Monday, 7 March 2011

I Keep On Doing It. WHY?

I don't know why I keep on self harming. I keep on doing things that could possibly leave me in a worse position than I am now. Just recently the new thing is swallowing things. Last night I swallowed a hypodermic needle. I hope that it will cause internal damage and that will get me. The thing is it's not one of my chosen methods to die. It hardly looks like an accident does it? So why am I getting so desperate that I will do that.

Why have I taken to blowing in to the needle when I blood let. I know how dangerous it is. Air bubbles in the vein can actually kill me. I suppose if I was to do it that way it would be hard to find cause of death as it's not very common. It would just be down as MI or something.

I feel today remorse at my actions from my self harm last night. I let the short term outweigh the long term. I now have stomach pains so think it is caught down there somewhere. I was sort of hoping it would do the damage and pass through me but I doubt that is the way in which it would work. I feel as though things are spiralling now. I am quite concerned about this as it is making me more impulsive. This means I am losing that control I have. I am starting to lose the fight. I am worried.

I don't know what I can do now.

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