Tuesday, 10 May 2011


I keep getting paranoid thoughts all the time. An example is I was sitting outside last night having a cig and I had this thought that I was being watched with cameras. My rationalisation on that one....actually GP you are being watched. Your parents have CCTV. So yup, some truth in that one! LOL. Joking aside though it is things like that. I have thoughts that there are cameras watching me. Watching me just to see how insane I am and gathering evidence. Most of it all comes back to the fear of being sectioned and having to go in to hospital.

My main one yesterday, even though Dr T kept saying he wasn't going to section me (I did say quite rudely...well I know that you can't on your own but...) only a couple of hours previous, when I had an appointment with a researcher and he was asking me questions I thought it was all a ploy.

I will go in to this one a bit more. When I was in hospital recently with my ankle/foot I was asked if I would partake in a research study into the impact of injuries and how it affects your life. I know how hard it can be getting participants so I agreed. So he arranged to come and see me yesterday and was asking lots and lots of questions. He asked loads about my mental health before the accident and it made me so uncomfortable. I lied quite a bit about it but was honest in some parts. I didn't want his impression of me to be craaaaaazy woman! He was a young guy and I found it really hard talking about it to him as I had never met him and I was in my own home. I don't do talking about it in my own home. Also it didn't help that all the while he was asking the questions I was thinking this is just a thing from the Psychiatry side to test me again. They want to know if I am being honest with them and are testing me to see how I answer questions about my mood etc. I was so paranoid about it. I was so glad when he left and felt massive relief. But part of me feels that he is going to feed back on my answers to the Psych team.

Mad, I know.

I have paranoia that I am being followed and watched. That people I don't know are constantly assessing me. I feel that people are paid to do this and they will all report back on what I am doing and how I seem to be behaving.

I was outside at work today having a cigarette. An ambulance on blue lights pulls up along side me. Stops. Moves forward a little. Stops and reverses to where I am. Can you imagine my thoughts on that one. I think I recognised one of the paramedics also. He looked at me a bit weird as though he recognised me. They got out really slowly and I was just stood there in total panic about what was going to happen. As it happened they went in to the brothel/drug den across the road from me.

I know these are paranoid thoughts. I can try and rationalise with myself that really the NHS does not have money to spend to employ someone to follow people. And it violates one of the Human Rights of The Right to a Private Family Life. And I try and look at it from a professional view. Never have I heard of that being done. They have so many other patients that really that many resources on me...it aint gonna happen! But there is still that massive seed of doubt. There's the keeping in check of my behaviour, so like not just lying on the floor for the hell of it which sometimes I like to do, just in case there are cameras in my room.

I don't know if it's getting worse. I don't think they are. But what does worry me is how they are all pulled back to one thing and that is being in hospital. I am that scared of it that these paranoid thoughts are appearing.

I will just have to get on with it though.

On another note, I have a date for the operation. June 2nd. That's to get the needle out my arm. Although I have to go to a pre-op thing a week before. The surgeon really didn't want to do it and was trying to pursuade me otherwise. So I think they will turn round in this pre-op thing and say while your BMI is not between 20-25 we will not do it as you have elected to have it done. So watch this space on that one. I think that will be my accidental death if they do decide to go ahead. Perhaps if I eat when I am not supposed to then it will result in my aspirating...yay! But as I said, I don't think they will do it. If it is something as simple as BMI I will be pissed off as surely he could have said there and then that he didn't think it would be appropriate as my BMI is outside normal range.

Who knows.

I have been put on 300mg of Quetiapine now. Dr T said he will write to my GP to get the prescription. He said I can take it in one dose and go from 100 to 300mg straight off. Well, I am not so sure. I know when I first started taking it it took me a few days to adjust. So I have decided I am upping it slowly. I took 200mg tonight. I hope it will make me sleep. I feel like I could now so I am going to try.

Wish me luck.


1 comment:

Kristy said...

Years ago, in a manic episode, I was so paranoid, I hid in a hotel from my family as I was sure they where trying to section me and was about to buy tickets to Mexico to hide out for awhile. Even though I had little grains of truth to how they felt about me it was my paranoia. Just realizing it is paranoia is a good thing and not logical. Keep checking your reality even though it can be hard at times. It is when you truly buy into your delusions that it gets scary and over the top.