Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Fat Club - 2nd Weight In + Meeting with CPN


Weight at Start 17stone.
Weight Now - 16 st 9 pounds
Weight Loss this week - 3 pounds
Total Loss - 5 pounds

I'm quite happy that I managed three pounds this week. It's working quite well this diet as I am not really trying. I am just swapping crap for fruit. And when I feel like I want to eat to comfort myself I will still but it will be a banana. I can't get enough of banana's. They have a comfort side to them. Although, I think I am spending more money on fruit than I was on crap. This eating healthy is not cheaper.

Like today. I went to the CO-OP and got some tinned grapefruit as thought that would be nice liquidised in with my pineapple and oranges, tinned pineapple, oranges, bananas and raspberries and it was £7. Fruit is not cheap.

So I am hoping that I will get my half a stone next week.

On to the next thing on the agenda.

Had my meeting with Beth the CPN today. I left feeling crap. I think a lot of the reason I feel so shit after any appointments is I don't like to be told how I am feeling. It is quite demeaning. And frustrating.

She wanted me to go in to detail about the last time that I tried to kill myself. So I told her about how back in January I knew my parents were away for a long weekend or however long it was and wanted to use that as an opportunity. I explained how I had been planning it for ages. I brought in alcohol, as I may as well go out pissed. I like to feel pissed but anyway. I said I had been planning it a while. I explained how I took an OD but not all of what I had and cut my legs really badly. I explained how I didn't know how I ended up locked in the office but my plan was to finish taking all the pills and go somewhere else and ligate. I know OD's don't get you right away and it is a long drawn out process but I wanted to cover all bases. I woke up on the floor of the office locked in. I don't even remember going in to the office. I explained to her how I went to the ED. She asked me why. I explained how I didn't go as of the OD. I didn't even tell them about it. I went because my leg was hurting and I wanted it stitching up as anything I wore was pressing on it and making it painful.

Beth said that if I really wanted to die I wouldn't have gone to the ED. And that I would have taken what else I had left that morning when I woke up. I tried to explain to her that I don't want to die at home. I don't want that for my parents. So being as though it was the middle of the day, that is why. Also, I plan my attempts in advance. It's not about how I am feeling at the time when I do it. It is my over all feelings. I didn't say this to her but, like now I am pretty stable at the moment. In that my mood is neither in my boots or is it in the trees. Yet, I know at some point it is going to change. I know, everyone has good times and bad times. But mine aren't like that. If it was just the normal feelings that everyone else got I would be able to deal with it. But it's not. And when I say everyone else I mean like people who have not had MH issues in the past. I want to make you understand I am not saying I can't cope with being a little sad as my pet dies, but it's big sad. It takes over my life. It's not like just being a little sad and being able to cope with it. I can deal with things when I know what has caused them. So, if I do feel sad because something happens I can attribute my feelings to that and deal with it. Deal with it like a rational, normal person.

It's the not knowing. The ones when it comes on from no where. Why I don't have reason to be feeling like I do, the ones where I should be feeling happy as things are going great. But for some reason, whether it be chemical, hormonal, emotional I am not. And that's another thing. When I feel like this I can't see any reason why I do. To me it comes from no where. All around me I have people telling me it has to be because of something. Well, does it? What if it is hormonal or chemical? They don't seem to want to even consider that! Anyway, I was off on one there...

But what I was saying is, it doesn't matter how I feel when I make those plans. It is the not knowing and the not wanting to go on not having control over it. I don't want these cycles all the bloody time. That is why I plan in advance, that is why I take what opportunities I am given. Like now, pretty stable but planning my own death again!

Anyway, I told Beth about that attempt on the Thursday night and how and why I didn't try on the Friday straight away. I did however try on the Saturday night. I took an OD again hoping that the pills I took would mess with my blood sugar, I cut and I did manage to make it out the house this time and I went to a quiet car park and ligated. I explained how someone must have seen me stagger, or there was CCTV and I am taken to hospital.

She seemed to think that this was an impulsive act. The second one. It was and it wasn't I suppose. It was as a result of the failure of the Thursday night and it was another go at it. She didn't seem to comprehend that making an attempt is knackering. That is takes so much energy and when you have failed you feel deflated and depressed. Too depressed to go about trying again. I said how I had felt like this for a while and one night there was an impulsive act where by I went to the Bridge and ended up on a 136. That was impulsive. That was because I was pissed and saw something. I also said to her how I would have never had jumped as I am too scared and that would not be one of my methods as I am a chicken and it was cold and I couldn't be sure it would work straight away and I don't want to go by drowning.

I just feel at appointments I am fighting my corner all the time. I come out feeling deflated. Maybe it's because I don't think about it that much before and I never know what to say. I struggle to articulate how things have been or how I feel about something.

I hate the way everything is about feelings. I don't feel anything. Not really. OK, at the moment I am feeling stressed. I have a shed load of uni work to be doing and no motivation. I am having doubts about my own ability for the course and so that makes me feel a bit shit. But, I know why that is making me feel crap. Who wouldn't if you were doubting your own ability.

All I know is at the moment I don't want to live in these cycles. I don't know when they are going to come. I don't know how long they will be there for or how they will go away. I don't like being told that there must be some emotion kicking it all off. Not necessarily. Grrrr.

We talked more about crisis resolution and the Crisis Team and how I would not contact them and why. I mentioned the going for a walk, have a bath thing and how I hated it.

To be honest I think all this therapy and psych input is a waste of time. I don't care about the blood letting. It's not an issue to me. OK, it's self harm, but it's nothing major to me. The other self harm is very often planned so far in advance that Crisis Team could do fuck all. By the time I have made up my mind there is no going back. I don't have crisis'. I make my decision and that is it. I don't have the feelings of needing to self harm as the blood letting takes this away. If I had the feelings of needing to then maybe I could see a point. The cutting I do because I enjoy it. So why would I have a crisis about that. The OD'ing; planned in advance. Again no crisis.

I don't think anyone can help me. I don't think I want help anymore. It just seems to land me in trouble anyway. I am fed up with it all and can't see the point with it all anymore. I am only doing it to keep them happy. But it makes me feel worse. I think I need to stop everything!

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