Dear Gom,
This month has been a year since we officially broke up for the last time. It has also been 10 months since I last saw you and about 10 weeks since you last sent me any correspondence. I thought writing you a letter would be therapeutic. Lets see shall we? You always said you hated that I wasn't honest with you so here we go!
I've done a lot since we broke up. I've travelled around Asia on my own, I suppose I do have you to thank for the love of travel as without you I would have never travelled. I fell off a motorbike while in Asia and 3 months later after getting home winded up in hospital as of the infection. I went on holiday with the family. The one that you were also invited on when it was all being arranged. You said you didn't want to go at the time. I understood why and I said I wouldn't go either. However, due to being ill from the infection I was coerced in to it as didn't really have any excuses as to why not. I started uni. I am finally going somewhere career wise and I know what I want to do and I am doing what I need to do to get me there.
Also though, my mental health problems have come back. The self harming is at it's worst. I suppose there is nothing holding me back. When we were together you used to get so angry at me for cutting and you used to know when I was going to do it, sometimes even before I did. Where as now, I don't have to show anyone my legs. I don't know if the depression returning and the self harm being at it's worst is related to our break up. I can't see that it can be really as we broke up last February and it only really started in September. Ok there were a few incidents after the break up but they were usually related to too much alcohol. I think the worst back then was when I had drank far too much one evening and then I had an impulsive moment where I ligated. I can't remember much about it. I vaguely remember leaving the bar and going up an alley way. I found a bungie cord and wrapped it around my neck. I must have passed out as I came around in the resus area at the hospital. I was pinned to a board and had one of those collars on me. They said I had tried to hang my self and then told me what with. I told them I was fine and that I hadn't tried to hang myself. I even denied the ligating. I am a crap liar though and my face gave it away as had loads of broken capillaries and I had bruising and rope burn where the cord had been. I look back on that incident now and kinda wished that had have killed me. I would have been dead if no one would have found me. I remember something about my sats being at 70%. Quite an easy way really as I would have just fallen asleep and never have known any better. They tried restraining me to the board as they said they were worried about my neck. I said ok but as soon as their backs were turned I had pulled every thing off and tried to do a runner. That got me a security escort. I suppose that was the closest I came really.
So how we broke up. It really messed me up. I suppose it would do to anyone. We were together 8 years. 8 and a half to be precise. I know we weren't without our problems and we had broken up so many times before and got back together. This time I didn't think it would be any different. It kind of came out the blue back in September 2009 when you said you wanted to break up as only a couple of weeks earlier we were talking of getting married. However, as things progressed I decided what we needed was a break. So I booked to go travelling. I honestly thought that I would go and when I came back it would be enough time a part and we would get back together. We had a lot of break ups where we got back together and I just thought this one would be the same. To humour you I said I would move out when I went travelling. Thinking oh yeah, he'll soon miss me and when I get back we'll be back living together. You went really weird on me. You kept shouting at me for no reason and you hit me and were quite violent with me on a couple of occasions. You had been in the past but usually I had instigated the violence so I suppose when you hit me I had asked for it. I don't condone domestic violence at all. I know I lost my temper with you on so many occasions and threw things at you and swung out at you. So on these occasions when you retaliated I couldn't blame you. Yet there were occasions where you were the one who started.
The first time was waaay back in 2006. We had been drinking and arguing but then you got really scary. I called the police as you were really scaring me. I hid in the spare room under the bed and you came in and dragged me out and started pushing me around. I was screaming at you to stop. I managed to get the door closed and locked on you and called the police. By the time they got there you were cool as a cucumber and I was in hysterics in the spare room bundled in a duvet. The police woman came in to the room and tried calming me down. They asked what happened and I explained. They said as it was your house and I didn't want you arrested ( I know thinking about this now seems stupid, why call the police if you don't want anything done. But you had calmed down and I thought that it could ruin our relationship if I got you arrested) one of us had to leave the house as they couldn't leave us together if it was a domestic violence call. Being as though you owned the house I was the one who had to go. So I went and stayed at a friends house.
A few weeks after the incident I got a voicemail left from the police on my phone saying they have looked in to my complaint and wont be taking it further as they didn't feel I was risk of anymore violence from you.
That was the first time it happened where I had not really done anything to provoke you. You did used to get angry and throw things when you were angry, sometimes at me also but it usually missed as I moved quick enough.
The next time was just before we ended in Feb. There was a period of about 10 days where there were a few incidents.
The first was when you pushed me and I went flying across the living room as I jokingly told you to move out the fucking way in a jokey sarcastic tone which you thought I was being serious. You shouted at me and then pushed me really hard.
The second in this cycle where I was watching tv 2 rooms away and I could never hear you when you shouted from another room anyway. It used to annoy you but I can't help being deaf. You were shouting at me to help you with something. I was having a hard time of it over the past few days and was having low mood and grrr for no reason. When I heard you you started going mad at me as you had paint on your hands and you wanted me to squeeze some fairy up liquid in to your hands to wash them as you didn't want to get paint on the bottle. The way you asked me and the way I was feeling resulted in me having a bit of a strop and squeezing it really hard making loads come out. You then called me a stupid fucking bitch and as I walked behind you you elbowed me really hard in the stomach winding me. I was really shocked and upset and my response was to clout you round the head. So you chased after me then punched me twice really hard, as hard as you could in my shoulder blades. It meant I couldn't lift my arm properly and had to call in sick at work as I wouldn't have been able to restrain. I lay in bed that morning crying as of the hurtful things you said to me. You said I was being lazy and it was that I didn't want to go to work. You then abused me loads more.
The third was when you chased me again as I was running away from you up the stairs as you had swung out at me and you threw something at me as I was running up the stairs.
There were more occasions also where you threw things at me. I did consider going to the police after we broke up. But we had broken up and I thought it would have been more out of spite than anything. But at the same time if you could lose your temper like that with me maybe you would with future girlfriends. Maybe I should have done so something about you having done it in the past. But I always thought, who will believe me. I have mental health problems. Who will believe me they will think I am just doing it out of spite. Part of it would have been. Well most of it would have been but in the end I didn't.
So the break up. You had been acting really weird. You had been out the night before and it took you ages before you came to bed. The next morning you were carrying your phone around with you everywhere which was not like you. Your friends and family used to contact me to get hold of you. I knew something was going on. When you went in the shower you left your phone and I picked it up and looked at the messages. You had been in contact with a girl and you were arranging to meet her that night. You had told me you were going out with a friend. You had even asked me to give you a lift to go and play pool. I asked you who she was and you said no one. We started arguing and I said you could at least have the decency to wait until I went away before you started seeing other people.You responded with you are a fucking bitch, I hate you, I don't want you living here so if you don't like it fuck off somewhere else as you are not wanted here.
I stormed out the house with his phone in my hand still. I drove around aimlessly for a bit and looked at your phone and gathered that you were arranging to meet her that night. You kept calling me and calling me on my mobile. I went to my parents and was sobbing on her shoulder. I hacked your facebook and hotmail and found that there was a few girls you were emailing and keeping in contact with. This one girl you were meeting that night you had spun a web of lies telling her things like we owned the house together and you were in the process of buying me out, that we were in separate rooms and a load of other stuff I couldn't really understand why you had said. I hacked your paypal account and transferred the savings I had put in your account for safe keeping back to me as I was worried you may not give them to me.
That night when you got in I asked you if you were still going to play pool with your friend. You said yes. I then said I knew where you were really going and if you were still going to go. You still said yes. So I told you if you went do not even think about coming back to the house. You went. That was on the Wednesday I didn't see you until the Saturday. I don't know where you were and I hadn't even heard from you. On the Saturday we had another argument. You got really spiteful and pushed me around a bit. I said I couldn't bare to be around you and then you kept going on how it was your house and that I should get out. In the end you asked if you could borrow my phone to call your mum to come get you. I still hadn't given you yours back. Why should I when you were arranging dates and stuff. I disconnected the land line also. So you called your mum.
Next thing I know you both storm in to the bedroom. I was in bed watching tv and you are with your mum with a load of boxes saying get out. Get some stuff together and get out. You said you couldn't be in the house alone with me as you were scared. What a load of crap. I felt like a psych patient. You both stood there watching me while I tried to put a few bits together. It was horrible. I said i needed to get changed and you both just stood there. I had to ask you to leave the room so I could get dressed. It was mortifying. I really did feel like a psychiatric patient. You made me feel so small. You really did make me question my own sanity. I wanted to speak you alone but you wouldn't send your mum away. As I went downstairs your mum said she was really sorry things worked out the way they had. She said how the family loved me and I said I loved all of them and she gave me a hug. I got changed and jumped in the car. I drove down to the river. Loads of thoughts were going through my mind and I didn't know what to do. I really wanted to talk to you. I was also thinking of just driving the car in to the river.
I called my brother but he wasn't available. I called my friend and she said go back. Get a few bits and get out of there. She knew that you could become violent and she said that I had kept going back to you time and time again and I should get some pride and stop. So I went back to the house. You had tried to lock me out by putting the key in the front door but I got in. I spoke to my brother and he said grab a few bits for the night and go stay with them until I went travelling. I knew by this point that this was it. I knew that I needed to not have you in my life anymore. You made me question my own sanity. You made me doubt myself.
I saw you a couple of times before I went travelling. One night I turned up at yours at about 4am really drunk thinking I still lived there. I had taken a few pills that night and was not quite with it. I was hallucinating and was quite out of it. You let me stay. The next morning you started telling me how I needed professional help and you thought I needed to be in psychiatric care.
I didn't really cry that much for you. I never cried in front of my friends and there was only the one occasion in front of family I cried. I was concerned about my mental health. The following week I was at work. It was on the Monday after the Saturday when it all happened. I was working on the psych assessment ward and I was having paranoia attacks. I was delusional. I was manic. Everything was going at a million miles an hour. There was no sequence to my thinking. I thought that I was a patient. I knew deep down I wasn't but I was having these thoughts. I was being paranoid that the doctors were really assessing me. I went to my GP that afternoon and said I need help. I want to be referred to psych services as I was concerned. I said I needed something to chill me out. I begged for some diazepam. I explained all that was going on and what I was feeling. The diazepam worked. It slowed things down and it brought me out of the manic state.
It was about this time I started to blood let. Not much at a time. Just more sticking a needle in to the vein and then letting it bleed. I didn't see this as self harm was wasn't serious. It was cutting that was self harm. So I went travelling and I was fine. I was happy. When I landed in Bangkok I could have cried. I never felt so free. So liberated. I hadn't cut since September. It was 6 months since I had cut. Then in May I was speaking to your sister and looking through her photos from her birthday and saw pictures of you with your arms round a girl. I knew it wasn't one of your sisters friends and had seen you became friends with her on facebook in March. I then realised this was a new girlfriend. I was so hurt. I tried getting hold of some friends back home but couldn't. I was on a night out with some girls I had met the day before on a tour so we were having a night drinking in Hue Vietnam. They could tell something wasn't right and I told them. They helped cheer me up and told me you weren't worth the upset when I had told them what had gone on in the past between us. I did cut that night. Well I started to. I was cutting and all of a sudden this thought came to me "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? DO NOT CUT OVER HIM"! So I didn't. I stopped. I wasn't going to chance getting ill as of infected wounds and even cutting over you. I cried and I cried though. They next day I felt so guilty. I was paranoid as I felt people would know what I had done with the cutting etc.
That night I was getting an over night train from Hue to Hanoi. I met this lovely guy on the train and we sat talking way in to the night drinking vodka. Nothing happened. I wouldn't tell you anyway and I am not telling you to make you jealous as I doubt you would be. But he was so nice. He reminded me not all men are dickheads. It was then I cut off all ties with you. I told you never to contact me again and I hated you. You tried calling me and calling me and sending me emails.
I was upset you had moved on so quickly. Here I was seemingly ok to other people about the break up between us and you had moved on and forgotten. Why should you be happy after how you had treated me. Why should you be able to move on and forget. I resented you. I hated you. For some stupid reason I still loved you.
I was told by a couple of different sources that your new girlfriend was VERY dull. I thought Raq was just saying that her being my friend and every thing. But when Neve told me also. She had spent quite a bit of time with you and LD (my term for looks a bit retarded - I can't exactly give her a nice name can I when she is your new bit). She said LD had nothing about her and really didn't know what you saw in her. But then you were an old man who was quite boring so you were probably quite a good match. From what I have heard it suprises me. It seems as though this girl has no ambition in life an lives for her job as shop assistant. Don't you want someone who has dreams and ambitions. Or is it just that. You like to feel as though you have the upper hand.
I saw you a couple of times before I went travelling. One night I turned up at yours at about 4am really drunk thinking I still lived there. I had taken a few pills that night and was not quite with it. I was hallucinating and was quite out of it. You let me stay. The next morning you started telling me how I needed professional help and you thought I needed to be in psychiatric care.
So the SH started in September again. Quite bad. The worst it's ever been. I don't know if it's related to you. I have seen so many different people. I have even been told being sectioned is a possibility. Seems you may have been right. You always did seem to know what was best for me. I think I should probably be in hospital. But, at the moment the threat of people finding out is enough for me to try and have some control over it. If family and friends knew then what control would I have. There would be no stopping me. I keep arguing with myself over it. My main thing is stigma. And people being aware of it and that it could affect my career chances. I tell myself and others like Mike (the psych nurse I have seen at psych medicine) and Sam (my counsellor) that if i was admitted then there would be no stopping me with the self harm. That it would get worse as I would have no reason to control it anymore as people would already know. I tell them it would send me over the edge pushing me further in. The thing is I know from having worked in psych myself that patients like me who I have worked with are the ones who end up on high obs so they can't SI. I know if I was a member of staff and we had someone like me I would ensure that they couldn't hurt themselves. It's stupid isn't it that I am even thinking of ways in which I would SH if I were to go in.
Anyway I will continue this on a different blog as getting rather long.
x
Showing posts with label anti-depressants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anti-depressants. Show all posts
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Monday, 31 January 2011
Distractions.
I have spent most of the day online responding to peoples posts on SF. It has been keeping me distracted for wanting to self harm and getting in to an even lower mood. I have had quite a bad weekend. I haven't self harmed massively, just blood letting. To me that is better in terms of medically. I am not taking up resources, I don't need treatment for it and it doesn't leave massive gashes that can go infected like the ones at the moment. Although I am probably to blame with these as I haven't been taking the antibiotics as they make me ill so I hope I will fight the infection myself. I planned on staying in bed all day yesterday and I actually cried when my mum said I was actually expected to be at my brothers for dinner at 12.
Originally I thought it was just my parents invited and was quite happy with that. So yesterday when she woke me at 11.15 to say I needed to get ready I actually cried. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt so low. So low that I couldn't consider doing anything like self harm or suicide I just did not have the energy. Dinner was lovely though and I do enjoy seeing my nephews. I think my mum had called my brother to see about me going though as I had a talk yesterday from my Dad that they were worried as I was spending too much time in my room. And then he asked me why I was so miserable. I could have exploded. I am not being miserable. I am more than that. I hate the way people play down my emotions. From Gom I used to get "have you tried just being happy". From my Dad a few weeks ago "are you feeling happier now"; used as if it was just a bad day I was having the day they found out about the SH. People do it all the time. "Are you feeling sad"? No I am not feeling sad. Sad, miserable, unhappy do not even come close. I don't know what does. But when people use such loose terms as those it makes me angry as there is so much more going on.
So back from dinner and then in to my room. I was asked if I would sit downstairs with them and read. But there was no way. I want to be on my own at the moment. I don't want to be around other people. Especially when they are drinking and then take the piss out of me by mimicking me if I don't give a bright, upbeat reply. I can't be that person at the moment. Sometimes I can pretend but I don't have the energy to do that at the moment.
So today, I have had an appointment with the Psychiatrist. He said I seemed lower in mood since last week - I do. I am not sure if was last week I was coming out of crisis point with the SH over the weekend and being able to SH and being able to do what I wanted. We talked about the build up to when I SH and I said that sometimes I can feel it, sometimes I am not aware of it, sometimes it just happens. But sometimes I make a decision. "Tonight I will SH". That's what I woke up with this morning. Even before going to see him today.
So we talked about my mood, my medication. He asked me what I wanted and I said I didn't want to feel like this anymore. For me my main problem at the moment is my low mood. I can deal with the SH when I am not feeling as low. I suggested combining medication. I said I wanted to try combining different groups. He said it was not likely they would do that as he doesn't think it is something that can be medicated. He feels that we should be increasing the dose of Mirtazapine first which I said I wouldn't take at all if he did as it made my appetite massive and I put on weight while on maximum dose which meant that I stopped taking it. He then went on to say would be looking at trying different types of medication next which would have worse side effects for me. Another thing I don't want. He said the only times they look at combinations is in inpatients.
We then had another argument about diagnosis and I told him what I thought. I said it's not just that there is a stigma with personality disorders within mental health professionals and that it insinuates it is something innate that can't be fixed, it's that I honestly don't believe I meet criteria for it. I told him that all I was getting was low mood and I self harmed. He was then saying it was feelings of chronic emptiness I was feeling. I hate that. I hate it when people tell me what I am feeling. So I asked him what the difference was. He didn't give a very good answer really but from what he was describing anyone with re-occurring could have the feelings of chronic emptiness. Chronic emptiness is basically low mood that can persist or go away and come back for no reason. Can anyone see the difference here? Me neither. So here is what I got from Wiki. I know it's not exactly the best reference but it is the same info as I was given in a lecture about it
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness
8.Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
Ok, so out of these. I meet no5 as I self harm and have tried to kill myself numerous times, 7 if this is the same as low mood and possibly 9 as of the occasional voices I hear, the dreams, and how I can get quite paranoid about silly things. So a possible 3. But, if I look at other PD types I would meet some of those. So would most people. OK, there are traits but then everyone has them.
So talking more with Dr he sort of gave in on arguing with me as he knew he wouldn't be able to tell me otherwise. I'm quite stubborn me you see.
Anyhoo, he recommended Psychoanalytic Therapy. I said I would give this ago. He said the only thing was was that no one would take me on while I was self harming still. At this I got quite upset and nearly started crying. I can usually manage my emotions really well but think as I was feeling so low I couldn't really hold it back. I said how the hell was I supposed to stop SH when I didn't know what caused it or when it was going to happen. It was not like I could just flick a switch. He said he understood and said I need to learn to ask for help. He said I had been given the details of crisis team I needed to be aware of when the feelings were coming on and to call them and ask for help. I said I couldn't do that as I find it really hard to speak to people on the phone. I don't even like speaking to family on the phone. I don't like not being able to gauge peoples reactions so I would struggle with speaking on the phone to someone. And, the having to explain everything that was going on. I can't do that. I have tried all these helpline things before also and have just found them patronising and so I won't use them.
He then went on to say people without PD's have used the PD networks services before and found them helpful and that they would take people on who still self harm as will integrate different therapies. I said from what I knew of the PD Network it was mainly group based and there was no way I would sit in a group and talk about my emotions. I said it's hard enough for me to do it with one person never mind a few. And, it wasn't just that it was that I worked in mental health for the last 2 years, am likely to carry on working on the wards once this mood lifts and possibly even want a career in that area. There was no way I would risk previous patients I had nursed seeing me there. I also may see patients and service users I may come across in the next couple of years.
I know it seems I am full of "I won't do this". I appreciate I have gone and asked for help and people are trying to and I am not accepting it. I apologised to the Dr for this as if I had a patient like that it would drive me mad. But I know myself. I know that group work wont work with me. I know I wouldn't engage. I am also fighting this "diagnosis", I put it in speech marks as they were saying they haven't diagnosed me yet just that there are traits. Well I keep getting told different things. I will carry on fighting it also. So with me fighting it I don't want to engage in something that they do as looks as though I am accepting it as a diagnosis. But, the group thing put me off more than anything.
So in the end, the Dr said he would refer me to a Clinical Psychologist. They would work individually with me and is more flexible in their approach. So it's just a matter of time of waiting for appointments etc to come through. He said I should get an assessment appointment through in a couple of weeks and then should be able to start seeing someone regularly quite quickly.
I know this post has been a bit he said she said but as I said I am also using this as a distraction technique and also like a diary so it's something I will look back on in a few days, weeks, months and then I'll laugh at myself for being so pathetic.
I have an idea what I will write about in the next one and I would appreciate peoples comments on the next blog as I need feedback on it. But I'll probably wait a few days before posting again.
Thanks for reading - if you do?
Originally I thought it was just my parents invited and was quite happy with that. So yesterday when she woke me at 11.15 to say I needed to get ready I actually cried. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt so low. So low that I couldn't consider doing anything like self harm or suicide I just did not have the energy. Dinner was lovely though and I do enjoy seeing my nephews. I think my mum had called my brother to see about me going though as I had a talk yesterday from my Dad that they were worried as I was spending too much time in my room. And then he asked me why I was so miserable. I could have exploded. I am not being miserable. I am more than that. I hate the way people play down my emotions. From Gom I used to get "have you tried just being happy". From my Dad a few weeks ago "are you feeling happier now"; used as if it was just a bad day I was having the day they found out about the SH. People do it all the time. "Are you feeling sad"? No I am not feeling sad. Sad, miserable, unhappy do not even come close. I don't know what does. But when people use such loose terms as those it makes me angry as there is so much more going on.
So back from dinner and then in to my room. I was asked if I would sit downstairs with them and read. But there was no way. I want to be on my own at the moment. I don't want to be around other people. Especially when they are drinking and then take the piss out of me by mimicking me if I don't give a bright, upbeat reply. I can't be that person at the moment. Sometimes I can pretend but I don't have the energy to do that at the moment.
So today, I have had an appointment with the Psychiatrist. He said I seemed lower in mood since last week - I do. I am not sure if was last week I was coming out of crisis point with the SH over the weekend and being able to SH and being able to do what I wanted. We talked about the build up to when I SH and I said that sometimes I can feel it, sometimes I am not aware of it, sometimes it just happens. But sometimes I make a decision. "Tonight I will SH". That's what I woke up with this morning. Even before going to see him today.
So we talked about my mood, my medication. He asked me what I wanted and I said I didn't want to feel like this anymore. For me my main problem at the moment is my low mood. I can deal with the SH when I am not feeling as low. I suggested combining medication. I said I wanted to try combining different groups. He said it was not likely they would do that as he doesn't think it is something that can be medicated. He feels that we should be increasing the dose of Mirtazapine first which I said I wouldn't take at all if he did as it made my appetite massive and I put on weight while on maximum dose which meant that I stopped taking it. He then went on to say would be looking at trying different types of medication next which would have worse side effects for me. Another thing I don't want. He said the only times they look at combinations is in inpatients.
We then had another argument about diagnosis and I told him what I thought. I said it's not just that there is a stigma with personality disorders within mental health professionals and that it insinuates it is something innate that can't be fixed, it's that I honestly don't believe I meet criteria for it. I told him that all I was getting was low mood and I self harmed. He was then saying it was feelings of chronic emptiness I was feeling. I hate that. I hate it when people tell me what I am feeling. So I asked him what the difference was. He didn't give a very good answer really but from what he was describing anyone with re-occurring could have the feelings of chronic emptiness. Chronic emptiness is basically low mood that can persist or go away and come back for no reason. Can anyone see the difference here? Me neither. So here is what I got from Wiki. I know it's not exactly the best reference but it is the same info as I was given in a lecture about it
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness
8.Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
Ok, so out of these. I meet no5 as I self harm and have tried to kill myself numerous times, 7 if this is the same as low mood and possibly 9 as of the occasional voices I hear, the dreams, and how I can get quite paranoid about silly things. So a possible 3. But, if I look at other PD types I would meet some of those. So would most people. OK, there are traits but then everyone has them.
So talking more with Dr he sort of gave in on arguing with me as he knew he wouldn't be able to tell me otherwise. I'm quite stubborn me you see.
Anyhoo, he recommended Psychoanalytic Therapy. I said I would give this ago. He said the only thing was was that no one would take me on while I was self harming still. At this I got quite upset and nearly started crying. I can usually manage my emotions really well but think as I was feeling so low I couldn't really hold it back. I said how the hell was I supposed to stop SH when I didn't know what caused it or when it was going to happen. It was not like I could just flick a switch. He said he understood and said I need to learn to ask for help. He said I had been given the details of crisis team I needed to be aware of when the feelings were coming on and to call them and ask for help. I said I couldn't do that as I find it really hard to speak to people on the phone. I don't even like speaking to family on the phone. I don't like not being able to gauge peoples reactions so I would struggle with speaking on the phone to someone. And, the having to explain everything that was going on. I can't do that. I have tried all these helpline things before also and have just found them patronising and so I won't use them.
He then went on to say people without PD's have used the PD networks services before and found them helpful and that they would take people on who still self harm as will integrate different therapies. I said from what I knew of the PD Network it was mainly group based and there was no way I would sit in a group and talk about my emotions. I said it's hard enough for me to do it with one person never mind a few. And, it wasn't just that it was that I worked in mental health for the last 2 years, am likely to carry on working on the wards once this mood lifts and possibly even want a career in that area. There was no way I would risk previous patients I had nursed seeing me there. I also may see patients and service users I may come across in the next couple of years.
I know it seems I am full of "I won't do this". I appreciate I have gone and asked for help and people are trying to and I am not accepting it. I apologised to the Dr for this as if I had a patient like that it would drive me mad. But I know myself. I know that group work wont work with me. I know I wouldn't engage. I am also fighting this "diagnosis", I put it in speech marks as they were saying they haven't diagnosed me yet just that there are traits. Well I keep getting told different things. I will carry on fighting it also. So with me fighting it I don't want to engage in something that they do as looks as though I am accepting it as a diagnosis. But, the group thing put me off more than anything.
So in the end, the Dr said he would refer me to a Clinical Psychologist. They would work individually with me and is more flexible in their approach. So it's just a matter of time of waiting for appointments etc to come through. He said I should get an assessment appointment through in a couple of weeks and then should be able to start seeing someone regularly quite quickly.
I know this post has been a bit he said she said but as I said I am also using this as a distraction technique and also like a diary so it's something I will look back on in a few days, weeks, months and then I'll laugh at myself for being so pathetic.
I have an idea what I will write about in the next one and I would appreciate peoples comments on the next blog as I need feedback on it. But I'll probably wait a few days before posting again.
Thanks for reading - if you do?
Thursday, 13 January 2011
More Musings
Things are getting worse.
I know I shouldn't have stopped taking the meds but I can't cope with the way they make me feel. If I take them at night they affect my sleep so much that I feel like crap as I haven't had any sleep. If I take them during the day they make me feel so sick I can't function. So basically I can't function on them. I know they worked in improving my mood but I can't be doing with the physical side effects also. I last took one on Tuesday evening but last had one on Thursday before that so it's a week since I have taken them properly. Surly they wouldn't be out my system that quickly?
Things have gotten bad again for me. I am planning on self harming in a few days as to get some escape. I have mentioned it to Sam but I have not told her the extent on which I am planning. I know she would have to break confidentiality and I have said because of this I would not even say if I was planning on doing worse. I am a stubborn person, I know that I am going to do it on the day that I have chosen to do it. There is nothing that can be done that will stop me. So I can't see the point in talking about it with a counsellor as I have already made my mind up.
It has taken over me though. All I keep thinking about is that day and what and how I will do it. It seems so stupid actually writing it down. To read it it probably appears "oh another person seeking attention". If it was an attention thing people would know about the self harm. I wouldn't wait for people to be out, I would tell people about it and talk about it and my feelings. But no, I keep them to myself. Well and the people that read this but no one knows who I am and I use this as more of a diary and don't actually think anyone would be interested in reading my rambling thoughts.
Is the news more sad at the moment or is it me? I found myself crying at over 50% of the stories. I have even cried at adverts. It's getting stupid. I try and put a brave face on. But I think I over compensate and have been coming across as hyper and a bit mad. Oh well, being a bit mad adds character!
Anyway, on to something else that has been bothering me.
Babies.
I am so bloody broody. I even stood in front of the mirror this morning and stuck my belly out to see what it would look like if I was pregnant. I look at pregnant people and am so jealous. Lots of my school friends have kids now and their pictures are all over Facebook. I see what clothes they put them in and think "I wouldn't do that, you have made them look like a mini chav". I see kids in pushchairs with a dummy in and hate it and think to myself how I am never going to let my kid have a dummy as I hate to see kids with a dummy in. Especially when the kid is about 4 years old. Chavs! Not the kids, the parents. I over hear what parents say to their kids and think "you shouldn't speak to them like that, I wouldn't if they were mine". I have all these ideas about parenting and I know it sounds big headed but I think I would make a good mum. Strict, fair and loving. Ignore tantrums and not give in. I don't with my nephew. If I can be strict but firm with him and he is not even mine then surly it will follow with my own.
I do have a slight problem though...no one to make the baby with. I wont do the one night stand thing and get pregnant. Not yet anyway. If I get to 35 and I have not had kids then maybe then. At the moment I want the family thing. I don't want to lose the respect of my friends and family by being silly and getting pregnany off a one night stand.
I don't think I think that having a baby would "cure" me. I don't think it would make my problems magically go away. I am aware that as I already have a history of mental health problems I would probably get quite bad post natal depression. And, I know that it is not fair to bring a child up with me being the way I am at the moment. Maybe there is some naive thought processes in there similar to those that some teenage girls have that want something to unconditionally love and be loved back from. I don't think so though. My friends all laugh at me as I have been broody since I was about 13. They know that I am first in there to offer to hold someones kid, I love being around kids. I love how they hold a magical view of the world. I find child development fascinating and would love to see it happen with my own. So I know it's not just about being pregnant and having a new born. In fact, I find new borns quite dull. But, I do want the experience of being pregnant. Ideal for me would be pregnancy, and have a 3 month old born. No pain though. I am a wuss when it comes to pain. I have already decided I want an epidural and all the pain killers going. Free, legal drugs, who'd be stupid enough to turn those down.... That was a joke it would be kind of irresponsable to get pregnant just for the drugs.
I think pregnant women look beautiful. Not the chavy ones who wear short tops and show their bump off that way, but a nice fitted top so you can't see skin.
I know it wont happen any time soon. But, it doesn't stop me having dreams that I am pregnant and have a child. I have managed to deal kind of ok with Gom moving in his new girlfriend. Yeh, it upsets me but I can deal with it. It's when I find out she's pregnant that's I am not going to be able to deal with.
So what do I do now... make the most of having 2 of the most gorgeous nephews in the world. Practice makes perfect. One thing I will remember Gom for is when nephew number 1 was born he made a comment along the lines of, "yeah, we'll babysit, good practice, at least if we screw up they're not ours and can return them".
Oh, another piece of news I have, non baby related though. I went for assessment with a nurse the other day which I was referred to by the useless Psychiatrist I saw. Waste of time. She basically told me my case was too complex, I was still self harming so no one would see me and is going to refer me back to the waste of time Psychiatrist I saw before. I have an appointment with my GP on Monday. I know I am going to have to tell him about the meds and me not taking them. The psych suggested another one to take. I hold no faith in it. I have researched it and a lot of clincal trials have shown it is no better than a placebo. So not holding out for that one. I think I am going to ask to go back on Mirtazapine.
Well, this diary entry has run dry so I'll sign off.
x
I know I shouldn't have stopped taking the meds but I can't cope with the way they make me feel. If I take them at night they affect my sleep so much that I feel like crap as I haven't had any sleep. If I take them during the day they make me feel so sick I can't function. So basically I can't function on them. I know they worked in improving my mood but I can't be doing with the physical side effects also. I last took one on Tuesday evening but last had one on Thursday before that so it's a week since I have taken them properly. Surly they wouldn't be out my system that quickly?
Things have gotten bad again for me. I am planning on self harming in a few days as to get some escape. I have mentioned it to Sam but I have not told her the extent on which I am planning. I know she would have to break confidentiality and I have said because of this I would not even say if I was planning on doing worse. I am a stubborn person, I know that I am going to do it on the day that I have chosen to do it. There is nothing that can be done that will stop me. So I can't see the point in talking about it with a counsellor as I have already made my mind up.
It has taken over me though. All I keep thinking about is that day and what and how I will do it. It seems so stupid actually writing it down. To read it it probably appears "oh another person seeking attention". If it was an attention thing people would know about the self harm. I wouldn't wait for people to be out, I would tell people about it and talk about it and my feelings. But no, I keep them to myself. Well and the people that read this but no one knows who I am and I use this as more of a diary and don't actually think anyone would be interested in reading my rambling thoughts.
Is the news more sad at the moment or is it me? I found myself crying at over 50% of the stories. I have even cried at adverts. It's getting stupid. I try and put a brave face on. But I think I over compensate and have been coming across as hyper and a bit mad. Oh well, being a bit mad adds character!
Anyway, on to something else that has been bothering me.
Babies.
I am so bloody broody. I even stood in front of the mirror this morning and stuck my belly out to see what it would look like if I was pregnant. I look at pregnant people and am so jealous. Lots of my school friends have kids now and their pictures are all over Facebook. I see what clothes they put them in and think "I wouldn't do that, you have made them look like a mini chav". I see kids in pushchairs with a dummy in and hate it and think to myself how I am never going to let my kid have a dummy as I hate to see kids with a dummy in. Especially when the kid is about 4 years old. Chavs! Not the kids, the parents. I over hear what parents say to their kids and think "you shouldn't speak to them like that, I wouldn't if they were mine". I have all these ideas about parenting and I know it sounds big headed but I think I would make a good mum. Strict, fair and loving. Ignore tantrums and not give in. I don't with my nephew. If I can be strict but firm with him and he is not even mine then surly it will follow with my own.
I do have a slight problem though...no one to make the baby with. I wont do the one night stand thing and get pregnant. Not yet anyway. If I get to 35 and I have not had kids then maybe then. At the moment I want the family thing. I don't want to lose the respect of my friends and family by being silly and getting pregnany off a one night stand.
I don't think I think that having a baby would "cure" me. I don't think it would make my problems magically go away. I am aware that as I already have a history of mental health problems I would probably get quite bad post natal depression. And, I know that it is not fair to bring a child up with me being the way I am at the moment. Maybe there is some naive thought processes in there similar to those that some teenage girls have that want something to unconditionally love and be loved back from. I don't think so though. My friends all laugh at me as I have been broody since I was about 13. They know that I am first in there to offer to hold someones kid, I love being around kids. I love how they hold a magical view of the world. I find child development fascinating and would love to see it happen with my own. So I know it's not just about being pregnant and having a new born. In fact, I find new borns quite dull. But, I do want the experience of being pregnant. Ideal for me would be pregnancy, and have a 3 month old born. No pain though. I am a wuss when it comes to pain. I have already decided I want an epidural and all the pain killers going. Free, legal drugs, who'd be stupid enough to turn those down.... That was a joke it would be kind of irresponsable to get pregnant just for the drugs.
I think pregnant women look beautiful. Not the chavy ones who wear short tops and show their bump off that way, but a nice fitted top so you can't see skin.
I know it wont happen any time soon. But, it doesn't stop me having dreams that I am pregnant and have a child. I have managed to deal kind of ok with Gom moving in his new girlfriend. Yeh, it upsets me but I can deal with it. It's when I find out she's pregnant that's I am not going to be able to deal with.
So what do I do now... make the most of having 2 of the most gorgeous nephews in the world. Practice makes perfect. One thing I will remember Gom for is when nephew number 1 was born he made a comment along the lines of, "yeah, we'll babysit, good practice, at least if we screw up they're not ours and can return them".
Oh, another piece of news I have, non baby related though. I went for assessment with a nurse the other day which I was referred to by the useless Psychiatrist I saw. Waste of time. She basically told me my case was too complex, I was still self harming so no one would see me and is going to refer me back to the waste of time Psychiatrist I saw before. I have an appointment with my GP on Monday. I know I am going to have to tell him about the meds and me not taking them. The psych suggested another one to take. I hold no faith in it. I have researched it and a lot of clincal trials have shown it is no better than a placebo. So not holding out for that one. I think I am going to ask to go back on Mirtazapine.
Well, this diary entry has run dry so I'll sign off.
x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
