Back on a Section

I was released. I was told to leave the ward last week. I've not even been off the ward a week and I'm back on a section.
Being sent out of area. I'm scared. It's a secure place. Hopefully it's temporary.

MHA Act Assessment -11th-12th August

I have been detained under S2 of MHA. I don’t have internet access but I do have my lap top so at least I can write and keep an updated blog kind of. Excuse the tenses as I am writing as I go along.


They turned up on mass. Five of them all together. Dr T, a GP who I have not seen in a while but I used to see him regularly. He knows my history and is the lead person at the surgery. The AMHP, who I found patronising, but I will get to that in a minute. Beth my CPN/CCO and Matt from Crisis team. It was horrible. They were firing questions at me from all angles. Hard questions. Questions I found hard to answer in the comfort of my own home. Asking me my intentions. What I wanted. I explained I didn’t want input anymore. I explained I felt that having input made things worse. Things had become worse since more people were involved. Again, I could not make eye contact. The pattern the rug became interesting. Very interesting. I couldn’t seem to make them see that things were being made worse for me.

They asked me to go informally. I said no. I don’t want to be in hospital. Worst nightmare comes true. I was asked to leave the room. I knew what they would be saying. Then I heard them on the phone trying to hunt down a bed. I was out the room about 20 minutes and a few of them trickled out. I am not sure why Matt from Crisis team was there or Beth. I knew what they were doing and I knew my fate. Hospital! Section 2. Up to 28days. Possibly followed by a S3, up to 6 months.

After a while they all left bar the AHMP. He didn’t seem to appreciate that I had worked in the local hospitals. And what impact that would have on me. In the end he did manage to arrange a bed in the nearest town. He managed to get someone to swap for me. It is the same hospital that I was taken to when I was detained on the S136.

I had to pack up some things at home to bring with me. I was told no sharps. Well I didn’t let them know I had already stowed my needles away. I need them. It took about 45 minutes to drive to the hospital. My mum drove and the AMHP came with us as he needed to be here to sign me in etc. We were put in a side room. Queue being stared at by others.

I was petrified. I didn’t know what to do with myself. The AMHP kept saying how well I had done to get here. I was like “yeah, I’ve done really well to be locked up under S2”. Patronising. Me; sarcastic!

They left. I was shown to my room. At least I get my own room. Basic and no lig points. I have already looked in to that. I was lying on the bed, staring at the wall. Vision became blurry. I spaced out not really sure where to. Not one with my own body. Not me.

Being here is making things worse for me. I have spent hours planning how I can self harm. How I can kill myself. The thoughts are so much stronger since I have been here. I can’t eat. I am not sure how much of that is I can’t or I won’t as a control thing. I think part of it is a control thing. It’s something I still have control of. I don’t have control over anything. I don’t choose when I take my meds. I get them forced on to me at 10pm. 8am, 12pm and 10pm. I don’t like taking the Quetiapine that early. I am on 10 minute obs. Or I was and I am now not sure. No one seems to have been in a while. I don’t want to be on obs. As soon as I come off I plan on somehow attempting again. I am also going to cut. I have what I need to cut. I also have my needles and I did blood let earlier. No checks were made on the stuff I brought in.

Last night (my first night) the nurse had a chat with me. She said it was down that I am not willing to engage. I don’t want to talk to people. I want to be on my own. I wouldn’t be planning another attempt this soon if I wasn’t here. Proof it is making me worse. I have spied the board in the office with patient’s names on. I am on the only one on obs. Also next to my name it says risk of DSH and non-engagement.

I am not going to engage. But I don’t want to be here. I need to make them see that it makes things worse for me being here. I have stayed in my room since I have been here. Only leaving to have a cigarette. They won’t let me hold on to my own cigs. They won’t let me light my own and they watch me like a hawk while I am outside. It’s a secure courtyard so it’s not as though I can go anywhere. First opportunity though I am making a run for it. I need to be away from here.

Last night I was given lorazepam which was supposed to make me feel a bit less agitated. Didn’t really work. Then I was verbally dragged out of bed to go and get stupid medication. I am going to try and store them somehow. I don’t want the medication. I don’t want anything. All day today I have been planning self harm. All I have done all day is lie on the bed listening to my iPod thinking about how I can cut. I think I am off obs now. So it will give me some more opportunity.

I don’t even get to see a Doctor until Monday. So I am def here until Monday. Ward round is once a week so if I don’t get out then, I will be in for another week. Fucking fantastic.

So yeah, I suppose I am feeling quite angry at the moment. I am also worried. Nursey last night said there are people who work here who have worked at the places I have worked before. One of my friends from when I worked at the secure unit also works here. Not on my ward but on another one which I am likely to get transferred to. I would rather it be him than anyone else though. I think I may even open up to him. I was quite close to him when we worked at the forensic unit. He looked out for me. If I had come off the ward crying for some reason or when I was attacked he was the one who came after me and got me through tough times at work.

Although there is this, I am still ashamed that I have been sectioned. Have I royally fucked up my career? There is still that part of me that wants to go on. I would say at the moment its 80-20 death-living. Not great odds really is it?

So that has been my MHA and first 24 hours in hospital under section.

I will try and write quite often as I do find it quite therapeutic.

Xxx

Sectioned

I've been placed on a section 2.

I feel so sick. Waiting to hear about beds. I am already planning how to do away while I am there.

It Is Getting Worse.

So first off what I wanted to say about my recent stay on medical wards.

You know I wrote that post in which I talked about my dream of being in hospital when I stabbed myself. I said it wasn't my hospital but it was the staff. Well turns out it was my hospital. It was the intensive care ward. The ward in which I was on over the weekend. I have never been on that ward, never visited anyone and had no idea what it was like. Until I was there and it was the same as my dream. It goes to show my dreams do show me things. Dreams have shown me things in the past but I have never had it where I have written about it and then, bam! I have been there. Kind of weird really. Does it mean my dreams can predict the future in some weird way?

Anyway, today.

So, summoned to the hospital to see Dr T and Beth. Dr T as usual was running late. So Beth sat with me in the waiting room. She was asking me loads of questions. She basically said that last week the only thing that would have stopped me from doing what I did would have been to use the MHA then. I just said nothing would stop me. She kept going over and over things. Talking about stuff that had happened that I didn't know about. A call to the police saying there was a dead body from someones mobile phone. I don't get why they didn't call an ambulance? Why the police? If you come across what you think is a dead body, unless quite obviously dead, such as being decapitated, or just some limbs, you would call an ambulance. Even if you felt for a pulse and couldn't find one, you would still call an ambulance. I find all that weird. So much so I wonder if that was actually the way in which things panned out. I mean, this team have been known to get things wrong before.

So in with Dr T. I can't make eye contact. I can't speak. All I can say is I don't want to see anyone and I won't work with anyone. Again, they asked me to go in to hospital on a voluntary basis. I said no. As I said before, I fear hospital more than I fear death.

Dr T then told me I was feeling angry at them. No, not particularly. I just want to be left alone. I feel that their input makes me worse. I said I wanted to go alone. They said they couldn't do that as they were worried and my actions had caused a lot of concern. And, my behaviour now was causing concern.

I was asked how I felt, I said I wished it had worked, what I didn't say was because I don't want to deal with what is going off now. Everyone knows. I never wanted that. I don't want anyone knowing. They asked if I was still having thoughts and I said I was but I didn't have any plans. And here they go again with getting it wrong. They said I had attempted in the past when I didn't have plans. Well, actually no! Every attempt has been planned. I didn't have the energy to attempt to argue with them. I don't have the energy to argue with them.

Dr T asked me if I thought I was unwell. I said no. I don't feel that I am. These feelings aren't any different to what I have been feeling for a long time. So I don't think I am unwell. I don't know what they think though. I couldn't look at them in the eye and I couldn't speak really. Just the occasional one word answer and the odd nod, shake and shrug. I tried to get out of my head and from what was going on. I noticed Beth's nice shoes and her purple toes, Dr T's very unfashionable black lace up shoes with a diamond kind of print socks. The carpet was blue with a small pattern in which I thought looked like a leopard print pattern, very discreet though. It smelt of paint. It smelt of a new building. Which it was. After all it's only been open less than a year.

I declined their input. Dr T said he would see me weekly, only yesterday I was told he is discharging me. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone.

Dr T asked Beth what she thought. She said I needed a Mental Health Act Assessment. She said they had a duty of care, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah!!!!! Dr T agreed and they asked me if I would wait in reception. I said I just wanted to go home. They asked me if I would agree to the assessment and I just kind of shrugged. I don't have a choice. I don't want them turning up at my door with the police and get me on a S135. It was quite late and I think Dr T wanted to see his last clients and go home. And, he wanted to get my GP involved. So they said an assessment would be arranged for tomorrow and they would come to my house. I don't know if it will be Dr T. I don't know who it will be. They are going to try and get my GP to come also, as I think he is supposed to be the doctor that knows me. I was asked to guarantee that I would keep myself safe tonight. Again, I said I didn't have plans so it was fine.

They did the whole going in to the past thing again. Wanting to know what has gone on in my life and any significant events. I said there were none. I am not sure if those things that happened are significant enough to cause this. Why does it have to be an event that causes it. Why can't it just be the way things are. I still feel it's all very Freudian. A Psychiatrist I don't have respect for as quite frankly, he was talking rubbish. I mean, how can you take someone seriously who comes up with things like the Oedipus and Alexis Complex. Really?

I was asked if I was ok to drive. They wanted to call my Mum and I said she was out. She was, she was at meetings. I said I only lived 5 minutes away and I would be fine. I got in my car. Composed myself. Then instead of turning right to go home I turned left. I wasn't really sure where I was heading. I was going to drive around my childhood haunts. Go and walk up to my wishing tree. This is a tree that when I was a kid, my friend and I used to go to and we used to believe it had magic powers to grant wishes. It was quite a cool tree and easy to climb. I went back there a few years ago. But, I had no energy. I couldn't be bothered to walk through the rain, through the park/forest what ever it's called to go find my tree. Instead, I drove to the cemetery.

When I have been really bad and at a low point I speak out loud to my Nan. Hoping that somehow, if I am doing such a wrong thing she will somehow let me know. I decided I was going to visit her and my Grandad's grave. I haven't been in about 2 years. No one tends to go. As a family we were never one for visiting people's graves, after all only the body is there and their soul has (supposedly, if you believe religion) gone to heaven. So if you wanted to talk to them you should pray. I went to the cemetery. There were no cars in the car park. Being as though it was an area in which some of the rioting at happened (it hit my city the other night with police stations being firebombed and shops in the city centre being looted), not majorly, but I didn't want some yob seeing my car all alone and think they could just nick it or set fire to it. The latter being more likely as not the type of car you steal as it's a rust bucket and takes about an hour to get from 0-60mph. I saw another car drive in to the cemetery so it's what I did.

I drove up to the grave. I got a blanket out and as I sat down, I looked around to ensure I wasn't in earshot of anyone and talked to my Nan and a little to my Grandad. He died when I was one so I never really knew him. But my Nan, well, she was second Mum. I was there about 45minutes. I apologised and asked that if there was some form of afterlife, could she some how let me know. Then I asked if it was because what I had done was against the religion she tried to bring me up as (Catholic...dragged to church every Sunday until she died when I was 15 and I have not been back since), and was that the reason why she wasn't making herself known to me?

I don't know what I believe when it comes to the whole death thing. I would like to think re-incarnation. As after all, forever after as a dead person, is a bloody long time. And I am not sure if I like that. I mean what if you marry, they die and you re marry, and they die. If there is such thing as heaven...who are you with? Think about it? It's not exactly the best thought out plans is it?

So after that I go home. I really don't want to go home. I said to my friend earlier, if I had the money I would do a runner for a while. Hop on a plane and get out of here. Disappear for a while. But, all I have is a shit load of debt and only £60 in cash. Won't get me far or last for long will it?

I think I am going to be sectioned. I won't work with them, and I don't know if they will just let me go on my merry way. I fear hospital more than I fear death. I have already started thinking about how I can do it while I am in hospital, if they make me go in. I have hidden needles in my belongings. So, hopefully, if I am searched they won't find all of them and I have some outlet still.

My career is fucked basically also.

I came home and spoke to my Mum telling her what was going to happen tomorrow. She made jokes like asking me if she should make them all a cuppa and try and butter them up. Me, I think make them a cuppa and put chloroform in it so I can do a runner. Didn't say this out loud though.

We then got talking about my Dad. She said that this whole situation had made her realise she was always being defensive about me and my brothers and she didn't like feeling like that. I agreed. He is hard work. So I came out with it and asked if they were going to break up. She said it was looking like that. She doesn't want to lead the rest of her life feeling defensive around my Dad. I just said I had seen it coming for a long time now and was surprised she lasted this long. I do worry about my Dad though. As much as I can't stand to be around him at times and I would hate for him to be here now. I don't think he could cope on his own.

I asked if she had thought about practicalities and she said she had. I asked what would happen to the house we live in now. She said she couldn't afford to run it on her own as it's a big house and the bills are large etc. So we talked about if it remained amicable would my Dad support her still in living in the house. It's a possibility. Also, there are2 very similar houses for sale on my road already. They are only on the market for about £400,000 and so is not a good time to sell as they are worth more than that. So, maybe we could stay here and my Dad would move to one of his houses that he owns. If they do split I hope it remains amicable between them.

So that's been my day. I think tomorrow I am going to end up in hospital. I am scared.

I have one friend telling me to lie, and the other telling me she thinks it may be for the best. I have only told 2 friends. I don't want anyone else knowing.

So, if I don't blog for a while. It's cos I have been put in a straight jacket and rushed off to be drugged up and kept quiet!

Summoned

I have been summoned by Dr T and Beth the CPN/CCO. I have to be there for 3pm. I am freaking out. I think they are going to spring a MHA assessment on me. I think they want me to go to the hospital.

I still have the same thoughts. I don't have a plan. I have thoughts, I have ideas but no plan.

I don't want to go. I don't like Dr T. He will probably turn round and tell me I am not suicidal, that I am not having suicidal thoughts and that they don't exist. He does tend to invalidate what I am feeling and tell me I am feeling something I am not or tell me I am not feeling something I feel I am feeling.

I am worried this is a rouse for a MHA assessment. I know I have already seen an AMHP. She was the social worker who saw me in the hospital. Can they do assessments separately over a number of days like that? He will be a S12 approved, he is the consultant Psych. So I would only need one more doc. Can they do them without you being aware that they are doing them?

Don't Know Whether or Not to Carry On?

So, another appointment with Sam. It's given me alot to think about. I have not liked the last 2 appointments at all. She is now wanting answers. I can't provide them. We talked about the first time I self harmed and why. I said it was impulsive but I was incredibly angry and it was a way of internalising that anger. But now, it's different. It's not about internalising my emotions. She asked me what is was about and I said I didn't know. And I don't.

She kept talking about this 10 minute rule thing and how I should give it ago. I don't want to. Basically the way I feel is that the letting is not an issue to me. It's something I do. Like I smoke. I don't want to give up smoking even though other people tell me I should. I know it's not good for my health but if someone told me to not smoke and I wanted to then I would just smoke. You have to want it yourself to stop. Telling a smoker to cut down or try and stop smoking when they don't want to is not going to be successful, Nor are they going to be able or want to come up with reasons why they smoke and how they should go about stopping if they don't want to stop. I used this analogy with Sam and she said she understood where I was coming from but no one was asking me to stop but to analyse what my feelings and thoughts are should I not be able to self harm. I said to her that I don't see this as a problem. Cutting I see as a problem, not letting. Letting I see as something that stops me from cutting. Should I not let, I believe that I will start cutting again. I don't want to be cutting. I am covered in enough scars!

I said I was reluctant to when I didn't see it as a problem and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to stop. What I get from it is more than anything else in my life. When I know that I am going to do it I feel excited. Even if it is a few hours later the feeling I have when I decide I am going to do it is excitement. When I do it, I feel euphoria. Putting it off is just putting off something I am excited about. So it builds until I struggle to contain it. Say for example you have an event that you are excited about, a party, your birthday, a night out. You feel a good excitement don't you? Not nerves. Then as it gets closer you get more and more excited. If that event was then put off how would you feel? But you know it's still going to happen? I dunno, I am really struggling to articulate how it makes me feel. I think I self harm because I want to. Not because I need to. I am not punishing myself, I am not releasing emotions. I am doing it because I enjoy it. Maybe possibly I have some weird curious thing about the human body. I know I am curious about just how much the human body can take. Am I my own lab rat?

If someone told you that you should stop doing something that you enjoyed doing, that wasn't causing anyone else any trouble, and you didn't want to stop doing it. And, they wanted you to look at your thoughts and feelings about why you do it. Would you be a willing person?

We also had the no one is forcing you to come here talk. She asked me why I come to therapy if self harming was something I didn't want to stop. First off I said it was useful to have someone who wasn't phased by stuff that I said and to have a sounding board to bounce off. Also she gives me quite a lot of reassurance in things. Like if I say I am feeling one way about something which I am not sure is the right way to feel, or feel bad for voicing it.

For Example I didn't want my Nanna to die just before Xmas as it would taint Xmas every year. My other Nan did die just before Xmas. However, we have a way of dealing with it. We don't take our feelings out on everyone else and we just don't really get in the Xmas mood until after her anniversary. But after the anniversary we kind of get on with it. If my Nanna my Dad's Mum died just before Xmas, Xmas would have been a miserable affair for ever more as of the way my Dad would have dealt with it. I am not close to my Dad's mum, and to be honest, she has dementia and a whole other heap of old age related illnesses. She doesn't know anyone and really is just a shell that has a heart beat. So in a way I feel that it would be kinder for her to be left to die. What kind of life is that? Anyway, all that is another topic along with religion which I wont get on to as it's messy.

Anyway, I could never have said I hope that she holds on a couple more months just so Xmas isn't ruined each year to anyone. But I did say it to Sam and she said it was normal to think like that and was not unusual that I didn't want Xmas ruined for everyone. Please don't send me loads of hate comments now.

So I explained that it was nice to have that someone I feel I can be more honest with. Someone to listen and reassure me. I go to counselling so I can speak to someone where I am normal. Does that make sense?

So we talked more about why I was there. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to address everything. Sam said it was a busy time for me and I am dealing with a lot anyway. So if I wanted I could stop going and re-visit when things have settled down. There were 2 things I brought up with this...

1) I am going to be a Social Worker. Things are never going to settle down. I am going to be in a demanding job with a lot of pressures on me. I thought that maybe it would be better now for me to address things while I am still being closely supervised. And, that when is it the right time for these things???

2) Goes back to my massive fear of hospitalisation. I feel that by going a long with what they want means that I am less likely to be made to go in to hospital or be sectioned. Me going to counselling and seeing Dr T and taking the meds shows I am engaging. Basically I know the self harm isn't going to stop any time soon. So what happens if/when I rock up at the ED. I then turn round and say "no, I am not seeing those people, I am not going to take medication, I am not going to see a Dr and I have tried counselling, have decided it's not the right time for me and to be honest I don't really like counselling". My thoughts on this are that they are going to think that they will be left with no other option than to put me in hospital.

Picture it. I am being assessed by the crisis team or by Nurseman Mike. NMM has already said it is out of hand. He contacted the duty Psych before as he thought I was heading towards admission. He contacted Crisis team and made them come see me the next day at the appointment with Dr. They ask me what I have in place at the moment and I say I had but I stopped attending and taking meds. They are going to go for section aren't they?

 No matter what people tell me about not having to go to counselling, not having to take the meds, not having to go see a Psychiatrist. I do! Yes, I could stop seeing them. But I know it's only a matter of time before I am back at the ED after cutting and being assessed again. So I feel as though I am told I have a choice in all of this. Well I don't really do I? Where is that choice?

I know I sound a bit mad here as I have been saying that I want to self harm because I enjoy it. But, even though I have just written about the negative sides or the possible repercussions of it. Yet I still want to. So maybe perhaps there is more than just wanting to and enjoying it.

Fuck. Now I am confusing myself and I am back to square minus 100. Sam keeps telling me I have come on a long way. I really don't see it. I don't see what good counselling will do for me. Maybe I am scared to stop. But of what? Failure? Not having an outlet. I think I have just gone and totally confused myself here. I need to stop thinking!!!!

Thoughts

I am pretty stable at the moment. Although in a weird way I feel unsettled about it. I don't know how long it is going to last for. I don't know how long it is before I sink in to a depressive state again. Or how long before everything speeds up and my thoughts race and I feel a bit hyper. Although I don't mind it so much when that happens. I prefer the ups. But unfortunately they don't happen that often. So basically I am waiting to sink in to the depression again.

I say I am pretty stable. But last nights self harm probably wouldn't show that. The letting was bad last night. I probably did more than I have done before. And I used a different method to get more out. I found if I sucked on the end of the needle I could get more out and it wouldn't clot. So let a lot more than I probably should have done. And since I have found a new method I wanna do it again now.

Sam told me to wait 10 minutes from when I want to self harm and then seeing if I can wait another 10 minutes. I know if I continued to do it as bad as that every night then the letting would become a problem and I would be bothered about what it was doing to me. I know I will self harm later. I have come on here to distract myself away from doing it as I prefer to do it last thing at night. It's like taking a sleeping pill.

Also, I have been thinking more and more about July/August. I am thinking it may be a good time to end it all. No one will be around. It's perfect timing. I will be on my own. I wont have anyone around me to notice I am not around as uni will have finished for summer, I will have finished placement, family all on holiday and my friends don't seem to notice when I have not been in contact. I have had thoughts about what I will be doing also. I won't go in to detail on here but the more and more I think about it the more it seems logical.

I can't cope with these ups and downs. I want to be normal. I have tried so many different pills which don't seem to work and I am so sick of it. I don't want to live my life wondering how long I will have of being stable before the next episode. Also, I am stable at the moment so I am being rational. It's not as though I am in a depressed state where I can't see a way out, or if I am having racing thoughts and I am being irrational. I have thought about this loads recently. I need to fine tune a few things and get a few things figured out, like time, place, method. But I think I am being quite rational. I am stable at the moment. I am making a thought out decision, it's not rash, it's not impulsive. A lot of thought will have gone in to it.

I don't want to talk to Sam about it. My mind is made up on this one. I wont be talked out of it. I will carry on seeing Sam in the mean time as she does offer good support around the self harm. But, I have found that I am becoming less and less honest with her. I am not able to talk about the self harm with her. Does this mean that it is a waste of time me going now. I can't be open and honest with her. I am scared to be. Especially after what happened with the course. And especially as now she is being supervised by the Clinical Psychologist who is working with Dr T. I don't want what I say getting back to him. As I have said before I am worried about being made to go in to hospital. I won't let that happen. I have a plan for if it does but I would rather not end it that way.

I just feel as though everything I am doing is a big waste of time at the moment. Why should I continue to do stuff with uni if I am not going to be around to see it through. Why am I bothering.

Why am I waiting until July/August. Why wait? I suppose I should wait. I can plan more and make it more definite. I have time to play with I should make the most out of it!

Annoying People

I think Sam was kinda pissed off with me today. The stuff I was saying, well, kind of like going backwards. I told her about the appointment with Beth and how that made me feel.

I was then telling her how I know come July when I am on my own for a month I know I am going to cut. And when I cut, it's pretty serious and usually requires stitches. She seemed pissed off with me that I said it and that I felt that way. I tried to explain how when I cut it takes time. It's my thing. Some people throw a party when their parents go away, me, I cut. I said it was kind of like a treat. Not happening very often. Some people may like a pill when they want a treat, you know, like E. Me, I cut.

She got kind of worked up by it and was saying how if I end up in hospital I may end up being sectioned as the people who assess me don't know me and it's a possibility. So I said at the time I don't think about the consequences and of all the people I have spoken to before I can get out of hospital admissions by saying what they wanna hear. She kept asking what if I couldn't. I didn't answer but I think I have done it so many times before, unless I am acutely psychotic I don't think there is much chance of that. Also, my last hospital attendance because of self harm was in January. So come July they will look at that and see that and not worry. Anyway, I am not even saying I would have to go to hospital. It's just that I plan on having a couple of nights cutting as I like to cut.

I said to her that I didn't see the self harm as a problem. OK, it's every night but it's not a problem. It's not serious. And the reason I do that is so I am not cutting. It's my stopping cutting method. She asked me to try the 10 minute rule thing. That's where you stop before you cut for 10 mins and assess how you are feeling. I said I felt it was a waste of time for me. I did it and waited 10mins, but I see the blood letting as being a normal thing. It's not a big deal. If I saw or felt effects from it I would possibly change my view point. But, I don't. It's not like I am gauging big holes in myself that need hospital treatment, it's not as though I am risking losing my leg, or getting infection. So why should I stop? I don't want to stop.

So what now? Do I stop with counselling, do I stop with Dr T? If I stop and say I don't want any more input would that mean I end up in the hospital? I want to be left alone. I don't want to do any of this and the only reason I do so is because I scared of what will happen if I don't. The meds help me sleep. So I would quite like to stay on them. Also, since I have been on them weirdly I have lost weight. So it's one good side effect of Quetiapine.

But what do I do now?

Paranoia....

I keep getting paranoid thoughts all the time. An example is I was sitting outside last night having a cig and I had this thought that I was being watched with cameras. My rationalisation on that one....actually GP you are being watched. Your parents have CCTV. So yup, some truth in that one! LOL. Joking aside though it is things like that. I have thoughts that there are cameras watching me. Watching me just to see how insane I am and gathering evidence. Most of it all comes back to the fear of being sectioned and having to go in to hospital.

My main one yesterday, even though Dr T kept saying he wasn't going to section me (I did say quite rudely...well I know that you can't on your own but...) only a couple of hours previous, when I had an appointment with a researcher and he was asking me questions I thought it was all a ploy.

I will go in to this one a bit more. When I was in hospital recently with my ankle/foot I was asked if I would partake in a research study into the impact of injuries and how it affects your life. I know how hard it can be getting participants so I agreed. So he arranged to come and see me yesterday and was asking lots and lots of questions. He asked loads about my mental health before the accident and it made me so uncomfortable. I lied quite a bit about it but was honest in some parts. I didn't want his impression of me to be craaaaaazy woman! He was a young guy and I found it really hard talking about it to him as I had never met him and I was in my own home. I don't do talking about it in my own home. Also it didn't help that all the while he was asking the questions I was thinking this is just a thing from the Psychiatry side to test me again. They want to know if I am being honest with them and are testing me to see how I answer questions about my mood etc. I was so paranoid about it. I was so glad when he left and felt massive relief. But part of me feels that he is going to feed back on my answers to the Psych team.

Mad, I know.

I have paranoia that I am being followed and watched. That people I don't know are constantly assessing me. I feel that people are paid to do this and they will all report back on what I am doing and how I seem to be behaving.

I was outside at work today having a cigarette. An ambulance on blue lights pulls up along side me. Stops. Moves forward a little. Stops and reverses to where I am. Can you imagine my thoughts on that one. I think I recognised one of the paramedics also. He looked at me a bit weird as though he recognised me. They got out really slowly and I was just stood there in total panic about what was going to happen. As it happened they went in to the brothel/drug den across the road from me.

I know these are paranoid thoughts. I can try and rationalise with myself that really the NHS does not have money to spend to employ someone to follow people. And it violates one of the Human Rights of The Right to a Private Family Life. And I try and look at it from a professional view. Never have I heard of that being done. They have so many other patients that really that many resources on me...it aint gonna happen! But there is still that massive seed of doubt. There's the keeping in check of my behaviour, so like not just lying on the floor for the hell of it which sometimes I like to do, just in case there are cameras in my room.

I don't know if it's getting worse. I don't think they are. But what does worry me is how they are all pulled back to one thing and that is being in hospital. I am that scared of it that these paranoid thoughts are appearing.

I will just have to get on with it though.

On another note, I have a date for the operation. June 2nd. That's to get the needle out my arm. Although I have to go to a pre-op thing a week before. The surgeon really didn't want to do it and was trying to pursuade me otherwise. So I think they will turn round in this pre-op thing and say while your BMI is not between 20-25 we will not do it as you have elected to have it done. So watch this space on that one. I think that will be my accidental death if they do decide to go ahead. Perhaps if I eat when I am not supposed to then it will result in my aspirating...yay! But as I said, I don't think they will do it. If it is something as simple as BMI I will be pissed off as surely he could have said there and then that he didn't think it would be appropriate as my BMI is outside normal range.

Who knows.

I have been put on 300mg of Quetiapine now. Dr T said he will write to my GP to get the prescription. He said I can take it in one dose and go from 100 to 300mg straight off. Well, I am not so sure. I know when I first started taking it it took me a few days to adjust. So I have decided I am upping it slowly. I took 200mg tonight. I hope it will make me sleep. I feel like I could now so I am going to try.

Wish me luck.

xxx

Happy 100.

I've made it to 100 posts. I didn't actually think I would and to be honest I am not sure if I will make it to 200.

I started this blog as a diary. I have re read most of my posts recently and have found that where some things have changed, over all, I still feel the same.

I am still a bit all over the place at the moment and it has been like it for over a week now. I think to try and get my thoughts to slow down and for me to slow down I am going to have to ask my GP for drugs. I don't know if he will be able to give me anything. But it's worth trying. I have been on full speed now for over a week. I am struggling to concentrate on anything. I am trying to read other people's blogs and I can't. I seem to be going a million miles an hour.

The suicidal thoughts are still there. In one way it is better being like this as they come in and go very quickly as another thought will soon pop in and take over. It's hard work though. The way I have seen someone else describe it describes it perfectly for me.

 Imagine you are in John Lewis on the 3rd floor in the TV and Audio department. You have about 100 different TVs and also 100 different CD/Audio players. Each one is playing a different thing. I am managing to hear each one at the same time. Each sound is crisp and clear.

When it is not like this the suicidal thoughts come and stay and is all I can concentrate on. Now I have so much going through that I don't have control.

I don't know what is going off in my head but it scares me.

I went a bit mad on the shopping over the weekend. I don't plan on taking any of it back and I plan on going to out of town Matalan tomorrow to get some tops. I am near by in the afternoon so I may as well right?

I've got quite a busy week this week. I am actually going to a psychiatric hospital tomorrow for work/placement. I am quite worried. In my stupid paranoid head I think everyone is in on the game and by people saying can I go as my views and experience will help it's really all just a ploy to get me to the hospital.

Yeh. I am mad!

I am trying to rationalise it all saying that if they are going to section me then they will just turn up with the police, restrain me and drag me there. Why would they go to all that effort? But. I can't help but still think these things and worry about them. So what can I do?

It gets harder and harder to rationalise with myself. I know I need to. I know I need to keep talking to myself to tell myself that is not how it works. I need to tell myself that I am not being followed, there are not hidden cameras in my house/car/room. The whole idea of it is preposterous. I mean I have worked in psych hospitals. I know they can't do that. But why the hell am I so paranoid about it? Why when I rationalise or try to there is still seeds of doubt that is going on. Also. If I am so paranoid...why is my blog a safe place where I can say what I want? A blog I have given electronic extracts to Sam of (and if you copy and paste it it comes up with the blog in it's full detail....yeh I didn't think that one out), a blog about 6 people other than me reads. Why can I still do that. Surly this would say a lot more than following me around. Yet why am I not paranoid about this? I am weird!

And yet. I can't say any of these thoughts to anyone as I am so scared about being sectioned.

Maybe I put too much trust in to my online diary and I should stop putting so much of myself in to it.

Maybe I will re-consider this whole thing. Yet rational me thinks who the hell is going to want to read about my shit.

Grrrrr.

Don't Know What To Do.

So I've got a choice to make and I am not sure which way to go.

I have to choose which route in Social Work I am going to take; adults or children's?

When I first went in to Social Work I said there was no way that I was going to work with kids. I went in to it to do adult mental health and eventually do my AMHP training. However, while I still want to do my AMHP's training, after doing the law around children's I have found it a lot more interesting than I thought I would and I am starting to consider children's. I have never worked with kids in a social care setting. I don't have experience and I am expected to make a decision when I don't even know what it is like.What if I do my children's placement and decide, actually I do really like this, and it's too late?

I wanted to do adult mental health as of my own experiences in the system. It was a social worker who I had who was amazing back in 2007 that made me think about a career in the area. At the time I was doing a psychology degree and didn't really know where to take it. I was working in a bank as an account manager and I hated it. Working with him made me think, I could do this, I would enjoy this. I had thought about going down the psychology route but I was never going to have the money to do that. So I decided to get a job in a forensic female PD unit. I used that time to decide whether or not I wanted to go down the nursing route or social work. I did enjoy my job at first (I have written about it in a previous blog, and there is more I want to add about it which I will at the end of this), but I soon realised it was not the nurses who had a say in patient care, they just followed directions from the social workers and the rest of the MDT. I wanted to be one of the ones who had input in to patient care and one of the ones who can make decisions, not just follow someone Else's.

So yeah, I suppose I have a passion for adult mental health. Because of my own experiences and also because I know it already. I don't know other areas. It's the only area within adults that I could see myself doing. I don't really know what other areas there are and what you would do. Where as with children's I know of a few different areas and think I would find them all interesting. I don't want to risk choosing a pathway and not enjoying it as I am not doing what I want to be doing.

But then if I choose the children's route how likely is is I can work in adult mental health. It's a generic course that I am doing and choosing one doesn't mean I work in that for the rest of my life. I can change. But I know most people are offered a job off the back of their first placement. I don't want to put myself in a position where I am offered a job I don't want to take.

Also jobs; with all the cuts that are being made there is not that many jobs in adult services. I know more people choose the children's route and there are more jobs but I wonder if it's proportional?

I also wonder if it's possible to choose children's mental health and get my AMHP's that way. But there is even less of a need for children's mental health than adults.

I have been told by course director to follow my heart. My heart says adult mental health but my head says children's. I think there is a bigger possibility of finding work at the end of the course from children's but then do I want to be doing something that is not my interest. It's such a narrow area of adult's that I want to go in to also that there is no guarantee that I will be given a mental health placement for my 5 month placement. I really don't know which way to go. I keep weighing them up but they are about equal. So is it follow my head or follow my heart?

Going back to working in the forensic mental health unit.

Someone anonymously left a comment on that post basically saying by being a person who worked in a unit as such I was contravening human rights and I did provoke that patient in to attacking me. Well, they are wrong.

These patients (not inmates as the person put) had been sectioned under 3 or 37 and 37/41. These are people who would either be a big risk to other people in the community (they were in to things like arson, violent crimes etc) and they were massive risks to themselves. My self harm looks mild in comparison (and I am told mine will warrant hospitalisation if it carries on as it is severe). I won't say the things they did as it could trigger and give people ideas. Anyway, when someone was self harming themselves in a risky way (eg, ligating, cutting, biting chunks out of themselves etc) we would have no choice but to restrain if talking to them didn't work. Sometimes you didn't have the option but to restrain to go in and get what ever it was from around their necks or to stop them causing serious damage. None of the staff enjoyed restraining. It was a horrible experience but if you were going to get hit if you let go, you restrained. Why should be leave ourselves open to being hit by someone. No one deserves to go to work and expect to be attacked by patients. Yes, it is a risk, but it is something that should not happen.

Yes, sometimes people are not given privacy or others but even in the Human Rights Act 1998 can can clearly see that this can be contravened...

Article 8: Right to privacy

(1) Everyone has the right for his private and family life, his home and his correspondence.

(2) There shall be no interference by a public authority with the exercise of this right except such as is in accordance with the law and is necessary in a democratic society in the interests of national security, public safety or the economic well-being of the country, for the prevention of disorder or crime, for the protection of health or morals, or for the protection of the rights and freedoms of others.

So as you can see no human rights are taken away from them on that one. We are not living in the days of asylums now. Anything that is done to the patients, i.e restraint, or being IM'd etc is done so in accordance with the law and so that human rights are not contravened.

I take it you have experience as being a patient in a mental health setting and it seems as though your experience was not a good one and you are bitter about it. However, just because I have restrained someone so that they can't hurt themselves or another person does not count as provoking someone. In fact I don't think I had ever been involved in a full on restraint with this person.

She attacked me as she could not get what she wanted straight away. I was on high obs on someone else and it was because there were not enough staff on the ward. As awful as it sounds there were actually patients who made it so they were on high obs. When they were on high obs they had a member of staff with them at all times. They could get something from their room, they could be let in to laundry to go and check on their clothes. They didn't have to wait. So they would intentionally do something to land them on high obs. I was actually told this by one of the patients. She didn't feel it was fair that the people on high obs were able to get drinks etc when they wanted as they had staff with them. And she was right. Why should she have to wait when other people didn't. It was one of the things I brought up with my Charge Nurse about staffing before she shot me down about it.

So, that's my take on it.

Any advice on what to do in regards to pathways will be much appreciated....

xxxx

Being Sane (ok maybe not) in Insane Places.

For the Psychology lot out there they will get the title of this as it's quite a famous study in the psychology world carried out on how people who are "normal" can come across as a bit mad when placed in Psychiatric hospitals. I love this study...

"It is clear that we cannot distinguish the sane from the insane in psychiatric hospitals. The hospital itself imposes a special environment in which the meanings of behavior can easily be misunderstood. The consequences to patients hospitalized in such an environment—the powerlessness, depersonalization, segregation, mortification, and self-labeling—seem undoubtedly countertherapeutic."

It is a very old study. In terms of Psychology it is anyway. It was back when it was asylums. 

Any way, this post isn't about that. Well it is in a way but it's not....

"My time working in a medium secure forensic female PD unit ".

That's the schnizzle!

I worked on the wards for about a year and a half. It's 2.5 years ago since I started at the place from hell. It was my first experience of mental health in terms of working in it and thought all psychiatric wards were like this.

The place I worked was a medium secure unit. It was very very strict about what was and wasn't allowed on the ward. I worked on the female acute admissions ward. It had between 12-16 patients who were either section 3 (high risk) or 37 and 37/41. To have the ward run well we needed about 12 staff on shift at a time. This is because we would usually have patients on 2:1 arms length obs and 1:1 obs. We would need a member of staff on security, this is the person who held the keys for things like kitchen, laundry, store room, security draw to give out pens etc. This person would be in charge of counting out cutlery and plates and bowls etc at meal times. No real cutlery was used, it was plastic kids type that couldn't be broken. Plastic plates, plastic cups, plastic everything! We weren't even allowed pens on the ward and they had to be signed in and out. So the patients, not their real names obviously...

Kay - I will never forget Kay. The whole time I was there she was mostly on 2:1 arms length obs. There were occasions where she was reduced to 1:1 AL and even line of sight but that soon went tits up. I spent hours and hours with her. Some days she would be great, be in a good mood and we would take the piss out of each other and you could have a laugh with her. Other days she would be incredibly vile and repulsive and you wouldn't want to be any where near her but you had to be because you were on her obs. So we just used to sit there either ignoring her as she called us all the names under the sun, or be restraining her. Kay had been sexually abused from a very young age and has been in psychiatric care for the past 13 years, half of her life.

She was a prolific self harmer. She would use anything. She had a habit of inserting things downstairs. She even put a mouse up her bajingo. I don't quite get why. Personally I think she must have been psychotic or something to put a live thing up there. Makes me squirm thinking about it. She was regularly in hospital as she has inserted that much in to her urethra that it had caused damage and she had to have operations. I will always remember Kay when I think about people who I have worked with. I loved her and I hated her. I had a lot of time for her as she had a wicked sense of humour and we got on when she was ok. When she wasn't she hated me and I hated her. I even forgave her after she made me have an A+E trip as she spat bloody spit at me while I was restraining and it went in my eye, in my mouth and up my nose.

There was Jayne and I hate to say it was a typical BPD. I know PD's have a bad name in services but this is the kind of one who would give people with PD a bad name.

Jayne nearly died. Due to a staff members incompetence. I will come on to the staff member in a bit. Jayne annoyed me, she annoyed a lot of the other staff and the patients. She was one of those who would say she wants something and her behaviour shows the opposite. I had spent hours with her talking about her family and how she wanted to live with them again and then she would do something which would mean we were back to minus square 1. Maybe it's me. Maybe I get annoyed with PD's. I don't know. I think it was just her as I have worked with loads of people who are PD and have never felt as annoyed with them as I did with Jayne. An example was how she expected everyone to run round after her. She was in hospital as of an act of self harm which shouldn't have happened as of this negligent member of staff. And she was making demands that staff brought her in food from Macca's

I will go on to that member of staff now as she sort of ties in to experiences.

Eileen. I could not stand her. I think she thought she was there to be the patients best friend. I am of the kind of staff that I do not share too much personal info, I keep things to my self. I keep personal boundaries. The reason being, because the patients would often turn it on you and could say some really horrible things back. And I knew a lot of staff didn't want physical contact with patients. In an environment where accusations from patients about staff were always being made I had the point of view that no touch unless necessary like in restraint. That way people couldn't make accusations about me. Eileen, didn't seem to go by this code. She would walk on to the ward, hug patients and be over familiar. I had concerns about her from the start and i just didn't like her. I felt she was responsible for Jayne self harming as she hadn't been watching properly and was sat there reading a news paper while arts and crafts were going on. These patients would do anything to self harm and if you are in a room with things that can potentially harm you then you watch. You don't read your newspaper. That's what breaks are for!

The way she was with the patients in that she was over familiar with them led to the patients thinking they were ok to do the same to me. Once I had a patient grope me and talk about how big my boobs were. I explained to her that I didn't appreciate her comments or that she groped me as it had pushed boundaries and that if I did the same to her it would be classed as sexual assault so could she not do it to me again. So what does she do! Yup. Carries on doing it and making really inappropriate comments. I am quite pissed off and I go in to the glass part of the office (it was like a figure 8. One part with glass walls so you could see on to the ward and the other that was private).

Eileen was in there and I asked her if she could be more aware of how she was with patients as they were thinking it was ok to be over familiar with me and other staff and I didn't appreciate it. Well she blew up at me. In front of all the patients. Baring in mind we were in the glass bit where if you speak loudly most things can be heard. She started screaming at me. I went in to the back office where my deputy charge nurse was sitting to diffuse the situation and she followed me in there and started screaming at me in front of the DCN. She wouldn't let me explain or anything. Just started laying in to me saying I had an attitude problem etc etc. I kept really calm and didn't raise my voice. She ended up storming off the ward and I was left to explain to the DCN what had happened.

This patient who was in love with Eileen had been listening and had heard everything. She saw that Eileen was "upset" and then had it in for me. She was a big girl. I mean about 6'5 and about 19 stone. She starts kicking the door trying to come for me shouting and screaming that she was gonna kill me. Anyway, after about 30 minutes it seemed to have calmed down and she was sitting watching TV. Another patient had asked if I could unlock her room. Usually we were supposed to have 2 members of staff going down corridors etc. The only person around was guy on security and he was counting everything in. I asked him to line of sight me go down this corridor and he did. I had opened this other patients door and was walking up and suddenly this other patient appeared in front of me. Blocking my way. No where to run.

She started having a go at me and got all up in my face and in a stupid act I told her to shut up and move out my way as was none of her concern. Luckily then, all the night staff were coming on to the ward. They saw security run out the office and all the staff ran at this patient getting her out of my way. They timed it perfectly. I think a few more seconds and I could have been toast. Re reading that it may look as though un-necessary force was used there but, when a patient has been known to be violent to staff in the past and I was cornered and a lot smaller than her. It was reasonable as there was a reasonable expectation that something could have happened.

I went in to the office and just burst in to tears. Proper sobbing. Embarrassing sobbing. I am not a cryer. I don't do crying. I don't do emotions that show, so if I am stressed I still appear calm as a llama, or what ever. It was even brought up in my appraisal that my lack of emotions made people think that I didn't care. Far from it. I just wasn't going to get in a flap and stress when other people were as didn't feel was the right environment to show stress in.

The thing that really rocked the boat for me was Eileen telling this patient that when the patient was transferred to another unit she would spray some of her perfume on to one of her sweat bands so she could take it with her and be reminded of her. I had already raised my concerns about this member of staff on a number of occasions. And this was just the final straw. I didn't know what to do. Luckily another member of staff had also heard that this was going to happen and reported it to a senior. I was just asked to clarify if that's what I had heard and I said yeh.

I just really did not like this member of staff. She was on the same team as me so we used to work mostly the same shifts unless one of us was on nights and the other on days. We used to have a rota for the shift so I always used to make sure I was the one who did it and so I wouldn't be stuck on obs with her.

At first I really enjoyed my job there. There was brilliant staff but after about 3 months they seemed to move all the best staff over to the male ward that was just opening and the new staff they were taking on were useless. So I used to feel responsible. Having only been there 3 months there were days where I was the most experienced member of staff on the ward and I had never done any work like this before.

They also cut down the number of staff. Meaning we would spend a 13 hour shift mainly on high obs or restraining as because of the lack of staff other patients weren't having their needs met and then kicking off when they couldn't have their needs met so they would have to be restrained. Which made things worse as you would need 4-6 people from a restraint so this would make the ward even more unsettled. At one point they removed all furniture from the communal area as people were throwing it when kicking off. So they turned it in to very low stimulus. Also patients weren't allowed in their rooms during the day so it meant that they were just lying around doing nothing and nothing could be done as there wasn't enough staff. It was a vicious circle.

I ended up making a complaint to the Charge Nurse saying I didn't feel safe on the ward and I was worried as I didn't feel there were enough staff to run the ward well. She basically turned it round and had a go at me saying that if I worked for the NHS they run on only 4-5 staff per ward of 20 patients so I should think myself lucky we weren't like that. So I left it. I thought if the NHS can manage we are lucky. And I thought all Psych wards were like that one. But 2 weeks later I was attacked by a patient. She punched me really hard in my head. It caused a concussion and meant I had to go to hospital as I was being sick. I ended up having a CT scan. I was quite ill for a couple of weeks and ended up having a couple of weeks off sick as I was still getting dizzyness etc as of the head injury. The day I went back to work was the day I handed in my notice. I was used to getting assaulted. All the time while restraining I was being kicked at or punched. But it was never aimed personally at me. This attack was. It was unprovoked and it really knocked my confidence. Also after telling the Charge Nurse about how I felt and nothing was done I felt really let down by the company. This same patient attacked 2 other members of staff and nothing was done. By another patient a member of staff was injured that badly an ambulance had to come on to the ward and take her off the ward. All because they didn't have enough staff and the ones they did hire were useless.

I did go to work for the NHS. And I loved it. It was not what I expected at all. Much better than private company I worked for. Yeah they did only have 4-5 staff on a ward but it was all you needed. All psych hospitals were not like the one I first worked in. The NHS were amazing and I actually felt like they cared about their staff. They looked after you. Forced breaks on you. At the private place I could work a 12-13 hour shift and only get a 10 min break.

So that's in a way where my title about being sane in insane places. As, sometimes I had to worry more about the staff than the patients.

There are lots more stories about that place I worked in. It was hell on earth. Out of all the staff that were taken on at the same time as me I was the only permanent one left after 3 months! Goes to show what kind of place it was.

I would like to go back there. I want to see how some of the patients are getting on. I have heard on the grapevine that some have left. I know Kay has left. I will always remember her. I will always look back and compare people to Kay. She is the first one that has left an imprint on me.

Thinking

I have tried to be honest about how I feel and what is going on for me but it seems as though that makes things worse. So I don't know why I bothered trying in the first place.


I want to do this course. I want to do well. Yet the thoughts of suicide are a constant. Surly it's not normal to fantasise about taking your own life and picturing your own death. Playing it out in your head over and over and over. I live for my work. When I am at work/placement I have control. It doesn't affect it. I can't say it's not that the thoughts don't occur, they do. But I can control them more. I can ensure they don't have any impact on what I do. The day that they do is the day I hang up the boots. What makes me happy is helping other people. Putting other people first and making them happy. Or helping them to help themselves.

I am good at what I do. I get results and no one is negatively effected. I did a great job of something on Friday. Something I have been trying to do for this client since the day I met her. I have had so many obstacles and have had to jump through hoops just to do this thing but it paid off and I got her what she wanted and what she needed. I felt really good about it and so I should.

Why, when I want to do this so much, am I still fantasising about my own death. Why am I even planning it still? Why do I spend hours online looking up methods. I think I even have a plan now should the worst happen in all of this.

Why am I secreting blades in places, just in case.

I have this awful feeling I am going to end up in hospital and I have started preparing for it. I have hidden blades in places I know wouldn't get searched. Like under my battery in my phone.If it was recommended that I go rather than being sectioned I would agree to it and go as an informal patient. Of course I don't want to go but informal patients have so many more rights than those who are sectioned. And if I was informal which I would have to agree to as if sectioned then it's on your records and will come up in searches. And if you are informal they can't force your medication, and you can leave the ward when you want. So I have made the decision if they turned round to me and said you need to be in hospital etc etc etc I suppose I would have to agree so it didn't go down the sectioning route.

The two people in me are getting further and further apart. It's strong that I want to do this course and succeed. But it's strong that I am now even thinking that I don't care if looks like a suicide. And I have a plan should I be made to go in to hospital which I know would work.

This whole thing is sending me mad. It's making me have really delusional, paranoid thoughts. It's making my thoughts go at over a million miles an hour, I am restless, I don't know what to do.

How can I ask for benzo's from the GP on Tuesday when I want a fit note from him. Before all this stuff kicked off I was asked to make an appointment with him. I can speak to him about all of this on Tuesday. I may say I have had a problem with my sleep and can I have some sleepers. I wont mention my head and what is going through it.

I have emailed Sam today asking if we still have an appointment on Wednesday. I want to show her I am infact stable and can rationalise. I know I can. I understand why she feels why she is doing what she is doing. But if I then and go and cut off contact and run away from it all I think it shows I am not stable and not rational. So while my instincts are to run away and just ignore the problem I have rationalised that it is not the best thing to do and I need to keep seeing her.

Part of me feels that I have been assessed by Nurseman Mike, and others in his dept, I have a psychiatrist and was assessed by a full team when I was 136'd and not one of them said I should be taking a break and they thought it was beneficial to me to carry on with the course. Surly if they thought I was at risk they wouldn't be saying that?

Ok. I am probably not in the most stable of places at the moment but that is because I am under threat. I am not sure where things are going and I have been thrown in to turmoil. I think I am actually coping with it rather well. There would have been a time in the past where I would have just gone fuck you all then and then gone on a drinking, od'ing, cutting and attempt bender. I am trying to hard to fight those irrational thoughts that are telling me well, who cares what you do. You wont succeed so you may as well throw in the towel and do what you want to do. Go on. Take that blade. Take those pills. Go on go mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know for a while I have to keep my feelings to myself. Well to here and not discussed with anyone in a professional capacity. I know now if I am honest then the fall out from that is worse than keeping them to myself. I said the other day that the 136 was a wake up call for me. I suppose in a way it was. I wont be going jumping of bridges. Well I wouldn't anyway as I haven't got the courage for that. What I have learnt from that is not to drink to excess. If I start to feel those thoughts coming on if I have had a drink to distract myself some how. I know now I wont be able to talk about my feelings with Sam. Not if I am going to be continuing on the course.

I have managed before. I have managed for the last 26 years like that so I will just have to carry on doing it.

Section 136

Crap. Things have really gotten out of hand.

Last night I was arrested and placed under Section 136 of mental health act. Basically the police arrest people being a bit mental in public places. I'll start from the beginning.

I went out last night and got wasted. On the way home I was feeling rather suicidal and thought that the idea of jumping off a bridge was a good idea. I remember standing on the ledge and then sitting on the ground. I don't know who turned up first whether it was police or ambulance. I said I wasn't going anywhere but the made me get on the ambulance. They said I had to go to the ED to be assessed by crisis team. I was not happy but the police said I would be arrested and taken to 136 suite if I didn't go. So didn't leave me with much choice. I didn't realise the police were following in their car and I tried to get off ambulance while we were moving. I get to the ED and I don't want to go in. The paramedics were really nice to me saying I needed to speak to someone. I was panicking as I didn't want to wait in waiting room around other people so I was reluctant to go sign my self in at the desk. In the end I gave the paramedic my details and he did it for me. I was pacing around a bit as I was anxious. I was drunk but the reality of what was happening was setting in.They wouldn't let me go to the toilet which just pissed me off. The police were with me now. There was 3 of them. I made an attempt to go to the loo and they grabbed on to me and put my arm up my back restraining me and hurting me.

They transferred me to a cubicle and the police were in there with me. In my drunken state I thought I would be able to leave and they restrained me again...painfully. They finally let me go to the toilet but the police woman wouldn't close the door. So I had to pee and people could hear me. To be fair I have a history of locking my self in the toilet and self harming so that I could understand. Bitch nurse was on. She had a go at me asking what had happened, why I was back again, why I was messing up my own life and having a go about resources. OK, I was drunk and not exactly cooperative but there was no need for that. She doesn't know me, she doesn't know anything about me. She always calls me by the wrong name, it's similar but wrong and it drives me mad. She's dog ugly also and I really don't like her. She's a horrible, un-compassionate person.

Anyway, after a while the police changed over and they said I could go out for a cigarette. I was escorted out by the 2 of them and I was pacing around. I got all panicky again and said I didn't want to go back in and see crisis. That I wasn't a threat to myself as all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed. Next thing I know I am being handcuffed behind my back, painfully and restrained again. They then tell me I am being arrested under 136 MHA. I then said I would be willing to go back in to the ED. I was willing to see crisis team and basically begged them not to take me on 136. I tried arguing with them but they said I had had my chance. They had been with me a couple of hours already and I was resisting all the time. I told them they couldn't arrest me if I was willing to attend the ED as 136 is for people who are not willing. I was sat in the back of the car with my legs out. I refused to get in saying they had wrongfully arrested me as I was willing. I am not sure when it comes to absconding risk of they can arrest you even if you say you are willing. I need to look in to it more on that one. Not that I will be able to do anything now about it but still.

My problem with the 136 is that I have worked on the wards at that hospital and on 136 suite. I know a lot of the staff. So I was really panicking now. They wouldn't loosen the hand cuffs or bring them round to my front. I told them it was really hurting me but they couldn't care less. I can't see why they needed to be round my back as I was not being violent. Just argumentative and stupid really. The woman police officer was horrible. She was a nasty bitch also and had no understanding or compassion in regards to why I was feeling like I was. She had no interest at all. Was rude to me and even when I was polite to her she was arrogant and off.

So I was taken in to the suite in my local hospital. I knew the nurse on and the HCA. It was mortifying. Especially as I was in cuffs. I didn't want to be in the communal area at all and they let me into the room. I went to the loo and just collapsed in to the bathroom corner crying. The nurse came in and spoke to me. I said I would rather be in the cells at the local police station than there and asked if that was a possibility. The police man who was nice came in and explained that I had been removed from a public place to a place of safety and now I was in it they couldn't transfer me. I spoke to the nurse again and she knew who I was and explained that I couldn't be sent back down to the ED to see crisis team and they couldn't come there to assess me as now I had been arrested on a 136 (or detained as I hadn't actually committed a crime) I needed to have a full MHA assessment. I knew there was no way that I was going to be going home after a while. Having worked in that suite I know how long it takes for them to arrange doctors and social workers. You need to have three people present to do the MHA assessment and I had feelings that I would be there all day and more people would know about it. Especially as the nurse due on Sunday morning was one that I knew reasonably well.

She gave me the option of being transferred to another city to use their 136 suite. I only know one member of staff who works in that hospital so I thought my chances would be better going there. I was worrying about how much it would cost for me to get home and the nurse said if that was worrying me they would pay for it.

The police tried to talk me out of going saying it was not a nice place and that I wouldn't get a bed there like in my own hospital. I said I didn't care as no one would know me and they would at local hospital where I work. The police said I would have to wait a while as they were going to transfer me in the back of the van in the cage. I pleaded with them and said I hadn't been violent to them so why were they making me go in the cage. I felt like I was being punished and that I was a criminal. About 40minutes later we reached the other hospital. It was so cramped in the cage I practically flew out as soon as they opened the doors. I was met by another nurse and him and the police took me to their suite. It was a tiny place. Luckily they don't make you stay in the tiny room. It would be like a seclusion room. There was no window in there and it felt really claustrophobic. The nurse was lovely. He was really caring and asked me lots of questions and took an interest in me.He let me sit in the office area also. I think patients are allowed to use that area. But I wasn't exactly a risk to anyone. He even let me go out for a cigarette. It's technically not allowed on a 136 but he took me out with another member of staff. I was hardly going to out run two blokes who can restrain to get me back on to the ward/room.

Another nurse took over the shift. He was also really nice. He spent ages talking to me and asking me about everything what had led up to it. I told him quite a bit but I kept quite a bit hidden. I knew he was assessing me so I told him I have problems being honest when it comes to things like this as I don't want to end up in hospital. I told him why I thought I did what I did last night and how I was feeling. I talked a little about having a constant fight and how draining it was for me to do this and keep up an act to everyone else as I don't want people seeing me as vulnerable or weak. I also told him that even if I was making suicide plans that I wouldn't tell him as would stop me going ahead with it. I did tell him it was something I thought about a lot and ways in which I have considered but have not come to a definite plan of action.

So. being assessed my 2 doctors and a social worker. So in total there were 3 blokes a woman and me. I actually prefer men when it comes to things like this. I don't know why but I feel more at ease. It was the woman who was asking most the questions though. I was being really careful in what I was saying. I was conscious they were there to look whether or not to detain me. I had to be careful as I didn't really want to mention what I had told the nurse but at the same time I couldn't lie if I were asked a question about it.

They basically wanted to know what has been going on on to lead up to this event where I was considering jumping off a bridge. I was honest and said that I thought it was a mixture of impulsivity, what I have been saying to Sam in the last weeks and general stupidness. They asked me what I wanted. So I explained about wanting to go home but I wanted support in place. I explained how going in to hospital would be the end of my career and life as I would just give up and I would lose control. I said I was scared and I didn't really know what to do though.

They went away to deliberate on me. It was awful. And when they came back in it seemed an age before she got to the bit where she said they were happy to release me off the section.

It really scared me. The staff at other city hospital were fantastic. I said to the band 6 who was with me this morning that as nice as he was I wish I hadn't met him. Or if it was it was through different circumstances. He was really helpful with giving me reassurance in regards to the MHA assessment and I felt like he was taking my side. He said he didn't believe I should be in hospital as feels it would make things worse. So he was with me on that. He said also that he hoped to see me again but through work not my problems.

I feel so stupid, so humiliated, so let down with myself that I let things get to that stage.

So after 7 hours on other city 136 suite I was allowed to go. They even paid for my taxi home which would have cost me about 40quid.

I need to not binge drink like that. I am certain that alcohol led to my appalling behaviour and actions last night.

A Weekend From Hell.

Things got bad. Really bad. Thursday night I took an overdose of nefopam and some drowsy anti-histamines. I also cut really badly. I also drank far too much alcohol having a whole bottle of Ameretto, and two bottles of wine. Somehow I ended up coming round the next morning at about 11am on the floor in the office. Locked in. Didn't have my phone on me to call anyone. Luckily there was the internet and I had to call a lock smith who came and climbed through the office window and then cracked the lock letting me be free. That cost me £70! Of course I also woke up not dead, but in a way I was glad as I planned to go out when the time came so wouldn't be my parents who found me. So I then fell asleep on the couch totally missing my appointment with Sam. I woke up and remembered the cut on my leg was horrendous. There was two of them and knew they needed stitching.



So come 5pm I take a trip to the hospital. I tell them at the hospital that I cut that day at about 2 pm as I knew they wouldn't close them if they knew if they were from the night before. I wasn't drunk when I cut. I was when I took the pills. I planned on taking the pills. I planned for a while but I drank also. I don't know if was for dutch courage or what. So I was taken straight in to a cubicle which was nice of them and the nurse was lovely. She is the nicest I have seen before. I was asked if I wanted to speak to anyone from psych medicine dept and I said if they wanted me to they would. So trousers off and on a bed so they can stitch. I was given a local anaesthetic but also gas and air as it wasn't working enough. I have decided when I have kids that there is no way I am doing it with gas and air. It doesn't bloody work! Give me all the drugs you can. So one cut was stitched up and then they had to get the consultant in for the big one. While I was waiting for the consultant, Mike (who is the nurse man I have seen before) comes in. He says he knows I have an appointment with the Dr on Monday (I wonder how he knows this as I only booked the appointment a couple of days before and it's a different department). He sits and chats to me for a bit and tells me how it is getting out of hand yadda yadda yadda and I agree. I know it is. I know it's out of hand. Anyway, after talking to him for a bit he goes off and comes back saying he will get me some Diazepam to help with the agitation etc. After 5 hours down at A+E and the Consultant stitching my thigh I am allowed home.



Saturday -



I had arranged to go out with my friend Saturday evening but really couldn't be bothered. However, I didn't want to let her down. I was feeling like shit as I had wanted to end it all Thursday night and it didn't work. I really don't know how I got locked in the office or why I even went in there. I was feeling knackered and rough still. However we did go out. We started chatting and after one drink we decided between us that neither of us wanted to go out and we were going to go home get a drink and have a chat at home. So we did. She was supposed to stay at mine but as she has not been getting on with her husband recently she decided she was going to go home. Well I persuaded her to wanting the house to my self as I wanted to cut etc. So as soon as she left I got the rest of the alcohol took it upstairs and went to town cutting my leg again. I have tried to go over old scars so I don't end up with more scars so I went over an old scar on my leg. From what I then remember I took a load of the dihydrocodeine and also some paracetamol, diclofenac and what ever else I could get my hands on. I can't really remember much else a part from coming round in A+E. I was told I had been brought in as had been found with a ligature round my neck. I looked at my phone and at 3am I had called a taxi. Don't have a clue where it took me. All I remember was being in the resus area of A+E and they had put a glucose drip up as my blood sugar was low.



Sunday -



I was taken to the ward where a nurse helped me get dressed, when I left I grabbed a bag that had clothes in it from when I was at my friends the other week. So I was quite lucky I had a change of clothes. She helped me get dressed as I couldn't even stand up. I then slept for about 5 hours. I was moved to a different area on the ward and was told someone from Psych Medicine would be coming to see me. I fell asleep again for a few hours and woke up to Mike standing there. Saying that it was getting out of hand.



We then went to another room and had a scary chat. He said we should be looking at admission. I begged, pleaded and nearly started crying. He said things couldn't continue the way there were or I would be looking at involuntary admission. Basically being put under section 2. I said I knew that it was getting out of hand etc. He said he was going to make a phone call to the doctor about it and see what he said. So I start panicking and go get back on the hospital bed and start crying. Luckily the doc he spoke to said wouldn't be for the best if I was put on a psych ward but if things continued that is the way they were going.



After a while I spoke to Mike again when he had done my notes asking to speak to him again. I asked him did he mean that if I self harmed again I would be sectioned. I said I knew that it would happen again and that even though I was there I was planning on when I could next do it. He said no it didn't automatically mean that but he knew I hadn't been honest with people as of taking the OD on Thursday and not telling anyone. Even when I was at the hospital on Friday and threw up all over the place I was asked if I had taken anything and I denyed it. I explained to him that I found it really hard to be honest and open knowing what position of power he was in and that my worst fear is ending up in a psych ward. He said he understood but how is anyone able to help if I can't be honest about the way I am feeling and what is going through my head. Also, if I was feeling the way I am once I have made up my mind about something then I am stubborn, I will do it and I won't tell anyone if it means I am not going to be able to do it. I said to him that I hadn't been honest and there was a whole lot of stuff I hadn't told him as I was worried about peoples perceptions of me. I told him that I know when I am bad as I get the smell come back. This is when there is this smell that no one else can smell, it's the same each time but no one else smells it. I told him about hearing voices occasionally and also seeing things that aren't there. I said it really scares me. He didn't seem shocked by this and kept a neutral expression and said when people are in despair it's not uncommon to have those things happen.



He said he was worried about me and especially the blood letting. He said I had not told him before. I thought I had as I don't really see it as a big deal as it's not going to get infected and I don't need treatment for it. He said it was concerning. I didn't tell him I had ordered a load of hypodermic needles off the internet. Or a scalpel either.



I had asked someone to look at my leg as I noticed the stitches had popped out of both wounds. A Doc came and said they needed re-stitching. 10 hours later someone came to do it. At first he said he wouldn't be able to as had been open too long. He was horrible. He was accusing me of removing my own stitches from it as wouldn't just pop open. I said either they did or they did in A+E. In the end he re-stitched one of them but he left the other one with just a dressing on. So I have a huge hold in my leg. I have not had them as painful as this before when I have cut. I can't weight bear on my leg that they are in. It was awful on Saturday then got a bit better, so I think they popped. I think they may have again as although still really really hurts it is not as bad. I was told to rest and keep it elevated but I haven't been able to. So my own fault really. He was really horrible though and being in hospital those last few hours was horrible as I was just waiting around. Although I did over hear some good news while I was there. There is a nurse in the A+E who I can't stand. Actually not even sure she is a nurse as think I heard her say band 3. Anyway, I overheard that she had got a new job in London. So horrible nurse is leaving. I can't stand the cow. She talks to me like crap and has no compassion at all.



Monday -



So today I had to go see the Psychiatrist. Mike had called him in advance and said what had happened and Mike had arranged crisis team to be there also. I didn't like the psychiatrist really and really didn't like the woman from crisis team. I didn't like Mike at first though, but my opinions are slowly changing. He was practical and to the point. Which is good.I suppose. I was told by the PDoc that I need to go back and see him in a week so see how things are and crisis gave me their number so I can call them when I need to. I can't see the point. I don't know what they can do. As I have said when I make up my mind to cut I know I will. There is no talking me down. So in all honesty I don't think they can help. I don't know what can really. I am still feeling suicidal and am looking in to ways of making it look like an accident. I really don't want to carry on feeling this way. I can't see what anyone else can do for me. I don't have people I can confide in really and if I did there is nothing they can do.



I don't want to be in hospital but I do think it may be the best place for me. Maybe at first things will get worse. There is no way I am going in though. No way at all. If it came down to it I would make sure I killed myself before even getting there and would do all I could to not get there. But what else does it leave?