I hate how this is making me feel. How can I prove I am ok to be working with people when I am questioning myself now?
I am having such strong thoughts all because of this bloody stuff that is going off at the moment. I am not eating as I can control that. I know, in a way I got what I wished for. Only the other day I was blogging about how I wished I could control it and just not eat. Well something happened and now I am. Why do I deal with it like this? Why, in being told by someone that she thinks I am too vulnerable to work with vulnerable people and that it could be a risk to them and me do I now feel worse than I have done yet. Why is the film of my death going round on loop? Different methods I will try.
I feel sick. I want to do my normal thing and run away. But I know in doing so it could make it worse. I think about discharging myself from services, if you can do that? Shall I just call them up and say I don't want the support any more and deal with it on my own. I know I need to deal with it though. I know that I want to be a social worker. I want to do the course. In discharging myself what am I achieving. I know I would never be able to get medical treatment for any self harm. So would that mean I stop? Would it mean I wouldn't? Would it mean I get so pissed one night and not care what the long term consequences are. Discharging myself seems so appealing. But would I then be able to continue anyway? Short term maybe. What about the long term? Would they even let me discharge or would they then force me in to hospital?
I am so close to losing everything.
This is making me want to just push everyone away. It has silenced me. There is no way I can ever bring myself to be honest again.
I did speak to my brother about it last night. I mentioned to him before that I had seen a Pdoc and counsellor. I have not mentioned the issues but I have mentioned it to him about it. He doesn't know the extent of self harm or any attempts or anything but he knows there are issues I am dealing with. I told him what Sam had said about me being in a vulnerable position and doesn't think it best I work. He agreed. I explained to him I could see where she was coming from and him but I didn't agree. I don't know why I think myself different. I know I would be doing the same thing in Sam's position.
When we talked about confidentiality etc I always thought along the lines of if I disclosed anything like I was taking money off someone, or taking advantage of someone. I never thought this. In their eyes all they need to see is the potential to cause harm. That causing harm could be my illness (or what ever it is. I know it's not just depression, I know it's not PD but I don't know what it is) meaning that I don't do my job properly. But I have already shown that I can. But they will bring it down to conduct wont they? You know that as a social worker you are supposed to conduct your self in a particular way at all times. Not just when at work. I haven't exactly been doing that have I? Fuck!
If I had a Social Worker and they were doing what I have done how would I feel? Honestly...if they could do their job and help me it wouldn't bother me. I would worry that in helping me would it trigger them and make them worse. But if it wasn't and they were doing their job properly with no ill consequences to themselves then I don't think it would bother me.
What the fuck am I going to do? I really don't know. I know what I want and what I am going to fight for as I see it to be the best thing. But is my illness (or whatever it is) clouding my judgement? Am I incapable of making the right decision on this? I have worked with many people who I would say are incapable of making decisions that would benefit them. I don't see myself like that. I don't see myself as being ill and these people that I have worked with are. But then aren't the people who are mad and need input the ones who don't think they need it?
I know what I plan on doing should things not go my way on this. Should things get worse. I know that in having those plans is not conductive to being a good social worker. I know in having those I need to address things. But, at the same time, it's not just what the course is doing for me. It's what I am already doing. I am making a difference to people's lives. I am doing well. People are happy with what I am doing. I am happy with what I am doing. I may not be happy, but I am happy with what I am doing. Why stop that? If I am closely monitored and I say I will engage with services etc then what's the problem?
Am I being naive and kidding myself. Is my mind that distorted that I am going totally crazy and being delusional. I even contemplated saying I made all of it up and I liked the attention which was why I said all those things. But the sad thing is I wasn't!!!!!