I think things are stable at the moment. But then when I am still planning on attempting in about 3 weeks I guess they can't be as stable as I think they are.
I have been planning it for a few months now. I have come out of the horrible depression but something still lurks. Something is hiding in the shadows waiting to pounce. It's how I feel all the time. The not knowing is killing me. I feel as though I have adrenaline coursing through my veins and I am on high alert. But this is my stable. This, other than those feelings of the adrenaline, is I suppose as close to normal as I am ever going to get.
I don't know why when I feel like maybe things are a bit more stable that I continue to plan for that night in the not to distant future. I made my decision about it when I was stuck in that deep black hole. But, even though I have somehow climbed out of it I am still left with the same plans, the same thoughts. The cycles are pretty normal for me. Low for a few weeks, come out of it for a week or so, low again, normal, high for a few weeks, then back to being normal. But how long for? It's always the same. It may be a few months I feel pretty normal for. I think the longest may have been about 3-4 months. Even when I was travelling last year I wasn't right. Those thought processes were not the thought processes of a normal person.
I was meant to see Sam yesterday. I cancelled. I came home from work early and I couldn't be bothered to leave the house again. She asked me last week about my thoughts on these next few weeks as I mentioned to her before about attempting when I am planning. But I didn't let her think it was a definite. I said it was a maybe. She asked me what I thought now on the whole thing. I lied and said I hadn't really given it much thought. I am finding it harder and harder to be honest with her. I am finding it harder and harder to be honest with myself.
Am I stable? I feel it but the thoughts and plans would suggest otherwise.