That's what came out of the psychology session last Friday.
He basically came out with that as a child, he didn't think my emotional needs were met, which is one of the main reasons why I have the problems that I do now. I was quite shocked and he really hit a nerve with me. As he was saying it, he stopped and asked if I was ok? Then he said he could see I wasn't and that he wasn't sure whether or not to carry on with where he was going as he was aware I was doing well at the moment and didn't want to bring me down. I said to him, while it was hard hearing it and I was struggling with it, I would rather do the hard stuff now and get it out the way now when I can better deal with it. I am more likely to come home, process it and not do anything with it than when I am low. If I am low I get a "what's the point" attitude and cause harm to myself. But, it was a really hard session and I was feeling a bit shit after.
So I saw R Friday night and he kept me awake all night with his snoring and his moving around in his sleep was causing me to do things in my half sleep. So, by the time Saturday morning rolls around I am very irritated and don't want him any where near me at all. All night he has been snoring and wanting to have his arms round me. I was really irritated by him and didn't want him anywhere near me. So I faked ill. I really played the dying girl act, I wanted him to go home and give me some time to myself. We were supposed to be spending the day together but everything just pissed me off.
I've got a few concerns about the whole relationship with him. A few worries. There's a few early signs that are bothering me. So much so I am going to contact the police and talk to them about this Clare's Law. I don't know if it's because my Mum planted the seed and I have told my friend this and then every thing I look for there is something. But surly, it's better to be safe than sorry?
I am worried about him as well. I don't want to hurt him. I have said to my friend I am going to give it a few weeks and see where things lie then. I am aware that he hasn't got anyone else so I don't want to end it with him before Xmas, and it's his birthday in January, so if I still have all my doubts I will end it then. But there is a niggling doubt at the back of my mind that some things aren't right and I am not getting the whole truth.
I'm just going to see how things pan out with it. I am worried that it's me who is being more accepting of it and blind to it because he seems to accept me for who I am. He knows about the scars and what caused them. And because of that there is some underlying fear that I won't get anyone else and because he is accepting, to hold on to it. I don't think it's a conscious thought, but part of me is worried it's an unconscious thing. But also another unconscious thing could be that I am trying to pick fault with everything and am picking it a part. It scares me because I don't know my own mind. I don't understand myself and what's going on. I used to be so self assured, but I am not anymore. I don't know myself anymore. And that is scary!
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
Thursday, 21 April 2011
High Blood Pressure.
I had to go get my BP checked today as I am taking the pill for PCOS. It was not good. 166/105. Too high. Much too high. I don't understand it. I think it's the situation I am in and getting false results. When I have been in hospital my BP has always been pretty average at around 115/70. Yet when I go to get it checked specifically I am getting high results.
I am quite worried about it as the pill works. That combined with the Metformin XR. It seems to be controlling it and I am happy with the way it works and I have the bonus of contraception. OK. I am not in a relationship. But I have been known to have been a little silly and have one night stands. Have one night stands and not use protection. I know stupid. I have been checked for STI's though and all is ok. I don't make a habit of ONS'. While travelling there were 3. One (I think) of whom was unprotected. I am almost sure I used protection with the other 2. With the last guy I def did as he went out to get them. But the first guy I have a vague recollection of using a plastic bag to pick up the condom after. But there was only one and I think we did it more than once. And. Latin American guys do not live up to their reputation of being good lovers.
Anyway. By the by I got checked when I got back and I am ok on the STI front.
But, it does worry me. I have done it before. Will I do it again. I know there is the morning after pill but I don't wanna do the walk of shame. I don't plan on having unprotected sex in the near future. But I like being on the pill. I really don't want to come off it. So I am worrying about it now. I don't want the coil again as there is no way I can go through that pain again. And. It made me really heavy. I like how the pill works.
I am thinking about asking my Doc for some diet pills on prescription. I want to lose weight and I know that being over weight does not help the symptoms of PCOS. Also it is one of those things that get me down also. I have written about it before. On a good note though...I have lost around 10kg, or about a stone and a half in the last year without even trying. I can't afford to join a gym. And I don't have time. I also get bored really quickly. I would like to start playing badminton again but I can't while I have the needle in my arm as it bloody hurts. I have 2 friends who will do it with me so means I can play 2x a week. I have tried so many times to lose weight before and I have failed or I have put it back on. I have tried weight watchers and slimming world but I lose motivation really quickly.
I was thinking next time I go I would ask him if I could have some pills or something. I'll try and argue my point by saying I know it's expensive now but surly in the long run it may be better for me and will save costs. Depends if my surgery subscribe to the same spend money now save it later theory that I do.
Mentally. I am still pretty much the same. I was wondering if the way I was could impact my BP. I mentioned it to the nurse and she didn't really say much. I tried to explain that I wasn't feeling anxious. I don't know how to describe it. I was sort of hoping she would make me see the doc today and I could get me some benzos see if that would bring me down a bit. I hope it's just a matter of snapping out of it all of a sudden should I take some magic wonder drug. I like medication. You can probably tell. I have written about it before. If I can take medication, it's medical therefore I can stop blaming myself or I can attribute it to other things that are not behavioural.
I think I have decided to go down the Adults route. I was speaking to a Social Worker today on the phone. I was talking to her about my choices and that I was currently on placement. We then had a lengthy discussion on how the eligibility criteria of providing care is being raised in all councils. Currently the law states that if I person is assessed as needing and eligible for a service the local authority has to provide it. We were saying about how a people are not getting worse and worse before they meet the criteria. Also how people who previously met it and were receiving services are now having their services withdrawn as the eligibility criteria is rising and so they are now longer eligible. That's the government for you.
I think I have decided I am going to vote Labour come May 5th. Not that it will change national government but it will impact on what group run the local council. I have always seen myself until recently as being quite a Conservative person. But. I think I was led by my parents and what they said. For them being wealthy business people it is better for them. But for me now, not just in what I am going in to but because I have seen how the cuts are drastically effecting people, I think Labour would be better. But. I do have concerns around it as I wonder if a different government would have got in to do much debt and have let the bankers continue as they were?
Enough politics, as I don't really know what the hell I am going on about.
I've got a nice massage, manicure and facial booked in for the same day as my appointment with Dr T. Sam is coming with me to the appointment with him. I don't really know what to say about how things have been. As, in a way I am feeling not as depressed. I am happier. But I am niggled by people's comments saying it's mania, hypomania etc. I know things aren't quite right at the moment. I want my concentration back. In a way I would rather be lower in mood and be able to concentrate and focus and not have a kabillion (yeah I know it's a made up number but it's bigger than a million and a billion and no it's not a trillion) thoughts going through my head at the same time. OK when I think a hell of a lot more, well, it's all the time nearly, of suicide. That worries me. Am I likely to act on it. Also I have it where I am having the suicidal thoughts but they are coming in at a kabillion mph. What happens when I can't control it. I think maybe, I am not sure if I am just low I have more control. Things are slow. When I am like this I don't have control. It does scare me as I am worried I will flip from being hyper to being massively suicidal. So what is for the best really?????
Help!!!!!
I am quite worried about it as the pill works. That combined with the Metformin XR. It seems to be controlling it and I am happy with the way it works and I have the bonus of contraception. OK. I am not in a relationship. But I have been known to have been a little silly and have one night stands. Have one night stands and not use protection. I know stupid. I have been checked for STI's though and all is ok. I don't make a habit of ONS'. While travelling there were 3. One (I think) of whom was unprotected. I am almost sure I used protection with the other 2. With the last guy I def did as he went out to get them. But the first guy I have a vague recollection of using a plastic bag to pick up the condom after. But there was only one and I think we did it more than once. And. Latin American guys do not live up to their reputation of being good lovers.
Anyway. By the by I got checked when I got back and I am ok on the STI front.
But, it does worry me. I have done it before. Will I do it again. I know there is the morning after pill but I don't wanna do the walk of shame. I don't plan on having unprotected sex in the near future. But I like being on the pill. I really don't want to come off it. So I am worrying about it now. I don't want the coil again as there is no way I can go through that pain again. And. It made me really heavy. I like how the pill works.
I am thinking about asking my Doc for some diet pills on prescription. I want to lose weight and I know that being over weight does not help the symptoms of PCOS. Also it is one of those things that get me down also. I have written about it before. On a good note though...I have lost around 10kg, or about a stone and a half in the last year without even trying. I can't afford to join a gym. And I don't have time. I also get bored really quickly. I would like to start playing badminton again but I can't while I have the needle in my arm as it bloody hurts. I have 2 friends who will do it with me so means I can play 2x a week. I have tried so many times to lose weight before and I have failed or I have put it back on. I have tried weight watchers and slimming world but I lose motivation really quickly.
I was thinking next time I go I would ask him if I could have some pills or something. I'll try and argue my point by saying I know it's expensive now but surly in the long run it may be better for me and will save costs. Depends if my surgery subscribe to the same spend money now save it later theory that I do.
Mentally. I am still pretty much the same. I was wondering if the way I was could impact my BP. I mentioned it to the nurse and she didn't really say much. I tried to explain that I wasn't feeling anxious. I don't know how to describe it. I was sort of hoping she would make me see the doc today and I could get me some benzos see if that would bring me down a bit. I hope it's just a matter of snapping out of it all of a sudden should I take some magic wonder drug. I like medication. You can probably tell. I have written about it before. If I can take medication, it's medical therefore I can stop blaming myself or I can attribute it to other things that are not behavioural.
I think I have decided to go down the Adults route. I was speaking to a Social Worker today on the phone. I was talking to her about my choices and that I was currently on placement. We then had a lengthy discussion on how the eligibility criteria of providing care is being raised in all councils. Currently the law states that if I person is assessed as needing and eligible for a service the local authority has to provide it. We were saying about how a people are not getting worse and worse before they meet the criteria. Also how people who previously met it and were receiving services are now having their services withdrawn as the eligibility criteria is rising and so they are now longer eligible. That's the government for you.
I think I have decided I am going to vote Labour come May 5th. Not that it will change national government but it will impact on what group run the local council. I have always seen myself until recently as being quite a Conservative person. But. I think I was led by my parents and what they said. For them being wealthy business people it is better for them. But for me now, not just in what I am going in to but because I have seen how the cuts are drastically effecting people, I think Labour would be better. But. I do have concerns around it as I wonder if a different government would have got in to do much debt and have let the bankers continue as they were?
Enough politics, as I don't really know what the hell I am going on about.
I've got a nice massage, manicure and facial booked in for the same day as my appointment with Dr T. Sam is coming with me to the appointment with him. I don't really know what to say about how things have been. As, in a way I am feeling not as depressed. I am happier. But I am niggled by people's comments saying it's mania, hypomania etc. I know things aren't quite right at the moment. I want my concentration back. In a way I would rather be lower in mood and be able to concentrate and focus and not have a kabillion (yeah I know it's a made up number but it's bigger than a million and a billion and no it's not a trillion) thoughts going through my head at the same time. OK when I think a hell of a lot more, well, it's all the time nearly, of suicide. That worries me. Am I likely to act on it. Also I have it where I am having the suicidal thoughts but they are coming in at a kabillion mph. What happens when I can't control it. I think maybe, I am not sure if I am just low I have more control. Things are slow. When I am like this I don't have control. It does scare me as I am worried I will flip from being hyper to being massively suicidal. So what is for the best really?????
Help!!!!!
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Letter to Gom - Pt2
I dream about you most nights. I wake up in tears having re-lived in my dreams what I went through last year. I don't know how I managed to hold it together. I did go travelling with a plan of not coming home. I was reckless. I put myself in situations that could have been dangerous to me. I got wasted on mushrooms and weed and alcohol and went swimming in a river. Raq was with me and enlisted the help of others to get me back safely. I just thought at the time, let me go. I don't care. I want to die.
It's stupid how much I still love you. There are so many things I hate about you.
You are so tight with money
You don't mind living in what resembles student accommodation
You wouldn't have the heating on when it was cold
The pants you used to wear. Old man boxers!
Having to plan meals out on a Sunday and then get really moody with me when I didn't feel like it that night.
You got angry over small things.
You are an old man who never wanted to do anything.
Routine!
Our sex life was crap.
What turned you on really freaked me out. I would try and change it so the control thing was more bondage like but what you like was just weird.
You thought wanking was ok when I was around - do you have any idea how much that used to hurt my feelings.
You never wanted to try anything new in our sex life.
I could never stay up later than you as you say you couldn't sleep knowing that I was going to bed.
You got mardy with me when I wanted to sit with my feet on sofa - having laminate flooring and a cold house anyway meant I got really cold legs all the time and needed to sit with them up. Also I was not like you. I could not sit upright and not move. I like to sprawl out.
Your lack of understanding or trying to understand about my mental health.
I am sure there are many more. There are things I loved about you also.
You made me laugh.
Our bed time routine of having a few minutes of talk with no tv nothing and going over each of our days. We would then spoon for a while and then both turn our backs to each other and get as far away as possible from each other as we both like our space when we sleep.
Your stupid little bets...how one night you bet me you would be able to sleep with a ladder from a bunk bed between us. I won. I can sleep anywhere in any situation.
Our stupid talk.
Little in jokes.
You were always quite generous with me. When it came to birthdays and xmas you weren't tight with my presents.
You got me interested in travelling
You were my best friend. I didn't just lose my boyfriend when we broke up I lost my best friend. OK I wasn't honest with you about the self harm etc. You knew when I cut but you don't know that there were over doses that were nearly everyweek. I lost your family. I loved your family as much as I loved my own. They were my family also. I was with you such a long time. I miss your family so much. I lost my cat. You brought my him when I overdosed for the first time. The first time that was serious and with intent to die anyway. I called him my suicide cat. I couldn't take him with me as he was a bit violent towards other animals. But he was a big softy with humans. He was a stroking whore and would go to anyone who would stroke him. He would run to the door when it went to see who was there and he would meet you like a dog does when you come home from work. He used to beg for food also. He was a strange cat and I miss him like mad.
It's quite hard for me knowing you have moved LD in now. I chose that house with you. I helped you make all the changes we made. It was my home. I hated the way you always used to say things like it's my house, OK, you owned it but it was my home also. I lost everything in such a short space of time.
I don't think you will ever have any idea in to how much you hurt me.
Remember when we were in Australia. We both used to have dreams that we were back home and we used to wake up relieved that we were still in Australia. Well, I have dreams like that now. I dream we get back together. In the dream I know it is wrong and I wake up relieved that it's not true.
I would like to ask you why you tried to stay in contact with me. Why did you give me money for my birthday when you were with LD. You sent me pointless emails and things up until recently about small things that I couldn't care less about or asking me something. I would like to think you were wanting to stay in touch some how. Testing the waters. I have been really strong this time. I am not going to chase you anymore. The amount of times we broke up and I kept forcing the issue and we would end up getting back together. I wonder if I hadn't have done if things would have changed about how I feel now.
I know we shouldn't be together. I know we were not right as a couple. I am too bolshy and outgoing where as you prefer the quiet life. Also you couldn't handle the mental health problems could you. You didn't understand. You never really tried to either.
I went from being a child to being an adult while I was with you. I have a lot to thank you for. I genuinally do. But I have a lot to resent you for. I don't think these feelings will go anytime soon either. I am sorry for the hurt I caused you. I am sorry that we lost each other. In a way I am sorry we met.
I think you will always have a place in my heart though. As much as I hate you at the moment I think a small part of me will always love you.
xxxx
It's stupid how much I still love you. There are so many things I hate about you.
You are so tight with money
You don't mind living in what resembles student accommodation
You wouldn't have the heating on when it was cold
The pants you used to wear. Old man boxers!
Having to plan meals out on a Sunday and then get really moody with me when I didn't feel like it that night.
You got angry over small things.
You are an old man who never wanted to do anything.
Routine!
Our sex life was crap.
What turned you on really freaked me out. I would try and change it so the control thing was more bondage like but what you like was just weird.
You thought wanking was ok when I was around - do you have any idea how much that used to hurt my feelings.
You never wanted to try anything new in our sex life.
I could never stay up later than you as you say you couldn't sleep knowing that I was going to bed.
You got mardy with me when I wanted to sit with my feet on sofa - having laminate flooring and a cold house anyway meant I got really cold legs all the time and needed to sit with them up. Also I was not like you. I could not sit upright and not move. I like to sprawl out.
Your lack of understanding or trying to understand about my mental health.
I am sure there are many more. There are things I loved about you also.
You made me laugh.
Our bed time routine of having a few minutes of talk with no tv nothing and going over each of our days. We would then spoon for a while and then both turn our backs to each other and get as far away as possible from each other as we both like our space when we sleep.
Your stupid little bets...how one night you bet me you would be able to sleep with a ladder from a bunk bed between us. I won. I can sleep anywhere in any situation.
Our stupid talk.
Little in jokes.
You were always quite generous with me. When it came to birthdays and xmas you weren't tight with my presents.
You got me interested in travelling
You were my best friend. I didn't just lose my boyfriend when we broke up I lost my best friend. OK I wasn't honest with you about the self harm etc. You knew when I cut but you don't know that there were over doses that were nearly everyweek. I lost your family. I loved your family as much as I loved my own. They were my family also. I was with you such a long time. I miss your family so much. I lost my cat. You brought my him when I overdosed for the first time. The first time that was serious and with intent to die anyway. I called him my suicide cat. I couldn't take him with me as he was a bit violent towards other animals. But he was a big softy with humans. He was a stroking whore and would go to anyone who would stroke him. He would run to the door when it went to see who was there and he would meet you like a dog does when you come home from work. He used to beg for food also. He was a strange cat and I miss him like mad.
It's quite hard for me knowing you have moved LD in now. I chose that house with you. I helped you make all the changes we made. It was my home. I hated the way you always used to say things like it's my house, OK, you owned it but it was my home also. I lost everything in such a short space of time.
I don't think you will ever have any idea in to how much you hurt me.
Remember when we were in Australia. We both used to have dreams that we were back home and we used to wake up relieved that we were still in Australia. Well, I have dreams like that now. I dream we get back together. In the dream I know it is wrong and I wake up relieved that it's not true.
I would like to ask you why you tried to stay in contact with me. Why did you give me money for my birthday when you were with LD. You sent me pointless emails and things up until recently about small things that I couldn't care less about or asking me something. I would like to think you were wanting to stay in touch some how. Testing the waters. I have been really strong this time. I am not going to chase you anymore. The amount of times we broke up and I kept forcing the issue and we would end up getting back together. I wonder if I hadn't have done if things would have changed about how I feel now.
I know we shouldn't be together. I know we were not right as a couple. I am too bolshy and outgoing where as you prefer the quiet life. Also you couldn't handle the mental health problems could you. You didn't understand. You never really tried to either.
I went from being a child to being an adult while I was with you. I have a lot to thank you for. I genuinally do. But I have a lot to resent you for. I don't think these feelings will go anytime soon either. I am sorry for the hurt I caused you. I am sorry that we lost each other. In a way I am sorry we met.
I think you will always have a place in my heart though. As much as I hate you at the moment I think a small part of me will always love you.
xxxx
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