Sunday, 12 June 2011

And Again

That post I wrote in the early hours of this morning needs more explanation.

Basically I ended up cutting last night. I don't know why. It came from no where. The decision was made and I did it. I had had a drink so maybe it was that and it stopped any self control I had.

I did end up going to the ED as someone saw me. I didn't cut at home. I went to the local park and someone saw me and the ambulance came. I said I didn't need to go but they said if I didn't go they would call the police. I was scared of being put on a 136 again.

I feel quite ashamed by my behaviour last night. Fit Nurse was on. The one on first name terms with. I embarrassed myself. I don't know why I just didn't keep quiet but I was telling him about Bitch Nurse, and used her first name. So he knows exactly who I was on about. I must have come across as someone who just abuses NHS services. I did say that I had not cut since January and that was the last time I had to go as of self harm. I was saying it like it was something I should be proud of and making it seem as though it wasn't as bad as I hadn't been there since January. I am so ashamed by my behaviour. And I really didn't need to go there. I actually stabbed myself in the leg with a scalpel blade. It went all the way in. In my own stupid state I fished it back out also. The wound itself is not bad and all they did was clean it. But I think I have gone through muscle as it is quite painful. It's hard trying to walk without a limp. It's not as though I can blame my ankle as it's the wrong leg.

I feel so ashamed. I shouldn't have cut. I don't know why I gave in last night. Is it stress? Is it the situation with my friends? Oh and they have no idea I feel like this either. They have no idea I am pissed off and upset by them. So it's a whole one sided thing. And, no one has emailed me or anything saying they were sorry I had cancelled my birthday plans.

I feel quite down today. I think it is because I am feeling let down with myself over last night. Not so much the cutting but my behaviour. I refused to give a full name. I hope they didn't figure it out. I don't want it on my medical records. That's why I refused to give full details. They asked me if I wanted to talk to someone and I said no. I didn't want to talk to crisis team. And, as I said I don't want it on my medical records. I don't want the Psychiatrist finding out. I am not even going to talk to Sam about it. I am not going to let anyone know. When the doctor was asking me about my thoughts and if I wanted to kill myself I refused to answer her also. I was a fool last night and I am appalled by my own behaviour!

What bothers me is the fact that whilst I was cutting it felt amazing. Am I going back down the cutting route? I thought the letting was stopping me from cutting. Maybe it's not.

I am having a PJ, feeling sorry for myself day today. I have been lying on my bed most the day watching re-runs of casualty. Tomorrow I am in Uni all day. Just hope this bloody weather stops. It is supposed to be summer, yet I am freezing and it's pissing it down with rain.



catherine said...

i think now is not a good time to disengage from services. hope you feel better soon. xox catherine

Golden Psych said...

I understand where you are coming from but it's not as though it is doing me any good either.