Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Annoying People

I think Sam was kinda pissed off with me today. The stuff I was saying, well, kind of like going backwards. I told her about the appointment with Beth and how that made me feel.

I was then telling her how I know come July when I am on my own for a month I know I am going to cut. And when I cut, it's pretty serious and usually requires stitches. She seemed pissed off with me that I said it and that I felt that way. I tried to explain how when I cut it takes time. It's my thing. Some people throw a party when their parents go away, me, I cut. I said it was kind of like a treat. Not happening very often. Some people may like a pill when they want a treat, you know, like E. Me, I cut.

She got kind of worked up by it and was saying how if I end up in hospital I may end up being sectioned as the people who assess me don't know me and it's a possibility. So I said at the time I don't think about the consequences and of all the people I have spoken to before I can get out of hospital admissions by saying what they wanna hear. She kept asking what if I couldn't. I didn't answer but I think I have done it so many times before, unless I am acutely psychotic I don't think there is much chance of that. Also, my last hospital attendance because of self harm was in January. So come July they will look at that and see that and not worry. Anyway, I am not even saying I would have to go to hospital. It's just that I plan on having a couple of nights cutting as I like to cut.

I said to her that I didn't see the self harm as a problem. OK, it's every night but it's not a problem. It's not serious. And the reason I do that is so I am not cutting. It's my stopping cutting method. She asked me to try the 10 minute rule thing. That's where you stop before you cut for 10 mins and assess how you are feeling. I said I felt it was a waste of time for me. I did it and waited 10mins, but I see the blood letting as being a normal thing. It's not a big deal. If I saw or felt effects from it I would possibly change my view point. But, I don't. It's not like I am gauging big holes in myself that need hospital treatment, it's not as though I am risking losing my leg, or getting infection. So why should I stop? I don't want to stop.

So what now? Do I stop with counselling, do I stop with Dr T? If I stop and say I don't want any more input would that mean I end up in the hospital? I want to be left alone. I don't want to do any of this and the only reason I do so is because I scared of what will happen if I don't. The meds help me sleep. So I would quite like to stay on them. Also, since I have been on them weirdly I have lost weight. So it's one good side effect of Quetiapine.

But what do I do now?

1 comment:

catherine said...

i know you say it's not serious, but consider this. you have to have surgery later this month because you have a needle stuck in your arm. and remember the swallowing thing? that's pretty serious. i'm not being mean, just wanting you to stick with sam and keep trying to get at the root of this. i know you don't want to stop right now, and i respect that, but there will come a day when you won't need to do it anymore. keep going!!!