This is going to be my last fight. I don't have the energy. Part of me is fighting to stay on the course as I am scared about what will happen if I am not. It keeps me going at the moment. It gives me purpose. I enjoy it. Take it away, your taking away any fight I have in me.
I have never been honest with people about my feelings before. This is telling me that it was wrong. Why should I be honest when it has negative consequences. Being honest hasn't helped me. It's not made it so people can care. It's made it worse. I wish I never asked for help. I wish I had never gone to counselling. Don't get me wrong, if I was in Sam's position I would be doing the same. I am not angry at her. I am angry at myself. But I feel should I never have gone to counselling then I wouldn't be in this position. I wouldn't have felt worse in myself as of discussing things like I have been. I wouldn't be threatened with losing my place on the course. So I am angry at myself. I hate myself for thinking things would get better.
I am pissed off.