Sunday, 17 July 2011

Still Feeling The Same

Things have not changed. I feel the same. I think about suicide all the time. It is a big part of my life at the moment. I wonder if I am feeling more stable because I have made the decision to attempt in a couple of weeks. They say that people who have made the decision who are depressed can then seem quite lighter and less depressed. Is it that maybe?

Stupid thing made me upset yesterday. Was Gom related but not directly. I saw that his parents had sold their house and from the looks of it (from my Facebook stalking while logged in to my Mum's account) they are moving on to a house boat. I felt sad (I think it was sad anyway, if not there was an emotion that I was feeling) that I wasn't part of that big lifestyle change of theirs. For the 8 years that Gom and I were together they talked to me about quite a lot of things and they valued my opinion on things as I did theirs. So this got me thinking. Why, was I not bothered about Gom getting engaged but was about his parents selling their house? That is some weird thought processes. I am not bothered about LD's relationship with Gom. She is welcome to him. What I don't like is her being a part of their family. They were my family. And, I suppose they never did anything wrong to me and I loved them like my own family. It's weird.

Had a nice moment with Vince today. He came round to mine and we just hung out watching a film. We sat there cuddling on the sofa and he kissed me on top of my head. Ok, of course we have kissed normally but that was different. That was more meaningful. He also said my hair smelt nice. I do like him but there are some reservations I have about him in that I think he may be quite immature. I haven't worked it out yet if he is immature or just is like that in a fun way? I think drunk Vince may be the answer. I think people show their true colours when they have had a drink.

He has tiny hands. I hope that isn't an indication of the size of his...

These things are important. I like him but if he is bad in the sack then there's not much hope. I am quite reserved and shy when it comes to bedroom activities. I think Gom broke down my confidence there, it may just be that I am not very good of course.

As my friend said to me earlier though, I should just have some fun. I don't need to be looking at it as "am I going to settle down with this person". I never really thought about it that way. She is right. I should just see how things progress.

I say this, but then I am still making all these plans to end it. What's the dealio there? How can I want something so bad and yet still think about relationships etc when I have already made a plan. I think it comes down to the 2 parts of me thing again. I have written about it before and about how I am at least 2 different people. I know which one of them is the stronger one and I am in agreement with them.

I don't feel as though I can speak to anyone about it either. I have been withdrawing more and more from Sam and find it really hard to be open. I think because when we first started the sessions she didn't really challenge me or ask me things. She just agreed with me or made me feel better about the way I was feeling. She would be empathetic and make me feel as though what I was feeling was normal. And it was space to talk about what I wanted. But now she is focusing more on the self harm itself and my feelings at the time etc. And that makes me uncomfortable.

So what would you do?

1 comment:

catherine said...

maybe you can write a letter to sam saying how you don't feel like you can open up anymore, just to let her know what's going on.

hang on to that part of you that wants to live. she is the one you should be listening to. keep reaching out.

the new guy sounds nice. hope things continue to go well.