Tuesday, 25 October 2011


I am no longer under section. Yay! The PDoc took me off it today when I went in after leave. So I am happy about that. I was totally honest with doc. I said I was having more suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm, however, I hadn't self harmed, but I felt that this was more to not having the opportunity to, not because I was making the conscious decision or making the conscious effort not to.

He said it was expected that I would be having more thoughts and struggling as my structure has been taken away and I don't know what's going to happen. He said when I am a person who doesn't really plan too far in to the future because I don't know where I will be with moods it is going to be hard for me to have to wait a year before being allowed to go back to uni.

Being at uni was the thing that gave me structure to my life. I had something to concentrate on. I have voiced my concerns that without this in place I will sink back and end up in a vicious downward spiral. The doc agreed with me and said that it is critical that I work with the community OT because of it giving me some structure. Beth is getting something set up with community OT for me so that something will be in place.

At the moment I am finding it really hard to do most things for myself. If I am told to go to an appointment I will get up and shower and go. But to do things for myself, then I am struggling. I have had a few PJ days where I haven't showered, brushed my teeth or done anything with myself. It's gross really. My mum has had a go at me for it also.

I do feel my mood has dipped in the last couple of weeks. I can't say I am in a depressive episode as I don't think I am. It worries me that it could be the start of one and maybe the sodium valporate isn't working after all. But, I suppose the PDoc is right in what he says. It is to be expected. Being told I couldn't go back to uni this year has hit me really hard which is a normal reaction when someone has worked so hard to get on the course and then worked hard while they have been on it.

So I am going to be under Dr T again. I am really not happy about this. I don't like him. I feel that he doesn't listen to me and he changes what I say. He will tell me I am feeling feelings I am not and ignores the ones I am. I was seeing him on a monthly basis before I was admitted and I suppose in a way I kind of feel let down by him especially as I did share with him things were getting worse for me and I was having strong suicidal thoughts. But, saying that, I know I have to take responsibility for it myself. It was my decision to try and kill myself and I did not do all I could to stop me taking those steps. In this I mean that I was not honest with people and I did not work with Crisis team. So I can't say I blame him.

There is a support plan in place for me, I'm not exactly sure what it is though. I don't know how often I will be seeing Beth or Dr T. I have been proactive in one thing though. I have made an appointment to see Sam again. I am looking forward to seeing her as I really like her. I feel as though I have a good relationship with her. I will miss her when she goes on maternity leave.

If I am honest I am feeling a little lost at the moment. Not sure why, but it's how I feel. I think maybe I became institutionalised slightly. It was weird walking out for the last time today. Hopefully I am heading in the right direction. I have been told I am (and I have been honest with them), I just feel different and am kinda worried I'm not. I have this feeling deep down that something is not right. I suppose it's something to talk about with Sam when I see her on Wednesday.

For now though...I'm off to bed!


Anonymous said...

im glad ur back gp i kept checking ur blog everyday while u were away hoping ud written. All you can do is be honest and ur doing that so good luck girl im rooting for u!!!

Anonymous said...

Hey thats excellent news about the discharge - well done.

I think your feeling lost because you need to find something new to focus on in the interim before you go back to college. I've just finished a major piece of work that took up all my free time and I feel completely lost as well now!

My suggestion is to set yourself some learning targets for secondary skills you want to achieve before you go back to uni.

I think its often the secondary skills that can make or break a professional - who knew in my job for instance that the way to reach disaffected older teenagers would be through bicycle repair? or that they would respect a 50+ womens views on the subject?

Or that my ability to touch type would mean that I take less than half the time my colleagues need to write a report, leaving me more time to go the extra mile for my clients and which means I have a better relationship with them and consequenlty my stress levels are significantly reduced.

I'm sure you'll think of plently of more interesting / appropriate things to do, - but I can't stress enough just how useful these seconday skills are (and in somecase more useful than anything you will get taught on your course)

Good luck

Butterfly said...

Well done on the discharge! Sounds like you have worked hard and have done well on being able to be honest about your feelings! Yay!

You will feel lost for a while. Being ins hospital gives you some kind of structure as did uni. I have had to take a break from uni myself and I feel like I have lost structure also. But working with the community OT hopefully you will be able to find some sort of structure. Even if it is something simple like going for a walk or going swimming your day will be full of something.

Maybe now Dr T will stop with his head being up his arse and listen to you. And maybe he will stop making assumptions and thinking you are BPD when really you aren't and can work with you with this new diagnosis.

Glad to hear you got in contact with Sam. Well done!!

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