Fat Club - End of Week 1.

Weight at beginning - 17stone.
1 week in 16stone 12. So a loss of 2lb in one week.

I'm quite happy with that. Especially as I didn't even really seem to notice. I have just been swapping crap for fruit. And a lot of it. I have easily been having 5 portions a day. However, today, I have noticed a few side effects. Diarrhea, or however you spell it. So, back on the immodium. I have got a very sensitive stomach and often have problems so I always carry round a supply of immodium, or shop brand. It's cheaper. I even know which supermarket sells it cheapest...it's Sainsburys incase you wondered.

Anyway, enough talk of poo.

So, how have I found it. I have not minded really. I can still eat when I am bored I just make sure I eat fruit. So I still binge when I feel bad, and I can still get that full feeling. I just use lots of fruit instead.

I have my operation on Thursday. If I do make it through then I am going to start being more active. As I have said before I have one of the biggest inner city parks in the UK as my back garden. I need to make use of it. It's a beautiful park also with a lovely stately home which is free to go in.

So, my plan for next week. Carry on the same as this week but with no fried chicken and chips on my way home after a night out.

Uni Work

Would anyone like to complete the written part of my course for me? Payment is the satisfaction of knowing you have helped someone in a tiz.

I really don't think I can do this course. I am really struggling with the work. I don't like the reflective side of it. I struggle to be reflective. Yes, I do learn from mistakes and I learn from what I have done but I can't write about it. I really can't.

I need so much help with what I am doing. I am sure no one has as much help as me. And still only just passes.

Grrrr.

Sleep

I slept until 14.15 today. That was over 12 hours sleep. I had 10 the night before and about 14 the night before that. I don't know if it's the medication that's causing it. It's not even as though I am only lightly sleeping. I am full on dreaming sleep. Last nights dreams were about this operation I am having on Thursday and that things may go wrong. I still hope that things do go wrong but there is not much I can do to see that things go wrong. I will be taking aspirin before hand to reduce the clotting in my blood. And I hope that the surgeon makes a mistake. I am also ignoring advice about not smoking on the day and the same with food and drink. I will just hide that from others.

I don't know why but I have arranged to go on a date next week with a guy off Match. I don't know why I joined it when I don't plan on being around to see things out.

I need to try and sleep less tonight. I will set my alarm for the morning as I am sleeping too much. To be in that deep sleep for so long isn't right really. When I woke up it felt like it was the morning. I didn't feel as though I had slept so long.

Going to try and make sure I am settling down to sleep at 12 tonight. I am up at 9am as I have to go into placement to make sure I have handed everything back in and also to finish up there.

Let's just hope I don't sleep through the alarm.

Tipsy But Not Pissed.

I wasn't the wrecked one tonight. Although if I had have been more wrecked I would have had less points as alcohol is not as bad as crap food. Me only being a little bit drunk wanted chicken, chips and coleslaw and I had it. So probably had more than a days allowance on food than if I had had a few more drinks and was too wasted to have food.

Anyway. I went out with a couple of friends tonight to see a few bands. And. I wasn't the one who was really pissed. I got to the stage where I couldn't drink more wine and poured it between my 2 friends glasses. I was quite sensible and got a diet coke when I was thristy. I kept pulling really pissed friend away from a situation where she could have got herself in a bit of bother or could have clouded peoples judgement of her. Especially as most the people that were out were people she worked with. She's going to be hanging tomorrow. And. I'm going to feel bad as I ate that much crap.

Today with the wine, chips, amaretto, fried chicken and coleslaw there was nearly 80 points. I feel so bad for having that crap. I actually feel like sticking my fingers down my throat and getting rid of it all. I suppose in a way this who WW thing is really good, It's making me really aware of what I eat and what I drink. For instance I have had 13units of alcohol tonight alone. That's one bottle of wine, plus one large glass of wine plus two amaretto and diet cokes. Usually I wouldn't think twice about it. But in counting callories and points it's really making me aware of what is in what. And It is stopping me binging. I had food tonight as I was hungary and with the alcohol I was craving chicken and coleslaw.

So tomorrow. I am on a mission to have as little food as possible. My snack foods are going to be fruit. I am going to sleep until late and make up for the SHIT day I have had today!

Who's with me???

Still Annoyed.

I need to stop thinking about it but I do. The more I do the more I am hurt by not being invited on this night away. I am hurt because it is my fault. I mean who would want to invite someone to go out in a different city and stay at your house if the last time you went out with them they were so drunk they fell over and broke their ankle. I don't know if I have mentioned before but I was also escorted out of the bar by bouncers. Yeah, so I was pretty pissed. I know I drank too much. The 3rd bottle of wine was not needed. But after 2 I felt normal and I wasn't even staggering about. I felt invincible.

I am also quite bothered that only 6 out of the 25 people invited to a party that I am having for my birthday have bothered replying. I mean it was a facebook invite. It's not as though they have to put an RSVP in the post. I don't know why I bother trying to arrange anything. I end up being let down so often. I think I am a pretty likeable person. I usually go out my way for others. So what is it? I'm obviously not that likeable if no one can be bothered to reply or come. It's things like this when I just want to retreat in to myself and not bother doing anything. Out of my friends there is only one who asks me if I want to go somewhere or actually gets in contact with me first. We are not like close friends or anything, she doesn't know anything about what has been going on with me. And, I have the feeling things may become awkward. She has just got back with her ex which is Gom's best mate. So they may start doing coupley things together and it may just become quite weird. I was hoping they wouldn't get back together. But I never let on. In fact I was the opposite. I thought about how she was feeling about it all and encouraged her to give it a shot being as though she still loved him. But that is that now anyway.

I don't know what I can do to change things. How can I be a better friend? The whole being let down thing has been going on for years. When I booked my trip to Asia I wanted to make sure that I would be away for my birthday. It was so much better not having to worry about anything. I did have a good birthday for what I was awake of it. I was very hung over and feeling sorry for myself. But I gave myself  a pep talk and said there is no way you can go back to the dingy hostel and have an early night. So I drank through the hangover. It was tough going but I did it and I had another good night out. Although the second night out didn't end up with me being in bed with my Aussie neighbour Josh. And, to be honest I was so drunk that 1st night I can't really remember much. I remember crawling across the rope bridge across the river from leaving the bar and freaking out over it as I was paranoid I was going to fall off. Then when I got back to my hostel I walked past the guys all sitting outside. I then remember going in to my bathroom and tripping on the step. I hit my fact and split my lip open and it was pouring with blood. In my drunken state I thought I was in a mess and went and got help. Next thing I know I am in bed with Josh.

So that was my last birthday. Not exactly something to be proud of. I avoided him really well for the next few days.

So I think I may cancel my birthday this year and just arrange to go out for a meal with my parents. I don't want any more birthdays. They are just depressing.

Tonight's Thoughts.

I procrastinate over everything. I have not done any uni work this week. I should be doing some every day. If it didn't matter to me I could understand why I am doing it but it does matter. But then I think well I am probably going to try and kill myself come the end of July so why bother.

I also put off thinking about what I should be doing. Like when I have appointments with Sam she asks me what thought I have put in to what we discussed in the previous session. I don't tend to think about things that much outside of the sessions. I don't want to. I know I write it on here but then I write it and I file it away. I don't dwell on it. Maybe I should be doing. Maybe I should be looking at it in a homework way. But I don't have the time. I don't really want to be thinking about it.

I took my nephew out for a bit earlier. He is only 2. We only went to the opticians and supermarket but weirdly he seemed to enjoy himself and I only had to deal with one tantrum which I ignored. So I am taking him out again tomorrow. But, tomorrow is a spoiling him day. It was his birthday at the beginning of April and I was supposed to take him out on the day of the Royal wedding but I was in a plaster cast so I couldn't. So I am taking him out and spoiling him for the day. What he wants (within reason) he can have. It did make me feel a bit happier taking him out. And he is that cute that I love parading him. I don't think I am being biased but he is gorgeous. He has almost white wavy hair and he is so pretty. People may say to me think about your nephews if you do kill yourself. The way I feel though is that they are both so young still they will never remember me. So if I am going to, do it soon whilst I am not remembered.

I realise I probably sound a bit stupid saying this. I realise I am not looking at the bigger picture but sometimes what is right in front of my eyes is all that matters. I know what I would be saying to someone who was saying the same things as I am. But, even when I challenge myself on my thoughts, I ignore it.

I have this operation next week. I hope that I have some reaction to the anaesthetic and I can just disappear without it hurting, without any bravery from me. I think it's possibly the reason why I haven't managed to succeed yet is because I am not brave enough. I can't handle pain either. And what is there after death. Is there reincarnation, an afterlife, heaven, hell. What is there? I quite like the reincarnation idea. I like the Hindu Caste idea but then surly if I took my own life it would mean I have less in the next life?

Or is there nothing? I don't think that's the case. There are too many stories about ghosts that seem plausible. And, stupid as it sounds I think my Nan comes to me in my dreams. I dream about her quite a bit and often she is giving me a hug, or straight talking to me. 11 years on and I still miss her so much that when I think about her I start to cry. There's a song by Robbie Williams called Nan's Song which is a song about his Nan and I feel that way also. Obviously the first bit is his idea of a laugh but bear with it. I love Robbie. I realised the other day I have been a fan of his for more than half of my life. That's dedication. I know all the words to his songs, I own all the albums and I have a massive crush on him. I didn't like him in Take That the first time round. I was more of a Mark fan. Although looking at them now Mark is an ugly little scrote and the others are the ones that are nice. Even Gary Barlow isn't that bad! OK went a bit off topic there.

If there is such thing as ghosts and I have the option to come back as one. I am so doing it. There are so many people I would love to mess with. Not in a poltergeist way, but a "am I going mad, I am sure I didn't put that there" kind of way. It would be ace.

On topic of ghosts. When I worked in my first psychiatric unit there were some odd things going off. First off the unit was built on the grounds of an old nursing home. The nursing home was demolished and that built in it's place. Also, the road in which is was on is legendary in my city as there being the a ghost that appeared in people's mirrors as they were driving. When driving to and from work on that 2 minutes it took me to drive up that dark, windy road I never looked in my mirror as I was shit scared. So many people had said they had seen things.

Anyway. I was on high obs of a patient ( who was sleeping and we were line of sight) with a member of staff who didn't usually work on my ward. We were chatting and we found out she lived really near me and she didn't drive. So I offered her a lift home from work. I said to her I'll meet you in the staff canteen after. And she turns round and says really quite sharply "I'm not meeting you in there". OK, I was thinking, a bit rude. So I asked her to meet me in reception "no, I am not meeting you in there either, I'll meet you outside". She looked at me and could tell by my expression that I was kind of puzzled. She then turned round to me and said "I'm not being funny but this place is haunted and I can see them. It's some weird thing I have and they talk to me and here it freaks me out". Well by this I was thinking that she needed a bed.

 I left it at that and gave her a lift home. A couple of days later I was talking about it with another member of staff and not naming her had said what she had said and then made a comment about needing to be more worried about the staff than patients. He then seriously said to me that he wasn't surprised as a couple members of staff had reported seeing things. Patients had also, but I think it wasn't taken seriously and was put down to hallucinations. We never discussed it in front of patients so there was no way they could have caught on.

So it kind of freaked me out working there. And night shifts when you walked to corridors on your own were the worst.

This girl I did actually become quite close to and we regularaly used to get drunk together after shifts and bitch about the shift and the place we worked in. She told me more and more about this thing that she had. At first I was kind of freaked out by it, especially when she said I had a resident ghost in my spare room. After a while I relaxed by it and named my ghost Edith. And when I was drunk I used to talk to her. Maybe I was taken in by it all. But. There are so many people that say they can see and hear things that surely there is something?

And what about 6th senses? Apparently in my family there are some people with a 6th sense. My Nan used to be able to mix all her records up then randomly select one with her eyes closed and name what it was. My thing is that I dream of places before I have been there. I am not in touch with it enough that I can dream and then say right ok, this is going to happen and this will be the scenario but I have often been in a new situation and known that I had been there before. Just small things like a pathway in a hotel grounds or something small and insignificant like that.

I'm going to stop now. Perhaps I am delusional? Lol. But one thing is I have bloody scared myself.

Good night world.

x

Something That Has Been Annoying Me...

I am quite upset with one of my friends. Seems as though she has organised a birthday weekend away with all my other friends and I have not been invited. I am actually quite hurt by it. I always try to think the best of people and think that maybe she thinks that with me having broken my ankle I am still in cast and therefore wouldn't be able to make it. But even if that were the case it would have been nice to have been asked. Especially as I think I am the only one out of the group not going.

I've not mentioned it to anyone else, but it really has been playing on my mind. I am upset by it. Also I blame myself. Last time I went out with her I did get very drunk and fall over and break something. She probably just thinks I am a liability which could ruin her night. So on top of being hurt by it all at not being asked I blame myself for it also.

I have written about friends before. I would say that I am the one who has to initiate contact with all but a couple of my friends. Those in the same group would never contact me to see how I am, or what's going on. I am the one who always calls or texts. A couple of years ago I decided I had had enough and I stopped contacting any of them. It was over a year before I made contact again. And truth be told I only re made contact as Gom had said he wanted to break up and I needed people around me. I thought I need people to go out with now. So when Gom initially said he wanted to break up in the September I then got in contact with 2 of them and made it out to be all me that had decided not to be in contact etc and that was cos of stuff going on.

I do care about Raq. But even she will not be one to make contact with me. I was in hospital for 4 nights and the only people that came to see me were my mum and my brother. They all knew where I was. The same when I was housebound for the week after. No one bothered to come see me. I don't even think I got any messages.

It really does make me think why I bother. What am I getting out of these so called friendships? But then what do I give. No one contacts me and they are all closer to another so it's not as though I can give advice or be a good friend really. I think about friends and I feel that I don't have anyone I could be totally honest with. I don't have a "best friend" and there is no one I would call when I am having a crisis. I go straight to my brother.

Is it me? What do I need to do? I try and keep in contact by calling and texting but I don't get replies. I am not exactly a ball of laughs to be around but wouldn't a true friend want to be with you anyway?

I feel as though I am growing away from them. Should I embrace that or should I work even harder?

Don't Know Whether or Not to Carry On?

So, another appointment with Sam. It's given me alot to think about. I have not liked the last 2 appointments at all. She is now wanting answers. I can't provide them. We talked about the first time I self harmed and why. I said it was impulsive but I was incredibly angry and it was a way of internalising that anger. But now, it's different. It's not about internalising my emotions. She asked me what is was about and I said I didn't know. And I don't.

She kept talking about this 10 minute rule thing and how I should give it ago. I don't want to. Basically the way I feel is that the letting is not an issue to me. It's something I do. Like I smoke. I don't want to give up smoking even though other people tell me I should. I know it's not good for my health but if someone told me to not smoke and I wanted to then I would just smoke. You have to want it yourself to stop. Telling a smoker to cut down or try and stop smoking when they don't want to is not going to be successful, Nor are they going to be able or want to come up with reasons why they smoke and how they should go about stopping if they don't want to stop. I used this analogy with Sam and she said she understood where I was coming from but no one was asking me to stop but to analyse what my feelings and thoughts are should I not be able to self harm. I said to her that I don't see this as a problem. Cutting I see as a problem, not letting. Letting I see as something that stops me from cutting. Should I not let, I believe that I will start cutting again. I don't want to be cutting. I am covered in enough scars!

I said I was reluctant to when I didn't see it as a problem and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to stop. What I get from it is more than anything else in my life. When I know that I am going to do it I feel excited. Even if it is a few hours later the feeling I have when I decide I am going to do it is excitement. When I do it, I feel euphoria. Putting it off is just putting off something I am excited about. So it builds until I struggle to contain it. Say for example you have an event that you are excited about, a party, your birthday, a night out. You feel a good excitement don't you? Not nerves. Then as it gets closer you get more and more excited. If that event was then put off how would you feel? But you know it's still going to happen? I dunno, I am really struggling to articulate how it makes me feel. I think I self harm because I want to. Not because I need to. I am not punishing myself, I am not releasing emotions. I am doing it because I enjoy it. Maybe possibly I have some weird curious thing about the human body. I know I am curious about just how much the human body can take. Am I my own lab rat?

If someone told you that you should stop doing something that you enjoyed doing, that wasn't causing anyone else any trouble, and you didn't want to stop doing it. And, they wanted you to look at your thoughts and feelings about why you do it. Would you be a willing person?

We also had the no one is forcing you to come here talk. She asked me why I come to therapy if self harming was something I didn't want to stop. First off I said it was useful to have someone who wasn't phased by stuff that I said and to have a sounding board to bounce off. Also she gives me quite a lot of reassurance in things. Like if I say I am feeling one way about something which I am not sure is the right way to feel, or feel bad for voicing it.

For Example I didn't want my Nanna to die just before Xmas as it would taint Xmas every year. My other Nan did die just before Xmas. However, we have a way of dealing with it. We don't take our feelings out on everyone else and we just don't really get in the Xmas mood until after her anniversary. But after the anniversary we kind of get on with it. If my Nanna my Dad's Mum died just before Xmas, Xmas would have been a miserable affair for ever more as of the way my Dad would have dealt with it. I am not close to my Dad's mum, and to be honest, she has dementia and a whole other heap of old age related illnesses. She doesn't know anyone and really is just a shell that has a heart beat. So in a way I feel that it would be kinder for her to be left to die. What kind of life is that? Anyway, all that is another topic along with religion which I wont get on to as it's messy.

Anyway, I could never have said I hope that she holds on a couple more months just so Xmas isn't ruined each year to anyone. But I did say it to Sam and she said it was normal to think like that and was not unusual that I didn't want Xmas ruined for everyone. Please don't send me loads of hate comments now.

So I explained that it was nice to have that someone I feel I can be more honest with. Someone to listen and reassure me. I go to counselling so I can speak to someone where I am normal. Does that make sense?

So we talked more about why I was there. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to address everything. Sam said it was a busy time for me and I am dealing with a lot anyway. So if I wanted I could stop going and re-visit when things have settled down. There were 2 things I brought up with this...

1) I am going to be a Social Worker. Things are never going to settle down. I am going to be in a demanding job with a lot of pressures on me. I thought that maybe it would be better now for me to address things while I am still being closely supervised. And, that when is it the right time for these things???

2) Goes back to my massive fear of hospitalisation. I feel that by going a long with what they want means that I am less likely to be made to go in to hospital or be sectioned. Me going to counselling and seeing Dr T and taking the meds shows I am engaging. Basically I know the self harm isn't going to stop any time soon. So what happens if/when I rock up at the ED. I then turn round and say "no, I am not seeing those people, I am not going to take medication, I am not going to see a Dr and I have tried counselling, have decided it's not the right time for me and to be honest I don't really like counselling". My thoughts on this are that they are going to think that they will be left with no other option than to put me in hospital.

Picture it. I am being assessed by the crisis team or by Nurseman Mike. NMM has already said it is out of hand. He contacted the duty Psych before as he thought I was heading towards admission. He contacted Crisis team and made them come see me the next day at the appointment with Dr. They ask me what I have in place at the moment and I say I had but I stopped attending and taking meds. They are going to go for section aren't they?

 No matter what people tell me about not having to go to counselling, not having to take the meds, not having to go see a Psychiatrist. I do! Yes, I could stop seeing them. But I know it's only a matter of time before I am back at the ED after cutting and being assessed again. So I feel as though I am told I have a choice in all of this. Well I don't really do I? Where is that choice?

I know I sound a bit mad here as I have been saying that I want to self harm because I enjoy it. But, even though I have just written about the negative sides or the possible repercussions of it. Yet I still want to. So maybe perhaps there is more than just wanting to and enjoying it.

Fuck. Now I am confusing myself and I am back to square minus 100. Sam keeps telling me I have come on a long way. I really don't see it. I don't see what good counselling will do for me. Maybe I am scared to stop. But of what? Failure? Not having an outlet. I think I have just gone and totally confused myself here. I need to stop thinking!!!!

First Meeting

So I went to my first fat club meeting today. Also know as Weight Watchers. It went ok but I am not keen on the leader. She's a bit excitable. A bit over the top. The whole idea surrounding it with the new points system seems as though it could work ok. It's all a points based system. I quite like that as means that I am more aware of what I am eating. Also there are quite a few no point foods on there. Obviously I am going to have to make some changes. Which means no binging on chocolate or crap. But the boredom eating I should be able to combat through eating no point foods. These include things like fruit. So I can eat all the strawberries I want. I can also sprinkle on sweetener rather than sugar and keep it at no points.

I think my main problem is snacking and comfort eating. If I can make the swaps then it should work for me. I need to get more active though. At the moment it's a pain as of my ankle. It is hurting quite a bit more now I am out of the cast so I am being really weary of what I do. Once that heals though I am going to start going on the park and being more active. I have considered swimming but not sure with the scars. I considered female only in the evening but not sure if I want to get my legs out as I am over conscious of them. I do love swimming though. I always have. When I was younger (a lot younger) I was in swimming clubs and was really good. I used to swim at school and do well in competitions. I stopped going as I moved clubs as my instructor moved and some of the girls in the new club bullied me. So I gave it up. But I could swim even with my ankle being dodgy as the water would support it more. But, I still have the problem with the scars. They are just about healed now. It's only taken more than 4 months! But it's obvious scaring!

I lost 2 stone through WW about 6 years ago. It worked well for me and I felt as though I had a lot more confidence when I have lost some weight. So I hope that this is the last time that I will go for it.

I've got an appointment with Sam later. I'm dreading it. I've stopped telling her a lot about how I am feeling. For instance there is no way I am going to tell her about my plans for the end of July. I mentioned that I would probably cut while parents are away and she seemed as though she was really pissed off with me. So I won't be talking about it anymore.

I am feeling a bit emotional today. I hope that doesn't mean I will start crying in the appointment later. I was sat in the WW meeting and I just wanted to cry! I don't know why. But I thought I was going to have to leave as I could feel it coming on. I don't know why I wanted to cry. It came from no where.

I'm a bit nervous about the appointment today. She wanted me to try the whole 10 minute rule thing. I haven't. I've just let anyway. I explained to her last week that once I made the decision to let then there was no point in me trying that. Also as I don't see that as a problem then I don't see the point in waiting 10 minutes. I said it's so mundane to me it's like putting off getting a cup of tea and see how you feel in 10 minutes. No different.

Are my thoughts becoming twisted? Does is sound rational what I am saying?

Doing Something Good...

I've joined Weight Watchers. My plan, so put full details on here. That way if other people are following my weight loss I will get support. And yes, I do need to lose weight as my BMI is currently around 37. I was weighed at the hospital yesterday for my pre-operative assessment and I was 107kg. That's nearly 17 stone. So tomorrow I plan on getting up at a normal time and I am going to my first meeting. I will get weighed properly and I am going to detail it all on here about what I have done.

My weight is one of the things that has been affecting me for a while. It does get me down quite a bit. I am lucky in a way that it is proportionate and I have a curvy figure that goes in and out in the right places. But I want it to be smaller. Currently I am a size 20 bottom (UK) or in US a size 16 and a 18 UK on top or 14US. I would like to be about a size 14 (UK) all over. I would like to lose around 5stone. I have lost about 2 stone before on the WW diet and I know it works for me. According to the NHS for my weight to be in healthy ranges it needs to be somewhere between 8stone 8 and 11 stone 8. So if I lost 5 stone that would put me in normal ranges.

I would like to say I am going to follow an exercise plan also. But, I am a bit crap with the motivation for that. But. I have one of the UK's largest inner city parks as my back garden. I have a gate on to the park. I should make the most of it. I have a dog. And I have a bike. There is no reason why I should not be using these.

My leg is out of cast now. It is a bit soon to be exercising but there is no reason why in a couple of weeks I should not be able to. It is still sore and I am struggling with bits. Like I forget it hurts and I go and sit on it and then that really hurts.

So, will you support me? I know a few people read this and I thought if making it kind of public then it would be more motivating for me.

I do live with my parents and my mum cooks meals at night, generally they are healthy. My problems are with snacking and bingeing. I think I binge when I am feeling crap in myself, and when I am bored. But, if you have tips etc please pass them my way and I need all the help I can get as I sometimes lack motivation and if I have people bugging me about it then it will help.

xxx

Getting On...

OK, I know I am not exactly old. I am 26. But I turn 27 in about 4 weeks. And I hate it. I hate the idea that I am another year older and have not got any where. When I was younger up until I was about 23 I was fine with birthdays and getting older. But now. Not at all. It scares me. It is a reminder that I am no where in life. Generations before me were married, owned a house and had children. Here's me. Living with parents, still a student, not in a relationship and in a lot of debt that getting a mortgage even in a few years is very unlikely.

I hate birthdays. I really do. I don't mind the being given presents side. But it's the whole getting a year older. When I was growing up I thought I would be married with children by now. I wanted to be. I want to be. At my age my Mum had 3 children. My Nan had my Mum. The females in my family all have been married with kids by my age. Here's me. Nothing.

Getting older is just another reminder of what I have failed to accomplish. I look at my friends and compare myself to them. Most of them are pretty settled or are on their way to being. I am the eternal student. Have never had a job where I feel as though it is worthwhile and career wise. I have not had a career yet. It has only been the last 2 years I have decided which route I want to take. But now, I think of that and think I have probably pushed myself too far and I am out of my depth. I feel as though I am drowning. I can't do a Masters. Who was I kidding?

I feel that my mood is pretty stable at the moment. That is why I can make the decision that come the end of July when everyone is on holiday I can act on my decision to end it. I don't have definite plans yet. I know it wont be an OD unless I can get a load of morphine again or any opiate based. This morning I was in a hell of a lot of pain with my back. Because I am in a cast and walking on it I have one leg longer than the other which has led to me having a bad back. Paracetamol and Ibrupofen hasn't touched it. What I had got was Panadol which is paracetamol with dihydrcodeine in. Only 7.5mg. Before I was taking 60mg of the Dihydrocodeine and that worked quite well when my ankle was bad. So I took 8 paracetamol. Hardly an overdose. But it has left me feeling sick all day. I have had my head over the loo thinking I am going to barf as I had that weird feeling in my mouth and it filling with water. But no, I wasn't sick, I wasn't given an relief from feeling sick. It reminded me of the overdoses I have taken and why when they were suicide attempts they weren't successful. It is because being sick scares me. So the times when I wasn't found by someone I ended up getting help myself. I don't know. I am not saying it was the case each time. I know I wanted to die. But I couldn't handle the side effects from what I had taken. Maybe when I used to leave the flat in the middle of the night it was a unconscious thought process that someone would find me.

So no overdosing for me. I can't handle the sickness.

I don't want to turn 27. That's getting in to my late 20's and only 3 years off 30. 30 is old. I was teaching my nephew ages the other day and I asked him how old he thought I was. He said 5. He is only just 2. Bless him. So I said no, I am a lot older than that and I told him I was 26. I then asked him again how old I was and he replied "old". Yeah thanks!

I am feeling older also. I can't drink like I used to when I was younger and be over the hangover a couple of hours after waking up. I now have 2 day hangovers. If I go out in to town at night I am one of the oldest. It's all kids in clubs. If you go to the bars where there are older people either they are the old chavy type. Or the bar is really expensive and you pay something like £7 for a single and mixer.

In my city there is a suburb that is really nice to go out in and is older people. But again it's expensive.

It's funny really. I have been going to clubs and going out drinking since I was 15-16. It was something we used to do quite regularly. We used to go out, take about £20 be wrecked but have also been to a club, got food and a taxi home. I can't do that now. A night out usually costs about £50 minimum. Hence why I don't tend to go out that often. Also, most of my friends don't like the same places that I like. They go to shit, chavy bars, see the same people and then go to Oceana where you stick to the floor and it smells like feet. In that place they should have not banned smoking. The smell of smoke is much more preferable to the smells of that place. They go every single week. They see the same people. They have the same arguments. It drives me mad. So I don't tend to go out with them that much. The places I like to go are apparently too pretentious! What? No, it's just that they are not chavs and they have a decent taste in music rather than the boom boom boom synthesised shit! I'm too old for that shit!

I've even had my Mum say I am too old to be going out to clubs etc. And to be honest, she is probably right. There are only a couple of places in this city that play decent music. And that is full of students. No matter what night it is the students tend to gravitate towards it. It's a really small dingy place. It's dark and you do stick to the floor. But the music is ace. It's my music. But I don't get to go there as the girls wont go. So, if I am feeling like I want to dance it's the cheesy crappy places they like.

I have found though as I have got older my tastes in bars have changed. There's a really nice wine bar that I love going to. They usually have an acoustic guy on and it's really chilled out and a nice atmosphere. I don't tend to like the places I used to like. I have grown out of them. I wish my friends would grow out of the places that they go to.

I don't know why but I am trying to arrange something with friends for my birthday. I don't know why I am bothering as I will only end up being let down by people. But, I am going to say to people I am not getting any older now and I am going to be eternally 21. I do not want to get any older. It is really scaring me.

But, if all goes to plan. I wont be getting any older.

Thoughts

I am pretty stable at the moment. Although in a weird way I feel unsettled about it. I don't know how long it is going to last for. I don't know how long it is before I sink in to a depressive state again. Or how long before everything speeds up and my thoughts race and I feel a bit hyper. Although I don't mind it so much when that happens. I prefer the ups. But unfortunately they don't happen that often. So basically I am waiting to sink in to the depression again.

I say I am pretty stable. But last nights self harm probably wouldn't show that. The letting was bad last night. I probably did more than I have done before. And I used a different method to get more out. I found if I sucked on the end of the needle I could get more out and it wouldn't clot. So let a lot more than I probably should have done. And since I have found a new method I wanna do it again now.

Sam told me to wait 10 minutes from when I want to self harm and then seeing if I can wait another 10 minutes. I know if I continued to do it as bad as that every night then the letting would become a problem and I would be bothered about what it was doing to me. I know I will self harm later. I have come on here to distract myself away from doing it as I prefer to do it last thing at night. It's like taking a sleeping pill.

Also, I have been thinking more and more about July/August. I am thinking it may be a good time to end it all. No one will be around. It's perfect timing. I will be on my own. I wont have anyone around me to notice I am not around as uni will have finished for summer, I will have finished placement, family all on holiday and my friends don't seem to notice when I have not been in contact. I have had thoughts about what I will be doing also. I won't go in to detail on here but the more and more I think about it the more it seems logical.

I can't cope with these ups and downs. I want to be normal. I have tried so many different pills which don't seem to work and I am so sick of it. I don't want to live my life wondering how long I will have of being stable before the next episode. Also, I am stable at the moment so I am being rational. It's not as though I am in a depressed state where I can't see a way out, or if I am having racing thoughts and I am being irrational. I have thought about this loads recently. I need to fine tune a few things and get a few things figured out, like time, place, method. But I think I am being quite rational. I am stable at the moment. I am making a thought out decision, it's not rash, it's not impulsive. A lot of thought will have gone in to it.

I don't want to talk to Sam about it. My mind is made up on this one. I wont be talked out of it. I will carry on seeing Sam in the mean time as she does offer good support around the self harm. But, I have found that I am becoming less and less honest with her. I am not able to talk about the self harm with her. Does this mean that it is a waste of time me going now. I can't be open and honest with her. I am scared to be. Especially after what happened with the course. And especially as now she is being supervised by the Clinical Psychologist who is working with Dr T. I don't want what I say getting back to him. As I have said before I am worried about being made to go in to hospital. I won't let that happen. I have a plan for if it does but I would rather not end it that way.

I just feel as though everything I am doing is a big waste of time at the moment. Why should I continue to do stuff with uni if I am not going to be around to see it through. Why am I bothering.

Why am I waiting until July/August. Why wait? I suppose I should wait. I can plan more and make it more definite. I have time to play with I should make the most out of it!

Why Don't We...

Why Don't We

...

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead".

This was written for me.

Annoying People

I think Sam was kinda pissed off with me today. The stuff I was saying, well, kind of like going backwards. I told her about the appointment with Beth and how that made me feel.

I was then telling her how I know come July when I am on my own for a month I know I am going to cut. And when I cut, it's pretty serious and usually requires stitches. She seemed pissed off with me that I said it and that I felt that way. I tried to explain how when I cut it takes time. It's my thing. Some people throw a party when their parents go away, me, I cut. I said it was kind of like a treat. Not happening very often. Some people may like a pill when they want a treat, you know, like E. Me, I cut.

She got kind of worked up by it and was saying how if I end up in hospital I may end up being sectioned as the people who assess me don't know me and it's a possibility. So I said at the time I don't think about the consequences and of all the people I have spoken to before I can get out of hospital admissions by saying what they wanna hear. She kept asking what if I couldn't. I didn't answer but I think I have done it so many times before, unless I am acutely psychotic I don't think there is much chance of that. Also, my last hospital attendance because of self harm was in January. So come July they will look at that and see that and not worry. Anyway, I am not even saying I would have to go to hospital. It's just that I plan on having a couple of nights cutting as I like to cut.

I said to her that I didn't see the self harm as a problem. OK, it's every night but it's not a problem. It's not serious. And the reason I do that is so I am not cutting. It's my stopping cutting method. She asked me to try the 10 minute rule thing. That's where you stop before you cut for 10 mins and assess how you are feeling. I said I felt it was a waste of time for me. I did it and waited 10mins, but I see the blood letting as being a normal thing. It's not a big deal. If I saw or felt effects from it I would possibly change my view point. But, I don't. It's not like I am gauging big holes in myself that need hospital treatment, it's not as though I am risking losing my leg, or getting infection. So why should I stop? I don't want to stop.

So what now? Do I stop with counselling, do I stop with Dr T? If I stop and say I don't want any more input would that mean I end up in the hospital? I want to be left alone. I don't want to do any of this and the only reason I do so is because I scared of what will happen if I don't. The meds help me sleep. So I would quite like to stay on them. Also, since I have been on them weirdly I have lost weight. So it's one good side effect of Quetiapine.

But what do I do now?

New CPN/CCO

I say new but I've never had one before. So not like new as in I had an old one but new as in I have one. I'll name her Beth.

So I met Beth at my GP surgery for he appointment. She kept going on about how it will be short term and what work we will do together. She asked about work I do with Sam and in typical psych fashion asked me about my past and if Sam and I discussed that. I told her how I felt about counselling that I didn't really see any improvement but I found it useful to talk to someone about self harm and I didn't feel like I was shocking someone.

She asked me about the relationship with my family and friends and I explained that it was a good one but I am not open with anyone. I don't like telling people about my thoughts and feelings. I didn't say this but I feel sometimes my thoughts and feelings are possibly maybe out of context and I worry about what people would think if I was open with them.

She asked about patterns with self harm and my moods. I said that there was no trigger and that even when you would expect me to be a mess I am not and I can hold it together. She asked if it was converse and I said not, it was just that there is no pattern to how I am feeling. She asked me what I thought about the self harm etc. I said I was worried that when I am on another low the thoughts of suicide become more prominent. I feel more worthless. When I am relatively stable the thoughts are still regular but not in the way that I am certain I would act on them. When I am lower it is when it is more likely I would act on them. I also mentioned about how I didn't feel that my current methods of self harm were a problem and I wasn't over bothered about them. I don't see it as serious and I don't get why people get in a tiz about it all. I said I wasn't even sure if I wanted to address it. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to stop the self harm. I then went on to say how I felt forced in to somethings as I keep saying no to so much that they are going to force something on me if I don't comply. If I withdraw from services, stop taking medication and rock up in the ED I think it's a sure fire route to Hospitalville on a section 2/3.

Beth kept saying how no one was forcing me to see her. I said I knew that but I still felt as though I didn't have so much choice as there was only so much I will comply with.

She kept trying to push PD services. I don't know how many times I have explained everything to people. If I am honest today just felt like a repetitive session. I just said everything I have said before to other people. I was quite frustrated by it if I am honest.

She did say one thing that did make sense though, kind of, in a way. She said possibly in my not speaking to anyone about anything about thoughts and feelings that perhaps the self harm is a release from what is going on in my head. It's my talking and sharing. I did kind of see some sense in that. I have been looking for some answers about it for a while but her simple analogy here made some sense. She asked what self harm was like. I explained how is a habit. I explained how I have never stopped my self so I don't know what would happen if I did. I suppose that has to do with me being quite mind set on things. If I have my mind set on something then no one can change my mind about things.

Anyway. We discussed the main reason for me having her for a short period of time. That main reason is to try and build some support around crisis situations. I have said numerous times I wont call crisis team when I am going to self harm. The reasons being are that I self harm nearly every night, and that I can't stand the phone. I hate speaking to people on the phone and if I am going to speak about something so personal I need to know the person, and I need to do it face to face and slowly so I can gauge their facial reactions. Like with Sam, I may even spread things out over a couple of appointments. So I don't see how the crisis team can help me.

So, all in all today was I feel a bit repetitive. I suppose in one way the having a possible reason about the self harm has been beneficial. But who knows.

I see Sam tomorrow. I am appointment, appointment, appointment at the moment. I am finding it hard to keep on track with things as I am here there and everywhere.

I'll write again possibly tomorrow after appointment with Sam.
xxx

Confidence Crisis

I am having another confidence crisis over my course. I feel like a fake and I shouldn't be on the course. I am really struggling with the academic work. My written work isn't that good and I really struggle with it. I had to send some work to my Practice Educator (PE). She sent it back to me saying if I handed that in I would fail the placement. I really worry about it. I don't think I am cut out for the course. I can do the bit where I can work with people, I can do the job. I just can't do the academic stuff that comes along side of it.

I have got loads to do for placement still. I have been pulled from this placement as I can't do the job as of not being able to drive. I can add the days on to my final placement so I am not too worried.

It's weird. I have so much on at the moment and I am not even at work. It just seems as though it's appointment after appointment. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a CPN. It seems as though she is going to be my Care Coordinator. I think so anyway. She is going to my doc surgery and I am seeing her there for the appointment. I am nervous about it. I just hope she is not one of these people who sits there in silence and expects me to fill in the gaps. I have noticed Sam is making the gaps longer and longer.

I said to her in the first appointment I can't stand it when counsellors leave big gaps of quiet as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I have noticed she is doing it now. I wonder if she has been donig it on purpose. You know, sort of making me feel more at ease in appointments. I really don't like them though. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. It sucks.

So yeah, I have 2 head appointments this week. Next week I have a fankle appointment, hoping to get the cast off but who knows. I will have had it on coming up to 4 weeks when I have the appointment and it would have been nearly 5 weeks since I injured it. It's still painful. I am ok-ish walking on it now. But, it hurts more after if I have been putting weight through it. When I am not able to put it up it also hurts more then. So not sure what the answer will be really. Only 1 week tomorrow til my appointment and so I should find out more then. I am looking forward to gettting my car back and not having to rely on people to ferry me around all the time.

I also have my needle in the arm pre operation appointment.  I am still planning on trying to make myself ill through the GA. It says not to eat before hand and to avoid fizzy drinks. So there's my plan. I don't think I will be put on a ventilator so it's not as though they would notice really. Well they would but hopefully it will be too late by then.

I know I am doing it again. Saying one thing; about my course and that I am worried. But, at the same time any opportunity for it to look accidental and not my own fault and where I am not going to be aware of it I am going to take.

I know that I will one day succeed. I don't see me living a full and whatever life. But, in the mean time I am not going to sit around doing nothing.

I suppose I will write again when I have more to say and to say how tomorrow goes.

x

Ha ha ha.

I went out tonight. Brought home food from KFC (chicken and coleslaw) to have in bed. It was scrummy. Is it an  English thing to get food at the end of the night. First off, me and uni friend said we would wait on to the bus a bit longer to go into city centre even though went past our house, so we could get some food. Then we were like why don't we go for a drink. I had a bottle of vodka that I took to party in next city and brought back. We went to bar. I got preferential treatment and got to use disabled facilities as currently I am cripple with my leg and all that. Surprisingly, it was a good pulling tool. Not that I did. But, it was amazing how much I could have pulled, just on sympathy vote alone. Shame none of them were fit.

 So all Friend had to get was 2 cokes. We kept topping them up with the vod. In the end. I was like...I wan't food and so do you. Lets walk another mile to go to KFC just so I can get hicken and coleslaw...ummmm.

Brought home. In bed. Ate the food in bed, what a scuzz. deciding whether or not to take pi pills now? I don't really wanna sleep 15 hours from now, but I wanna sleep. And I don't wanna not take them as don't want withdrawals. Decisions decisions????


x

I Cried.

Appointment with Sam today. I ended up in tears. Over the stupidist thing. I can talk about self harm, I can talk about my past, I can talk about really tough things. But talking about that I am tired and fed up of having a broken foot/ankle (I am not sure which bone it is so from now on a fookle) I start crying. stupid. I said it's because I am tired. I am getting over emotional and a bit of a wreck.

I'm feeling a little over whelmed recently. Last night I was crying through all of Glee (I virgin plused it). How ridiculous is that. It's supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be something that make you laugh. But me, no, I cry through most of it. I am so stupid!

Placement/work have told me I can't be in while I am on crutches as of health and safety. Even if I get the cast off if I am still on crutches I can't go in as of health and safety. I suppose that has upset me as I liked getting out the house. It was an escape. But as it is now, I am stuck. Stuck with my own thoughts in my own head. Although, saying that the enforced day off on Friday *cough working from home, means that after phsyio I can come home, put ear plugs in to drown out the noise (my nephews are here, them you expect to make noise, it's my Dad that is the problem) and get on with work.

I felt I needed to cry more today. But I wasn't going to let myself cry in front of someone else. I don't do that. Once I start I usually end up sobbing and not being able to get my breath so I try to ensure I don't even start. But I feel like I want to cry at the moment. I am so fed up. So frustrated. Even though I have been told if I have to add days on to final placement I can still graduate at same time as my friends. Yet I feel like this. I feel like crying. I don't usually feel like crying. I think it's the pain, tiredness, frustration, stress, Dr T and the fact I am bleeding again and my mixed metformin and the pill isn't working and I have been discharged from the gynecologist. So it looks like another possible referral. I will give it another couple of months before I go back to doc with it and see what happens then. It's only a recent thing so maybe I will wait a bit. Stupid Ovaries and their polycysticness!

I'm going to go be miserable and cry at Casualty then maybe come back upstairs and watch The Pursuit of Happiness! All joy me!

x

Paranoia....

I keep getting paranoid thoughts all the time. An example is I was sitting outside last night having a cig and I had this thought that I was being watched with cameras. My rationalisation on that one....actually GP you are being watched. Your parents have CCTV. So yup, some truth in that one! LOL. Joking aside though it is things like that. I have thoughts that there are cameras watching me. Watching me just to see how insane I am and gathering evidence. Most of it all comes back to the fear of being sectioned and having to go in to hospital.

My main one yesterday, even though Dr T kept saying he wasn't going to section me (I did say quite rudely...well I know that you can't on your own but...) only a couple of hours previous, when I had an appointment with a researcher and he was asking me questions I thought it was all a ploy.

I will go in to this one a bit more. When I was in hospital recently with my ankle/foot I was asked if I would partake in a research study into the impact of injuries and how it affects your life. I know how hard it can be getting participants so I agreed. So he arranged to come and see me yesterday and was asking lots and lots of questions. He asked loads about my mental health before the accident and it made me so uncomfortable. I lied quite a bit about it but was honest in some parts. I didn't want his impression of me to be craaaaaazy woman! He was a young guy and I found it really hard talking about it to him as I had never met him and I was in my own home. I don't do talking about it in my own home. Also it didn't help that all the while he was asking the questions I was thinking this is just a thing from the Psychiatry side to test me again. They want to know if I am being honest with them and are testing me to see how I answer questions about my mood etc. I was so paranoid about it. I was so glad when he left and felt massive relief. But part of me feels that he is going to feed back on my answers to the Psych team.

Mad, I know.

I have paranoia that I am being followed and watched. That people I don't know are constantly assessing me. I feel that people are paid to do this and they will all report back on what I am doing and how I seem to be behaving.

I was outside at work today having a cigarette. An ambulance on blue lights pulls up along side me. Stops. Moves forward a little. Stops and reverses to where I am. Can you imagine my thoughts on that one. I think I recognised one of the paramedics also. He looked at me a bit weird as though he recognised me. They got out really slowly and I was just stood there in total panic about what was going to happen. As it happened they went in to the brothel/drug den across the road from me.

I know these are paranoid thoughts. I can try and rationalise with myself that really the NHS does not have money to spend to employ someone to follow people. And it violates one of the Human Rights of The Right to a Private Family Life. And I try and look at it from a professional view. Never have I heard of that being done. They have so many other patients that really that many resources on me...it aint gonna happen! But there is still that massive seed of doubt. There's the keeping in check of my behaviour, so like not just lying on the floor for the hell of it which sometimes I like to do, just in case there are cameras in my room.

I don't know if it's getting worse. I don't think they are. But what does worry me is how they are all pulled back to one thing and that is being in hospital. I am that scared of it that these paranoid thoughts are appearing.

I will just have to get on with it though.

On another note, I have a date for the operation. June 2nd. That's to get the needle out my arm. Although I have to go to a pre-op thing a week before. The surgeon really didn't want to do it and was trying to pursuade me otherwise. So I think they will turn round in this pre-op thing and say while your BMI is not between 20-25 we will not do it as you have elected to have it done. So watch this space on that one. I think that will be my accidental death if they do decide to go ahead. Perhaps if I eat when I am not supposed to then it will result in my aspirating...yay! But as I said, I don't think they will do it. If it is something as simple as BMI I will be pissed off as surely he could have said there and then that he didn't think it would be appropriate as my BMI is outside normal range.

Who knows.

I have been put on 300mg of Quetiapine now. Dr T said he will write to my GP to get the prescription. He said I can take it in one dose and go from 100 to 300mg straight off. Well, I am not so sure. I know when I first started taking it it took me a few days to adjust. So I have decided I am upping it slowly. I took 200mg tonight. I hope it will make me sleep. I feel like I could now so I am going to try.

Wish me luck.

xxx

Pissed Off

I was having last minute doubts about Sam coming to the appointment with Dr T today but didn't do anything about it. Turns out it wasn't that bad. Although Sam did bring up how paranoid I was when I was in the hyper mood. So the doc starts asking me how paranoid I was and about what. I felt so stupid. I couldn't talk with 2 professionals there. It was too much. So I just quickly said about being sectioned. He asked if there was anything else and I said no. He asked me if I was sure as it didn't look like I was being truthful. So I said about people following me. I said I can rationalise those thoughts but there is always a seed of doubt there and that perhaps it is true. Well actually before I said that I said I didn't want to say as it sounded stupid and I know it's not the case and I didn't want to. But he said how can I help you if you don't tell me. So queue me feeling so stupid and telling him that. I didn't tell him how every time I see a police car I feel they are coming for me. Or that people are tricking me by telling me they are doing one thing but really they are doing another...I'll get to more of that in a bit.


We talked more about when I am feeling as though everything is going fast. And you know what he put it down to...panic state. No. I don't feel panicked. I don't have anything to feel panicky about. Ok, maybe the paranoia makes me feel a bit on edge. But it's nothing massive and I can rationalise with myself. So he said well, what you have described is panic state and that fits in with BPD. I told him again I didn't agree. And queried that with PD isn't it a more rapid cycling of mood. He said not necessary. He goes on to tell me and tried to re-assure me that PD is seen as an illness just the same as bi-polar, depression, schizophrenia. What a load of SHIT!!!!!!!!!! Please remember I have seen MH from both sides. Do not try to fob me off Dr T!

Not just the stigma that comes with that diagnosis but I don't believe that it is the diagnosis. I have more trust in Dr Google than I do him. I don't know how many sources that Dr Google has but all of them disagree with him. On those quiz things, ok I know most of them are for fun but some are to do with the DSM-IV and there is some element of truth in them. But not one that I have done points to PD. I don't know. Maybe because I know there is so much of a stigma that comes with that that maybe is pushing me in the opposite way. He kept going on and on about it being a deep routed thing and will take a lot of work.

I emailed Sam after the appointment saying this to her

"Don't know if I said it earlier but thanks for coming with me today.


I'm still pissed off as I don't think it's an accurate diagnosis and it's all well and good saying not to focus on it but if it's on my records it is what other people will see as soon as they pick up my file. It's not just the stigma etc that is attached to it and what other people see which clouds my judgement but I just don't think it's right. I know I shouldn't put too much faith in Dr Google but from what I have read around it and those stupid tests, which some are based on DSM-IV but not one of them points to PD. "

It just seems as no one is listening to me. How many times do I have to tell them I don't have problems with anxiety or panicking. Actually to be fair I may have said that I do. They ask so many bloody questions and want answers and I am not sure if I have, maybe I haven't that I sometimes feel anxious. I am going to have to say it on Wednesday when I see Sam. I don't think that I am anxious person. Yeah, I get normal anxiety before exams etc but not in general. People have commented on how calm I am before exams presentations and getting marks back. My philosophy is I have not worked as hard as I could have so however I do is a bonus. Or in terms of work and presentations - I have done what I can do so what is the point fretting about it all now. What's done is done and there is no changing it. I don't find anxiety bothers me at all. So why do people fixate on it.

I am going to have to speak to Sam about it as I am just throwing things out there when really, that isn't what it is. I think maybe I am saying things people want to hear. Sam could tell I was feeling pissed off as she grabbed me before she left and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no, and I was going home to stew over it.

I think I self harm when I am angry. I self harm when I am pissed off. I know a couple of times I have been so pissed off and I have ended up self harming. I think a lot of it is habit. He was asking about the self harm again and I said it's pretty much every day. He seemed to think it was a good thing that I had not self harmed more since I have been at home more. That shows how much he listens as I have said before, I never self harm in the day and it is late at night. So being on my own all day does not make one bit of difference.

He asked me if I had thoughts of doing anything else. Well, yeah, they are there most the time. But I didn't go in to detail. By this point I was just pissed off and wanted to leave.

I am getting a support worker or a CCO. He wants me to call them rather than self harm. Nope, doesn't work like that for me. If I decide I am going to self harm that is it. Also, I feel it's so ingrained in me that it happens so often that speaking to someone isn't going to help. But, what he did point out which was true was I wont talk to anyone who I don't know. And they will be there between my appointments with Sam. He did say would only be for 2-3 months. I don't see how I am going to get to know someone in that amount of time and trust them for them to be effective, so really what is the point? What if I don't like the person and don't feel as though I can talk to them at all. It's a bit of a waste of time really. I am being very negative aren't I?

So long story short. I am getting a CCO/Support Worker, albeit for a limited time. He has upped the dose of Quetiapine to 300mg. To be taken in one go. That's going to be fun then isn't it? He keeps going on about how is for aggitation and anxiety..."HELLLOOOOOO, have you not listened to a word I have said". I should get some sleep hopefully anyway as not slept the last 3 nights. And that was it. That was a horrible Psychiatrist appointment.

I was going to write about the other paranoia things but this is rather lomg as it is so I will save that for another post.

This bloody appointment has made me so angry. I want to cry when I am angry. I am not going to let this make me cry!

Tonight's Thoughts.

Gonna be quick as I am knackered. But if I am using this as a diary thing I wanted to get down how I am feeling.

I am feeling nervous. I have an appointment with Dr T the Psychiatrist tomorrow and Sam is coming. I sort of wish she wasn't now. But it's too late to cancel as she has possibly re-arranged her diary to come and it would be rude of me to cancel on her. Also, I can kind of see some benefit of having someone else come with me. Especially someone who knows me better than Dr T. I have asked her to bring up that hyper stage if I forget and explain to him what I was like when she saw me. It's hard for me to recall things like that.

Anyway, I am nervous about the appointment also. I don't like going. My Mum has said she will give me a lift there and I will have to get a taxi back. My foot/ankle is still killing me. I don't know if they will be able to take the cast off on Friday if it is still so painful. But at the same time they want me to be moving it as they think there is ligament damage also which means it needs to be exercised. I have found if I have had quite an active day and I have put weight on it then it's worse after and the pain gets close to unbearable. I am taking combined Ibuprofen and Paracetamol. I struggle to take paracetamol. Especially when I am feeling suicidal or the thoughts are regular. It's like a flash back and I gag on them. When I don't feel that suicidal and the thoughts haven't been there it's easier to take them. Look at that for a bit of psychology.

I have joined Match.com. I know I don't really have time at the moment but I was bored and it gives me someone to talk to. Also, there are a few gigs and comedians playing that I haven't been able to go to that I would have liked to go to as my friends have different tastes than me. So even if I don't meet someone as a boyfriend I would like to meet a guy friend who will go to gigs etc with me. It's nice having guys in your life as they offer a different perspective and it's nice to have the company of a male sometimes rather than always being in female company.

So, I may possibly have some entertaining stories about what goes on. I have only paid for a month though and I am in cast for the next week. In hindsight perhaps I should have waited until the cast was off before going and paying £40 for a months membership.

Oh well. Hindsight is a great thing!

Stuck In The Middle

I was speaking to my Mum earlier. My Dad has apparently said to my Mum he wants her to leave him. She has said to me, she doesn't be the one who wants to instigate it. But wants to. And asks me for my advice. I said to her as I have said a million times, talk about it nice and calmly when you have not had a drink! So she said to me, what do you know. You have had a drink. So what! I have said it so many times. I have said it when she storms in to my room at night asking me. I said it to my brother the other day. I think for both brothers they feel my Mum should leave him. I still feel like a child and want every thing to be good. They have been together nearly 35 years. I want to be the .4 child. I hate how she tells me the problems. I know I should get a grip. I am nearly 27. I am an adult. But I don't want all of that. I want them to sit down and talk about things. I can see my Mum's point. I can see how she would not want to be with him. He is saying that as of what she is feeling. But it wouldn't take that much to change his chauvinist ways. I think that would solve it. I do. I think.

But then I think they only married as my Mum was pregnant at 18. And back in 1976 it was not the done thing. Not when you are a nice catholic girl, with nice catholic parents, nice catholic middle class parents who's father was in politics and close on being a MP. And would have been if he hadn't have fallen over a balcony in County Hall. He was a VIP my Grandad. He couldn't have been seen with a teenage daughter who was pregnant and unmarried.

So where do I lie now. My Mum is now close on being MP. My Dad is not supportive. And I must say I voted for the other party. Not because I didn't want her in, but because her party doesn't quite tow the line I want to be following. I don't agree with a lot of their plans, so I voted the opposite way.

So here I am. Had to listen to the shit that goes on between them. Has to put up with the crap. I can't say what I think as no one listens to me.

I think I am going to ask my brother if I can stay at his over the next few days. I need to run away from this whole situation. I don't want to be brought in to it.

Is that bad? Is that wrong?

Bath Time

Why the hell do crisis teams and everyone else suggest you take a bath. I hate baths. I am not a bath person. What is relaxing about wallowing in your own dirty water?

I have noticed it's not just me it is suggested to. From reading other peoples blogs it seems to be the suggested thing. What will a bath do? I'm feeling suicidal, well I'll drown myself, stick a toaster in the bath, etc etc.

It annoys me how they seem to have their standard responses to everything. Another one is go for a walk. OK. It's gone midnight. The area I live in, while it's very middle class, full of doctors, surgeons, professors, lawyers and the like there is also a LOT of crime. When I lived with Gom I lived in an area that was all terraced houses. Yet, for some strange reason I felt safer there. And I have never been a victim of any crime there. Yet, it's funny really. Doing what I am doing now, the drug addicts I work with refuse to live in that area as there are too many drug dealers and a lot of problems. I never saw that. I just thought it was full of will never amount to anything chavs. Yet, where I am now, there is no way I would go out on my own. I hate even going out for a cig at night even though I have a fully secure back garden. So going for a walk is not really an option. And, even during the day it isn't really. I find if I walk, I think. If I think then I get worse. Going for a walk and getting in to my head is really not for the best. Yeah, for some people it may work. You know, that whole take them away from the scene where they may self harm. But not me. I just think about it more while I am walking and then it's worse if I put it off.

Another one I have had...get a pet? I've got one thanks. I love her to bits, but I don't see what benefit it has. Also, I had a cat. He died suddenly. Not good for someone with suicidal tendencies lol! He was a FME though that's police doctor to anyone who doesn't know. It was after the 136 when he was one of the 2 docs (one of which was a psychiatrist) and the AMHP (social worker). The FME was probably more used to dealing with handcuff injuries at the police station than assessing me who is not quite right in the head.

I don't know what all this is. I don't think it's just depression. I don't feel that I meet the criteria for a PD. I don't meet enough of the criteria. Also, although they are not reliable but messing around on those online quiz things it doesn't come up as that either. So what is it?

Sam keeps talking about anxiety. I don't think I am an anxious person. I said I may self harm as a way to relieve the anxiety, but thinking about it I don't feel anxious when I self harm. My self harm is usually planned; if I know I am going to have the house to my self for a couple of days then I will plan on cutting. I have not cut since January. For me cutting is a process that can take hours and I need to know no one is in in case I get disturbed. So I blood let instead. Most nights I spend 5-10 minutes doing it. Sometimes longer if I can't find a vein. I don't feel anxious. Is it habit, is it addiction. Who knows. Sam kept saying how she thought I had come on a long way since starting counselling and that I am able to look more for reasons, rather than just saying I don't know. But I don't know. That's the thing. I just feel stupid saying I don't know as it is my answer for everything. And the way "they" view it all is that a supposedly intelligent girl should be able to have answers, should be looking for answers and have reasons, not just I don't know. But I DON'T KNOW!

Is it an attention thing? Do I like seeing a Psychiatrist and all these other people? Is it some kind of Munchhausen's where the symptoms are easier to make up? Well in truth. No. I don't think it's an attention thing. Surly if it was I would be telling more people about the self harm. But as it is I want to hide it. Hence moving from cutting to blood letting. I see it as a less severe method. No scars, no medical intervention. I honestly don't get what they are getting in to a tiz over it for. It's not like I am turning up at hospital needing treatment for cuts every day. They should be thankful it's not. This way I take up less resources.

I hate having a psychiatrist. I hate not being normal. I hate being reminded of this all the time. My thighs are a mass of scars. My left forearm has scars. I can not help but see them every day. Every day I am reminded that I am not normal. I hate it! I hate it so much it is one of the things that makes me think about suicide. OK, things may not be as low as they are all the time. But it's still there. The thoughts are still pretty much a constant. I watched Anna M earlier ( a French film...really good. It's still on iPlayer on BBC4, well worth a watch) and I admired her courage of jumping out in front of a car. Not a method I would choose but still. But I have the constant reminders that I am not normal. That I am not right in the head as I choose to harm myself by cutting. I am always going to have this. Say I do live until I am 40. Say I have a family, get married, settle down. Every time I go to the loo I am reminded at the way I am. It's shit!

The Munchausens thing? Again. One thing cutting and getting treatment but my way of self harming at the moment is blood letting which I don't require treatment for. If it was that wouldn't I be doing something that required more treatment. A thing that I could possibly do if it was that would be to take small OD's, present at the ED and get bloods, get the psych referral etc etc etc. Please don't read this as I think people who take small OD's only have Munchhausen's.

Munchhausen's is a funny thing. Don't you think it's slightly ironic that the way to treat a disorder which is classed as an attention seeking disorder is by giving that person attention from a psychiatric side. Oh well, just a thought of mine.

Before you say it. I am not pissed. I haven't had a drink even in over a week (wow I sound like an alcoholic saying that lol). I don't know what has set me off on one tonight. I couldn't sleep so watched a film, still couldn't sleep so came on here. And now here I am. This was only going to be a quick moan about "professionals" and their way that they think a person should deal with a crisis. Frankly, I find it patronising. As a supposedly intelligent person, if I found it somewhere in me that I needed to ring crisis line it would be because I can't cope. I would have tried all I can to try and cope. And to be then told, "take a bath, go for a walk", well I would feel like punching them and screaming. I would feel patronised. I think that is why I haven't rang crisis team before. I know what I should be doing and I do it. If it's not worked then I need more input than their stupid, generic responses that they give everyone who is feeling that they are in crisis.

Bloody hell. What has set me off on one tonight?

Counselling

Just had my first counselling appointment in 3 weeks. It went ok. Sam said I seem a lot calmer and more chilled out. The most I have done since she has met me. I said this is probably due to the morphine as nothing much has changed. I explained how I have come out of the hyper-ness and this was probably due to the morphine as I was dosed up with it from when I went in and it knocked me out.

I think Sam seems to think I have an alcohol problem. Yeah I fell over while pissed. OK I drank 3 bottles of wine which was very excessive. I am aware of that. But it's not very often that happens. I will occasionally get a bottle of wine at the weekend and have that to myself in front of the TV, but, it's not all the time. Or every night. Or even regularly. She said she was surprised at the fact that my parents drink a lot and I don't like being around them when they're pissed that I drink. The way she said it was as though I have a problem. I drink less than my friends do and it's not as though I only self harm when I have been drinking. Sometimes I use drink as a self harm thing but it's not a regular thing. I know I sound defensive about this and that makes it seem as though I possibly have a problem but I have actually seen someone before about my drinking. This was someone from an alcohol problem place. They said I didn't have a problem with alcohol but sometimes I used alcohol as a method of self harm.

I suppose not remembering parts of nights is a worry. But a lot of people, a lot of my friends, a lot of people my age, who binge drink it is the same thing. I did say however, I have a lot of bruises on my thighs and around my groin area from the night I broke my foot which concerns me. They look like finger print bruises and I don't know where they came from. Sam asked if someone was with me all the time. I think someone was so I don't think anyone hurt me. Also I think I would remember something like that as it's pretty big.

Sam kept describing how I was as appearing anxious and it seemed as though I was in a heightened state of anxiety. I said I wasn't feeling that anxious and I quite liked the way I was as it was productive. Other than the increased paranoia I would rather be like that than low. I explained how I was paranoid a lot of the time though and so it wasn't much change. I dunno what it is.

I told her how I had doubled up on Quetiapine as I had got dose wrong of tablet hospital had given me. I said since being in hospital I had felt better over the past week but I didn't know if this was the morphine or quetiapine. Because, really, I haven't got anything to feel better about. In fact I should be feeling like shit considering what is going off. I am so stressed out with uni work and I have got so much to do. Sam said I have extenuating circumstances though so I can get an extension. My course director obviously told her I could have those if I wanted. I don't want them for my mentalness though. I may need them for my leg as of missing days on placement and being zombied on morphine. I would rather not take them. I need to take advantage of working from home over the next 2days and get on with some uni stuff. I am worrying about it and the more I worry the more I put it off. It's typical of me. Running away from my problems.

The self harm is still pretty much the same and we discussed that. We discussed different things which could possibly lead to me self harming and why I do. I don't know why I do it. But I feel as though "I don't know" is not a good enough answer so I try and think of things to say what it could be. Sam seems to think me being able to come up with reasons is progress. I am not so sure. Me keep saying what it could be and then focusing on that, I don't think is right. If it's not that then the problem is still there and it's not going to go away. And. I don't honestly think I will stop self harming. I say I want to but, I get so much from it. I know it's not healthy. I know I shouldn't be saying that. Perhaps me saying that in it's self is enough to warrant me being in counselling and under a Psychiatrist. But, I get a lot from self harming. I don't know why I do it. I don't know what led to it. I would rather be someone who didn't need to self harm but as it is I do. As it is I don't think I want to stop. To the professionals I say I do want to stop. I just don't see it happening. I don't see not being suicidal. I don't see me ever being normal. I am always going to have this with me. The scars are always going to remind me just how good it feels as the blood trickles down my leg, as the razor slices through flesh and you can see it parting. That drug like feeling. The feeling as I find a vein with the needle and the drip drip drip. It's ecstasy. In fact it's better than that, I've done that and the feeling on that is not as good. I don't think I've admitted that to anyone before. In fact, I don't think I have admitted it to myself before. So what do I do?

What do I do? Should I be in counselling? Should I stop until the time comes when I want to stop? What if I never want to stop? Will I end up killing myself. What if I tell them I don't want to stop? Will they force me in to hospital? Is it worse that I don't want to stop? Should I just keep that to myself? Questions questions questions.

I suppose in a way writing a blog is good for me. It helps me articulate my feelings. I wonder if I would have been able to come to that conclusion without the blog. What is self harm?

What is self harm to you?

xxx

Fed Up.

I am so fed up. And pissed off. It's my Dad that is causing it. He is driving me insane. He has a go at me for something he does all the time. I would say first off but it's not the first off. Yesterday he was talking to me like shit. We were sat there having lunch and the door bell went. He was sitting right next to it. I couldn't move or get it as takes me an hour to do anything. But he shouts at my mum to get it. She is in the other room having her lunch. So I said "don't ask mum to get it, she's in the other room having her lunch" he states he didn't know. So I said something along the lines of well she said she was and she only walked past you 2 minutes ago holding her lunch and saying she was going in the other room. All this time there is someone standing at the door and he can just see me and my Dad sitting there. So I try and get up and he has a go at me for trying to get up when I am in pain, so he shouts my Mum again. I am so pissed off at him. He then has the cheek to have a go at me for having attitude. So I said I don't talk to you any worse than you talk to Mum or me.

Then my brother was making tea after evening dinner. He shouts in will someone make him a coffee. He is sat on the computer messing around on photo shop. We shout that my brother is making tea and he says "well I want coffee you;ll just have to make me a coffee then"! His attitude stinks. He expects everyone to run around after him. He'll tell my mum to go get something for him from the kitchen when they are both sitting there and it's something he wants. A drink, some wine, an orange, some cream, toothpicks, anything. It drives me mad how he expects people to run around after him.

It's always been like this but usually I hide out in my bedroom. But with being like I am at the moment I can't escape. I am having to rely on people to get me things. I hate asking. I really do. I hate having people have to run round after me.

Today. My nephews come at about 8am. All I can hear is him. My nephews are 2 years and one at 4 months. He makes more noise than them both put together.All I can hear is him. I go downstairs at 9.30am after he has gone out as I am pissed at him for waking me up and just being noisy. He is like it all the time. He has baby talk tourettes. It gets to me so much. I can't stand being around when there's him and my nephews as it just pisses me off and really gets to me.

So I spend the morning doing uni work and work work in my room. I decide to have a shower and go downstairs to get a drink. He's there and starts making comments how I have just decided to get up and grace my nephews with my presence. When he got back I was in the shower and then getting ready. I go down stairs and my mum asks me to watch the 2 year old while he has his lunch. So I am sat there talking to him and my dad starts having a go at me for being noisy. And then making loads of snide comments. I snapped in the end and said "you stand need to talk with the way you are so don't you dare have a go at me when I am not even being noisy"! I am so sick of it all. I am fed up. I am sick of being stuck in the house all the time. I can't go anywhere. I can't do anything.

I have again retreated to my room. I love my nephews but I don't want to be around when he is around as it winds me up so much. I can't stand the sight of him at the moment and I hate the way he talks to my Mum and expects every one to run around after him. He can't look after the kids as he doesn't know what he is doing. He expects everyone to do the bad things that they don't like like nappy changing. The other day he left tea on the side and let the 2 year old wander in to the kitchen and as an after thought he said "oh, you best go see what he is doing as there is a cup of tea on the side". He doesn't think. He doesn't watch them properly. It drives me mad. He winds them up on purpose and then gets annoyed when they are being noisy. He does the same to the dog and makes her bark and then shouts at her really loudly scaring her when it is him who did that. I am so bloody angry. So angry that the whole situation makes me cry. I always cry when I am angry. Not good.

I really want to spend some time with my nephews but I can't when he is around. He takes over and then expects me to do the things that they don't like like wiping their hands, washing their face, changing his nappy etc. And then says things like "ohhh, nasty Aunty GP making you do that". It makes them play up even more and makes the job a lot harder than it should be.

I feel bad saying all these things but I am so pissed off, so fed up that I can't cope. I can't concentrate on anything. It makes me never want to go downstairs. I can hear him now shouting and being noisy. I hate it. I look forward to the nights he is out. Which unfortunately is only Tuesdays. I wish he would just go and do some bloody work.

And to top it all off. My cast foot is wet. It got wet in the shower and now it's all soggy and cold. Feels horrible.

Nerves

I have an appointment with Sam tomorrow. I am nervous. I don't know why. I have nothing major to tell her. I will talk about how I broke my foot and how I blame myself. But I don't know why I am nervous about it.

I suppose last time I saw her I was a bit hyper, or as Sam said like I had taken amphetamines. This only really stopped the day after I broke my foot because I was dosed up on morphine. I've also got an appointment with Dr T on Monday. I am not looking forward to that. Sam said she is coming with me. I have asked her to. She keeps offering all the time to come to different appointments with me so I thought I would take her up on the offer. I never seem to remember what has been said.

I still feel that Dr T is wanting to section me. I know Sam has spoke to him and has tried to reassure me that it is not the case. But I still have this horrible feeling that is the route he is following. He mentioned Mental Health Act Assessments and I still never really got a proper answer about it. It is like he is avoiding answering it. Is seeing a psychiatrist every month pretty normal in terms of amount of times I see him? How often do you see your Psychiatrist?

I am a bit all over the place today. It doesn't help that I have run out of morphine and dihydrocodeine now and I am in quite a lot of pain. I am sick of being cooped up in the house having to rely on people to do everything for me. It is driving me insane. My Dad is also not helping as he is in one of his moods. And I am getting pissed off with him as he expects my Mum to run around after him all the time. It drives me mad. And then he had the cheek to have a go at me for speaking to him with attitude (when I wasn't really I was just pulling him up on what he was doing and he didn't like it) when he was talking to me like crap. It's one rule for him and another for everyone else. I love him but at the same time I can't bare to be around him. He has been on holiday for the last 2 weeks and he was not supposed to be getting back until today but he got back last Thursday instead. When I was told he was coming home early I was disappointed. It's awful isn't it? Maybe it's just me being over sensitive as I am so fed up. I have another 10days of not being able to do anything. And that's at the earliest. I have to go back for physio and it's not certain that the cast will be coming off then. It's just a trial. I am so fed up of all of this. I need my space. I need to be able to get out on my own. I hate being stuck inside all day and then having to rely on everyone as I can't even get myself a drink and take it to watch TV. I've had enough.

So I am trying at working from home. I don't have the motivation at the moment to do it. I am panicking about uni work and what I need to be doing for this and I am going mad with worry about that but, keep putting it off.

So I have the appointment with Sam tomorrow. I suppose I could just talk about how I a feeling at the moment. I suppose that is what I will do.

I feel so angry and pissed off.

Help?

I need help.

I have to think of a dissertation research question that I have to write 15000 words on. I want to do a research study (quantitative) and I want it to be around mental health and possibly stigmatisation. I want to highlight somehow that even social workers carry a stigma towards mental health and how holding these prejudices could effect their practice. It seems quite basic though.

My ideas so far have been show that even if people aren't aware of the prejudices they hold that they are there. How I was going to show this would be taking a description of a person. Make them sound like the best person in the world. Then on one condition make a vignette that they have a mental health problem then on the other not mention it. Then I was going to ask questions to the person reading it about things like how likeable they find the person, how likely they would be to date the person, etc etc. And then compare the 2 groups. I don't know how I could relate this to social work though.

I want to write about mental health and I want to do my own study as I feel that would be easier than a 15000 literature report as I have already done research reports before when doing my psychology degree. I am used to the format of research reports and it is what I am comfortable with.

So I need help with ideas. It has to relate to social work somehow and also about how it would enable a social worker to be aware of any anti oppressive practice and how they may bring their own values in to their practice and how this can be avoided. Please please please help me as I am really struggling with all of this.


Thanks

xxxx

Patients and Professionals.

I thought I would give the blog carnival thing a go this month. The Madosphere is hosting it and I am going to have a go at making a contribution.

The theme...Patients and Professionals.

I am not usually one for joining in with things but this theme kind of spoke out to me. You see, I have experience of both sides.

Currently I am doing a Masters in Social Work. My aim; to be a mental health social worker. I want to do my AMHP's training and work as part of a crisis team. To get on to the course I have worked as a support worker in hospitals on the psychiatric wards. I have previously written about my experience of working on a ward and how I was attacked by a patient which landed me in hospital having a CT scan and being off work with concussion and work related injury. I had a comment on that post saying that I provoked that person just by being who I was and having restrained people in the past. As a support worker no one likes restraining people. It is done only as a last resort of in an emergency situation if they are endangering their own life or they are likely to cause harm to another person.

 Restraining someone is horrible. It's uncomfortable, it's hot, it's sweaty and you can end up with your head in body parts of other members of staff that usually you would wait a good few dates before going there. There is techniques you learn where everyone has their part and place. It's choreographed. In theory it works smoothly and doesn't cause you as a restrainer any pain. In practice, it's messy. You grab on to the bit that is flying towards your face and don't let go. Getting down on to the floor is not the nice 3 movements that is practiced but more of a stumble and then you right yourself in to position. Very rarely do you have the nice 3 steps.

There is more to being a support worker than restraining someone though. A lot more. When people ask what I do (or did) the usual reply is "I couldn't do your job". I even had it from police officers. I went in to the job taking a £13k a year pay cut. So when patients in their anger said to me "you only do this for the money". No. I don't do it for the money as the money is shit! Yes. It is really shit. In my first job when I would work a 60 hour week every other week and a 30 hour week every other I was taking home less than £900 per month. I did the job because I wanted to do something with my life that was meaningful. Working as a sales manager in a high street bank was not meaningful. Ok, I used it as a stepping stone to get somewhere else but the somewhere else has the same reasons behind it. I want to be in a professional role that means something. I want to feel as though I am making a difference.

Having worked in a few different settings I have found the same attitude from professionals. And that would be a long the lines of "not another PD", ( can I just say here I appreciate I may look as though I am being demeaning by referring to it as PD, however, can I assure you I am not it's just that it is a lot quicker to type PD than personality disorder each time) "why waste resources on PD's, they are never going to change", "that's typical PD, attention seeking, look at me behaviour". I have also seen how quick they are to diagnose PD. It seems to be the first thing that is diagnosed. "You are female, you self harm, then that has to be PD".

 I have seen professionals make jokes about patients and their diagnosis. Not exactly professional. Some of the professionals I have worked with really should not be doing what they are doing. I have had doctors tell me how much they hate their job and they followed the Psychiatry route as they thought it would be easier. OK, having a joke sometimes can make the job a little easier. In my first role there used to be quite lot a jokes made while in restraint. Not because they thought it was funny, not at the patients expense but because it was a highly stressful situation to be in and it dispersed some of the fear/stress/tension that they may have been feeling. But to joke about patients themselves it doesn't look good. Joke with patients but not at them. There is a thing going round on the internet about being a psychiatric nurse...

You know when you're a psych nurse when...

1. The words 'Sorry, what?!?' Come out of your mouth at least twice a day.

2. A lighter is as vital a part of your working equipment as a ballpoint pen.

3. You're more worried about the staff then the patients.

4. You spend your first shift feeling like batman with half the stuff you have to wear on your belt.

5. The first hour of your shift is gossip and cuppa time.

6. You realise you're called a nurse because they couldn't fit nurse-councillor-cleaner-cook-occupational therapist-social worker-Mother-security-clown-voice of reason-secretary-bank clerk-typist-public relations-personal shopper- maid-waitress- expected expert on everything there is to know ever, on your name badge.

7. You've ever had to stuff your fist into your mouth to stop yourself laughing because it's just not professional.

8. You'll quite happily throttle anyone who suggests you're not a 'proper' nurse.
9. You're amazed at the sheer randomness of the things you're paid to do.

10. You don't have to eat general hospital food and you're damn glad of it.

11. A cuppa is the life blood of your working day. If it aint there, you aint there.

12. Students are a brilliant one size fits all scapegoat.

13.You'll complain about what a god awful job you have but you'd never leave cause where else would you meet a group of people who could make your jaw drop, your sides ache and your heart bleed as much as this lot.

14. You realise that every taught bit of restraint goes clean out of your head and you just grab the first thing coming at you and hold on!

15. No management issues means: Couldn't think of anything to say about this patient but I thought it would look bad to write 'Patient has done nothing all day'.

16. You'll fight to the death for a black biro.

17. People are always telling you how much they admire what you do but still tell you you're mad for wanting to do it.

18. General nurses when they find out you're psych invariably answer with 'What made you want to do THAT?' As if you've just told them you juggle radioactive material for a living.

19. You find yourself trying to pull an imaginary alarm outside of work.

20. You leg it to find out what all the shouting is about and realise it's actually none of your business as you're currently in a supermarket.

21. You begin to realise that you less you do, the better the job you're doing.

22. You go into a blind panic cause you think you've lost your house keys cause they're not attached to your belt

I found the private company I worked for the most unprofessional of all the places I have worked in. That and the fact none of my views were considered were the reasons I left.

I have found working in mental health a lot of the people I know who work in the same area do so because they have had their own mental health problems. What draws people to it. Is it because they are looking for answers about why they are like they are. I was drawn to it because of my own experiences.

I have seen it from both sides from professional and from patient. I have never been an inpatient (unless you count the 9 hours on a section 136). But I have had lots and lots of dealings within mental health services for my self. Does having the experience give me an advantage? And who has the advantage?

Well, in some ways yes. I feel I can benefit from having worked in that as it makes me more patient when it comes to receiving services. I know there are big shortages within the area. I know there is a strain on the area and it makes me more patient when I know why I am having to wait. I don't have the "they don't care, I am not important enough, I don't matter" kind of thoughts. Because of this I am patiently waiting and they don't have me on the phone chasing things up all the time (I am not saying that people who haven't worked in mental health would be, but it's the kind of person I am...I don't have much patience when it comes to things like this....being told I can have something but not knowing when and having to wait).

I do feel though when I am being interviewed by a professional for the first time or for example by the psych medicine department (which always interview you after you have received treatment for self harm), I have feel as though I get an attitude of "you should know better than to self harm, than to try and kill yourself". It's like because I have experience in that area I should see what it's all about and not do it as it is stupid. And the intelligence thing. Do intelligent people not have mental health problems, do they not self harm? What the hell has being intelligent got to do with anything?

There are disadvantages also.

The embarrassment.

I am so embarrassed by the things I have done. I hate being the way that I am. If someone said to me can I take away the self harm that it never happened and take away all the issues and interestingness I would jump at it. Mental health is so stigmatised. You would think as a person doing what I do and what I want to do I would possibly be able to be more open about things. But not at all. I am ashamed of the way that I am and I do what I can to hide it. If other people have mental health problems I am fine with it. I am not prejudiced at all. But when it comes to myself. I feel the stigma.

This also comes in when waiting in a waiting room and you see someone you know. I have seen ex patients numerous times now. Luckily I have not been recognised but I am embarrassed by it. There is also meeting someone in a professional context after you have met them in the patient-professional. And the other way around. Like when I was 136'd and taken to local hospital, the people that were on duty were people I had worked with numerous times. It was shameful. And I know. As a person training to be professional I shouldn't probably feel this way.

Another possible disadvantage is that I know how to work the system. In that I can say the right things to avoid being hospitalised. There are buzz words I know not to say...like when you are flying you know not to say the b word. It's the same with this. My biggest fear is hospital. I'm sure if they knew what was going round in my head.. Or if they even read this there would probably be doubts about my ability to keep myself safe etc. They know that I self harm everyday. But they don't know my thoughts.

As a patient I don't feel that I have a very good relationship with the professionals. I am not very honest with them and I keep a hell of a lot of information to myself.



This is going to sound weird but, I like to think because I am also a fellow "professional" I am treated differently than I would do if I was Joe Bloggs. That they are more open with me, that they are more relaxed and they don't need to follow a strict protocol as I'm in the know and all that shebang. That is probably not the case though.

As a professional I am the patient I hate. The one who is stubborn, is set in her ways, wont listen to people, wont try certain things, and has things keep happening even though I have worked really hard putting a lot of effort in to working with her and yet she goes and messes it up and un does all my hard work.

I am an awful patient. I bet there are worse ones than me though!