Went to see Dr T this morning. And I am kinda pissed off kinda puzzled. Being pissed off after appointments with him is pretty standard. He asks me what I want, I tell him and he knocks me back. Why not just tell me what's going to happen.
He asked how things had been and I said they hadn't changed drastically but there had been a little change but I didn't know if this was due to pills or because things had changed. I said I would like to increase the dose of the Quetiapine. My theory being that if changes were due to medication then increasing the dose would increase how I feel. At first he knocked me back saying he wasn't going to do that. I said why I thought it may be worth doing it and in the end he agreed to put the dose up to 400mg from 300mg. He said he wouldn't increase it any more as any higher would see more side affects and he wants to keep it at a therapeutic dose (what ever that is) and he said because I am not psychotic he said he wouldn't give me a dose which is to treat psychosis. Which is fair enough. I have never said or felt that I have psychosis.
He asked me why I went to see him and I said because I was told to and for medication. He said usually people were only under their service for about a year and then they went on to a recovery team. He said that was more for people with strong diagnosable disorders. So he said he would be looking at referring me back to my GP. I feel he hasn't actually done anything and since I have been under him since the beginning of the year I don't feel as though anything has changed. So again, it feels like I have been labeled as untreatable and just being turfed back to where I came from.
I mentioned I had suicidal thoughts and he didn't ask about them. So I didn't elaborate anymore. I couldn't see the point when he just discredits my feelings. I told him how I had been seeing Sam since before Xmas and that I hadn't really seen any improvement in how I am feeling and what is there. He kept going on about how it would be something that makes me self harm. I disagreed with him. Why does there need to be a reason. And he was telling me how I wouldn't be getting veins where I was self harming. I disagreed with him also on that saying that all the sites that I blood let is where they have put cannulas in before so I knew there were veins there and that they way it bled gave it away that it was a vein. He said not. I left it at that. It's as though he wants to challenge me and say I am wrong on everything. It's as though every thing I say is wrong in his eyes.
He just makes me so angry and pissed off.
I think when I am discharged in a couple of months will be my time to leave Sam also. I don't want to go to the counselling anymore. It's obviously not working for me. I find writing on here a lot more therapeutic than counselling. Also, I feel less restricted on here. I can say what I want and not feel stupid. Sometimes speaking about my thoughts out loud I feel really stupid. It's like voicing them makes me mad. Like when I was talking about the paranoia that people were following me it felt so stupid saying it out loud. Does anyone else get that?
I don't think there is anything major in my past that would cause how I am now. It's just the way it is.
I will be glad to get away from that Psychiatrist anyway. He hasn't exactly helped and he just pisses me off. Also, as I have said before the only reason I go is so they don't section me. It will be nice to have that freedom and not feel as though evidence is being gathered against me.