Wednesday, 6 July 2011


Shit news first...

I put a pound on. So I am now 16'11 (total loss 3lb)

I think it's because the two weeks previous I had not been careful and my birthday weekend and alcohol consumption just caught up with me. So even though I was really careful last week I put a lb on. I would hate to imagine what it would be if I hadn't have been careful. So this week I am going to try even harder. I am going to a gig tomorrow. The White Lies are playing and so I am going to see them. Beyond excited. But I will be dancing and singing a long so hopefully that will help me shed some weight.

I am not doing too well really at this Fat Club. I really need to step up a gear. I finish placement next week so hopefully I can be a bit more active. After all I have a park for a back garden. I should make sure I use it.

Anyway, on to other news.

Had first appointment with Sam in about 4 weeks. I didn't tell her about the cutting. But we did discuss Vince. And she embarrassed me when she asked why I would be bothered about the scars as why would he see them. Knowing fully well. And thus making a prude me embarrassed. Yes. I can write about very personal things. But sex...well it makes me embarrassed. I know kind of pathetic. She was then teasing me about when my parents go away and what that will mean. I think I may have gone a little red. Anyway, she seemed to probe quite a bit about Vince. In a nice way, kind of, this is going to sound stupid but a friend getting the gossip.

She can read me so well. And she is so honest about what she thinks. It's kind of worrying. I suppose she needed to be. If I felt someone was keeping something from me I wouldn't say anything to them. But she will come right out with it. For instance, she has asked me numerous times to write just before I cut/let so I can write about my feelings so perhaps we can see if there is any pattern. She asks me quite often, well at every appointment if I have thought any more on doing it.

This week she asked me again. When I said no, as I didn't really think about my feelings that much I just don't do it. She came out with, " I get the feeling it's somewhere you don't want to let me in". I was dead honest with her and said she had hit the nail on the head. I then went on to explain how I don't talk about my thoughts. I believe some thoughts should remain private to yourself and not share them. I said I don't want to open for people to see.

 I suppose but I didn't say it at the time is that I don't want to be so vulnerable. I don't even write my thoughts on here, as, I am a firm believer some thoughts should just be that and not voiced. I also said part of me felt like this because of having worked in mental health services I have seen bad practice where things are mentioned to other people where it doesn't need to be mentioned or people may have a bit of a giggle at what the person has said. Or, they would underestimate the importance of what someone has said. I don't want to be that person that someone discounts, has a giggle at etc etc. And, some of my thoughts are kind of stupid and I don't want to share those. I want to keep part of me private. I don't want people knowing everything about me and how I think, what I think about. My thoughts should be private and I don't want people knowing about them.

I suppose here though you could say what is the point in therapy. And if I am honest I would have to agree with you on this. I suppose I have been quite open with Sam but there is something holding me back and if I am honest I don't think I will be able to overcome. So, what does that mean for me? Does it mean I am wasting my time?

Also, another bit of being honest here...I don't know what I think before I self harm. I am not aware of my thoughts. So I suppose that is why I should write before self harming. It's not like I crave it, or I feel I need to do it for a purpose. The thought comes in to my head and I do it. It's like having a chocolate bar. You want one you have one. You want one, you know you shouldn't, but you do it anyway. OK, weird analogy there but, does that make sense to anyone?

I don't know where I am going to go from here. I am still thinking of suicide even though at the moment things are as stable as they have been in well over a year. But, I know like always at some point I will go down and go bad again. I can't cope with that. You may think I am being a pessimistic fool, I admit I am a pessimist, but it does seem to come in cycles where I will be ok-ish for a while but then take a dip where I will be down, low, depressed what ever you wanna call it for a few weeks at a time. Stable for a couple of weeks, hit a high and who knows how long that will last. The thing that brought me out the last one was being dosed up on morphine and dihydrcodeine. It knocked me out. That was after about 2-3 weeks of being on a high. I can't cope with these stages, these cycles.

Does still contemplating suicide and having a kind of plan put together for in about 4 weeks mean that I am depressed and not acknowledging it? Or according to Dr T, chronic feelings of emptiness what ever that is supposed to mean. I get the feeling as I manage somehow to function when I am low, depressed what ever it is, it is not taken as seriously and they are saying it's not depression. I think in their eyes they want me to be in bed for a week in a dark room and all the other stereotypical depressive symptoms before they will say..."yes, you have depression". But because some how I can drag myself in to placement or uni, that means I am not depressed as it doesn't fit in with what a depressed person should be! And therefore, because I can half function and I self harm it is a personality disorder.

Anyway, rant over. I am sure you don't want to read more about my thoughts and feelings on this whole diagnosis palaver!!!!

Off to bed now to watch Waterloo Road on catch up.


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