Today I saw Sam. I told her about the 136. I told her about the visit to the Psychiatrist. I told her my feelings about being challenged by Dr T and how at first I was ready to walk out but then I looked at it from a different view and understood what he was doing. Sam seemed to disagree with what I was saying. I was saying how I could see their point about being frustrated that I am asking for help and yet when it comes down to it I wont seek it when I need it the most. She seemed to think that it was because I didn't know how to when I was in crisis point. I think I know how to. It's a phone call isn't it! Isn't that all it is?
She said things have been a bit wishey washey so far with our appointments and didn't really have a focus. She said we now need to move on to the nitty gritty. She thinks I am making progress. Yet really I don't see it. Nothing has changed except that I have come to trust her a little bit more and have told her some things about my past. But I have never really thought about those things as issues before and is only recently I have come to think of it as wrong. Some of the things I have always known as wrong but the one that has had a bigger impact on me the most is what happened when I was 15.
I don't know where I saw it but I saw something not that long ago which was along the lines of
"You are having therapy through hynosis which you are not aware of what you said after. While doing this the therapist comes across repressed memories that you were sexually abused when you were younger. You don't have any recollection of it. Would you want to work out what happened and know about it or would you rather leave it where it was"
For me. I would choose leave it! Why drag something up you have no recollection of. I am aware that there are all safeguarding issues there in regards to the perp but forgetting that for a while as this is hypothetical...where would you stand on this one?
It's kind of how I feel about my thing. Why am I dragging it out when it has never affected me before. I said this to Sam. I said I am not sure if I want to be dragging out feelings and emotions that weren't there before as they are going to make me worse. I can't be doing with feeling like this anymore. I have had enough. I said the same to Sam. I am tired of all the fighting. I just want to take the easy route now.
I would be very interested in people's view points in regards to the question posed here. So please comment.