I wanted to talk more about how I feel and yesterday's post. I couldn't write all I wanted to as I did it from my phone and I have fat fingers so can't use the querty key pad so I do it on the numeric pad and it takes ages.
Anyway, I wanted to write down my feelings more so I can make sense of them. I went to see Sam today and I said I was feeling low and the thoughts of suicide were coming in thick and fast. I explained how I hadn't made a plan but I had thought of a few different methods that I could use. I also said I thought that a lot of this was because I feel as though I have no purpose.
Currently I don't do anything at all during the day. I have no purpose. But I feel as though I am in a vicious circle. I talked at length with Sam about this as I feel as I get lower the less I want to do anything about it. I said that the thoughts make me feel angry and sad. These thoughts and feelings usually lead to behaviours, and if you have read my blog in the past you know what these behaviours are. I feel unmotivated at the moment as I do feel low. Being unmotivated means I stay in bed til lunch time and don't do anything during the day unless someone makes me. This will be my mum making me get showered and dressed or having appointments I need to attend. The feeling of not having purpose comes from not being at uni.
When I was at uni I felt I had some purpose in life in that I was learning so that eventually I could give something back. It gave me structure, it gave me routine, it gave me some sense of achievement when I passed assignments or got positive feedback on something I'd done. Although the course was not without it's stress it was something I enjoyed. And it's been taken away from me. So yeah, I know and I have been told by numerous people that it's quite normal that I feel low.
I have thought about volunteer work so I feel as though I do have some purpose and I can give something back to society but if I am truthful I don't want to do it. I don't feel as though I can do it at the moment. I know I will need to get some paid employment eventually but again at the moment I don't feel as though I could hold a job down. Not with my lack of motivation and lack of concentration.
So there is the circle. I don't have the energy to help myself at the moment and so it makes me feel worse.
I had a phone call from Beth earlier (my CPN/CCO if you had forgotten who she is), I am still seeing her on a weekly basis, she has referred me to OT in the community. They are coming with her tomorrow to see what they can offer me. But again, I have the feeling of not wanting to do anything. I had planned what I wanted to do and it was taken away from me and I don't want to do anything else. I know I need to take responsibility for how I am feeling and not let it spiral again, but I don't think I can.
I am also feeling shit about the medication I have to take at the moment. It's a ball ache sorting it all out. It wasn't so bad when I was in hospital as all I would have to do is go collect it and swallow it but doing it myself is just annoying. I also think the Sodium Valporate is causing me to have extreme nausea. It's terrible. For the past week I have been getting it really bad in the afternoon and throughout the evening. It has a big effect on me and it makes me not want to take it. The whole thing with medication makes me not want to take any of it and I have considered just stopping taking it. Part of me thinks fuck it why bother with it as eventually you'll kill yourself anyway but then there is part of me that knows that it works. The SV has worked at stabilising my mood out. The lofepramine brought me out of the deep depression I was in when I was first admitted. But it's too much. I am on 3 different psychiatric drugs plus my contraceptive pill and the medication I am supposed to take 3x a day for PCOS. I rattle. I don't want to be on all this medication.
Most of it at the moment is I don't want to help myself. But I don't know why. I don't have the confidence that I can help myself. I don't want to end up in hospital again. More because what it will do to my family than me. For me being in hospital is an easy way to self harm and attempt. But, I know that my family will be devastated if I have to go back in again.
Sam was saying I needed to help myself and I was explaining to her since being in hospital and then being told I needed to stop my course over the next year it had really knocked my confidence and I didn't feel as though I could do it. I became quite tearful which is a regular occurrence at the moment.
I know what I need to be doing, but I don't think I can. But what does that mean for me?