I saw Dr T the Psychiatrist today. I wrote a long post and reply on SF so I thought I would just copy and paste it here. I come back to this and read what I wrote previously. (If you are a reader from SF there is more at the end in this colour that is not on SF).
I saw the Psychiatrist. He challenged on my thoughts etc. I found it really hard. I could see what he was doing though. One of the things he said was "you have come and asked for help. But it seems as though you don't actually want it". He meant that I came to appointments and I was asking to be helped but I am not doing anything to help myself. He said the times when I needed help the most I wasn't seeking it out. I think I can deal with things on my own and file the problem away but really I haven't dealt with it. Like on Friday I was feeling bad, agitated, suicidal etc. I thought I had dealt with it but Saturday went to show I hadn't. He asked me why I wouldn't ring crisis team, I was under their care for a reason and how it looked to him was that I wasn't accepting the help that had been offered.
I explained to him that I thought I could deal with things myself and that I felt pathetic at having to ring them when it is minor things that have got me in to a tizzle. I feel that there are people who are in worse situations who deserve their time and I prefer to try and deal with it on my own. I explained how I found it really hard to speak to people on the phone. Especially people I didn't know. That's why these hot lines don't work for me. If I am talking about something personal I need to see their face to gauge their reactions. I can talk about it on here and my blog as it is anonymous. I said I have a thing of where I get to know someone and then rely on them for support. I said I knew it was unhealthy but I struggle to be open and honest with people I don't know. One of the things that worries me about crisis team is having to explain everything. Having a different person each time and having to tell them everything.
He then went on to say that I couldn't just rely on one or two people. What if they are ill, on annual leave etc. I know what he is saying as I could really do with talking to Sam my counsellor about the weekend but I know she is on annual leave. She said text me if you have any problems but I don't want to disturb her time off. It's not fair on her. I would call Mike at PM but there is nothing they can do as they are assessment only. So that leaves me with no one to call and no one to off load on about what went on at the weekend.
Anyway...plan of action...
Clinical Psychology want to work through the counsellor I already see. The Clinical Psychologist supervises a lot of staff already from that organisation. Dr T said there was a good chance she already knew my case as may have been discussed in supervision...but she wouldn't know me by name. So what they are hoping for is the clinical psychologist to lead Sam in what she does with me. This would work a lot better for me as would mean I didn't have to go to the hospital where I have worked numerous times to go see her and have that risk each time I go and I am limited on when I can see people. I have counselling sessions in the evening after work which works and I only have half a day each week as study leave. So fitting it in around that schedule would be hard and could mean I am waiting weeks if not months for an appointment that would come up when I have that half a day off. He also said it would probably be better for me to work like that as it's obvious I find it hard to trust new people and find it hard to build up that relationship to it means I can continue to work with Sam who I know and don't have the stress of the new person thing. He also said if I was to work with the Clinical Psychologist directly I would have to stop seeing Sam as wouldn't work as approaches may be slightly different.
I am being referred to have a key worker/CPN. I asked him for one quite early on in the appointment and he said that was something he was going to discuss with me as he thought that would be beneficial.
He asked me if I would call crisis team when I am struggling. I find it hard to know when I am struggling and what if any triggers are. He asked me if I thought if they should call me and I said that would be better then I don't have the hurdle of picking up the phone.
He said he could tell I was putting up a lot of barriers and that I wasn't doing myself any favours. I told him about trying to kill myself while I was in hospital. He asked me why. I told him why. He challenged me over that saying I had gone to the hospital for the infection in my leg wanting help. I had gone voluntarily so it was obs something I was concerned about. Yet while I am there I tried to kill myself. He asked why then. I explained that I was struggling. I told him I did even try crisis team but I couldn't get through. I had told the nurse I was also.
He said I didn't try hard enough to get through as all I needed to do was call local hospital switch board and asked to be put through. I thought if I did that it would page them (as the person I did speak to at psychiatric hospital switch board said I needed to call local hospital switch board and they would page them) and I didn't want them rushing down thinking I was going to top myself I just wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to speak to someone. I was really freaking and couldn't self harm which I had tried.
I explained that I saw it as an opportunity for it to look like an accident. He then went on about consequences. Who would have paid them. I said no one. As it would have been an accident and he went on to tell me how wrong I was saying that the nurses would have been found negligent and the ward staff and others on the ward would have paid the consequences. So that made me feel bad. I am already feeling bad about what happened over the weekend and had a shit result back on one of my essays. So yeah not good really.
He asked me to throw my needles away. I was honest and said I wouldn't. I said I knew I would cut more if I did and I saw that as being worse as meant that I required services. And that this was stopping me from cutting. I knew I couldn't throw them away. Not yet. I am not sure if I ever will be able to. Even if I come out of this episode then I will need to have them there as a just in case.
So now I suppose I have to wait for crisis team to get in contact. For CPN/key worker referral to go through and for the next time I see Dr T which will be towards the end of March. So no change really. I am still in the same position. I still feel crap and suicidal. It was noticed today also that I was quiet at work. I just blamed it on being tired.
So I don't really know what I can do now. Not seeing Sam until a week on Wednesday as of her annual leave.
I was asked a couple of questions from other members about being challenged and other support groups...
At first I wanted to get up and walk out. But I calmed myself down and saw what he was doing. And to be fair to him I could see his point. So I wasn't going to achieve anything by doing that.
Dr T is ok actually. I wasn't keen at first but today my opinion changed of him. I can see where he is coming from and see what he is getting at. And looking at what he is doing from a professional point of view I get it and agree. It's just that I don't like being challenged and can become quite defensive. But in his position I would be doing exactly what he is.
In terms of groups etc...I wont do them. I know I posted yesterday about people asking for help and when people were suggesting things they kept knocking them back. And being in agreement with the person who wrote something quite controversial about a person and I agreed with them. I realise I am being that way also. Having asked for help and not prepared to listen. I have reasons for not doing groups or even going to certain places. The first being is that because of what I am doing and what I have done. I work in social care. I don't want to risk coming across my own service users. I have already experienced meeting service users when I have been in the waiting room at the psych offices. Then I have seen social workers who I have been in contact with through work while I have been waiting. I can't risk people I work with seeing me and either finding out what has been going on. The other thing about groups is I can't talk to people. I can't unless I am in a private place, there is no chance of others over hearing and I know that person. I need to feel some kind of connection to that person for me to be able to tell them anything.
Yes I can tell someone who is from psych medicine, a nurse who I have never met that I self harm, that recently has got worse and I feel low. But that is about as far as it goes. I don't tell people about me. Nothing about my thoughts or what goes through my head. Yesterday with the nurses on 136 suite I was able to tell a little bit more to as I spent 8 hours there. He didn't push me and he was really good...and it was a he!!!! For some strange reason I am able to talk to blokes better than I can women.
I want to build a support circle. Not a social one. This is all private to me. To friends it is scary and they don't understand. It scares them. I don't want to push them away. I did that a couple of years back and went a year without seeing a lot of my friends. I am different to my friends in the fact that I self harm. It's not something I expect them to understand or that I even want them to. I want my friends for going out with, having fun with. I am the strong one. I am the one who has worked in psychiatric places, I am the one who is working towards a career in an area which involves mental health. I am the one they ask advice from. I am the one who is strong. I don't want people worrying about me. I want to be able to talk to someone and not shock them with what I have to say or make them overly worry. For me having worked in psychiatric care I know within those circles self harm and mental health is something that is discussed every day. I have worked with people who have done shocking things (eg..woman's private place also known as a hidey hole - gross I know but some of the stories I have you would never believe), I know in that client group I am normal! I am not over worried about. Mental health is so stigmatised and I don't want my family and friends thinking I am different as they would do if they knew what was going on. I don't want to feel any more "strange" than I already do. It's bad enough me dealing with it without making other people deal with it. I want a professional support circle as within that I am normal. Here I am normal and anonymous.
And to be honest I don't think I have any friends who I could confide like that. I don't have any really close friends any more. I used to. But since 2008 when I cut myself off I have never really got back the closeness and not been able to confide in them. And as awful as it sounds I am embarrassed by myself and the feelings I have.
So tonight. I thought I would try and talking to a friend. I thought I would be able to have a chat properly and try and be honest. See what a good friend I am I didn't even know her grand dad died only last week. I couldn't off load on her when she has that to deal with. This friend Raq, I let her read my diary a couple of years ago and it was after that I cut off contact. I was embarrassed by it. I am embarrassed by myself. So I decided I wasn't going to say anything. She asked me if I had been on any dates recently as we usually have a good laugh about the nutters I have met on line. I just said I haven't even bothered. She asked why not and I just said my head wasn't in the right place. She asked me if I was bad again. I said yeah. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I mentioned the counsellor first and then told her that was seeing a psychiatrist. I haven't said anything else and I changed the subject or gone in to any detail. I don't want to tell people I know. I just don't want to let anyone close to me at the moment.
The drive helped though. I had the music on really loud and when I was driving along I was screaming out the songs. Especially the Fuck You song by Cee Lo Green. In my own selfishness of being depressed etc I have let my friendships go to pot. They don't even contact me to let me know someone close has died.
I am also in a bit of a mess as I had some marks back today from work I have done at uni. I was expecting a good mark and I only just passed. It's the second essay I have had back. I passed the first one but again only just. I put so much time and effort in and only just passing them. It really makes me wonder if I am cut out to be doing a Masters. In my degree I never really cared that much. I didn't put effort in and would leave doing the essay until the day before it was due in. And I was still getting better marks. I don't mind getting average marks when I don't put effort in. But when I put loads of effort in and still only get average grades it really is making me question if I am doing the right thing. Should I have done the undergraduate course instead? So been feeling shit about that, the psychiatrist appointment and just everything in general really. I don't know how much more I can take. I am starting to feel and think "WHAT IS THE POINT". Yeah sure I will be good at the job, hopefully unless I royally screw up. But there are plenty of other great social workers out there. I am sure some of the ones I am training will be amazing. So I will be one less. So what!
As I said to them in the MHA assessment on Sunday, the course is the one positive thing, the one thing that keeps me going,
Dr T said he was glad I wasn't sectioned. He did say also that being hospital isn't best for me at the moment. At the MOMENT. So does that mean if it carries on it would be? He also said if I went in it would be a matter of weeks for full assessment. He doesn't know that I spend a lot of time researching methods. He doesn't know it's one of those things that I always think about. It is taking over my life. I have told Sam. But as I don't have a definite plan then she can't say anything to anyone. But if they knew just how much it was going through my head and there is only one thing that is keeping me going then what would they do? I think his biggest concern is that I don't speak to anyone. That I only really speak to Sam about things and I need to learn to ask for help when I am in Crisis Point. I don't want to ask for help when I feel like that. I worry it will be seen as attention seeking. I really don't think I will be calling anyone from that team. If I want to SH I will usually. I really don't know what I am going to do!