I dream about you most nights. I wake up in tears having re-lived in my dreams what I went through last year. I don't know how I managed to hold it together. I did go travelling with a plan of not coming home. I was reckless. I put myself in situations that could have been dangerous to me. I got wasted on mushrooms and weed and alcohol and went swimming in a river. Raq was with me and enlisted the help of others to get me back safely. I just thought at the time, let me go. I don't care. I want to die.
It's stupid how much I still love you. There are so many things I hate about you.
You are so tight with money
You don't mind living in what resembles student accommodation
You wouldn't have the heating on when it was cold
The pants you used to wear. Old man boxers!
Having to plan meals out on a Sunday and then get really moody with me when I didn't feel like it that night.
You got angry over small things.
You are an old man who never wanted to do anything.
Our sex life was crap.
What turned you on really freaked me out. I would try and change it so the control thing was more bondage like but what you like was just weird.
You thought wanking was ok when I was around - do you have any idea how much that used to hurt my feelings.
You never wanted to try anything new in our sex life.
I could never stay up later than you as you say you couldn't sleep knowing that I was going to bed.
You got mardy with me when I wanted to sit with my feet on sofa - having laminate flooring and a cold house anyway meant I got really cold legs all the time and needed to sit with them up. Also I was not like you. I could not sit upright and not move. I like to sprawl out.
Your lack of understanding or trying to understand about my mental health.
I am sure there are many more. There are things I loved about you also.
You made me laugh.
Our bed time routine of having a few minutes of talk with no tv nothing and going over each of our days. We would then spoon for a while and then both turn our backs to each other and get as far away as possible from each other as we both like our space when we sleep.
Your stupid little bets...how one night you bet me you would be able to sleep with a ladder from a bunk bed between us. I won. I can sleep anywhere in any situation.
Our stupid talk.
Little in jokes.
You were always quite generous with me. When it came to birthdays and xmas you weren't tight with my presents.
You got me interested in travelling
You were my best friend. I didn't just lose my boyfriend when we broke up I lost my best friend. OK I wasn't honest with you about the self harm etc. You knew when I cut but you don't know that there were over doses that were nearly everyweek. I lost your family. I loved your family as much as I loved my own. They were my family also. I was with you such a long time. I miss your family so much. I lost my cat. You brought my him when I overdosed for the first time. The first time that was serious and with intent to die anyway. I called him my suicide cat. I couldn't take him with me as he was a bit violent towards other animals. But he was a big softy with humans. He was a stroking whore and would go to anyone who would stroke him. He would run to the door when it went to see who was there and he would meet you like a dog does when you come home from work. He used to beg for food also. He was a strange cat and I miss him like mad.
It's quite hard for me knowing you have moved LD in now. I chose that house with you. I helped you make all the changes we made. It was my home. I hated the way you always used to say things like it's my house, OK, you owned it but it was my home also. I lost everything in such a short space of time.
I don't think you will ever have any idea in to how much you hurt me.
Remember when we were in Australia. We both used to have dreams that we were back home and we used to wake up relieved that we were still in Australia. Well, I have dreams like that now. I dream we get back together. In the dream I know it is wrong and I wake up relieved that it's not true.
I would like to ask you why you tried to stay in contact with me. Why did you give me money for my birthday when you were with LD. You sent me pointless emails and things up until recently about small things that I couldn't care less about or asking me something. I would like to think you were wanting to stay in touch some how. Testing the waters. I have been really strong this time. I am not going to chase you anymore. The amount of times we broke up and I kept forcing the issue and we would end up getting back together. I wonder if I hadn't have done if things would have changed about how I feel now.
I know we shouldn't be together. I know we were not right as a couple. I am too bolshy and outgoing where as you prefer the quiet life. Also you couldn't handle the mental health problems could you. You didn't understand. You never really tried to either.
I went from being a child to being an adult while I was with you. I have a lot to thank you for. I genuinally do. But I have a lot to resent you for. I don't think these feelings will go anytime soon either. I am sorry for the hurt I caused you. I am sorry that we lost each other. In a way I am sorry we met.
I think you will always have a place in my heart though. As much as I hate you at the moment I think a small part of me will always love you.