Friday, 22 July 2011

It's My Decision

Sam said it's all up to me. She said I need to be calling people when I get it in my head I wanna do something. I can see where she's coming from, but, once it is in my head there is no getting rid of it. I am more bothered about the in between bits and making sure it doesn't get in my head in the first place. I said this to her earlier.

They had a meeting about me today. Sam, the CPN (who I think I saw 2 or 3 times) and the clinical psychologist who is supervising Sam. Sam knows most about me. I was quite guarded with what I told the CPN and I have never met the Clinical Psychologist. The CP is working through Sam. I was referred to her by Dr T. They decided because I have a good relationship with Sam that it doesn't make sense changing over to someone else. Makes sense really. Although this was all decided before I was made to tell uni and since then I have become more guarded with what I say.

The CPN is also on annual leave at the same time as Sam. Not that I would call her anyway. They wanted me to go see Dr T on the 1st of August but I don't get back until the evening. I have been told I need to ring the team I am under if things start going wrong. They are also going to make a referral to Crisis team again. I don't know if they will come and see me though. I know I won't call them. So I am pretty much in same position. I told Sam I still feel the same. I still want to die.

I have a new plan now also, but I have not said that. I can't help my self. I am not going to ask for help with it. I am not going to let people know I have plans. I have been told I need to try. I agreed, but I feel I was just saying the things people wanted to hear. Also, I couldn't really talk. I was in a kids play area and there were loads of people around. I don't know how to be honest. Especially when I feel like this as I know what I want. I do feel that the only way there is to keep me safe is to be locked up on high obs. But even then, I would probably find ways. I know tricks. You learn quite a lot working in psychiatric units with some of the most manipulative people I have ever met. I honestly believe being in a hospital would make things worse. I am not saying it as a threat. But, I realise it may sound like that. I have to be careful how I word it when speaking to people as I appreciate it may sound like that.

So why do I think it would be worse? Well at the moment, no one knows. Not the whole extent of things. In some ways that makes me have some control. In that there are only certain times when I attempt. If people were to know there would be no holding me back. It would also ruin me. There would be no way I could work in mental health. So what would I have then? At the moment, there is some tiny part that is holding on and wants a future. If that future would be ruined then I would have nothing. I know that probably sounds, actually I don't know how it sounds. But not good, a bit whiny and a bit "oh poor me".

At the meeting they have said they didn't want me in hospital. But, it doesn't mean it wont happen. And it doesn't mean I am not paranoid about it. I even rationalise with myself about what I write on here and suicide forum. I am paranoid that someone who I don't want reading it may read it. I wonder if someone like Sam had read it then if she could break confidentiality. It's not anything I have told her, so does it count as breaking confidentiality. She has said in the past if she was going to have to break it she would inform me first. At least that would give me a heads up. I could bring things forward or do a runner. I think I would probably end up doing a runner. Getting far away and doing what I need to do where I could be on my own. I'd probably go to the coast. I have a thing about the sea.

I know I wont be calling anyone about anything. I just need to say the right things. The thing is I have made my decision to have another go at it. So what's the point in calling someone now? I have made up my mind. What I need is someone to talk to when I don't feel like I want to kill myself. I need someone so I don't get to the suicidal point. But it's kind of passed all that now so I am not sure if anything can now be done. Probably not. I just need to keep saying the right things and be careful with what I say to people. But. Saying that. I won't be seeing anyone before the next attempt, so I need not worry really.

The other day Sam asked me if I wanted to carry on with the counselling. I think she had the idea that I wasn't going to go anymore. I suppose I have not been in a few weeks. I haven't really committed so it's probably where she got the idea from. I have only seen her once since the 8th of June. I am not going to see her until the middle of August. She said she knew something was going on the other week when I cancelled. I said it was that I was ill. I was in a way. I was tired and feeling a bit meh. Sometimes you just don't feel like talking.

Sam has been amazing. I feel she has gone above and beyond what she should be doing. I bet when she first met me she didn't expect to be the main support person, to liaise with everyone else, to be going to Psychiatrist appointments with me, to be going to meetings about me, to be helping me with uni stuff, to have someone from an external organisation supervising her and possibly changing the way she works. She has put so much time and effort in to me. It leaves me feeling really bad as I have been seeing her coming up to 9 months now and I don't seem to have improved. It's a charity that is not funded by NHS. If it was NHS and she was doing what she was doing it would be more understandable. But, she puts so much time in. She has just emailed me a letter now at 20.30 on a Friday night that asked her about. I decided I was going to apply for an extension on my essay and asked her if she would support me. So I get an email back from her so late. I feel bad for asking so much of her. Especially when I don't seem to give that much back. She is amazing. I never expected so much from someone and have got so much from her.

If you were in my position what would you do? Not what should I do and what is right, but what would you be doing?

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