I feel really weird today. I went a bit far with self harm last night. I did what I usually do and the weirdest thing happened. The whole right side of my body went numb and I couldn't move it. I couldn't sit up, I couldn't move. It was quite scary really. I thought finally I have succeeded. But I didn't want to be found with the needle in my arm and blood covered towel over me. So I was fighting and fighting to move and I couldn't. After a while I managed to move enough to throw myself on the floor to get the towel pushed under the bed and I used my teeth to get the needle out. I feel really weird today. My body feels really weak but at least I manage to stand and can move my arms, legs and hands. It lasted about 30mins-1hour
I felt disappointed today that I woke up.
I decided last night that the only thing keeping me going was the course. The fact that I could make something of my life. I have the meeting on Monday with university and Sam. Sam said she would come with me. I don't understand it. At first she was saying it's my choice what I tell them. Then she was saying I have to tell the everything; the 136 and how recent attempts are (she doesn't know about my latest ways of trying. If I tell her I think she would have to break confidentiality and then some way would be found to stop me). Then I emailed her Thursday and said I was not wanting to tell them about the 136 and how recent attempts were and she phoned me and said about how we have to find someway of giving them enough information so they can make a decision but also retaining my confidentiality.
I do feel as though why am I bothering with uni. I feel like the wanting to die has taken me over now. So if I am going to kill myself why am I bothered about what is going to happen at uni?
I do wonder if I told someone all my thoughts if I would be made to go in to hospital. I feel as though I am walking on a tightrope and people are watching me. I feel I have to stay on as falling off would cause a lot of embarrassment and I would feel like a failure.
I feel as though I am pulled in all directions.
Today it is a year to the day since I last saw Gom. That's making me feel shit also. He probably has no idea what I am going through at the moment. He said a year a go that I should be in a hospital not going away travelling. He said a lot of really hurtful things to me over the 8 years we were together. I never thought though I would not be with him. A whole year it's been since I saw him. Next weekend it's a year since I went travelling.
I'm aware that this blog has turned in to a moaning how much I want to die kind of blog. Not exactly what I wanted from it. I do find it helps to get things written down. I will keep on doing it. I just hope I don't get thrown in to hospital. I have plans if I do. I know not exactly conductive to getting better but I can't cope with the whole idea of it.
I hate the way things are at the moment. I hate the way I am.