Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Letter to Gom.

Dear Gom,

This month has been a year since we officially broke up for the last time. It has also been 10 months since I last saw you and about 10 weeks since you last sent me any correspondence. I thought writing you a letter would be therapeutic. Lets see shall we? You always said you hated that I wasn't honest with you so here we go!

I've done a lot since we broke up. I've travelled around Asia on my own, I suppose I do have you to thank for the love of travel as without you I would have never travelled. I fell off a motorbike while in Asia and 3 months later after getting home winded up in hospital as of the infection. I went on holiday with the family. The one that you were also invited on when it was all being arranged. You said you didn't want to go at the time. I understood why and I said I wouldn't go either. However, due to being ill from the infection I was coerced in to it as didn't really have any excuses as to why not. I started uni. I am finally going somewhere career wise and I know what I want to do and I am doing what I need to do to get me there.

Also though, my mental health problems have come back. The self harming is at it's worst. I suppose there is nothing holding me back. When we were together you used to get so angry at me for cutting and you used to know when I was going to do it, sometimes even before I did. Where as now, I don't have to show anyone my legs. I don't know if the depression returning and the self harm being at it's worst is related to our break up. I can't see that it can be really as we broke up last February and it only really started in September. Ok there were a few incidents after the break up but they were usually related to too much alcohol. I think the worst back then was when I had drank far too much one evening and then I had an impulsive moment where I ligated. I can't remember much about it. I vaguely remember leaving the bar and going up an alley way. I found a bungie cord and wrapped it around my neck. I must have passed out as I came around in the resus area at the hospital. I was pinned to a board and had one of those collars on me. They said I had tried to hang my self and then told me what with. I told them I was fine and that I hadn't tried to hang myself. I even denied the ligating. I am a crap liar though and my face gave it away as had loads of broken capillaries and I had bruising and rope burn where the cord had been. I look back on that incident now and kinda wished that had have killed me. I would have been dead if no one would have found me. I remember something about my sats being at 70%. Quite an easy way really as I would have just fallen asleep and never have known any better. They tried restraining me to the board as they said they were worried about my neck. I said ok but as soon as their backs were turned I had pulled every thing off and tried to do a runner. That got me a security escort. I suppose that was the closest I came really.

So how we broke up. It really messed me up. I suppose it would do to anyone. We were together 8 years. 8 and a half to be precise. I know we weren't without our problems and we had broken up so many times before and got back together. This time I didn't think it would be any different. It kind of came out the blue back in September 2009 when you said you wanted to break up as only a couple of weeks earlier we were talking of getting married. However, as things progressed I decided what we needed was a break. So I booked to go travelling. I honestly thought that I would go and when I came back it would be enough time a part and we would get back together. We had a lot of break ups where we got back together and I just thought this one would be the same. To humour you I said I would move out when I went travelling. Thinking oh yeah, he'll soon miss me and when I get back we'll be back living together. You went really weird on me. You kept shouting at me for no reason and you hit me and were quite violent with me on a couple of occasions. You had been in the past but usually I had instigated the violence so I suppose when you hit me I had asked for it. I don't condone domestic violence at all. I know I lost my temper with you on so many occasions and threw things at you and swung out at you. So on these occasions when you retaliated I couldn't blame you. Yet there were occasions where you were the one who started.

The first time was waaay back in 2006. We had been drinking and arguing but then you got really scary. I called the police as you were really scaring me. I hid in the spare room under the bed and you came in and dragged me out and started pushing me around. I was screaming at you to stop. I managed to get the door closed and locked on you and called the police. By the time they got there you were cool as a cucumber and I was in hysterics in the spare room bundled in a duvet. The police woman came in to the room and tried calming me down. They asked what happened and I explained. They said as it was your house and I didn't want you arrested ( I know thinking about this now seems stupid, why call the police if you don't want anything done. But you had calmed down and I thought that it could ruin our relationship if I got you arrested) one of us had to leave the house as they couldn't leave us together if it was a domestic violence call. Being as though you owned the house I was the one who had to go. So I went and stayed at a friends house.
A few weeks after the incident I got a voicemail left from the police on my phone saying they have looked in to my complaint and wont be taking it further as they didn't feel I was risk of anymore violence from you.

That was the first time it happened where I had not really done anything to provoke you. You did used to get angry and throw things when you were angry, sometimes at me also but it usually missed as I moved quick enough.

The next time was just before we ended in Feb. There was a period of about 10 days where there were a few incidents.

The first was when you pushed me and I went flying across the living room as I jokingly told you to move out the fucking way in a jokey sarcastic tone which you thought I was being serious. You shouted at me and then pushed me really hard.

 The second in this cycle where I was watching tv 2 rooms away and I could never hear you when you shouted from another room anyway. It used to annoy you but I can't help being deaf. You were shouting at me to help you with something. I was having a hard time of it over the past few days and was having low mood and grrr for no reason. When I heard you you started going mad at me as you had paint on your hands and you wanted me to squeeze some fairy up liquid in to your hands to wash them as you didn't want to get paint on the bottle. The way you asked me and the way I was feeling resulted in me having a bit of a strop and squeezing it really hard making loads come out. You then called me a stupid fucking bitch and as I walked behind you you elbowed me really hard in the stomach winding me. I was really shocked and upset and my response was to clout you round the head. So you chased after me then punched me twice really hard, as hard as you could in my shoulder blades. It meant I couldn't lift my arm properly and had to call in sick at work as I wouldn't have been able to restrain. I lay in bed that morning crying as of the hurtful things you said to me. You said I was being lazy and it was that I didn't want to go to work. You then abused me loads more.

The third was when you chased me again as I was running away from you up the stairs as you had swung out at me and you threw something at me as I was running up the stairs.

There were more occasions also where you threw things at me. I did consider going to the police after we broke up. But we had broken up and I thought it would have been more out of spite than anything. But at the same time if you could lose your temper like that with me maybe you would with future girlfriends. Maybe I should have done so something about you having done it in the past. But I always thought, who will believe me. I have mental health problems. Who will believe me they will think I am just doing it out of spite. Part of it would have been. Well most of it would have been but in the end I didn't.

So the break up. You had been acting really weird. You had been out the night before and it took you ages before you came to bed. The next morning you were carrying your phone around with you everywhere which was not like you. Your friends and family used to contact me to get hold of you. I knew something was going on. When you went in the shower you left your phone and I picked it up and looked at the messages. You had been in contact with a girl and you were arranging to meet her that night. You had told me you were going out with a friend. You had even asked me to give you a lift to go and play pool. I asked you who she was and you said no one. We started arguing and I said you could at least have the decency to wait until I went away before you started seeing other people.You responded with you are a fucking bitch, I hate you, I don't want you living here so if you don't like it fuck off somewhere else as you are not wanted here.

 I stormed out the house with his phone in my hand still. I drove around aimlessly for a bit and looked at your phone and gathered that you were arranging to meet her that night. You kept calling me and calling me on my mobile. I went to my parents and was sobbing on her shoulder. I hacked your facebook and hotmail and found that there was a few girls you were emailing and keeping in contact with. This one girl you were meeting that night you had spun a web of lies telling her things like we owned the house together and you were in the process of buying me out, that we were in separate rooms and a load of other stuff I couldn't really understand why you had said. I hacked your paypal account and transferred the savings I had put in your account for safe keeping back to me as I was worried you may not give them to me.

That night when you got in I asked you if you were still going to play pool with your friend. You said yes. I then said I knew where you were really going and if you were still going to go. You still said yes. So I told you if you went do not even think about coming back to the house. You went. That was on the Wednesday I didn't see you until the Saturday. I don't know where you were and I hadn't even heard from you. On the Saturday we had another argument. You got really spiteful and pushed me around a bit. I said I couldn't bare to be around you and then you kept going on how it was your house and that I should get out. In the end you asked if you could borrow my phone to call your mum to come get you. I still hadn't given you yours back. Why should I when you were arranging dates and stuff. I disconnected the land line also. So you called your mum.

Next thing I know you both storm in to the bedroom. I was in bed watching tv and you are with your mum with a load of boxes saying get out. Get some stuff together and get out. You said you couldn't be in the house alone with me as you were scared. What a load of crap. I felt like a psych patient. You both stood there watching me while I tried to put a few bits together. It was horrible. I said i needed to get changed and you both just stood there. I had to ask you to leave the room so I could get dressed. It was mortifying. I really did feel like a psychiatric patient. You made me feel so small. You really did make me question my own sanity. I wanted to speak you alone but you wouldn't send your mum away. As I went downstairs your mum said she was really sorry things worked out the way they had. She said how the family loved me and I said I loved all of them and she gave me a hug. I got changed and jumped in the car. I drove down to the river. Loads of thoughts were going through my mind and I didn't know what to do. I really wanted to talk to you. I was also thinking of just driving the car in to the river.

I called my brother but he wasn't available. I called my friend and she said go back. Get a few bits and get out of there. She knew that you could become violent and she said that I had kept going back to you time and time again and I should get some pride and stop. So I went back to the house. You had tried to lock me out by putting the key in the front door but I got in. I spoke to my brother and he said grab a few bits for the night and go stay with them until I went travelling. I knew by this point that this was it. I knew that I needed to not have you in my life anymore. You made me question my own sanity. You made me doubt myself.

I saw you a couple of times before I went travelling. One night I turned up at yours at about 4am really drunk thinking I still lived there. I had taken a few pills that night and was not quite with it. I was hallucinating and was quite out of it. You let me stay. The next morning you started telling me how I needed professional help and you thought I needed to be in psychiatric care.

I didn't really cry that much for you. I never cried in front of my friends and there was only the one occasion in front of family I cried. I was concerned about my mental health. The following week I was at work. It was on the Monday after the Saturday when it all happened. I was working on the psych assessment ward and I was having paranoia attacks. I was delusional. I was manic. Everything was going at a million miles an hour. There was no sequence to my thinking. I thought that I was a patient. I knew deep down I wasn't but I was having these thoughts. I was being paranoid that the doctors were really assessing me. I went to my GP that afternoon and said I need help. I want to be referred to psych services as I was concerned. I said I needed something to chill me out. I begged for some diazepam. I explained all that was going on and what I was feeling. The diazepam worked. It slowed things down and it brought me out of the manic state.

It was about this time I started to blood let. Not much at a time. Just more sticking a needle in to the vein and then letting it bleed. I didn't see this as self harm was wasn't serious. It was cutting that was self harm. So I went travelling and I was fine. I was happy. When I landed in Bangkok I could have cried. I never felt so free. So liberated. I hadn't cut since September. It was 6 months since I had cut. Then in May I was speaking to your sister and looking through her photos from her birthday and saw pictures of you with your arms round a girl. I knew it wasn't one of your sisters friends and had seen you became friends with her on facebook in March. I then realised this was a new girlfriend. I was so hurt. I tried getting hold of some friends back home but couldn't. I was on a night out with some girls I had met the day before on a tour so we were having a night drinking in Hue Vietnam. They could tell something wasn't right and I told them. They helped cheer me up and told me you weren't worth the upset when I had told them what had gone on in the past between us. I did cut that night. Well I started to. I was cutting and all of a sudden this thought came to me "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? DO NOT CUT OVER HIM"! So I didn't. I stopped. I wasn't going to chance getting ill as of infected wounds and even cutting over you. I cried and I cried though. They next day I felt so guilty. I was paranoid as I felt people would know what I had done with the cutting etc.

That night I was getting an over night train from Hue to Hanoi. I met this lovely guy on the train and we sat talking way in to the night drinking vodka. Nothing happened. I wouldn't tell you anyway and I am not telling you to make you jealous as I doubt you would be. But he was so nice. He reminded me not all men are dickheads. It was then I cut off all ties with you. I told you never to contact me again and I hated you. You tried calling me and calling me and sending me emails.

I was upset you had moved on so quickly. Here I was seemingly ok to other people about the break up between us and you had moved on and forgotten. Why should you be happy after how you had treated me. Why should you be able to move on and forget. I resented you. I hated you. For some stupid reason I still loved you.

I was told by a couple of different sources that your new girlfriend was VERY dull. I thought Raq was just saying that her being my friend and every thing. But when Neve told me also. She had spent quite a bit of time with you and LD (my term for looks a bit retarded - I can't exactly give her a nice name can I when she is your new bit). She said LD had nothing about her and really didn't know what you saw in her. But then you were an old man who was quite boring so you were probably quite a good match. From what I have heard it suprises me. It seems as though this girl has no ambition in life an lives for her job as shop assistant. Don't you want someone who has dreams and ambitions. Or is it just that. You like to feel as though you have the upper hand.

I saw you a couple of times before I went travelling. One night I turned up at yours at about 4am really drunk thinking I still lived there. I had taken a few pills that night and was not quite with it. I was hallucinating and was quite out of it. You let me stay. The next morning you started telling me how I needed professional help and you thought I needed to be in psychiatric care.

So the SH started in September again. Quite bad. The worst it's ever been. I don't know if it's related to you. I have seen so many different people. I have even been told being sectioned is a possibility. Seems you may have been right. You always did seem to know what was best for me. I think I should probably be in hospital. But, at the moment the threat of people finding out is enough for me to try and have some control over it. If family and friends knew then what control would I have. There would be no stopping me. I keep arguing with myself over it. My main thing is stigma. And people being aware of it and that it could affect my career chances. I tell myself and others like Mike (the psych nurse I have seen at psych medicine) and Sam (my counsellor) that if i was admitted then there would be no stopping me with the self harm. That it would get worse as I would have no reason to control it anymore as people would already know. I tell them it would send me over the edge pushing me further in. The thing is I know from having worked in psych myself that patients like me who I have worked with are the ones who end up on high obs so they can't SI. I know if I was a member of staff and we had someone like me I would ensure that they couldn't hurt themselves. It's stupid isn't it that I am even thinking of ways in which I would SH if I were to go in.
Anyway I will continue this on a different blog as getting rather long.

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