I need to stop thinking about it but I do. The more I do the more I am hurt by not being invited on this night away. I am hurt because it is my fault. I mean who would want to invite someone to go out in a different city and stay at your house if the last time you went out with them they were so drunk they fell over and broke their ankle. I don't know if I have mentioned before but I was also escorted out of the bar by bouncers. Yeah, so I was pretty pissed. I know I drank too much. The 3rd bottle of wine was not needed. But after 2 I felt normal and I wasn't even staggering about. I felt invincible.
I am also quite bothered that only 6 out of the 25 people invited to a party that I am having for my birthday have bothered replying. I mean it was a facebook invite. It's not as though they have to put an RSVP in the post. I don't know why I bother trying to arrange anything. I end up being let down so often. I think I am a pretty likeable person. I usually go out my way for others. So what is it? I'm obviously not that likeable if no one can be bothered to reply or come. It's things like this when I just want to retreat in to myself and not bother doing anything. Out of my friends there is only one who asks me if I want to go somewhere or actually gets in contact with me first. We are not like close friends or anything, she doesn't know anything about what has been going on with me. And, I have the feeling things may become awkward. She has just got back with her ex which is Gom's best mate. So they may start doing coupley things together and it may just become quite weird. I was hoping they wouldn't get back together. But I never let on. In fact I was the opposite. I thought about how she was feeling about it all and encouraged her to give it a shot being as though she still loved him. But that is that now anyway.
I don't know what I can do to change things. How can I be a better friend? The whole being let down thing has been going on for years. When I booked my trip to Asia I wanted to make sure that I would be away for my birthday. It was so much better not having to worry about anything. I did have a good birthday for what I was awake of it. I was very hung over and feeling sorry for myself. But I gave myself a pep talk and said there is no way you can go back to the dingy hostel and have an early night. So I drank through the hangover. It was tough going but I did it and I had another good night out. Although the second night out didn't end up with me being in bed with my Aussie neighbour Josh. And, to be honest I was so drunk that 1st night I can't really remember much. I remember crawling across the rope bridge across the river from leaving the bar and freaking out over it as I was paranoid I was going to fall off. Then when I got back to my hostel I walked past the guys all sitting outside. I then remember going in to my bathroom and tripping on the step. I hit my fact and split my lip open and it was pouring with blood. In my drunken state I thought I was in a mess and went and got help. Next thing I know I am in bed with Josh.
So that was my last birthday. Not exactly something to be proud of. I avoided him really well for the next few days.
So I think I may cancel my birthday this year and just arrange to go out for a meal with my parents. I don't want any more birthdays. They are just depressing.