Sunday, 22 May 2011

Thoughts

I am pretty stable at the moment. Although in a weird way I feel unsettled about it. I don't know how long it is going to last for. I don't know how long it is before I sink in to a depressive state again. Or how long before everything speeds up and my thoughts race and I feel a bit hyper. Although I don't mind it so much when that happens. I prefer the ups. But unfortunately they don't happen that often. So basically I am waiting to sink in to the depression again.

I say I am pretty stable. But last nights self harm probably wouldn't show that. The letting was bad last night. I probably did more than I have done before. And I used a different method to get more out. I found if I sucked on the end of the needle I could get more out and it wouldn't clot. So let a lot more than I probably should have done. And since I have found a new method I wanna do it again now.

Sam told me to wait 10 minutes from when I want to self harm and then seeing if I can wait another 10 minutes. I know if I continued to do it as bad as that every night then the letting would become a problem and I would be bothered about what it was doing to me. I know I will self harm later. I have come on here to distract myself away from doing it as I prefer to do it last thing at night. It's like taking a sleeping pill.

Also, I have been thinking more and more about July/August. I am thinking it may be a good time to end it all. No one will be around. It's perfect timing. I will be on my own. I wont have anyone around me to notice I am not around as uni will have finished for summer, I will have finished placement, family all on holiday and my friends don't seem to notice when I have not been in contact. I have had thoughts about what I will be doing also. I won't go in to detail on here but the more and more I think about it the more it seems logical.

I can't cope with these ups and downs. I want to be normal. I have tried so many different pills which don't seem to work and I am so sick of it. I don't want to live my life wondering how long I will have of being stable before the next episode. Also, I am stable at the moment so I am being rational. It's not as though I am in a depressed state where I can't see a way out, or if I am having racing thoughts and I am being irrational. I have thought about this loads recently. I need to fine tune a few things and get a few things figured out, like time, place, method. But I think I am being quite rational. I am stable at the moment. I am making a thought out decision, it's not rash, it's not impulsive. A lot of thought will have gone in to it.

I don't want to talk to Sam about it. My mind is made up on this one. I wont be talked out of it. I will carry on seeing Sam in the mean time as she does offer good support around the self harm. But, I have found that I am becoming less and less honest with her. I am not able to talk about the self harm with her. Does this mean that it is a waste of time me going now. I can't be open and honest with her. I am scared to be. Especially after what happened with the course. And especially as now she is being supervised by the Clinical Psychologist who is working with Dr T. I don't want what I say getting back to him. As I have said before I am worried about being made to go in to hospital. I won't let that happen. I have a plan for if it does but I would rather not end it that way.

I just feel as though everything I am doing is a big waste of time at the moment. Why should I continue to do stuff with uni if I am not going to be around to see it through. Why am I bothering.

Why am I waiting until July/August. Why wait? I suppose I should wait. I can plan more and make it more definite. I have time to play with I should make the most out of it!

1 comment:

sailorcarrie said...

I'm not looking forward to July and August either, bad things always happen these months and every year its a reminder or something worse happens.
Don't give up just yet though. Maybe we can wait it out together?