I was having last minute doubts about Sam coming to the appointment with Dr T today but didn't do anything about it. Turns out it wasn't that bad. Although Sam did bring up how paranoid I was when I was in the hyper mood. So the doc starts asking me how paranoid I was and about what. I felt so stupid. I couldn't talk with 2 professionals there. It was too much. So I just quickly said about being sectioned. He asked if there was anything else and I said no. He asked me if I was sure as it didn't look like I was being truthful. So I said about people following me. I said I can rationalise those thoughts but there is always a seed of doubt there and that perhaps it is true. Well actually before I said that I said I didn't want to say as it sounded stupid and I know it's not the case and I didn't want to. But he said how can I help you if you don't tell me. So queue me feeling so stupid and telling him that. I didn't tell him how every time I see a police car I feel they are coming for me. Or that people are tricking me by telling me they are doing one thing but really they are doing another...I'll get to more of that in a bit.
We talked more about when I am feeling as though everything is going fast. And you know what he put it down to...panic state. No. I don't feel panicked. I don't have anything to feel panicky about. Ok, maybe the paranoia makes me feel a bit on edge. But it's nothing massive and I can rationalise with myself. So he said well, what you have described is panic state and that fits in with BPD. I told him again I didn't agree. And queried that with PD isn't it a more rapid cycling of mood. He said not necessary. He goes on to tell me and tried to re-assure me that PD is seen as an illness just the same as bi-polar, depression, schizophrenia. What a load of SHIT!!!!!!!!!! Please remember I have seen MH from both sides. Do not try to fob me off Dr T!
Not just the stigma that comes with that diagnosis but I don't believe that it is the diagnosis. I have more trust in Dr Google than I do him. I don't know how many sources that Dr Google has but all of them disagree with him. On those quiz things, ok I know most of them are for fun but some are to do with the DSM-IV and there is some element of truth in them. But not one that I have done points to PD. I don't know. Maybe because I know there is so much of a stigma that comes with that that maybe is pushing me in the opposite way. He kept going on and on about it being a deep routed thing and will take a lot of work.
I emailed Sam after the appointment saying this to her
"Don't know if I said it earlier but thanks for coming with me today.
I'm still pissed off as I don't think it's an accurate diagnosis and it's all well and good saying not to focus on it but if it's on my records it is what other people will see as soon as they pick up my file. It's not just the stigma etc that is attached to it and what other people see which clouds my judgement but I just don't think it's right. I know I shouldn't put too much faith in Dr Google but from what I have read around it and those stupid tests, which some are based on DSM-IV but not one of them points to PD. "
It just seems as no one is listening to me. How many times do I have to tell them I don't have problems with anxiety or panicking. Actually to be fair I may have said that I do. They ask so many bloody questions and want answers and I am not sure if I have, maybe I haven't that I sometimes feel anxious. I am going to have to say it on Wednesday when I see Sam. I don't think that I am anxious person. Yeah, I get normal anxiety before exams etc but not in general. People have commented on how calm I am before exams presentations and getting marks back. My philosophy is I have not worked as hard as I could have so however I do is a bonus. Or in terms of work and presentations - I have done what I can do so what is the point fretting about it all now. What's done is done and there is no changing it. I don't find anxiety bothers me at all. So why do people fixate on it.
I am going to have to speak to Sam about it as I am just throwing things out there when really, that isn't what it is. I think maybe I am saying things people want to hear. Sam could tell I was feeling pissed off as she grabbed me before she left and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no, and I was going home to stew over it.
I think I self harm when I am angry. I self harm when I am pissed off. I know a couple of times I have been so pissed off and I have ended up self harming. I think a lot of it is habit. He was asking about the self harm again and I said it's pretty much every day. He seemed to think it was a good thing that I had not self harmed more since I have been at home more. That shows how much he listens as I have said before, I never self harm in the day and it is late at night. So being on my own all day does not make one bit of difference.
He asked me if I had thoughts of doing anything else. Well, yeah, they are there most the time. But I didn't go in to detail. By this point I was just pissed off and wanted to leave.
I am getting a support worker or a CCO. He wants me to call them rather than self harm. Nope, doesn't work like that for me. If I decide I am going to self harm that is it. Also, I feel it's so ingrained in me that it happens so often that speaking to someone isn't going to help. But, what he did point out which was true was I wont talk to anyone who I don't know. And they will be there between my appointments with Sam. He did say would only be for 2-3 months. I don't see how I am going to get to know someone in that amount of time and trust them for them to be effective, so really what is the point? What if I don't like the person and don't feel as though I can talk to them at all. It's a bit of a waste of time really. I am being very negative aren't I?
So long story short. I am getting a CCO/Support Worker, albeit for a limited time. He has upped the dose of Quetiapine to 300mg. To be taken in one go. That's going to be fun then isn't it? He keeps going on about how is for aggitation and anxiety..."HELLLOOOOOO, have you not listened to a word I have said". I should get some sleep hopefully anyway as not slept the last 3 nights. And that was it. That was a horrible Psychiatrist appointment.
I was going to write about the other paranoia things but this is rather lomg as it is so I will save that for another post.
This bloody appointment has made me so angry. I want to cry when I am angry. I am not going to let this make me cry!