Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Waste Of Time

So I called back again like I was told to. Firstly I was transferred to the switch board of the main hospital and had to be asked to be transferred. Spoke to someone called Helen. She was on the night team. The team I spoke to before, had finished.

Basically, I was told it was my decision. It was my choice what I did. And... to take a bath, go for a walk, make a phone call and not use the Internet to research if I took ... what would it do. I know if I took enough of the prescription meds that I have in the house it would work. I know that as I have been stock piling them knowing that they will cause me to go in to a hypo if I take enough. Anyway.

I was told I needed to distract myself. Queue crying as I have been trying that and it's not practical advice. So, I am in more of a mess than I was before.

I told her why I called tonight was because I had plans for another night and tonight wasn't right for me. She didn't really say much. Just that she would fax the CPN, Beth, and let her know I had called.

But, I can say I tried Crisis team. It didn't work and I won't be using them again. I can't see the point. I'm going to try taking triple dose of Quetiapine and hope it knocks me out for the night. If I take the triple dose it's only just over the maximum daily dose. So no big deal. But hopefully it will knock me out.

Even letting isn't helping tonight. It can sometimes make me feel calmer and relaxed but it was just frustrating me as couldn't get a decent vein and when I did it clotted really quickly. Going to get some aspirin tomorrow.

But, I can say I called and that I didn't find it useful. I kinda knew what they would say before I called as they were all the type of things that I would say to patients who came to me and told me they were suicidal. So, I shouldn't have expected much really.

I think the only thing that will work for me tonight is actually something to knock me out. I need a diazepam or a zopiclone but I don't have any. And it's not as though they can just bring one round for me either is it. And there is no way I am going down to the hospital, even if it is only a 10 minute walk away. But it wasn't even suggested anyway.

So it's going to be me self medicating. I just hope that works. I am going to take them now and hopefully in an hour I will be snoring away!



Pandora said...

Oh for Christ's sake. How pathetic! I'm sorry they were rubbish.

OK, this is going to sound insanely patronising especially given your studies, but I'll risk it anyway. Prescription medication can, of course, kill you - but by all accounts, unless you've figured out very specific drugs and have them in very specific quantities, ODs of this nature cause horrible, horrible deaths - or, arguably even worse, life with serious illness, including liver failure. Which I suppose still comes under the bracket of 'horrible death', but it takes days, or even weeks.

I spend about 18 months on a pro-choice newsgroup and learnt all this stuff there - they had chemists and doctors and so on post, so I felt trusting of their advice. When it came to my own intended demise last October, and again earlier this year, I elected to use one of the (more) peaceful methods they 'recommended'.

For what it's worth, I'm glad I didn't GP through with it - but I know from experience that you don't want to hear such platitudes right now. Just, for the time being at the very least, stay safe. I hope you can find someone else who can help you, because you deserve to live - not exist, but live.

Hope I'm not making things worse. I care, that's all.


P x

La-reve said...

sorry Crisis were rubbish I should have warned you that they finish at 9pm and they dont come out after 8pm and then they usually make appointments for next day. Trust is rubbish and not sure ED would be of any help would send you home and tell you hey will contact your cpn. they have sent me home after overdoses and being picked up by police before. You can mail me if you like I dont like to think of people on there own in times of trouble and I would be happy to meet you anytime for a coffee and chat to try and distract. I drive. Please try and look after yourself.

Lothlorien said...

So sad....
I hope that you find some support, or at least can find sleep to carry you to the next day.
As tough as these feelings are, they do eventually fade, or at least change in intensity over time. I have just found your blog through a Blog Carnival article, so I do not know you at all really, but I can identify with your pain.

Hang in there.


Pixie said...

You are not alone on the crisis team front. Mine are also dire. Some people in certain areas seem to have amazing teams. I could go on forever about them, but I won't. As long as you are safe, that is all that is important. Hopefully somebody will be on the ball enough to give you a call tomorrow to see how you are doing. Thinking of you, Golden.

x Pixie