Thursday, 17 March 2011

Not Going To Go Without A Fight.

So what have I decided. The title says it all.

I know I am no risk. I know as soon as I felt how I was feeling affected my work I would take a step back. It's not now and I can't see it being.

When I go to work I am a different person. I leave all my issues at the door and don't pick them up until I go home. I have even said weekends are the hardest as I have too much free time.

I can see Sam's point. And put in her position it would concern me also. But what she doesn't know is that I don't let it affect work. I can let them know how important doing the course is etc but I don't see how that would change their mind as I am working with potentially vulnerable people. I don't want to keep saying how important it is for me to be doing it as of my own mental health as that will make them think I am doing it and there are costs involved. What I need to make them see is that I don't take any of my issues in with me. That the way I am won't affect the people that I work with. I know they mentioned that bit about me in there but I think that was just to soften the blow a little. And probably they were hoping that I wouldn't see the negatives in it all by thinking all they are concerned about is the people I work with.

I am not concerned about what the placement and course is doing to me. It makes me happy. What I am concerned about is, if I have to stop! As well as me knowing that I am fine doing it, I know if I am not doing it I wont be fine. How many times have I said that it is the one positive thing in my life which is going in the way I want it to? How many times have I said if people were to know then there would be a greater loss of control. I can't tell them this though can I? I can't tell them this as it looks as though I am threatening them with "if you do this, then I will no longer be held responsible for my own actions". I need to show them that I am stable enough, without my only argument being that I don't want people knowing and I know that the course is keeping me alive! Me telling them this makes me not look ok, and that they are probably right. I need to keep away from this argument.

So, what am I going to do?


First off I am telling Sam to hold off intervening as I want to be the one who speaks to uni. Before I speak to uni though I want to get the support of my GP and Psychiatrist on board. As much as I like Sam, I feel the support of 2 doctors against a nurse would probably be more beneficial to me. I am then going to go to uni and speak to the course leader. I am going to say that I have had issues with depression and self harm. That I currently see a counsellor and they are raising concerns about my work, the effect it has on me and possibly on clients. I will mention that I have disclosed to her that thing I don't talk about and never have done and it has been a hard few months. But. I am dealing with it. I am doing the right thing in getting help.

I will then say that although the counsellors have raised concerns and don't think I should be working, I am more than capable and have the back up of my GP (at which point I will have a fit note) and the psychiatrist. I will explain how they want me to take a couple of months break but I don't agree and that I don't want it forced on me by the NHS as would affect future career etc.

I will say one of my worries is not being able to finish the placement which I love doing, and falling behind my friends etc. Or the possibility of not being able to finish the year etc. I will tell her I have had cycles in the past but now the route cause is coming out and it has been harder but I have been proactive in all of this. I will tell her how if at any point I doubt my own ability I wont keep it covered up. I will let it be known. I will also tell her how few people know about the difficulties I have had and that I keep it very private.

How does all that sound. Does it sound like someone who is rational, or does it sound more like an irrational person who is trying her best to keep it all covered up?

I am so scared though. This whole situation is provoking more thoughts within me. I feel as though I have lost control of it. I am petrified. I have not eaten since yesterday lunch time. Partly because I am not hungry, but partly that control thing. I know I am not exactly showing stable behaviour here by my reaction to it all. I worry the feelings I am having are maybe a sign that I shouldn't be there. It is making me question myself and question how bad I really am. It is really making me question my own capabilities. Gom did this to me when we broke up. It sends me in to kind of a bit of a manic phase. I can't relax, I stop eating, my thoughts are going at a million miles an hour.

If I get my way with this, how am I going to be able to trust Sam again. I have too much to lose by telling the truth. Do I find a different counsellor and try and build a relationship with them. I don't fault Sam for talking to her directors about this. Because, the professional in me sees what she has done. But I don't see how I can continue to work with her if I get my way with this one. I feel shot down. I have never been as honest with anyone as I have with her. I have never been open with my feelings like this. Part of me thinks, she had to do it. If I wasn't capable and anything happened with one of my clients and she hadn't made her concerns know she would be in the shit big time. But then the other part of me feels now I know why I don't share emotions and feelings. I do rationalise with myself but even when you do that it doesn't stop you feeling how you feel does it? It's like if someone hurts your feelings accidentally and you know it was an accident, it still hurts doesn't it? Then I feel bad for feeling these feelings as because I know there is no vindictiveness or malice behind it.

I feel as though that in seeking help and trying to deal with the things I have made things worse.

It's just reinforced my issues of trust. How can I be honest with people when it has such negative consequences. There was no way I could then tell her about the other stuff. I know I am bad at the moment. But, the course is what is keeping me going. It makes me happy. It gives me control and I keep it separate from me. It's the other person inside me. I can understand what they are saying...if I was a risk to other people. I'm not. I am doing really well on it. I am a positive thing in the peoples lives that I am working with. I don't let my own issues come in to it at all.

Sam was/is supposed to call me this evening. I emailed her last night about my plan. I didn't say why, but I said I would tell uni and let them have the decision about me taking time off. I want the decision to be mine. I feel that I can cope with it. I know I am doing well in what I am doing now. I need to have some security with it now though. I don't want them finding out what is going on at placement. There are only 5 in the team. I know me having issues wouldn't be a problem, after all they have ex service users providing support to vulnerable people. I know it sounds big headed but I feel I am in a much better position to make judgement about my own practice than one of the volunteers I know who uses drugs frequently, went a bit mad and off on one. Not all that long ago!

No one is without their issues, and they can leave them at the door. So do I. It may be draining but I can do it. I don't let it interfere with my work as I know I have so much riding on it.

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