My CPN dumped me today. She said there was little point trying to come up with a crisis plan when I know I wont do anything about it as I make my mind up well in advance. She said there was little point doing anything as we only had a short time together and it was pretty obvious I wont open up to anyone I don't know. She also said another reason why I had been referred to them was because of diagnosis. I won't accept the diagnosis of PD and so attempts at working towards accepting it are futile. She said I should continue to work with Sam as that is where I have a more trusting relationship.
To be honest, I am not bothered about not having to see her anymore. She is right, it's pointless. I said I thought it was more of a mood disorder. The impression I have is because I self harm it's a PD. I wonder what the diagnosis would be if I didn't self harm. The mood changes would still be there. It seems as though they are ignoring all of this and concentrating on the self harm. They whole approach that they have taken with me just puts it in concrete even more how easy it is to label someone with PD, and that if a person self harms then it is a PD.
I don't want to see anyone anymore. I don't have to see Sam for another couple of weeks as I am on placement and I couldn't get a later appointment. I said to CPN that I didn't say a lot of what I was feeling or thinking as I was scared of the consequences. Like this whole thing with uni came out because I was honest with my feelings. I said I didn't like to say too much as I want to keep things private and to myself. Then CPN went on to say she worries more about the people that do that as at least if people are open and honest they can set up some kind of care plan. But when people don't say things they worry as they know there is stuff that is not being said and that there is nothing that can be done about it. Personally, I am going to take my chances. I don't hold much faith in psychiatric services and I will never be the type of person that can voice exactly what is going on in my head.
But, at the moment, I kind of feel a bit better when I haven't seen anyone. Is this normal? I have not seen Sam in a couple of weeks now and my world has not collapsed around me, I have not gone off the rails. OK, so I cut. I know people will probably think I did that because I have not seen Sam. It's nothing to do with that. The people I have seen are always trying to make me try and get out how I was feeling and what had gone off. They think there is some pattern, but there isn't. I cut because I felt like cutting. There was no emotions flying around, nothing had changed.
They don't seem to believe me when I say there is no pattern to my moods. I said I can feel pretty normal and stable when normal people would feel suicidal. Never mind a person who has tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions. If they want patterns etc it's not going to happen. Sometimes when everything in my life is all hunky dory I will feel suicidal. The feeling is just there. Nothing attributes to it. Sometimes when everything is going shit I can just get on with it. Take a really sensible approach to the whole thing and manage step by step and not feel low, not feel suicidal. Just feel pretty normal. That's about the lows. I don't have any thing to explain the highs. But apparently, there must be a pattern and all I need to do is carry on working with Sam and we will figure it out. Well, I am sorry, but there is nothing, NOTHING to bloody pissing figure out!
I'm gonna go to see Sam a couple more times. If I still feel they are trying to ram shit down my throat I am going to stop going. I think I would be better dealing with it on my own. Same with Dr T the psychiatrist. Give him a couple more tries and if things continue the way they are I am not going to bother and I am going to try going it on my own. I think it may be for the best!