Monday, 23 May 2011

Getting On...

OK, I know I am not exactly old. I am 26. But I turn 27 in about 4 weeks. And I hate it. I hate the idea that I am another year older and have not got any where. When I was younger up until I was about 23 I was fine with birthdays and getting older. But now. Not at all. It scares me. It is a reminder that I am no where in life. Generations before me were married, owned a house and had children. Here's me. Living with parents, still a student, not in a relationship and in a lot of debt that getting a mortgage even in a few years is very unlikely.

I hate birthdays. I really do. I don't mind the being given presents side. But it's the whole getting a year older. When I was growing up I thought I would be married with children by now. I wanted to be. I want to be. At my age my Mum had 3 children. My Nan had my Mum. The females in my family all have been married with kids by my age. Here's me. Nothing.

Getting older is just another reminder of what I have failed to accomplish. I look at my friends and compare myself to them. Most of them are pretty settled or are on their way to being. I am the eternal student. Have never had a job where I feel as though it is worthwhile and career wise. I have not had a career yet. It has only been the last 2 years I have decided which route I want to take. But now, I think of that and think I have probably pushed myself too far and I am out of my depth. I feel as though I am drowning. I can't do a Masters. Who was I kidding?

I feel that my mood is pretty stable at the moment. That is why I can make the decision that come the end of July when everyone is on holiday I can act on my decision to end it. I don't have definite plans yet. I know it wont be an OD unless I can get a load of morphine again or any opiate based. This morning I was in a hell of a lot of pain with my back. Because I am in a cast and walking on it I have one leg longer than the other which has led to me having a bad back. Paracetamol and Ibrupofen hasn't touched it. What I had got was Panadol which is paracetamol with dihydrcodeine in. Only 7.5mg. Before I was taking 60mg of the Dihydrocodeine and that worked quite well when my ankle was bad. So I took 8 paracetamol. Hardly an overdose. But it has left me feeling sick all day. I have had my head over the loo thinking I am going to barf as I had that weird feeling in my mouth and it filling with water. But no, I wasn't sick, I wasn't given an relief from feeling sick. It reminded me of the overdoses I have taken and why when they were suicide attempts they weren't successful. It is because being sick scares me. So the times when I wasn't found by someone I ended up getting help myself. I don't know. I am not saying it was the case each time. I know I wanted to die. But I couldn't handle the side effects from what I had taken. Maybe when I used to leave the flat in the middle of the night it was a unconscious thought process that someone would find me.

So no overdosing for me. I can't handle the sickness.

I don't want to turn 27. That's getting in to my late 20's and only 3 years off 30. 30 is old. I was teaching my nephew ages the other day and I asked him how old he thought I was. He said 5. He is only just 2. Bless him. So I said no, I am a lot older than that and I told him I was 26. I then asked him again how old I was and he replied "old". Yeah thanks!

I am feeling older also. I can't drink like I used to when I was younger and be over the hangover a couple of hours after waking up. I now have 2 day hangovers. If I go out in to town at night I am one of the oldest. It's all kids in clubs. If you go to the bars where there are older people either they are the old chavy type. Or the bar is really expensive and you pay something like £7 for a single and mixer.

In my city there is a suburb that is really nice to go out in and is older people. But again it's expensive.

It's funny really. I have been going to clubs and going out drinking since I was 15-16. It was something we used to do quite regularly. We used to go out, take about £20 be wrecked but have also been to a club, got food and a taxi home. I can't do that now. A night out usually costs about £50 minimum. Hence why I don't tend to go out that often. Also, most of my friends don't like the same places that I like. They go to shit, chavy bars, see the same people and then go to Oceana where you stick to the floor and it smells like feet. In that place they should have not banned smoking. The smell of smoke is much more preferable to the smells of that place. They go every single week. They see the same people. They have the same arguments. It drives me mad. So I don't tend to go out with them that much. The places I like to go are apparently too pretentious! What? No, it's just that they are not chavs and they have a decent taste in music rather than the boom boom boom synthesised shit! I'm too old for that shit!

I've even had my Mum say I am too old to be going out to clubs etc. And to be honest, she is probably right. There are only a couple of places in this city that play decent music. And that is full of students. No matter what night it is the students tend to gravitate towards it. It's a really small dingy place. It's dark and you do stick to the floor. But the music is ace. It's my music. But I don't get to go there as the girls wont go. So, if I am feeling like I want to dance it's the cheesy crappy places they like.

I have found though as I have got older my tastes in bars have changed. There's a really nice wine bar that I love going to. They usually have an acoustic guy on and it's really chilled out and a nice atmosphere. I don't tend to like the places I used to like. I have grown out of them. I wish my friends would grow out of the places that they go to.

I don't know why but I am trying to arrange something with friends for my birthday. I don't know why I am bothering as I will only end up being let down by people. But, I am going to say to people I am not getting any older now and I am going to be eternally 21. I do not want to get any older. It is really scaring me.

But, if all goes to plan. I wont be getting any older.

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