I was sitting there with my phone in my hand. I was waiting to go to a tutorial, I knew I shouldn't have been parked where I was so was leaving it until the last minute before I had to go. I suppose I was pushing it, parking outside the security office in a permit holder area only.
Any way. I was thinking "I really don't want to go to counselling today. I can't be bothered, what's the point". But I didn't want to say "I can't come as I can't be bothered". So I was sitting there (notice I was sitting not I was sat, as I was sitting is proper English innit right) thinking what I could write in a message, when. "beep" my message tone.
"Hi GP, really sorry it's short notice but I have to cover the drop in today and so can't make the session".
Was she reading my mind. Freaky. She has asked me if I am free in the day at any point before our next session which is the 6th of July. I said not. Not technically a lie. I will have study days on this 20 day placement but I am not sure when they are yet, and, as the title says STUDY days.
Maybe a break will give me a fresh look at it all. I hope so. Or do I. I've met this guy, Vince, and I quite like him. So now I am wanting to pull away even before we go anywhere as I don't want to do the explaining of the scars. I think I am going to go to my doctor and ask for a referral to this Red Cross thing and get the make-up to cover them up. I want to go swimming. OK, I am self conscious in a cossie but it makes it even worse in a cossie with massive scars all over your legs. One of my local pools does a deep water aerobics which is held in the dive tank. It sounds kinda fun, but there is no way I'll go while the scars are like this.
So I think I have about 3 weeks off now. I am going to take the time to think about things and see if I do want to continue with the counselling.
Oh, and my cockyness paid off. I didn't get clamped or even a warning. Jammy me!
Showing posts with label scars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scars. Show all posts
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
Friday, 6 May 2011
Bath Time
Why the hell do crisis teams and everyone else suggest you take a bath. I hate baths. I am not a bath person. What is relaxing about wallowing in your own dirty water?
I have noticed it's not just me it is suggested to. From reading other peoples blogs it seems to be the suggested thing. What will a bath do? I'm feeling suicidal, well I'll drown myself, stick a toaster in the bath, etc etc.
It annoys me how they seem to have their standard responses to everything. Another one is go for a walk. OK. It's gone midnight. The area I live in, while it's very middle class, full of doctors, surgeons, professors, lawyers and the like there is also a LOT of crime. When I lived with Gom I lived in an area that was all terraced houses. Yet, for some strange reason I felt safer there. And I have never been a victim of any crime there. Yet, it's funny really. Doing what I am doing now, the drug addicts I work with refuse to live in that area as there are too many drug dealers and a lot of problems. I never saw that. I just thought it was full of will never amount to anything chavs. Yet, where I am now, there is no way I would go out on my own. I hate even going out for a cig at night even though I have a fully secure back garden. So going for a walk is not really an option. And, even during the day it isn't really. I find if I walk, I think. If I think then I get worse. Going for a walk and getting in to my head is really not for the best. Yeah, for some people it may work. You know, that whole take them away from the scene where they may self harm. But not me. I just think about it more while I am walking and then it's worse if I put it off.
Another one I have had...get a pet? I've got one thanks. I love her to bits, but I don't see what benefit it has. Also, I had a cat. He died suddenly. Not good for someone with suicidal tendencies lol! He was a FME though that's police doctor to anyone who doesn't know. It was after the 136 when he was one of the 2 docs (one of which was a psychiatrist) and the AMHP (social worker). The FME was probably more used to dealing with handcuff injuries at the police station than assessing me who is not quite right in the head.
I don't know what all this is. I don't think it's just depression. I don't feel that I meet the criteria for a PD. I don't meet enough of the criteria. Also, although they are not reliable but messing around on those online quiz things it doesn't come up as that either. So what is it?
Sam keeps talking about anxiety. I don't think I am an anxious person. I said I may self harm as a way to relieve the anxiety, but thinking about it I don't feel anxious when I self harm. My self harm is usually planned; if I know I am going to have the house to my self for a couple of days then I will plan on cutting. I have not cut since January. For me cutting is a process that can take hours and I need to know no one is in in case I get disturbed. So I blood let instead. Most nights I spend 5-10 minutes doing it. Sometimes longer if I can't find a vein. I don't feel anxious. Is it habit, is it addiction. Who knows. Sam kept saying how she thought I had come on a long way since starting counselling and that I am able to look more for reasons, rather than just saying I don't know. But I don't know. That's the thing. I just feel stupid saying I don't know as it is my answer for everything. And the way "they" view it all is that a supposedly intelligent girl should be able to have answers, should be looking for answers and have reasons, not just I don't know. But I DON'T KNOW!
Is it an attention thing? Do I like seeing a Psychiatrist and all these other people? Is it some kind of Munchhausen's where the symptoms are easier to make up? Well in truth. No. I don't think it's an attention thing. Surly if it was I would be telling more people about the self harm. But as it is I want to hide it. Hence moving from cutting to blood letting. I see it as a less severe method. No scars, no medical intervention. I honestly don't get what they are getting in to a tiz over it for. It's not like I am turning up at hospital needing treatment for cuts every day. They should be thankful it's not. This way I take up less resources.
I hate having a psychiatrist. I hate not being normal. I hate being reminded of this all the time. My thighs are a mass of scars. My left forearm has scars. I can not help but see them every day. Every day I am reminded that I am not normal. I hate it! I hate it so much it is one of the things that makes me think about suicide. OK, things may not be as low as they are all the time. But it's still there. The thoughts are still pretty much a constant. I watched Anna M earlier ( a French film...really good. It's still on iPlayer on BBC4, well worth a watch) and I admired her courage of jumping out in front of a car. Not a method I would choose but still. But I have the constant reminders that I am not normal. That I am not right in the head as I choose to harm myself by cutting. I am always going to have this. Say I do live until I am 40. Say I have a family, get married, settle down. Every time I go to the loo I am reminded at the way I am. It's shit!
The Munchausens thing? Again. One thing cutting and getting treatment but my way of self harming at the moment is blood letting which I don't require treatment for. If it was that wouldn't I be doing something that required more treatment. A thing that I could possibly do if it was that would be to take small OD's, present at the ED and get bloods, get the psych referral etc etc etc. Please don't read this as I think people who take small OD's only have Munchhausen's.
Munchhausen's is a funny thing. Don't you think it's slightly ironic that the way to treat a disorder which is classed as an attention seeking disorder is by giving that person attention from a psychiatric side. Oh well, just a thought of mine.
Before you say it. I am not pissed. I haven't had a drink even in over a week (wow I sound like an alcoholic saying that lol). I don't know what has set me off on one tonight. I couldn't sleep so watched a film, still couldn't sleep so came on here. And now here I am. This was only going to be a quick moan about "professionals" and their way that they think a person should deal with a crisis. Frankly, I find it patronising. As a supposedly intelligent person, if I found it somewhere in me that I needed to ring crisis line it would be because I can't cope. I would have tried all I can to try and cope. And to be then told, "take a bath, go for a walk", well I would feel like punching them and screaming. I would feel patronised. I think that is why I haven't rang crisis team before. I know what I should be doing and I do it. If it's not worked then I need more input than their stupid, generic responses that they give everyone who is feeling that they are in crisis.
Bloody hell. What has set me off on one tonight?
I have noticed it's not just me it is suggested to. From reading other peoples blogs it seems to be the suggested thing. What will a bath do? I'm feeling suicidal, well I'll drown myself, stick a toaster in the bath, etc etc.
It annoys me how they seem to have their standard responses to everything. Another one is go for a walk. OK. It's gone midnight. The area I live in, while it's very middle class, full of doctors, surgeons, professors, lawyers and the like there is also a LOT of crime. When I lived with Gom I lived in an area that was all terraced houses. Yet, for some strange reason I felt safer there. And I have never been a victim of any crime there. Yet, it's funny really. Doing what I am doing now, the drug addicts I work with refuse to live in that area as there are too many drug dealers and a lot of problems. I never saw that. I just thought it was full of will never amount to anything chavs. Yet, where I am now, there is no way I would go out on my own. I hate even going out for a cig at night even though I have a fully secure back garden. So going for a walk is not really an option. And, even during the day it isn't really. I find if I walk, I think. If I think then I get worse. Going for a walk and getting in to my head is really not for the best. Yeah, for some people it may work. You know, that whole take them away from the scene where they may self harm. But not me. I just think about it more while I am walking and then it's worse if I put it off.
Another one I have had...get a pet? I've got one thanks. I love her to bits, but I don't see what benefit it has. Also, I had a cat. He died suddenly. Not good for someone with suicidal tendencies lol! He was a FME though that's police doctor to anyone who doesn't know. It was after the 136 when he was one of the 2 docs (one of which was a psychiatrist) and the AMHP (social worker). The FME was probably more used to dealing with handcuff injuries at the police station than assessing me who is not quite right in the head.
I don't know what all this is. I don't think it's just depression. I don't feel that I meet the criteria for a PD. I don't meet enough of the criteria. Also, although they are not reliable but messing around on those online quiz things it doesn't come up as that either. So what is it?
Sam keeps talking about anxiety. I don't think I am an anxious person. I said I may self harm as a way to relieve the anxiety, but thinking about it I don't feel anxious when I self harm. My self harm is usually planned; if I know I am going to have the house to my self for a couple of days then I will plan on cutting. I have not cut since January. For me cutting is a process that can take hours and I need to know no one is in in case I get disturbed. So I blood let instead. Most nights I spend 5-10 minutes doing it. Sometimes longer if I can't find a vein. I don't feel anxious. Is it habit, is it addiction. Who knows. Sam kept saying how she thought I had come on a long way since starting counselling and that I am able to look more for reasons, rather than just saying I don't know. But I don't know. That's the thing. I just feel stupid saying I don't know as it is my answer for everything. And the way "they" view it all is that a supposedly intelligent girl should be able to have answers, should be looking for answers and have reasons, not just I don't know. But I DON'T KNOW!
Is it an attention thing? Do I like seeing a Psychiatrist and all these other people? Is it some kind of Munchhausen's where the symptoms are easier to make up? Well in truth. No. I don't think it's an attention thing. Surly if it was I would be telling more people about the self harm. But as it is I want to hide it. Hence moving from cutting to blood letting. I see it as a less severe method. No scars, no medical intervention. I honestly don't get what they are getting in to a tiz over it for. It's not like I am turning up at hospital needing treatment for cuts every day. They should be thankful it's not. This way I take up less resources.
I hate having a psychiatrist. I hate not being normal. I hate being reminded of this all the time. My thighs are a mass of scars. My left forearm has scars. I can not help but see them every day. Every day I am reminded that I am not normal. I hate it! I hate it so much it is one of the things that makes me think about suicide. OK, things may not be as low as they are all the time. But it's still there. The thoughts are still pretty much a constant. I watched Anna M earlier ( a French film...really good. It's still on iPlayer on BBC4, well worth a watch) and I admired her courage of jumping out in front of a car. Not a method I would choose but still. But I have the constant reminders that I am not normal. That I am not right in the head as I choose to harm myself by cutting. I am always going to have this. Say I do live until I am 40. Say I have a family, get married, settle down. Every time I go to the loo I am reminded at the way I am. It's shit!
The Munchausens thing? Again. One thing cutting and getting treatment but my way of self harming at the moment is blood letting which I don't require treatment for. If it was that wouldn't I be doing something that required more treatment. A thing that I could possibly do if it was that would be to take small OD's, present at the ED and get bloods, get the psych referral etc etc etc. Please don't read this as I think people who take small OD's only have Munchhausen's.
Munchhausen's is a funny thing. Don't you think it's slightly ironic that the way to treat a disorder which is classed as an attention seeking disorder is by giving that person attention from a psychiatric side. Oh well, just a thought of mine.
Before you say it. I am not pissed. I haven't had a drink even in over a week (wow I sound like an alcoholic saying that lol). I don't know what has set me off on one tonight. I couldn't sleep so watched a film, still couldn't sleep so came on here. And now here I am. This was only going to be a quick moan about "professionals" and their way that they think a person should deal with a crisis. Frankly, I find it patronising. As a supposedly intelligent person, if I found it somewhere in me that I needed to ring crisis line it would be because I can't cope. I would have tried all I can to try and cope. And to be then told, "take a bath, go for a walk", well I would feel like punching them and screaming. I would feel patronised. I think that is why I haven't rang crisis team before. I know what I should be doing and I do it. If it's not worked then I need more input than their stupid, generic responses that they give everyone who is feeling that they are in crisis.
Bloody hell. What has set me off on one tonight?
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