Wednesday, 4 May 2011


Just had my first counselling appointment in 3 weeks. It went ok. Sam said I seem a lot calmer and more chilled out. The most I have done since she has met me. I said this is probably due to the morphine as nothing much has changed. I explained how I have come out of the hyper-ness and this was probably due to the morphine as I was dosed up with it from when I went in and it knocked me out.

I think Sam seems to think I have an alcohol problem. Yeah I fell over while pissed. OK I drank 3 bottles of wine which was very excessive. I am aware of that. But it's not very often that happens. I will occasionally get a bottle of wine at the weekend and have that to myself in front of the TV, but, it's not all the time. Or every night. Or even regularly. She said she was surprised at the fact that my parents drink a lot and I don't like being around them when they're pissed that I drink. The way she said it was as though I have a problem. I drink less than my friends do and it's not as though I only self harm when I have been drinking. Sometimes I use drink as a self harm thing but it's not a regular thing. I know I sound defensive about this and that makes it seem as though I possibly have a problem but I have actually seen someone before about my drinking. This was someone from an alcohol problem place. They said I didn't have a problem with alcohol but sometimes I used alcohol as a method of self harm.

I suppose not remembering parts of nights is a worry. But a lot of people, a lot of my friends, a lot of people my age, who binge drink it is the same thing. I did say however, I have a lot of bruises on my thighs and around my groin area from the night I broke my foot which concerns me. They look like finger print bruises and I don't know where they came from. Sam asked if someone was with me all the time. I think someone was so I don't think anyone hurt me. Also I think I would remember something like that as it's pretty big.

Sam kept describing how I was as appearing anxious and it seemed as though I was in a heightened state of anxiety. I said I wasn't feeling that anxious and I quite liked the way I was as it was productive. Other than the increased paranoia I would rather be like that than low. I explained how I was paranoid a lot of the time though and so it wasn't much change. I dunno what it is.

I told her how I had doubled up on Quetiapine as I had got dose wrong of tablet hospital had given me. I said since being in hospital I had felt better over the past week but I didn't know if this was the morphine or quetiapine. Because, really, I haven't got anything to feel better about. In fact I should be feeling like shit considering what is going off. I am so stressed out with uni work and I have got so much to do. Sam said I have extenuating circumstances though so I can get an extension. My course director obviously told her I could have those if I wanted. I don't want them for my mentalness though. I may need them for my leg as of missing days on placement and being zombied on morphine. I would rather not take them. I need to take advantage of working from home over the next 2days and get on with some uni stuff. I am worrying about it and the more I worry the more I put it off. It's typical of me. Running away from my problems.

The self harm is still pretty much the same and we discussed that. We discussed different things which could possibly lead to me self harming and why I do. I don't know why I do it. But I feel as though "I don't know" is not a good enough answer so I try and think of things to say what it could be. Sam seems to think me being able to come up with reasons is progress. I am not so sure. Me keep saying what it could be and then focusing on that, I don't think is right. If it's not that then the problem is still there and it's not going to go away. And. I don't honestly think I will stop self harming. I say I want to but, I get so much from it. I know it's not healthy. I know I shouldn't be saying that. Perhaps me saying that in it's self is enough to warrant me being in counselling and under a Psychiatrist. But, I get a lot from self harming. I don't know why I do it. I don't know what led to it. I would rather be someone who didn't need to self harm but as it is I do. As it is I don't think I want to stop. To the professionals I say I do want to stop. I just don't see it happening. I don't see not being suicidal. I don't see me ever being normal. I am always going to have this with me. The scars are always going to remind me just how good it feels as the blood trickles down my leg, as the razor slices through flesh and you can see it parting. That drug like feeling. The feeling as I find a vein with the needle and the drip drip drip. It's ecstasy. In fact it's better than that, I've done that and the feeling on that is not as good. I don't think I've admitted that to anyone before. In fact, I don't think I have admitted it to myself before. So what do I do?

What do I do? Should I be in counselling? Should I stop until the time comes when I want to stop? What if I never want to stop? Will I end up killing myself. What if I tell them I don't want to stop? Will they force me in to hospital? Is it worse that I don't want to stop? Should I just keep that to myself? Questions questions questions.

I suppose in a way writing a blog is good for me. It helps me articulate my feelings. I wonder if I would have been able to come to that conclusion without the blog. What is self harm?

What is self harm to you?


1 comment:

catherine said...

great questions about self-harming. i have also thought, at times, that i'd never stop. i also thought i'd never get over being suicidal. but i consider myself to be in recovery from both. not cured, just in recovery. the more i heal from my childhood trauma, and the more i learn what my triggers are, the more in control i feel. i think once you figure out the why, and start to heal from it, the less of a hold self harm will have on you.