Monday, 16 May 2011

Confidence Crisis

I am having another confidence crisis over my course. I feel like a fake and I shouldn't be on the course. I am really struggling with the academic work. My written work isn't that good and I really struggle with it. I had to send some work to my Practice Educator (PE). She sent it back to me saying if I handed that in I would fail the placement. I really worry about it. I don't think I am cut out for the course. I can do the bit where I can work with people, I can do the job. I just can't do the academic stuff that comes along side of it.

I have got loads to do for placement still. I have been pulled from this placement as I can't do the job as of not being able to drive. I can add the days on to my final placement so I am not too worried.

It's weird. I have so much on at the moment and I am not even at work. It just seems as though it's appointment after appointment. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a CPN. It seems as though she is going to be my Care Coordinator. I think so anyway. She is going to my doc surgery and I am seeing her there for the appointment. I am nervous about it. I just hope she is not one of these people who sits there in silence and expects me to fill in the gaps. I have noticed Sam is making the gaps longer and longer.

I said to her in the first appointment I can't stand it when counsellors leave big gaps of quiet as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I have noticed she is doing it now. I wonder if she has been donig it on purpose. You know, sort of making me feel more at ease in appointments. I really don't like them though. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. It sucks.

So yeah, I have 2 head appointments this week. Next week I have a fankle appointment, hoping to get the cast off but who knows. I will have had it on coming up to 4 weeks when I have the appointment and it would have been nearly 5 weeks since I injured it. It's still painful. I am ok-ish walking on it now. But, it hurts more after if I have been putting weight through it. When I am not able to put it up it also hurts more then. So not sure what the answer will be really. Only 1 week tomorrow til my appointment and so I should find out more then. I am looking forward to gettting my car back and not having to rely on people to ferry me around all the time.

I also have my needle in the arm pre operation appointment.  I am still planning on trying to make myself ill through the GA. It says not to eat before hand and to avoid fizzy drinks. So there's my plan. I don't think I will be put on a ventilator so it's not as though they would notice really. Well they would but hopefully it will be too late by then.

I know I am doing it again. Saying one thing; about my course and that I am worried. But, at the same time any opportunity for it to look accidental and not my own fault and where I am not going to be aware of it I am going to take.

I know that I will one day succeed. I don't see me living a full and whatever life. But, in the mean time I am not going to sit around doing nothing.

I suppose I will write again when I have more to say and to say how tomorrow goes.


No comments: