Where to Begin?

Well, obviously as I am writing this it didn't work. I came very close though. Very close. I can't remember much if I am honest. I can't remember leaving the house at all. I woke up nearly 24 hours later in the intensive care unit. I half opened my eyes and I didn't recognise where I was and I had a weird sensation of not being able to move. Someone talking to me saying "you are ok, you're just coming round from being sedated". I reached out for her hand and wouldn't let go. I couldn't cough, speak or move my head. I was on a ventilator that was breathing for me. I was drifting in and out of consciousness. I don't know how long I was like that for. I was aware that I had lines coming out of me from all angles. I was told to try and not move as I had so many. I was on a catheter also. Naked, except for a gown. Hooked up to all these machines.

Once I became a little more conscious, she removed the ventilator. It was horrible. I was still not quite with it and not fully conscious. She put me on oxygen for a while.Then when I was a little more with it she told me what was happening to me. I had lines in my arms, my wrists, my hands, my feet and my neck. Painful. I was on a heart monitor. I had a catheter in. And I couldn't move. It had felt like I had been in an accident. My neck was stiff and I couldn't move. She then told me the police were involved in trying to find a next of kin. She said I didn't have any ID on me. Panic set in. They knew who I was at that point, I don't know how. Then she came back and told me that the police had been in contact with my older brother and he had informed him and my parents. My brother kept calling the ICU wanting to know what I had taken and how much. The nurse was with me most the time. One nurse to one patient in ICU. I was still hooked up to the machines but she had removed a couple of lines. Just leaving the most painful ones in my neck and arterial line in my wrist. I spoke to my brother. Tears down the phone. He told me the police called him first but because he wasn't next of kin they wouldn't give him information. They had just said there had been an incident. He thought I was dead.

The nurse said if I hadn't have been found I would have died. I was really ill and it was serious. They sedated me with propofal which they use for general anaesthetics. They said I wasn't breathing and couldn't maintain my own airway. My bloods were all over the place and very acidotic so they said I needed to be asleep so they could give treatment.

I don't remember much at all until I woke up in ICU. There are little flashes which I remember. I remember a weird sensation in my mouth and taste. I think the nurse was brushing my teeth. It was horrible and it felt like I was going to drown. I couldn't move. I think I remember the tube going down my throat, but again I couldn't move. It was like I was paralysed. I think I was sick also. I was on my back and I thought I was going to drown in my own sick. There were lots of people around and they were suctioning it out my mouth. But this is all I remember. I don't remember leaving the house. I don't remember being in the ED. Nothing.

So I was in ICU for 2 nights. On the second night I had all my lines and catheter removed. A catheter is horrible. You can't pee normally and it feels like all you want to do is pee. When it came to removing the lines there were also stitches as they were sewn in to me so they didn't move. It was horrible having them taken out. So painful.

I was moved to the ward on Sunday morning. An older woman from Crisis team came. I said I didn't want their input and I didn't want to work with them. I said I regretted it didn't work, especially as I came so close. But, I didn't have any more plans to try again. Which was true. I said I really didn't want to work with them. She threatened me with a MHA. I said to her I felt as though I was being cornered and they weren't giving me choices. She didn't stay long. She just said that I had to stay in hospital one more night at least on medical wards and give it some thought and they would come back the next day.

On Monday I was told I was medically fit. Crisis team came back. Well, a Social Worker from crisis team and a nurse from the CAT team. I was with them only 5 minutes when there was a knock at the door and the student nurse said that my mum was there. So, queue hysterical crying. She had flown back from holiday early. I told the social worker and nurse that I did not want to work with them and I wanted to go it alone. They said it wasn't an option and if I refused to work with them then they would have to do a MHA. I kept saying over and over that I didn't want to work with them. I said I didn't want family members knowing what had happened and I didn't want them involved. They said because I lived with my parents they had to know what was going on. I tried arguing with them saying how I felt it was unfair as if I lived on my own they wouldn't be talking to my Mum. I said that they were breaking my confidentiality and it was wrong as they were only doing it because I lived with someone else. I asked how could I be honest with them if they were just going to tell my parents what I had said. I said I was an adult and I didn't want anyone knowing. I didn't want them knowing it wasn't the first time and I wanted to down play the seriousness of it. They said they couldn't do that as I had nearly died and it was serious.

So they sent me out the room to go and see my Mum. More crying. I said I was sorry. I know suicide is selfish. But, I can't go on like this with these feelings. I felt bad that she had flown back from holiday at the cost of nearly £500. But, if anyone plays the "what about me" card I am just going to have to say "what about me". I know they will be upset but it is a very selfish thing and I can't really see past that at the moment. After a while the 2 people came back and wanted me to go back in with my Mum. They said what the options were and I said all I wanted to do was go home and be left alone. I said I really didn't want their input as it was a waste of time. I said I wouldn't talk to them as I barely knew them, and even then, if I knew them I probably wouldn't talk to them. I explained how even with Sam I withhold quite a lot from her. And that I just didn't want new people involved with me. My mum was freaking out as she thought they were going to make me go in to hospital. I said I wouldn't go in informally either. I was arguing with them, and crying loads. I said I wouldn't go in to hospital as I knew what they were like from working on the wards and that I knew staff in all the local hospitals. So that was not an option. They were saying how basically what they do is the same as what hospital would do but without making me be in there. I refused point blank. I do not want to work with them at all.

In the end, I said I would see Dr T, or my GP or someone from the counselling service. They weren't happy at first. I left the room and my Mum stayed behind. I don't know what was said. I went off for a cigarette and when I came back they agreed that I could go home on the basis that they could see me today and sort something out with the GP.

I agreed. But this morning I didn't answer my phone to them. They spoke to my Mum though and said that the GP has agreed he will see me once a week. I don't really see the point of it really. I probably won't even go to see him. I haven't spoke to them today and they have not tried calling me back so I am assuming that they are not going to be coming today. I think I have managed to throw them off. Hopefully, anyway.

So how do I feel about people knowing. I am mortified. I am so upset that it didn't just work and now I have to live through this of being watched. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left on my own. I still feel the same in that I don't want to be around. I just want to give up. I have had enough of the fighting. The constant battle. I don't want to think that I am hurting people, but, selfishly, what about me? My brother sent me something he had written that made me cry and makes me cry every time I read it...

There's a child at Beachy Head, gonna stop you from going over. That child is me. There's a seven year old, got you by the hand, got you by the hair, got you by anything he can hold on to. Remembers you as a happy kid. Pre theft, pre pubescent. Daddy's girl with a big brown faced smile in a purple polyester nighty in the kitchen. A phone call of blazing dread brought back feelings of my childhood and adulthood inadequacy, multiplied ad infintum for you. But their words and deeds should have no bearing on the equilibrium of your soul. You are so lovely. I love you so much (my kids do too). Please just try and remember that next time you're down.

All this, all that's gone on and I still only think of it. My Mum and my brother have shown so much worry. Yet somehow I can't comprehend it. I can't comprehend much at the moment. I think I will be left alone now. Hopefully anyway. I don't want anything at the moment. I don't want people interfering in my life. I can't handle it. I want everyone to just go away.

That's basically what happened. There is probably bits I left out. I know there is one big thing I have but I will write about that in another post.

x

Police

They called the Police on me.

I was upstairs minging around and I heard the side gate go. I was thinking "Shit". I went out on to my balcony and heard banging really loudly on the door. I came downstairs and there was a Police man peering in through kitchen window. I opened the door and they asked if I was GP. I said yes and they asked if they could come in.

They were both really friendly. It was 2 blokes. So they asked if I was ok and if I had suicidal feelings. So I said yeh. They said that Matt had called them as he was concerned. I explained to the 2 Police officers that I was dealing with it my self and that I didn't want to see Crisis Team. I said I would rather be on my own and I didn't want their involvement. Cute police officer said that I didn't need to let them in but just let them know I was alive. I said I didn't want any involvement with them. Older Police man said he had met me before but he couldn't place where. I didn't recognise him but I thought it was probably from the time of the S136 and it all clicked in to place for him. He said I looked a lot better than then. I was battered though and it was raining so I probably had make-up smeared across my face and was in a mess. Today when they came round I was in my PJ's.

Cute police officer called the Crisis team and explained I was ok but didn't want input. He then made me speak to them. I explained to the guy on the phone that I didn't want them coming round and I didn't want to work with them as I thought I would be better on my own and could deal with it on my own.

He said the Crisis Team's aim was to keep people out of hospital. He said he was kind of put on the spot as he didn't know me and my case but he said a long the lines of if I didn't cooperate then hospital may be an option. A likely option. So he asked again if they could come around tomorrow and I said I felt like I had been cornered and I didn't have any choice in the matter. So I agreed on the phone even though I have no intention of being around then. I've been thinking quite a bit and thinking about my plans etc. I won't go in to it as I can't. It's my thing that I don't share.

The police were really nice though and they kept reassuring me saying things like "You're not in trouble", "We just want to make sure that you are ok and you are ok being left on your own". And then before they went they asked if I felt I needed them. I said no. They asked a couple more times and asked if I was sure. They said if I needed them I knew what to do.

They were so nice. I couldn't believe the difference in them to last time. I suppose it's because I was more compliant and wasn't trying to do a runner from them.

Crisis Team guy asked if I still had plans and I just said I didn't want to talk about it. He asked how I was feeling and I said the same. I can't hide it at the moment. I have no fight left in me. Before I would be able to put a fake smile on say everything was ok, but now I can't.

So nothing has changed really.

I Don't Want Them.

I am going to tell Crisis Team I don't want them. I don't want them coming round to my house, I don't want them phoning, I don't want their interference.

It's not a crime. And I feel I can do better without them. I don't see what they can do. I have made up my mind and there will be no changing it. I can be quite stubborn like that. I know what is best for me. Not some person I have only met once, or maybe have not met at all.

I am sick of them saying "You're and intelligent person, you should know how things work". What is that supposed to mean? I wonder if they tell that to everyone. Probably. I don't see how intelligence has anything to do with how I feel.

So when they come round tomorrow I am going to tell them. No more thanks!

I Wish I Hadn't Said Anything

Went to see Sam earlier. She asked me what was going through my head. I told her. She asked if I had a plan and I said I did. But I wouldn't tell her anymore. I couldn't. I said I hadn't even written about it on here. And I haven't. It's my thing that I keep to myself. She asked what I was scared of and I said being stopped. Sam had actually said for us to get anywhere I would need to tell her about it and I said I couldn't. I said to her I was more scared of going in to hospital than I was of dying. So she said she couldn't just leave it at that and she would need to speak to The Directors and also Crisis Team. Shit!

She asked what I was worried and that in me telling her shows I have come a long way. I don't feel like it. I said I was worried about her breaking confidentiality. She rationalised with me saying that before when she had to break it, it was all ran past me first and she wouldn't do anything behind my back. In her breaking it last time in the long run it was for my advantage as uni were aware and I got extenuating circumstances on work etc. She explained that although I may not feel like it's in my best interests that it would be (personally I still can't see it).

So we talked about it for quite a while and I was trying not to cry. She said we needed to formulate a plan. She had written up previously a pros and cons sheet of the CAT team and of counselling...

Here is what I came up with...

CAT Team Pros.

- Medication
- Referrals to other services if needed. EG - Clinical Psychology and CPN.

Cons

- He ( as in Dr T) will tell me I am feeling something I am not
- Impersonal and Clinical
- Can't really talk about feelings and thoughts
- Can be challenging
- Get frustrated and pissed off with it
- Don't feel as though I am being listened to
- Come away feeling worse than before
- Get the feeling my thoughts and feelings are being ignored
- He invalidates my feelings
- He will ignore bits of what I am telling him ( last time I told him I had suicidal thoughts)
- Information I tell people gets misinterpreted or they are informed wrong.

Counselling Pros

- Have my feelings validated
- Being able to discuss feelings without feeling abnormal
- I have a good relationship with Sam
- I can be more open and honest with Sam than I can with anyone.
- Sam can read how I am feeling.
- It feels as though someone understands how I feel.
- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings

Cons

- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings

So while I was coming up with these Sam was on the phone. She called Beth (the/my CPN who is now my CCO). Beth said she wanted to speak to me so she then arranged to call me on my phone. She called me on my mobile while I was with Sam. She said Sam was really worried about me. She asked me lots of questions. She asked why I had told Sam. I said I didn't really tell her but she asked if I was still feeling the same and if I had a plan. And I just said yes. I said to Beth that I wish I hadn't said anything. She asked me if I would be willing to meet with her and the Crisis team today and I said I didn't really have a choice in it so I would.

Anyway, Beth called Crisis Team and said someone from Crisis team and herself would be at my house for 4pm. It was 3.25pm and in town still with Sam. Sam said to me she was more than worried about me and she cared about me a great deal. She said we had a good relationship and she cared about what happened. So on the way out Sam gave me a hug and told me it would be ok and things will work out if I work with people. Sam is an amazing person and she ended up cancelling appointments so that she could spend more time with me this afternoon.

 So a rush in to Tesco to get some cigs and then rushed home. Managed to get home and get the dirty pots moved and some air freshener sprayed around. I just thought of some of the houses I visited on my first placement and thought anything is an improvement on those, so they had probably seen a hell of a lot worse.

So Beth turns up with a guy from Crisis team called Matt. He was quite cute actually. Embarrassing.

Beth did most the talking at first. She asked what was going off and how long I had felt like this so I explained to her I had been feeling depressed since the failed attempt, but, I had been having suicidal thoughts for a long time. She asked why I had agreed to meet them if I was so intent on my plans. I said that if I didn't feel as though I had much choice as I would imagine that if I didn't agree they would send the police and they would make me go to hospital on a 136 if I was out when they found me or get a 135 so they could do a MHA. She asked me what I thought the outcome of the MHA would be and I said if I had said what I had said to them and said to them that I could make no guarantees about keeping safe then I would be sectioned.

She asked me if I would consider going in to hospital on an informal basis and I said no. She asked why and I said I had worked in the local big hospital and knew staff and was no way I could go there. She then said they could get an out of area bed and I still said no. I knew what the wards were like, noisy, busy, not nice places. No space for myself, shared rooms, lots of people asking questions. My idea of hell. I need my own space. I can't imagine anything worse than being there in hospital.

They said that they were probably looking at a MHA as I couldn't guarantee that I would be ok until Friday. I said it wasn't in my plans to but I was struggling to hold it together at the moment. I still wouldn't tell them when my plans were. They kept going on and on at me saying that if I was unwilling to work with them then they would be getting people for MHA. I said calling Crisis Team hadn't worked so that was why I didn't want to work with them. I said I wouldn't be calling them again.

I don't know why I just can't lie. Why can't I tell them that "yup, I will call them, I don't have plans anymore etc etc etc". I think it's because lies take effort and energy. Effort and energy I don't have. I don't have the energy in me to hide it. I don't want people involved.

I kept saying over and over how I shouldn't have said anything. I wished I could just be left to get on with things. Beth said that I had said it now and they had a duty of care etc etc etc. That it couldn't be ignored.

Matt asked me a few questions like how long I had been feeling like this, and was backing up what Beth was saying.

They kept asking if I would go informally and I said no.

Anyway, they then said that they needed to have a chat and call a few people so they left the house for a few minutes. I was certain, because I wasn't going to commit to working with them as I have lost my inability to lie that they would come back in saying I needed to have a MHA. But...

They came back in saying that they didn't feel putting me through a MHA would be beneficial to me (as it would probably end up putting me under section) and that I needed to work with them. They said it was my choice whether or not I complied with them. I said I didn't want to and what would happen if I didn't. They didn't say much just that they would cross that bridge if it came to it.

They asked what I would do for the rest of the day and said I should try and do some uni work. I said I didn't really care about that anymore as the only plans I had were to die. I really keep digging myself a hole don't I? I have lost all my fight. I have become the nightmare patient.

Matt asked about my sleeping and I said it wasn't great. He asked last time I had sleeping pills. I said the last time I was prescribed them was about two years ago, but the last time I had them was in Asia last year where you can get them over the counter. I said I didn't have any left. He said he would contact the on call doctor and get some for me. He said it may not be tonight but he would get some arranged.

So they went. Thankfully. I didn't know what else to say. The whole time they were here I couldn't look them in the eye when talking to them. I was reserved, quiet and not like me. I was nervous, I was terrified.

So he has arranged to come out on Friday morning at 10am. He said I need to keep myself safe until then. And call them.

He phoned me again about an hour after they left and said that he was not able to get the zopiclone for tonight but he would get them tomorrow and he would phone me tomorrow and arrange to drop them round.

So how do I feel about it all? I really wish I had not said anything, I feel paranoid that they are going to arrange a MHA and not tell me. Cos to be quite honest if they did I am out of here. I know I would not pass one. I would do a runner and go live in my car somewhere until it's time to go ahead with the plan. So I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't say anything and arranged it. I am expecting a knock at my door any time. But I still have my plans. I am planning on carrying them out just as I planned to. Then none of this will matter!

Waste Of Time

So I called back again like I was told to. Firstly I was transferred to the switch board of the main hospital and had to be asked to be transferred. Spoke to someone called Helen. She was on the night team. The team I spoke to before, had finished.

Basically, I was told it was my decision. It was my choice what I did. And... to take a bath, go for a walk, make a phone call and not use the Internet to research if I took ... what would it do. I know if I took enough of the prescription meds that I have in the house it would work. I know that as I have been stock piling them knowing that they will cause me to go in to a hypo if I take enough. Anyway.

I was told I needed to distract myself. Queue crying as I have been trying that and it's not practical advice. So, I am in more of a mess than I was before.

I told her why I called tonight was because I had plans for another night and tonight wasn't right for me. She didn't really say much. Just that she would fax the CPN, Beth, and let her know I had called.

But, I can say I tried Crisis team. It didn't work and I won't be using them again. I can't see the point. I'm going to try taking triple dose of Quetiapine and hope it knocks me out for the night. If I take the triple dose it's only just over the maximum daily dose. So no big deal. But hopefully it will knock me out.

Even letting isn't helping tonight. It can sometimes make me feel calmer and relaxed but it was just frustrating me as couldn't get a decent vein and when I did it clotted really quickly. Going to get some aspirin tomorrow.

But, I can say I called and that I didn't find it useful. I kinda knew what they would say before I called as they were all the type of things that I would say to patients who came to me and told me they were suicidal. So, I shouldn't have expected much really.

I think the only thing that will work for me tonight is actually something to knock me out. I need a diazepam or a zopiclone but I don't have any. And it's not as though they can just bring one round for me either is it. And there is no way I am going down to the hospital, even if it is only a 10 minute walk away. But it wasn't even suggested anyway.

So it's going to be me self medicating. I just hope that works. I am going to take them now and hopefully in an hour I will be snoring away!

x

I Called

I am going to try and keep this updated as I go through the night. It's a good distraction for me to write...

So I called and spent 30 minutes on the phone. I have to call back in an hour..

The woman was nice. She just said a long the lines of that I may be struggling but there is something in me that makes me not want to. I didn't tell her that was because I was planning and had made plans for another night.

Basically she wants me to call her back in an hour. I told her I tried all the things said. I said I would watch Holby City for the next hour.

I have gathered the needs to try again tonight but it goes against my plans.

I don't know why I am so set on the particular night. I know if I attempt tonight me not turning up to appointments with Sam tomorrow will raise concerns. She knows how I am feeling so she would probably end up calling police if I didn't turn up and didn't answer phone.

So I want to keep my plans for the same. Also. It's planned. I feel easy about it. I don't feel easy about tonight.

EDIT @ 20.20 -

The TV is not really helping distract me. I think the needles are called for.

Crisis Team

I am contemplating calling. I have just turned the house upside down looking for prescription meds. Not a good sign really. But before I called I wanted to know what people's experiences of Crisis team in the UK was and what they are likely to do if you call them when you are feeling suicidal. I don't want to call them if all they are going to suggest is take a walk or have a bath.

Please comment on this one.

xxx

Don't Know What to Do With Myself

Hi,

I'm really struggling at the moment. I don't know what to do with myself. I am having a Pajama day today and I can't relax. I don't know what to do. I try and watch TV but it is not sinking in. I have tried to read, but I can't concentrate on it. I try and write but my words aren't coming out very well. I keep picking up my phone to call someone but I am not sure who to call. I have been given peoples numbers but I can't do anything about it.

The reason I am struggling? Because I have a plan for in a few days, not tonight. So how do I tell someone that? I can't really can I? The reason I won't do it today is because if I leave it until the day I have planned there is more time that will pass without anyone realising that I am not around. So I know it will work. I need the time. So I can't pick up the phone and say I want to kill myself, but the reason I am calling you and I haven't in the past is because I have a plan and doing it now would go against my plans.

I've just realised I have opened this with Hi. I don't know who I am writing it to. No one in particular. I don't even know why I have written this.

I am going to have a shower see if that makes me feel any different. If not then I suppose I can consider Crisis Team. See what they can do.

Thanks

Bye

I Have A Lot To Say, I'm Just Not Sure How To Say It.

I've had a week off from blogging as I was away. I missed it. I felt the need to write. Especially as the week was far from relaxing and in the end I could not wait to get home. That's not to say I hated it all. I had a nice time with my brother and his family, but my Dad ruined it for me.

There have only been two people in my life that have been able to make me regress back to a moody teenager. That's Gom and my Dad. The arguments I have with my Dad that make me want to pick something up and throw it at him. I was the same with Gom. I did used to throw things at him though, but he did it to me also. There were a few times with Gom where he would retaliate and throw something back or hit me back also. Those times I probably deserved it. But there were times where he would throw something at me (numerous occasions) or when he would hit me first, or not as what could possibly be classed self defence. Those times only happened on about 4 occasions. The first time I did call the police. I was hysterical as of what he had done and it was me that they threatened with a Section 5. It was me that had to leave the house, as Gom owned it. Gom was calm and rational with them. I wasn't. And I wasn't going to bring charges against him. It was around the time I first started self harming so I had a feeling that if the police got wind of that in their investigations then I would be made to look the irrational, crazy one with a temper and emotional issues. And, although I was scared for my safety at the time, I was more scared of losing him. I suppose that's pretty typical though.  A month or so after this happened I had a missed call and a voice mail from the police saying they had looked in to it and they would not be taking any further action and they didn't feel that I was at risk.

Anyway, that is not really relevant to where I was going with this post.

But my Dad, he infuriates me so much. He is a chauvinistic pig who believes that everyone should run round after him. He talks to people like shit and if he upsets them then it's their problem and they should not be so sensitive. If someone upsets him, even with the truth, he will go in to a mood for days on end, being really off with all family members and has a every one is against me attitude. He drives me insane. The other day I was at my brothers camp site as I stayed with them for a few nights and he was there getting everyone running around after him. Not once did he get up and get his own drink. My brother got them all for him. He told me to go get him one and my brother stood up for me saying GP is not drinking so why should she go and run around after you. I said that right also, he told me to. Not ask. He has no respect for anyone. Then he layed in to me really loudly on the campsite saying I don't do anything for him, I am lazy and I will never get a boyfriend with the attitude I had. My brother kind of layed in to him for it saying he shouldn't speak to me like that and my Dad's attitude was I shouldn't be so sensitive and I should just deal with it.

My Dad is the same with my Mum. He wont do anything. If he wants something he will get my Mum to go get it for him. All you can hear is "get me this", "get me that", "just go there and get that". It drives me mad. I believe that relationships should be equal, not so one sided. I honestly don't know why my Mum hasn't left him as if he spoke to me like that all the time then I wouldn't stick around if I was his wife.

So it came to a head this morning and he layed in to me again. I just blew up at him saying he stood need to talk as he was the most chauvinistic person I had met and he needed to have a personality transplant as he was vile. He called me childish and told me to grow up. I slammed a door and walked off. If it wasn't for the fact I was relying on them for a lift to the airport I would have buggered off for the day. And the thing is when I am angry I cry. I can't contain it. I hate people seeing me cry as worry people will see it as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is in other people but I hate people to see me cry or to know I have been crying.

I called Sam when I got back to England. I still had a 6 hour travelling time a head of me. She had called me this morning as I had accidentally called her number Friday evening. It's the first number in my phone and the phone doesn't automatically lock. So she called me to check in that everything was ok. I called her back but it went to voice mail and I left a message explaining it was a mistake and I hadn't meant to call her at 10pm on a Friday evening. I also asked her in the voicemail if she could let me know what had been said in the last week with the different services involved.

She called me back quite quickly. The first thing she said was that I sounded really pissed off and down in my message. I explained to her that I was ill (because of my not sleeping at night for the past week and also being up at about 7am every morning, an drinking most nights (actually I left the drinking bit out), I have come down with a cold, it's quite normal for me to get colds and coughs when I have periods of not sleeping and being tired, I think my immune system must be lowered), I was pissed off as of the arguments that morning and I still had a lot of travelling to do. I said I just felt like I could break down crying. I tend to get more emotional when I am tired and ill. She said I could probably do with a good cry. I said that it probably wouldn't do me any favours to be sitting in a waiting room at International Airport and just break down in tears. I said I would probably get a few weird looks. She said go off and find a quiet corner and I said I don't do crying in public. I don't really do crying. Unless it's a film, TV or something like that, or if I am angry. I started to break down a bit on the phone and had to pull my self back.

So, the reason I actually started this post was to talk about the next bit. So sorry if you have gone through all this waffle to now. But I suppose I was just building a picture.

I told Sam that I had thought a bit about the attempt that I made two weeks ago. I said to her that I didn't feel any different and I was still feeling a lot of regret that it didn't work. Which is true. I didn't tell her I am making more plans and I have a day in mind. She asked me if I could go in to a counselling session on Wednesday. I thought she was away on holiday for the next few weeks. Obviously, over the phone is not a good place to be talking about those feelings. Especially given that I was in an airport. So I am going to see her on Wednesday.

I feel as though I have so much to say, but I don't really know what to say and how to say it.

I do wish that my attempt had worked. I have said that much. But. I will do it again. I know when I will do it again also. But that kind of information is enough to get me locked up, so that wont be going any further. I wont lie to her if she asks me. I will ask her what the ramifications of me telling her if I was planning. But then not answer.

She said that what I was feeling about my day was pretty normal, as anyone would be pissed off and worn out with it all. But she said I should think about giving Crisis Team a heads up. I have been referred to them again and I have said that I would think about calling them before things got to that stage again. I have got a lot of people behind me now. But, I don't want them. I have the CPN again who has written to me saying from the end of August I will see her rather than Dr T as there is nothing else that he would do. Sam said she is going to take on the role of CCO. The CPN in the letter said that she had spoken to Sam and was apparent I was struggling at the moment. She said Dr T had made the referral to Crisis team should I need them so that they have relevant information. She has asked Sam to discuss with me what she as CPN can do and what I want her to do. But, if I did not need her or felt I couldn't use her or wanted to wait then that would be fine.

I also have the clinical psychologist working with Sam for me.

I said to Sam, in theory it's great. But I struggle to call in anyone when I should probably be calling them in. I won't talk to anyone. I even struggle to talk to Sam. What makes it easier with her is she can read my body language and tone and she knows how I am feeling. That makes it a bit easier with her when she will say, you look this are you feeling that. And usually she will be spot on and it makes it easier to discuss things. But. I know I should probably be open and honest about this next attempt. But, it's something I want to do. I don't want to be stopped. So I know, I am not going to call in anyone on it. I have all those people offering support but I can't seem to take it.

I think the only time I would possibly call on Crisis team is if I was struggling to hold on until my planned attempt date. I suppose though that that is not really what they are there for. They are there to be phone now, now when I am planning this and I should probably be stopped but I wont.

I have quite a lot of things worrying me at the moment also. That can't help really can it? I am ignoring quite big things as I can't deal with them. But they need dealing with. I need someone to take over my life for me. To organise me, There are a few pressing things that are quite urgent that need to be dealt with but I ignore it as I can't do anything about it. I can't deal with official things at the moment. It is something I could bring up with Sam. She may be able to offer me practicle advice. Although, I think I know what I need to do. And, what does it matter when I am planning on not being around to deal with it anyway.

This has turned in to a really long post so I am going to leave it there. And I am falling asleep with the lap top on my knee.

Night All...

xxx

I am so glad to be home and have my own space again. It's so nice having the house to myself. The quiet is lovely.

New CPN/CCO

I say new but I've never had one before. So not like new as in I had an old one but new as in I have one. I'll name her Beth.

So I met Beth at my GP surgery for he appointment. She kept going on about how it will be short term and what work we will do together. She asked about work I do with Sam and in typical psych fashion asked me about my past and if Sam and I discussed that. I told her how I felt about counselling that I didn't really see any improvement but I found it useful to talk to someone about self harm and I didn't feel like I was shocking someone.

She asked me about the relationship with my family and friends and I explained that it was a good one but I am not open with anyone. I don't like telling people about my thoughts and feelings. I didn't say this but I feel sometimes my thoughts and feelings are possibly maybe out of context and I worry about what people would think if I was open with them.

She asked about patterns with self harm and my moods. I said that there was no trigger and that even when you would expect me to be a mess I am not and I can hold it together. She asked if it was converse and I said not, it was just that there is no pattern to how I am feeling. She asked me what I thought about the self harm etc. I said I was worried that when I am on another low the thoughts of suicide become more prominent. I feel more worthless. When I am relatively stable the thoughts are still regular but not in the way that I am certain I would act on them. When I am lower it is when it is more likely I would act on them. I also mentioned about how I didn't feel that my current methods of self harm were a problem and I wasn't over bothered about them. I don't see it as serious and I don't get why people get in a tiz about it all. I said I wasn't even sure if I wanted to address it. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to stop the self harm. I then went on to say how I felt forced in to somethings as I keep saying no to so much that they are going to force something on me if I don't comply. If I withdraw from services, stop taking medication and rock up in the ED I think it's a sure fire route to Hospitalville on a section 2/3.

Beth kept saying how no one was forcing me to see her. I said I knew that but I still felt as though I didn't have so much choice as there was only so much I will comply with.

She kept trying to push PD services. I don't know how many times I have explained everything to people. If I am honest today just felt like a repetitive session. I just said everything I have said before to other people. I was quite frustrated by it if I am honest.

She did say one thing that did make sense though, kind of, in a way. She said possibly in my not speaking to anyone about anything about thoughts and feelings that perhaps the self harm is a release from what is going on in my head. It's my talking and sharing. I did kind of see some sense in that. I have been looking for some answers about it for a while but her simple analogy here made some sense. She asked what self harm was like. I explained how is a habit. I explained how I have never stopped my self so I don't know what would happen if I did. I suppose that has to do with me being quite mind set on things. If I have my mind set on something then no one can change my mind about things.

Anyway. We discussed the main reason for me having her for a short period of time. That main reason is to try and build some support around crisis situations. I have said numerous times I wont call crisis team when I am going to self harm. The reasons being are that I self harm nearly every night, and that I can't stand the phone. I hate speaking to people on the phone and if I am going to speak about something so personal I need to know the person, and I need to do it face to face and slowly so I can gauge their facial reactions. Like with Sam, I may even spread things out over a couple of appointments. So I don't see how the crisis team can help me.

So, all in all today was I feel a bit repetitive. I suppose in one way the having a possible reason about the self harm has been beneficial. But who knows.

I see Sam tomorrow. I am appointment, appointment, appointment at the moment. I am finding it hard to keep on track with things as I am here there and everywhere.

I'll write again possibly tomorrow after appointment with Sam.
xxx

Bath Time

Why the hell do crisis teams and everyone else suggest you take a bath. I hate baths. I am not a bath person. What is relaxing about wallowing in your own dirty water?

I have noticed it's not just me it is suggested to. From reading other peoples blogs it seems to be the suggested thing. What will a bath do? I'm feeling suicidal, well I'll drown myself, stick a toaster in the bath, etc etc.

It annoys me how they seem to have their standard responses to everything. Another one is go for a walk. OK. It's gone midnight. The area I live in, while it's very middle class, full of doctors, surgeons, professors, lawyers and the like there is also a LOT of crime. When I lived with Gom I lived in an area that was all terraced houses. Yet, for some strange reason I felt safer there. And I have never been a victim of any crime there. Yet, it's funny really. Doing what I am doing now, the drug addicts I work with refuse to live in that area as there are too many drug dealers and a lot of problems. I never saw that. I just thought it was full of will never amount to anything chavs. Yet, where I am now, there is no way I would go out on my own. I hate even going out for a cig at night even though I have a fully secure back garden. So going for a walk is not really an option. And, even during the day it isn't really. I find if I walk, I think. If I think then I get worse. Going for a walk and getting in to my head is really not for the best. Yeah, for some people it may work. You know, that whole take them away from the scene where they may self harm. But not me. I just think about it more while I am walking and then it's worse if I put it off.

Another one I have had...get a pet? I've got one thanks. I love her to bits, but I don't see what benefit it has. Also, I had a cat. He died suddenly. Not good for someone with suicidal tendencies lol! He was a FME though that's police doctor to anyone who doesn't know. It was after the 136 when he was one of the 2 docs (one of which was a psychiatrist) and the AMHP (social worker). The FME was probably more used to dealing with handcuff injuries at the police station than assessing me who is not quite right in the head.

I don't know what all this is. I don't think it's just depression. I don't feel that I meet the criteria for a PD. I don't meet enough of the criteria. Also, although they are not reliable but messing around on those online quiz things it doesn't come up as that either. So what is it?

Sam keeps talking about anxiety. I don't think I am an anxious person. I said I may self harm as a way to relieve the anxiety, but thinking about it I don't feel anxious when I self harm. My self harm is usually planned; if I know I am going to have the house to my self for a couple of days then I will plan on cutting. I have not cut since January. For me cutting is a process that can take hours and I need to know no one is in in case I get disturbed. So I blood let instead. Most nights I spend 5-10 minutes doing it. Sometimes longer if I can't find a vein. I don't feel anxious. Is it habit, is it addiction. Who knows. Sam kept saying how she thought I had come on a long way since starting counselling and that I am able to look more for reasons, rather than just saying I don't know. But I don't know. That's the thing. I just feel stupid saying I don't know as it is my answer for everything. And the way "they" view it all is that a supposedly intelligent girl should be able to have answers, should be looking for answers and have reasons, not just I don't know. But I DON'T KNOW!

Is it an attention thing? Do I like seeing a Psychiatrist and all these other people? Is it some kind of Munchhausen's where the symptoms are easier to make up? Well in truth. No. I don't think it's an attention thing. Surly if it was I would be telling more people about the self harm. But as it is I want to hide it. Hence moving from cutting to blood letting. I see it as a less severe method. No scars, no medical intervention. I honestly don't get what they are getting in to a tiz over it for. It's not like I am turning up at hospital needing treatment for cuts every day. They should be thankful it's not. This way I take up less resources.

I hate having a psychiatrist. I hate not being normal. I hate being reminded of this all the time. My thighs are a mass of scars. My left forearm has scars. I can not help but see them every day. Every day I am reminded that I am not normal. I hate it! I hate it so much it is one of the things that makes me think about suicide. OK, things may not be as low as they are all the time. But it's still there. The thoughts are still pretty much a constant. I watched Anna M earlier ( a French film...really good. It's still on iPlayer on BBC4, well worth a watch) and I admired her courage of jumping out in front of a car. Not a method I would choose but still. But I have the constant reminders that I am not normal. That I am not right in the head as I choose to harm myself by cutting. I am always going to have this. Say I do live until I am 40. Say I have a family, get married, settle down. Every time I go to the loo I am reminded at the way I am. It's shit!

The Munchausens thing? Again. One thing cutting and getting treatment but my way of self harming at the moment is blood letting which I don't require treatment for. If it was that wouldn't I be doing something that required more treatment. A thing that I could possibly do if it was that would be to take small OD's, present at the ED and get bloods, get the psych referral etc etc etc. Please don't read this as I think people who take small OD's only have Munchhausen's.

Munchhausen's is a funny thing. Don't you think it's slightly ironic that the way to treat a disorder which is classed as an attention seeking disorder is by giving that person attention from a psychiatric side. Oh well, just a thought of mine.

Before you say it. I am not pissed. I haven't had a drink even in over a week (wow I sound like an alcoholic saying that lol). I don't know what has set me off on one tonight. I couldn't sleep so watched a film, still couldn't sleep so came on here. And now here I am. This was only going to be a quick moan about "professionals" and their way that they think a person should deal with a crisis. Frankly, I find it patronising. As a supposedly intelligent person, if I found it somewhere in me that I needed to ring crisis line it would be because I can't cope. I would have tried all I can to try and cope. And to be then told, "take a bath, go for a walk", well I would feel like punching them and screaming. I would feel patronised. I think that is why I haven't rang crisis team before. I know what I should be doing and I do it. If it's not worked then I need more input than their stupid, generic responses that they give everyone who is feeling that they are in crisis.

Bloody hell. What has set me off on one tonight?

Challenged

I saw Dr T the Psychiatrist today. I wrote a long post and reply on SF so I thought I would just copy and paste it here. I come back to this and read what I wrote previously. (If you are a reader from SF there is more at the end in this colour that is not on SF).

I saw the Psychiatrist. He challenged on my thoughts etc. I found it really hard. I could see what he was doing though. One of the things he said was "you have come and asked for help. But it seems as though you don't actually want it". He meant that I came to appointments and I was asking to be helped but I am not doing anything to help myself. He said the times when I needed help the most I wasn't seeking it out. I think I can deal with things on my own and file the problem away but really I haven't dealt with it. Like on Friday I was feeling bad, agitated, suicidal etc. I thought I had dealt with it but Saturday went to show I hadn't. He asked me why I wouldn't ring crisis team, I was under their care for a reason and how it looked to him was that I wasn't accepting the help that had been offered.


I explained to him that I thought I could deal with things myself and that I felt pathetic at having to ring them when it is minor things that have got me in to a tizzle. I feel that there are people who are in worse situations who deserve their time and I prefer to try and deal with it on my own. I explained how I found it really hard to speak to people on the phone. Especially people I didn't know. That's why these hot lines don't work for me. If I am talking about something personal I need to see their face to gauge their reactions. I can talk about it on here and my blog as it is anonymous. I said I have a thing of where I get to know someone and then rely on them for support. I said I knew it was unhealthy but I struggle to be open and honest with people I don't know. One of the things that worries me about crisis team is having to explain everything. Having a different person each time and having to tell them everything.

He then went on to say that I couldn't just rely on one or two people. What if they are ill, on annual leave etc. I know what he is saying as I could really do with talking to Sam my counsellor about the weekend but I know she is on annual leave. She said text me if you have any problems but I don't want to disturb her time off. It's not fair on her. I would call Mike at PM but there is nothing they can do as they are assessment only. So that leaves me with no one to call and no one to off load on about what went on at the weekend.

Anyway...plan of action...

Clinical Psychology want to work through the counsellor I already see. The Clinical Psychologist supervises a lot of staff already from that organisation. Dr T said there was a good chance she already knew my case as may have been discussed in supervision...but she wouldn't know me by name. So what they are hoping for is the clinical psychologist to lead Sam in what she does with me. This would work a lot better for me as would mean I didn't have to go to the hospital where I have worked numerous times to go see her and have that risk each time I go and I am limited on when I can see people. I have counselling sessions in the evening after work which works and I only have half a day each week as study leave. So fitting it in around that schedule would be hard and could mean I am waiting weeks if not months for an appointment that would come up when I have that half a day off. He also said it would probably be better for me to work like that as it's obvious I find it hard to trust new people and find it hard to build up that relationship to it means I can continue to work with Sam who I know and don't have the stress of the new person thing. He also said if I was to work with the Clinical Psychologist directly I would have to stop seeing Sam as wouldn't work as approaches may be slightly different.

I am being referred to have a key worker/CPN. I asked him for one quite early on in the appointment and he said that was something he was going to discuss with me as he thought that would be beneficial.

He asked me if I would call crisis team when I am struggling. I find it hard to know when I am struggling and what if any triggers are. He asked me if I thought if they should call me and I said that would be better then I don't have the hurdle of picking up the phone.

He said he could tell I was putting up a lot of barriers and that I wasn't doing myself any favours. I told him about trying to kill myself while I was in hospital. He asked me why. I told him why. He challenged me over that saying I had gone to the hospital for the infection in my leg wanting help. I had gone voluntarily so it was obs something I was concerned about. Yet while I am there I tried to kill myself. He asked why then. I explained that I was struggling. I told him I did even try crisis team but I couldn't get through. I had told the nurse I was also.

He said I didn't try hard enough to get through as all I needed to do was call local hospital switch board and asked to be put through. I thought if I did that it would page them (as the person I did speak to at psychiatric hospital switch board said I needed to call local hospital switch board and they would page them) and I didn't want them rushing down thinking I was going to top myself I just wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to speak to someone. I was really freaking and couldn't self harm which I had tried.

I explained that I saw it as an opportunity for it to look like an accident. He then went on about consequences. Who would have paid them. I said no one. As it would have been an accident and he went on to tell me how wrong I was saying that the nurses would have been found negligent and the ward staff and others on the ward would have paid the consequences. So that made me feel bad. I am already feeling bad about what happened over the weekend and had a shit result back on one of my essays. So yeah not good really.

He asked me to throw my needles away. I was honest and said I wouldn't. I said I knew I would cut more if I did and I saw that as being worse as meant that I required services. And that this was stopping me from cutting. I knew I couldn't throw them away. Not yet. I am not sure if I ever will be able to. Even if I come out of this episode then I will need to have them there as a just in case.

So now I suppose I have to wait for crisis team to get in contact. For CPN/key worker referral to go through and for the next time I see Dr T which will be towards the end of March. So no change really. I am still in the same position. I still feel crap and suicidal. It was noticed today also that I was quiet at work. I just blamed it on being tired.

So I don't really know what I can do now. Not seeing Sam until a week on Wednesday as of her annual leave.

I was asked a couple of questions from other members about being challenged and other support groups...
 
At first I wanted to get up and walk out. But I calmed myself down and saw what he was doing. And to be fair to him I could see his point. So I wasn't going to achieve anything by doing that.


Dr T is ok actually. I wasn't keen at first but today my opinion changed of him. I can see where he is coming from and see what he is getting at. And looking at what he is doing from a professional point of view I get it and agree. It's just that I don't like being challenged and can become quite defensive. But in his position I would be doing exactly what he is.

In terms of groups etc...I wont do them. I know I posted yesterday about people asking for help and when people were suggesting things they kept knocking them back. And being in agreement with the person who wrote something quite controversial about a person and I agreed with them. I realise I am being that way also. Having asked for help and not prepared to listen. I have reasons for not doing groups or even going to certain places. The first being is that because of what I am doing and what I have done. I work in social care. I don't want to risk coming across my own service users. I have already experienced meeting service users when I have been in the waiting room at the psych offices. Then I have seen social workers who I have been in contact with through work while I have been waiting. I can't risk people I work with seeing me and either finding out what has been going on. The other thing about groups is I can't talk to people. I can't unless I am in a private place, there is no chance of others over hearing and I know that person. I need to feel some kind of connection to that person for me to be able to tell them anything.

Yes I can tell someone who is from psych medicine, a nurse who I have never met that I self harm, that recently has got worse and I feel low. But that is about as far as it goes. I don't tell people about me. Nothing about my thoughts or what goes through my head. Yesterday with the nurses on 136 suite I was able to tell a little bit more to as I spent 8 hours there. He didn't push me and he was really good...and it was a he!!!! For some strange reason I am able to talk to blokes better than I can women.
I want to build a support circle. Not a social one. This is all private to me. To friends it is scary and they don't understand. It scares them. I don't want to push them away. I did that a couple of years back and went a year without seeing a lot of my friends. I am different to my friends in the fact that I self harm. It's not something I expect them to understand or that I even want them to. I want my friends for going out with, having fun with. I am the strong one. I am the one who has worked in psychiatric places, I am the one who is working towards a career in an area which involves mental health. I am the one they ask advice from. I am the one who is strong. I don't want people worrying about me. I want to be able to talk to someone and not shock them with what I have to say or make them overly worry. For me having worked in psychiatric care I know within those circles self harm and mental health is something that is discussed every day. I have worked with people who have done shocking things (eg..woman's private place also known as a hidey hole - gross I know but some of the stories I have you would never believe), I know in that client group I am normal! I am not over worried about. Mental health is so stigmatised and I don't want my family and friends thinking I am different as they would do if they knew what was going on. I don't want to feel any more "strange" than I already do. It's bad enough me dealing with it without making other people deal with it. I want a professional support circle as within that I am normal. Here I am normal and anonymous.

And to be honest I don't think I have any friends who I could confide like that. I don't have any really close friends any more. I used to. But since 2008 when I cut myself off I have never really got back the closeness and not been able to confide in them. And as awful as it sounds I am embarrassed by myself and the feelings I have.

So tonight. I thought I would try and talking to a friend. I thought I would be able to have a chat properly and try and be honest. See what a good friend I am I didn't even know her grand dad died only last week. I couldn't off load on her when she has that to deal with. This friend Raq, I let her read my diary a couple of years ago and it was after that I cut off contact. I was embarrassed by it. I am embarrassed by myself. So I decided I wasn't going to say anything. She asked me if I had been on any dates recently as we usually have a good laugh about the nutters I have met on line. I just said I haven't even bothered. She asked why not and I just said my head wasn't in the right place. She asked me if I was bad again. I said yeah. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I mentioned the counsellor first and then told her that was seeing a psychiatrist. I haven't said anything else and I changed the subject or gone in to any detail. I don't want to tell people I know. I just don't want to let anyone close to me at the moment.

 The drive helped though. I had the music on really loud and when I was driving along I was screaming out the songs. Especially the Fuck You song by Cee Lo Green. In my own selfishness of being depressed etc I have let my friendships go to pot. They don't even contact me to let me know someone close has died.

I am also in a bit of a mess as I had some marks back today from work I have done at uni. I was expecting a good mark and I only just passed. It's the second essay I have had back. I passed the first one but again only just. I put so much time and effort in and only just passing them. It really makes me wonder if I am cut out to be doing a Masters. In my degree I never really cared that much. I didn't put effort in and would leave doing the essay until the day before it was due in. And I was still getting better marks. I don't mind getting average marks when I don't put effort in. But when I put loads of effort in and still only get average grades it really is making me question if I am doing the right thing. Should I have done the undergraduate course instead? So been feeling shit about that, the psychiatrist appointment and just everything in general really. I don't know how much more I can take. I am starting to feel and think "WHAT IS THE POINT". Yeah sure I will be good at the job, hopefully unless I royally screw up. But there are plenty of other great social workers out there. I am sure some of the ones I am training will be amazing. So I will be one less. So what!

As I said to them in the MHA assessment on Sunday, the course is the one positive thing, the one thing that keeps me going,

Dr T said he was glad I wasn't sectioned. He did say also that being hospital isn't best for me at the moment. At the MOMENT. So does that mean if it carries on it would be?  He also said if I went in it would be a matter of weeks for full assessment. He doesn't know that I spend a lot of time researching methods. He doesn't know it's one of those things that I always think about. It is taking over my life. I have told Sam. But as I don't have a definite plan then she can't say anything to anyone. But if they knew just how much it was going through my head and there is only one thing that is keeping me going then what would they do? I think his biggest concern is that I don't speak to anyone. That I only really speak to Sam about things and I need to learn to ask for help when I am in Crisis Point. I don't want to ask for help when I feel like that. I worry it will be seen as attention seeking. I really don't think I will be calling anyone from that team. If I want to SH I will usually. I really don't know what I am going to do!

Why I Do This - (and other musings....I like musing you see)

I am a member on www.suicideforum.com and use this quite a bit when I feel bad. I blurt out all I am thinking and what is going through my head and I get support from other people who have been in the same position. I think it's a really good idea. When I am not feeling as bad I am often one of the people that provides support to others.

It's kinda like what the NHS does with some mental health services. It encourages people who have experienced their own mental health demons to apply for jobs. If you think about it, imagine you are sectioned in a hospital. You are feeling suicidal and can't see a way out. Now who would you most likely want to take advice from...some person who has never had any problems with their mental health, they may be a lovely person, good at their job, but really do they know what they are going on about? Or, the person who has been there themselves. That can turn around and say "actually, I do understand how you are feeling as I have been there myself".  I have actually found working in mental health most of the staff I have met through the work I have done have had their own problems. One of my closest friends through work self harms, has attempted suicide, has had eating disorders, has depression and fights her own demons. Another friend was sectioned and was placed in one of the hospitals I work in. I went in to mental health as of my own experiences. I chose Social Work as a career as of the SW I used to see a couple of years back. He was amazing. Ok sort of gone off course there.

Anyway, I have been using SF quite a bit recently as I have not been doing well at all. I have never had any problems with it until yesterday when one guy made some horrible comments such as

" You are a drain on society"
"You are a waste of space"
"You are wasting everyone time"
You, only do it for the attention hence writing on here and keeping a blog".

He wrote quite a lot of hurtful abusive comments about the self harm and that anyone who does it only does it for attention.

Well I was quite upset about it and it really made me question if using those forums was the best thing to do. I spoke to a few other users and made me feelings known to them that I was upset and he had made me question if I was doing the right thing in using them.

It also made me think about why I blog and why I use SF.

I remain anonymous on here. I don't know if people will actually read this. I know no one I know would do. I did mention to one friend that I blogged and she wanted the address and I said there was no way I was telling her. I use this as a diary. A sounding board to get my thoughts blurted out on. It helps me keep it together. I use it as a distraction technique for when I am feeling like I want to harm it keeps me away from it. Also, if by some chance someone does read it, someone who doesn't self harm and has all these misconceptions about it, well I hope that by being brutally honest about it it will help them have a better understanding. Sometimes I just write on here as I just feel like writing.

I use SF in a slightly different way. Sometimes I need support. One of my issues is that I am overly bothered about peoples perceptions of me. So if I am struggling, if I do something then I can't tell them. Even the professionals who I have met numerous occasions I can't even be honest with them. In fact, there is stuff that I have not even written about on here as I am worried about peoples perceptions. I like to be liked. But then don't we all. But I will do anything to ensure that I am liked. I will go out of my way to help people and not accept anything for it. I really struggled at first working in mental health when patients didn't like me. It took me ages to get over it and realise that they didn't like me as I wouldn't let them have something they could self harm with, or just that I was seen as a professional, one of them! It took me ages to realise it wasn't actually me they didn't like, it was what I was doing. Anyway, with SF I use it to blurt. To voice my thoughts and get feedback on them. Short, not thought out thoughts. I know it doesn't look like it but I do actually think about what I say on here. If looking for advice it attention seeking, then maybe I do that.

Another thing about this self harm thing, no one close to me knows the true extent of it. I have friends who know it's something that happened in the past, friends who don't have a clue that I ever have, friends who know it's something that has happened recently. But no one knows the true extent of things. I don't talk about it with people. If a friend asks me about it I change the subject. I don't like talking about it with people I know. I know there will come a time when I know Sam and Mike better and I will close off to them. No one who knows me knows that I spend my time trawling the net looking at ways I can die that will be a) painless b) quick c) look like an accident d) wont leave someone else thinking it was their fault (so rules out falling in front of a train as it approaches the platform) e) doesn't require an act of bravery on my part as I am a wuss.

So yeah, I have quite a lot of criteria there. I am a wuss. I really am. Although I plan the OD's I always drink before taking them.

So why do I self harm?

I really don't know. I know while doing it I get a rush. It's better than sex (maybe I do need a new boyfriend and sex may help slow down the self harm a little lol). The feeling of the slicing of the flesh. It's like releasing something and I can feel it escape. The cutting is quite a long drawn out process for me. For instance last week I was there 4-5 hours cutting my leg and I didn't realise where the time had gone. I go in to a disassociative state where I lose track of time. It was quite bad last week and it is usually only a couple of hours. When I blood let that is a quick fix. It takes about 30 minutes when I do it properly. There is something about seeing the blood coming out the needle which makes me feel as though I have smoked a spliff. When I want a quicker fix it's just about 5-10minutes of it.

I have been asked so many times about my childhood by different therapists, doctors etc that I have questioned it. I have always before been of a very it's a very freudian way of therapy wanting to relate it to childhood. But the more and more I get asked it the more I think, maybe just maybe those few incidents have had a much bigger impact on me than I realised. I have never shared them with anyone. I am not sure if I will do on here one day.

So my last question is...When do you call in crisis team?

They gave me their number on Monday. I was told I could call them 24/7. But why would I call them. Because I am thinking of cutting, because I am thinking of death? Well I'd never be off the phone would I? Then perhaps when you have made the decision you are going to cut, made the decision you are going to OD yet again. Well, I know myself. Once I have made that decision I will not tell anyone as I will not want anyone interfering with my plans. So the number is sitting there and I wonder, when exactly would I call them? And, I have already opened up to Sam and partly to Mike. I don't want to speak to yet another person who I don't know. I don't want to have to keep explaining over and over again. So for these reasons, I really don't think I will be calling them or making any use of their services.