Wednesday, 13 April 2011


I saw Sam today. She said I was acting like I was on amphets. I have never taken them to know what it's like but she said I was in a way odd.

I suppose I do feel a bit speeded up. I just explained to her how I have been feeling like this since Sunday. No reason why. I said I don't feel anxious but thoughts are racing and a different thought keeps just popping in to my head before I have dealt with the last one. I said though that at least it meant I was productive. I was managing to get quite a lot of work done. While it makes me mentally tired as I can't relax, I don't feel that tired considering I have had little sleep. I am struggling to relax. When she asked what I could do what may help I jokingly said "take some diazepam". She then went on to say it may be a good idea if I could book an appointment with my GP and get something to calm me down a little. But. I don't really want to calm down. This beats being so low and depressed that I can't do anything. OK. The lack of sleep sucks. But I don't feel that tired. I miss sleep as it is something I enjoy. My favourite place in the world is bed.

I spoke to her about my paranoid thoughts. Not in detail but one about hospitalisation. I didn't say that the first thing I think when I see a police car or an ambulance is that it is for me and they are following me and I then really struggle to rationalise. I am also paranoid that people are following me, gathering evidence of my mentalness so they can lock me up. I know writing this sounds stupid. I really struggle to rationalise with myself and it gets me down.

I thought it was kind of odd that I was feeling like this as nothing had triggered it. Most of the times that this has happened I have had something that has triggered it. The worst I have been was just after the break up with Gom. I was working on the psych wards and I was having these paranoid thoughts that I was a patient and the doctors were really observing me. I went straight to my GP that night for some diazepam. It slowed me down a bit but not massively. Also I suppose I didn't really take it properly. I was only given a couple of days supply and I only took one pill and I saved the rest for the long haul flight to Asia I was making only a few weeks later.

I know Monday was a shit day with My Cat having to be put to sleep. I was really upset by it. And also I had an email conversation with Gom. I have not spoken to him in a year. But surprisingly I cared about how he felt in it all. That was once I had made sure he hadn't chosen the cheaper option and there could have been treatment. And that he had actually put some thought and effort in to where he buryed him. And that I knew he was upset and it came across in his emails. I got more emotion from him in those emails than I think I ever did when we were together. I don't know if it's me getting over it (the relationship) now and being able to move on that has let me deal with it quite rationally. Although saying that I was having stupid thoughts and ponderings about what if's. Like what if he wants to get back together? What if he wants to meet up? Should I? I know stupid. I know I shouldn't go anywhere near him. I am making sure I don't contact him first about anything. I have any need to. It kicked off a lot of feelings in a way. But I think I have been able to deal with them. I think it's just the ease of being with him. You know. He knows about the self harm (although obs not recently and how bad it has been), he knows about my being slightly mentally interesting. OK. He was a crap support but, it was easy!

And, I feel with him he knows. It would mean I don't need to explain the self harm and everything about me from the start to some new guy. I think that is what makes me have these thoughts. The thought of having to tell a new guy I self harm(ed) and how bad I have been at times makes me not want to bother. What if I really like someone, I tell them and they decide they don't want to know. OK. That person is not worth being with and not worth my time but I would have already fallen for them by the time it takes me to tell him. I am not telling someone from the offset I self harm and have other  "hi, I'm golden, your cute, by the way I self harm". It's a lot of the reason about why I don't want to be with anyone at the moment. I don't have the effort to be putting in to a new relationship and I am not ready to share all this with anyone. I don't want to meet anyone while I am going through all this shit. It's not fair on them and I don't think I could handle the pressures of a new relationship. I am quite happy being single.

The only times it bothers me are on Sunday afternoons when the parents are getting pissed and I don't like it when they drink as they both get very very annoying and one can become quite abusive. Also, I want to go to gigs. My friends don't like gigs. I want to go on holidays or mini breaks. I don't want to go with my friends as they are not exactly fans of culture. Or their idea of a mini break consists of a night in a travelodge and a night out in the city. I don't miss the sex. I suppose I am not really a sexual person. But I do miss the closeness of someone. I used to love putting my head on Goms bare chest (luckily he did not have much hair above the waist...below was a different matter), or I used to lift his shirt up and just sit with my hand on his stomach for that skin to skin contact. I do miss that. He had nice soft skin and he had a nice smell also.

But other than that I quite like being single. I suppose all my adult life until a year ago I was with someone.

I wish I could relax. I wouldn't mind so much being like this if I lived on my own and I could potter around the house but my parents are in bed now so I have to be careful about how much noise I make. So it can get boring sitting in my room wanting to do something as I can't sit still and relax and I can't as I have to be quiet.

I think it's pretty obvious that the Quetiapine isn't really doing it's job! Grrrrr

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