Hope This Isn't The Start Of Things To Come

The past few days I have felt so fed up, low and not had any motivation. I really don't know why I feel like this. I am ensuring I eat healthily, things are going well with Vince and I quite like him. But for some reason my mood is low.

I suppose I am not feeling thrilled that my car has failed it's MOT and until I can get a certificate for it I can't drive it. The prospect of a 20 minute walk to the bus stop and an hour on a bus to get to the placement doesn't fill me with much hope. I hate buses and the fact I am going to have to spend 2 hours per day on one is pissing me off. It's not me being snobby why I hate the bus, it's because they make me feel really sick and I experience travel sickness on them. Especially at the end of the day I end up with head aches that I can't shift for the rest of the evening.

It also means I am going to have to get up an hour earlier to leave my house at 7.15am instead of 8.30am and I won't get back until about 6.45pm instead of about 5.15pm. I've got work I need to be doing and reading I need to be doing in the evenings and so it gives me less time. If I didn't get travel sick I would be ok doing it on the bus and I wouldn't mind so much as is forced work time but all I will be able to do is sit there and stare out the window for all 32 bus stops. I just hope it doesn't stop at every one!

Enough moaning about that anyway. I do feel my mood has taken a dip. I noticed on Wednesday and I have been struggling since then. So I can't really attribute my car to it. And really, a car would be a pretty pathetic reason to have a low mood. I am worried as I don't want to end up back down again. Even without the low mood part of me still struggles to see a future and is planning on attempting as soon as parents and family go away. I have been thinking about it for so long and have planned methods.

I think about it quite a lot. Even the thing with Vince isn't bringing me out of it or changing my mind. I sort of expect him to do a runner as soon as he knows the truth anyway. I am not expecting anything from it. Part of me wants to. I'm getting a more strong feeling of there being more than one person inside of me again.

I am meant to have an appointment with Sam this week but I don't think I will be able to make it. I have this week and next week booked in with her and then she stops for the summer holidays. It's been about a month now since I last saw her. Not sure if I want to continue with it. I feel that these professionals want to know my inner most private thoughts. I am not a believer of spilling all. I think some things should remain private to your self. Why should you open up about every single thought you have?

I don't really do it on here either. I don't talk about all my thoughts, feelings, etc. If I can't do it on here how am I expected to be able to do it face to face?

Fat Club

So...

Starting Weight 17stone
Weight This Week  16st10
I have maintained my weight these last 2 weeks.

I wasn't able to go last week as of being late working and I was all over the shop. I didn't really make an effort to go on any other day as I didn't want to. I knew I had eaten out 5 times within the week. So, I didn't want to get weighed.

I was dreading this week. With it being my birthday over the weekend I had a blow out. Lots of alcohol, food I wanted and no being careful. So I was quite shocked when my weight was the same as it was 2 weeks ago. I was miffed two weeks ago as I had put on a pound.

I am having a new start now though and being really super duper careful this week. No alcohol for me! Alcohol has a lot of points but it also makes you want to eat crap the next day. So it's a double whammy. I am determined not to use any of my extra allowances at all and go for losing a couple of pounds.

Can I do it?

There's only one way to find out!

Fat Club - End of Week 1.

Weight at beginning - 17stone.
1 week in 16stone 12. So a loss of 2lb in one week.

I'm quite happy with that. Especially as I didn't even really seem to notice. I have just been swapping crap for fruit. And a lot of it. I have easily been having 5 portions a day. However, today, I have noticed a few side effects. Diarrhea, or however you spell it. So, back on the immodium. I have got a very sensitive stomach and often have problems so I always carry round a supply of immodium, or shop brand. It's cheaper. I even know which supermarket sells it cheapest...it's Sainsburys incase you wondered.

Anyway, enough talk of poo.

So, how have I found it. I have not minded really. I can still eat when I am bored I just make sure I eat fruit. So I still binge when I feel bad, and I can still get that full feeling. I just use lots of fruit instead.

I have my operation on Thursday. If I do make it through then I am going to start being more active. As I have said before I have one of the biggest inner city parks in the UK as my back garden. I need to make use of it. It's a beautiful park also with a lovely stately home which is free to go in.

So, my plan for next week. Carry on the same as this week but with no fried chicken and chips on my way home after a night out.