The more and more I think about it and the more tired I get the more running away seems appealing. It's stupid isn't it? I mean who would run away when things have the potential to go well for them here. I am enjoying the placement even if I have made some silly mistakes so far but they are just newbie errors.
I am so sick of fighting though. I am so sick of the conflict and just giving in seems more and more appealing. I don't see the act of self harm as giving up. When I say give up I mean run away, lose control. Drink all day, be free to not have to stay within the constraints of being normal.
I am getting quite obsessed with death. I am spending so much time researching. I think each night as I go to sleep "please just let me die in my sleep". I don't know who I am asking as I don't believe in God per se. I believe there is something out there but I don't know what. I'd say I am agnostic. That way when I do finally snuff it, if it turns out it was Allah, Buddha, Cling on all along then once I do die and there is that whole life after death thing I can be like "well I never doubted you". Religion is one of those things I could spend ages writing about but I won't on here. Not on this blog.
Seeing Sam tomorrow. I am kinda nervous. I'll have to tell her about the 136. My thoughts, feelings etc. I know I don't have to tell her but I am trying to be as honest as possible with her. I will probably tell her that I am sick of fighting and I don't know how much longer it will go on for.
Anyway. I am falling asleep. I just wanted to vent somewhere.