Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Emotional Deprivation.

That's what came out of the psychology session last Friday.

He basically came out with that as a child, he didn't think my emotional needs were met, which is one of the main reasons why I have the problems that I do now. I was quite shocked and he really hit a nerve with me. As he was saying it, he stopped and asked if I was ok? Then he said he could see I wasn't and that he wasn't sure whether or not to carry on with where he was going as he was aware I was doing well at the moment and didn't want to bring me down. I said to him, while it was hard hearing it and I was struggling with it, I would rather do the hard stuff now and get it out the way now when I can better deal with it. I am more likely to come home, process it and not do anything with it than when I am low. If I am low I get a "what's the point" attitude and cause harm to myself. But, it was a really hard session and I was feeling a bit shit after.

So I saw R Friday night and he kept me awake all night with his snoring and his moving around in his sleep was causing me to do things in my half sleep. So, by the time Saturday morning rolls around I am very irritated and don't want him any where near me at all. All night he has been snoring and wanting to have his arms round me. I was really irritated by him and didn't want him anywhere near me. So I faked ill. I really played the dying girl act, I wanted him to go home and give me some time to myself. We were supposed to be spending the day together but everything just pissed me off.

I've got a few concerns about the whole relationship with him. A few worries. There's a few early signs that are bothering me. So much so I am going to contact the police and talk to them about this Clare's Law. I don't know if it's because my Mum planted the seed and I have told my friend this and then every thing I look for there is something. But surly, it's better to be safe than sorry?

I am worried about him as well. I don't want to hurt him. I have said to my friend I am going to give it a few weeks and see where things lie then. I am aware that he hasn't got anyone else so I don't want to end it with him before Xmas, and it's his birthday in January, so if I still have all my doubts I will end it then. But there is a niggling doubt at the back of my mind that some things aren't right and I am not getting the whole truth.

I'm just going to see how things pan out with it. I am worried that it's me who is being more accepting of it and blind to it because he seems to accept me for who I am. He knows about the scars and what caused them. And because of that there is some underlying fear that I won't get anyone else and because he is accepting, to hold on to it. I don't think it's a conscious thought, but part of me is worried it's an unconscious thing. But also another unconscious thing could be that I am trying to pick fault with everything and am picking it a part. It scares me because I don't know my own mind. I don't understand myself and what's going on. I used to be so self assured, but I am not anymore. I don't know myself anymore. And that is scary!

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