the police saying they had looked in to it and they would not be taking any further action and they didn't feel that I was at risk.
Anyway, that is not really relevant to where I was going with this post.
But my Dad, he infuriates me so much. He is a chauvinistic pig who believes that everyone should run round after him. He talks to people like shit and if he upsets them then it's their problem and they should not be so sensitive. If someone upsets him, even with the truth, he will go in to a mood for days on end, being really off with all family members and has a every one is against me attitude. He drives me insane. The other day I was at my brothers camp site as I stayed with them for a few nights and he was there getting everyone running around after him. Not once did he get up and get his own drink. My brother got them all for him. He told me to go get him one and my brother stood up for me saying GP is not drinking so why should she go and run around after you. I said that right also, he told me to. Not ask. He has no respect for anyone. Then he layed in to me really loudly on the campsite saying I don't do anything for him, I am lazy and I will never get a boyfriend with the attitude I had. My brother kind of layed in to him for it saying he shouldn't speak to me like that and my Dad's attitude was I shouldn't be so sensitive and I should just deal with it.
My Dad is the same with my Mum. He wont do anything. If he wants something he will get my Mum to go get it for him. All you can hear is "get me this", "get me that", "just go there and get that". It drives me mad. I believe that relationships should be equal, not so one sided. I honestly don't know why my Mum hasn't left him as if he spoke to me like that all the time then I wouldn't stick around if I was his wife.
So it came to a head this morning and he layed in to me again. I just blew up at him saying he stood need to talk as he was the most chauvinistic person I had met and he needed to have a personality transplant as he was vile. He called me childish and told me to grow up. I slammed a door and walked off. If it wasn't for the fact I was relying on them for a lift to the airport I would have buggered off for the day. And the thing is when I am angry I cry. I can't contain it. I hate people seeing me cry as worry people will see it as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is in other people but I hate people to see me cry or to know I have been crying.
I called Sam when I got back to England. I still had a 6 hour travelling time a head of me. She had called me this morning as I had accidentally called her number Friday evening. It's the first number in my phone and the phone doesn't automatically lock. So she called me to check in that everything was ok. I called her back but it went to voice mail and I left a message explaining it was a mistake and I hadn't meant to call her at 10pm on a Friday evening. I also asked her in the voicemail if she could let me know what had been said in the last week with the different services involved.
She called me back quite quickly. The first thing she said was that I sounded really pissed off and down in my message. I explained to her that I was ill (because of my not sleeping at night for the past week and also being up at about 7am every morning, an drinking most nights (actually I left the drinking bit out), I have come down with a cold, it's quite normal for me to get colds and coughs when I have periods of not sleeping and being tired, I think my immune system must be lowered), I was pissed off as of the arguments that morning and I still had a lot of travelling to do. I said I just felt like I could break down crying. I tend to get more emotional when I am tired and ill. She said I could probably do with a good cry. I said that it probably wouldn't do me any favours to be sitting in a waiting room at International Airport and just break down in tears. I said I would probably get a few weird looks. She said go off and find a quiet corner and I said I don't do crying in public. I don't really do crying. Unless it's a film, TV or something like that, or if I am angry. I started to break down a bit on the phone and had to pull my self back.
So, the reason I actually started this post was to talk about the next bit. So sorry if you have gone through all this waffle to now. But I suppose I was just building a picture.
I told Sam that I had thought a bit about the attempt that I made two weeks ago. I said to her that I didn't feel any different and I was still feeling a lot of regret that it didn't work. Which is true. I didn't tell her I am making more plans and I have a day in mind. She asked me if I could go in to a counselling session on Wednesday. I thought she was away on holiday for the next few weeks. Obviously, over the phone is not a good place to be talking about those feelings. Especially given that I was in an airport. So I am going to see her on Wednesday.
I feel as though I have so much to say, but I don't really know what to say and how to say it.
I do wish that my attempt had worked. I have said that much. But. I will do it again. I know when I will do it again also. But that kind of information is enough to get me locked up, so that wont be going any further. I wont lie to her if she asks me. I will ask her what the ramifications of me telling her if I was planning. But then not answer.
She said that what I was feeling about my day was pretty normal, as anyone would be pissed off and worn out with it all. But she said I should think about giving Crisis Team a heads up. I have been referred to them again and I have said that I would think about calling them before things got to that stage again. I have got a lot of people behind me now. But, I don't want them. I have the CPN again who has written to me saying from the end of August I will see her rather than Dr T as there is nothing else that he would do. Sam said she is going to take on the role of CCO. The CPN in the letter said that she had spoken to Sam and was apparent I was struggling at the moment. She said Dr T had made the referral to Crisis team should I need them so that they have relevant information. She has asked Sam to discuss with me what she as CPN can do and what I want her to do. But, if I did not need her or felt I couldn't use her or wanted to wait then that would be fine.
I also have the clinical psychologist working with Sam for me.
I said to Sam, in theory it's great. But I struggle to call in anyone when I should probably be calling them in. I won't talk to anyone. I even struggle to talk to Sam. What makes it easier with her is she can read my body language and tone and she knows how I am feeling. That makes it a bit easier with her when she will say, you look this are you feeling that. And usually she will be spot on and it makes it easier to discuss things. But. I know I should probably be open and honest about this next attempt. But, it's something I want to do. I don't want to be stopped. So I know, I am not going to call in anyone on it. I have all those people offering support but I can't seem to take it.
I think the only time I would possibly call on Crisis team is if I was struggling to hold on until my planned attempt date. I suppose though that that is not really what they are there for. They are there to be phone now, now when I am planning this and I should probably be stopped but I wont.
I have quite a lot of things worrying me at the moment also. That can't help really can it? I am ignoring quite big things as I can't deal with them. But they need dealing with. I need someone to take over my life for me. To organise me, There are a few pressing things that are quite urgent that need to be dealt with but I ignore it as I can't do anything about it. I can't deal with official things at the moment. It is something I could bring up with Sam. She may be able to offer me practicle advice. Although, I think I know what I need to do. And, what does it matter when I am planning on not being around to deal with it anyway.
This has turned in to a really long post so I am going to leave it there. And I am falling asleep with the lap top on my knee.
Night All...
xxx
I am so glad to be home and have my own space again. It's so nice having the house to myself. The quiet is lovely.
There have only been two people in my life that have been able to make me regress back to a moody teenager. That's Gom and my Dad. The arguments I have with my Dad that make me want to pick something up and throw it at him. I was the same with Gom. I did used to throw things at him though, but he did it to me also. There were a few times with Gom where he would retaliate and throw something back or hit me back also. Those times I probably deserved it. But there were times where he would throw something at me (numerous occasions) or when he would hit me first, or not as what could possibly be classed self defence. Those times only happened on about 4 occasions. The first time I did call the police. I was hysterical as of what he had done and it was me that they threatened with a Section 5. It was me that had to leave the house, as Gom owned it. Gom was calm and rational with them. I wasn't. And I wasn't going to bring charges against him. It was around the time I first started self harming so I had a feeling that if the police got wind of that in their investigations then I would be made to look the irrational, crazy one with a temper and emotional issues. And, although I was scared for my safety at the time, I was more scared of losing him. I suppose that's pretty typical though. A month or so after this happened I had a missed call and a voice mail from the police saying they had looked in to it and they would not be taking any further action and they didn't feel that I was at risk.
Anyway, that is not really relevant to where I was going with this post.
But my Dad, he infuriates me so much. He is a chauvinistic pig who believes that everyone should run round after him. He talks to people like shit and if he upsets them then it's their problem and they should not be so sensitive. If someone upsets him, even with the truth, he will go in to a mood for days on end, being really off with all family members and has a every one is against me attitude. He drives me insane. The other day I was at my brothers camp site as I stayed with them for a few nights and he was there getting everyone running around after him. Not once did he get up and get his own drink. My brother got them all for him. He told me to go get him one and my brother stood up for me saying GP is not drinking so why should she go and run around after you. I said that right also, he told me to. Not ask. He has no respect for anyone. Then he layed in to me really loudly on the campsite saying I don't do anything for him, I am lazy and I will never get a boyfriend with the attitude I had. My brother kind of layed in to him for it saying he shouldn't speak to me like that and my Dad's attitude was I shouldn't be so sensitive and I should just deal with it.
My Dad is the same with my Mum. He wont do anything. If he wants something he will get my Mum to go get it for him. All you can hear is "get me this", "get me that", "just go there and get that". It drives me mad. I believe that relationships should be equal, not so one sided. I honestly don't know why my Mum hasn't left him as if he spoke to me like that all the time then I wouldn't stick around if I was his wife.
So it came to a head this morning and he layed in to me again. I just blew up at him saying he stood need to talk as he was the most chauvinistic person I had met and he needed to have a personality transplant as he was vile. He called me childish and told me to grow up. I slammed a door and walked off. If it wasn't for the fact I was relying on them for a lift to the airport I would have buggered off for the day. And the thing is when I am angry I cry. I can't contain it. I hate people seeing me cry as worry people will see it as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is in other people but I hate people to see me cry or to know I have been crying.
I called Sam when I got back to England. I still had a 6 hour travelling time a head of me. She had called me this morning as I had accidentally called her number Friday evening. It's the first number in my phone and the phone doesn't automatically lock. So she called me to check in that everything was ok. I called her back but it went to voice mail and I left a message explaining it was a mistake and I hadn't meant to call her at 10pm on a Friday evening. I also asked her in the voicemail if she could let me know what had been said in the last week with the different services involved.
She called me back quite quickly. The first thing she said was that I sounded really pissed off and down in my message. I explained to her that I was ill (because of my not sleeping at night for the past week and also being up at about 7am every morning, an drinking most nights (actually I left the drinking bit out), I have come down with a cold, it's quite normal for me to get colds and coughs when I have periods of not sleeping and being tired, I think my immune system must be lowered), I was pissed off as of the arguments that morning and I still had a lot of travelling to do. I said I just felt like I could break down crying. I tend to get more emotional when I am tired and ill. She said I could probably do with a good cry. I said that it probably wouldn't do me any favours to be sitting in a waiting room at International Airport and just break down in tears. I said I would probably get a few weird looks. She said go off and find a quiet corner and I said I don't do crying in public. I don't really do crying. Unless it's a film, TV or something like that, or if I am angry. I started to break down a bit on the phone and had to pull my self back.
So, the reason I actually started this post was to talk about the next bit. So sorry if you have gone through all this waffle to now. But I suppose I was just building a picture.
I told Sam that I had thought a bit about the attempt that I made two weeks ago. I said to her that I didn't feel any different and I was still feeling a lot of regret that it didn't work. Which is true. I didn't tell her I am making more plans and I have a day in mind. She asked me if I could go in to a counselling session on Wednesday. I thought she was away on holiday for the next few weeks. Obviously, over the phone is not a good place to be talking about those feelings. Especially given that I was in an airport. So I am going to see her on Wednesday.
I feel as though I have so much to say, but I don't really know what to say and how to say it.
I do wish that my attempt had worked. I have said that much. But. I will do it again. I know when I will do it again also. But that kind of information is enough to get me locked up, so that wont be going any further. I wont lie to her if she asks me. I will ask her what the ramifications of me telling her if I was planning. But then not answer.
She said that what I was feeling about my day was pretty normal, as anyone would be pissed off and worn out with it all. But she said I should think about giving Crisis Team a heads up. I have been referred to them again and I have said that I would think about calling them before things got to that stage again. I have got a lot of people behind me now. But, I don't want them. I have the CPN again who has written to me saying from the end of August I will see her rather than Dr T as there is nothing else that he would do. Sam said she is going to take on the role of CCO. The CPN in the letter said that she had spoken to Sam and was apparent I was struggling at the moment. She said Dr T had made the referral to Crisis team should I need them so that they have relevant information. She has asked Sam to discuss with me what she as CPN can do and what I want her to do. But, if I did not need her or felt I couldn't use her or wanted to wait then that would be fine.
I also have the clinical psychologist working with Sam for me.
I said to Sam, in theory it's great. But I struggle to call in anyone when I should probably be calling them in. I won't talk to anyone. I even struggle to talk to Sam. What makes it easier with her is she can read my body language and tone and she knows how I am feeling. That makes it a bit easier with her when she will say, you look this are you feeling that. And usually she will be spot on and it makes it easier to discuss things. But. I know I should probably be open and honest about this next attempt. But, it's something I want to do. I don't want to be stopped. So I know, I am not going to call in anyone on it. I have all those people offering support but I can't seem to take it.
I think the only time I would possibly call on Crisis team is if I was struggling to hold on until my planned attempt date. I suppose though that that is not really what they are there for. They are there to be phone now, now when I am planning this and I should probably be stopped but I wont.
I have quite a lot of things worrying me at the moment also. That can't help really can it? I am ignoring quite big things as I can't deal with them. But they need dealing with. I need someone to take over my life for me. To organise me, There are a few pressing things that are quite urgent that need to be dealt with but I ignore it as I can't do anything about it. I can't deal with official things at the moment. It is something I could bring up with Sam. She may be able to offer me practicle advice. Although, I think I know what I need to do. And, what does it matter when I am planning on not being around to deal with it anyway.
This has turned in to a really long post so I am going to leave it there. And I am falling asleep with the lap top on my knee.
Night All...
xxx
I am so glad to be home and have my own space again. It's so nice having the house to myself. The quiet is lovely.
Friday, 22 July 2011
It's My Decision
Sam said it's all up to me. She said I need to be calling people when I get it in my head I wanna do something. I can see where she's coming from, but, once it is in my head there is no getting rid of it. I am more bothered about the in between bits and making sure it doesn't get in my head in the first place. I said this to her earlier.
They had a meeting about me today. Sam, the CPN (who I think I saw 2 or 3 times) and the clinical psychologist who is supervising Sam. Sam knows most about me. I was quite guarded with what I told the CPN and I have never met the Clinical Psychologist. The CP is working through Sam. I was referred to her by Dr T. They decided because I have a good relationship with Sam that it doesn't make sense changing over to someone else. Makes sense really. Although this was all decided before I was made to tell uni and since then I have become more guarded with what I say.
The CPN is also on annual leave at the same time as Sam. Not that I would call her anyway. They wanted me to go see Dr T on the 1st of August but I don't get back until the evening. I have been told I need to ring the team I am under if things start going wrong. They are also going to make a referral to Crisis team again. I don't know if they will come and see me though. I know I won't call them. So I am pretty much in same position. I told Sam I still feel the same. I still want to die.
I have a new plan now also, but I have not said that. I can't help my self. I am not going to ask for help with it. I am not going to let people know I have plans. I have been told I need to try. I agreed, but I feel I was just saying the things people wanted to hear. Also, I couldn't really talk. I was in a kids play area and there were loads of people around. I don't know how to be honest. Especially when I feel like this as I know what I want. I do feel that the only way there is to keep me safe is to be locked up on high obs. But even then, I would probably find ways. I know tricks. You learn quite a lot working in psychiatric units with some of the most manipulative people I have ever met. I honestly believe being in a hospital would make things worse. I am not saying it as a threat. But, I realise it may sound like that. I have to be careful how I word it when speaking to people as I appreciate it may sound like that.
So why do I think it would be worse? Well at the moment, no one knows. Not the whole extent of things. In some ways that makes me have some control. In that there are only certain times when I attempt. If people were to know there would be no holding me back. It would also ruin me. There would be no way I could work in mental health. So what would I have then? At the moment, there is some tiny part that is holding on and wants a future. If that future would be ruined then I would have nothing. I know that probably sounds, actually I don't know how it sounds. But not good, a bit whiny and a bit "oh poor me".
At the meeting they have said they didn't want me in hospital. But, it doesn't mean it wont happen. And it doesn't mean I am not paranoid about it. I even rationalise with myself about what I write on here and suicide forum. I am paranoid that someone who I don't want reading it may read it. I wonder if someone like Sam had read it then if she could break confidentiality. It's not anything I have told her, so does it count as breaking confidentiality. She has said in the past if she was going to have to break it she would inform me first. At least that would give me a heads up. I could bring things forward or do a runner. I think I would probably end up doing a runner. Getting far away and doing what I need to do where I could be on my own. I'd probably go to the coast. I have a thing about the sea.
I know I wont be calling anyone about anything. I just need to say the right things. The thing is I have made my decision to have another go at it. So what's the point in calling someone now? I have made up my mind. What I need is someone to talk to when I don't feel like I want to kill myself. I need someone so I don't get to the suicidal point. But it's kind of passed all that now so I am not sure if anything can now be done. Probably not. I just need to keep saying the right things and be careful with what I say to people. But. Saying that. I won't be seeing anyone before the next attempt, so I need not worry really.
The other day Sam asked me if I wanted to carry on with the counselling. I think she had the idea that I wasn't going to go anymore. I suppose I have not been in a few weeks. I haven't really committed so it's probably where she got the idea from. I have only seen her once since the 8th of June. I am not going to see her until the middle of August. She said she knew something was going on the other week when I cancelled. I said it was that I was ill. I was in a way. I was tired and feeling a bit meh. Sometimes you just don't feel like talking.
Sam has been amazing. I feel she has gone above and beyond what she should be doing. I bet when she first met me she didn't expect to be the main support person, to liaise with everyone else, to be going to Psychiatrist appointments with me, to be going to meetings about me, to be helping me with uni stuff, to have someone from an external organisation supervising her and possibly changing the way she works. She has put so much time and effort in to me. It leaves me feeling really bad as I have been seeing her coming up to 9 months now and I don't seem to have improved. It's a charity that is not funded by NHS. If it was NHS and she was doing what she was doing it would be more understandable. But, she puts so much time in. She has just emailed me a letter now at 20.30 on a Friday night that asked her about. I decided I was going to apply for an extension on my essay and asked her if she would support me. So I get an email back from her so late. I feel bad for asking so much of her. Especially when I don't seem to give that much back. She is amazing. I never expected so much from someone and have got so much from her.
If you were in my position what would you do? Not what should I do and what is right, but what would you be doing?
They had a meeting about me today. Sam, the CPN (who I think I saw 2 or 3 times) and the clinical psychologist who is supervising Sam. Sam knows most about me. I was quite guarded with what I told the CPN and I have never met the Clinical Psychologist. The CP is working through Sam. I was referred to her by Dr T. They decided because I have a good relationship with Sam that it doesn't make sense changing over to someone else. Makes sense really. Although this was all decided before I was made to tell uni and since then I have become more guarded with what I say.
The CPN is also on annual leave at the same time as Sam. Not that I would call her anyway. They wanted me to go see Dr T on the 1st of August but I don't get back until the evening. I have been told I need to ring the team I am under if things start going wrong. They are also going to make a referral to Crisis team again. I don't know if they will come and see me though. I know I won't call them. So I am pretty much in same position. I told Sam I still feel the same. I still want to die.
I have a new plan now also, but I have not said that. I can't help my self. I am not going to ask for help with it. I am not going to let people know I have plans. I have been told I need to try. I agreed, but I feel I was just saying the things people wanted to hear. Also, I couldn't really talk. I was in a kids play area and there were loads of people around. I don't know how to be honest. Especially when I feel like this as I know what I want. I do feel that the only way there is to keep me safe is to be locked up on high obs. But even then, I would probably find ways. I know tricks. You learn quite a lot working in psychiatric units with some of the most manipulative people I have ever met. I honestly believe being in a hospital would make things worse. I am not saying it as a threat. But, I realise it may sound like that. I have to be careful how I word it when speaking to people as I appreciate it may sound like that.
So why do I think it would be worse? Well at the moment, no one knows. Not the whole extent of things. In some ways that makes me have some control. In that there are only certain times when I attempt. If people were to know there would be no holding me back. It would also ruin me. There would be no way I could work in mental health. So what would I have then? At the moment, there is some tiny part that is holding on and wants a future. If that future would be ruined then I would have nothing. I know that probably sounds, actually I don't know how it sounds. But not good, a bit whiny and a bit "oh poor me".
At the meeting they have said they didn't want me in hospital. But, it doesn't mean it wont happen. And it doesn't mean I am not paranoid about it. I even rationalise with myself about what I write on here and suicide forum. I am paranoid that someone who I don't want reading it may read it. I wonder if someone like Sam had read it then if she could break confidentiality. It's not anything I have told her, so does it count as breaking confidentiality. She has said in the past if she was going to have to break it she would inform me first. At least that would give me a heads up. I could bring things forward or do a runner. I think I would probably end up doing a runner. Getting far away and doing what I need to do where I could be on my own. I'd probably go to the coast. I have a thing about the sea.
I know I wont be calling anyone about anything. I just need to say the right things. The thing is I have made my decision to have another go at it. So what's the point in calling someone now? I have made up my mind. What I need is someone to talk to when I don't feel like I want to kill myself. I need someone so I don't get to the suicidal point. But it's kind of passed all that now so I am not sure if anything can now be done. Probably not. I just need to keep saying the right things and be careful with what I say to people. But. Saying that. I won't be seeing anyone before the next attempt, so I need not worry really.
The other day Sam asked me if I wanted to carry on with the counselling. I think she had the idea that I wasn't going to go anymore. I suppose I have not been in a few weeks. I haven't really committed so it's probably where she got the idea from. I have only seen her once since the 8th of June. I am not going to see her until the middle of August. She said she knew something was going on the other week when I cancelled. I said it was that I was ill. I was in a way. I was tired and feeling a bit meh. Sometimes you just don't feel like talking.
Sam has been amazing. I feel she has gone above and beyond what she should be doing. I bet when she first met me she didn't expect to be the main support person, to liaise with everyone else, to be going to Psychiatrist appointments with me, to be going to meetings about me, to be helping me with uni stuff, to have someone from an external organisation supervising her and possibly changing the way she works. She has put so much time and effort in to me. It leaves me feeling really bad as I have been seeing her coming up to 9 months now and I don't seem to have improved. It's a charity that is not funded by NHS. If it was NHS and she was doing what she was doing it would be more understandable. But, she puts so much time in. She has just emailed me a letter now at 20.30 on a Friday night that asked her about. I decided I was going to apply for an extension on my essay and asked her if she would support me. So I get an email back from her so late. I feel bad for asking so much of her. Especially when I don't seem to give that much back. She is amazing. I never expected so much from someone and have got so much from her.
If you were in my position what would you do? Not what should I do and what is right, but what would you be doing?
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Dumped
My CPN dumped me today. She said there was little point trying to come up with a crisis plan when I know I wont do anything about it as I make my mind up well in advance. She said there was little point doing anything as we only had a short time together and it was pretty obvious I wont open up to anyone I don't know. She also said another reason why I had been referred to them was because of diagnosis. I won't accept the diagnosis of PD and so attempts at working towards accepting it are futile. She said I should continue to work with Sam as that is where I have a more trusting relationship.
To be honest, I am not bothered about not having to see her anymore. She is right, it's pointless. I said I thought it was more of a mood disorder. The impression I have is because I self harm it's a PD. I wonder what the diagnosis would be if I didn't self harm. The mood changes would still be there. It seems as though they are ignoring all of this and concentrating on the self harm. They whole approach that they have taken with me just puts it in concrete even more how easy it is to label someone with PD, and that if a person self harms then it is a PD.
I don't want to see anyone anymore. I don't have to see Sam for another couple of weeks as I am on placement and I couldn't get a later appointment. I said to CPN that I didn't say a lot of what I was feeling or thinking as I was scared of the consequences. Like this whole thing with uni came out because I was honest with my feelings. I said I didn't like to say too much as I want to keep things private and to myself. Then CPN went on to say she worries more about the people that do that as at least if people are open and honest they can set up some kind of care plan. But when people don't say things they worry as they know there is stuff that is not being said and that there is nothing that can be done about it. Personally, I am going to take my chances. I don't hold much faith in psychiatric services and I will never be the type of person that can voice exactly what is going on in my head.
But, at the moment, I kind of feel a bit better when I haven't seen anyone. Is this normal? I have not seen Sam in a couple of weeks now and my world has not collapsed around me, I have not gone off the rails. OK, so I cut. I know people will probably think I did that because I have not seen Sam. It's nothing to do with that. The people I have seen are always trying to make me try and get out how I was feeling and what had gone off. They think there is some pattern, but there isn't. I cut because I felt like cutting. There was no emotions flying around, nothing had changed.
They don't seem to believe me when I say there is no pattern to my moods. I said I can feel pretty normal and stable when normal people would feel suicidal. Never mind a person who has tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions. If they want patterns etc it's not going to happen. Sometimes when everything in my life is all hunky dory I will feel suicidal. The feeling is just there. Nothing attributes to it. Sometimes when everything is going shit I can just get on with it. Take a really sensible approach to the whole thing and manage step by step and not feel low, not feel suicidal. Just feel pretty normal. That's about the lows. I don't have any thing to explain the highs. But apparently, there must be a pattern and all I need to do is carry on working with Sam and we will figure it out. Well, I am sorry, but there is nothing, NOTHING to bloody pissing figure out!
I'm gonna go to see Sam a couple more times. If I still feel they are trying to ram shit down my throat I am going to stop going. I think I would be better dealing with it on my own. Same with Dr T the psychiatrist. Give him a couple more tries and if things continue the way they are I am not going to bother and I am going to try going it on my own. I think it may be for the best!
Night all.
xxx
To be honest, I am not bothered about not having to see her anymore. She is right, it's pointless. I said I thought it was more of a mood disorder. The impression I have is because I self harm it's a PD. I wonder what the diagnosis would be if I didn't self harm. The mood changes would still be there. It seems as though they are ignoring all of this and concentrating on the self harm. They whole approach that they have taken with me just puts it in concrete even more how easy it is to label someone with PD, and that if a person self harms then it is a PD.
I don't want to see anyone anymore. I don't have to see Sam for another couple of weeks as I am on placement and I couldn't get a later appointment. I said to CPN that I didn't say a lot of what I was feeling or thinking as I was scared of the consequences. Like this whole thing with uni came out because I was honest with my feelings. I said I didn't like to say too much as I want to keep things private and to myself. Then CPN went on to say she worries more about the people that do that as at least if people are open and honest they can set up some kind of care plan. But when people don't say things they worry as they know there is stuff that is not being said and that there is nothing that can be done about it. Personally, I am going to take my chances. I don't hold much faith in psychiatric services and I will never be the type of person that can voice exactly what is going on in my head.
But, at the moment, I kind of feel a bit better when I haven't seen anyone. Is this normal? I have not seen Sam in a couple of weeks now and my world has not collapsed around me, I have not gone off the rails. OK, so I cut. I know people will probably think I did that because I have not seen Sam. It's nothing to do with that. The people I have seen are always trying to make me try and get out how I was feeling and what had gone off. They think there is some pattern, but there isn't. I cut because I felt like cutting. There was no emotions flying around, nothing had changed.
They don't seem to believe me when I say there is no pattern to my moods. I said I can feel pretty normal and stable when normal people would feel suicidal. Never mind a person who has tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions. If they want patterns etc it's not going to happen. Sometimes when everything in my life is all hunky dory I will feel suicidal. The feeling is just there. Nothing attributes to it. Sometimes when everything is going shit I can just get on with it. Take a really sensible approach to the whole thing and manage step by step and not feel low, not feel suicidal. Just feel pretty normal. That's about the lows. I don't have any thing to explain the highs. But apparently, there must be a pattern and all I need to do is carry on working with Sam and we will figure it out. Well, I am sorry, but there is nothing, NOTHING to bloody pissing figure out!
I'm gonna go to see Sam a couple more times. If I still feel they are trying to ram shit down my throat I am going to stop going. I think I would be better dealing with it on my own. Same with Dr T the psychiatrist. Give him a couple more tries and if things continue the way they are I am not going to bother and I am going to try going it on my own. I think it may be for the best!
Night all.
xxx
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
Fat Club - 2nd Weight In + Meeting with CPN
So,
Weight at Start 17stone.
Weight Now - 16 st 9 pounds
Weight Loss this week - 3 pounds
Total Loss - 5 pounds
I'm quite happy that I managed three pounds this week. It's working quite well this diet as I am not really trying. I am just swapping crap for fruit. And when I feel like I want to eat to comfort myself I will still but it will be a banana. I can't get enough of banana's. They have a comfort side to them. Although, I think I am spending more money on fruit than I was on crap. This eating healthy is not cheaper.
Like today. I went to the CO-OP and got some tinned grapefruit as thought that would be nice liquidised in with my pineapple and oranges, tinned pineapple, oranges, bananas and raspberries and it was £7. Fruit is not cheap.
So I am hoping that I will get my half a stone next week.
On to the next thing on the agenda.
Had my meeting with Beth the CPN today. I left feeling crap. I think a lot of the reason I feel so shit after any appointments is I don't like to be told how I am feeling. It is quite demeaning. And frustrating.
She wanted me to go in to detail about the last time that I tried to kill myself. So I told her about how back in January I knew my parents were away for a long weekend or however long it was and wanted to use that as an opportunity. I explained how I had been planning it for ages. I brought in alcohol, as I may as well go out pissed. I like to feel pissed but anyway. I said I had been planning it a while. I explained how I took an OD but not all of what I had and cut my legs really badly. I explained how I didn't know how I ended up locked in the office but my plan was to finish taking all the pills and go somewhere else and ligate. I know OD's don't get you right away and it is a long drawn out process but I wanted to cover all bases. I woke up on the floor of the office locked in. I don't even remember going in to the office. I explained to her how I went to the ED. She asked me why. I explained how I didn't go as of the OD. I didn't even tell them about it. I went because my leg was hurting and I wanted it stitching up as anything I wore was pressing on it and making it painful.
Beth said that if I really wanted to die I wouldn't have gone to the ED. And that I would have taken what else I had left that morning when I woke up. I tried to explain to her that I don't want to die at home. I don't want that for my parents. So being as though it was the middle of the day, that is why. Also, I plan my attempts in advance. It's not about how I am feeling at the time when I do it. It is my over all feelings. I didn't say this to her but, like now I am pretty stable at the moment. In that my mood is neither in my boots or is it in the trees. Yet, I know at some point it is going to change. I know, everyone has good times and bad times. But mine aren't like that. If it was just the normal feelings that everyone else got I would be able to deal with it. But it's not. And when I say everyone else I mean like people who have not had MH issues in the past. I want to make you understand I am not saying I can't cope with being a little sad as my pet dies, but it's big sad. It takes over my life. It's not like just being a little sad and being able to cope with it. I can deal with things when I know what has caused them. So, if I do feel sad because something happens I can attribute my feelings to that and deal with it. Deal with it like a rational, normal person.
It's the not knowing. The ones when it comes on from no where. Why I don't have reason to be feeling like I do, the ones where I should be feeling happy as things are going great. But for some reason, whether it be chemical, hormonal, emotional I am not. And that's another thing. When I feel like this I can't see any reason why I do. To me it comes from no where. All around me I have people telling me it has to be because of something. Well, does it? What if it is hormonal or chemical? They don't seem to want to even consider that! Anyway, I was off on one there...
But what I was saying is, it doesn't matter how I feel when I make those plans. It is the not knowing and the not wanting to go on not having control over it. I don't want these cycles all the bloody time. That is why I plan in advance, that is why I take what opportunities I am given. Like now, pretty stable but planning my own death again!
Anyway, I told Beth about that attempt on the Thursday night and how and why I didn't try on the Friday straight away. I did however try on the Saturday night. I took an OD again hoping that the pills I took would mess with my blood sugar, I cut and I did manage to make it out the house this time and I went to a quiet car park and ligated. I explained how someone must have seen me stagger, or there was CCTV and I am taken to hospital.
She seemed to think that this was an impulsive act. The second one. It was and it wasn't I suppose. It was as a result of the failure of the Thursday night and it was another go at it. She didn't seem to comprehend that making an attempt is knackering. That is takes so much energy and when you have failed you feel deflated and depressed. Too depressed to go about trying again. I said how I had felt like this for a while and one night there was an impulsive act where by I went to the Bridge and ended up on a 136. That was impulsive. That was because I was pissed and saw something. I also said to her how I would have never had jumped as I am too scared and that would not be one of my methods as I am a chicken and it was cold and I couldn't be sure it would work straight away and I don't want to go by drowning.
I just feel at appointments I am fighting my corner all the time. I come out feeling deflated. Maybe it's because I don't think about it that much before and I never know what to say. I struggle to articulate how things have been or how I feel about something.
I hate the way everything is about feelings. I don't feel anything. Not really. OK, at the moment I am feeling stressed. I have a shed load of uni work to be doing and no motivation. I am having doubts about my own ability for the course and so that makes me feel a bit shit. But, I know why that is making me feel crap. Who wouldn't if you were doubting your own ability.
All I know is at the moment I don't want to live in these cycles. I don't know when they are going to come. I don't know how long they will be there for or how they will go away. I don't like being told that there must be some emotion kicking it all off. Not necessarily. Grrrr.
We talked more about crisis resolution and the Crisis Team and how I would not contact them and why. I mentioned the going for a walk, have a bath thing and how I hated it.
To be honest I think all this therapy and psych input is a waste of time. I don't care about the blood letting. It's not an issue to me. OK, it's self harm, but it's nothing major to me. The other self harm is very often planned so far in advance that Crisis Team could do fuck all. By the time I have made up my mind there is no going back. I don't have crisis'. I make my decision and that is it. I don't have the feelings of needing to self harm as the blood letting takes this away. If I had the feelings of needing to then maybe I could see a point. The cutting I do because I enjoy it. So why would I have a crisis about that. The OD'ing; planned in advance. Again no crisis.
I don't think anyone can help me. I don't think I want help anymore. It just seems to land me in trouble anyway. I am fed up with it all and can't see the point with it all anymore. I am only doing it to keep them happy. But it makes me feel worse. I think I need to stop everything!
Weight at Start 17stone.
Weight Now - 16 st 9 pounds
Weight Loss this week - 3 pounds
Total Loss - 5 pounds
I'm quite happy that I managed three pounds this week. It's working quite well this diet as I am not really trying. I am just swapping crap for fruit. And when I feel like I want to eat to comfort myself I will still but it will be a banana. I can't get enough of banana's. They have a comfort side to them. Although, I think I am spending more money on fruit than I was on crap. This eating healthy is not cheaper.
Like today. I went to the CO-OP and got some tinned grapefruit as thought that would be nice liquidised in with my pineapple and oranges, tinned pineapple, oranges, bananas and raspberries and it was £7. Fruit is not cheap.
So I am hoping that I will get my half a stone next week.
On to the next thing on the agenda.
Had my meeting with Beth the CPN today. I left feeling crap. I think a lot of the reason I feel so shit after any appointments is I don't like to be told how I am feeling. It is quite demeaning. And frustrating.
She wanted me to go in to detail about the last time that I tried to kill myself. So I told her about how back in January I knew my parents were away for a long weekend or however long it was and wanted to use that as an opportunity. I explained how I had been planning it for ages. I brought in alcohol, as I may as well go out pissed. I like to feel pissed but anyway. I said I had been planning it a while. I explained how I took an OD but not all of what I had and cut my legs really badly. I explained how I didn't know how I ended up locked in the office but my plan was to finish taking all the pills and go somewhere else and ligate. I know OD's don't get you right away and it is a long drawn out process but I wanted to cover all bases. I woke up on the floor of the office locked in. I don't even remember going in to the office. I explained to her how I went to the ED. She asked me why. I explained how I didn't go as of the OD. I didn't even tell them about it. I went because my leg was hurting and I wanted it stitching up as anything I wore was pressing on it and making it painful.
Beth said that if I really wanted to die I wouldn't have gone to the ED. And that I would have taken what else I had left that morning when I woke up. I tried to explain to her that I don't want to die at home. I don't want that for my parents. So being as though it was the middle of the day, that is why. Also, I plan my attempts in advance. It's not about how I am feeling at the time when I do it. It is my over all feelings. I didn't say this to her but, like now I am pretty stable at the moment. In that my mood is neither in my boots or is it in the trees. Yet, I know at some point it is going to change. I know, everyone has good times and bad times. But mine aren't like that. If it was just the normal feelings that everyone else got I would be able to deal with it. But it's not. And when I say everyone else I mean like people who have not had MH issues in the past. I want to make you understand I am not saying I can't cope with being a little sad as my pet dies, but it's big sad. It takes over my life. It's not like just being a little sad and being able to cope with it. I can deal with things when I know what has caused them. So, if I do feel sad because something happens I can attribute my feelings to that and deal with it. Deal with it like a rational, normal person.
It's the not knowing. The ones when it comes on from no where. Why I don't have reason to be feeling like I do, the ones where I should be feeling happy as things are going great. But for some reason, whether it be chemical, hormonal, emotional I am not. And that's another thing. When I feel like this I can't see any reason why I do. To me it comes from no where. All around me I have people telling me it has to be because of something. Well, does it? What if it is hormonal or chemical? They don't seem to want to even consider that! Anyway, I was off on one there...
But what I was saying is, it doesn't matter how I feel when I make those plans. It is the not knowing and the not wanting to go on not having control over it. I don't want these cycles all the bloody time. That is why I plan in advance, that is why I take what opportunities I am given. Like now, pretty stable but planning my own death again!
Anyway, I told Beth about that attempt on the Thursday night and how and why I didn't try on the Friday straight away. I did however try on the Saturday night. I took an OD again hoping that the pills I took would mess with my blood sugar, I cut and I did manage to make it out the house this time and I went to a quiet car park and ligated. I explained how someone must have seen me stagger, or there was CCTV and I am taken to hospital.
She seemed to think that this was an impulsive act. The second one. It was and it wasn't I suppose. It was as a result of the failure of the Thursday night and it was another go at it. She didn't seem to comprehend that making an attempt is knackering. That is takes so much energy and when you have failed you feel deflated and depressed. Too depressed to go about trying again. I said how I had felt like this for a while and one night there was an impulsive act where by I went to the Bridge and ended up on a 136. That was impulsive. That was because I was pissed and saw something. I also said to her how I would have never had jumped as I am too scared and that would not be one of my methods as I am a chicken and it was cold and I couldn't be sure it would work straight away and I don't want to go by drowning.
I just feel at appointments I am fighting my corner all the time. I come out feeling deflated. Maybe it's because I don't think about it that much before and I never know what to say. I struggle to articulate how things have been or how I feel about something.
I hate the way everything is about feelings. I don't feel anything. Not really. OK, at the moment I am feeling stressed. I have a shed load of uni work to be doing and no motivation. I am having doubts about my own ability for the course and so that makes me feel a bit shit. But, I know why that is making me feel crap. Who wouldn't if you were doubting your own ability.
All I know is at the moment I don't want to live in these cycles. I don't know when they are going to come. I don't know how long they will be there for or how they will go away. I don't like being told that there must be some emotion kicking it all off. Not necessarily. Grrrr.
We talked more about crisis resolution and the Crisis Team and how I would not contact them and why. I mentioned the going for a walk, have a bath thing and how I hated it.
To be honest I think all this therapy and psych input is a waste of time. I don't care about the blood letting. It's not an issue to me. OK, it's self harm, but it's nothing major to me. The other self harm is very often planned so far in advance that Crisis Team could do fuck all. By the time I have made up my mind there is no going back. I don't have crisis'. I make my decision and that is it. I don't have the feelings of needing to self harm as the blood letting takes this away. If I had the feelings of needing to then maybe I could see a point. The cutting I do because I enjoy it. So why would I have a crisis about that. The OD'ing; planned in advance. Again no crisis.
I don't think anyone can help me. I don't think I want help anymore. It just seems to land me in trouble anyway. I am fed up with it all and can't see the point with it all anymore. I am only doing it to keep them happy. But it makes me feel worse. I think I need to stop everything!
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Annoying People
I think Sam was kinda pissed off with me today. The stuff I was saying, well, kind of like going backwards. I told her about the appointment with Beth and how that made me feel.
I was then telling her how I know come July when I am on my own for a month I know I am going to cut. And when I cut, it's pretty serious and usually requires stitches. She seemed pissed off with me that I said it and that I felt that way. I tried to explain how when I cut it takes time. It's my thing. Some people throw a party when their parents go away, me, I cut. I said it was kind of like a treat. Not happening very often. Some people may like a pill when they want a treat, you know, like E. Me, I cut.
She got kind of worked up by it and was saying how if I end up in hospital I may end up being sectioned as the people who assess me don't know me and it's a possibility. So I said at the time I don't think about the consequences and of all the people I have spoken to before I can get out of hospital admissions by saying what they wanna hear. She kept asking what if I couldn't. I didn't answer but I think I have done it so many times before, unless I am acutely psychotic I don't think there is much chance of that. Also, my last hospital attendance because of self harm was in January. So come July they will look at that and see that and not worry. Anyway, I am not even saying I would have to go to hospital. It's just that I plan on having a couple of nights cutting as I like to cut.
I said to her that I didn't see the self harm as a problem. OK, it's every night but it's not a problem. It's not serious. And the reason I do that is so I am not cutting. It's my stopping cutting method. She asked me to try the 10 minute rule thing. That's where you stop before you cut for 10 mins and assess how you are feeling. I said I felt it was a waste of time for me. I did it and waited 10mins, but I see the blood letting as being a normal thing. It's not a big deal. If I saw or felt effects from it I would possibly change my view point. But, I don't. It's not like I am gauging big holes in myself that need hospital treatment, it's not as though I am risking losing my leg, or getting infection. So why should I stop? I don't want to stop.
So what now? Do I stop with counselling, do I stop with Dr T? If I stop and say I don't want any more input would that mean I end up in the hospital? I want to be left alone. I don't want to do any of this and the only reason I do so is because I scared of what will happen if I don't. The meds help me sleep. So I would quite like to stay on them. Also, since I have been on them weirdly I have lost weight. So it's one good side effect of Quetiapine.
But what do I do now?
I was then telling her how I know come July when I am on my own for a month I know I am going to cut. And when I cut, it's pretty serious and usually requires stitches. She seemed pissed off with me that I said it and that I felt that way. I tried to explain how when I cut it takes time. It's my thing. Some people throw a party when their parents go away, me, I cut. I said it was kind of like a treat. Not happening very often. Some people may like a pill when they want a treat, you know, like E. Me, I cut.
She got kind of worked up by it and was saying how if I end up in hospital I may end up being sectioned as the people who assess me don't know me and it's a possibility. So I said at the time I don't think about the consequences and of all the people I have spoken to before I can get out of hospital admissions by saying what they wanna hear. She kept asking what if I couldn't. I didn't answer but I think I have done it so many times before, unless I am acutely psychotic I don't think there is much chance of that. Also, my last hospital attendance because of self harm was in January. So come July they will look at that and see that and not worry. Anyway, I am not even saying I would have to go to hospital. It's just that I plan on having a couple of nights cutting as I like to cut.
I said to her that I didn't see the self harm as a problem. OK, it's every night but it's not a problem. It's not serious. And the reason I do that is so I am not cutting. It's my stopping cutting method. She asked me to try the 10 minute rule thing. That's where you stop before you cut for 10 mins and assess how you are feeling. I said I felt it was a waste of time for me. I did it and waited 10mins, but I see the blood letting as being a normal thing. It's not a big deal. If I saw or felt effects from it I would possibly change my view point. But, I don't. It's not like I am gauging big holes in myself that need hospital treatment, it's not as though I am risking losing my leg, or getting infection. So why should I stop? I don't want to stop.
So what now? Do I stop with counselling, do I stop with Dr T? If I stop and say I don't want any more input would that mean I end up in the hospital? I want to be left alone. I don't want to do any of this and the only reason I do so is because I scared of what will happen if I don't. The meds help me sleep. So I would quite like to stay on them. Also, since I have been on them weirdly I have lost weight. So it's one good side effect of Quetiapine.
But what do I do now?
New CPN/CCO
I say new but I've never had one before. So not like new as in I had an old one but new as in I have one. I'll name her Beth.
So I met Beth at my GP surgery for he appointment. She kept going on about how it will be short term and what work we will do together. She asked about work I do with Sam and in typical psych fashion asked me about my past and if Sam and I discussed that. I told her how I felt about counselling that I didn't really see any improvement but I found it useful to talk to someone about self harm and I didn't feel like I was shocking someone.
She asked me about the relationship with my family and friends and I explained that it was a good one but I am not open with anyone. I don't like telling people about my thoughts and feelings. I didn't say this but I feel sometimes my thoughts and feelings are possibly maybe out of context and I worry about what people would think if I was open with them.
She asked about patterns with self harm and my moods. I said that there was no trigger and that even when you would expect me to be a mess I am not and I can hold it together. She asked if it was converse and I said not, it was just that there is no pattern to how I am feeling. She asked me what I thought about the self harm etc. I said I was worried that when I am on another low the thoughts of suicide become more prominent. I feel more worthless. When I am relatively stable the thoughts are still regular but not in the way that I am certain I would act on them. When I am lower it is when it is more likely I would act on them. I also mentioned about how I didn't feel that my current methods of self harm were a problem and I wasn't over bothered about them. I don't see it as serious and I don't get why people get in a tiz about it all. I said I wasn't even sure if I wanted to address it. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to stop the self harm. I then went on to say how I felt forced in to somethings as I keep saying no to so much that they are going to force something on me if I don't comply. If I withdraw from services, stop taking medication and rock up in the ED I think it's a sure fire route to Hospitalville on a section 2/3.
Beth kept saying how no one was forcing me to see her. I said I knew that but I still felt as though I didn't have so much choice as there was only so much I will comply with.
She kept trying to push PD services. I don't know how many times I have explained everything to people. If I am honest today just felt like a repetitive session. I just said everything I have said before to other people. I was quite frustrated by it if I am honest.
She did say one thing that did make sense though, kind of, in a way. She said possibly in my not speaking to anyone about anything about thoughts and feelings that perhaps the self harm is a release from what is going on in my head. It's my talking and sharing. I did kind of see some sense in that. I have been looking for some answers about it for a while but her simple analogy here made some sense. She asked what self harm was like. I explained how is a habit. I explained how I have never stopped my self so I don't know what would happen if I did. I suppose that has to do with me being quite mind set on things. If I have my mind set on something then no one can change my mind about things.
Anyway. We discussed the main reason for me having her for a short period of time. That main reason is to try and build some support around crisis situations. I have said numerous times I wont call crisis team when I am going to self harm. The reasons being are that I self harm nearly every night, and that I can't stand the phone. I hate speaking to people on the phone and if I am going to speak about something so personal I need to know the person, and I need to do it face to face and slowly so I can gauge their facial reactions. Like with Sam, I may even spread things out over a couple of appointments. So I don't see how the crisis team can help me.
So, all in all today was I feel a bit repetitive. I suppose in one way the having a possible reason about the self harm has been beneficial. But who knows.
I see Sam tomorrow. I am appointment, appointment, appointment at the moment. I am finding it hard to keep on track with things as I am here there and everywhere.
I'll write again possibly tomorrow after appointment with Sam.
xxx
So I met Beth at my GP surgery for he appointment. She kept going on about how it will be short term and what work we will do together. She asked about work I do with Sam and in typical psych fashion asked me about my past and if Sam and I discussed that. I told her how I felt about counselling that I didn't really see any improvement but I found it useful to talk to someone about self harm and I didn't feel like I was shocking someone.
She asked me about the relationship with my family and friends and I explained that it was a good one but I am not open with anyone. I don't like telling people about my thoughts and feelings. I didn't say this but I feel sometimes my thoughts and feelings are possibly maybe out of context and I worry about what people would think if I was open with them.
She asked about patterns with self harm and my moods. I said that there was no trigger and that even when you would expect me to be a mess I am not and I can hold it together. She asked if it was converse and I said not, it was just that there is no pattern to how I am feeling. She asked me what I thought about the self harm etc. I said I was worried that when I am on another low the thoughts of suicide become more prominent. I feel more worthless. When I am relatively stable the thoughts are still regular but not in the way that I am certain I would act on them. When I am lower it is when it is more likely I would act on them. I also mentioned about how I didn't feel that my current methods of self harm were a problem and I wasn't over bothered about them. I don't see it as serious and I don't get why people get in a tiz about it all. I said I wasn't even sure if I wanted to address it. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to stop the self harm. I then went on to say how I felt forced in to somethings as I keep saying no to so much that they are going to force something on me if I don't comply. If I withdraw from services, stop taking medication and rock up in the ED I think it's a sure fire route to Hospitalville on a section 2/3.
Beth kept saying how no one was forcing me to see her. I said I knew that but I still felt as though I didn't have so much choice as there was only so much I will comply with.
She kept trying to push PD services. I don't know how many times I have explained everything to people. If I am honest today just felt like a repetitive session. I just said everything I have said before to other people. I was quite frustrated by it if I am honest.
She did say one thing that did make sense though, kind of, in a way. She said possibly in my not speaking to anyone about anything about thoughts and feelings that perhaps the self harm is a release from what is going on in my head. It's my talking and sharing. I did kind of see some sense in that. I have been looking for some answers about it for a while but her simple analogy here made some sense. She asked what self harm was like. I explained how is a habit. I explained how I have never stopped my self so I don't know what would happen if I did. I suppose that has to do with me being quite mind set on things. If I have my mind set on something then no one can change my mind about things.
Anyway. We discussed the main reason for me having her for a short period of time. That main reason is to try and build some support around crisis situations. I have said numerous times I wont call crisis team when I am going to self harm. The reasons being are that I self harm nearly every night, and that I can't stand the phone. I hate speaking to people on the phone and if I am going to speak about something so personal I need to know the person, and I need to do it face to face and slowly so I can gauge their facial reactions. Like with Sam, I may even spread things out over a couple of appointments. So I don't see how the crisis team can help me.
So, all in all today was I feel a bit repetitive. I suppose in one way the having a possible reason about the self harm has been beneficial. But who knows.
I see Sam tomorrow. I am appointment, appointment, appointment at the moment. I am finding it hard to keep on track with things as I am here there and everywhere.
I'll write again possibly tomorrow after appointment with Sam.
xxx
Monday, 21 February 2011
Challenged
I saw Dr T the Psychiatrist today. I wrote a long post and reply on SF so I thought I would just copy and paste it here. I come back to this and read what I wrote previously. (If you are a reader from SF there is more at the end in this colour that is not on SF).
I saw the Psychiatrist. He challenged on my thoughts etc. I found it really hard. I could see what he was doing though. One of the things he said was "you have come and asked for help. But it seems as though you don't actually want it". He meant that I came to appointments and I was asking to be helped but I am not doing anything to help myself. He said the times when I needed help the most I wasn't seeking it out. I think I can deal with things on my own and file the problem away but really I haven't dealt with it. Like on Friday I was feeling bad, agitated, suicidal etc. I thought I had dealt with it but Saturday went to show I hadn't. He asked me why I wouldn't ring crisis team, I was under their care for a reason and how it looked to him was that I wasn't accepting the help that had been offered.
I explained to him that I thought I could deal with things myself and that I felt pathetic at having to ring them when it is minor things that have got me in to a tizzle. I feel that there are people who are in worse situations who deserve their time and I prefer to try and deal with it on my own. I explained how I found it really hard to speak to people on the phone. Especially people I didn't know. That's why these hot lines don't work for me. If I am talking about something personal I need to see their face to gauge their reactions. I can talk about it on here and my blog as it is anonymous. I said I have a thing of where I get to know someone and then rely on them for support. I said I knew it was unhealthy but I struggle to be open and honest with people I don't know. One of the things that worries me about crisis team is having to explain everything. Having a different person each time and having to tell them everything.
He then went on to say that I couldn't just rely on one or two people. What if they are ill, on annual leave etc. I know what he is saying as I could really do with talking to Sam my counsellor about the weekend but I know she is on annual leave. She said text me if you have any problems but I don't want to disturb her time off. It's not fair on her. I would call Mike at PM but there is nothing they can do as they are assessment only. So that leaves me with no one to call and no one to off load on about what went on at the weekend.
Anyway...plan of action...
Clinical Psychology want to work through the counsellor I already see. The Clinical Psychologist supervises a lot of staff already from that organisation. Dr T said there was a good chance she already knew my case as may have been discussed in supervision...but she wouldn't know me by name. So what they are hoping for is the clinical psychologist to lead Sam in what she does with me. This would work a lot better for me as would mean I didn't have to go to the hospital where I have worked numerous times to go see her and have that risk each time I go and I am limited on when I can see people. I have counselling sessions in the evening after work which works and I only have half a day each week as study leave. So fitting it in around that schedule would be hard and could mean I am waiting weeks if not months for an appointment that would come up when I have that half a day off. He also said it would probably be better for me to work like that as it's obvious I find it hard to trust new people and find it hard to build up that relationship to it means I can continue to work with Sam who I know and don't have the stress of the new person thing. He also said if I was to work with the Clinical Psychologist directly I would have to stop seeing Sam as wouldn't work as approaches may be slightly different.
I am being referred to have a key worker/CPN. I asked him for one quite early on in the appointment and he said that was something he was going to discuss with me as he thought that would be beneficial.
He asked me if I would call crisis team when I am struggling. I find it hard to know when I am struggling and what if any triggers are. He asked me if I thought if they should call me and I said that would be better then I don't have the hurdle of picking up the phone.
He said he could tell I was putting up a lot of barriers and that I wasn't doing myself any favours. I told him about trying to kill myself while I was in hospital. He asked me why. I told him why. He challenged me over that saying I had gone to the hospital for the infection in my leg wanting help. I had gone voluntarily so it was obs something I was concerned about. Yet while I am there I tried to kill myself. He asked why then. I explained that I was struggling. I told him I did even try crisis team but I couldn't get through. I had told the nurse I was also.
He said I didn't try hard enough to get through as all I needed to do was call local hospital switch board and asked to be put through. I thought if I did that it would page them (as the person I did speak to at psychiatric hospital switch board said I needed to call local hospital switch board and they would page them) and I didn't want them rushing down thinking I was going to top myself I just wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to speak to someone. I was really freaking and couldn't self harm which I had tried.
I explained that I saw it as an opportunity for it to look like an accident. He then went on about consequences. Who would have paid them. I said no one. As it would have been an accident and he went on to tell me how wrong I was saying that the nurses would have been found negligent and the ward staff and others on the ward would have paid the consequences. So that made me feel bad. I am already feeling bad about what happened over the weekend and had a shit result back on one of my essays. So yeah not good really.
He asked me to throw my needles away. I was honest and said I wouldn't. I said I knew I would cut more if I did and I saw that as being worse as meant that I required services. And that this was stopping me from cutting. I knew I couldn't throw them away. Not yet. I am not sure if I ever will be able to. Even if I come out of this episode then I will need to have them there as a just in case.
So now I suppose I have to wait for crisis team to get in contact. For CPN/key worker referral to go through and for the next time I see Dr T which will be towards the end of March. So no change really. I am still in the same position. I still feel crap and suicidal. It was noticed today also that I was quiet at work. I just blamed it on being tired.
So I don't really know what I can do now. Not seeing Sam until a week on Wednesday as of her annual leave.
I was asked a couple of questions from other members about being challenged and other support groups...
At first I wanted to get up and walk out. But I calmed myself down and saw what he was doing. And to be fair to him I could see his point. So I wasn't going to achieve anything by doing that.
Dr T is ok actually. I wasn't keen at first but today my opinion changed of him. I can see where he is coming from and see what he is getting at. And looking at what he is doing from a professional point of view I get it and agree. It's just that I don't like being challenged and can become quite defensive. But in his position I would be doing exactly what he is.
In terms of groups etc...I wont do them. I know I posted yesterday about people asking for help and when people were suggesting things they kept knocking them back. And being in agreement with the person who wrote something quite controversial about a person and I agreed with them. I realise I am being that way also. Having asked for help and not prepared to listen. I have reasons for not doing groups or even going to certain places. The first being is that because of what I am doing and what I have done. I work in social care. I don't want to risk coming across my own service users. I have already experienced meeting service users when I have been in the waiting room at the psych offices. Then I have seen social workers who I have been in contact with through work while I have been waiting. I can't risk people I work with seeing me and either finding out what has been going on. The other thing about groups is I can't talk to people. I can't unless I am in a private place, there is no chance of others over hearing and I know that person. I need to feel some kind of connection to that person for me to be able to tell them anything.
Yes I can tell someone who is from psych medicine, a nurse who I have never met that I self harm, that recently has got worse and I feel low. But that is about as far as it goes. I don't tell people about me. Nothing about my thoughts or what goes through my head. Yesterday with the nurses on 136 suite I was able to tell a little bit more to as I spent 8 hours there. He didn't push me and he was really good...and it was a he!!!! For some strange reason I am able to talk to blokes better than I can women.
I want to build a support circle. Not a social one. This is all private to me. To friends it is scary and they don't understand. It scares them. I don't want to push them away. I did that a couple of years back and went a year without seeing a lot of my friends. I am different to my friends in the fact that I self harm. It's not something I expect them to understand or that I even want them to. I want my friends for going out with, having fun with. I am the strong one. I am the one who has worked in psychiatric places, I am the one who is working towards a career in an area which involves mental health. I am the one they ask advice from. I am the one who is strong. I don't want people worrying about me. I want to be able to talk to someone and not shock them with what I have to say or make them overly worry. For me having worked in psychiatric care I know within those circles self harm and mental health is something that is discussed every day. I have worked with people who have done shocking things (eg..woman's private place also known as a hidey hole - gross I know but some of the stories I have you would never believe), I know in that client group I am normal! I am not over worried about. Mental health is so stigmatised and I don't want my family and friends thinking I am different as they would do if they knew what was going on. I don't want to feel any more "strange" than I already do. It's bad enough me dealing with it without making other people deal with it. I want a professional support circle as within that I am normal. Here I am normal and anonymous.
And to be honest I don't think I have any friends who I could confide like that. I don't have any really close friends any more. I used to. But since 2008 when I cut myself off I have never really got back the closeness and not been able to confide in them. And as awful as it sounds I am embarrassed by myself and the feelings I have.
So tonight. I thought I would try and talking to a friend. I thought I would be able to have a chat properly and try and be honest. See what a good friend I am I didn't even know her grand dad died only last week. I couldn't off load on her when she has that to deal with. This friend Raq, I let her read my diary a couple of years ago and it was after that I cut off contact. I was embarrassed by it. I am embarrassed by myself. So I decided I wasn't going to say anything. She asked me if I had been on any dates recently as we usually have a good laugh about the nutters I have met on line. I just said I haven't even bothered. She asked why not and I just said my head wasn't in the right place. She asked me if I was bad again. I said yeah. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I mentioned the counsellor first and then told her that was seeing a psychiatrist. I haven't said anything else and I changed the subject or gone in to any detail. I don't want to tell people I know. I just don't want to let anyone close to me at the moment.
The drive helped though. I had the music on really loud and when I was driving along I was screaming out the songs. Especially the Fuck You song by Cee Lo Green. In my own selfishness of being depressed etc I have let my friendships go to pot. They don't even contact me to let me know someone close has died.
I am also in a bit of a mess as I had some marks back today from work I have done at uni. I was expecting a good mark and I only just passed. It's the second essay I have had back. I passed the first one but again only just. I put so much time and effort in and only just passing them. It really makes me wonder if I am cut out to be doing a Masters. In my degree I never really cared that much. I didn't put effort in and would leave doing the essay until the day before it was due in. And I was still getting better marks. I don't mind getting average marks when I don't put effort in. But when I put loads of effort in and still only get average grades it really is making me question if I am doing the right thing. Should I have done the undergraduate course instead? So been feeling shit about that, the psychiatrist appointment and just everything in general really. I don't know how much more I can take. I am starting to feel and think "WHAT IS THE POINT". Yeah sure I will be good at the job, hopefully unless I royally screw up. But there are plenty of other great social workers out there. I am sure some of the ones I am training will be amazing. So I will be one less. So what!
As I said to them in the MHA assessment on Sunday, the course is the one positive thing, the one thing that keeps me going,
Dr T said he was glad I wasn't sectioned. He did say also that being hospital isn't best for me at the moment. At the MOMENT. So does that mean if it carries on it would be? He also said if I went in it would be a matter of weeks for full assessment. He doesn't know that I spend a lot of time researching methods. He doesn't know it's one of those things that I always think about. It is taking over my life. I have told Sam. But as I don't have a definite plan then she can't say anything to anyone. But if they knew just how much it was going through my head and there is only one thing that is keeping me going then what would they do? I think his biggest concern is that I don't speak to anyone. That I only really speak to Sam about things and I need to learn to ask for help when I am in Crisis Point. I don't want to ask for help when I feel like that. I worry it will be seen as attention seeking. I really don't think I will be calling anyone from that team. If I want to SH I will usually. I really don't know what I am going to do!
I saw the Psychiatrist. He challenged on my thoughts etc. I found it really hard. I could see what he was doing though. One of the things he said was "you have come and asked for help. But it seems as though you don't actually want it". He meant that I came to appointments and I was asking to be helped but I am not doing anything to help myself. He said the times when I needed help the most I wasn't seeking it out. I think I can deal with things on my own and file the problem away but really I haven't dealt with it. Like on Friday I was feeling bad, agitated, suicidal etc. I thought I had dealt with it but Saturday went to show I hadn't. He asked me why I wouldn't ring crisis team, I was under their care for a reason and how it looked to him was that I wasn't accepting the help that had been offered.
I explained to him that I thought I could deal with things myself and that I felt pathetic at having to ring them when it is minor things that have got me in to a tizzle. I feel that there are people who are in worse situations who deserve their time and I prefer to try and deal with it on my own. I explained how I found it really hard to speak to people on the phone. Especially people I didn't know. That's why these hot lines don't work for me. If I am talking about something personal I need to see their face to gauge their reactions. I can talk about it on here and my blog as it is anonymous. I said I have a thing of where I get to know someone and then rely on them for support. I said I knew it was unhealthy but I struggle to be open and honest with people I don't know. One of the things that worries me about crisis team is having to explain everything. Having a different person each time and having to tell them everything.
He then went on to say that I couldn't just rely on one or two people. What if they are ill, on annual leave etc. I know what he is saying as I could really do with talking to Sam my counsellor about the weekend but I know she is on annual leave. She said text me if you have any problems but I don't want to disturb her time off. It's not fair on her. I would call Mike at PM but there is nothing they can do as they are assessment only. So that leaves me with no one to call and no one to off load on about what went on at the weekend.
Anyway...plan of action...
Clinical Psychology want to work through the counsellor I already see. The Clinical Psychologist supervises a lot of staff already from that organisation. Dr T said there was a good chance she already knew my case as may have been discussed in supervision...but she wouldn't know me by name. So what they are hoping for is the clinical psychologist to lead Sam in what she does with me. This would work a lot better for me as would mean I didn't have to go to the hospital where I have worked numerous times to go see her and have that risk each time I go and I am limited on when I can see people. I have counselling sessions in the evening after work which works and I only have half a day each week as study leave. So fitting it in around that schedule would be hard and could mean I am waiting weeks if not months for an appointment that would come up when I have that half a day off. He also said it would probably be better for me to work like that as it's obvious I find it hard to trust new people and find it hard to build up that relationship to it means I can continue to work with Sam who I know and don't have the stress of the new person thing. He also said if I was to work with the Clinical Psychologist directly I would have to stop seeing Sam as wouldn't work as approaches may be slightly different.
I am being referred to have a key worker/CPN. I asked him for one quite early on in the appointment and he said that was something he was going to discuss with me as he thought that would be beneficial.
He asked me if I would call crisis team when I am struggling. I find it hard to know when I am struggling and what if any triggers are. He asked me if I thought if they should call me and I said that would be better then I don't have the hurdle of picking up the phone.
He said he could tell I was putting up a lot of barriers and that I wasn't doing myself any favours. I told him about trying to kill myself while I was in hospital. He asked me why. I told him why. He challenged me over that saying I had gone to the hospital for the infection in my leg wanting help. I had gone voluntarily so it was obs something I was concerned about. Yet while I am there I tried to kill myself. He asked why then. I explained that I was struggling. I told him I did even try crisis team but I couldn't get through. I had told the nurse I was also.
He said I didn't try hard enough to get through as all I needed to do was call local hospital switch board and asked to be put through. I thought if I did that it would page them (as the person I did speak to at psychiatric hospital switch board said I needed to call local hospital switch board and they would page them) and I didn't want them rushing down thinking I was going to top myself I just wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to speak to someone. I was really freaking and couldn't self harm which I had tried.
I explained that I saw it as an opportunity for it to look like an accident. He then went on about consequences. Who would have paid them. I said no one. As it would have been an accident and he went on to tell me how wrong I was saying that the nurses would have been found negligent and the ward staff and others on the ward would have paid the consequences. So that made me feel bad. I am already feeling bad about what happened over the weekend and had a shit result back on one of my essays. So yeah not good really.
He asked me to throw my needles away. I was honest and said I wouldn't. I said I knew I would cut more if I did and I saw that as being worse as meant that I required services. And that this was stopping me from cutting. I knew I couldn't throw them away. Not yet. I am not sure if I ever will be able to. Even if I come out of this episode then I will need to have them there as a just in case.
So now I suppose I have to wait for crisis team to get in contact. For CPN/key worker referral to go through and for the next time I see Dr T which will be towards the end of March. So no change really. I am still in the same position. I still feel crap and suicidal. It was noticed today also that I was quiet at work. I just blamed it on being tired.
So I don't really know what I can do now. Not seeing Sam until a week on Wednesday as of her annual leave.
I was asked a couple of questions from other members about being challenged and other support groups...
At first I wanted to get up and walk out. But I calmed myself down and saw what he was doing. And to be fair to him I could see his point. So I wasn't going to achieve anything by doing that.
Dr T is ok actually. I wasn't keen at first but today my opinion changed of him. I can see where he is coming from and see what he is getting at. And looking at what he is doing from a professional point of view I get it and agree. It's just that I don't like being challenged and can become quite defensive. But in his position I would be doing exactly what he is.
In terms of groups etc...I wont do them. I know I posted yesterday about people asking for help and when people were suggesting things they kept knocking them back. And being in agreement with the person who wrote something quite controversial about a person and I agreed with them. I realise I am being that way also. Having asked for help and not prepared to listen. I have reasons for not doing groups or even going to certain places. The first being is that because of what I am doing and what I have done. I work in social care. I don't want to risk coming across my own service users. I have already experienced meeting service users when I have been in the waiting room at the psych offices. Then I have seen social workers who I have been in contact with through work while I have been waiting. I can't risk people I work with seeing me and either finding out what has been going on. The other thing about groups is I can't talk to people. I can't unless I am in a private place, there is no chance of others over hearing and I know that person. I need to feel some kind of connection to that person for me to be able to tell them anything.
Yes I can tell someone who is from psych medicine, a nurse who I have never met that I self harm, that recently has got worse and I feel low. But that is about as far as it goes. I don't tell people about me. Nothing about my thoughts or what goes through my head. Yesterday with the nurses on 136 suite I was able to tell a little bit more to as I spent 8 hours there. He didn't push me and he was really good...and it was a he!!!! For some strange reason I am able to talk to blokes better than I can women.
I want to build a support circle. Not a social one. This is all private to me. To friends it is scary and they don't understand. It scares them. I don't want to push them away. I did that a couple of years back and went a year without seeing a lot of my friends. I am different to my friends in the fact that I self harm. It's not something I expect them to understand or that I even want them to. I want my friends for going out with, having fun with. I am the strong one. I am the one who has worked in psychiatric places, I am the one who is working towards a career in an area which involves mental health. I am the one they ask advice from. I am the one who is strong. I don't want people worrying about me. I want to be able to talk to someone and not shock them with what I have to say or make them overly worry. For me having worked in psychiatric care I know within those circles self harm and mental health is something that is discussed every day. I have worked with people who have done shocking things (eg..woman's private place also known as a hidey hole - gross I know but some of the stories I have you would never believe), I know in that client group I am normal! I am not over worried about. Mental health is so stigmatised and I don't want my family and friends thinking I am different as they would do if they knew what was going on. I don't want to feel any more "strange" than I already do. It's bad enough me dealing with it without making other people deal with it. I want a professional support circle as within that I am normal. Here I am normal and anonymous.
And to be honest I don't think I have any friends who I could confide like that. I don't have any really close friends any more. I used to. But since 2008 when I cut myself off I have never really got back the closeness and not been able to confide in them. And as awful as it sounds I am embarrassed by myself and the feelings I have.
So tonight. I thought I would try and talking to a friend. I thought I would be able to have a chat properly and try and be honest. See what a good friend I am I didn't even know her grand dad died only last week. I couldn't off load on her when she has that to deal with. This friend Raq, I let her read my diary a couple of years ago and it was after that I cut off contact. I was embarrassed by it. I am embarrassed by myself. So I decided I wasn't going to say anything. She asked me if I had been on any dates recently as we usually have a good laugh about the nutters I have met on line. I just said I haven't even bothered. She asked why not and I just said my head wasn't in the right place. She asked me if I was bad again. I said yeah. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I mentioned the counsellor first and then told her that was seeing a psychiatrist. I haven't said anything else and I changed the subject or gone in to any detail. I don't want to tell people I know. I just don't want to let anyone close to me at the moment.
The drive helped though. I had the music on really loud and when I was driving along I was screaming out the songs. Especially the Fuck You song by Cee Lo Green. In my own selfishness of being depressed etc I have let my friendships go to pot. They don't even contact me to let me know someone close has died.
I am also in a bit of a mess as I had some marks back today from work I have done at uni. I was expecting a good mark and I only just passed. It's the second essay I have had back. I passed the first one but again only just. I put so much time and effort in and only just passing them. It really makes me wonder if I am cut out to be doing a Masters. In my degree I never really cared that much. I didn't put effort in and would leave doing the essay until the day before it was due in. And I was still getting better marks. I don't mind getting average marks when I don't put effort in. But when I put loads of effort in and still only get average grades it really is making me question if I am doing the right thing. Should I have done the undergraduate course instead? So been feeling shit about that, the psychiatrist appointment and just everything in general really. I don't know how much more I can take. I am starting to feel and think "WHAT IS THE POINT". Yeah sure I will be good at the job, hopefully unless I royally screw up. But there are plenty of other great social workers out there. I am sure some of the ones I am training will be amazing. So I will be one less. So what!
As I said to them in the MHA assessment on Sunday, the course is the one positive thing, the one thing that keeps me going,
Dr T said he was glad I wasn't sectioned. He did say also that being hospital isn't best for me at the moment. At the MOMENT. So does that mean if it carries on it would be? He also said if I went in it would be a matter of weeks for full assessment. He doesn't know that I spend a lot of time researching methods. He doesn't know it's one of those things that I always think about. It is taking over my life. I have told Sam. But as I don't have a definite plan then she can't say anything to anyone. But if they knew just how much it was going through my head and there is only one thing that is keeping me going then what would they do? I think his biggest concern is that I don't speak to anyone. That I only really speak to Sam about things and I need to learn to ask for help when I am in Crisis Point. I don't want to ask for help when I feel like that. I worry it will be seen as attention seeking. I really don't think I will be calling anyone from that team. If I want to SH I will usually. I really don't know what I am going to do!
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Feeling Like Crap
I feel worse after last night. I feel really let down in my self. I am humiliated that I got myself in to a position like that. I don't know what I was thinking thinking I would win against 3 police officers.I am covered in bruises and I can't lift my arms up as of bruises and pain around my collar bone.
I really don't know what was going through my head. What was I thinking. I would never jump off a bridge. That's not my method. I don't have the balls to do that. My plan is to make it look like an accident and is as painless as possible. Not jumping off a bridge in to icy water. Brrrrrr!
I don't know what to do with myself today. I am irritated easily. I am feeling low. I feel that I humiliated myself. There is no way I can go back to work there now. Not for about a year at least. I have shot myself in the foot really. I had to be assessed by a city social worker. At least I didn't know him. But what's to say I may not come across him at some point in a professional capacity.
I keep saying to the professionals that I don't think hospital admission is a good idea as would make things worse for me. But would it. They are there to make things better and to make it so I don't self harm and am not able to. In terms of uni and the career side it would. It would mean that I don't graduate at the same time as my friends. I don't want to go through that again. It would mean people would know. Which is a bad thing. I don't want my family to know what is going through my head. I don't want them knowing that I am suicidal and that the self harm has got out of control. There is the stigma attached to it and the embarrassment that goes a long side it. But I also feel that they would not be very supportive. It would be thrown back in my face years down the line. They have already do that now with things. They are funny about me drinking because they think it's a problem as they blame the fact that I self harmed that occasion that they know about, on alcohol. So they are really funny about it. I get snide comments and remarks and it makes me feel like shit. So why should I tell them.
I struggled to articulate today why I didn't tell anyone about the self harm and my feelings. They didn't seem to understand. I say they I had the social worker, police doctor and psychiatrist all telling me I needed to talk to people about my emotions. It's just not going to happen. Then he was saying things like get a hobby. As if I have the time for that. All basic rudimentary stuff which I have heard before. Get a pet, well I've got a dog. Exercise, it doesn't lift my mood I have tried it before. And to be honest I don't have the motivation to get out and do it. It's true I don't have a support network as I don't talk to my friends or anyone about my feelings and what I am going through.
I feel so frustrated. I really don't know what I can do. I write to distract myself and it helps in me making sense of my thoughts etc. I don't see it as creative. I am not the creative type. Poetry - yeah right like I'm going to do that. Art - tssssk. After year 9 I didn't step foot in the art room again. I hate art, I can't do it. Groups - they hadn't read my history and none of them knew me or my history.
I am fed up. I am tired. I don't know what else I can do. Maybe hospital would actually help and I need to put my mental health before anything else like my career. I know I am going to attempt suicide again. I don't know if it will work. That person who doesn't care is getting a stronger and stronger hold over me. If people were to find out it would give me free reign on self harm, suicide attempts etc. I keep saying my worst nightmare is going in to hospital and I say to people it would make it worse. I am not so sure anymore. I need help dealing with this. I think I am going to ask for a CPN or something. Someone I can call when things are bad, someone I can go meet somewhere to access support. I feel I am relying too much on Sam. I freaked a bit when she said she was annual leave next week. She said I can still text her and email her if I am struggling but she is on annual leave. She deserves that time off and not have to deal with me. I thought about texting her today but I thought it's a Sunday morning. Really what is she going to be able to do. It's not fair to invade on her weekend. I need someone who I can speak to when I feel like I do now. Someone who I know who will give me support. I wont make use of crisis team as any dealings I have had with them before I have not really liked them. I seem to have found a couple of people who I can start to be honest with. Mike, he will only see me to assess me in the ED or on the ward to ensure that I am ok to go home. I have called him a couple of times and he has said that there is nothing his department can do. So I can't use him. It's just someone to talk to. To sound off on. Someone who is trained and can give relevant advice. I seem to find someone who I like and have seen a few times, begin to trust them and then rely on them. But these are the wrong people who I am getting attached to. They can't do anything regarding my care.
I want someone I can talk to, who I can be honest with, who I wont scare by telling them all I think about is suicide and that I wont feel bad offloading on. Someone who is not personally worried about me. Who has heard what I am saying or similar things before and is not personally effected by what I say. Someone who is being paid to do a job of being supportive. Then I wont feel bad. I think it's something to raise with the Dr T tomorrow.
I am dreading the appointment. He is going to ask me what has happened since I last saw him. I am going to have to tell him about the suicide attempt in hospital. I am going to have to tell him about being detained on a 136. I wish I wasn't this person. I am not a person who self harms I am a self harmer. It has taken over my life. Suicide has taken over. I don't want to be this person.
I really don't know what was going through my head. What was I thinking. I would never jump off a bridge. That's not my method. I don't have the balls to do that. My plan is to make it look like an accident and is as painless as possible. Not jumping off a bridge in to icy water. Brrrrrr!
I don't know what to do with myself today. I am irritated easily. I am feeling low. I feel that I humiliated myself. There is no way I can go back to work there now. Not for about a year at least. I have shot myself in the foot really. I had to be assessed by a city social worker. At least I didn't know him. But what's to say I may not come across him at some point in a professional capacity.
I keep saying to the professionals that I don't think hospital admission is a good idea as would make things worse for me. But would it. They are there to make things better and to make it so I don't self harm and am not able to. In terms of uni and the career side it would. It would mean that I don't graduate at the same time as my friends. I don't want to go through that again. It would mean people would know. Which is a bad thing. I don't want my family to know what is going through my head. I don't want them knowing that I am suicidal and that the self harm has got out of control. There is the stigma attached to it and the embarrassment that goes a long side it. But I also feel that they would not be very supportive. It would be thrown back in my face years down the line. They have already do that now with things. They are funny about me drinking because they think it's a problem as they blame the fact that I self harmed that occasion that they know about, on alcohol. So they are really funny about it. I get snide comments and remarks and it makes me feel like shit. So why should I tell them.
I struggled to articulate today why I didn't tell anyone about the self harm and my feelings. They didn't seem to understand. I say they I had the social worker, police doctor and psychiatrist all telling me I needed to talk to people about my emotions. It's just not going to happen. Then he was saying things like get a hobby. As if I have the time for that. All basic rudimentary stuff which I have heard before. Get a pet, well I've got a dog. Exercise, it doesn't lift my mood I have tried it before. And to be honest I don't have the motivation to get out and do it. It's true I don't have a support network as I don't talk to my friends or anyone about my feelings and what I am going through.
I feel so frustrated. I really don't know what I can do. I write to distract myself and it helps in me making sense of my thoughts etc. I don't see it as creative. I am not the creative type. Poetry - yeah right like I'm going to do that. Art - tssssk. After year 9 I didn't step foot in the art room again. I hate art, I can't do it. Groups - they hadn't read my history and none of them knew me or my history.
I am fed up. I am tired. I don't know what else I can do. Maybe hospital would actually help and I need to put my mental health before anything else like my career. I know I am going to attempt suicide again. I don't know if it will work. That person who doesn't care is getting a stronger and stronger hold over me. If people were to find out it would give me free reign on self harm, suicide attempts etc. I keep saying my worst nightmare is going in to hospital and I say to people it would make it worse. I am not so sure anymore. I need help dealing with this. I think I am going to ask for a CPN or something. Someone I can call when things are bad, someone I can go meet somewhere to access support. I feel I am relying too much on Sam. I freaked a bit when she said she was annual leave next week. She said I can still text her and email her if I am struggling but she is on annual leave. She deserves that time off and not have to deal with me. I thought about texting her today but I thought it's a Sunday morning. Really what is she going to be able to do. It's not fair to invade on her weekend. I need someone who I can speak to when I feel like I do now. Someone who I know who will give me support. I wont make use of crisis team as any dealings I have had with them before I have not really liked them. I seem to have found a couple of people who I can start to be honest with. Mike, he will only see me to assess me in the ED or on the ward to ensure that I am ok to go home. I have called him a couple of times and he has said that there is nothing his department can do. So I can't use him. It's just someone to talk to. To sound off on. Someone who is trained and can give relevant advice. I seem to find someone who I like and have seen a few times, begin to trust them and then rely on them. But these are the wrong people who I am getting attached to. They can't do anything regarding my care.
I want someone I can talk to, who I can be honest with, who I wont scare by telling them all I think about is suicide and that I wont feel bad offloading on. Someone who is not personally worried about me. Who has heard what I am saying or similar things before and is not personally effected by what I say. Someone who is being paid to do a job of being supportive. Then I wont feel bad. I think it's something to raise with the Dr T tomorrow.
I am dreading the appointment. He is going to ask me what has happened since I last saw him. I am going to have to tell him about the suicide attempt in hospital. I am going to have to tell him about being detained on a 136. I wish I wasn't this person. I am not a person who self harms I am a self harmer. It has taken over my life. Suicide has taken over. I don't want to be this person.
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