I procrastinate over everything. I have not done any uni work this week. I should be doing some every day. If it didn't matter to me I could understand why I am doing it but it does matter. But then I think well I am probably going to try and kill myself come the end of July so why bother.
I also put off thinking about what I should be doing. Like when I have appointments with Sam she asks me what thought I have put in to what we discussed in the previous session. I don't tend to think about things that much outside of the sessions. I don't want to. I know I write it on here but then I write it and I file it away. I don't dwell on it. Maybe I should be doing. Maybe I should be looking at it in a homework way. But I don't have the time. I don't really want to be thinking about it.
I took my nephew out for a bit earlier. He is only 2. We only went to the opticians and supermarket but weirdly he seemed to enjoy himself and I only had to deal with one tantrum which I ignored. So I am taking him out again tomorrow. But, tomorrow is a spoiling him day. It was his birthday at the beginning of April and I was supposed to take him out on the day of the Royal wedding but I was in a plaster cast so I couldn't. So I am taking him out and spoiling him for the day. What he wants (within reason) he can have. It did make me feel a bit happier taking him out. And he is that cute that I love parading him. I don't think I am being biased but he is gorgeous. He has almost white wavy hair and he is so pretty. People may say to me think about your nephews if you do kill yourself. The way I feel though is that they are both so young still they will never remember me. So if I am going to, do it soon whilst I am not remembered.
I realise I probably sound a bit stupid saying this. I realise I am not looking at the bigger picture but sometimes what is right in front of my eyes is all that matters. I know what I would be saying to someone who was saying the same things as I am. But, even when I challenge myself on my thoughts, I ignore it.
I have this operation next week. I hope that I have some reaction to the anaesthetic and I can just disappear without it hurting, without any bravery from me. I think it's possibly the reason why I haven't managed to succeed yet is because I am not brave enough. I can't handle pain either. And what is there after death. Is there reincarnation, an afterlife, heaven, hell. What is there? I quite like the reincarnation idea. I like the Hindu Caste idea but then surly if I took my own life it would mean I have less in the next life?
Or is there nothing? I don't think that's the case. There are too many stories about ghosts that seem plausible. And, stupid as it sounds I think my Nan comes to me in my dreams. I dream about her quite a bit and often she is giving me a hug, or straight talking to me. 11 years on and I still miss her so much that when I think about her I start to cry. There's a song by Robbie Williams called Nan's Song which is a song about his Nan and I feel that way also. Obviously the first bit is his idea of a laugh but bear with it. I love Robbie. I realised the other day I have been a fan of his for more than half of my life. That's dedication. I know all the words to his songs, I own all the albums and I have a massive crush on him. I didn't like him in Take That the first time round. I was more of a Mark fan. Although looking at them now Mark is an ugly little scrote and the others are the ones that are nice. Even Gary Barlow isn't that bad! OK went a bit off topic there.
If there is such thing as ghosts and I have the option to come back as one. I am so doing it. There are so many people I would love to mess with. Not in a poltergeist way, but a "am I going mad, I am sure I didn't put that there" kind of way. It would be ace.
On topic of ghosts. When I worked in my first psychiatric unit there were some odd things going off. First off the unit was built on the grounds of an old nursing home. The nursing home was demolished and that built in it's place. Also, the road in which is was on is legendary in my city as there being the a ghost that appeared in people's mirrors as they were driving. When driving to and from work on that 2 minutes it took me to drive up that dark, windy road I never looked in my mirror as I was shit scared. So many people had said they had seen things.
Anyway. I was on high obs of a patient ( who was sleeping and we were line of sight) with a member of staff who didn't usually work on my ward. We were chatting and we found out she lived really near me and she didn't drive. So I offered her a lift home from work. I said to her I'll meet you in the staff canteen after. And she turns round and says really quite sharply "I'm not meeting you in there". OK, I was thinking, a bit rude. So I asked her to meet me in reception "no, I am not meeting you in there either, I'll meet you outside". She looked at me and could tell by my expression that I was kind of puzzled. She then turned round to me and said "I'm not being funny but this place is haunted and I can see them. It's some weird thing I have and they talk to me and here it freaks me out". Well by this I was thinking that she needed a bed.
I left it at that and gave her a lift home. A couple of days later I was talking about it with another member of staff and not naming her had said what she had said and then made a comment about needing to be more worried about the staff than patients. He then seriously said to me that he wasn't surprised as a couple members of staff had reported seeing things. Patients had also, but I think it wasn't taken seriously and was put down to hallucinations. We never discussed it in front of patients so there was no way they could have caught on.
So it kind of freaked me out working there. And night shifts when you walked to corridors on your own were the worst.
This girl I did actually become quite close to and we regularaly used to get drunk together after shifts and bitch about the shift and the place we worked in. She told me more and more about this thing that she had. At first I was kind of freaked out by it, especially when she said I had a resident ghost in my spare room. After a while I relaxed by it and named my ghost Edith. And when I was drunk I used to talk to her. Maybe I was taken in by it all. But. There are so many people that say they can see and hear things that surely there is something?
And what about 6th senses? Apparently in my family there are some people with a 6th sense. My Nan used to be able to mix all her records up then randomly select one with her eyes closed and name what it was. My thing is that I dream of places before I have been there. I am not in touch with it enough that I can dream and then say right ok, this is going to happen and this will be the scenario but I have often been in a new situation and known that I had been there before. Just small things like a pathway in a hotel grounds or something small and insignificant like that.
I'm going to stop now. Perhaps I am delusional? Lol. But one thing is I have bloody scared myself.
Good night world.